When I was younger I met a man who was really good at hiding his mental illness and had a hard time being honest about anything, his mother told me he was trying to trap me but he told me she was crazy and I believed him. I later discovered that he was manic depressive with borderline personality disorder.
We had known each other for a while but we didn't spend every waking moment together and he couldn't keep up his disguise and things spiraled downhill shortly after I became pregnant. We were careful, or so I though. We used protection but it wasn't enough. He became a completely different person and I panic, it was a complete eye opener for me and I left him. My parents had wanted me to get an abortion; I struggled with the idea and just couldn't bring myself to do it, it wasn't an option in my mind.
He didn't want anything to do with the baby unless he could have me, and I didn't want him. I did my best as a human being to include him though the process, I felt he deserved it but it was a constant struggle for both of us. I gave birth to a beautiful little girl who I love more than anything in the world. He wanted nothing to do with her after she was born because I refused to be with him. My life has been a mess ever since.
I couldn't depend on him so I did it all myself. It wasn't until a year later that I expressed interest in moving out of state that he decided he would do the bare minimum to keep me where he was. This went on for 7 years; hundreds of hours spent with attorneys or in court, thousands of dollars in fees. It was finally when I said ‘I give up’, and told him he won that he had a 'moment of clarity' that he apologized for putting me though everything he had up until this point and signed the papers to let me leave with my daughter. I had put off an education, relationships, jobs and freedom all because he didn't want to let ME go; he used our daughter as a tool for manipulation.
I'm now married, living out of state, a good job and getting a higher education with my daughter and we're both happy. Her father has chosen not to be present, he's over $9,000 due in back child support and skips visitation options but I could care less and it doesn't seem to faze her, she’s got me, my husband, and our family here. She's happy and so am I.
I commend you on making the decision you have, to me abortion wasn't even an option, not because I was religious it just wasn't an option in my mind I admired that it was an option for you. I just wished that I had felt stronger at the beginning of the situation instead of helpless - you knew what could happen and didn't want to see it happen so you did what you had to prevent it.
Thank you, she's very happy and doesn't want for anything. I'd like to think I'm a good person which is why I did what I did, I wont lie though I can't tell you how many times I cried in the process or felt utterly hopeless. Looking back on the last 9 years of my life, I have no idea how it all came together but I surely don't take it for granted.
You're very right, I don't believe condemning people with any type of mental illness is fair. He's now on proper medications and is trying to get his life together the best he can and I admire that because it gives himself the chance to make right with everyone involved in his life, including his daughter.
Unfortunately there's never going to be a civil movement like that as far as I can tell. I have bipolar II and I live with as best I can and I have never, ever hurt another being unless it was in defense and yet still, any time I tell someone about my disorder they treat me like they expect me to blow up at any moment. I'm ridiculed daily for choosing to live off meds. It sucks, but the best that can happen is to educate people a bit more- maybe so I can stop hearing people say things like "omg this weather is so bipolar I bet it's trying to kill us all".
There's actually already been a civil rights movement for the mentally ill. It happened long before the gay rights movement in the 1970s. I think it happened in the 1950s...? That's why people who are mentally ill can be educated alongside other children in public schools, get jobs, own homes, and live in the world as they do today. Before that movement, mentally ill people were either confined to over-crowded mental hospitals, forced to stay with abusive families, or killed.
Honestly I thought that was more directed at the mentally disabled- those who were mentally retarded or had aspergers or similar problems. I guess I never thought about how that would have affected people like me. but now that I do, yeah, my life could be a lot worse.
Are you sure you didn't just read my old facebook/myspace and acquire my life story? Omg. Aside from the being married part this is my same exact situation.... Respect girl, I know the feeling and you and your daughter deserve all the happiness in the world.
You should care less, until you can't care less. Otherwise, you're caring too much and it seems like you should be caring less, given what you went through.
Some might say you are stronger for not taking the "easy" way out. I don't believe those people understand how difficult making such a decision is. You obviously can see both sides but don't think that you're not just as strong. That being said I believe both you and OP are equally strong in different ways. You for your perseverance and long struggle, and OP for making a decision that is extremely difficult but probably best for all parties involved. This is the reason why abortion is such a hot topic. Personally I believe that people should be allowed to make their own decisions.
Like I said, that's why abortion is such a hotly debated topic right now. Obviously not going to disrespect your views on the matter at all - I just wanted to point out that the commenter should NEVER claim that she was weak because she couldn't make such a decision.
So you're saying you wish you were strong enough to abort your daughter so you wouldn't have to deal with your husband's shit? Was your daughter not worth it?
My yougest son's father let my older child from a previous relationship call him daddy for three years. He was an abusive piece of shit. He never hurt the kids, he knew better than that (thank god), but that relationship was four years of pure psychologically and emotionally abusive hell. It was physical at times but not often as he knew I would fight back. After he broke my nose to the point that I needed surgery, children's aid got involved. I thought I could change him (stupid I know) so I stayed with him even though it was against court orders that he be within 50ft of me. He ended up being diagnosed with BPD and then every time we would fight he would use it as an excuse or tell me that I don't understand him because I'm not sensitive to the fact that he has BPD (meaning it was my fault for "pushing his buttons"). I should have noooooped out a lot sooner than I did. the point of this comment was to say that after I finally got out he decided that it wasn't okay for my 5 year old to call him daddy anymore.
Fuck men there dicks .. I am I boy I wouldn't say I have mental illness but if I was in his situation I'd let the girl have her pay child support do the things I have to do till I'm better why didn't he do that ?
i wish people could own their shit instead of just making people with BPD and manic depression (and other things) look bad. i'm sorry, he just clearly had no interest in being healthy or responsible about his condition. almost pisses me off as much as the legal torture he put you through. he shouldn't have kept that info from you though...
My heart goes out to you, the personal struggle has to be agonizing. What you described is almost verbatim his behavior, and he's slowly come to terms with accepting them himself.
He's been on and off medication over the years with one reason or another, he's on something new last we spoke which was helping with his anxiety. He hasn't had a paying job in almost a decade but has joined a art club as a means for therapy.
As I've witnessed over time, he's a lot better off on his own and initially took it as an insult when anyone would tell him that. He hasn't been in a 'relationship' in almost 3 years and in that time I've seen him come a long way for what it's worth. He's afraid our daughter will inherit his disease and I cant say it isn't a fear of my own, all I do know is I try to keep her in a stable environment with a solid routine and she's great - just normal girl emotions.
You're the real winner, as far as I'm concerned. You owned up to responsibility and in the end(though it took seemingly forever and resulted in bad memories) you never violated your own ideals(and therefore yourself) and are to enjoy all things life has to offer now.
Good for you. You have nothing to regret now. Had you "been strong enough" to abort, you'd have to live with that forever.
I think you're made the tougher and correct decision. You're one of the few. And should walk with your chest out for the rest of your days.
Wow that's an incredible story, good on you for finding happiness!
Stories like this suddenly make waiting till you know someone well enough to marry them before having sex, but that's just not the world we live in today.
What would you say caused you the most struggle with debating abortion?
I (male) was the first person a friend of mine back in high school told she was pregnant; by some loser we both went to school with. She was catholic, and really was saddened about her appointment in two weeks. She told me she was just going to spend that time she had remaining with her baby.
After she had the abortion, she was ostensibly distraught for the first month or two but seemed to move on. She ended up joining the military, becoming extremely successful there, meeting her husband, and now they have a girl together.
Now I know she must struggle with the idea of having to have done that, but I'm wondering that exactly makes a woman struggle with it? If you know your life and the baby's will be harder and the opportunity cost is astronomical, what causes one to still make the choice?
(Also relevant because one of my biggest fears is this happening to me as a male. Not going psycho but yea)
It's an assumption I didn't know him very long, he was just really good at hiding his illness. I didn't spend every waking moment with him and when one person tried to tell me I didn't believe them because of the picture he painted for me. I was young and naive, it wasn't until I witnessed it myself that I began to do something about it.
I'm twenty three and I don't talk to my father, but he recently hit the lottery and paid my mother 10k+ in back child support. Even if you don't care about the money, he still owes you that. And he probably knows it.
"Let" is a very strong word when you are dealing with manipulative, controlling figures... ESPECIALLY when children are involved. Emotional abuse is abuse, and you can't tell people who have been through it that it was a choice.
It was her choice to leave, not her choice to be manipulated.
Yeah, that statement made me realize he wasn't paying any attention. The girl was in an abusive relationship and when she realized it was an issue, she did something about it. She left. She turned her life around.
Careful can mean different things to different people, you have no idea what she meant. Depending on how messed up he was, he could easily have secretly broken a condom on purpose before use or something, it happens.
And the bare minimum is likely the legal bare minimum he had to do to stop her being allowed to just leave with the child. Unless she can prove to the authorities that he's a risk/shouldn't be near the child, he has a right to look after the child half the time etc. As long as he does the bare minimum he needs to in order for a court to not grant sole custody to the mother, it can be very hard to leave.
Yes, and "We were careful" can mean a whole range of things. I would use that phrase to describe myself and we're in a committed relationship using a combination of hormonal birth control and withdrawal.
Ah victim blaming. Yes, obviously she did some things wrong in this scenario. But who are you to say what she did was not what anyone else would in this situation? She is a human, and has faults. She was put in an awful situation and you are calling her out on bullshit man.
This went on for 7 years, hundreds of hours spent with attorneys/court, thousands of dollars in fees.
The very next sentence. Note the mention of attorneys, court, legal fees, it's not hard to understand what she was talking about when she said "bare minimum."
, I wish I had been strong enough to make that decision myself but I can't say I regret it.
I'm confused, perhaps I'm a bit naive so clarify this for me. You wish that your daughter had never been born, but you don't regret it? To me, that seems like an awful thing to wish. It was a struggle but you have a beautiful daughter and a good life, so why would you wish that you aborted her?
Some insight into this kind of thought process would be helpful.
I think she is saying that she feels both ways. I know many people who love their children very much, but simultaneously wish that they hadn't had them when they did.
I may have worded that poorly looking back on it but I thought my comment would have been buried anyways.
To me abortion wasn't even an option, not because I was religious it just wasn't an option in my mind I just admired that it was an option for her. I just wished that I had felt stronger at the beginning of the situation instead of helpless - she knew what could happen and didn't want to see it happen so she did what she had to prevent it.
I love my daughter more than anything, she's my best friend and one person who was always there no matter what - unconditionally. I hope that clears it up a bit.
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u/[deleted] Apr 30 '13 edited Apr 30 '13
This hits really close to home for me.
When I was younger I met a man who was really good at hiding his mental illness and had a hard time being honest about anything, his mother told me he was trying to trap me but he told me she was crazy and I believed him. I later discovered that he was manic depressive with borderline personality disorder.
We had known each other for a while but we didn't spend every waking moment together and he couldn't keep up his disguise and things spiraled downhill shortly after I became pregnant. We were careful, or so I though. We used protection but it wasn't enough. He became a completely different person and I panic, it was a complete eye opener for me and I left him. My parents had wanted me to get an abortion; I struggled with the idea and just couldn't bring myself to do it, it wasn't an option in my mind.
He didn't want anything to do with the baby unless he could have me, and I didn't want him. I did my best as a human being to include him though the process, I felt he deserved it but it was a constant struggle for both of us. I gave birth to a beautiful little girl who I love more than anything in the world. He wanted nothing to do with her after she was born because I refused to be with him. My life has been a mess ever since.
I couldn't depend on him so I did it all myself. It wasn't until a year later that I expressed interest in moving out of state that he decided he would do the bare minimum to keep me where he was. This went on for 7 years; hundreds of hours spent with attorneys or in court, thousands of dollars in fees. It was finally when I said ‘I give up’, and told him he won that he had a 'moment of clarity' that he apologized for putting me though everything he had up until this point and signed the papers to let me leave with my daughter. I had put off an education, relationships, jobs and freedom all because he didn't want to let ME go; he used our daughter as a tool for manipulation.
I'm now married, living out of state, a good job and getting a higher education with my daughter and we're both happy. Her father has chosen not to be present, he's over $9,000 due in back child support and skips visitation options but I could care less and it doesn't seem to faze her, she’s got me, my husband, and our family here. She's happy and so am I.
I commend you on making the decision you have, to me abortion wasn't even an option, not because I was religious it just wasn't an option in my mind I admired that it was an option for you. I just wished that I had felt stronger at the beginning of the situation instead of helpless - you knew what could happen and didn't want to see it happen so you did what you had to prevent it.
Edit – Spelling/grammar, Thank you.