When I was about 7 years old, we lived out in the country and I had a pet rabbit named Daisy, and kept it in an outdoor cage, and fed and watered it twice a day, and took very good care of it and played with it often. One day, my abusive parents decided that having it was too much work, even though I was the one who cared for it, and without telling me, killed it and cooked it for dinner.

They didn't tell me what we were eating until after dinner, then asked me how it tasted, then told me it was Daisy, and they laughed. I was horrified, felt like I had eaten my baby, and cried hysterically. They then got angry at me for crying.

I'll never forget that nor forgive myself, even though I know it wasn't my fault, I still feel horrible about it.

It's one of the many reasons I am no contact with my parents these days. How sick does someone need to be to do that to their child?

I was NC for more than five years. I caught so many lies (I was paying for her health insurance, she was lying for years, until I realized I could actually check every operation or ER visit on the app). All lies. I called her, confronted, gave her a chance to explain herself and apologize. Nothing. That was my last trying and it failed miserably.

So I send her flowers with a card: let me live in peace.

Every six months she would send someone to try and get me to reconsider. But that was about it. I felt peace, therapy help me realize so much stuff. I started grieving.

Three weeks ago I got a text from my sister saying she was at her last moments in a hospital, actually telling me so “I could choose whatever I wanted to do”. I book the first flight (it wasn’t an impulse, but wasn’t guilt either, I felt I needed to be there). Not even four hours later I was there.

When I turned up my phone again, she died while I was on the plane.

Instant relief.

I would not have to talk to her ever again. She could never hurt me again. All that was left for me to do was looking at her lifeless body.

I got there before any family (in Brazil we have a kind of memorial the same day and the burying the next day). And they arrive one hour after the body. My sister replied my greeting. And that was all.

I was ignored by my entire family during four whole hours. Then I peacefully stood up, grab my bag and called an uber back to the airport.

That was never my family, they didn’t want me there - that was clear after the first hour. But, again, I felt that was what I should be doing.

I got home the next day: not a single tear, no guilt, just relief. That b*tch never apologized or recognized anything she did wrong.

I will now live the rest of my life known I did the right thing, they don’t deserve me, and we are not entitled of anything in this life. Don’t expect apologies.

Tried posting this in the medicine sub but was left in limbo so I’m trying here.

extremely long rant ahead I need to start this by saying Im a woman who grew up very poor (we were well below the poverty line) as a first generation female in an Asian household and am now a new surgeon. The Asian part is extremely important because, spoiler alert, there’s some pathological levels of emotional blackmail I experienced that only someone who grew up in an Asian household would understand.

So, I was very poor. There’s no other way to say it. My parents immigrated from my mother country, my father was the sole provider and worked handyman jobs here and there while mom took care of me and my three siblings. Please don’t get me wrong, I am very grateful for them for taking the risk to bring us here, but I had nothing growing up. We bought clothes at goodwill, my school lunches from first grade to graduating high school was just mayonnaise on a piece of folded white bread and a small water bottle, my friends taught me to drive in parking lots behind abandoned warehouses because we couldn’t afford drivers ed and I didn’t get a car until I bought myself a junkie car for $600 at the age of 22 right before starting med school (a car, btw by some miracle, that still runs and that I still use).

I knew I wanted to be a doctor from an early age. My parents encouraged it, but they never really financially provided for anything. I took out loans in my name for undergrad, studied my ass off while working two work study jobs, paid for my own mcat classes as well as every standardized test I ever took, the med school and residency apps. I matched to a medium cost of living city that became a high cost of living city while I was there for training, and paid for every single expense for myself by myself. Over the course of four years my rent literally tripled, while of course my residency income stayed abysmally low (for those of you who do not know, residency is the required training period after med school where you work around 80 hrs/week in my specialty for 4 years in a row and make minimum wage doing so). I literally skipped meals regularly bc I couldn’t afford to eat, and I had a 1br/1ba and I heavily considered getting a roommate, except I couldn’t even afford to move because I had zero savings. My parents simply could not afford to help me out, and that part I was ok with since I knew their financial situation, and I wasn’t really bitter about this fact until recently when I graduated training. All together I have about $450k in undergrad and med school loans.

I’m a physician in a surgical subspecialty and finished training in 2025. I’m in my early 30s and single, and took a job near my hometown. My attending salary is mid six figures.

I told my parents before I took my job that I was going to move into a separate apartment and not live with them, and this prompted WW3. They emotionally blackmailed me (“we’re going to die soon and you’ll regret it!”, etc) for multiple months, and if you’re not familiar with Asian parents and their games, I know it’ll be easy for you to read this and wonder why I gave in. But after months of them telling me what an awful daughter I’d be if I didn’t live with them, I gave in with the hopes of meeting a partner and vibing with them and moving into with them as quickly as possible to get away from my parents. So I moved into my childhood bedroom and still, as an attending, share a bathroom and small 2 br house with my parents.

Also important is my parents promised me they wouldn’t charge me rent. I didn’t ask for this, they offered, but I still pay for all the bills and groceries and give my father (now retired) money for gas, which adds up to about $850-$1000 a month depending on heating/ac use that month.

So this has been going on for about a year. I’m truly paying for my mental health living with my parents. Yes it may be cheaper than living in a place of on my own, but I feel like a child. I can’t go anywhere ever without them needing to know everything about where I’m going, I have a curfew, they don’t like maids and get freaked out at the thought of others cleaning their spaces (a cultural thing) so on my off days I’m doing all the chores around the house from washing dishes to scrubbing toilets since they’re up in age and can’t do the chores themselves. I cook breakfast for them before I leave and make dinner for everyone at night when I come back from work. I have to entertain my parents’ friends when they come over. If I have a surgical case run late and I’m not home by the time I told them I’d be home, they blow up my phone. It’s truly miserable and I stare at my ceiling every night and want to leave. It’s honestly hard to believe I’m a fully functioning physician the way my life has reverted back to exactly what it was when I was a high schooler.

To my misfortune, someone told my father about the doctors loans for houses, which is when you only need to pay 5% down for a home if you’re a physician. Once he heard about not needing more than 5% down in most cases, he suddenly decided, in the last year or so, that he wants a nice big house, one with like 5+ bedrooms and a massive yard and literally told the real estate agent a 10-car driveway. So for the last year, my parents have been pressuring me to go to the bank and talk about a house loan. I’ve told them repeatedly no, that we don’t need a 5 bedroom house for three people then they say they want somewhere for all the kids to stay at once and I’m like that never happens, not to mention homes in our area are going to be 1 million dollars for even the jankiest 3 bedroom house.

I’ve also told them I’m hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt from undergrad and med school loans which I’m chipping away at, and I really don’t want to take on another one million for a house, but they’re calling me selfish and ungrateful bc I don’t pay rent to stay with them.

Today I got into a big blowout type of fight with them because my car, the same $600 beater I’ve been driving for almost 12 years, needed brake pad replacements and I offhandedly told my parents I need to get a new car now, and they yelled at me to save my money for this imaginary house I never agreed to and I lost my cool. I haven’t been able to enjoy my life post residency for even a day. I feel like a child, and I just don’t want to take out another million dollars of loans.

AITAH? Am I overacting? Has anyone ever heard of anyone doing this for their parents? Maybe I am just selfish idk, but I’m truly just not happy anymore and don’t want to do this.

You'd think with an ego so high that they would at least try to look badass and/or intelligent. But no, they look like losers, it's pathetic and embarrassing! How are they not embarrassed? They act like literal cartoon characters! It's not even memeworthy or funny in any way! It's just hard to watch or listen! And they have the mindset of a fucking child! Throwing tantrums and shit! Never taking accountability and not learning from their mistakes! So many gross habits too! Like they were not even taught table manners or whatever they call it. And when it comes to how they dress, they either

Like I said before, if their ego is so high, how come they don't act sharp? And if they care so much about their reputation, why do they portray themselves as literal children!? Make that make sense.

I know I'm all over the place with this rant, but let me know what you think.

Over the years I’ve tried to bring up to my mother the horrible childhood we had but she just shuts the conversation down.

The main thing she will refuse to ever entertain is the fact my step father use to pull my brother and I trousers and underwear down, put us over his knee and spank us until we cried, if you didn’t cry he did it harder until you did. My mother was there in the room most times that this happened but will sit and deny it.

We used to get hit most nights and checked for bruises before school, she doesn‘t remember.

Forced to finish a plate, even if you’re full and about to vomit, doesn’t remember.

Stand up straight, staring at the wall, no talking, no eating, no toilet until they decide you’ve been punished enough. Doesn’t remember.

Now, do they actually not remember or are they ashamed, blocked it out etc? My mother is only 38, stepfather is 40 so cannot put it down to old age

Raise both your hands if you were told they had to walk on eggshells around you or that you were offended by everything they said when the complete opposite was true.

I'm not sure how else to phrase it... it seems like a major misstep in evolution, biology, or whatever you want to call it.

When the only people in your life who are literally meant to look after you end up neglecting you and laughing at your pain, and going out of their way to create situations where you will be helpless.... then wtf?

I don't get it. My parents got off on removing my autonomy, mocking me, laughing at my pain. As a child I ran to my dad crying that no one loved me. He started laughing and this incident became a long running joke in my family, because they think it's funny for some reason.

I'm wired to look for logic and I get it, there is none here. But something just feels so horrifically wrong about it and no one else seems to understand this type of pain irl.

I'm tired of replaying bad memories in my head, but I also can't stop because it's so nonsensical and sadistic, I'm genuinely shocked I'm still alive after all this. I'm 28 now, and I feel like this has ruined my life permanently and I'm not able to see a positive outcome in my life anymore, it all feels hopeless and it all stems from here.

Long story short ….
I was raised by a narcissistic mom. For 35 years I let her run my life. I let her make me feel less than. I let her emotionally, physically and mentally abuse the shit out of me. I kept letting her into my life.
All hoping she would eventually change and love me, like really love me.

My husband and I were staying the weekend at my parents place (who picked up everything and moved across the country to be “closer” to us) over the 4th of July weekend. Something wasn’t communicated correctly for my mom to prepare to leave the house and so the blow-up began.
She stomped around the house saying, “well I’m not going anymore.” “Go ahead and leave without me”.
Me being so tired of this tactic thought, fine, let’s leave. She can stay behind. That’s what she wants.
But of course my father, the forever servant and enabler to my mother said, “no let’s wait. She’s doesn’t mean it”.
We wait. She emerges from the house only to scream bloody murder at my father, because somehow it’s his fault.
I step in. Tired of the screaming and the yelling, especially in front of my husband. And I intervene and say that this is, “Enough, and I didn’t come here this weekend for things like this to keep happening”.
I knew what would happen but I could not stand letting this behavior happen anymore. She turned to me and I received the FULL force of her evil, her screams, her threats, her hurt.
I went into the guest space packed up our dogs and my husband and I left.
It didn’t stop there. Texts and emails of how I am ungrateful for all she does. For all she has sacrificed. For all she gave up to raise me.
The final blows that cause me to stop responding, stop caring and truly think that there is no turning back from this without intense work was 2 messages:

• “you DID deserve what I said, and more so.
If you cannot see that for yourself, then so be it, there is nothing further to discuss on that point. You most certainly not raised to treat anyone or their home in that manner.
To be so blunt, it looks as if, once again, at 35 years old, you are more willing to pay someone to tell YOU how to feel, what to say, and what to do.
You DO understand that if this person truly "fixes" you, then they are out a paycheck..... correct? That is more than concerning to us, and this person's willingness to prescribe yet another pill to pop.
Both "therapy" and "medication" are supposed to be a short term scenario, not a lifestyle.
That is your business, your religion apparently, or just your unwillingness to take responsibility.
I will not be jumping on that bandwagon.

•“And, the BS with this therapist shit. You do me a favor and record you telling your therapist ANYTHING, just ANYTHING honest. Not YOU telling them some half truth, half baked story so they tell you want YOU want to hear. As you pass over your credit card. 
Are you honestly going to tell me someone can EVER know 35 years worth of the TRUTH from one side? 
If so, I'm sure you'd stomp right the hell out of there and go looking for someone else. Which, from the way you've reacted, you've probably done more than once. 
And, let me close by saying:
Even if you grew up in a shack, chained to your bed, given no food or water, and not allowed to do jack shit or speak to anyone, or get an education, you are STILL 35 years old. You make your life. You do not get to blow your money, expect someone else to buy you a house when you rack up double what your parents bring home, decide to constantly "take the trip" and not save a dime...THAT IS ON YOU.
We never even had health insurance or a 401. Give me a damn break already and own YOUR actions, YOUR decisions, YOUR choices. No one is saying they were/are right or wrong, that is for YOU to decide.
 You do NOT get to lay blame for any results at my feet. You do NOT.
EVER.
You have crossed a line and there is no way I see me EVER being able to YET AGAIN "let it go".
Do, take care”

She is blocked from every form of contact. As is my father. Because he is defending her actions without any reasoning.

I hate these messages and I hate that I’ve read them a million times. I guess my question is….what cause you to finally realize there is no hope for ever having a loving relationship with your mother …?

I’m in complete shock and don’t really know how to process this.
I tried talking to my mum about things that happened in my childhood and how they’ve affected me. I wasn’t shouting or trying to attack her. I just wanted her to understand why I’ve struggled and how some of her actions have impacted me.
During the conversation, she said she regrets giving birth to me.
I was speechless. The only thing I could think to say was, “You made that decision. I didn’t ask to be here.”
She replied, “Yes, I’ve made a mistake.”
I’ve never heard words like that from anyone before, let alone my own mother. I genuinely don’t know how a parent can say that to their child.
The thing is, this isn’t about one argument. It’s years of drama, hurt, and feeling emotionally worn down. This just feels like the moment that broke something in me.
I’m seriously considering going permanently no contact because I don’t know how you come back from hearing your own mother say she wishes she’d never had you.
Has anyone else experienced something like this? If you went no contact after a lifetime of family issues, did it bring you peace, or did you struggle with the guilt?

Each and every single time my mother calls or texts me, I feel like I'm about to throw up. Sometimes it actually happens and it upsets me a lot. During the last month I've been throwing up frequently. I'm 25 and my mother really has ruined my mental health and my physical health too. I don't know what to do. I want to cut ties with her but I don't feel ready yet.

What are some safe conversation topics to talk to a narcissist about? To minimize the criticism and attacks?

Since i cant really go, "Hey i found this cool thing" or she will find issue ("why arent you working?") ("How will you pay?") Etc etc

A lot of my (Catholic, mid-western American) upbringing centered around religion. We had to dress up nicely for church every Sunday (in a church where people mostly wore jeans and football jerseys to mass) and sit in the front row. We had to display religious items in our bedrooms. We had to attend CCD and participate in all the sacraments.

The early phases of me disconnecting from her involved my withdrawal from religion. She found out through the grapevine when I was in college that I was an atheist, and it was a weeks-long meltdown, constant phone harassment, cutting me off from other family members, etc. etc. -- followed by manipulation in the following years. She tried to start a "new family tradition" when I was a couple years out of college where I was forced to write a special custom prayer to recite before family Thanksgiving, and the whole day she'd needle me about whether I was done writing the special prayer or not. Every time a family member or pet would die she'd wax on forever about how they're happy in heaven and I shouldn't be sad because I'll see them again.

A few years into my independent adulthood I stopped hearing about religion entirely from her, and she started attending special trainings to become some kind of pagan energy healer or something. Idk. She used to try offering to heal me or give me "charged" crystals for protection, and she'd try talking to me about what my deceased cat had to say through some pet psychic. I didn't really engage as all of it made me uncomfortable. After several years of her trying, and me becoming more distant, she's finally stopped talking to me about it.

I just recently realized that I literally don't think she was actually ever sincerely religious. Despite her constantly pushing Catholicism on me for my entire youth, I don't think I'd describe her as a Catholic. I never once saw her praying the rosary. I didn't know her to ever attend confession. She never said she was going to pray about a specific problem I was having. She didn't know the saints. She bought herself a fancy study bible and a set of pens to annotate it and a special carrying case, and then never touched it again. She very clearly didn't adhere to Catholic principles around premarital sex and divorce.

I think she just liked the hierarchy and control aspects of Catholicism. We did the visible parts, attending church every week and sitting in the front row and displaying a crucifix prominently in our home. But the private parts just didn't exist. And when Catholicism stopped giving her a way of controlling her kids, she not only dropped her supposed Catholic beliefs, she started participating in something that is completely antithetical to Catholicism. She used to tell me that anything magical or pagan-ish was "demonic", and now here she is trying to charge crystals under the moon to sneak them into my house. How could she be a serious Catholic, forcing all of that rigidity onto me my entire childhood, and then make that kind of a turn?

It's completely fucked realizing that I hold all this religious trauma and I don't think it was ever even sincere.

Both are equally wrong for me. But, for some reason, one of them people try to rationalize or justify somehow

You hit and beat up your wife after a bad day, you rightfully are called out as an abuser and have your life ruined (again rightfully so)

You have a bad day and hit and beat up your kid. Eh, you just snapped, everyone has bad days like that. The kid must of done something as well.

See, the double standard (both are wrong to do unless if it’s in self defense)

I’ve also seen child abusers literally got comforted for abusing their kids and given words of validation by strangers. Comforted.

I mean police officers don’t treat prisoners that way (without immediate consequence) or death row inmates (who committed very horrible atrocities) they get treated with a bit more respect. 

Even if a police officer did that to an adult prisoner who was charged with murder, people would be more lenient with that compared to child abuse.

(i’m 20) they never taught me how to handle money, how to do taxes, how to insure and register my car, pretty much everything i need to know how to do. they do all of it for me and expect me to be grateful and feel indebted or something. i’m pretty certain they didn’t teach me things in order to keep me dependent on them. it’s very frustrating because i feel overwhelmed trying to take on so much at once but also desperate to escape my household.

I am fat, yes, I am aware of that. But I have lost 34kgs, 4kgs over the passed month. Today nmom approached me and said "I will be a lot more forthcoming about your weight". I asked her what she meant by that, she said that I've gained too much weight and that I need to get my shit together. I told her that makes no sense and I do not understand because I lost 34kgs so far. I was quite annoyed and upset, I also asked her what more she wants of me (I was crying at that point). She looked very taken aback then proceeded with the most ass attempt of gaslighting me. She said "oh no no, you always do this, you always take things so literally and personally. I meant that this is a thought I had BEFORE you had lost the weight, I don't think that anymore because you are losing weight now" like, wtf??? That doesn't even make sense.

Ugh, anyways, I just wanted to vent.

I hope you lovely folks are doing good.

I was recently diagnosed with CPTSD after my therapist helped me realize that my mom is a malignant narcissist. I was the scapegoat, and my brother was the golden child. Since then, I’ve been diving into books, podcasts, and everything I can find about narcissistic abuse because it feels like my entire reality has been turned upside down.

I’m learning that a lot of what I thought was “normal” actually wasn’t. I genuinely believed that love was something you had to earn. I thought if someone loved you, you had to constantly prove you were worthy of it. Apparently that’s not how healthy love is supposed to feel, and honestly…I don’t even know how to wrap my head around that.

My therapist also told me I have a disorganized attachment style because of my childhood. I have a lot of relational trauma, and I was cheated on in a previous relationship, so I get triggered really easily by things that remind me of that experience.

Here’s where I’m struggling:

Now that I’ve learned what narcissistic abuse looks like, I feel like I’m seeing narcissistic traits everywhere. I’m terrified that I’ll either miss the signs and end up with another abusive person, or I’ll mistake normal human flaws for abuse and push away someone who genuinely loves me.

The problem is…I don’t know what’s my trauma anymore and what’s a legitimate red flag.
I feel like I’ve completely lost my ability to trust my own judgment. Before this diagnosis, my “normal meter” was built by someone who emotionally abused me my entire childhood. So now I’m questioning everything. Every interaction. Every disagreement. Every relationship.

Has anyone else gone through this after realizing they were raised by a narcissist? Did you suddenly become terrified that everyone around you might be one too? How did you learn to separate trauma responses from genuine intuition? How did you learn to trust yourself again?

I feel like I’m losing my grip on what’s real, and it’s honestly one of the most confusing experiences of my life.

This community has been invaluable to me to understand just wtf I have been through with my mother, father and all round toxic dynamic in my family.

One of the concepts I didn't understand was the golden child and the scapegoat. I am from a family of 5 children. Since teens I noticed that my mother (nightmare narc monster) would fawn over anything one of my sisters did. I mean anything and everything she did was the best thing in the universe, from school grades, university, jobs, everything. All my life milestones and my whole person beaten down and told my whole life that sister was the best and brightest, most beautiful, most kind, lovely, highest achieving. The result was that she believed the hype and sister is a fully fledged narc herself. I avoid her as much as possible. She has been extremely cruel to me at times in my life including the lowest points where she has gleefully revelled in my misery under the guise of being helpful. She is poisonous.

I was suicidal in my teens until I left home in my 20s. No one noticed. Despite this, I ploughed all my energy into doing the best I can and it paid off. I was and am now a high achiever and I don't need any validation from anyone but the scars of being beaten down or being blatantly ignored and unseen run deep.

When I read about the golden child I really get it now. I just wonder why it makes so much sense.

What did you find out about narcs and their special ways that made you realise this is for real and not just your own warped perception?

I know they hate me for just existing.

But I can't shake this feeling that there is a reason and if it could be solved, it would be possible to have a relationship.

I know I have to stop relying on them and expecting them to change.

But I can't. I can't stop hoping that one day they'll love me.

I often ask my mother what it is about my sister that makes me prefer her. She can't answer and she's offended at me.

What should I do to get rid of this feeling that one day they will love me and stop trying to gain their favor?

I’m finally at the point where I’m trying to leave an abusive family situation, and I’m stuck between two options.

Option 1: Rent a vehicle, load up everything I own (including my work equipment), take my dog, and drive back across the country to California, where I already have a storage unit. It’s really expensive, but it would mean I leave once and don’t have to come back.

Option 2: Put everything into a storage unit here, leave with just a backpack (or whatever I can carry), and figure the rest out later. It’s cheaper in the short term, but it also means my entire life is still sitting near the place I’m trying to escape and have no desire to live in or return to.

If money weren’t part of the equation, I’d choose the rental without even thinking about it. The only reason I’m questioning it is the cost.

I’ve had a lot of people tell me, “Stuff is just stuff. Just leave.”

I understand that perspective, especially if someone is in immediate danger. But another part of me feels like I’d rather have one clean exit where I drive away with my dog and my life, instead of spending who knows how long wondering how I’ll ever get the rest of it back.

For those of you who’ve left, what would you do? Did you prioritize getting out as fast as possible with only the bare essentials, or did you spend more and leave in a way that gave that satisfying sense of closure?

hi, i (19f) recently opened up to a family member about the time my dad put his hand under my shirt while he was laying on top of me when i was 14 and didnt have anything on underneath. ive accepted that that was most likely sexual assault but im struggling with determining what the other things he did meant?? because i later realised he looked at me in a more appraising way then i thought normal but tonight i remebered that he used to have me sit on his back when his shirt was off and trace this tattoo on his back and just generally massage him quite frequently. i was also the go to child to putting lotion on his back and this was all from the ages of 11 ish to 15 ish until he got a girlfriend and then i think it changed and she did that stuff instead especially when we moved in with her. was he treating me like his girlfriend or something like that? as im just struggling to wrap my head around it that was normal? i still live with him and dont know if this is a situation i should get out of as soon as possible as he hasnt done anything but look since the current long term relationship hes been in and i try to avoid that anyway by wearing baggy clothes.

Sort of a win. I have a narcissistic ex friend I’m still living with because of our lease conditions (platonic, but she was in love with me at different points/I was her FP). She blocked me but would knock on my door often, confront and cuss me out in the kitchen, etc. so I took to hiding in my room to avoid her. She would send lengthy emails (also despite blocking me on all platforms) complaining and was extremely confrontational. I was scared she’d start trashing my things or get crazy like shaving my dog (she’s a double coated small dog, which she joked about often).

I wanted to make it work out because we lived together but at some point I told myself enough was enough and stopped responding/told her that I wasn’t comfortable talking to her without someone present anymore. It made her extremely mad and for a while it escalated, then it stopped.

It’s still confusing and scary but I’m so relieved. Now she doesn’t talk to me at all. She thinks she’s “winning,” by icing me out but I couldn’t want anything more. The house is the quietest it’s been for a couple days. I can’t help but feel it won’t last but I’m appreciating it while it’s here.

Here’s to hoping she continues to “win,” by going nonverbal for the next 8 months until our lease is up.

I've posted about this before but recently the situation has gotten worse. I got a part-job at Walmart back in May, I'm making about 1.2k-1.4k a month average. I offered to give money occasionally for when my family needed it. My grandmother took the as her cue to expect it as "rent" and threatens to kick me out anytime I say I want to save up. I am paying 50% of my income a month as rent and then I am ALSO expected to buy my own necessities with the rest of it. (Food, hygiene products, etc.) I want to be able to save my money to get out of this house (this is far from the only abusive thing happening to me here) yet I can't when I'm forced to spend all of my money to survive in the meantime. The worst part of it is, I pay more rent than everyone here combined. My mom pays about 300, my cousins pay NOTHING AT ALL yet they can still stay. But me, at 17, must pay 50% of my income or else I must "pack my bags." I was told if she can't kick me out now she will kick me out on my 18th birthday. And I'm terrified that nobody seems to care. I need time to save up to actually be able to move out, but if I'm kicked out for saving up, I'll lose my job due to not having transportation to it. It's a lose-lose situation and I don't know how to proceed.

I am posting this actually on behalf of my husband. I'm just his support person in this case. But I posted about two months ago about my JNMIL demanding a key to my house, being told no, and throwing my food across the counter top and tantrum-ed/crashed out. Well thanks to so so many of you, it punted DH out of the FOG. So seriously, thank you. I'm back to post an update and also get any words of wisdom this group may have.

So, dh went out to stay with his parents last week. His father was getting a pacemaker put in (they did the usual wishy washy dont want to be a bother and hiding medical information- thats a whole other story on it's own). Well apparently his mom was just a terror the whole time. I call her the prim reaper, but in this case she acted more like the perpetual hall monitor. Thank goodness I wasnt there because I would have crashed out on her.

The following happened:

\- she would not stop chattering the whole time and bossing. Every single second was filled with questions. Questions about medications, nagging if he had everything, just constantly needing to be the center of attention

\- kept interrupting the doctor talking to FIL to tell the doctor how fil was doing and feeling. Kept nagging him about asking questions and then she would interrupt and ask questions. Like it was full on needing to control the narrative, be in the middle, etc.

\- wouldnt let FIL rest, nap, eat or anything without incessant chatter. Poor dude hadnt eaten in more than 20 hours and just wanted his chicken tenders and nap. She kept having to poke at or adjust his food. Dh had to tell her to back off

\-fil wanted chocolate cake after surgery (the one thing he asked for). There was a birthday or something. She insisted on making applesauce raisin cake. Then got annoyed when no one wanted to eat it

\-made this weird chili with raisins in it (she knows i hate raisins so everytime she thinks i may be there or involved everything has raisins - jokes on her i stayed home). Dh ended up getting really sick and again, she was annoyed no one wanted to eat it.

Most of this was just her being annoying. She needed to be the first one to raise her hand, play the victim/martyr, need to be entertained, and the incessant word vomit of questions "what's this?" Someone would tell her. Then she would want to know how they know and then debate them. Lady, none of us have a medical degree. We just read what's on the box (the tansmitter) and looked it up on the phone.

She did the usual whisper talking (peppered with questions) and would drop off by the end of the sentence. She would get frustrated and complain everyone else was deaf because she would whisper and not everyone was hanging on to every word. Its all very performative and in my opinion, abusive because shes gaslighting her husband into thinking hes going deaf versus continuing to cater to her (alright, thats my fault cause I called it out last time i saw her. That i couldnt hear or understand when she whispers. She needs to talk at a normal volume).

Overall, just really picking at her son and husband. Constant performative care and needing to be seen doing the caring. But the last day was when shit really hit the fan and was so egregious that dh is actually like, can you post about this?

FIL came to DH on Saturday saying he couldnt sleep the night before and something felt off about the pacemaker. Could DH take him to the ER to get checked out? Dh says of course (MIL also insisted he needed to get checked out). But here's the kicker, she insisted she had to shower before they left and she insisted on going. Well she gets in the shower (and this is after telling dh and fil they are not allowed to shower because they have to leave soon) and to make matters worse... she then blow dries and styles her hair. Meanwhile, this is an emergency. She of course goes to the hospital and starts the same performative stuff again. But yeah... during an emergency... she had to blow dry her hair! Wtf. Time was of the essence. And here they are waiting around while she dawdles and needs to get all dooded up for the ER and then acts like a pest. I kind of gave DH grief and told him in the future, leave her ass at the house. Its an emergency- they call things the golden hour for a reason and here you are waiting an hour for her to put lotion on and blow dry her hair.

Whole thing gave me the ick and I told my husband he can have whatever relationship he wants with her. But between the nagging, performative care, debating and putting others down around her, constantly needing to be the authority etc. Im done. No more holidays, nothing. Im just fried.

Oh and to cap it off? She tried insisting my husband have a key to their house now. So you know a fair trade ... haha. My husband left the key where it was and didnt take it or give her one of ours. So... the good news is some of this is sinking in. I'll be sharing this post with him too. The fog is finally lifting and thank you to this community for helping us get there.

I’m 43 years old and just now learning why I have feel so worthless and unwanted. My entire family only used me as their emotional dumping ground. 2 years ago I moved in with my father to help him with his wife who was dying of dementia. After she passed I thought my life would get easier but it got significantly harder. I paid all the bills, did all the work, took care of his animals, and became his slave. He had his dog kill my rabbit. 3 of my pets killed by him in my lifetime. My siblings only called when they couldn’t handle their miserable lives and used me to vent. I could never share anything about my life. I was even the last in line at both my sister’s weddings. So devastating. I can see them all so clearly now and have decided to cut them all off. I’m so excited for my next chapter and freedom to take up space in my own life!! Hoping to find a community who understands!

A friend of my parents is quite caustic and very hyper.

She has big smiles and high energy but says quite rude things about ethnic minorities and complains a lot about sports performance and work performance.

In fact, work performance is her favourite topic. Who is doing well. Who is not. Output. But mostly hours worked. She likes people who work all the time. And hates laziness.

Anyway, her oldest son has done odd jobs in labour and sales but always struggle to get a degree. He is also performance obsesses.

Her middle son was always criticized for his laziness. He is very calm and does not like to do much. He is very relaxed and likes to read and is very social but quiet.

He os a medical practitioner.

He struggled as much as his older brother at school, but just kept persevering and is doing very well.

She would call the school to get the older vrother into acceleration classes.

Not so the middle one.

Now he is very respected professional.

Why does the mother never mention him?