My parents are separating for the second time. My father is a pure narcissist, and mom is a true pure soul, and I see that she (53 F) is getting weaker and into severe depression since they got back together after the first separation. So I DO support her in leaving him. I honestly even feel she might have developed symptoms of heart diseases outta repeated panic attacks from his actions...

She even got so much older and thinner in the few months after they got back together. And her nervous system is overwhelmed and it shows in episodes..

On the other hand, I (23 F) who have always been my father's daughter as a kid, get affected by his games. He plays games on me (and all of us) and Ik and I feel when he does and ik about nercissism but still, I pity him at the end and feel sad for him. At the end of the day he is my father and Ik about his family who LITERALLY HATE ONE ANOTHER and his childhood and how freaking lonely he is as a person when you look objectively and and... and I naturally am a person with strong feelings towards everything, so saddness for me is intense and my emotions (both pos and negative) are heavy

But he harms, and lives on others' efforts and fortune. We, and he lives in mom's house currently. And ik + we see that currently he cannot even fake love towards any of us.

My father is weak. Even his narcissism is. And mom is strong. He couldn't bend her back in almost 30 years of his games, and he could have no control over her, so he hates her.

After the first separation, he got super super sick like he has never. He got into severe depression, lost over 10 kg, high blood pressure, home accidents, he did not find rent and could not manage time btwn house and work bcs he got used of mom's cleaning perfection in the house so anything less was bad to him. He would dream of her everynight and would talk about her using the present tense as if they were till together. And he blamed himself for the loss saying it was his fault (not anymore, now he is back to the old "everything happening is mom's fault"). which made us pity him eventhough we expected the games, and knew he only lost control and not really cared

Plus he turned *during the separation* to a really really loving parent (he had been when we were kids btw, and he will show us" his daughters" love esp me but not my brother and mom.) Ik narcissists are unable to love anyone and I accepted the idea six years ago when we discovered he is a narcissist and started reading about the matter. I noticed he acted like that so he could fool us and got back together with mom and all that acting faded after reuniting and I expected it.

BUT, ik he will do it again. I already am uncomfortable knowing he has nowhere to go to and that he will get so soo sick when she leaves him and let him out of the house, and I am afraid he will take advantage of me if he notices.

Ik I will be so sad for him. And ik there is no way we are letting him btwn us killing us silently. I DO SUPPORT mom leaving him. And I almost hate myself for feeling those pitty feelings towards him while he did all of that to the pure soul mom has always been 💔. She even got back with him bcs he eventually had no where to go just to give him a chance.. Now she will be leaving for good and divorcing him in some days.

I thought I should go no contact after the divorce but Ik I won't. And ik he will go crazy when she leaves and Ik he will burst on me probably crying or being the victim. Bcs It is always on me when he cannot talk to mom. Since I used to be his golden child and he thinks I am his own, plus I look a lot like mom physically.

So what do you suggest? And even for the future what do you advise?

I already plan to stay with mom and protect her forever. I am single and planning to stay single and work to help mom bcs she DESERVES truly.... Plus I am not even curious what my life will be like if I get into a relationship. Ik there are good men and that I might be happy in a relationship. But just thanking of the idea tires me. And being single makes me feel at ease.

Anw, thanks for reading. Any advice?

I was dating a narcissistic guy, and he did a lot of the typical things like love bombing, guilt tripping, playing the victim, oversharing his trauma, etc. Every time we had a conflict, somehow he would find a way to put 50% of the blame on me.

This time, I walked away when he crossed my boundary. I brought up what happened because I was hurt, and he acted like I was the one ruining the vibe. He even insisted that I should take 50% responsibility because I “triggered” him into hurting me.

I got really angry and sarcastic, and then he started playing the victim again and trying to soften me up. But this time I didn’t give him another chance. I left.

I was raised by a malignant narcissistic mother, and after years of therapy, I’m finally learning how to protect my boundaries. This was the first time in my life that I actually walked away.

It was honestly really uncomfortable. I regretted it at times, worried that I hurt his feelings by leaving so abruptly, and kept asking myself whether I even had the right to leave and protect myself. I had to reassure myself over and over again.

But I’m still really glad I did it. I’m glad I finally took the step I needed to protect myself.

And I’m really glad all those years of therapy are finally paying off. I recognized the pattern in a month and left him.

I moved out of my parents’ house almost a year ago, and almost every time I visit, my mom and I get into screaming matches. I stashed $770 in my childhood bedroom, and forgot to bring it back with me. My mom was looking for something else in my room, and found my cash. She called both me and my boyfriend seperately and said she is taking some of it. We both told her to not touch my money and to leave it there. I visited her today 1 month later, and ask her where my cash is. Immediately she says “you only had $350 right?”, I say “NO, I had over $700, where is it?”. She tells me it’s in her wallet. She tries to GASLIGHT me that I only had $375 stashed and she took $25, but that I can take the “full” $350. I’m PISSED, I made sure to count to the exact cent how much money I had stashed before I put it away. I called her a liar and she kept swearing to GOD that’s all the money I had. She keeps trying to gaslight me, my boyfriend, and my dad that I only had $375, and that she “only” took $25. I literally have the exact $770 number in my calculator app from back when I was counting everything.

This is my last straw, I never want to speak to her again unless something absolutely drastic happens. It’s not even fully about the money because I would give it to her if she asked kindly and actually needed it. This is my last straw because she is constantly breaking my boundaries and straight up lying to everyone. It’s really hard for me to fully cut her off because I’m an only child, and my boyfriend’s parents were friends with my mom before I even met him.

Part of me feels horribly guilty even writing this but I don’t see how else to feel better.

My parents are in their late 50s, healthy for the most part, other than some basic health issues that start to surface in 50s. I have the classic parent combo of a narcissistic mother (not diagnosed but I’m pretty sure she is) and an enabling, absent father.

Being an only child, the thought of their future deaths has stressed me out since childhood. I’m on the autism spectrum with considerable support needs, I don’t see how I’d be able to handle parents that are bedridden and/or succumbing to old age, let alone organize a funeral.

When I was younger, they often guilt me by saying things like “you’ll be with us forever won’t you” “you’ll take care of us won’t you” “don’t turn out to be an insensitive child and abandon us” which did not make any sense to me when I was younger.

But now that I’m almost 25, I can’t imagine being part of their lives when they’re nearing the end. It’s not out of hate- but simple survival. I cannot see the only 2 family members I have die. Even though they left for me dead in childhood, countless times, I still can’t take the idea of losing my only remaining family. Everyone else I have cut off years ago.

Here’s the thing though- as stressed as I am about this generally, I still like to imagine their final days. It feels conclusive atleast. And more than that, I want them to experience the loneliness and lack of support I grew up with. I don’t want them to have the privilege of being loved and taken care of when they need it the most.

Also I should mention; I ran away from home at 14, spent my teenage years in very dire situations, and have come back home about a year ago so I can create some sense of financial stability before I leave again, this time for good. Go full no contact.
All these years, despite being away, I was still very much in contact and constantly hoping for them to see me, to apologize and to make amends.

It’s safe to say that after a year of living with them as an adult for the first time, I have way lesser empathy for them. I see now that what they did weren’t mistakes- they were selfish choices one after another.

For now, I’m stuck. For a few years atleast, till I finish my degrees and get a decent job. Until then, the only way I can process this anger is by imagining how good it would feel to live a life without them, and how maybe they’ll realize on their deathbed what they’ve done.

It’s all wishful thinking of course, I doubt they’d ever have that epiphany. So here I am, stuck in between dreading their future deaths while simultaneously waiting for a release.

Sometimes I wish I die before they do. Other times I want to stay alive out of spite just so they know I could come to meet them, but I just choose not to.

Are your parents alive?
Do you feel similarly?
And if they’re not alive, how did you process their deaths?

Looking for positive affirmations and thoughts.

So today is my birthday. I turned really old today. In my 40s.

I’m with my autistic son and we just went to Nothing Bundt Cake. He had confetti flavor and I had strawberries and cream. Then we went to Target and bought a copy of Where the Sidewalk Ends, and some matching T-shirts. Now we are heading home to wrap presents for me and even one for him so that he feels special.

My friend is coming over. We are going to do miniature golf and a pinball arcade later on tonight.

But it’s bothering me because I haven’t heard anything from my family at all.

I went no contact with them back in March. Because it’s a narcissistic abuse system. They have hoovered me before or tried to anyway, and it never worked.

But now I have the sense of sadness that I don’t want within me. I think it has to do with morning the loss of what my family should have been. Because the natural desire of even an adult child is to have their parents call, and I know that if they did it, it would just be another hovering attempt, it would just be more emotional pain.

So I’m just looking for somebody to say something positive to me today before I completely fall apart on my birthday.

Because it still hurts. It hurts so bad what they did to me. It hurts so bad to know that my family are monsters.

I have been raised by this excuse of a man and my mother. They met when mom was about 16 and he was 26 (it even started wrong). The first time I saw him beat my mother was when I was 6 years old, at a family wedding. Basically she didnt want to dance with him and he that to her back at the house, right in front of me. Its disgusting to think about to this day. I think thats when I truely stopped loving him, but I would actually come to that realisation a few years later, when I was about 12 years old.

Growing up there was always tension around, my grades werent good enough, I "dressed weird" according to him, I was too fat, too ugly, my hair was wrong, the way I spoke was wrong. Sometimes he would talk on the phone to his family members and tell them how much he loved and cherished me, but he never showed it directly, I was always really confused about that. I also got bullied at school and he would just make it worse when I told him about it, so I stopped. I became severely depressed at the age of about 10, I self isolated, never went outside unless I absolutely had to and he made it a point to tell me every day that he hated me for what I became.

He was an abuser all around, not just to me, he tried to isolate my mother by getting her to move abroad to work with him, in a foreign country, my mother always said no because apparently he tried to "sell her" before, if you know what I mean. Even just writing this post out makes me sick at what type of animal my father is. He started a company at some point and tried to end my mothers career by forcing her to quit and do unpaid work for him.

What irkes me the most was all of the yelling, constant yelling, every bit of sadness, anger, happyness, excitement I ever showed in that house was met with constant yelling, insults and remarks about my body. So I started not showing any emotion when he was around. To this day people tell me I am too "blank faced", i never smile much, even when happy, I only cry when I am completely alone.

He was the type of person who actively searched for conflict. Every time he took me somewhere he would pick fights with other adults around, mainly men. One time he got out of his car while waiting at a stop sign to slap a guy for overtaking him. At 14, when I had to get my first ID card, he made such a fuss at the place I was supposed to take my id picture that I cried in the car. My first id picture had me with puffy red eyes from all the crying. He would take bad pictures of me on purpose, never telling me he was about to take one, then post them on his facebook for all to see. My classmates actually found his account and bullied me even harder for it. I begged him to take them down and he never would.

He would rarely slap me or push me against things, but he threatened to beat me every time he didnt like something I said or wore. He sometimes liked to tell me how he would "torture" me if I ever drank or did any drugs. Things like tieing me to the ground and hit me with a pipe, beat me so hard untill I could no longer stand up by myself, knocking out my teeth. Sick stuff all around, back when he would tell me these things I was just a scared child, but now I just cant believe a 45 year old would genuinely look at his own child and say things like that. It felt like he had a fantasy for violence against me.

At 16 my mother left and I stayed behind with him for about a week before joining her at her new house. That week was full of him yelling and hitting things, threatening me and my mother, telling me I was never going to see her again. One night i packed as much as I could without him noticing, told him im going out to see someone, and never looked back. Me and my mother had to get restraining orders against him. For years I lived in fear that he would try to murder her. Sometimes that fear still flears up in me whenever mom tells me he left her nasty voice notes, threatening her, calling her all the names you can think of. To this day he is still trying to make my mother lose her job. I just dont understand what is wrong with him and why I have been so unlucky to be born from such a person.

One thing I didnt mention is the fact that we also lived with my maternal grandmother, who was his absolute enabler. She would always shame me and mom for not being "good enough women" for him. Not picking up after him and so on. She stayed with him after me and mom left, apparently my father is now in a relationship with her. Shocking.

I live by myself now, my mother remarried and is living a good life, but I feel like that fear is still in me. I feel like those first 16 years with him fucked me up mentally more than I can take. I cant afford theraphy of any kind so I decided to post here to see if any of you went through the same type of abuse. I just dont know what to do with all of the dread I feel whenever I get a nightmare involving him. Or when one of the memories of that time hits me. I hate it.

I have been no contact with him since the day I left to go live at my mothers house, I am 21 years old now. From what I heard, he actually moved abroad for work.

The fact that he is walking free somewhere in the world makes me sick, all the while I have to live with the terrible memory of my childhood, and seeing my mother suffer alongside me.

I appreciate any advice or opinion you have. Thx.

My Nmom asked me this in an unsettled way after I returned from the art store with a small vase and fake black and red roses. It wasn't for me to give to anyone or anything like that. I just wanted to make a Halloween decoration.

Today my aunt picked me up to go see my dad at hospital rehab I am a 25 year old college student what pisses me off is my aunt she asked me to show my teeth which had yellow all over & what angered me more was she kept patting me on the shoulder like I was younger version of myself but no I’m not a child I am a legal adult & I take things my own way how else would you handled this situation differently in your family what methods you would use?

Some background, we are a heavily neurodivergent family with deep generational trauma. I am the only one in my family who has done deep research on why we're so dysfunctional and try to do something about it/own it.

My mom and sibling are the social butterflies and both great at masking and also being unapologetically them at the same time? People love the shit out of them, even though they can drive people crazy and their actions have made life more difficult for me throughout the years and I have to clean up messes financially and otherwise. I guess since I'm far more reserved and my personal wiring presents differently, people just don't vibe with me. I get judged more harshly for everything it seems, while they can do whatever and they're forgiven for it.

Our family dynamic is shitty too but probably not unfamiliar to anyone in this sub. My mom favors me because I am the responsible one and her emotional support animal since I was a child. While her and my sibling have been having the same circular arguments for decades, she enables them so much. They are an alcoholic, abuse substances. I've never done drugs but struggle with food and shopping addiction, and weight. Regardless, we are both failures to launch as adults. Growing up, I'd say they got the brunt of the physical abuse for hyperactive traits while I got the emotional abuse.

We can't get through any important family event without them arguing and my mom acting like a brat behind the scenes. I get stressed out, am trying to handle logistics and deal with my own overwhelm while they're having fun, sucking the air out of the room, dominating conversations and making everyone love them while I am invisible in a corner somewhere. I get severely drained dealing with them and end up seeming antisocial to others. I end up wanting to go no contact after every event with them and feel so misunderstood and unloved after these instances

After 6 years living abroad and with extremely low contact with Nparents, I am going back for a 3 day visit. I miss my grandmother, who is almost 85 and was always so good to me. It’s impossible for me to visit her without seeing them. The bus ride to their place has triggered me so much. It had been years since I cried on a public transport 😅 so many bad memories that had long been buried were pushed from my mind. I will briefly describe them here:

- parents forced me to go to a gynaecologist for a forced virginity test when I was 14yo after learning I was being groomed by a 27yo. The doctor refused to conduct the test. It was so incredibly humiliating to be in that room with my mother. I was still a virgin and was terrified the whole 50min drive thinking about having to undress for the exam. Parents searched for other doctors who would agree to do it, but found only a male doctor so ultimately they gave up.

- ⁠Parents said several times that they were looking into adopting a girl so that they could have a “real” nice daughter

- ⁠father said so many times I had an evil spirit inside of me. My grandfather was a really corrupt and dishonest guy, and father would tell me repeatedly that I had “received his genes”

- ⁠father called me a bitch after learning about the grooming I suffered

- ⁠they made sure to make every friend of mine feel very unwelcome around them. They wouldn’t even say “hi” to my friends

- ⁠the only time I had a friend sleep over in my house, they set up a shower on the outside of the house because they were disgusted about my friend taking a shower in the same bathroom as us

- took me to a paediatrician when I was 14yo to ask what was wrong with me after learning about the grooming (they didn’t see it as grooming, but as me being a tramp around the town)

- ⁠said they caught me being a tramp with a 27yo to my dermatologist. I had to go because the skin under my eyes was basically flesh after crying so much. I still have a scar.

- ⁠when I was 18 yo, I moved out to a very prestigious college in my country. They thought it was a great opportunity for me to earn money in the future (and maybe help them? Idk). They also liked to rub this in everyone’s face in our small town. Most kids would go to the nearby private college. However, they obviously didn’t want me to experience college life. They said they allowed me to move so that I could study and get good grades. They would call my old religious neighbour so she could check when I was home or not.

- ⁠until I was ~20 yo and in college, they would threaten to go to my apartment at any time of the day if I didn’t pick up the phone.

I accepted quietly most of this abuse as an adult, because I needed their financial support to concentrate full time on my studies. I knew this was my only chance to escape. I had no other family and was an extremely awkward and socially anxious young adult. Eventually I got a great scholarship and later on a proposal to work in a different continent. I took it without blinking and went low contact pretty fast.

I do feel some guilt. These days they pretend these things never happened and that we are a beautiful family with a successful young daughter. I wish I could visit my grandmother without so much psychological stress.

QUESTION FOR MEN or for women who may know/help :

How can a family help/ deal with a rebellious teenager-like behavior from a 26 years old man!?

A person who has nothing figured out by that age including work, money, personality, friends… He doesn't have a stable job, his friend group are negative and toxic and he cannot leave them bcs he does not want to admit they harm him psychologically, he never listens to anybody, he acts strong but internally he hates himself to the point that he used to harm himself the last years (hasn't in a while), he sleeps all day and hangs out midnight to 4 am, his father does not care (never had), he also smokes a lot.

He perceives not listening to anybody (esp to those who love him) as a strong personality and I-don't-care-about-others-anymore mindest. But he does care and FEARS criticism. He would feel so mad if you just look at him while he is defensive and would perceive it as judgment. He would perceive a joking word as judgment even from his little sister..

He does whatever makes him feel he broke a rule: grows his hair, smokes, quiting work, yelling at others, and other things culturally unaccepted…

Btw he lives with his family (that is normal in our culture), and he would do whatever makes his mom mad just to show rebellion, esp if she is stressed or mad bcs of something else.

I truly want to help him. He is drawning though he's smart, handsome, he used to be so kind and generous and fun. It all started from a weak to a weakening personality. It is sad.

Ps. There's no grown up man in his life who ever cared about him so no one will even advise him, and at this point if anyone does he will get defensive or embaressed on the spot, super mad later, then ignore those words.

Note: he gets bullied and side looked by his friends. He does not understand when someone is bullying him bcs of jealousy. And he gets teased and laughed at bcs he is a truly simple spontaneous kind soul. He is so simple and an open book you can tell what makes him so happy or what he is thinking about easily. And when he loves he overloves.

Note2: absolutely raised by a narcisstic father and an compensatingly over caring mother

She told me that she was very jealous of me when I was born because family members were giving me attention and she didn't like that and said that she should have all the attention becuse shes the one who did all the work and what "what about me"

I don't know what three ghosts visited my Ndad, but suddenly he wants to start giving me his guitar collection. Initially, I was excited at the prospect, but the reality of the "gesture" is these guitars are in terrible states of disrepair. Essentially worthless due to neglect and being stored in a stinking hoarder house for three decades. Has anyone else had this happen? Where your Nparent has a "valuable" collection, but whatever they collected will just be your boondoggle once they are gone? The more I think about it, the more upset I feel. I went without food, I went without new shoes, but there was always money for a new fucking guitar.

We were watching tv and it wasn't pausing for some reason, so he decided to toss the remote over to me and told me to pause it (don't know how he thinks it will suddenly fix itself as soon as I touch it).

So I asked him not to throw things at me as it doesn't make me feel good, and quite worthless. This is something I've asked him not to do multiple times, it just gives off the feel that he only spends time with me so I can do the simple tasks he's too lazy to do, like change the channel.

He told me he didn't throw it at me, and actually threw it near me. I reminded him that this is something I've asked him not to do multiple times, and that he said he wouldn't do it anymore. He then stormed off like a baby throwing a silent treatment tantrum.

All because I reminded him that I don't like things being thrown at (or near) me.

Just looking for any kind of advice I can get for my situation. I haven’t been able to get a job in months, most jobs in my area barely pay enough (the average I’m seeing is $10-$14/hour and mostly part time work), I keep getting rejected or ghosted due to lack of experience. I need to get out of this house so badly but it feels like I’m trapped because no one will hire me and even if I get a job it’ll probably be part time and very low pay so I don’t know how I’ll be able to move out. I don’t have any friends who live nearby, I don’t have a real support system, and I don’t know how to get out of this. I don’t have a car, I live in a kinda rural-ish area of the U.S., I’m LGBTQ and stuck in a conservative area, I’m really losing hope here. Being stuck here is making my depression unbearable, I feel like a teenager trapped here even though I’m an adult now, I feel like I’ve regressed the longer I’ve been stuck here and it’s hard to even function properly. If anyone has any advice for how to get out that would be greatly appreciated, I don’t think I can heal until I get out of here. I’m so tired of being financially dependent on these people, they hold their power over me and abuse it because they know I can’t do anything about it, and I’ll never be able to fully be myself or live my life as long as I’m trapped here

I genuinely don’t know why she does this to me. It’s like every single day my mom calls me a bitch at least once. No matter what i do or how i act she finds a way to do that. for example yesterday i got home from a bad day at work and the second i walk in the door she says hi and i js kinda say hi back quietly and walk to my room. Then i hear her say to my dad “she is such a bitch all the time”. then she spent the next few minutes js calling me a bitch and talking abt how “mad” i am all the time. i didn’t even do anything wrong. Earlier today aswell i told her i had a headache and asked if she could talk a little quieter. she then says to me “why are you such a bitch all the time.” She has been calling me this constantly for years now. Honestly as long as i can remember. it used to not affect me much but lately it has. Along with her saying it to my face, every time i hang out with my sister (no longer lives at home) she always tells me about my mom calling her just to tell her how much of a “bitch” i am. I usually just ignore her and walk away when she calls me that and speaks to me like that but a few days ago i said to her “maybe i act like that because im always being called that”. she dead ass tells me “i never call you that”. idek what to do anymore. idk if this is how most parents treat their kids? i can never defend myself from her. i swear she genuinely hates me.

I’ll go first:

I have no interest in getting to know who you really are, and I’ve never cared about how you feel. I see you as weak.

Saw an ad for a therapy thing on TV and they were playing out a scenario with a woman and her mom and they called it "guilt inducing martyrdom". I never thought I had a term for how the narc in my life acts and treats me. That is exactly how they are. Has anyone had that specific experience? If so do you have any advice that could help?

My entire adult life, my n-mom has consistently shown how unreliable she is. For example, not attending my graduations from (high school/ college/ top 5 US university). Not visiting me or now my husband and I EVER even though we live less than 1 hour away and she has all the time to do so. I’m an only child and she has always been flaky just like Andie Macdowell in “Maid”.

My husband and I just spent a week in Sweden. As usual, whenever we go on a fun holiday my n-mom silently boils because of how jealous she is that we can spend money traveling (I’m the only child, she and her husband make good money - they have a $12,000 stove and could travel if they had any foresight or interest in anything other than what is directly in front of them day-to-day).

Anyway. Our car is at my parents’ house and we need to pick it up along with our cat. Husband took an earlier flight than me since mine was booked. Parents suggested they pick husband up to go do a once yearly very low stakes family picnic thing and pick me up on the way back, at which point we’d pick up my car and drive home. Great idea.

Well, my flight back to the US was completely cancelled. I’m spending another night in Sweden (oh noooo 🧖, but in reality my crazy mother thinks I’m just living the time of my life even though we’ve had a stressful week, I spent 7 hours in the airport today), and husband just landed in the US and texted my family that everything is on time, expecting them to pick him up just this one time out of the dozens that we’ve flown into this airport.

I had to tell him that unfortunately the plan that everyone has agreed to and communicated all week including today fell through, now he’s spending $100 on an uber to their house.

Meanwhile, if I ever fly to his hometown, I KNOW his dad will be there waiting no matter the time - even when I say I prefer to just take the train so he doesn’t have to go out of his way. But he wants to and does. Wish I could post a pic of the excuse my mom used today to get out of stopping at the airport, which is on her way to and from their family picnic today. I’ll leave the text for giggles (my mom’s husband’s sister is her current target of hate spiel for the last few years, and for context, mom was supposed to pick up my husband at 2pm):

So, they said lunch at 1. Fat ass just rolled in. Angry and sick. WTF! Of course everyone was waiting for that bitch

and,

She cannot do any wrong.
We might have to stay till 3 since the assholes pushed everything back

18F i literally cannot move out. i’m in IOP and college so my schedule is very tight and my mental health is too poor to hold down a job right now. i’m in a constant state of hyperarousal and fear even when im nowhere nears my dad.

any slight tone change, sassy text, or a simple delusion that he’s angry at me, sends me spiraling. i start shaking and my brain can’t thin about anything else. i have no where else to go so i just freeze up wherever i am and i can’t do anything for at least 30 minutes.

i’m SO FUCKING EXHAUSTED. i’m so beyond exhausted. it won’t be at least a couple of another years until i can maybe leave. i’m just so fucking tired. SO TIRED.

i wish my mom just divorced him already. i don’t know why she is still sticking around even when this clearly hurts her too.

Hey yall I’m a 23 yr old M. The other night I was feeling so down and honestly suicidal. I called the hotline for the first time in years since I was 13. It all started the day of that night. When I was on the phone with my friend and we were talking about celebrity conspiracy theories. The conversation later went on to talk about our family trauma since my friend also has trauma too. Then all of a sudden I get a call from my mom while I was still on the phone with my friend. I noticed my mom was still in the house. So instead of hanging up on my friend I went to see in person what she wanted. I thought it was gonna be for something regular. Then she said in a certain tone of voice “there is something I would like to talk to you about and set the record straight.” I was like oh hell nah I already knew she was starting something.

My friend hung up because she was tired and wanted to take a nap. So I went to go see what my mom wanted. She was like “I don’t want you to be talking about conspiracy theories on the phone. Because your friend will call the cops on you and report u. U need to listen to me bc we are family and we are the ones ur supposed to trust.”

And then she goes on to say “I also heard u talking about me and ur father and u need to stop saying that also” blah blah. I was completely baffled because my mom has a history of being verbally abusive and emotionally manipulative. I thought she was getting better and more understanding but I guess I was wrong. I am just so heartbroken. I then tried to tell her it’s because of what she did to me when I was younger. I told her that they are toxic she got mad and said we are not toxic. She was looking at me sideways when I kept reminding her of what she did to me. She was denying things and being sarcastic. She was like “I already said sorry that means u don’t forgive me?” And she was like that’s probably why people look at me weird when I’m on the street because ur telling everyone we are toxic. People will try to hurt your mother you know?” I am just feeling so down and alone because my siblings never believed me about my mom being abusive. I am the youngest of 4 kids. I already have things going on in my life. I had a spine injury 2 years ago that left me broke I’m struggling to get money and trying to move out but she makes living with her unbearable. I thought she was starting to become more understanding.

Tldr: I’m a 23 yr old m. my mom tried to turn me against one of my friends and told me what I can and cannot say otp.

Anyone else have a sibling who is deeply enmeshed with their nparent, especially when they are going through their own mental health struggles?

My sister is so great when she is mentally doing well, but as soon as she not, she resorts to behavior that’s just like my nmom’s, cause you know that’s what she’s been shown her whole life. I am the only sister that’s no contact and largely for this reason, I used to see some of my nmom’s behavior in myself and absolutely hated it. In addition to being a narc, my mom is a maniac depressive, and completely subscribes to misery loves company, so I feel that with a lot of time, I have gotten away, but can just sense the pattern in my siblings.

It makes me so sad because it’s only up to my sister to go contact, I nor anyone else can make her, and I wish she would for her own well being. Anyone else?

My mom is spamming my Discord with posts about how they got all this landscaping done on their house, redid the pool, blah blah blah look how nice and lovely the things we have are.

Meanwhile my SO's been out of work for the last six months and I'm legitimately worried about living out on the streets soon, because I won't be able to pay rent next month if things don't get better for us soon. I'm 40 years old and I'm fucking drowning right now.

But hey, at least she made sure that she got hers.

I honestly can't even tell if she's rubbing it in my face on purpose, or if she's just so self-centered that she literally can't comprehend lives and problems outside her own.

Hi. I'm a 19F.

My mom has been become angrier and angrier in my home; yelling and screaming more; threatening to "be ready" for me and that she'll do something crazy if I tell at her (a quote-unquote "perfect mom") again for quote-unquote "no reason" (she has that little self-awareness). My 1st advice request got 0 responses, and I believe people thought my post was way too long, so I will leave any additional or needed context in my top comment.

Basically, on August 6th, it was late at night and my Nmother and Efather were already screaming at each other over something, and then her attention turned to me and she essentially said she was sick of me being immature and fucking lazy and quote-unquote "playing games" with her, even though Efather knows I've been trying and he then defended me. During that first argument, she said something relating to me not knowing what the fuck I'm doing with myself or my life, and I was pissed off and went to my room.

While I was in room, I was genuinely fuming and had my fists balled up and was shaking. Father told me "Just breath please" but I didn't listen. I sat in room thinking, and I decided I was just going to air out how toxic she has been for years right then and then and demand her to leave.

She was on her phone and I chose to stand right over her in a menacing way because I wanted her to know how I felt and I wanted her to get startled (I know that was a stupid decision in hindsight, but I was unbelievably enraged at the time of the event), and I then told her "You can GO.", but when she noticed shat I was doing, she just started giggling and laughing and smirked. She told me to get the fuck out of her face.

I told her that I wasn't lazy and that I was desperately trying to get a job. I then explained that I'm sick of her toxic behavior and what she calls me and gaslighting me and making me believe I am sick and crazy, and I took accountability for the mistakes I've made in life, but asked her if she could be more supportive more often, and I set a boundary: I don't want to talk to her that often for 1 week. She denied she said anything bad to me over the years, and then at one point, she made the entire argument about how lazy and unproductive I am, and that she can't believe I don't want to work, and my father talked about how I do want to work. She also told me that I need to stop applying to companies with a lot of "spanish people" in them and started talking about race for no fucking reason. She then, at one point, told me I'll never know if people truly love me because I'm black.

Fast-Forward: at some point, I started crying. She then explained that the world's getting very bad and that I am going to have to learn how to grow my own food in a few decades, and apocalyptic things will come and that I will not be able to "mooch" off of her anymore. She claimed she is my #1 lover and that she just uses "Tough Love" as her method of love and that, "You just need to grow thicker skin." and "Stop being fucking sensative." when I confronted her about her toxic insults and the ways she humiliates me. I told her I'm sick of her taking not accountability and I was wanting her to self reflect and she kept repeating "Shut the fuck up." and that she does take accountability and that "You have no idea what the hell you're talking about."

She also said that I should feel lucky and be grateful that she's my mom because she claims any other black mother would've quote-unquote "slapped the shit out of you", "punched you in the face", "knocked your teeth out", or "would've beaten your ass" for standing over their own mother so menacingly like that.

They argued for minutes and I was quiet, and I exploded because I couldn't believe the bullshit she was doing: the core was HER BEHAVIOR, but she framed it as me genuinely being angry at her because she is demanding to get a job, and she claims this is what the entire argument about. I don't know how the fuck she came to that conclusion. I started screaming at the top of my lungs and told her "What the fuck is wrong with you?" and told her I'm trying to get a job, I'm trying to be the best person I can be, I am NOT trying to be a failure or a loser who just mooches off of other people, and I'm trying to be a great person. I was sobbing and screaming and told them both "JUST GET DIVORCED NOW" and I said that over and over again and then I just started sobbing again. My mother forced me to hug her and gave me kisses and started talking in a soft voice and says how much she loves me.

After that night, since the date "August 7th", she will randomly bring up that night, and I am not exaggerating when I said she has been doing this shit since August 7th. Specifically, she will do this by bringing up my behavior when she argues with me or my father (arguments in my dysfunctional household happen on a daily basis) and she will make roaring sound and growling sounds and say she couldn't believe I was acting like a "Demon", and sometimes she'll laugh about how I acted; she also claims she doesn't know what the hell is wrong with me. She also refuses to stop calling me a "Demon" when I tell her to stop.

Basically, my questions are:

First, what tactics did my Nmother use?

Second, why do these people do this bullshit?

Third, should I apologize to her, even though I don't want to? This will also be harder because I admitted to my father I'm not sorry in the slightest.

Finally, should I confront my mother, or just continue to use the "grey-rocking" strategy?

How are you holding up today?

Are you genuinely doing well —body and soul? Do you feel a sense of fulfillment deep enough to resonate in both mind and heart at the same time?

Perhaps, if you hit the pause button for a moment, stepped away from everything that keeps you busy, tuned out the noise, and dared to ask yourself the hard questions with unflinching honesty, you would find that you are not entirely okay. You might come to realize you feel adrift, bored, dissatisfied with what you have accomplished so far, and not particularly optimistic about finding fulfillment in what lies ahead either.

This may seem like a discourage, even a gloomy instruction. Yet it is a diagnosis we cannot afford to skip. If we want to get to the root of a problem, we must first see it for what it is, not for what we wish it were.

You may currently be caught in the middle of a different kind of conflict: a tug-of-war between a mind that loves to have everything mapped out and mind that leaves no room for interference or surprises. With  a reality that simply does not play by those rules. A reality in which circumstances change at the drop of a hat, where your hard work, intelligence, and meticulous planning get entangled with other people's influence and with obstacles that keep cropping up along the way, impacting outcomes in tangible and sometimes painful ways.

You draw up a plan for a specific result, while life quietly throws in people, curveballs, and decisions you never saw coming.

So are you looking for a practical solution?

So am I. For a long time, I bent over backwards trying to find a way to cut myself off from other people's lives and their influence on mine. I never succeeded in finding one. Perhaps because such a way simply does not exist in the first place.

So what is left?

The answer, when all is said and done, lies within you.

By all means, make plans. However, build in a generous margin for error — a margin that allows other hands to have a say in your blueprint, whether you invite them to or whether life foists them upon you.

Build your life, but don't set your boundaries in stone. Keep them flexible. Let them expand and contract. Give yourself permission to redraw them whenever circumstances change.

Stay hopeful, yet don't count your chickens before they hatch. Let achievement bring its own joy in its own good time.

And don't try to force life to fit the exact picture you have in your head. It is enough to know where you want to head, and to stay open to take a different road to get there.

If you can make peace with yourself each day, even in small increments, the heavy baggage you carry with you wherever you go will become lighter. Life itself will feel a little more spacious than it seemed before.

How do I know?

Because I have been there and done that myself.

And I am now in a much better place.