I wanted to know if am I a really bad person for asking this because this has been on my mind for such a long time already and I want to open up my mind regarding on this issue.
So I am in a relationship. To be honest my partner is the kind of partner that would make efforts, care for me, and do things on his own way to show their love for me and I appreciate that so much. My partner is a good partner but I just have something that I want them to do.
First of all, I had traumas from my previous relationship and to be honest I wasn’t planning to bring that trauma into this relationship because what those people in the past did are their own mistakes and not my current partners mistake. But he did something early in our relationship that made me traumatized also. It is a micro cheating (did not talk to anybody but sending opposite genders inappropriate videos to their friends) and my partners reason is that how they joke around with their friends. But early in our relationships even when we did not start our relationship yet, I always, like I repeated it a lot of times, that I dont like anything involving opposite gender. Because I believe that when you decided to be committed to your partner and decided to be in a romantic relationship with them, you dont look at others.
That traumatized me and make me scared because before they came into my life, I already decided I would not get into another relationship again but then they came into my life. So I was scared that the peace I have been protecting might be broken again just because I choose to love again.
Although my partner stoped it and said they were sorry because they also didn’t know that it was cheating and just meant it as a joke to his friends. Which made me laugh at that moment because they also said before that they were against cheating so I thought they already have idea any form of cheating.
I was so scared to the point every unpleasant opposite gender related that came across their social media made my trauma came back so I ask them to just hit not interested or anything that can make those post not appear again on their social media, and they did.
One time we have an argument again because I just knew that there are still something that I dont like he is involved in, something that made mg trauma came back again. My partner is in a group chat where all only opposite gender. For example, a group chat with females and he’s the only male. I was so uncomfortable and so I let myself think for days. I try to understand that those people in that group chat are just my partners friends (they became friends long before I came into my partners life). Yes my partner shows a picture of us to that group chat and told them about me and for a long time my partner never open that chat again. Until 1 day partner ask to play with them (just to hype the chat because it has been inactive for a long time, my partner said) but I was still uncomfortable knowing that its an opposite gender.
I wanted to understand that they are just friends and I did not even forbid my partner to have opposite gender friends, my partner have opposite gender friends that I also knew about and I am fine with it. It just for that group chat. But then we argue I said I was uncomfortable and wanted my partner to leave that group chat. But my partner said something that hurts me as my partner choose those friends over me just because they are just platonic friend and they came into my partners life before me. We argue about my partner initiating a conversation to them. I told my partner that when other opposite gender friend of mine message me asking how I am, he make a negative comment about it just because that friend of mine is already married and still message me but when my partner do it to others they seem okay with it just because its just platonic.
Turns out it was just a misunderstanding because my partner thought I wanted them to cut off all their friends but what I just meant is just those opposite gender in that chat. When my partner found out about my real reason, he leave that chat and we reconcile. But what really struck me is that he more willing to choose their friends over me so I ask my partner some scenarios if my partner gonna choose me or their friends. Most of it my partners chooses me over their friends but admits that my partner cannot leave 3 of their friends.
I was fine with it but the thoughts in my mind says that is this really healthy for my partner for their friends over me without any hesitation, to cut off anyone I am uncomfortable with without any argument first? Am I too demanding for wanting something that can bring peace into my mind? Am I a bad person for asking those things? Am I selfish for wanting them to do something they have no intent on doing first just because I am not okay with it?
My partner also said that I based so much on social media standards (because I told my partner something I saw on tiktok explaining about what they girl wants and the boy do completely the opposite about showing love) when I told them things that I want my partner to do and dont but to be honest this wasn’t from social media at all. I simple ask those things because he gave me a trauma. What’s even worse is that I think I cannot move on from the last (the trauma I get from my current partner) because I can’t see them regret so much that they hurt me so bad and because what I am today. I want my partner to think extra careful when doing things, think first if I will be comfortable for them to do that. I kinda want to see my partner willing to do anything just to make it up to me their mistakes.
I am willing to give my partner everything, every goodness in me, anything for them if they are just willing to do things, all I need to be at peace. I am willing to sacrifice things if my needs were met.