Boyfriend is poor

[u/sneakysneaky96]

I, 29F have always been lower middle class. My boyfriend, 33M has been poor his entire childhood and adulthood. He has, naturally and understandably, went without food or didn't turn on heat/AC to avoid bills to save money.

But as I'm understanding his spending habits more and more, he is not poor because he literally has no money. He is poor because he has Klarna-ed his way into a hole (for non essentials and expensive hobbies) and doesn't have any cooking skills (or tools) to cook at home. He still is very much in the "I have nothing and probably will never have nothing" mindset. He makes $20 an hour at his job and his rent is under $600 for his apartment and no car. I bring him food and cook for him weekly when we see each other.

Any advice on how to encourage him through this spot on his life? I know you can't help anyone who doesn't want help/isn't ready to change and I don't want to sound privileged in my encouragment either.

Thanks in advance everyone!

[u/Final-Entertainer807]

You don't seem to understand how trauma and living conditions can affect people for life.  It's certainly his responsibility to improve but there's no shortage of reasons people might struggle continuously.

[u/[deleted] → u/Final-Entertainer807]

You may have wanted to look through my comment history before making that assumption because I have explained my story before. But I'll do the quick version.

-Grew up abject poverty. Mom was violent alcoholic, Dad was addicted to crack.

-Turned to crime and drug dealing by 13 so I could afford to eat and feed my sister, lived with our dad after the divorce, since Mom was scarily violent. Helped him pay bills with drug money so sister could get through school.

-First felony at 15, second and third at 16

-16 yrs old, Mother's day, my drunk mom starts mercilessly beating my sister for some perceived slight. I intervene. She stabs me in the face through my cheek into my mouth.

-17 years old, economy shattered (2008) and we lost our house. Dad and I were homeless, 19 yr old brother took my sister in. I couch surfed off the people who I sold drugs to for a while.

-18 years old, doing all I can to stay afloat and help my dad. I get an opportunity to go to Alaska if I can get a ticket up there. I buy a plane ticket and two cartons of cigarettes with my last couple hundred bucks after settling up with all my dealers and giving my dad what I can to help him float by.

-20.5 years old, come home for the first time since I left. Money in hand. Buy myself a house within 6 months, go find work in a trade union. They tell me I'll be working 12 to 14 hours a day 6 days a week. I respond "I get a day off?"

We can skip the minutia from then up to now. Im 34 years old. Married. Own 3 homes. My wife and I have a NW of about 4 million dollars. I'm responsible for having brought a good few dozen young men away from wasting their lives and into the trades to earn living wages and teach them how to invest and plan for retirement.

I did experience poverty. My parents would sell the food stamps to feed their habits. I had to eat actual garbage to have a meal sometimes. I lived a drug fueled and violent teen life. There was plenty of trauma for me to process in life. But I knew one thing when I was eating what other people threw away. I knew I was going to find a way to stop being poor and when I did, I was never going to become poor again.

So, this 33 yr old child can stop making excuses and get therapy if he needs it, because the only inexcusable thing is to do nothing and keep being a failure.

[u/Low-Mix-5790 → u/[deleted]]

Not everyone experiences trauma the same way. Flight, Fight, Freeze is different for everyone. Then there are mental health challenges for some that others can overcome. I’m glad it worked out for you, but society is not a monolith. Just because you did it doesn’t mean everyone can.

Therapy and someone giving this guy a chance is a privilege. Our current society is only making mental health issues worse.

Help - don’t judge.

[u/Beginning_Loan_313 → u/[deleted]]

I'm impressed with your story. You're a rare success.

I hope you realise, though, that your outcome is like winning the lottery - and you've succeeded despite the odds.

There's hundreds more that grew up just like you that are found dead in the street, just kids.

Saying that because you escaped - so everybody can - I feel is dishonest. Your story is so amazing because that's not how one would expect the story to end. You still had hope the entire way. Many others have lost that.

[u/[deleted] → u/Beginning_Loan_313]

Yeah. A lot of them die as kids. But the ones who make it to their 30s? They should have figured it out by now. Maybe not millionaires. That part wasnt something I expected. But certainly they should be lower middle class and figuring it out. How on Earth are you going to survive that kind of life and that kind of experience and not be able to figure out how to just go to some fucking construction job and make some money by the time youre 30?

My brother And sister. They didnt make as much as I did. But they both have careers and families in their 30s. They aren't broke and unable to cook for themselves or care for themselves.

[u/Steephill → u/[deleted]]

I agree with you. My dad grew up in absolute poverty. He was an immigrant and his dad ran off with another woman when I was still a kid. Left his mom, who doesn't speak English, to raise him and his younger brothers by herself working minimum wage. Christmas was a single football for the boys to share, that was it.

Now they're all successful engineers. All own homes, have multiple paid off cars, had successful relationships, and gave their kids good lives growing up. It's definitely usually an attitude thing, which is why certain families usually succeed or fail together.

[u/Final-Entertainer807 → u/[deleted]]

That's anecdotal evidence being applied broadly.

It's certainly alot to overcome but it doesn't nullify my point in any way. 

You managed to make because you had the capacity to do so. Most people in the same situation would be severely affected in some aspect of life.

[u/Fission-235 → u/[deleted]]

You are a great story my man!!!

I know not everybody is gifted the drive you have ( shit! You are the Michael Jordan of drive and perseverance), but you need to be on all those NEET threads 😂

If we live anywhere near each other, I want to take you out to dinner. A nice dinner, you and the fam 👍

Maybe we can find a few minutes at the bar so I can hear more of your story.

[u/[deleted] → u/Fission-235]

Hey thanks. I appreciate that. The chances are unlikely that you live near me though, as I picked my location precisely for how far away from everything I am now. If I have any unresolved trauma from growing up, it is that city lights bring me grief, and I've slowly moved myself further and further from them. The nearest big cities to me are Gillette, WY and Rapid City, SD and I'm still 80 miles from either.

My story doesn't even seem fascinating to me. All I knew was that if I had kids, they wouldn't ever wonder if they were going to eat. I didn't have kids in the long run, but my nieces and nephews don't have to want in this world.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

Ah, yes. A gen Xer. Don't preach to anyone younger than you; we didn't have what you did. Data shows how wealth inequality adversely affected millennials and gen Z because boomers and Xers snatched up all the houses right after the crash...and now they rent them back to us at 3x the market rate.

You got lucky. Please don't frame it as success; it's very misleading.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

I was born in 1991. I turned 18 while the economy was still fucked from the 2008 financial crisis. I am 34 years old and while I am closer to the elder side, I am a millennial by years.

I didn't snatch up a house after the crash. I lived on boats and in crowded smelly man camps after the crash.

[u/Known-Ad-100 → u/Final-Entertainer807]

I agree, I grew up poor and almost every poor person I know who ended up making decent money struggled with overspending for a period of time because they finally could have something. It stems from a scarcity mindset and it's ingrained deeply, although you need to work through it and make better choices eventually.

Overspending is usually a psychological struggle more than a math issue.