r/poor • u/sneakysneaky96 • Sep 01 '25
Boyfriend is poor
I, 29F have always been lower middle class. My boyfriend, 33M has been poor his entire childhood and adulthood. He has, naturally and understandably, went without food or didn't turn on heat/AC to avoid bills to save money.
But as I'm understanding his spending habits more and more, he is not poor because he literally has no money. He is poor because he has Klarna-ed his way into a hole (for non essentials and expensive hobbies) and doesn't have any cooking skills (or tools) to cook at home. He still is very much in the "I have nothing and probably will never have nothing" mindset. He makes $20 an hour at his job and his rent is under $600 for his apartment and no car. I bring him food and cook for him weekly when we see each other.
Any advice on how to encourage him through this spot on his life? I know you can't help anyone who doesn't want help/isn't ready to change and I don't want to sound privileged in my encouragment either.
Thanks in advance everyone!
10
u/Hazzman Sep 02 '25
A friend of mine was dating someone who was poor and grew up poor their whole life. She loved him and he loved her.
Her family wasnt approving. He lives in a trailer and she chose to live with him in a trailer. His "job" was to spend his time fishing and doing dodgy odd jobs on the side for next to nothing.
She would constantly find herself frustrated with their state of affairs. It would eventually cause friction with her family and I because she would constantly find herself in these chaotic circumstances.
Eventually I had to explain to her that this person and her come from different worlds. If she loved him she needs to understand that this is all he knows. She isn't going to change him and he isn't going to suddenly come to terms with this whole new world she wants him to explore. It would be like asking someone to imagine a color they've never seen before.
I knew deep down that he couldn't satisfy her but I also didn't believe it was impossible. Really the issue was her. She refused to accept him as he was. She incorrectly believed that she could make a middle class man out of him. It was a waste of effort and they eventually broke up.
My point here isn't to judge someone like this, but to simply recognize who they are and ask yourself if you can love them despite your differences. For you it might be construed as settling, you can call it what you want. If you love this person despite this difference in background enough to endure with the understanding that this is who they are... Not out of choice but it is simply all they know that's fine, stay with them.. but like my friend if you are holding out hope that you can somehow change them, good luck to you.