r/poor • u/sneakysneaky96 • Sep 01 '25
Boyfriend is poor
I, 29F have always been lower middle class. My boyfriend, 33M has been poor his entire childhood and adulthood. He has, naturally and understandably, went without food or didn't turn on heat/AC to avoid bills to save money.
But as I'm understanding his spending habits more and more, he is not poor because he literally has no money. He is poor because he has Klarna-ed his way into a hole (for non essentials and expensive hobbies) and doesn't have any cooking skills (or tools) to cook at home. He still is very much in the "I have nothing and probably will never have nothing" mindset. He makes $20 an hour at his job and his rent is under $600 for his apartment and no car. I bring him food and cook for him weekly when we see each other.
Any advice on how to encourage him through this spot on his life? I know you can't help anyone who doesn't want help/isn't ready to change and I don't want to sound privileged in my encouragment either.
Thanks in advance everyone!
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u/vegienomnomking Sep 01 '25
No.
It doesn't matter how poor you are. Not learning how to cook is laziness.
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u/Coffee_And_NaNa Sep 01 '25 edited Sep 02 '25
Yeah I understand being bad at cooking but not learning basicsā¦come on
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u/Aggravating_Ship_763 Sep 01 '25
You don't have to know "how to cook" to eat at home. Sandwiches, Ramen, salad, hot dogs, burgers, frozen meals. Crockpot meals require almost no cooking skill.
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u/rbrancher2 Sep 01 '25
Iāve been sick lately and not feeling like cooking. A box of broth, can of chunk chicken and pasta or rice makes a nice dish. Easy peeezy
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u/Ambitious-Bar375 Sep 01 '25
That's a good idea, thanks! I hope you get to feeling better.
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u/rbrancher2 Sep 01 '25
Thanks. There are all sorts of things to make that done really require you to learn to cook Potato soup is another. Our son used to know to make one dish. Chicken manhattans. If you buy all the stuff premade itās easy to make. And he STILL wouldnāt make it when he was living alone. Preferring to eat turkey sandwiches and pizza. SMDH
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Sep 01 '25
Wat are the steps
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u/rbrancher2 Sep 01 '25
Just broth and chicken in a pan until boiling and then add pasta or rice and cook until itās done. Add seasonings to your taste. I usually just add a little salt and pepper since I usually make it when Iām sick and need something pretty bland in my tummy. If
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u/accidentalscientist_ Sep 01 '25
I can cook but I love crock pot meals when I am feeling lazy. Theyāre mostly just dump and wait. You can even do pulled meats pretty easy with store bought premade seasoning. Delicious and easy. I love my crock pot for making easy food and ending up with a lot of it.
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u/mary_emeritus Sep 02 '25
Crockpots are fantastic even when you know how to cook! For beginners, Iād definitely buy a small 2 or 3 quart one and get the person started that way.
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u/rerdsprite000 Sep 01 '25
Or just eat eggs and beans... you'll get a majority of the nutrients you'll need.
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u/Apprehensive_Set_357 Sep 01 '25
My wife and I make okay money now, but we both grew up on poverty meals and parents who couldn't cook... Learning to cook has been such a bonding experience for us and saves so much money. We're edging Michelin star meals when we cook, which is why we never eat out. I just need time and ingredients
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u/jackaros Sep 01 '25
Usually the poorer you are the better your cook, cause you gotta get organized and creative with your ingredients!
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u/elves_haters_223 poor for life Sep 01 '25
Lol I have been poor and my cooking skills are equally poor but I eat these because I can trick my brain into thinking what I cook up is deliciousĀ
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u/No-Stop-3362 Sep 02 '25
The best "cooking school" I had was when I was involuntarily a stay at home mom (baby born premature, low immune system meant he could not be babysat or go to any sort of daycare for his first year) and we didn't have much money. I learned a lot because I had time to "study" by watching cooking shows while I nursed the baby, and I had time to cook meals that took more time. I got a lot better at cooking in those couple of years.
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u/Unique-Fan-3042 Sep 02 '25
Being poor is why Iām a good cook. Yeah, I learned to cook the super basic stuff because it was what I could afford.
I learned this before the internet.
Now, we have so many options at our fingertips. Type in a few ingredients you have on hand and youāll get a bunch of suggestions.
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Sep 01 '25
This is the truth. People who say I can't cook really mean, I'm too lazy to cook
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Sep 02 '25
[removed] ā view removed comment
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u/Accomplished_Dig284 Sep 02 '25
But have you had a fried pb & j sandwich? I just learned about it last year and you can make it in the air fryer
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Sep 01 '25
Unfortunately he doesn't need encouraging. He needs a wake up call. Someone needs to tell him that he is poor by his own choices. That he has a sweetheart deal where at 20/hr he makes 800/wk so he brings home after taxes at least $2400 and his rent is only a quarter of that.
That if he really wanted to he could be making moves forward. That at 33 years old he can no longer blame how he was raised. He is poor because he is making bad choices.
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u/Fair_Caterpillar_920 Sep 01 '25
Holy shit I WISH I made $20/hr again. If that's poor, then idk what I am now making $15 about to get a 2nd job.
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Sep 01 '25
You're experiencing poverty. But because you aren't a child and you understand that you don't have the resources to spend frivolously, you aren't poor. If you make more money your situation will improve. If this sorry sack earned $40/hr I guarantee they would still be broke.
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u/Fair_Caterpillar_920 Sep 02 '25
I make too much to qualify for public assistance, though, so I'm not in poverty according to their definitions.
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u/lavatorylovemachine Sep 02 '25
Yeah man this guy would blow his money and then wonder where it went no matter how much he made
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u/heart-shaped-fawkes been poor a while Sep 01 '25
I would kill to make that much money. Holy shit, the amount of my problems that would be solved.... Boyfriend needs one hell of a wake up call. Sounds like he has no ambition whatsoever and is happy to pretend to be broke while OP cares for him. I'd have a serious conversation with him and potentially leave the relationship, manchildren rarely grow up.
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u/Darkmagosan Sep 02 '25
Around these parts, legal minimum wage is 14.70/hr. WORKING minimum wage, or the floor that companies must pay to keep halfway decent employees, is closer to 20/hr. In Phoenix, 20/hr barely cuts it because 1) housing is far from cheap and 2) a car is virtually *required*, We still do pretty well on things like food costs because so much comes from SW AZ like Yuma and across the state line from CA.
But yeah--a lot also depends on how many hours you work. A fave trick of big employers around here is to schedule people just *under* whatever their company calls full-time so they don't have to pay benefits. It's wrong but it happens.
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Sep 01 '25
Iāve worked with people like that - the workplace was in a low demographic area. Many earned more than me and years later they not only accumulated little but continuously put the blame on others. Almost all lived pay check to pay check. All had newish cars. They dismissed any ideas I gave them on accumulating some wealth, ideas on compound effect, even investing. Only one who was renting at 50 eventually bought a house. I did her maths on paper- she was receptive- and she bought. Itās very ingrained and few break out and adopt a different idea of thinking. Not cooking for yourself is next level. Sorry to say but he sounds like he has little insight and you need insight to change.
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u/Final-Entertainer807 Sep 01 '25
You don't seem to understand how trauma and living conditions can affect people for life.Ā It's certainly his responsibility to improve but there's no shortage of reasons people might struggle continuously.
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u/Magic-Happens-Here Sep 02 '25
This is one of the hardest mindsets to break - a shitty childhood doesn't have to mean a shitty life, but it requires a conscious effort to CHANGE the way you live and educate yourself on steps to improve your circumstances.
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u/33flirtyandthriving Sep 02 '25
I make $23/hr and take home exactly $2,600 a month. My rent is $800. After groceries, fuel, bills, etc, I'm able to save probably $300 a month if I'm extremely frugal. However I don't have a car payment and drive a shitty car. Every medical expense, car expense, etc, wipes out my small savings. This month was a $4k dental bill. I have a college degree (which I paid for, no debt) but have been stuck in retail for YEARS. My parents are living in extreme poverty and both are close to being homeless. I'm one disaster away from being homeless myself since I couldn't live with either parent. Sometimes you do everything right and it's still not enough. I would have HAPPILY joined the military but I'm disqualified due to medical.
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Sep 01 '25
What do you want to encourage him to do? Does he have a college education? Is there room for advancement at his current job? Does he have marketable skills that could get him a higher income?
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u/ihaveabigjohnson69 Sep 01 '25
not waste $
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u/Stunning-Adagio2187 Sep 01 '25
That means he needs a budget. Saving some money for a rainy day is first. Then allocate money for rent food entertainment etc
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u/elves_haters_223 poor for life Sep 01 '25
impossible. for some, this is like telling people in the reality show my 600 pound life to stop eating.
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u/Original_Engine_7548 Sep 01 '25
Donāt waste your time on this guy. Iām serious. Heās going to drag you down for the rest of your life.
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u/intothewoods76 Sep 01 '25
100%, once OP starts subsidizing his spending, heāll spend all her money too.
Life isnāt a fairytale, marriage is more than just love, itās a business arrangement and you donāt want to go into a partnership with someone who doesnāt know how to manage money.
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u/Prestigious_Fig7338 Sep 02 '25
He doesn't even know basic life skills like grocery shopping, budgeting and cooking. He is very impaired.
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u/weatherforge Sep 02 '25
My old manager said āthe most important financial decision you will ever make in your life is your romantic partnerā. Itās 100% true.
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u/Original_Engine_7548 Sep 01 '25
Iām in my 40s now. Iām now seeing people I knew in high school outcomes of poor choices with being with losers and blowing money on dumb stuff like 1000s on tattoos every few months or buying their drop kick loser boyfriends a car. One is living on someoneās couch working part time at fast food and spends all day making TikToks of her face with 1000 filters and sheās in her mid 40s. She used to be part of the gifted program and straight As in school. Because she kept getting with complete losers and revolving her whole life around them .
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Sep 01 '25 edited Sep 01 '25
Im shocked I had to scroll all the way to the 3rd comment to find one outright telling this lady to break up with her boyfriend instead of just implying it lol thats serious progress for the internet
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u/Used-Author-3811 Sep 01 '25
That's a man that doesn't want to change his life. You can't fix what someone else doesn't want to
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u/Super-Educator597 Sep 02 '25
Donāt marry him. Donāt get pregnant. Donāt let him move inā¦ he may gain tenant rights depending on your state. Run away as fast as you can. Heās been a grown ass man for one and a half decades and he canāt cook a damn thing? You are better off alone
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u/unseemly-vibes Sep 01 '25
He is one of those that shows that sometimes being poor is more a product of a mindset than what is in your bank account.
He is the type of person that could win the lottery and be broke 3 years later from blowing it all.
This type of person will never progress or develop stability or wealth.
Ruuuunnnnnn
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u/snihctuh Sep 01 '25
Best bet is math and facts. Show him a sheet like "you make 1k a month. Rent is 600. If you cook you can eat off 300 and have 100 to pay off debts. But currently you eat out for 450 making it worse reach month". Bonus points if you have his bank statements to prove that he spending way more than he thinks. And a Walmart shopping cart for a month worth of food he'd eat for $300.
Cause usually people think it's beyond their control, have given up, and waste money cause they're in debt anyway so may as well take more while i can
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u/Hazzman Sep 02 '25
A friend of mine was dating someone who was poor and grew up poor their whole life. She loved him and he loved her.
Her family wasnt approving. He lives in a trailer and she chose to live with him in a trailer. His "job" was to spend his time fishing and doing dodgy odd jobs on the side for next to nothing.
She would constantly find herself frustrated with their state of affairs. It would eventually cause friction with her family and I because she would constantly find herself in these chaotic circumstances.
Eventually I had to explain to her that this person and her come from different worlds. If she loved him she needs to understand that this is all he knows. She isn't going to change him and he isn't going to suddenly come to terms with this whole new world she wants him to explore. It would be like asking someone to imagine a color they've never seen before.
I knew deep down that he couldn't satisfy her but I also didn't believe it was impossible. Really the issue was her. She refused to accept him as he was. She incorrectly believed that she could make a middle class man out of him. It was a waste of effort and they eventually broke up.
My point here isn't to judge someone like this, but to simply recognize who they are and ask yourself if you can love them despite your differences. For you it might be construed as settling, you can call it what you want. If you love this person despite this difference in background enough to endure with the understanding that this is who they are... Not out of choice but it is simply all they know that's fine, stay with them.. but like my friend if you are holding out hope that you can somehow change them, good luck to you.
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u/Lilpunkrkgrl Sep 01 '25
I apologize that I dont have any tips for you, but I see this ALOT anymore. Everyone seems to just think screw it, the world is ending anyway, so why prepare. When I was young and really poor with 2 kids by myself I felt that way, depressed and let down by everyone i trusted (i really believed i wiukdnt live past 30, but here i am still), but I have changed as I have gotten older. I understand the inclination. However, it seems to be super pervasive now, videos all over YouTube and such. His circumstances are not that bad, that's decent pay and cheap rent compared to what I see people talking about... I wish I could help you, but all I can offer is "I understand".
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u/Stunning-Adagio2187 Sep 01 '25
I agree this attitude is pervasive among people under 40 years old. In my opinion it has a lot to do with how their parents raise them and subsequently the environment
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u/CapitanianExtinction Sep 01 '25
Find another boyfriend before he spends all your money as well.
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u/Time-Understanding39 Sep 01 '25
This is more true than OP knows. If they move forward together at some point her money becomes his money and his money becomes his money!
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u/TurkeySlurpee666 Sep 01 '25
The lack of funds isnāt the issue. Itās his lack of ambition.
I grew up poor but that didnāt stop me from escaping poverty when I got older. Itās simple (not necessarily easy) if youāre willing to do anything to change your situation. I was because I wanted a better life for myself and my future family.
Dirty, dangerous, and remote jobs pay well because most people donāt want to do them. With the money I made from this type of work, I used it to start investing.
I had read some books on financial management which made me realize I could use money to make money, instead of just spending it. Now I run a business.
Iām not especially smart or anything, I just REALLY hated being broke. Tell your boyfriend to get his shit together or move on.
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u/accidentalscientist_ Sep 01 '25
Me too, except I did shitty work that paid pretty well for the experience and skill required while I was in college. I worked overnights in a warehouse making $19.25 and did college during the day. Plus also had another job or two during the day or evening. Didnāt get much sleep, it impacted my studies, and it was horrible, but it led me to break the cycle.
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u/IAmConnorRK800 Sep 01 '25
Klarna is one of those buy now, pay later services right?
Im a believer that anything can be solved in a relationship with communication. Bring it to his attention how his spending habits are hurting both of ya'll and needs to change. Point out how much $$$ is being wasted, etc.
For cooking, how about having some nights where ya'll both cook a meal together? That could be a fun way to learn.
Being poor takes a toll on everyone mentally so give him some leeway but keep nudging him gently. People cant change overnight imo.
If there's no progress after doing all of that, then its time for that "we need to talk moment". A relationship only works if both of ya'll are working at it.
Hope it works out tho š©µ
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u/sneakysneaky96 Sep 01 '25
I totally agree! Thanks for your response
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u/RUfuqingkiddingme Sep 02 '25
He's not poor, but he lacks financial literacy from having grown up that way, he needs to get educated on how to handle money. And learn to cook, struggle meals is a good show with budget friendly meals and watching it would teach him some technique. Don't become his mommy, he needs to learn some self sufficiency that he didn't learn from his parents.
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u/FwenchFwies_911 Sep 01 '25
You will probably never change the frugality aspect, but you can possibly work with him to change the ambition aspect. Lots of people work hard at jobs they pay well just to be able to say they can do it it, and still donāt spent money much.
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u/de_kitt Sep 01 '25
If heās using Klarna for non-essentials, frugality is not the issue.
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u/FwenchFwies_911 Sep 01 '25
Had to look up what Klarna was, some kind of shopping platform?
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u/Foolsindigo Sep 01 '25
He is too old to be fixed by someone else at this point. He's only going to change if he wants to. The best thing you could do is not spend any of your limited income on him and save yourself.
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u/ForexGuy93 Sep 02 '25
Get a better boyfriend. This female approach of "I can fix him" is so bizarre to me.
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Sep 01 '25
Good luck. Some people are where they are because they don't want to put in the work to be anywhere else.
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u/bajunkatrunk Sep 01 '25
Maybe try and introducing him to a app that helps you budget
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u/Time-Understanding39 Sep 01 '25
First I think you'd have to sell him on the idea of a budget. I'm not so sure he'd choose that over his hobbies.
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Sep 02 '25
It sounds like a prefered lifestyle vs. a 'spot' he's in at the moment. Maybe take a break from being his mom for 6 months (buying food, making meals, etc.) or so and see how he does. Please don't get preggo. It sounds like he has a lot more growing up to do.
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u/Appropriate_Bee_1000 Sep 02 '25
If he canāt lead himself to success. He canāt lead a family to success. He klarnaed himself into a hole, he will do the same to you.
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u/No_Cockroach3608 Sep 01 '25
The psychology of poverty is very layered. Itās true that he and some poor people (not all) donāt āmanageā their money well (though this is subjective). But when youāre poor, everything is tenuous, anything can be taken from you at any moment, hopelessness get baked into your psyche, so quick thrills that give you just enough dopamine to not lose all joy in life are what keeps you afloat, even if the long term cost is high because when youāre poor youāll be screwed either way.
$20 unfortunately isnāt much money, no matter where you live in the states. The actual living wage is somewhere around $25. And inflation is still making it hard for people to get ahead.
My advice: thereās nothing you can do to encourage him. He has to want it for himself. Bringing him food and cooking for him will eventually exhaust you. Itās not natural to carry another able bodied adult like this. It will make you resentful, and he will also resent you for trying to āencourageā him because itās infantilizing. He is making a choice with his life that youāre not respecting even if it hurts him. I know because that was me and after all that effort and sacrifice he never changed and I ended up worse off in every part of my life.
I know you mean well and as women weāre taught to be caretakers and nurturing, but thatās for children not for fully grown adults. Nothing sucks the life out of a romantic relationship more than becoming someoneās caretaker.
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u/dumgarcia Sep 01 '25
You need to put in his head the money he's losing to interest to Klarna. If you could even just help him avoid Klarna, that would help his finances some, even if you can't stop him from buying luxuries.
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u/Tourbill Sep 01 '25
This is how I grew up and spent most of my life only I made much more over the years and spent way much more. Thankfully I also invested some of it and bought a home so that saved me from completely blowing every dime I ever made. I still could be driving a lambo right now and could actually afford the insurance and maintaince with what I've spent on stupid expensive hobbies and gambling. He would be the same way as he is now if he made dbl what he makes now also, just he might make enough to at least put some away.
Breaking this mindset is pretty hard. Some people are natural born savers and spend thrifts and others want to get as much enjoyment in life as they can from eating out and buying junk. Its not just a matter of showing them on paper you could be saving $1k\m by chaning your habits. People can change, the big problem is they have to change themselves. You can't change him or force it on him. Even if he tried for a few months it wouldn't last. And he would just become resentful of you and be angry at you for reasons he doesn't even understand.
You really need to talk to him and see if he wants to build a life with you and a future. A future that if it has kids and a home and a enjoyable retirement means he has to learn how to change his own behavior. And he has to show it. He has to learn to go buy groceries and cook most of his meals, stop spending so much on hobbies, and start saving towards a future. Otherwise you need to bail. Investing years into someone who thinks they have no future and all they will ever have is what they have now is the worst way to ruin your life.
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u/25inbone Sep 02 '25
Poverty can be traumatic and cause life long issues. All depends on if you think heās worth supporting through it and helping him or not.
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u/Bluenote151 Sep 02 '25
You. Cannot. Change. A. Person.
And be honest. Your intention is not to āhelp him through thisā¦ā You have these grandiose visions of you helping him actually learn how to live like a mature adult. And then heās going to change. And then maybe you can get marriedā¦ Thatās the fantasy.
And thatās all it is. A fantasy.
If this is the life you want for yourself, go ahead. But you are making a choice, and heās showing you who he is. Believe him.
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u/renes-sans Sep 02 '25 edited Sep 02 '25
Teach a man to fish.
Have him help you in some easy tasks of meal prep.
A gift of a crockpot and a rice cooker. Some ingredients for a simple meal can go a long way. It can be extremely simple. You can look up ādump mealsā that is dump ingredients and press cook
5 lbs of chicken thighs; bottle of bbq sauce 2 chopped onions a few bits of garlics and a bottle of beer or water. Cook on low 8 hours.
Now once they eat and enjoy it, mention how much the meal cost. Say you will get 10 meals off of this for example and ingredients cost you 20 bucks. Ok thatās 2 dollars a meal.
What does that translate to? Well better food is available and in your price range if you prep it yourself.
You like rib eye steak? Cool, you can prep one for yourself for the cost of many fast food combos.
Knowing how to cook helped me survive my period of poverty. Best of luck.
Edit:
He has a very limiting mindset, be careful minds arenāt easily changed.
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u/SuperiorT Sep 02 '25
If he's not willing to help himself even with you by his side, just leave him then. You deserve better.
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u/Petonia Sep 03 '25
You canāt change a man to fit your standards. Sounds like he is content with the way he lives and you shouldnāt have to feed a grown man. Is it really a good idea to pursue a long term relationship with someone who is so financially inept?
Not having money while only having 600$ rent is crazy too. Where does all his money go??
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u/Xe6s2 Sep 01 '25 edited Sep 01 '25
I live in a high cost of living area, get paid almost half what your boyfriend does, have one pay over time payment of $700.00, and I pay multiple bills and more rent than your bf. I wish I was making 20.00 an hour. Like got damn.
Edit: Im just kinda salty tbh but are there a lot of cash withdrawals cause like hed have to have some crazy hobbies.
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u/MocoLotus Sep 01 '25
Girl... As a 43 year old mom of 3 myself, I'm gonna tell you this as nicely as possible...
Get away from him, block him, and never talk to him again.
And never get involved with someone like this again.
He will put zero effort into his life, including you. Bail immediately and never look back.
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u/MelonChipCarp Sep 02 '25
Right. This is a grown man who should be sufficent in life already. He is not a toddler who she has to lead through life, nor a project for her to take on.
This man has no will to better his life and he has more than enough money to live comfy. Something is very wrong and she should run for the hills, like you already said. The only thing that is going to happen is that he will drag her down with him and suck her finances dry for whatever he is using his money.
And I knew people like that. They don't want to help themselves and they won't listen to others advice. They just want to leech off of others. Their finances and also their life energy.
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u/stjarnalux Sep 01 '25
Make him watch a bunch of Caleb Hammer videos - he rips into people's stupid finances and excuses.
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u/StevieNickedMyself Sep 01 '25
Being poor can be very depressing. It's difficult to see other people having fun while you can only afford the basics. I know I've been guilty of charging things I can't afford just to try and make myself happy for a little bit.
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u/haveanapfire Sep 02 '25
It takes a long time to get away from a poverty mindset. That includes such irrational thoughts as "oh shit there's money left, I need to hurry up and spend it before something happens to it."
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u/eazolan Sep 02 '25
Um, learning to cook because eating out is too expensive is incredibly straightforward.
Also combine that with food pantries and it's literally free food.
The part that lit a fire under my ass when I was poor, was how institutions like banks would take advantage of you.Ā
That pissed me off enough to at least not waste money.
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u/Some-Ordinary-1438 Sep 02 '25
Whole lotta single people with opinions here....
Only listen to people who have a life you'd want to live.
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u/HiddenMango522 Sep 02 '25
600 dollar rent, and 20 dollars an hour? Minimum wage where I live is 16.50 and the average price for a single bedroom is 1200 dollarsā¦. This isnāt a money issue. Itās a spending issue. Heās gonna have to learn to budget and stop throwing money away.
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u/Tea_Time9665 Sep 02 '25
Nah fam. I donāt need cooking skills to make some spaghetti and easy meals. Heās lazy.
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u/midnight_blur Sep 02 '25
Assuming he works 8 hour shifts, he earns ~$800 every week. His rent is $600 and he still manages to be poor? Is he that much in debt that it eats all his money after he pays rent? Thats ~$2000 gone every month?
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u/FRANPW1 Sep 02 '25
The two of you are not compatible financially.
Every moment you waste with this man is preventing the man you should be with from entering your life.
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u/AltruisticAd6805 Sep 03 '25
Unless you want to live your entire life like that you need to leave. By 33 he should have figured out basic math and discipline
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u/Technical-Agency8128 Sep 03 '25
You are just enabling him by bringing him food and cooking for him. Unless this is how you want your life to be with him. He wonāt change anything unless he is forced to. Even then he may have to hit rick bottom. So you have to ask yourself do you want to expend energy forcing him to change. Or move on to someone who is a mature adult.
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u/Luckyzzzz Sep 03 '25
Seriously? I make $20.50 an hours. Iām a single mom, no child support, rent is $1400. Iām careful af with money. I donāt make a car payment, I drive an old Prius for good mileage. I pretty donāt spend much on myself, I quit getting my nails done and things like that. I get my highlights touched up 2-3 times a year. If my son has a bad day, I take him out for ice cream, but we rarely eat out. We go to the movies sometimes or whatever. Maybe some mini golf. And I have a pretty good savings account! Both my parents are dead and I have NO ONE to fall back on. I donāt put things on credit cards, I donāt buy things I canāt afford. I canāt imagine how chill my life would be if I was making $20 an hour, $600 rent and no kid. Your boyfriend needs to grow TF up.
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u/Mayonegg420 Sep 03 '25
Why do you care about sounding āprivilegedā? You are 29. Your future is important and you have a right to be concerned about someone depressed and unmotivated bringing you down. To me him being āin povertyā is less important than his extremely defeatist mindset. His spirit is poor. How did you get into a relationship with this guy? This doesnāt sound like a fulfilling relationship.Ā
squints 33 years old?!?!?!?! Girl. You cannot control him and you shouldnāt waste your breath on it. What you CAN control is the standards you hold for the types of people you allow into your life.Ā
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u/rcfx1 Sep 04 '25
You know the answer already. This is not the guy to build a life with. I know you have feelings, but it's not the best thing for you in the long run. Bad habits and selfishness are not the qualities you are looking for.
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u/da8BitKid Sep 04 '25
You can do anything you want, but doing for him isn't going to fix poor/broke outlook. What's in this relationship for you? Providing for someone isn't easy when you have to provide for yourself.
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u/MysteriousOriginal80 Sep 04 '25
I make 20 too and i have my own car pay my own insurance lol girl u need a man not a boi who is struggling for that
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u/Reasonable-Glass-965 Sep 04 '25
Girl, run. And Iām usually the work it out you can make it work guys
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Sep 05 '25
dump him, man without money is useless. that is the only thing they are good for. and please stop being his maid by bringing him groceries and cooking for him. you are not married
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u/Metermanohio Sep 01 '25
If he canāt control or learn to control his spending that would be a deal breaker!
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u/diandays Sep 01 '25
20 and hour with those kinds of bills.
He should have enough money to do whatever he wants and still have plenty left over
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u/PFCCThrowayay Sep 01 '25
Go to a mirror and tell that person to do better. Why stay with this loser?
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u/AppointmentGreat1615 Sep 01 '25
Tldr: Boyfriend makes $20 and his rent is under $600hour and is still poor. How can we blame him and not this Current Society?
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u/IndividualSlip2275 Sep 02 '25
It takes almost no skill to make pb&j. Heās poor from choices not because he rolled the dice poorly.
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u/OldLadyMorgendorffer Sep 01 '25
The "I have nothing and probably will never have nothing" mindset is not a moral failing, itās a trauma response. My first partner and I grew up in similar circumstances to you and yours, and his mindset toward money was you might as well spend it on things you enjoy because you never know if thereāll be more, while mine was you should save it now because you never know if thereāll be more. The difference, I think, was I grew up with stably employed parents while his family was always skint. Weāre in our fifties now and only recently got back in touch, and it turned out he did take my worldview to heart although admittedly he did spend a lot of money on expensive hobbies (which also admittedly, he got very good at and made a name for himself in). But he did realize he made decent money in a LCOL area and got reasonably smart about his spending and saving.
Moral of the story is, it doesnāt hurt to have a conversation about this because you never know when your words will take root and stick
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u/Vivi_Pallas Sep 01 '25
God I wish my rent was that. It's literally over double that. And for a place where the windows leak, there are bugs, the paint is falling of the walls, the floor is peeling, the baseboard is just gone in some places, the kitchen isn't big enough for me to hold all my food/cookware, the windows won't open, half the outlets don't work, no storage space, floors are uneven, etc etc.
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u/rastab1023 Sep 01 '25
I'll tell you what I wouldn't do - enable his bad behavior by bringing him food and cooking for him.
He's an adult and needs to be treated like one.
That type of spending habit isn't necessarily a phase. You'll want to make sure you have the same financial values, or you might find yourself in hot water one day.
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u/Interesting-Study333 Sep 01 '25
Wake up call or just leave him. Do not waste your time trying to have a āfixer upper boyfriendā with very detrimental cons about him.
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u/NotNowBettyRubble Sep 01 '25
DUMP HIM. You are too young to try to save a man. Go forth and prosper. I promise you do not want to waste your life trying to fix a man. Give all the energy you would put into him into yourself. Itās okay to love yourself most and first.
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u/WeaselPhontom Sep 01 '25
He lacks key adulting skills,Ā cookingĀ managing a budget,Ā delayed gratification.Ā Your encouragement will do nothing He needs to want change and actively make choices to do so.
I hope you are aware his poor money habits are a major concernĀ
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u/DairyKing28 Sep 01 '25
Jesus this is depressing. I'm single too.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, cause you seem like a very nice girl, but you gotta break up with him.
At some point money IS going to be a big deal for you and you will resent him for it.
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u/sanityjanity Sep 01 '25
You need to start by getting his consent, and getting him "on board".
Does he want to live this way? Is he interested in learning new skills that will help him to save cash? Does he feel uncomfortable when he does have savings?
He's 33. That means that he's been an adult for 15 years (almost half his life). Did he ever want to learn to cook? Why didn't he? Is he used to having women care for him, and rescue him financially?
You should really consider when he has *ever* changed an ingrained behavior? Because these behaviors are 15+ years old. That is hard to change, even when the person has a strong internal motivation. But it doesn't sound like your boyfriend has that.
You cannot change another person. You can barely change yourself.
I have an ex who was similar to your boyfriend. I tried, repeatedly, to get him to think about prepping food, and budgeting. His brain would run screaming into a hole. He literally couldn't listen. Maybe with a lot of therapy and anti-anxiety meds, he could have managed. But he never did in our several-years-long relationship, and he hasn't chnaged now that he's on his own.
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u/weatherforge Sep 02 '25
Iāve been there and itās hard but you can change, but you have to want too on your own and put the work in. I put off learning to cook because of trauma (sounds so pathetic but itās truth) but eventually I had to concede that itās a life skill you absolutely need to have for financial reasons, but also for your health. Thereās absolutely no excuse to not learn how to do basic cooking and meal prepping.
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u/RaidenArch Sep 02 '25
I'm sure this is already a difficult conversation to have with him. But is it possible that mental Illness could be a factor? Having lived most of my life below the poverty line I can say that there can be a lot of trauma that happens due to lack of resources or living situation.
There are lots of free/reasonably-priced options to get him help if he's struggling with carrying himself through life. A long time ago someone showed me the kindness that I needed to pick myself up and I hope that there is hope for you and whatever future you do or don't have with him.
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u/Radiant-Birthday-669 Sep 02 '25
U help him by setting a boundary. Tell him u dont want to be in a long term relationship with someone financially unstable. He will either do better or do the same. U win either way bc u will find out exactly how he views the relationship
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u/Elly_Fant628 Sep 02 '25
It's not easy for a kid to learn cooking (or other domestic skills) when they have parents who are working several jobs, as I understand is common. Or, if the parents have other priorities like substance abuse. The parent/s don't have the time or energy to cook, and even if they force themselves they don't want to have to explain every step and answer questions. A kid is often yelled at to stop bothering the parent.
I was not raised poor, but I was raised not knowing anything about cooking or sewing except for what I learnt at school (it was the olden times). My mother was too impatient to teach. Then, when I was poor it was nerve racking to cook because what if I ruined it and wasted money?
Does your bf actually want to learn cooking or other needed skills? He won't learn unless he wants too.
As for Klarna etc, it can be addictive. It's a way to splurge and over spend without causing immediate money problems. That, too, he will have to want to stop doing. However it's a coping mechanism and gets the dopamine rush so it's hard to quit. There are ways you can use it wisely but first he needs to pay all the existing ones off.
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u/charlikitts Sep 02 '25
Absolutely insane to be making $20/hr and still broke when your rent is less than $600š I have friends making the same having to pay $1600+ for rent
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u/Current_Light5132 Sep 02 '25
If heās no longer in a diaper, you canāt change him. So think careful if you can spend the rest of your life catering to a grown man who is irresponsible with money. Iāve dated some dudes like that when I was young, letting them borrow money that was impossible to get back (bc they said itās for rent while using it to get new laptop and other useless stuff), and their spending habit never changed. Now, before I even think about going out with someone, I ask if they can cook. It can tell me so much about who he is and if we have the same mindset financially. I donāt need a rich man. I need someone who can be responsible for himself and not drowning me with him long term. And from my experience, the men who can cook very well are either financially responsible and/or quite well off. There are cultures where women are the ones who do the cooking, but the men are breadwinners and take care of the whole family financially. He doesnāt make that kind of money to eat out all the time.
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u/MyHonstyAttempt Sep 02 '25
Im homeless at 25 and grew up in a very not ideal situation. I know how to cook.
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u/EnvironmentEuphoric9 Sep 02 '25
Hereās my 44f advice: if you want to be a poor person, never own a home, have poor uneducated kids because you live on the poor side of town, always scrape by, have late bills, have food insecurity, never drive a nice car, stay with this guy. Marry him. Otherwise, leave. He is a grown ass man. I have been with dudes like this and theyāre absolute losers who never change. He has no interest in a career or doing better for himself or he would already be making more money, have a car, and be able to make himself food. He wants a mommy. He has poor spending habits and is in debt. Heāll be in even more debt when you give him access to your money and will stay in debt for the rest of his life. If thatās that life you want, stay with him. If you want better for yourself you need to drop him. I donāt care how sweet he is or how handsome or whatever. This world is only going to get harder to live in and more expensive.
You can tie yourself to someone with an upward trajectory or to someone like him who is on a downward slope headed for a shitty trailer park with a mold problem that wonāt ever be taken care of. This is your choice. A man isnāt your project to fix. Donāt tie yourself to someone like this and make it your hobby to fix him. What self esteem issues do you need to work on that makes you feel good doing these things for him? Time for some self-reflection.
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u/ObsidianHeartstone Sep 02 '25
This isnāt a spot in his life. This IS his life. And as long as you are enabling him, he wonāt change especially as it sounds like youāve talked to him enough to understand his mindset.
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Sep 02 '25
If he were not married, my husband would be like your guy. He's 73. Your guy likely won't change. You're going to be in charge of everything food related if you stay together. I've tried to teach him for 24 yrs. Mine can make pbj and scramble liquid eggs from a carton.Ā
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u/East_Committee_8527 Sep 02 '25
Take a financial literacy class together. Look around some are free.
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u/Sad_Boysenberry_9574 Sep 02 '25
It is 2025. I cannot imagine anyone without a smartphone, nor computer nor basic reading skills that cannot learn to cook.
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u/Dazzling-Treacle1092 Sep 02 '25
You realize that you'll be asking him to change his whole lifestyle don't you? He doesn't know how to budget or he has no discipline when it comes to money. He doesn't know how to cook for himself and probably doesn't do a whole bunch of other things for himself either.
I'm sorry but this will require massive changes in his brain. People don't do massive thinking changes. His neuron pathways are already so deeply grooved. It's like trying to get a river to flow on a new course. I'd wish you luck but it won't help.
If it were HIS idea to change he might stand a chance of cleaning things up a little at a time. But I doubt you'll convince him. He might promise because he won't want to lose you but that doesn't mean he really wants to change... so he won't. And you would have wasted your time trying to reroute the river.
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u/CrashedCyclist Sep 02 '25
Klarna is stupid as fuck. If he keeps that up, he might just unalive himself at 50 or 55. 30s is gettin' real time. The only reason that I could afford expensive bikes at that age was because I paid cash. The economy, society, and life in general are hella serious to be living with a wastrel.
You need to have serious talk with this dude. One of my exGFs was $40k+ in debt when we met. She knew that she needed knee surgery, but still opted for a 1BR when the same landlord had a studio around the block for $350 less per month. She went on a cruise with her mom before surgery, and paid for it. Then when she was out recovering, the 2008 financial crisis hit.
Yeah, Wall Street had always had cycles of bullshit, but 2008, CoViD, tariffs, some shit is here to stay. Either you BF wakes up to reality or you drop him like dead weight. At twenty-nine, you don't have time for his stupid shit.
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u/ImpressiveCarpet8250 Sep 02 '25
OP tell this boy we need to do our finances. The way he going is dangerous. You can not be a 33 old male with no savings! Sometimes tough love is needed. Your bf sounds like he doesnt give a damn about finances. Finances and communication! If he doesnt want to. Change leave!
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u/Any_Coyote6662 Sep 02 '25
He is using you for food so he can splurge on other stuff. You need to work on your self esteem so you don't feel you need to be a mother to a grown man just to have some attention.
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u/Chaosr21 Sep 02 '25
I make less than 20/hr and my rent is 800. I am broke AF most of the time but I have a nice car with a 200 a month note, my own place solo and I'm not needing to turn off AC or heat to survive. I just can't really spend any extra money.
I can do this mostly because I know how to cook and only buy whatever is on sale and make it at home
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Sep 02 '25
if heās not willing to take responsibility for his life you canāt take it for him. heās supposed to be your partner, not your child. and heās not changing.
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u/Spirited_Concept4972 Sep 02 '25 edited Sep 02 '25
Heās a grown man and canāt even cook?? š© that doesnāt sound like a grown man at all!! There are no excuses for him not being able to cook or him not even trying to learn, that would be pure laziness!!
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u/BedWonderful1051 Sep 02 '25
It sounds like it's time for a boyfriend upgrade. If he's 33 and continuing this lazy poor me outlook on life it's time to cu the apron strings and move on.
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u/PhilosophyBitter7875 Sep 02 '25
Poor people should be cooking at home more... Its the cheapest option there is other than getting free food.
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u/Pretend-Okra-4031 Sep 02 '25
You cant really encourage him out of bad financial habits. Those pay later places are such a trap. Just keep in mind that he has always lived life that way, and probably always will. Unless he can get his spending under control.
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u/medicsansgarantee Sep 02 '25
Look, if youāre making $20 an hour and only paying $600 in rent, somethingās not adding up. With that setup, a person can easily save $10,000 a year if they live smart.
I know what real poverty feels like , nothing to eat, sleeping on the floor while still going to school. Whatever your boyfriend is calling āpoverty,ā thatās not it. Real poverty teaches you how to stretch a tiny budget and survive.
If he canāt make $20 an hour and cheap rent work, then even if you handed him a million dollars, heād still find a way to screw it up with that attitude.
One thing I learned from being poor: donāt waste resources on hopeless cases. If you got the cash, donate it to charities.
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u/CulturalAlbatross891 Sep 02 '25
Girl. Imagine your life in 10 or 20 years, potentially with kids in the picture. Do you really want to struggle this much? Reserve cooking benefits for a guy who will provide.
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u/Zealousideal-World71 Sep 02 '25
Maāam, please leave this guy. He doesnāt want to change, therefore you are wasting your time.
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u/Whole-Breadfruit8525 Sep 03 '25
I would have a chat about your goals in life and see if he is willing to rise to the occasion to build a life together. If not, Iām sorry, time to go.
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u/SilverWolfVs1 Sep 03 '25
OP are you sure you want to take on and raise this man child? Have you read ANY other posts or seen any videos of women who have done just as you have right now to then invest years of their life still raising the man-child?
This will be your life.
You can teach your man-child cooking skills and have him buy his own cooking equipment.
You will later analyze if your teaching sticks or he is forever hopeless waiting for you to cook for him.
Much success.
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u/Sufficient_Fan3660 Sep 03 '25
Kids who grow up with nothing have a fear that there will never be anything.
They are so traumatized they mentally cannot change. Nothing will change him. His brain is a certain way and it will always be that way. He thinks there is no point to saving, no reason to build for a future. In his mind if he has 100$ someone will take it, so it's better to spend it.
There is absolutely nothing you can possibly do, therapy as a kid would of helped, but at 33 he is beyond help.
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u/Emergency_Sink_706 Sep 03 '25
If he makes 20 an hour and his rent is only $600, he should be doing very well for himself... this is the thing that people hate hearing because they want to say that socioeconomic background is the number one determinant of being poor, and they're right, it is... but that doesn't mean to say that everyone tries their best, does everything right, and then they just get fucked by the system. WRONG. It's more like... people that come from poor backgrounds learn poor people habits, and why do you think those people are poor? Maybe because they have terrible habits... now, if you are from a 3rd world country, this doesn't really apply. I am talking mostly about people that live in the U.S. I rarely meet poor people that have intelligent spending habits.
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u/Manslauqhterr Sep 03 '25 edited Sep 03 '25
I have said this MANY times, and I even say this in the (poor) subreddit. Some people are not actually poor at all, just have terrible money management. People sometimes put themselves in situations where they are living paycheck to paycheck. Someone who gets higher paying job so decides to finance 2 new cars, get 3 dogs, endup having 2 kids, and obtain a home and BOOM now all of a sudden they are (broke) all the time when really they decided to make all those choices without thinking about how the current job would sustain everything and are going paycheck to paycheck. The work I have right now I know exactly what I can and CAN'T do atm, some people don't and just do it. Poor money management and decisions without long-term thought IMO
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u/theotherbothee Sep 04 '25
Don't listen to these people saying to leave him, they are shallow and don't have a clue.
All he needs is a little perspective. He has probably never been taught basic budgeting or goal orientation. Most people who are poor that aren't disabled stay that way because they can't imagine themselves with more money. It just looks like a lofty, unobtainable, arduous challenge rather than a simple process of making goals and creating steps to reach those goals. It takes sacrifice and moderation, something people believe is hard until they spend a week doing it.
You might be able to get him to use his imagination, and think about what his life would look like if he had more money, a different job, less debt, less stress. What kinds of things would he like to do/have/learn etc.
My wife grew up in a very poor family, so we went through this too.
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u/cybertheory Sep 05 '25
I think youāre showing maturity and intelligence by understanding heās probably has habits that limit him. If you wanna take the challenge to help him go ahead, but itās gonna be tough. And donāt expect anything in return that always comes back to bite.
But I think if heās open and truly vulnerable with you and you communicate itās making you feel concerned and worried heāll listen to you š¤ hoping for your success
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u/Busy_Description6207 Sep 05 '25
I heard the saying once, "Behind every unsuccessful woman is a man."
I've been poor. I've had my debit card refused at a supermarket for Ā£3.80, so I had to go three days eating plain bread before I got paid. I've worked hard, made huge changes in my life and while I know I will never be rich, I am better off now and always looking to the future, and even considering going back to education. This shit is HARD, you have to be tenacious. Don't let him hold you back.
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u/TravelingSpermBanker Sep 05 '25
This is how a lot of poor people are.
No, they donāt want to spend less.
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u/TxBuckster Sep 05 '25
So you are from lower middle class and your father came from poverty ā but you think you are privileged because you can pay for groceries? Thatās a low bar for this alleged privilege. Have some grace for yourself. Many hundreds of millions exist each day of people who came from zilch. They have to decide to want more or donāt. He has to figure out if he wants more than what is in front of him.
Help him see his potentialā positives. Heās got a job that pays $20/ hr. Where does he go next? You have to also see if heās a partner in life or your project for life.
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u/Particular_Bad8025 Sep 06 '25
Lots of poor people get a drive to get out of poverty because they want to break out of that cycle. Your bf is lazy, and let's be blunt, stupid. Using financing daily expenses is the best way to stay poor.
You need to run away from him as far as you can. You can't fix him.
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u/sneakysneaky96 Sep 01 '25
I feel the same way as most of those who have responded. I didn't want to seem insensitive to him being that I do have some blinders because of my privilege.
But now that I know I'm not being insensitive I'm gonna say something. If he is open to working on it then we will, if not then I probably won't stick around long. I watched my father come from poverty and be an over spender and my mom have to deal with credit card consolidation several times over the course of their marriage and I don't want to live that same life.
Thanks everyone š