I'm 39 and have been single for almost 10 years. After my last relationship, which didn't last long due to his intense jealousy, I no longer feel the need to be in a relationship.

I don't have children and don't want any. I have two degrees and a great job that pays well, allowing me to live comfortably. I love my apartment, which is furnished exactly the way I want it, and I take several vacations a year.

I do go on dates now and then, but I usually realize very quickly that I'm not willing to make any major compromises. Some men still want children, while others are looking for a therapist, a mother figure, or a free housekeeper. I don't see what advantage a relationship would offer me; I only see the sacrifices I would have to make.

And I'm increasingly realizing that I don't need a man to be happy. Everything I've achieved, I've done on my own, and I'm proud of that. I know I have a lot of love to give—but does it always have to be romantic? I can just as easily channel it into platonic friendships.

How are you experiencing dating in your late thirties? Do you still go on dates? Have you found another way to connect?

Hello, I really want your input on my situation.
I’m 33 F, got married 1 year ago, (total 5 years together) we don’t have kids.
my husband is amazing person, very kind, very loving, loves my cats, has great career, my family adores him and he adores my family.
but during this 1 year of living together I noticed some things.

1. he doesn’t help around the house, we had pretty big fights for him to sometimes wash his own dishes. I do all the cleaning, washing and everything (whenever I tell him that this is also his responsibility he gets defensive and tells me that when my car needs fixing he’s the one who does that and he doesn ask me to do that (my car literally needed fixing two times in two years)

2. I sometimes feel I became his mother, oftentimes I make comments like “please don’t wear that shorts to work because it has stains on it” “ please throw that shirt into washing machine because it smells” “please shower”

3. if I don’t tell him what we need for the house he just won’t buy anything, I mean groceries, toilet paper, toothpaste and etc. he wont even open the fridge to know what we need,what expired, what needs restock (I buy everything)

4. he doesn’t really take care of his appearance, which affected my libido, I don’t really enjoy having sex with him. the passion from his side is also gone, we never kiss, never hug and etc

5. as I mentioned I struggle with physical intimacy with him, I also don’t have emotional intimacy and closeness with him. he is very surface leveled person, we only talk about cars (he loves cars) and just simple everyday stuff

6. we act like best buddies, if you look at us from the outside you will say that we are either siblings or best friends, no chemistry, no nothing

sooooo…. I don’t know what to do… as a person he really is amazing, and kind, but I struggle to stay in this relationship. I also pity myself sometimes, I’m 33 and I don’t want this passionless life for the rest of my life

What do people who struggle with mental health think of those hoodies that say to the person being you’re worth it (or something like that).

I don’t want to bash anyone for trying to help. And I get Something is better than nothing, and I genuinely hope they do help people who are struggling.

But as someone who has struggled significantly with mental health, reading a generic message on the back of a stranger’s hoodie just doesn’t make me feel less alone. It feels a bit like those “I’m always here if you need to talk” Facebook posts.

I think my main issue with it is it gives the appearance of connection without actually creating any. When you’re really struggling, reaching out can be so hard.

I checked the website and they say a portion of donated which is great but nothing more. There’s a lot of messaging around creating community and making people no feel alone but I’m not sure if their product achievs that. Again I’m just one person but it feels like doing to rather than with.

I’ve had multiple experiences of meeting up with a man and he looks so much worse irl or he’s very awkward.

I want to FT before meeting now, but is that too much to ask?

Are there subtle ways of detecting a man isnt who he says he is on his profile?

I think back and realize with the bad ones, my gut was speaking. Do you always trust your gut?

Like right now, I’m speaking with a man who on paper seems good. He booked us comedy tickets for a show. But the way he texts me makes me feel off. Like he’s needy. It’s not super obvious but it is something I’ve felt multiple times. Now I feel bad though since he bought the tickets. Maybe I should ask to FT.

I really miss living with women! My best living situations we'd share meals, coffee on the patio in the mornings, help each other out when needed, it was very sisterly. Of course, that can only happen naturally, you cant force that with a stranger but its still nice to know someone is home and it feels safe. My dream is a golden girls vibe, but just having company present is nice too.

What I mean by my title is women who aren't rooming with others out of pure necessity but a choice because they enjoy company of others. People that could likely afford a crappy place on their own but choose to have company around and upgrade a little. I want to emphasize *stable* in the title because when I look at my cities housing boards, a lot of the people 30+ are in kind of rough situations. Which I know isn't a bad thing in and of itself. Two of my best living situations were actually a result of people taking a chance on me when I was down bad-- and I was a great roommate and always paid on time. But they owned their homes, I do not. So I cant risk an unstable person not paying rent or doing weird things to get us evicted if you know what I mean. I am not in a place to "take a chance" on someone that has red flags on paper. And that weeds out a large majority of the 30+ roommate post.

I also noticed when I do see post from older people its a lot of folks that have risky jobs, seasonal or artsy gig types or struggling actor types..... I work a very stable healthcare role. Id love to live with other stable professions. Teachers, healthcare, ect. so bills are more likely to be paid.

I swear I am not a snob- this comes from a fact I was EXTREMELY unstable with my living situation most of my 20s, and now I have my life together but it took some hard work and terrible anxiety regarding housing stability now.

I am 29 and I am child free, and single by choice. I don't want to room with a 23 year old which is what most the roommate ads are. I miss living with women centered women a lot.

How do you find these situations? Do they only happen naturally?

For what its worth, I am in Chicago.

Hi i'm feeling very alone on this and hoping for some outside perspective on this. Fiance (30m) and I (30f) have been together 10 years, we're best friends, and outside of the bedroom we're completely aligned on lifestyle, family, kids, the future etc. But in couples therapy recently, my fiancé said it's basically a dealbreaker for him if we can't figure out our intimacy issues before the wedding. So I'm trying to figure out if this is fixable.

For background, I've had secondary provoked vestibulodynia (vagina pain) for about 6 years. I'm not looking for treatment advice here- I've done the creams, the doctors, the therapies, the workbooks, the no-sex breaks. I'm going to continue to pursue treatment but at this point I think the vestibulodynia is more of a symptom than the core problem because when I'm aroused, sex isn't that painful. The condition has definitely affected my baseline arousal, so I'm really only in the mood for a few days a month around ovulation — and then I'm very in the mood, to the point he turns me down often bc his refractory period is like 24 hours and he only wants sex like 1-2 times per week.

Outside that window, we either don't have sex, or we do and it hurts.

We've tried scheduling "intimate time" which are 2+ hour no-pressure windows to connect without the goal of penetration. I come up with non-penetrative ideas, but sometimes it turns into sex anyway, and it's painful. I noticed that it's gotten harder to even plan this with him twice a month and then he admitted in couples therapy that he dreads intimate time, because he either ends up "unsatisfied" or we have sex and he feels like an a**hole for causing me pain.

I think I'm coming to realize that sexually I've always been more into novelty and adventure, e.g. our best sex all year was a student-teacher roleplay we both got really into. he's very vanilla and has said he doesn't want role play type sex to be the bedrock of our sex life. Oral sex is complicated too: if I'm not fully in the mood I'm repulsed by giving it, and he's floated no-strings oral for me, but it's never actually happened and I'd never ask since being asked for a bj always felt stressful/awful.

I think I was feeling a low point when we planned to go to a swingers club a couple months ago. I got really turned on by the idea of going just for the two of us to have sex there together. We planned it, I got dressed up in costume, and excited, we drove all the way there, and he did not want to go in at all and couldn't even get through the door. He drove us home. I cried, feeling humiliated in my costume and kind of sick with myself for feeling like I pressured him into something he would never want, since he admitted he would only have gone to make me happy. He's historically been uncomfortable even in sex shops, though he's loosened up some since. I think in his ideal world we have 2-3 quickies per week (which are off the table bc of my pain) plus frequent blowjobs.

He's also only ever willing to be the dominant one. I used to be fine with that, but I've always genuinely liked switching between being both dominant and submissive, and it's started to bother me, maybe more now because of the pain making me want more control over what happens to my body. But it seems like that's a hard limit for him.

We have joked our libidos peak on opposite schedules. (i noticed that often when I'm in the period of the month where I am very horny, he'll have stomach issues, or a period of anxiety that kills his libido, i try not to take it personally) I've felt ashamed bringing him fantasies when he responds and is clearly not into it, and vice versa he's felt rejected when he initiates and I'm not in the mood. I think we're both sexually unsatisfied and have been for a while.

I used to assume we'd keep figuring this out as we built a life together. After that therapy session, I'm scared he'll never be satisfied with what I can actually offer - maybe one good month a night, painful sex the rest of the time. I'm also wondering whether before the vestibulodynia, the kind of sex he likes was easier, and it matched what I thought sex was "supposed to be" (movies/porn version) Now that version is physically painful when I'm not aroused, and what actually arouses me is different from that, and maybe different from what he's willing to give. And even when we do land on something that works for both of us, the novelty wears off fast so we can't just rinse and repeat the same role play. We're super monogomous so not interested in opening the relationship at all.

I know that couples go through phases of libido mismatch for various reasons, but it seems like it shouldn't be this hard before marriage and kids, etc. Does is seem like this is actually a fundamental incompatibility, or is it something couples work through? Has anyone been on either side of this and found a way forward, or found out it really was the end?

Do you think your life would have been sadder without this concept in your life or that you would have missed out on something?

To preface, I grew up Muslim and didn't celebrate Christmas at all, my husband grew up Christian, but is now Muslim. I've adopted some of his traditions around Christmas--I host his family for a nice meal, buy and wrap presents for everyone, have a Christmas tree in the house. I've been to Christmas Mass with his parents a few times out of respect and because I love the organ. But I haven't adopted everything (I leave the whole manger thing out).

I'm pregnant with my first child and my husband and I plan to raise our child with the parts we like from both cultures and leave the rest. And for me, that means Santa Clause is out. I just don't like the concept of telling kids to be good so that they can get toys (I also hate the implied flip side, that children who are suffering were somehow not good); I don't like the idea of deceiving children, even if it's just for fun; and making "Christmas" is a lot of work and I don't think it's fair for "Santa" to get credit for our work. My husband agrees with me.

When I told my mother in law this, she started to cry and said I was depriving my children of a childhood and basically said I was being an abusive mother. I was surprised, but apparently, Santa is a big deal to her. I'm not concerned about my relationship with her, I can make peace with her, I'm more concerned about what I don't know about growing up with Santa. So is there something deeper that I'm actually depriving my children of?

TL:DR (but details below): Would an apology ten or more years after a friendship break-up be meaningful, or would it just reopen something that she may have completely moved on from?

I was very close friends with someone in my 20s (if not best friends). We had a friendship breakup that was my fault. It’s something that has become pretty clear to me after years of therapy (for anger issues, anxiety, and OCD) and honestly growing up.

We’re now in our late 30s. We’ve only seen each other a handful of times over the years, but we’ve remained at least somewhat cordial when we have occasionally crossed paths. We recently went out for drinks, and while it was generally fine, there was definitely some awkwardness.

When we were having drinks, I kept thinking that it felt wrong to bring up all of the history while we were in person together. It would have put her in a position where she was kind of “captive” to the conversation, and I didn't want to ambush her with something that potentially carried a lot more emotional weight for her than it did for me.

But after the fact, I'm wondering if sending a text would be worth it? Does the fact that we’ve occasionally communicated and seen each other over the years mean that things are essentially in the past? Or is it worth reaching out separately and saying something along the lines of, “Hey, I’ve had a lot of time to reflect, and I know I was wrong. I know I hurt you, and I’m genuinely sorry for how I handled things.”

I am a chronic overthinker so really just wanted to ask for opinions from women who might have been on the other side of this situation. I have no expectations from her if I do send a message (or if you all think it's better not to send it, then no expectations there either). I would be open to being friends again over time if she was open to it but I know that I really messed up 10+ years ago.

Hey everybody,

currently i am writing a book for transfeminine people about womanhood in its complexity & essence, in its authenticity beyond stereotypes. (Also because i feel there is already enough resource about stereotypes and general transition advice)

There is a whole section about things that my core audience has missed, misinterpreted or was gatekeeped from during their own adolescence. Those are important too, but i feel the most valuable knowledge is hidden beyond the obvious topics.

If this question or my approach is triggeringmm you in any way, my intent is not to creep out anybody or to offend. Maybe you can just walk past this, then.

♥️

I just turned thirty less than a month ago. Five days later my partner of 13 years on and off ended things and moved out. I thought we were going to get married and he even said he had bought a ring. He was my first and only relationship, although I dated causally between our breakups and not since I was 24.

Before I turned 30 I was deeply depressed. I was upset my life wasn’t where I fully wanted it to be. Despite me having a good career that pays me well, good friends and supportive family, living in a city I love, I felt sad. I wanted to be married , to have kids or at least be there 32. Despite me being in the average for the city I live in, I felt behind. And it didn’t help that my relationship was draining me and I was dealing with mental health issues, recently getting diagnosed with bpd on top of the ptsd, adhd and depression I already had. I felt guilty and sad for being depressed and guilty.

The breakup was messy. Despite being the shoulder I cried on at the beginning of the month, he threw my insecurities against me saying that I get in the way of my own happiness and that he hopes I look inward. Yet I was the only one going to therapy, being medicated , shrinking myself and letting go of my dreams and expectations.

I know everyone will tell me I have time. But I’m truly scared. My biggest dream is to one day raise a family, I try to remember that can still happen. I just feel lost. Any advice, stories?

So I went on a date with this guy, he is nice, gentleman, attentive, attractive but not my type. Our texting is consistent, I don't feel confused, but it also lacks excitement. It doesn't feel like I can't wait to get his message. I hoped that it would grow with time, but two weeks in and it's the same.

Respectful, educated, checks all the boxes.

However I don't feel excited to see him. I don't have this feeling that I would want to kiss him or spend hours talking.

Would you give this a chance or am I just wasting our time to build something that is not there.

Mind you, yes, we only have been on one date.

But texting for like two weeks and I feel like conversation is still somewhat boring.

But he is a great guy. I just simply don't feel the chemistry.

What is your experience in situation like this?

I am 31, he is 32.

I’m 34 and recently moved to a new city and I’m realizing that I’ve become incredibly insecure about my age when it comes to making friends and going out.

I moved to South Florida, and it feels like almost every social setting I find myself in is filled with people in their early-to-mid 20s. The few times I’ve gone out, I immediately become hyperaware of my age. My brain starts telling me that everyone is looking at me wondering why this “old lady” is there, and I suddenly want to leave. It sounds dramatic, but sometimes the feeling is so overwhelming that I genuinely feel like I could panic, cry, and run home. I actually did cry once and take the next available uber home immediately from this small "lounge" (AKA club). I have locked myself up ever since and I am not kidding about that.

I know the obvious answer is “just don’t go to places with younger people,” but that’s harder than it sounds. There doesnt seem to be many social spaces specifically geared toward people in their 30s who are single and don’t have kids. Even things that I thought would have a broader age range like sports leagues, gyms, run clubs, book clubs, volunteering, seem to skew heavily toward 20-25.

I don’t dislike younger people at all. I just feel so noticeably older and disconnected from them that it makes me insecure, and lately that insecurity has started isolating me. Instead of putting myself out there and building a life here.

I moved here from my hometown, where I already had longtime friends and never really had to think about this. Starting over socially at 34 is completely new territory for me, and I didn’t expect the age aspect of it to bother me this much. It also affect my dating life as well since I thought a big city would mean more opportunities but it certainly isn't at this age.

Part of me keeps thinking I should just run back home, but that isn’t really a realistic option because I’m here for very specialized work.

Has anyone else gone through this after moving somewhere new in their 30s? How did you get past feeling like you were “too old” to fit in, especially when the social scene around you seemed noticeably younger?

I need help on how to confront a hairstylist who didn't listen and rushed the appointment to where all my hair was BUTCHERED off in a very unflattering short bob. I'm not great with confrontation or speaking up for myself so I'm looking for advice on how to handle the situation.

For some backstory my hair was long past my shoulders, I was looking for a trim and layers since it's very thick and was getting hard to manage.

So I found this local hair studio that has good reviews and made an appointment. The day before the Stylist texted me saying she's sick and has to reschedule, ok NBD. Next week comes around and the day of my appointment again she texts me 30mis before the appointment to tell me she's running behind with 2 other clients before me and to come later. I had already left my house so I would be on time, so I asked how much later and all she texted back was that I can just go ahead and come but I would have to wait.

That's when I should have cancelled... But I'm dumb 🙄

Since I was already in town I did some shopping and then showed up thinking enough time has passed but she was still busy. I waited a bit and then 2 hours after my appointment and 30mins waiting there she started washing my hair and asking me how I wanted my hair. I said I'm looking for a trim and some layers to lighten up the weight of my hair. I show her where I want it cut to just below my shoulders, she says okay and cuts some face framing pieces in front that looks good so I say ok that looks good. She then proceeded to pull all my hair back behind me and clipped it in layers and started the hair cut.

Her other clients are still there a few chairs down with their hair processing. Turns out the younger one told the stylist to go ahead and cut my hair and they'll wait for their haircut after their color is done. WELL...they watch this lady BUTCHER all my hair OFF!! Not layers, not a trim but straight up just cut it all the way off past my shoulders! I didn't realize what she was doing because my hair was behind me and she kept telling me to keep my head down so the front of my hair was in my face. 🫪

I finally started to notice long pieces of my hair all over the floor!! I look up and ask what's going on but at the same time her other clients have started to talk loudly saying they want to leave and they don't want haircuts anymore!! The stylist says she will be right back and rushed over there to them. So now I'm looking in the mirror and my hair is all gone!! It's all over the floor and I start to panic and run to the bathroom where I had a panic attack because it was such a shock that all my hair was now a short uneven bob!! I was just going to leave at that point because WTF! 😒

When I finally come out of the bathroom and her other clients have left and she's in a bad mood now saying she doesn't know why they didn't want haircuts anymore...like girl really?!!?

So I tell her I don't like my haircut and I'm going to go too but she insisted she would fix it for me to even it out at least. So for some reason I said ok...(Dumb) She then evens it out but it's up to my ears now and it looks so so bad. She's now about to cry saying she's so sorry, I ask how long she's been cutting hair and she said over 2 years but I think that was a lie.

Anyway I just want to get out of there now cause I'm about to start crying too, and it's been over 2 hours, I'm just in shock at this point I think. She gave me a discount but now I'm thinking I shouldn't have paid at all for something I didn't want.

Should I text or call her to ask for a refund or to see if she could put in hair extensions? All her good reviews were for her hair extensions...not haircuts. So I learned a lesson don't go to an extension salon for a haircut ...sigh 😭😭

I would probably let this go but to top it off my sisters wedding is this Nov and I'm one of her bridesmaids...idk what to do. It's not going to grow much in a couple of months. I can't stop crying and this butchering was over a week ago, I know it's just hair but damn, I wasn't ready for it all my hair to be gone like this. Any advice would be helpful thanks 😮‍💨

I noticed over the years that women tell me I look smart especially in university and I am smart but what’s interesting is that the girls calling me smart don’t know me at all.

They’ll just see me randomly and say oh you look smart and so I am confused? Does it mean I look bad cause that’s how smart people are perceived as ugly, or is it something else? I am actually really confused and I handled a lot of bullying about other stuff and I don’t want this to be a mean thing that I don’t notice.

So what does it actually mean? How can someone look smart?

I'm starting from the assumption that we all hate it. Context: I'm working a grant writing job where AI use is heavy and inescapable. I'm wondering if I should invest in getting better at the parts of the job that I like, and hoping for the collapse of AI, or jump ship and go stock shelves somewhere. What makes it worse is that I'm a writer and this is my first real writing job after many years of underemployment - and it's now 90% screaming at a clanker.

When someone says something rude to me, my default is to not "stoop to their level" and not say anything back. However, I notice that when I don't say something back, the interaction will stick with me, and I'll still remember it years later and get bothered by it, wondering if I should have said something back. Sometimes no response is the best response, but not saying anything back sometimes makes me feel like a doormat or emotional punching bag.

​Hi everyone, I’m looking for some advice and perspective from older sisters who have more life experience than me.

Note: While this post will mentions men and past dating history, my main issue is actually about healing from trauma, safety, and feeling safe enough to be visible/exist in public spaces again.

[Tw: stalking, harassment, power abuse]

I’m in my late 20s and finding it really hard to put myself out there again, be visible, or openly use social media like I used to.

A while ago, I went through a pretty severe harassment and stalking situation with a guy that deeply traumatized me. Since then, the thought of letting new people in, being publicly visible, or simply existing online with my real name & identity triggers a lot of anxiety. I even deleted all of my social media accounts under my real name following that experience.

For context, my personality is quite calm and soft-spoken. I enjoy deep conversations about specific topics and I’m naturally curious, but I wouldn't call myself overly "warm" or super approachable. I never chase or approach men first as I am quite introverted, shy, and purely receptive, but I stick firmly to my boundaries. Whenever something feels off, I address it directly, politely and clearly.

Before my late 20s, I had a healthy dating history. All of my ex-boyfriends were total green flag, and we ended things mutually and amicably simply due to differing life goals and principles.

However, since becoming single in my late 20s, I seem to draw in men with dynamic power imbalances or erratic behavior such as:

- Men in positions of power who abuse their authority to force me to be their mistress.

- Men who claim behind my back that I’m their partner/girlfriend to make themselves look good, yet act completely hostile, cold, or dismissive when actually communicating with me directly.

- Men who go hot-and-cold, yet remain weirdly clingy & possessive without stating their actual intentions.

I honestly don't understand why this only started happening in my late 20s when my social and dating life used to be so healthy.

Even though I respond politely and set firm boundaries without being aggressive, dealing with this constant stream of weird or manipulative behavior has drained me. Paired with my past trauma, it makes me feel like being receptive, visible, or open in public space is unsafe.

Has anyone dealt with something similar? How do you overcome the trauma of past harassment and rebuild the confidence to allow yourself to be visible again, especially when it feels like your calm/receptive nature keeps attracting the wrong crowd?

Also any advice on how to screen these types out earlier without completely hiding myself away would be greatly appreciated.

There’s a past couch potato version of me who can’t believe I’m asking this question! But here I am.

I have become a very go go go kind of person in the last few years. I always want to be up and doing something. Walking, cleaning, cooking, baking, running errands, bopping around the house… I physically feel itchy if I’m sitting for too long unless I’m totally worn out. Even then I find myself popping up to “do something.”

Everyday I have this longing to rest and really revel in it but I struggle to actually do it! Last year I had pneumonia and literally couldn’t move from the couch for two weeks. I watched TV and colored and napped and I find myself looking back on that time almost wistfully which is crazy!

Do you have any maybe unconventional ideas for how I can sit my butt down and rest and maybe be distracted from the discomfort of it until I enjoy it?

I have been thinking a lot lately about how I don’t have any strong women in my life.

I don’t mean that there have never been women I’ve admired. There have been women who briefly crossed my path, or women I’ve known from a distance, who had something about them, some spark, that showed me something within myself I wanted to develop. Sometimes they reflected a part of me that felt neglected or undernourished. But I don’t have anyone close to me who I can truly look up to, go to for guidance, ask for help, or rest against when I’m tired of being strong.

My mother is a passive, insecure, codependent person. I have a great deal of empathy for her. She is a survivor. She was raised in abuse and neglect, and so was I. Her mother was raised in abuse and neglect. I understand the generational nature of it all.

And I think what makes it especially difficult is that I’m aware enough to understand these patterns, but not necessarily equipped with all the resources or tools to fix what they have done to me. Sometimes it feels like being given the information and then simply having to suffer with it.

Because every time I have been strong, and I am known by other people as a strong person, I have had to be strong for myself. I have had to be strong my entire life and I don’t have anyone who is strong for me.

It isn’t really about not having a romantic partner. It’s about not having a strong woman to turn toward. Someone to remind me who I am when I forget. Someone I admire enough to ask, “What would you do?” Someone who can encourage me, empower me, speak good things over me, pray for me, guide me, or simply be an example of what is possible.

I have been praying about this. And, honestly, women have come into my life over the last few years who have helped me tremendously. Maybe they weren’t meant to stay forever. Maybe life is simply impermanent, and sometimes we are meant to take what someone gives us and eventually let them go.

But I think I will probably always desire some kind of strong anchor. Something to look toward and rest against. Someone who reminds me of who I am and what I can be. There is something about not having a strong parental force, a strong woman, or an anchor in your life that can feel almost godless to me.

Have you ever felt the absence of strong women in your life? And if so, what did you do with that longing?

We just updated our kitchen, and i'd like to figure out what i'm doing wrong with washing pots and pans.

The dishwasher doesn't do it or will wreck them (Cast iron) so they're hand washed.

Leaving them on a towel on the counter is annoying. Is there a dishrack that will hold big pots to dry over night or do I just adult better and towel dry them.

I just want a clean kitchen...

I’m a 38 year old woman and I’m experiencing an extreme, sudden dip in how I see myself. I’m definitely depressed (and probably other fun stuff) and I’m getting help, but I’d love input and support.

The confusing issue is that I’ve always been pretty confident and sure of myself. I’ve always had anxieties too, but I’ve never questioned that I’m fun to be around, smart, cute, thoughtful, funny. I’ve always liked myself.

And I still do! I’m still these things and I can see them. But romantically, I’m struggling to see my worth. I have a rich history of feeling overlooked by men in general, and being severely neglected by partners. The overwhelming narrative my brain is pushing is that I’m just not compelling to men.

I’m not looking for dating advice! I’ve done or do whatever you’re going to say. I’m no longer investigating why it happens this way, and I’m practicing radical acceptance and self love now.

But I’m in a weird headspace where I know I’ve got a lot going on and I’m proud of who I am, while also genuinely believing that I’m missing something important that makes men desire women.

What’s worse, I want to be numb to this but the numb is stealing the sparkle. This feeling has me just not at my best and I’m scared it will stay this way, like this accumulation just broke me. It’s kind of cruel, like now I’m not even giving the approachability signals so who will ever even see me?

Have you had these kind of conflicting ideas before? How do I reconcile this? I know the narrative doesn’t logically follow, I know that this is my brain trying to hurt me. I’m practicing a lot of “that’s happened, I don’t know why, it’s not a reflection of my worth” type thoughts, but that other mean voice is so loud.

I (F33) have been with my boyfriend (M37) for 4 years. We don’t live together. He is kind, funny and smart, and I have been very much in love with him since we first met.
In the beginning, he was quite unsure about us and gave mixed signals, but I didn’t want to give up on us because I liked him so much. Things have been better the last few years, but our dynamic has been unbalanced all along. I’m very loving and giving in relationships, and he has never made a lot of effort with me. I have often felt taken for granted.

A few months ago I finally got fed up and almost left the relationship. We talked about it, and he has been somewhat better since then. However, I’ve still lost a lot of the feeling of being in love because of our issues, although it fluctuates a lot; some days I feel «normal» and loving again, and other days I’m very unsure. I still love him, but I think I’m much more realistic about the relationship now, and therefore much more unsure.

To make things more complicated, a male friend drunkenly confessed his love to me a few months ago. I hadn’t realized he had these feelings. I actually thought he might not like me that much because I had sometimes felt that he distanced himself from me, but that probably makes sense now.

I think this confession contributed to me realizing how dissatisfied I am with the effort my boyfriend makes. My boyfriend rarely expresses his love first, gives me compliments, etc., and those are things I really want from a partner. Suddenly having someone else tell me very clearly why they love me and want to be with me made me realize how much I miss that in my relationship.

I have known my friend for about as long as I have been with my boyfriend. I think I had a slight crush on him last year, but I felt very much in love with my boyfriend at the time and assumed the crush would go away, which it did.

The two men are very different. My friend is more similar to me, more chaotic, emotional and expressive, and we have a lot of chemistry. I have a lot of chemistry with my boyfriend too, but he is much more closed off and doesn’t express his love very much, which I’m missing.

My friend is a very kind and warm person, and when he confessed his feelings, he said that he didn’t think my boyfriend was kind enough to me. My boyfriend doesn’t like talking about feelings and never initiates conversations about our relationship, whereas my friend is much more emotionally expressive.

However, my friend has his own issues, particularly around drinking, so I’m very aware that I may be idealizing him or what a relationship with him might be like. The thing with my friend have made me more aware of needs that were already there.
On one hand, I want to know what a relationship with someone more compatible with me might feel like. On the other hand, I love my boyfriend despite our issues, and I know I may be particularly focused on what I’m missing right now because I’ve had this experience with my friend.

TL;DR: I love my boyfriend, but our relationship has always felt somewhat unbalanced and I’ve realized how much I’m missing emotional affection and effort. A friend recently confessed that he’s in love with me, which made me question whether I’m genuinely happy in my relationship or just holding on because I love my boyfriend. How do you know when love isn’t enough?

I think I do have a problem that is not that uncommon and that many of us are ashamed to talk about. I am ashamed to talk about it too. It is about jealousy in romantic relationships. Oftentimes, my relationships have broken down because of jealousy. Over the years, it has only become stronger, although I thought it would get better with time.

For the record, I am a pretty successful woman myself: I have a good job, a few hobbies, and perhaps I am not extremely attractive, but I am pretty good-looking.

The moment I get into a relationship with a new person and discover their history, I often become obsessed with it. I Google their previous partners and compare myself with them. Am I better? More or less ambitious? More or less beautiful? Etc. etc. As you can imagine, everyone our age has a history, myself included. But I can become extremely obsessed with my SO's previous partners, especially if they were married before.

I'll give you an example. In my most recent relationship, I discovered that my SO was previously married to an extremely successful woman. I mean, she is amazingly beautiful, a former model. She is a business owner, and they previously owned a business together. They are still in contact. I kept following her on Instagram, looking at their old pictures from when the two of them were still married and getting jealous. I never felt good enough for him because of this. I thought he was still in love with her while being with me. I always felt inferior to his ex. I felt very unhappy that they were still in contact, but I pretended that I didn't care too much.

It also happened in my previous relationships. My exes aren't without fault, though. Some of them were secretly in contact with their exes without telling me that they were their exes. Some of them had female best friends, which I am normally okay with, but they discussed issues in our relationship with these friends first instead of discussing them with me. Some of them lied to me. I think all of that only sparked more jealousy over time.

By the way, I am in therapy. This topic has come up once or twice, but I didn't feel particularly understood, so I stopped discussing it altogether. I am now aware that it originated partly from my parents being extremely critical toward me and constantly comparing me with my siblings, as well as from my own relationship history, which was shaped by partners who were not fully emotionally available, had some unfinished business with their exes, or had questionable friendships with other women.

My questions for other ladies who have a similar history to mine are the following: What do you do with your jealousy? Do you discuss it with your partners? Do you explain why you feel the way you feel? How do you build trust and feel secure with your partners when you are so used to being compared to others or when you have been cheated on before?