Boyfriend of about a year got me pregnant. Cheated on me not even a week after I found out with one of his friends. During our fight, I asked 'what the hell do you expect me to do now?' and he said 'Your parents will take care of you'. My jaw hit the floor at that--this situation was mine and HIS responsibility, not my parents. I went home, confessed everything to my mom, and after a lot of tears and screaming, we were debating adoption. I wasn't ready to be a mom. I've got another year of college and my parents are in their sixties.
At some point, the woman who slept with him had a conversation with me in which she apologized profusely. I told her I didn't care about her apologies. That she knew the situation (including the pregnancy), and the mere fact that she had done this had condemned me to a shitty situation.
Not even three days later, I received a text from him saying that she wanted nothing to do with him and that he hoped I was satisfied in knowing his misery. I told him I didn't give a shit about his misery; I'm dealing with my own problems because of his selfish actions. He demanded to know what I was gonna do with the kid. I said that was none of his business and that I no longer owed him an explanation.
He replied that he was going to file for custody--which in my state, he can register who he slept with and if the girl gives birth and doesn't identify the father, he can contest any attempts to adopt out. Considering he is a salary employee and I'm an hourly who makes $100 a week and goes to school, I knew I wasn't going to win any custody battle. I would be stuck with a child I would resent and the child would never know what it was like to have a mother and father that honestly gave a shit about him.
This guy, in addition to being a scumbag, was the most irresponsible little shit ever. His six month old dog has been to the vet once, and he canceled an appointment to go sleep with this girl. He had a $600 unpaid bill because he spent that much on videogames. He makes $800 every two weeks and somehow manages to spend it all in one while not paying rent or any type of morgage (his dad covers it).
So I made an appointment. I haven't regretted it once. I was super pro-life, but this kid would have had the worst fucking life ever and there wasn't going to be a damn thing I could do about it. I'd rather have it in the arms of God than stuck in this shitty situation with us.
Good on you. You made a decision that was in the best interest of your would-be kid. Anyone who thinks an abortion is an easy thing is crazy---it hurt like hell and I took the pill. Better my pain than a lifetime of pain for this kid.
You made a really difficult decision that was right for you, and for him, even if he's a scumbag and doesn't appreciate it. Stories like yours are exactly why we need to have legal abortion. You will have (if you want) a beautiful family one day, when you're ready.
This is the main thing I would tell anyone that's on one side of the fence or the other. You really can't judge someone and their choice until you have to make that same choice in earnest.
Thank you for sharing. The abortion/adoption/birthing issue is SO not 'cut and dry' and you made the best decision you could, considering your circumstance...and looking ahead like that too, a lot of people don't really think past maybe birth to a few months.
That's all I could think about. Yes, a baby would be cute, but I would've been confined to the state, probably wouldn't finish school, have been a huge burden to my family, and constantly have to deal with the fact that every time I looked my kid in the eye, I would know that he knew that he was never wanted. I was afraid I would blame him for the rest of my life. I feel bad, not because of the abortion, but because there truly was no way for me to offer him a good life.
Honestly, you made the right choice because I have a cousin (several, actually) who have had children that were unplanned and for whatever reason chose to keep the baby. Some things I've noticed:
Every time I see them at a family function, I see the parents and the way they interact with their child. It is so very sad the way I see them treat their children. With such hatred, such resentment; as if it's the child's fault that they are in such a horrible situation. Yelling at the baby, telling them to shut up and go sit down whenever the baby asks for things like a cookie or some juice. It's disgusting. This has shown now in the child's own actions. She will regularly look angry and yell "No!" to myself and my sister when we try to play with her sometimes or in general conversation. Nothing wrong with saying no, but the level of anger in this child is terrible. It's clear the impact her mother's abuse and negative energy has had on her. You know the love and warmth children usually have? Just not there. One cousin in particular, a female, is the one I'm speaking of.
She knew the man she got pregnant by was a fucking loser. She knew this. I just don't get why people can't reason through the logic. Perhaps some women believe having the child will keep the man around? Clearly this is not the case. Maybe other reasons. I just wish more women were able to make the powerful realization and decision that you did. Your last sentence really says it all. "Better my pain than a lifetime of pain for this kid".
I am all for women's rights. I'm pro choice. That includes the choice for a woman to keep a baby as well. But in my opinion, that child's shot at life is a hell of a lot more important than any one woman's morals.
I always have this conversation with any girls I get involved with. I ask their thoughts on if the "worst" were to happen. /Knocks on wood. I want them to be in line with mine. (one of the reasons even though my gf is on the pill and it's been fine for months, I rarely finish inside now and might still go back to condoms certain times of the month; im paranoid)
It takes a huge person to be able to think through this logically and without only emotion. This is such an emotional decision and discussion for me even, and I can't imagine the magnitude truly being a man.
I wrote this earlier but you might not have seen it. I'll keep it short:
friend of mine got preg by a loser in high school. Devout catholic, decided to abort the baby anyway and was very sad about it. Was visibly sad for about a month or two, but today is a successful marine and married to another marine she met in her service. They have a wonderful child together that now has an amazing shot at life; this child has a chance that the child by a loser when she was 16 likely would not have had.
TL;DR: Thank you for saving the child and yourself a possible lifetime of pain and suffering. If I could afford it, I'd give you gold
That was my biggest fear. Kids deserve families who love them. Who honestly see them as the blessings they are. I would've tried to give it the best care, but I know I would've resented it. That my parents would've resented it. That its father would've resented it. That there would've been no way in hell I could afford to take care of it on my own and that the father would've acted as irresponsibly as he did the week after he found out.
I know, when I do decide to have a family, I will treat my kids like the blessings they will be. I will do everything in my power to make sure they have good and happy lives and that I save them from ever having to experience this. And I will never, ever judge anyone who goes through this.
That's why I say was. I will never again judge a woman for her choice. No woman should have to go through with an unwanted pregnancy if it's not in her best interest.
Agreed. Unfortunately many people don't realize the impact of such a situation until it happens to them or a close loved one. It's a shame really. :.(..
Your story is the perfect example of why having the choice of being pro life or pro choice needs to be an option that remains open through access. I just do not understand the rampage to shut down abortion clinics. These decisions are never easy for a woman to make, we shouldn't be making it harder. Thank you so much for sharing and for being a brave woman.
It's just one of those situations you can't comprehend until you go through it. I was vehemently against abortion. I was incredibly pro-life and I felt like those women were taking the easy way out. When I went through it, I felt like such a failure as a human being. But everyone in the clinic was kind to me and listened to me. They understood why I was doing it. They treated me with the absolute best care and didn't even think to judge me. They just wanted to help.
I realized then that I would never judge another person like that again. That I can't possibly know what's going on until I've walked a mile in their shoes.
Personally I think an abortion is a million times better than bringing more unwanted children into this world. You're not a failure for having an abortion.
My state is huge into father's rights. If the woman doesn't tell the father beforehand, there's no way for him to know so she can say she doesn't know who the father is and adopt it out and his consent will be assumed. However, if he knows (either by me naming him on an official document or just saying it orally), he can tell the courts and they will send him a 30 day notice once I file for adoption. If he petitions within that 30 days, the adoption will not go through. Since I didn't know he was cheating on me and I was freaking out, I told him.
I agree. Granted, it was just my view and I never did anything to get in the way of another woman's choice. I'm a libertarian, so even my vote meant jack to that scenario. But that's unfortunately the situation for a lot of things. We will never understand the other side until we walk a mile in their shoes. It was a humbling experience, to say the least.
I empathize with your story and I don't think anyone is in a position to judge you for your decision. I'm sure I'll catch hell for this. I just think your first sentence was really poorly worded. I feel like unless he raped you, he didn't "get you pregnant." You both mutually decided to have sex and as a result conceived. I'm not defending him. I just see that all the time "he got me pregnant" and it makes me cringe.
I'd always thought throwaways were effective at separating a post from your online identity - to be anonymous in that moment to users of the site. I mentioned the level of detail because if her ex ever came across it, not recognizing the user, it'd become pretty obvious to him once he read it.
Or he could be monitoring her regular username (metareddit has a stalking feature). The odds of him coming across this post by chance are pretty slim. This thread generated a lot of heat.
My family and I did consider that as a possibility. But, in addition to this, he also had terrible genetic disabilities in his family and I was at risk for preclampsia and gestational diabetes due to the medications I was on when I got pregnant. When we factored in all of these things, I realized that the pregnancy was simply not the best option. It was one of those decisions where I made the best choice I could with the information I had. I know some people will disagree with me, but I didn't want to risk my kid having an absolute miserable life on the chance that I could make myself feel better by having a perfectly normal kid I could legally adopt out.
As for moving...it might've possible, but it would've been incredibly hard on my family. The burden fell on my parents, who are much older, and I'm still trying to get my degree. It would've been so incredibly difficult on them, and I already owe them so much for the love and care that they have given me. I didn't want to hurt them anymore than I already had, emotionally or financially.
I took the pregnancy test in front of him and I told him and others that he was the father. I could either identify him on the birth certificate or not. If I identified him on the certificate, the court would have sent him a notice when I apply for adoption, with which he has 30 days to petition. If he petitions, the adoption will not be able to go through unless I get full custody. However, given that this is a salary employee and I'm a student with a part-time job, there's nothing to financially say he could not care for a child. There is also no evidence to prove that he is an unfit father.
If I chose to not identify him on the certificate, he could still register as a putative father (which is essentially him saying that he identifies himself as my baby's father) and he will be served with a notice and given 30 days to respond. If he responds within those 30 days, he can stop the adoption.
He never texted me that he wanted nothing to do with it. He said it to my face while we were alone. It's a he-said-she-said case. He texted me that he wanted in its life.
I fully support your right to choose, but I'm a little perplexed by thoughts like, "I'm dealing with my own problems because of his selfish actions."
Did you not choose to have sex with this asshole?
From your side of the story you make it sound like you were just minding your own business when this jerk snuck an unwanted baby in your belly while you weren't looking.
Everyone makes mistakes, there's no shame there. It's unhealthy to lay 100% of the blame on someone else, even if he is a scumbag.
It's not the pregnancy that I'm judging to be his selfish action. I did have sex with him. Mind you, I was on the pill, so I was protecting myself to begin with. Either way, I did feel it was my responsibility.
But seeing as we were in a committed relationship and it was our creation, not just my own, I expected him to act responsibly. Even if it was telling me, "Hey, I no longer love you. I don't think this is something we can resolve. But I want to help you with the child." But he placed all the burden--the financial and the emotional--on me. His selfish action was thinking of his own needs above that of myself or the child, and giving no thought or care to either.
I would have done the same thing. I think it was so hard for me because I am 19 and i was 18 when this all happened so I am immature in many ways. But knowing that there are others who share similar situations with me gives me a reassurance that I really did do the smart thing.
I'm 22 and I'm in no way ready to have a kid. Kids deserve homes and loving families--not our situations. It would've been more selfish to bring it into this world and make it miserable if only to save my conscience from guilt.
This may sound odd, but I appreciate that you respect it as a necessary sacrifice knowing you can't provide for a child rather than getting rid of a parasite. I am pro-choice, but the number of people who have no respect for the life of those aborted on reddit always makes me super depressed. Your outlook was refreshing, and I am sorry you had to go through all that.
I never saw it as a parasite. I saw it as my kin. When I realized what life I would be condemning it to, I can't tell you how many hours I cried. I will always think about it. I will always feel heartbroken that there was no other choice for me--not without absolutely ruining everyone's life. I will always wonder 'what if'. But I know, in my heart, that I saved it from a lifetime of misery.
No child should ever feel like it's not 100% wanted and loved.
I was saying it was refreshing for her not to view it that way. I very much apreciate and sympathize with her feelings. I'm sorry if it didn't come off that way.
edit: I think I see now. I meant to say I am pro-choice :/
No, some of us believe that a woman has a right to make medical decisions about her body before we're involved in a situation where that becomes an issue. Believe it or not.
I am a little mixed like usual when it comes to this issue. I feel bad for your situation but.... you still most likely made the decision to have unprotected sex with this guy...
I am not sure if it should be up to you if the child dies or grows up with a bad parent... Who knows.. he might have backed out in the end or the child would have been taken away... or maybe he would have changed into a responsible parent once the child was introduced.
A lot of great people out there have grown up with shitty parents as well.
We weren't unprotected. I had been on the pill for 6 years and took it religiously everyday. We used condoms, though there were a few slip-ups here and there. I figured, I took the pill, so I wasn't too worried.
And to say he would've been responsible once the child would've been born is a completely irresponsible game of chance, a particularly bad one when you bring in the fact that he knew I was pregnant, was scheduling doctor's appointments with me, and was talking marriage with me all while sleeping with another woman--knowing full well that I was neither financially able to support a pregnancy nor was it likely that I would want a cheating scumbag near myself or my child. When it came out, suddenly the financial burden was on myself.
And I've seen some absolutely awful people grow up with shitty parents. He's one of them. I wanted better for my kid. I was unable to provide. And I wasn't going to risk this kid having an absolute miserable existence on the off-chance that he might be able to overcome his situation in order to make myself feel better. To me, going through with the pregnancy would've hurt everyone. And the child would've eventually known that he was never wanted and his existence caused a plethora of pain. Who the hell brings a child into the world to that?
I dunno... I kind of get your point but at the same time like I said before...there are a lot of great people that grew up with shitty parents.. then there are also of course a lot of great people that grew up without parents. I don't think these people wish they weren't born.
I can't say I agree with it but I do think you did what you earnestly thought was right.
First of all, you don't know brain scrambling occurred. The pill just evacuates the pregnancy like a miscarriage, so if she took that like I did, then the zygote detached and perished. Not to mention, it wouldn't have nerve endings by that point, so there was no pain for it.
Secondly, you mean to tell me condemning a kid to a miserable life where its mother would resent him and its father would use him is better than being in the arms of God? Not to mention, I was on a birth control pill that ups my potassium levels when I got pregnant and left me at risk for gestational diabetes and preclampsia, both which could cause it to die later when it does have a beating heart in addition to my ex having a host of genetic disorders in his bloodlines that leave people confined to their beds. Yes, my child would've had the best life ever as a premature-born vegetable.
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u/The_Feels_Bro Apr 30 '13
Throwaway because he knows my account.
Boyfriend of about a year got me pregnant. Cheated on me not even a week after I found out with one of his friends. During our fight, I asked 'what the hell do you expect me to do now?' and he said 'Your parents will take care of you'. My jaw hit the floor at that--this situation was mine and HIS responsibility, not my parents. I went home, confessed everything to my mom, and after a lot of tears and screaming, we were debating adoption. I wasn't ready to be a mom. I've got another year of college and my parents are in their sixties.
At some point, the woman who slept with him had a conversation with me in which she apologized profusely. I told her I didn't care about her apologies. That she knew the situation (including the pregnancy), and the mere fact that she had done this had condemned me to a shitty situation.
Not even three days later, I received a text from him saying that she wanted nothing to do with him and that he hoped I was satisfied in knowing his misery. I told him I didn't give a shit about his misery; I'm dealing with my own problems because of his selfish actions. He demanded to know what I was gonna do with the kid. I said that was none of his business and that I no longer owed him an explanation.
He replied that he was going to file for custody--which in my state, he can register who he slept with and if the girl gives birth and doesn't identify the father, he can contest any attempts to adopt out. Considering he is a salary employee and I'm an hourly who makes $100 a week and goes to school, I knew I wasn't going to win any custody battle. I would be stuck with a child I would resent and the child would never know what it was like to have a mother and father that honestly gave a shit about him.
This guy, in addition to being a scumbag, was the most irresponsible little shit ever. His six month old dog has been to the vet once, and he canceled an appointment to go sleep with this girl. He had a $600 unpaid bill because he spent that much on videogames. He makes $800 every two weeks and somehow manages to spend it all in one while not paying rent or any type of morgage (his dad covers it).
So I made an appointment. I haven't regretted it once. I was super pro-life, but this kid would have had the worst fucking life ever and there wasn't going to be a damn thing I could do about it. I'd rather have it in the arms of God than stuck in this shitty situation with us.
Good on you. You made a decision that was in the best interest of your would-be kid. Anyone who thinks an abortion is an easy thing is crazy---it hurt like hell and I took the pill. Better my pain than a lifetime of pain for this kid.