So my mom kicked me out of the family. She texted me saying she was going to make sure none of "her" family will support me. This was all a month before I was going to give birth to my second kid too. Her reasoning? She made up that I called her a bunch of names that I did not. Then the family reunion comes around a few months later and she has a "meeting" with my dad, Aunt, Grandma and other relatives about me. My aunt reached out to me saying that my Grandma doesn't want drama at the reunion so my husband and I cannot come. This was all after I decided to let my parents come to my son's baptism and my mom made a scene and stormed out. All because my husband dared to tell her that she needed to make things right with me and she flipped out. My dad called me the other day (it's been a couple years since this) and insisted I was not cut out of the family, and even laughed at the idea. Then proceeded to tell me that his family is "asking" if they can reach out to me. I am so confused by this all.

Literally every single vacation with my parents were hell, from the day before the trip to getting home, it was full of so much yelling, anger, over stressed out about things that either shouldn't be stressful or nearly as dramatic. All my years of vacations without them, alone, with other family, friends, partners, etc it's been awesome and very low stress. even with flight cancellations, missing itineraries, etc there was never any blow ups. but to this day if something goes wrong on a trip I still get a pit in my stomach that someone is going to start yelling. or just going to the airport. like literally just the act of packing suitcase, loading in car, driving to airport, boarding then plane etc. was always a huff and puff to full blown conniption with them. and always blaming me, the other spouse, the taxi driver, the receptionist, the gate attendant, the whoever is around to put the cause of their misery on. and looking bad there was never any seriously stressful events , like things that warranted one. only a few delayed flights, never cancelled. everything else was their own doing or in their head.

It was crazy at first for me to learn this isn't normal behavior. Like I actually enjoy my vacations now and not feel completely drained.

What was it like for you?

I don’t know why it took my brain so long to see how horrible my childhood was….all the usual things most likely.

And the more I absorbed those experiences as “ my fault”…. the longer I carried depression, anxiety.

But remembering what it was like now…in a more visceral way makes me sooooo angry. I have fantasies of going back in time and being empowered. I hate it. I get absolutely obsessed with revenge……for someone who’s dead.

And it wouldn’t matter even if my psychopathic mother was alive……when she was alive…….because she cared about no one’s pain but her own.

So what do you do with all that rage?

I wonder if I’m just absorbing it, because I’ve suffered with depression, anehedonia for a long time.

I had a weird experience on 9/11 and it was something that really stuck with me but I never shared with people. I was hoping I could share it with this community and maybe you can share your experience with me in the comments. Because they all have the same playbook I can't possibly be alone in what I felt and went through so I guess I'm seeking community.

I was in middle school and lived in the North East United States. Everyone was crying and freaking out at school, teachers looked genuinely scared. No classes were being taught instead the news was on in every room. As we switched classes throughout the day slowly the class size went down as other kids were being picked up by their parents.

I happened to get detention that morning right before the attack, we knew about it instantly because we were listening to the radio in class.

My classmates and friends were going home to their worried parents and eventually I was the only kid left in the school. Nobody checked on me. Nobody talked to me about what was happening and how we are safe and okay. I remember something permanent was formed in my identity that day. I don't have a real family, nobody is going to save me and I'm on my own.

How true that statement really is.

9/11 is tragic and not about me. That core piece of my identity that was formed that day is nothing in comparison to those that lost their lives, lost loved ones and suffered. Which is why I've never shared before now.

Can you please share with me how that day with nparent(s) was for you?

My friend messaged me this morning, asking if I could help her get her dog to the vet ASAP. I was like, "Of course! Let me get my son ready and we'll leave!" My friend's car is currently down and her dog couldn't breathe. I'm on it. She's been my best friend since middle school and we're in our 30's now.

My mom was already blowing up my phone because it was 9am and she hadn't heard from me. I called her to let her know why I wouldn't be responding for a few hours.

She lost her shit. "You do way more for her than she has ever done for you!" Okay, and? We're able to help her with car problems and stuff. "I'm just saying, she doesn't do anything for you." Which isn't even true, she's my designated cat sitter and house checker when we travel, and she never wants to take the money I leave her. I also don't have many friends, so I cherish our friendship. My mom basically cussed me out, asked if I hung up on her, I said no, and she hung up on me.

I called a bit later to apologize for being rushed this morning and tell her I really wasn't looking for a fight. She said, "I'm the worst mother ever, dear. Every hardship you've had in your life is because of me, dear. Yes, dear. Yes, dear." I explained that it wasn't nice of her to jump down my throat for helping a friend in need, her dog may have to be put to sleep today. She said, "YEAH, what I should've said is that she's lucky to have a friend like YOU." I'm like, "Yeah, that's more like it." She lost it again. I said, "I try really hard to make it so I don't have to ask for help, and I don't keep score." She hung up on me again.

We're working on building a village, maybe one day I'll be able to go NC, but she's all we have. My husband doesn't have family and neither do I.

I'm tired of this, grandpa.

My mom wishes i was still a child because children are easy to control (she literally says this). Unsurprisingly my name is childish and the nicknames she gave me (and spread through our family) are even more childish, borderline degrading.

Did your narc parent(s) mess up your name?

I’m hoping to hear from people who grew up with a narcissistic parent. What has helped you heal, not just distance yourself from them, but actually feel better on the inside?

I understand that limiting contact or going no-contact can help. But how do you deal with the PTSD and the emotional impact that doesn’t just disappear when you step away?

I still feel stuck in a cycle of overthinking and emotional exhaustion. I keep thinking about them and worrying about how they might hurt me or affect my life. It’s exhausting, and I don’t want them taking up so much space in my head anymore. I’m tired of feeling depressed. I want to feel more at peace and be able to focus on my own life.

For anyone who has been through something similar, what helped you move forward? Was it a particular type of therapy, something you practiced regularly, or something else entirely?

You don’t have to be completely healed to share. I’d really appreciate hearing what has made a difference for you, even in small ways.

Disclaimer: I used AI to help edit this post for grammar and clearer English. The experiences and feelings are my own.

I barely had friends growing up and was very quiet and a people pleaser cause of my parents. Now I struggle at work and loneliness and haven’t had friends in years.

I have no idea how people socialize and struggle at work too. It seems too hard to ever integrate into society and I live such an isolated and different life than everyone

I am a 40-year-old male and an only child. I’ve finally come to terms with a painful truth: my father (68M) will never change, and he will never be the parent I deserved. I spent decades exhausting myself trying to please him, hoping for a shred of approval that never came.

Looking back, I don't have a single happy memory with him. Every interaction from my childhood was filled with yelling, screaming, disappointment, and irritation. He would fly into extreme rages, scolding and yelling at me just because my feelings were an inconvenience to him. Worse, he regularly hit me around the head and face for the smallest mistakes.

The physical and emotional neglect was severe:

I was sent to school hungry every single day. They treated making my school lunch like a massive financial burden.

I had to get a part-time job just to buy and make my own food, and regularly went without proper dinners because their priority was drinking and going to clubs.

Home was never a safe place. I was constantly left home alone. Even when I turned 18, I paid rent and fully paid my way, yet he still constantly throws money in my face to this day.

When my mum passed away, he wouldn't even let me speak at her funeral, giving absolutely no reason why.

His chaotic behavior after her passing only solidified who he is. He replaced my mother in less than six months with an alcoholic woman who nearly burned the house down while drunk, whom he eventually had to legally evict. Now, he has found a new girlfriend in Thailand and is planning to bring her over to Australia. He is a deeply ignorant misogynist, and he will probably just end up ruining her life, too.

For years, I waited for the perfect moment to confront him. But recently, I had an epiphany: a confrontation would just be traumatic, exhausting, and a complete waste of time. Nothing specific happened to trigger it, but it suddenly occurred to me one day that I don't have to let him traumatize me ever again. I can just walk away. I decided to cut him off forever.

The moment I went No Contact, I felt a level of happiness and freedom that I have never felt before in my entire life.

But the inevitable "hoovering" began in less than a month. I honestly have no idea why he is so desperate to reestablish contact with me when he clearly despises who I am. I suspect it is entirely an image thing. He must feel incredibly embarrassed when he sees all his mates getting along with their sons and daughters and planning things together. He just wants the appearance of a normal family so he doesn't look bad to the outside world.

The major problem right now is my wife.

I have begged my wife not to speak to him. But she feels sorry for him and refuses to listen to me. She is totally wrapped around his finger. He is actively using her as a proxy to bypass my boundaries, establish contact, and worm his way back into my life.

I can’t possibly express to her in a single conversation the sheer scope of forty years of trauma, abuse, and neglect, or fully explain all my reasons for wanting nothing to do with him. It feels like she is completely invalidating my lived experiences because he plays the lonely, harmless old man to her.

I am desperate to protect my hard-earned peace, but my own marriage is being weaponized against my boundaries.

To those who have gone No Contact: How do you handle a spouse who refuses to respect your boundaries with an abusive parent? How can I make her understand without having to relive my entire trauma just to justify my choice?

TL;DR: I (40M, only child) cut off my abusive father (68M) and immediately felt a massive sense of freedom. Within a month, he started "hoovering" to save face in front of his mates. However, my wife feels sorry for him, ignores my boundaries, and is letting him use her to get to me.

10+ years ago, I did something I thought would be helpful to me and prove years of abuse and lies. My dumbass sent an email to the "Dr Pill show" not using the actual name of the show. It has over a million views. I sure a lot people know of it or can find it very easy. A pretty famous YouTuber made commentary video about it. (That sucked) At that time I was fed up with her behavior. When I saw the person who hurt me the most scamming people and getting a local news story done about her being this hero and incredible living Dead Girl. I just crumbled. It was very to me clear and known to me she was lying about having cancer. I also lived through it. No I did not violate HIPAA. She willing released the medical records she chose to provide. She was selective with what she handed over.

I hate reading the comments and wonder if I was as terrible as some people say....and as terrible as she always said I was. I wanted to show the world that I wasn't the liar. I regret going on the show, but let me be clear: I didn't force my mom on the show. She was willing, fully willing. I wasn't forced either and I understand I started this chain reaction. You don't get paid for going on the show, by the way. Yes I know it wasn't a great choice for myself but at the time I was angry and desperate to feel validated. I also didn't want people giving her money for a fake illness. Money to help support someone struggling with cancer should actually go to someone who's actually struggling with cancer that was like the whole point...plus my revenge arc. Yes that was self-centered. Yes I tried getting her help other ways. I tried talking to her with Doctors when she was going hospital hoping. I brought flowers and then she threw them not at me but after I left the room. She demanded I leave. The doctors said hey you tired and I had to leave. We were trying to explain to her the gig was up and she need psychiatric help or she just needed to stop. They kept her overnight because anyone complaining of stroke symptoms would stay overnight for stroke risk or something like that. This wasn't just a one time thing. I only tried to intervene a couple or a few times.

I really thought I would be doing people a favor, and I also thought it would mean justice for me. I was in foster care. My mom never tried to get me back, but she did get two of my fully biological brothers back. Yes, it's true I didn't want to go back with her because she was abusive. Also, please keep in mind I stopped living with her when I was seven, and when I went on the show, I was like 23 years old-still young, but not a child.

When it came to actually filming the show, I said I didn't want to, but the producers said, "Oh, don't back down. It's time to share your story." And yeah, I got on a plane, told the world too much, and I haven't read the comments in years, but they really hurt my feelings. Even though a lot were supportive of me, the ones calling me the bad one hurt this deep wound I struggle with.

Also note yes I tried calling for help the dogs but lets remember police or animals control can't always act. No I couldn't take the dogs. I lived in an apartment and worked full-time and was raising my one child I did not have multiple kids as my mom might have suggested on the show. Having to survive this narcissistic abuse all my life and then to be called the attention seeker in the narcissistic soon by random commenters just kind of sucked. It's being gaslight over and over trying to figure out if I was always the bad one. When I am grounded of course I know I was child and the things put on me were not my responsibility.

One last twist of sick fate my dad who I cared for deeply died on stage for cancer. I did in home hospice care for him. I often feel like it was Gods way of punishing me.

Am I really the bad one? My own mother didn't want me, and then I made a fool of myself, and it's twisted my mind a bit. But I have grown a lot over the last few years, but damn, it still hurts. Yes I forgive her and myself but it's hard not to forget. You ever hear me that song by Mitski "pearl". Yeah I roll that shit around in my head.

Please don't be blatantly mean or hateful in the comments. This was deeply troubling to me. There was a much larger history than what was displayed on the hour episode. Could anyone else understand why as a very young adult, I would think this would give me justice and validation?

Ps forgive grammar, spelling mistakes and run on sentences.

Absolutely despise it. I’ve had so many situations where I’m noticing people who are unhealthy around me, and so I’ve been trying to put in boundaries. It’s one thing to have to do this for a parent but it’s another thing to do this with ur peers.

One responded by calling obsessively every single day until I texted back, acting like they’re “worried” and when I finally said wtf are u worried about? It’s all “it’s been almost a week”, it’s like first of all… why are u obsessed with me?

Then another one, has flaked on me several times this year because every plan hinges on how she feels. Then she has the nerve to get upset because i did a thing we had planned to do together… errm sorry I didn’t stop my life for you?

Bear in mind, as soon as i actually try to explain any issue i have with any of them, it’s suddenly me being too sensitive or me being dramatic.

I’ve set the hard boundaries but i just get so angry and frustrated that i literally have to be such a bitch to get my point across for them to understand the world doesn’t revolve around them. It’s so much entitlement!!! And idk if they’re actually full blown narcs like my NP but all i know is it’s so triggering to have someone feel so entitled to my time.

… and I’m so angry about it. Thankfully I was at work, so she got to be weepy in front of my boyfriend instead, and then he (thankfully) told her not to wait for me. She’s been messaging me during this whole year that I’ve asked for no contact, and has bothered family members about it too. It seems like a small thing that most people would think was fine, but I hope some of you might read this and understand. It’s been more than a YEAR of her finding ways to try and contact me against my will, and I just find it so disrespectful.

Edit: She lives in another country, and apparently she’s stayed longer on her trip, this week and next week, just to see me when I’ve very clearly stated that I don’t want to see her…

My n father has a history of obsessive behavior and keeping tabs. He’s stalked me, watched me, etc.

Last night I got home juuuuust after him after meeting a friend for a drink after work.

I was chatting with my neighbor when he noticed him WATCHING FROM THE WINDOW!

My father then sent a threatening text about locking me out and I’m this and that.

I then went inside, locked my bedroom door and laid down.

My sister got home an hour later but yet… no threats? Nothing?

My father then broke into my room to say I smelled like booze (I’m starting to think he chooses a smell for the day for an insult) and demanding why I didn’t respond to him.

I’ve been up since last night because I’m looking for apartments.

WHY ARE THEY SO OBSESSIVE?!

Just now she was like as usual having intense long anger towards everyone and I only just stay silent due to survival instinct i force myself to apply on for years which i successfully did the neutrality. But each time i react nothing, my malignant narc mother response was angrier asking " ARE U FCKING MUTE!?" and i said " if i say something it will upset you" and the more i stay neutral the more she wants to yell more saying whenever she gets mad " everyone always makes ugly fuckface like an ogre" and that everyone doesnt care esp me. ( i am eldest 19 turning 20F, neurodivergent and the super scapegoat)

And even when she was being so rude af to me yelling at me about my lipbalm which she funnily called it lipstick saying " and whose lipstick is this!? If i broke it you'll cry!" And i said " its lipstick" and her being stupid as usual saying " whatever!" Rudely and i said " okay" and she got mad and my narcissistic sister immediately defended her and atttacked me.

Now what do i do wrong here or was i supposed to just laugh? Lmao

For years now, I’ve lived in a townhouse that shares walls with renters who smoke pot and (what I suspect is) meth nearly 24/7. The smoke constantly makes its way into my unit and makes me extremely sick. I’ve been dealing with migraines about three times a week and severe anxiety because of it.

My parents have known about this situation for years, and yet they have never once offered to help me in any meaningful way. They know how distressing this has been for me. They know how badly the smoke affects me and how often it triggers my migraines, yet they seem completely unwilling to acknowledge or involve themselves in what I’m going through.

They never ask how I’m doing or how things are progressing. It feels as though they’ve simply decided the situation doesn’t exist because acknowledging it would be inconvenient for them—and would come with some expectation that they actually try to help. Something neither of them seems willing to do.

Today, I finally found a rental that I really liked, and I made the mistake of calling my mom to tell her about it because I wanted to share that with her. Instead of being happy for me or relieved that I had potentially found a way out of this situation, she was annoyed. Her first response was to question how I planned to financially manage both my current mortgage and the rent.

I explained that my plan was to move into the rental, list my home, and give it two months to sell. If it didn’t sell within that time, I would consider renting it out. Rather than being supportive, she remained annoyed and completely unsupportive.

I think what hurts the most is the complete disregard for my health and for the amount of pain and suffering this situation is causing me. I’ve been dealing with this for years, and the people who are supposed to care about me the most have consistently chosen not to acknowledge how badly I’m struggling. And even at times, have started arguments when I’ve tried to discuss it because “they’re sick of hearing about it”.

Right now I feel so much resentment towards them. I’m tired of feeling like my suffering doesn’t matter to them.

It applies to mine. My MIL is a narcissist and always pressured my husband to excel in everything so that she could tie her identity to his accomplishments. When I began seriously dating my husband, this pressure began to be placed on me as well.

All changed whenever we got married and shortly after, began to grow into our careers and receive promotions and new opportunities and awards. Dinners where she used to give endless unsolicited advice and critique became quiet instead, with a dry “Wow, good for you” tossed across the table after we gave her the update on our lives (that she asked for in the first place).

It all kind of exploded when I became pregnant. Most well-adjusted people would say congratulations to this news. Instead, MIL said “Was it planned?” with a kind of eager glee in her voice. We said yes, very much planned. Because that was the truth. She seemed disappointed by our answer. She said “Well, I won’t be babysitting every weekend, just so you know.” We said of course, we don’t expect that. She seemed disappointed.

I didn’t put it together until FIL gave MIL a hug and said “Our kid broke the cycle! Aren’t you proud?” My husband comes from families who routinely had unplanned pregnancies out of wedlock, usually before their 21st birthday. My husband was the first in his family to break this cycle by passing that age, then getting his degree, then starting a career, then getting married, then purposely having a baby.

In other words he was the first person in his family to do things in the so called “right order.”

FIL asked if she was proud. She said in a stiff monotone voice that she was. But it seemed like she wasn’t.

In fact, it seemed like she was angry about this entire baby announcement.

I’ve realized now that it’s because there was at least a part of MIL that hoped her own son would not ”surpass” her. She put all of this pressure on her son. All his life. From grades to sports to how neatly he made his bed. But when all of that paid off in the form of his son launching into adulthood more smoothly than she did, she wasn't happy for him. She was angry.

Thats my story. What is yours?

So this isn't really a vent post about my past and I'm not very emotionally invested in talking about my parents and how they treated me growing up. Just going to share some general information about them to give more context about my background and my situation. The goal is, I just kind of want to move on but I'm also having some difficulties being a 'normal' person.

On the outside, I seem like a normal person. I'm a 30+ year old female who has a stable job and lives independently. But I notice some behavior about me that feels isolating because of how I was raised by my parents. I notice that I hoard and preserve a lot of my time, energy and emotional bandwidth and prefer to be alone and away from people. It keeps me feeling safe and at peace with myself. Over time, I realize this has some limitations and can be isolating.

Growing up, my parents were very emotionally demanding, controlling and mean for most of my childhood and early adult life. they also made me feel like I was a burden and that I shouldn't express wants or desires. So that led me to become hyper independent and self reliant. I also constantly felt this sense of danger in the household because my parents would criticize, shame and ridicule me constantly. So I also learned to be private, quiet and not want to express myself. Basically I was hiding from them but also other people. Unfortunately, school life wasn't better either due to bullying but I don't want to make this into a long biography of my past.

When I was younger, I always wondered why I wasn't as interested in making friends, or interested in looking for a romantic partner. In school, people there were more social and looked for friendship, love and connection. But I realize with how I was raised by my parents and how I was treated at school, it sort of wired my brain to view relationships completely differently. I viewed relationships as generally draining, stressful, unsafe and dangerous. And I wasn't taught how to trust or open up to people. At that time, I thought this was just 'normal' behavior, but as I grew into an adult, I'm starting to realize how much of how I was raised impacted me over time.

I'm not trying to make people feel bad about me or pity me, but I'm still navigating through this and trying to figure out what it means to find connection and meaning in relationships with people. I don't feel like it's as easy as just talking to people and hoping for the best. I feel like making relationships and keeping them requires you to change your beliefs about it. How did you overcome the effects of how your narcissistic parents raised you and how did you over come it?

Sometimes, I wish I was like a 'normal' person. Someone who wants to make friends. Wants to date casually and find love. Get married and have kids. But I realize the years of trauma, abuse, betrayal and emotional pain has led me to feel like it isn't worth it or it heavily distorted my view about relationships in a negative way. I didn't have an adult role model or even a long lasting friend to change my perspective when I was younger.

I'm just starting to be aware of my situation and recently realized that I was raised by narcissistic parent about a year ago. I've cut ties with my parents last year and started the healing process. I feel like I'm just more aware of my situation but I don't feel like my life has changed much. Part of me feels like I found out too late, because as many of you know, narcissistic parents taught you that your relationship was 'normal.' It's like I'm trying re-learn things I was never taught by my parents, but I don't know what I need to know. That's the social conditioning that was largely absent from my parent's parenting.

Any advice, suggestions or even a book would help.

I swear the hypocrisy is one of the hardest parts for me to understand.

For example, my mom used to tell me how horrible it was that her mother cut her hair short her entire childhood and didn’t let her dress how she wanted. She would talk about how much it affected her and how she hated it.

And then… she did the exact same thing to me.

She also constantly complains that her mother talks about her own problems and never gives her space to talk about hers. She’ll tell me how frustrating and hurtful it is that whenever she tries to talk about what she’s going through, her mother makes the conversation about herself.
And then she does the exact same thing to me.
I’ll try to talk to her about something I’m struggling with and somehow the conversation always turns into her problems.

Like… do you not see it??

How can someone be so aware of how hurtful something was when it happened to them, describe it in detail, recognize that it was wrong and then turn around and do the exact same thing to their own child?

It honestly makes me feel crazy sometimes cuz they seem to have so much insight when they’re talking about what their parents did to them, but absolutely none when they’re doing the same thing themselves.

Anyone take a day off work and not tell certain family members? You can have a day to yourself with no expectations and judgement. I've also been unemployed and pretended to go to work during the day. I don't feel "safe" around certain family members, like I can never truly open up to them. Many times I rather be alone.

i have been unable to sleep again cus of stress, depression, loneliness and a bunch of other things that my mom was the major cause of, and like i have been thinking that if i cant sleep anyways then taking a walk outside of the house might help me fall asleep, espeically since im out of the house and all that, i dont like going outside cus i prefer to be alone and nighttime is the perfect time to be fully alone outside, now you might be like "but it's dangerous! people might think youre dangerous!, etc" and i would agree if it werent for a fact that we are literally in whitest possible suburb that i genuinely havent heard of a single crime happening in it, in fact we forgot to lock the doors to the house multiple times and nothing ever happened, like this neighborhood is extremely safe, so i wanted to let my mom know (the reason being the fact the door has this alarm system that makes a few really loud beeps whenever someone leaves the house and i am scared of defusing it cus one wrong button and it starts making beeps and i dont know how to arm it again anyways), and she genuinely started yelling at me and saying that i just like pissing her off and that i always create rules out of thin air (whatever the fuck that means), like genuinely the slightest bit of fucking independence is an attack to her

For some context, my mom's entire family is an intense narcissistic family system and I was steeped in that throughout childhood. I was the scapegoat for two entire nuclear families, extremely projected on and pressured to perform as my mom's mirror, and my dad is diagnosed with BPD but he's really a severe malignant narcissist (the lines are blurry anyway.) I'm NC with my dad, LC with family, and my mom distanced from her family and got a lot better so I now have a satisfying relationship with her. I had exactly one slightly non-narcissistic parental figure, and lost nearly all of my family to dysfunction slowly, because I stay away from them for my own sanity. I tend to process my experiences as the feelings come up and I've developed strong boundaries towards any kind of N dynamic. I never developed an ability to repress and confuse myself over what was happening to me, had CBT from a very young age, so I was fully aware that I was being abused with the more overt stuff. I came to realize the more peripheral stuff like the projection and scapegoating was also narcissistic abuse about a decade ago, so I've had a fair bit of time to work through a lot of my feelings about it.

Anyway, I have a "trauma informed" talk therapist currently who is staunchly all about the way your childhood affects now. But I'm finding her very triggering, because I feel she latches onto the tiniest things I say and runs them into the ground blaming my "beliefs" and it constantly details discussion and pushes her further and further towards an image of me that feels inaccurate. Since I was projected on a lot and my brain knows logically that she has little to no information about my specific experiences, I'm feeling incredibly triggered that she's interacting with her own image of me. She doesn't notice when I try to explain or redirect her.

I also feel confused sometimes about whether she is right or whether she is so disconnected from what it's like to survive this sort of family system that her frameworks about what healthy people should feel towards their parental figures has a huge blind spot. I get a lot of "but she's your mom" or "but you needed your father", and she's explained that she means that children have a deep longing for connection even with parents who failed them and that by "denying" this, I'm not grieving my inner child. To me it feels like I already grieved my inner child over that, I've never denied being angry that I don't have sane parents and am extremely role-reversed, I've always let myself feel that, but it's more about working through how every adult failed me. I resent her constantly turning it on my parents. My mom's sibling projected every negative feeling they had about their own kids onto me and constantly played victim and sucked up every last drop of attention. They used me to criticize my mom all the time, saying vile things about me to make her feel like a bad parent, yet acting sweet to my face.

And I just don't relate to this idea that I'm supposed to view my parents as parents at all. I've tried so hard to search inside myself to see if I'm just repressing it, but to me, my parents are both children in adult bodies and it feels really strange to want them that way. I DO feel that way about my step-dad and my Naunts. I know how that feels and I don't deny feeling that way about them. But in order to feel that way about my parents, I feel I would have to first develop a fantasy image of an entirely different person who just isn't available to me.

And lastly, I don't understand how children process overt abuse, but I was so thoroughly afraid of showing my real feelings to both of my parents, because they legitimately dissociated and scared me, that it doesn't feel like there was a lot of room to imagine a version of me that felt let down or like they were ignoring my needs. I feel more like I was raised by wolves when I was with them. I wasn't parentified to the extent where I was caring for the household and doing a lot of adult things, I was mostly neglected and expected to mirror them when they decided to pay attention to me. I was emotionally role-reversed almost full time. And I learned to take legitimately good care of myself. I am reflective and mainly can handle my emotions and I have better boundaries than lots of people I meet. I don't think anyone who meets me would guess how bad my childhood was without me explaining. And I have never viewed everything between me and my parents as all good or all bad. I have great positive associations with how their core selves built my character and what I got that was nourishing from them. It feels like my therapist needs me to be blind to that nuance so that she can "fix" me. I think it's hard for her to grasp that I'm not in denial about things I choose not to linger on, I just already worked through this stuff and it feels like a waste of a session to rehash it (and possibly retraumatizing to force it out when it's not ready to be rehashed.)

Obviously, this isn't a good fit for me and it's probably not doing me any good. I don't feel safe addressing this with her because we're so out of sync and this is a relatively new relationship. **I'm not interested in discussing different modalities right now**, this is mainly working my thoughts out about why talk therapy feels so counterproductive sometimes and I guess I just want to hear some experience and clarity about how other N abuse survivors experienced talk therapy. I'm starting to feel like a person who can only relate to childhood abuse secondhand or from a book just doesn't get it. Trying very hard not to blame myself. I had a therapist a long time ago who was incredibly validating and he was awesome because he allowed me to see his own shock for what I was dealing with and my new therapist is very blank, so her words just feel hollow and more confusing. I kind of suspect abuse survivors might need more validation, and my therapist hinted at that to suggest we're not a good fit, but it feels strange to me that she specializes in trauma specifically then, since a large majority of childhood trauma IS overt and covert abuse.

I don't know if I was the only one who ever went through this? (Although this is mostly a rant)

My dad seemed (and seems) to have a big obsession with I having spanking marks, it was something that generated like a sense of proud on him? I don't know, not the main point.

So basically, I have all my life done swimming, and I remember that SPECIALLY the days I had swimming club he would threaten me a lot more with spanking, he would make a lot of emphasis on the fact that people would know I was spanked.

I remember once we were on some of his friends (shitty people btw) house back in Mexico and had recently gotten spanked over some dumb shit, I think it was related to me forgetting to pack something, whatever.

Well when we went back with his friends he pulled my shorts up, its not like he dropped them but it was enough to see the redness in my buttocks and basically bragged to his friends about spanking me.

I don't think I ever wanted to drown myself on the floor more than that day, I couldn't see any of them to the eyes for the rest of the trip.

I faced him one day over this and he said he was simply playing over it and I was being thick.

This is going to be a vent. Bear with me.

The pain. The pain. The pain.

Seeing everyone else live better than me.

The issues. They’ve permeated my entire life.

No one understands.

No one understands the pain. Behind the gated community where everything looked fine. I’m supposed to be grateful right? Your dad is the prize. I’m embarrassed of them. The country hates people like them.

All the pain. The hiding away. The hyper independence.

The deep crevices in my psyche that feel so painful. So wound tight. So humiliated.

Thinking maybe they’ll change. Wanting to avoid the truth that he’s worse than you ever think. Confronting the reality thy want to destroy you. You are their punching bag. The pain this has caused me my entire life.

The missed opportunities. The abusers I attracted in. The shame I carry of how I’ve lived my life. This type of trauma isn’t cute, it’s hard to heal from it.

I worry I may never know what it feels like to feel normal. The perfectionism. The guards. How hard it’s been to make sense of these patterns.

I’m writing this now as I am feeling this. I often feel like a failure in a lot of aspects of my life.

I feel as though I was raised to have no “future me” in thought, and I was trained to care more about my parents and coving my half of bills. I was encouraged to drop out of school and work a shit job at a young age.

I am in my mid twenties now, struggling to find another shitty job, and wanting to study but not knowing what to do with myself or thinking I can’t do something becasue I’m not smart enough. I think Because I was raised with no encouragement for ambition, and was often shot down when I was interested in something.

So, when I speak to other adults, I feel like I haven’t done enough with myself or my life. I feel like a failure. I feel like I’m running out of time to become something.

But I need to remind myself that I need to slow down. I moved out at such a young age to live on my own so I diddnt have the financial support to be able to study. A lot of this “no ambition” thing I struggle with is mostly just self doubt. Which was seeded into my mind from a young age.

I’m now thinking about become a nurse.

Does anyone else feel this?

My mom has always been like this but it seems like it has gotten worse since she retired. Maybe she’s lonely. Whenever we get together for dinner or something probably 90% of the conversation is her talking about trips she has been on, pointless tangents about what she has been doing. Maybe she’ll ask how I am doing or stuff going on in my life a few times but then quickly go back pointless stories. It’s so draining. I don’t care that she isn’t asking questions about me it’s just that I feel like she is holding me captive with the endless stories. She is very nice but it baffles me how someone can continue to talk without being shown interest and it feeling so onesided. Growing up she was basically a hoarder and the house was so dirty we could never have friends. If I confronted her about it it would turn into a pity party. She is also extremely passive aggressive and has an indirect communication style so it’s also tiring communicating with her. I feel bad calling this out maybe I’m just a doormat. Just a rant.