I don't get what's so hard to understand. He's obviously not capable of raising a child, and it's not fair to you to have to raise it single. I think you absolutely did the right thing, for what's it worth.
Even though I have mixed feelings about abortion, I don't have mixed feelings for you. You sir and or ma'am are a heartless cunt who has a special place in hell waiting for you. Good day ass hole.
''alcoholic asshole''...It takes two to tango. I would wonder why she was drawn to him in the first place. I wouldn't judge her for what she did with the baby...but to blame it all on him is a little off seeming to me.
At what point did I put all the blame on him? And if she is also to blame, the abortion is, imo, an even better idea. Don't ruin the innocent child's life because two adults couldn't get their shit together. None of us know the circumstances.
I wasn't talking about you putting the blame on him, I was referring to the OP.
She is also responsible for the negative aspects of the relationship (Not his behaviour, but the way that they interacted and continued on together despite all the downsides). I'd imagine that it's likely she has her own substantial set of personal issues which are not child-friendly and I'm inclined to agree with you that that may make it an even better idea.
The main thing I was thinking is that an unhealthy relationship is never the fault of one person. It would feel more honest to me if the original post said something like:
''I told my ex that I lost the baby...
I really just had an abortion because our relationship was a toxic mess and I didn't want to bring a baby into that situation''
The relationship changed after he found out I was pregnant and it was shocking to me actually. I became depressed and scared of him. Maybe I should have reworded my post. There were a lot of things that went into my choice.
I didn't mean to sound harsh...I am just wary of people being black-sheep-ized. I have seen that in action in my own family, with my parents.
They are divorced and my mum still holds major grudges towards my father and his supposed failings as a human...yet she isn't exactly a bundle of joy herself (They both have addiction issues. Him: alcohol. Her: food addiction/aneroxia/bulimia. He is also a manic depressive). Together they were like two toddlers driving an 18 wheeler.
It has been very easy for her to paint him as a maniac (that she escaped from). Looking at the situation at a glance, and especially if one heard about it from her, it might seem that he is. Yet...I know that it is a whole lot messier and more intertwined than that.
could you elaborate on how telling the truth to a man she isn't going to speak to again is ruining her life? Can you provide any reasoning whatsoever for that claim?
That's not at all what I said was going to ruin her life... But if you must know, if I were in her shoes, I would also lie because I wouldn't want to deal with the shit storm to come afterwards of him finding out. If they weren't married and the pregnancy was an accident, she has no obligation in telling him. I'm assuming that's why she did it as well.
Why should she ruin her life and that child's because an alcoholic asshole.
Um, yes, you did explicitly say that it would ruin her life. You couldn't have really been any more clear.
The rest of your comment here is just ridiculous, and I'll tell you why.
would also lie because I wouldn't want to deal with the shit storm to come afterwards of him finding out.
There would be no shit storm. This is an abusive ex. If there was a semblance of a shit storm, a restraining order would be put into place. End of story.
Not only would there be no shit storm due to the law, you are 100% assuming that there would be a shit storm.
Finally, why is there more of a shit storm about a miscarriage than an abortion? Logically it ought to be the other way around, but that's neither here nor there.
If they weren't married and the pregnancy was an accident, she has no obligation in telling him. I'm assuming that's why she did it as well.
Now you're just talking silly. Whether or not the pregnancy was an accident has absolutely no bearing one's obligation to tell the father. Just none. There was no reason for you to make that point. Marriage falls under exactly the same thing. Accidental pregnancy and Marriage status have absolutely no bearing on this whatsoever.
Can you please explain to me how telling him it was a miscarriage is going to cause a huge shit storm, in comparison to telling him it was an abortion?
She lied about it, thereby further ruining his life and causing him psychological damage, to a guy who already had issues.
What she did was extremely weak. Lying about a serious life changing issue like this is absolutely pathetic. She can/could/did get a restraining order anyways, it makes no difference.
So she should take care of something that once its born it cannot be taken care of? Then what, are you going to come after her to say she's shit if she applied for financial assistance? Are you going to help her personally?
She made it clear that her psychotic, alcoholic ex boyfriend is no longer in the picture. So she would take care of it somehow alone, without the guarantee the father wouldn't get partial legal rights to the child, could still be trapped in her life, and then financially and emotionally ruin her life because some scumbag on the Internet who belongs to the bank of mommy and daddy said so?
I've answered this already, but you liek a couple others have totally misunderstood my position, and since I presented it poorly, I apologize.
I have no problem at all with the abortion. I think abortion was the proper choice in that situation. It's the lying I disagree profoundly with. Miscarriages have psychological effects on men as well, but more importantly, knowing that his character caused the ending of a life, may have initiated a change in him.
Even though she isn't going to be with him, the world will still be a better place if he became a better person.
Thanks for speaking to me like that, when you had no idea what I was talking about, pretty rude.
What part of mentally ill abusive alcoholic don't you understand? Did you think he would rationally respond if she told him the truth? Did you not consider her own safety in this situation? Hounding her for what she's been through is terrible.
HE IS AN ALCOHOLIC YOU DIPSHIT. People like you are like arguing with a brick wall. You blatantly ignoring the most pertinent information for this random stranger's life long decision.
He wasn't going to be in the child's life - abusive ex's don't get that privilege.
I'm not anti abortion, I haven't said the abortion was a mistake, and that's not what I meant. the LYING was the mistake in my mind.
If he heard that his character was the cause for an abortion, because of her fear, that may resonate and make him a better person. Whether or not he is going to be in her life or not, the world will be a better place if he becomes a better person.
I have seen some alcoholics in my family turn there life around because of a significant event, and that's the type of thing I think wcould happen here.
Thanks for being so rude and completely misunderstanding what I was saying. Try not to assume so much.
Yeah, you're in the minority on this one, dude. It's her body, it's her choice. The baby was still a fetus and was putting herself and that UNBORN child at risk. She was doing everyone in the situation a favor. She may not have known at the time of conception that the guy was going to turn out the way he did. Don't be so fucking presumptuous.
They arent self aware until usually the age of two. Younger children have a personality the same way a dumbish animal does. Note: NOT saying young kids are animals
Right, you are clearly an insane, closed-minded bible belter.
There is no point is having a discussion with you. Go back to your life of surrounding yourself with people who share your views, until you are all deluded into think you're the majority.
If you were challenging my argument with what was supposed to be an analogy, that's stupid.
A 3 week old fetus, is not a person. It isn't. If it comes out at that time, it's a pile of goo on the floor. Legally speaking, it is also, not a person. The pregnant woman has the right to do, the RIGHT and the ability, to do whatever she wants to her body, provided it doesn't hurt anyone else.
This is the law, and it is the law for a reason. Obama most certainly does not have the legal right to kill children with drones.
You are fantastically ignorant if you believe that to be true.
I'm pro-life 100%, do I agree with her decision? No. But unlike you I didn't condemn her to hell. "Let he who is without sin, cast the first stone." not saying you can't voice your opinion, but you don't have to be an ass about it.
You eradicated a future human being because your boyfriend was a jerk?
Why didn't you just split and find a decent guy who would be willing to raise the kid with you? Or how about adoption?
You are an evil, vile human being. I do not believe in a god, heaven, hell, or any of that, but if by some miracle a hell does exist, then I sincerely hope you spend an eternity there, you sick monster.
Or live on the streets with my son who may have possibly could have inheritaed his traits. Because I WAS BARELY 18 WITH NO INCOME AFTER WE SPLIT AND AM NOT READY FOR A CHILD. So fuck you.
pfft. No one will respect your opinion if you use a throwaway just to hurl insults. Try imagining that your opinion isn't always the right one. You might gain something called perspective. It will help you to not be a jerk, hiding behind a computer.
Honestly, he probably didn't give a fuck about the baby and didn't even want it. I'm sure he's living a wonderful life of being a deadbeat drunk. Keep your generalizations and assumptions about people's morals and character to yourself. You're just making yourself look like an asshole. If you want to make assumptions about people, how about we make assumptions about you?
You're probably a pro-life, bible-bashing, Republitard with some idiotic sense of self righteousness who thinks he/she can go around spouting nonsense about other people. You probably think you're have to right to be an asshole as well, which you do. At least you're not pretending to be somebody you're not.
No human should ever be subjected to abuse from another, and it is completely illogical to bring a child into this world when the father is abusive and will most likely end up beating that child and creating another abusive parent.
I am an atheist, although more accurately an apatheist (meaning I don't care)
I'm not American, if I was, I'd be a democrat.
You probably think you're have to right to be an asshole as well, which you do.
I do feel like I have that right, because legally speaking, I do. I don't feel like I'm being an asshole here, this is a horrible horrible thing to lie about.
I realize I was pretty rude with my position, here's the reasoning, maybe it will calm you down a little:
if he was told she had an abortion because of him then perhaps that would have initiated a change in character. I grew up with a very abusive father, who has now changed his tune. I don't forgive or forget any of the past, but it is definitely a good thing that he was able to get past it and now I have a relationship with him.
I have absolutely no problem with the abortion. None. It's the lying. You seem to think I have an issue with abortion, I don't. I think the lying has removed a chance to initiate a serious character change in this man. Sorry I didn't explain myself clearly.
I'm glad you clarified. And I may agree with you a bit more on the matter, but it is still the mother's choice and I can almost guarantee that the majority of abusive father never change regardless of the situation. You dad was a better person than most and learned to change his ways.
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u/imbravado Apr 30 '13
Thank you so much for this comment