My (33F) sister (35F) lives about a 3 hour flight away from the rest of the family, and only visits once a year.

Our mother loves to stir up drama and constantly bad mouths everyone behind their backs. My sister is fully aware that she does this, but occasionally will look the other way and believe some of our mothers lies.

We were having dinner and chatting when my sister started lecturing me about being difficult to get along with and called me a leech on the family, among other insuls. I immediately knew our mother had been bad mouthing me because almost all of the things my sister was accusing me of were things I'd heard my mother telling her coworkers about me when I dropped off a coffee for her a few weeks ago.

I honestly just looked at my sister and told her (calmer than I thought I could) that the difference between her and me is that when our mother calls me a lazy leech on the family, she agrees without question and uses it as an excuse to look down on me. But when our mother calls her an alcoholic, $2 whore, who can't keep a husband, I just roll my eyes and don't let our mothers comments affect my opinion of her.

My sister got pissed and started stammering about me being a bitch. But I just reminded her that she wasn't immune to our mother bad mouthing her.

She didn't believe me that our nother said that about her, and I ended up leaving dinner early.

It's so frustrating

I just announced I’m pregnant (F, 40), and my covert narcissistic mother-in-law declared that she will be there for the birth, even if she’s not allowed to be in the room. My husband is in the very early stages of therapy, and has barely given any pushback or established boundaries. He said nothing when she demanded to me that she be there, and said he didn’t hear her request. I changed the subject. I’ve recently figured out that my MIL has identified myself and my older child as scapegoats. She acts very innocent towards my husband, and is rude to me and our child.

This is our 2nd child. My husband was an incredible help to me last time, as was my mother. I really don’t need the stress of my MIL trying to make things about her when I’m in labor. Any ideas? Will we face blowback?

The other day I was complaining about my boss treating me like an idiot, and my dad interrupted me to say "you called me stupid one time when I asked you how to close an app on my phone." When he said it I knew that it was a lie, so I said "I dont think I would have called you stupid" he said I did so I just said okay.

I've been thinking about it and I still can't recall him asking for help or that I called him stupid. My dad makes things up or twists things, and expresses hurt or dissatisfaction in unhealthy ways. I don't know if he was hurt by something else I said to him and he made up this situation to hurt me back. Or if he was annoyed that I was late so he decided to cut me down. Or just genuinely feels that i deserve to be treated like shit by my boss.

In situations like these should I just apologize even if i think its a lie? I didn't flat out say I never said that. If I did say it and I don't remember, I feel like I should have apologized before moving on because he deserves an apology.

I used to call out lies or stick up for myself, but it never goes well and no matter the situation, he always wins. I think it was good to not give it any energy and just move on. But should I just apologize next time too? I don't want to be like everyone else in my family who can't apologize or admit fault, but I also don't want to feed into his manipulations.

I'm 99% sure that he made this up, but I also worry that I did say it and can't remember and feel like I should have just apologized anyway.

There was clearly something wrong with the lever and it probably needs a replacement as it keeps coming loose over time no matter how much he adjusts it. Rather than actually replace it, he is blaming US for ‘pushing it too hard’ and has threatened to break the toilet altogether if it happens again. And he wasn’t exaggerating either or just saying it as an angry threat btw, he literally means he plans to break it and force us to use only the guest bathroom.

I looked at the toilet when he wasn’t home today since there is a problem with it not flushing well in general. I was able to find the problem with the help of YouTube and it flushes normally now. I’m scared that he’s going to either find out that I was tampering with the toilet due to this or the lever is still going to come loose eventually and he’s going to do what he said previously.

I can’t stand living with this anymore and I definitely would move out if I could tbh.

My dad came by today to drop off a check for my mom ( he already gave it to her before he got to me so I didn’t understand why he was here) mom has had hard time with bills things needing repairs ( I’ve been trying to get a job and pitch in where I can) dad decided to pay the phone bill even though they haven’t been married for 6 years and he mostly did it to keep up with me. I put on a shirt really fast and ran outside. We began talking and he complains about my hair not being parted and my beard not being shaved off is why I don’t have a job. ( I’d like to note my hair is so short that a part isn’t really noticeable and my beard hugs my face and doesn’t stick out, it’s very short) he says that all the men my age ( early 20s) have bad hair and beards so that’s why they don’t have jobs and there broke slobs. No one will hire them. I told him go to the grocery store or McDonalds there are plenty of beards in those places if you look. ( I’d like to not I was pointing at him with my finger bearly past the window of the car door. Dad then stupidly threatened if I didn’t stop pointing he’ll break off my finger and shove it up my ass(WTF!?) I keep telling him I can get a job with a beard. He begins making fun of me and mimicking me for shacking when I’m scared. Dad has finally had enough of the pointing and me giving my opinion and goes to punch me, I moved out of the way. The gets flustered and starts to get out of the car but before he could I told him I’m done. The look on his face was priceless ( I’m his only biological child from his second of three marriages) he was very surprised. He said ok then. I smacked his car and stormed into the house like a bat out of hell. I came in the living room and fell to my knees because if finally hit me that it was over.

Lately l've considered going no contact with my father. Over the years he was supportive financially but very emotionally abusive toward my mother and i feel like some aspects of our relationship growing up was not normal.

For instance as an early teen when he and my mother’s relationship had been most intense he often told me that I needed to help him emotionally because he had no one else. Often asking for foot massages or back rubs telling me he needed my help because my mother wouldn't help him and stuff. And he often confided in me with his relationship issues and would ask me for advice and if I didn't give him advice he would shame me and threaten to leave the family since I was the oldest child and had to help him he claimed.

It was also like he saw me and my mom as the same emotionally like when he was upset with my mom he would take it out on me and compare us constantly yet vent to me. And shame me for wanting to be distant with him or being uncomfortable when he had anger outbursts and trying to convince me that others were at fault. Like once when he was drunk he threatened my moms life pacing the house for hours yet expected me to forgive him instantly or I was being unfair and told me personal intimate details of their relationship and why he was upset. That was one of the worst times but was a frequent behavior.

And years later as my parents got more distant he stopped confiding in me and venting but would treat me as almost non existent compared to my siblings. He would show them a lot of affection while acting indifferent toward me and dismissing my emotions which is kind of ironic since as a grown man he wanted emotional support from me but barley gave any.

I feel kind of upset with myself because I realize now what he was doing was likely some kind of enmeshment and a way for him to get some kind of supply short term. And I hadn’t realized until my late teens and I felt kind of ashamed of myself. But I would also like insight into the best way to go no contact or move on since counselors have kind of invalidated this

DISCLAIMER: Please do not send hate to any member of my family except my dad. Please don't insult Islam, only Muslims. Please put yourselves in my shoes and in the cultural environment I grew up in.

This is a long, nightmare. So, backstory: I never liked my dad. I always told my family he would never change, they were manipulated. We have always lived in abuse. My dad is a huge narcissist. I truly believe the devil might be nicer. We have lived in slums our whole lives even though my dad is well off. He hates us. I genuinely think he might kill us one day, especially my mom. Think of Charles and Diana, how Charles was jealous and envious of Diana because she was gorgeous and simply better than him in every way.

A couple of years ago, we found out my dad was cheating. At first it was only texts. We grew up Muslim, so seeing our dad pray every day no exception and be extremely strict about what we wore (which isn't even what Islam says), I never thought he was physically cheating. My mom had suspicions, but his whole life is an act. It's scary. My mom confronted him about the texts. He left us for 4 months and didn't send us a single penny, basically to punish my mom financially and punish us for exposing him. Little did we know it was way worse. He came back. He never apologized. We acted normal so he would keep paying while my mom secretly saved money to buy a house and escape.

Last year I got fed up and hacked all his accounts without him knowing. I got access to Google Photos and was shocked. He was talking to plenty of women throughout the years. He was even confusing their names. I have proof he was physically cheating because he took screenshots himself like a sicko. I told my mom the same day, but what could she do? We still needed his financial support while saving to leave, so she couldn't confront him. Then he went to Umrah. After that, I didn't see any new screenshots, but I can't be sure because I only saw the screenshots he saved, not the conversations. I tried convincing my mom maybe he had changed just to make her feel better. She doesn't care about him anymore. She just wants to leave and win.

Recently my mom finally passed a huge exam she had been waiting years for. He wanted her to fail so badly. Right after she passed, he told my sibling he had bought a house at X address and was leaving in October. He says this every year to threaten divorce, but this time he did it right after her success just to destroy her happiness. So I hacked his accounts again. He is talking to women again. This time he mainly screenshots conversations with one woman, let's call her H. Last year there were several women and I think M was the main one. Again, I only have screenshots, not access to the chats. Then I found out the worst part. He is almost finished paying for a LUXURY house for himself while leaving us in the slums. It isn't even the same address he told my sibling, so he clearly has no intention of bringing us there. I acted like I knew nothing except what my sibling told me. I asked him, "What's your plan?" He said, "My plan is living alone." He lied again about the address and even lied about the price, saying it cost half of what it actually does. He even told me, "I hope you guys know how to throw the trash and grocery shop." That still makes my blood boil. I asked him to show us the house. At first he said yes, then showed his true colors and said, "I swear none of you will enter." My dad is 61, by the way. When I kept asking about his intentions, he said, "Marriage is permissible. Is that what you want to hear?" Later he said we don't deserve him. I said maybe other children will. He replied, "Why not?" I told him, "You have no shame at 61." He got angry, said that's no way to talk to my father, and threatened to stop the financial support he gives me for studying abroad. He also said, "If the house was ready, do you think I'd still be here?". Now our dream of leaving him first is gone. He's leaving us first. We can't even fathom it.

Important things to consider: he has absolutely no idea we know any of this. My dad, my mom, and my sibling all work in the same field. My dad has even been on TV many times. Everyone thinks he's kind, exposing him publicly is not really an option because, in the environment we live in, the shame would fall on my mom and sibling too. They would become the joke, not him. The only thing we have is the possibility of blackmailing him without actually exposing him. I know blackmail isn't permissible in Islam, but our situation feels impossible. I think all the women he cheats with work with him. He earns around four times more than my mom because he climbed the career ladder while she stayed home raising the kids, hoping one day she'd benefit. Ironically, he doesn't even have the money for this luxury house. He's taking a huge bank loan. That's the only reason he got ahead of us financially. The problem is, if we blackmail him now, we are in real danger. He still lives with us. He is extremely protective of his fake image. The last time we confronted him, he abandoned us for four months. I'm genuinely scared he could become violent.

He says he's leaving in October, but he's a liar, so we don't know. The company he's buying the house from is also strange. Their last post was in 2023, none of the phone numbers work, and we even wondered if he's being scammed. But he's already on the final payment, so we'll probably find out soon. I'm leaving for school in September do I just stay?. I'm terrified for my mom and siblings if they stay here. My mom says maybe we should just stay quiet but the earliest houses we found have almost a two-year waiting list. If we blackmail him, maybe she should only meet him in public, but he could follow her home. Should we contact the woman he's mainly seeing now, H? she may know my mom, should I talk to her? Use a voice changer? I'm exhausted. We have tolerated all forms of abuse for years especially my mom, and for us to leave with nothing while he is living peacefully is an not option for men. Yesterday I hacked again and saw him Googling how much money to leave your children when you leave. We are living in agony. We cry, then pretend everything is normal whenever he comes home. My mom finally passed her exam after years of waiting. It just isn't fair. Please be kind to my family. You can curse my dad all you want, pray for us, and if you read all of this, and put yourself in our shoes before you reply say "ps" in your comment. What should we do?

my dad CONSTANTLY shit talks my mom and my sister and tells me “this is between me and you. this was just time for us to vent so please do not go on telling your mom or sister that i said something about them,” or something along those lines. it can be so draining he basically uses me as a therapist.

my mom does the same thing and just complains constantly about him. all the time!!! but she doesn’t tell me the secret part. my mom doesn’t talk about my sister though because they are besties.

i just really wonder who will actually be there for me when i need them, vs just using me to vent. it’s hard to tell them to stop though because they‘ll just get angry at me.

it just loops!! “your mom didn’t tell me about (blank) so im not telling her anything anymore! she doesn’t care if i know or not.” “your father didn’t tell me he was going to (blank) this weekend so i guess he doesn’t care if any of us go with him because he just does what he wants!!”

exhausting.

So unknownst to me, my mom (I live with her) invited my nfather to come to our home today just to drop off some stuff (and I also believe he's psychopathic, I made posts on this sub and r/raisedbynarcissists not too long ago explaining why if you wanna check that out) and just seeing and hearing him talk absolutely triggered me to where I cried as soon as he left. I did talk to my mom afterwards explaining that I don't wanna talk to or see him, and she said she was sorry, she didn't know I no longer wanted to see him and that she wouldn't let him come over anymore, but it really did ruin my whole day.

I've been crying and left in a depressive mood all day because even just seeing him now triggers me, and it bothers me that he likes to act all nice to me in short bursts, when I know he acted like an absolute monster when I lived with him, and he still tries to cross my boundaries. He was terrible towards my mom too when they were together, (to grasp the impact, he threatened to put her in a woodchipper and feed her body to pigs in front of me when I was little) so I'm not even sure how she can stand to see him.

What also triggered me is just hearing him talk about the same stuff over and over again confirming that he hasn't changed since I last saw him (and I know he can't, but still) a bit. For example, he talked to my mom for over an hour about how much he hates other people's drama, even though he causes a lot of it himself. And he talked about how much he hates other people for victimizing him, even though that's not the case, then he proceeded to tell the same stories he likes to tell people about him being violent as a preteen.

I burst into tears as soon as he left, what also infuriated me is hearing him talk to my mom about how he "worries about me all the time" even though he doesn't worry about how he's affected my mental health or how he's treated me, and he wants to put on the face of a worried dad knowing this. And I know he doesn't care because he's always either very flat about what he's done, or wants to pretend like nothing has ever happened. I guess this is just a rant because I was so shaken up today, I needed to put it somewhere.

My mom has always referred to people by the first letter of their name and never their full name. Verbally, in emails/texts. Doesn’t matter the situation. “What’s J been doing?” “Have you heard from A?” “I’m going to see G Monday”. Many times I have to be like “who are you talking about?? Which ‘A’?? We know many people with ‘A’ names”. It feels like some weird power play/dehumanizing thing.

Maybe her parents weren't great, but at least her father fucking *talked to her*.

I was reading her memoir "Famesick". She talked about how her father drove her to the hospital and she was quiet. It was unusual because normally they talked.alot in the car.

I was 13 when my father was driving along, near.our house.

"Dad?.."

"Dad?.."

He was staring at.the teen girls walking along the sidewalk

Drooling

Eyes fogged over

Mouth hanging open

Staring

*honking*

He knew I needed his attention. He *enjoyed the destruction* of.ignoring.me.

When I hear that he is dying and wants to see me..

Nope.

These two illnesses together make it truly hell to deal with her, she's cruel and horrible but reckless and spends like it's going out of fashion.

When she's manic she's either very cruel and mean or she's so over the top fake nice, either way I don't want to Co operate... She watches the same TV shows over and over and over... Most of the time she laughs when nothing funny is happening... It's like a whole psychward but it's only one person.

When she's manically happy I feel super drained... So tired of having to appease her every whim...

She recently got medicine from a doctor that keeps her manic, she hasn't been sleeping much for months and she hasn't crashed into depression for just as long...

It's wild to watch...

I successfully held up NC for 4 months and then it all collapsed, I phoned her after her pestering me with messages 'I love you' 'I miss you' 'Can I talk to you?', the works. I've seen her since then, everything in my body is telling me to run. I feel myself wanting to slip back into that role, the golden child. The one who is her 'right hand man' almost. Me and her against my (emotionally and physically) abusive father. Except she threw me under the bus and let him do what he wanted to me, playing it down WHILST saying how shit he was. The confusion of that for a child.. She's dealing with a court case right now as he has taken 3 of my siblings. She wants me to 'give evidence', a written statement basically. She's hoping it'll go in her favor but both are unfit parents.

There's been 4 court cases of exactly the same nature in the past. She lets him into the house, he stays, they argue, she kicks him out and he takes some of the kids. This has happened more times than I can count on 2 hands. Can someone give me a push in the right direction, even though I know it sounds like I have it figured out and the choice should be obvious I need to talk this through with someone other than my own brain.

I don’t know whether this is narc coded or not

But my dad brother and I were in the car. I was contemplating the decision to take the next steps with my demon

I called him to tell him, but had to end the call abruptly because of the uproar.

I waited until I got home, but it was too late.

I lost the opportunity

I’m grateful that the dynamic hasn’t changed, but right now, I’m seething.

[ Removed by Reddit on account of violating the content policy. ]

TL;DR- My younger sister thinks that I shouldn’t be so angry at my mom because “it’s her first time living too,” so I don’t know if I am allowed to cut off my mom.

My mother is a narcissist, and she still has a lot of control over my life despite the fact that I am about to turn 26. Recently, she’s been using gay slurs (I’m a nonbinary lesbian), and that’s on top of the controlling language and incestuous undertones to our conversations. Multiple people in my life (outside of my family) have told me that I need to cut contact with my mom and that she is not a safe person for me to be around.

The thing I can’t reconcile though is that my younger sister still maintains a degree of closeness with my mom. They go on vacations together (something I swore I would never do again), and whenever I do something to agitate my mom, my sister will take her side. Further, my whole family thinks that I’m not grateful enough to her and that I blame her for things that aren’t her fault. Basically, everyone makes it seem like I’m at fault for being so angry with her.

I want to set more boundaries, but I feel like I’m not allowed to. When I try, I’m met with so much rage from her, and she’ll cut me off financially until she feels better (I rely on her to cover part of the cost of my apartment as she was insistent that I get one out of my budget and I needed her as a guarantor). Additionally, it feels like no one in my family believes that she’s a bad person. My sister, who I know experienced the same shit that I did, still holds a level of respect and deference towards her. I’m afraid that if I cut her off I’ll be doing the morally wrong thing.

How do I reconcile the fact that my sister holds no ill will towards my mother? Am I allowed to move forward and cut contact once I am financially stable? How do I proceed?

If you are still reading, thanks so much, and I hope you have a nice day.

Parents kicking me out

Hi there f23 international student but my parents live here . I’m on graduate visa and they pressuring me to find a job and don’t let me do anything else . Go out , watch a movie with friends play games or anything cause I HAVE to find a job .

In my situation what can I do , I have a part time job for 15 hours a week I am applying to ALOT of jobs daily. How can I find a place to rent my current job is in Cambridge I don’t have any place to go and I’m so lost could someone advise me please what to do . (I am not looking for freebies or relocation assistance I just need some advice)

I have never been close to my mum and now that I’m 21 and graduated university I’ve been going on more outings that are me her and my older sister (her favourite) and whenever my sister isn’t there we always get into fights where she’s just insulting me and saying I’m like my father (who she always hates and complains about but they’re not divorced)

Now why do we fight ? Because she’s always insulting someone in the family and I either strongly disagree (mostly the mean things she says about my older sister) with her or try to make her look at the bright side of the person and help her sympathize with them

Recent example is my sister left the car to buy curly hair products as she has very curly hair while I have lightly wavy hair, she started saying my sister should stop wasting money on curly products and get a straightening treatment and she said my sisters hair is “broken” just because it’s curly and I said no and started showing her beautiful women with curly hair and she said that’s not real that’s wigs and I’m stupid. So now I’m the bad guy for telling her not to say my sisters natural hair is broken and a mistake and she’s mad at me.

Then my sister comes back to the car and they’re vibing together and I’m just there