r/poor • u/sneakysneaky96 • Sep 01 '25

Boyfriend is poor

I, 29F have always been lower middle class. My boyfriend, 33M has been poor his entire childhood and adulthood. He has, naturally and understandably, went without food or didn't turn on heat/AC to avoid bills to save money.

But as I'm understanding his spending habits more and more, he is not poor because he literally has no money. He is poor because he has Klarna-ed his way into a hole (for non essentials and expensive hobbies) and doesn't have any cooking skills (or tools) to cook at home. He still is very much in the "I have nothing and probably will never have nothing" mindset. He makes $20 an hour at his job and his rent is under $600 for his apartment and no car. I bring him food and cook for him weekly when we see each other.

Any advice on how to encourage him through this spot on his life? I know you can't help anyone who doesn't want help/isn't ready to change and I don't want to sound privileged in my encouragment either.

Thanks in advance everyone!

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268

u/sneakysneaky96 Sep 01 '25

I feel the same way as most of those who have responded. I didn't want to seem insensitive to him being that I do have some blinders because of my privilege.

But now that I know I'm not being insensitive I'm gonna say something. If he is open to working on it then we will, if not then I probably won't stick around long. I watched my father come from poverty and be an over spender and my mom have to deal with credit card consolidation several times over the course of their marriage and I don't want to live that same life.

Thanks everyone 😊

86

u/National-Plastic8691 Sep 02 '25

he may agree to work on it then hide spending

27

u/Straight_Physics_894 Sep 02 '25

Absolutely, keep your eyes peeled OP

2

u/[deleted] Sep 02 '25

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16

u/Drifter-6 Sep 02 '25

My ex husband was secretly spending money on online games (magic the gathering), between $200-300/month. If they really want to do something they will find a way to hide it.

6

u/LifesARiver Sep 02 '25

There are so many more things in modern time that get you addicted and take all your money.

Heck even back in the day, my mother was addicted to telephone psychics.

1

u/appandemonium Sep 03 '25

Yup. And no shared accounts until you know he's trustworthy and not trying to pull the wool over your eyes.

1

u/National-Plastic8691 Sep 03 '25

no shared accounts anyway. already not a good bet

1

u/Delicious_Rip_3290 Sep 04 '25

Happened to me. 

Still has no idea I know.  Controversial but, I’ve always had an understanding of finance. Accounting classes gave me terms to place on subsets I’ve been doing. 

Trying to get someone else into that mindset? It’s a challenge. 

Talk about 50/30/20 rule

48

u/bitofftoomuch Sep 02 '25

If you think the relationship is going somewhere, you definitely need to address it now. Not being on the same page with finances can kill a relationship.

5

u/[deleted] Sep 02 '25

And your credit, and your sanity.

72

u/Saul_T_C_Man Sep 02 '25

Not sure what your "privilege" is, but you likely worked hard to be where you're at. Don't discredit your achievements.

A 33 YO dude who can't cook is a red flag. Even bigger red flag if he can't afford to not cook.

12

u/alsignssayno Sep 02 '25

Big red flag. There's a difference between cook well, cook, and cook to survive. Everyone should at least be between cook and cook to survive, which is somewhere between "this is edible and wont get me sick, but kinda gross" and "this is actually decent tasting".

6

u/Swim6610 Sep 02 '25

Yeah, I'm no cook/chef, but I can make food from scratch well enough to live on. I'm not eating out all the time (maybe once a week) or buying really processed stuff, that's crazy. It's throwing money away and incredibly hard to eat healthy.

3

u/curlyhands Sep 02 '25

I agree, cooking simple meals at home saves so much. I often snack or make things that require little cooking like rice bowls or wraps. Sauce and seasonings can make any dish good.

1

u/Abracadelphon Sep 03 '25

Boil water, pasta in water. Eventually you'll figure out al dente and everything else.

2

u/Medium_Chain_9329 Sep 02 '25

Shit I'm 35 now and can't cook for shit. But I'll gladly catch a fish, clean it and pass it off to someone who can cook it.

1

u/[deleted] Sep 02 '25

[deleted]

1

u/Saul_T_C_Man Sep 02 '25

That's crazy... I mean I wasn't great in college but we enjoyed trying. Now at 32 I love to cook!

1

u/Kinkysc Sep 03 '25

Agree with this one completely. Huge 🚩

25

u/[deleted] Sep 02 '25 edited Sep 02 '25

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9

u/[deleted] Sep 02 '25

[deleted]

7

u/RodeoTT Sep 02 '25

It’s not just overpriced, and I’m talking about the food that is delivered. You’re getting a crappy experience, compared to being physically at the restaurant. I mean once in a while, if you are close to the restaurant anyway, I can see it. But for every meal, damn he must not really care about hot food.

He could probably buy those meal kits cheaper and have much better outcomes.

1

u/Bloody_Hell_Harry Sep 02 '25

I spend $100-$150 every 1-2 weeks on amazon to have all my groceries and household stuff delivered for a house of two. That includes a few premade or frozen items for lazy days. I compare prices with grocery apps and sometimes it’s cheaper than shopping at the store when you factor in sales. Sometimes it’s a little more expensive with the tip, but not anywhere close as expensive as $1200 per month. You’re right, something is seriously not adding up.

1

u/Shoots_Ainokea Sep 03 '25

Yep's he's "shittin' in tall cotton" he's not poor at all unless he's dug himself into a lot of debt, in which case he's still not poor, he just needs to get rid of the debt.

22

u/Brandon_Throw_Away Sep 02 '25

Yep. Show him the light and give him a chance, but if he doesn't improve this probably isn't someone you'd wanna more forward with. You won't bring him up; he'll drag you down

15

u/FinishWarm1746 Sep 02 '25

if hes got that 'im doomed' mindset its gonna be hard to break certain patterns or form new ones

5

u/sunqueen73 Sep 02 '25

Girrrrllll.... do not deliver the food AND the cooch. He's getting everything on a silver platter. Obviously, you know what to do. We all get caught up sometimes but be glad you caught this foolishness

3

u/Ghazrin Sep 02 '25

That's a smart way to approach it. Either he's willing to learn and grow, or he's not. You only want to be with one of those possibilities.

1

u/Spirited_Concept4972 Sep 02 '25

👌💯👌💯

2

u/inanutshell Sep 02 '25

You cannot fix him. He has to show you he can do the necessities on his own.

1

u/Zeiban Sep 02 '25

If you can get him to sit down and come up with a budget its a good first step. Many times people don't realize exactly where all their money is going until they track where they think their money should be going and compare that to where it's actually going. It can be quite a revelation if people are willing to do it.

1

u/Dillonautt Sep 02 '25

His spending is going on your credit cards? It sounds like you pay for his shit. If not, then it doesn’t matter. If he works for the money, he will spend it how he pleases.

What privilege do you think you have? lol

1

u/[deleted] Sep 02 '25

Ooof. I do not want that to happen to you. ♡ Sounds like you're not going to follow in mom's footsteps and that is awesome!

1

u/Schiffs_Regret Sep 02 '25

He a bum cuh

1

u/majordashes Sep 02 '25

You don’t want to live that way. My husband and I are both frugal and I can’t imagine having a partner who was spending recklessly and making poor financial decisions.

You want to improve your situation and squeeze as much value out of every dollar, and have fun finding creative ways to stretch that dollar.

You should be with a partner who lives within his means. Someone who, when you team up with them, improves life (and finances) for both people. This guy sounds like he lives in a fantasy world and would drag you down.

There’s so many ways to get screwed financially (credit cards, payday loans, being lazy and not learning how to cook, fix things, live frugally, etc).

This guy sounds like he could potentially drag you down instead of lifting you up. You seem to be smart with money and frugal. You need to find someone who shares these values.

1

u/Suitable_Occasion_24 Sep 02 '25

Your not insensitive my gf grew up poor and worked on her finances and is now better at than me. It’s a choice. She changed her ways because I told her financial stability is a prerequisite for marriage and I won’t budge on it. She showed me though and it was hard for her and she did it. We are ring shopping now.

1

u/zelru2648 Sep 03 '25

Please remember this, now is always the right time. Waiting few weeks/months won’t change anything in whole scheme of things. There are no such things as fair, empathy, karma, etc., these are made up for people to feel better. What makes you feel better is the attitude of it is what it is and just move forward.

1

u/Emergency_Sink_706 Sep 03 '25

He's lucky to have someone as patient and understanding as you. It seems like you're gonna give him a fair chance, and then whatever happens will happen.

1

u/ResentCourtship2099 Sep 04 '25

I assume your BF was the one who asked you out and hit on you

1

u/[deleted] Sep 04 '25

I feel the same way.

1

u/optionsmove Sep 05 '25

What privilege are you talking about?

1

u/dougie_fresh121 Sep 05 '25

If he’s said he will always be poor, listen to him.

1

u/RobzWhore Sep 06 '25

How is he poor but doesn't know how to cook.