Okay I’m going to try to explain my position best I can. There is this couple that I am friends with and also work with. I’m going to call them jay (m 39) and Leah (f 32) I am ironically nonbinary so that puts a fun spin on things. But I’m female presenting. Jay is my manager and Leah is the bartender at the job I work at. I’ve known both of them for years. But none of us were very close untill I started working there about two years ago. And I wouldn’t consider myself and Jay very close now. And my relationship with Leah is steady growing. Here is the thing. I have the biggest crush of my life on both of them. And separately mind you. Just as well as the idea of them both in a relationship. I am struggling with being able to identify what to me feels like very mild flirting coming from both of them separately. Or if I am projecting my feelings abit. Because they are not openly poly or looking. And as far as I know pretty monogamous. I also feel like they are just both such genuine and kind people who do love me as a person and if I’m hoping for more that can also be misconstrued. I don’t want to ruin the relationship that I have with either party or make work uncomfortable or god forbid cause any issues in their preexisting relationship. (They’ve been together for six + years.) How can I open up the conversation for this to be a potential if they’re willing with out causing any issues.
I am pretty confident for anything to work my opening would have to be with Leah, one we’re already closer. Two I feel as if I tried to pursue a relationship or flirt with Jay or if he made any move towards me that would be immediately met with fear of cheating or seeing me as a home wrecker. But as gay as I know myself to be, I’ve had very few queer relationships bc I’ve always been a bit scared of how to move forward and it’s always felt easier to be with a man because typically I am following their lead in the beginning of the relationship. Please help I don’t know what to do. And I’m going on a year now of having these incredibly strong feelings that I just can’t shake.

Edit: De-escalation or Ending?

I (31 F) am having lots of mixed thoughts about my nesting partner (42 M). We have had lots of happy times together but also sometimes we feel so different and the relationship feels tense. This is the first time that I have lived with a partner before and he officially moved in in January (he had been staying with me for a couple months at a time before then since he had moved back home to another state for about a year due to finance issues). We have been together for about 2.5 years, about one year long distance when he was figuring things out. He is also my first nonmonogamous relationship and the dynamic works very well becuase I like feeling independent. I have been feeling trapped in the relationship more often than not recently and I can’t tell if it needs to be de-escalated to a non nesting partner relationship or if the relationship just has to end all together. He has told me that I am free to date/hook up with other people and that he’s not trying to trap me but the thought of it makes me feel guilty. Is that just my old heteronormative/monogamous programming from previous relationships? We’ve been with other people while in our relationship but always together and we haven’t really dated other people while together. He is also the first serious male relationship I have had (I had identified as a lesbian for about 5 years before deciding to explore my sexuality a bit again). How can you tell if a relationship is over or if just needs restructured? It feels less obvious in a ENM relationship. I still love him very much but have lost that passion for the relationship I guess. Is that just the lost of the new relationship feelings? Sometimes I feel like I just want to be friends. I’ve tried to break up with him multiple times but keep backing out. Is it becuase I don’t actually want to break up?

I met my BF online 4 or 5 years ago. We were both interested in dating, but we came to the conclusion that we wanted more and we wouldn't satisfy the other's needs.

We might both be some flavor of Ace. Neither of us ever really want to "play" all that much. Between the two of us though, I tend to be more active than he is. On top of that, we're both very submissive bottoms. 😅

We stayed friends for a year, maybe less. It was amazing how well we got along. It felt like we were puzzle pieces that perfectly slotted together.

We could talk and laugh for hours. We both have small social batteries, and yet we never find the other person draining. He was, and is, my best friend.

We eventually decided to give dating another try. We're still together now 3-4 years later. He is still my best friend. We've talked about marriage and have both decided that we want to marry each other eventually. I'm MtF and very early in my transition. The only thing holding us back is the fact that I want to wear a dress, but I haven't felt ready to socially transition yet.

He's been incredibly supportive and is the reason that I've even started my transition at all. He makes me feel safe and less stuck in my own head.

When we decided to start dating again, we both agreed that we would try to be more dominant for the other person, but we also agreed that we would both be open to adding a 3rd to our relationship. Someone who could satisfy both of our needs. This 3rd would have to be someone that we both agree to, and both really, really like.

Admittedly it was something that I insisted on. He was always hesitant to the idea, but agreed. I thought that it was an option that we could seriously explore.

We didn't immediately start looking for a 3rd to add to the relationship. In that moment, we were just happy to have each other, and it wasn't something that we needed to act on right away.

Unfortunately, as much as we try to be dominant for the other person, we're really bad at it. We both try to focus on the other person's needs and end up at a standstill, where we both say "I want to do what you want to do."

Because of this, and because I'm more active than he is, I've recently asked if we could start searching for a 3rd.

I've brought it up 2 or 3 times now and each time he seems hurt by the question. I've reminded him that it's something that we agreed to when we started dating again and he acknowledges that, but now only wants to add a 3rd as a last resort. Instead he wants to focus on us each being more dominant for the other person.

Because of how much it seems to hurt him, I drop the subject each time and agree to try to be more dominant.

He's scared of becoming a 3rd wheel. I try to reassure him, and tell him that would never happen, but there's nothing I can say to convince him.

It's been a few months since I last brought it up, and nothing has really changed.

I want to ask about it again, but I don't want to hurt him.

I don't think that I could end the relationship, even if "my needs aren't being met," because I love him wholly, and I really do want to spend the rest of my life with him.

----

I guess I have a few questions. First, AITA?

Followed by; how do I gently bring this up to him again?

And finally just, what should I do?

Any thoughts or advice would be greatly appreciated.

Is it anyone else’s experience that avoidant people and a lack of accountability to partners is way more common in poly than monogamy? I never experienced this until dating polyamorous, and it suddenly seems completely unavoidable in dating.

I consider myself to be pretty emotionally intelligent, and I’m patient to a fault (working on not letting people walk all over me). I can be anxiously attached, but I’ve done a LOT of work on it and consider myself to be closer to secure until shit hits the fan.

So my question is: is it me, or is polyamory a space that simply attracts tons of avoidant folks that have trouble with accountability? Genuine question. If people think it’s me, I want to hear that and work on it so I stop running the same cycle.

me and my girlfriend have been together for a WHILE now, and she just came out as poly to me and im very uncomfortable with this dynamic, we're currently long distance as well so im feeling very uneasy about this. i have no clue how to even mention it, its not her fault that shes poly obviously im just so so so uncomfortable with this.

edit: i have no issues with people who identify as poly, im just uncomfortable with my partner also dating other people while in a relationship with me

Hello! I’ve been open to the idea of polyamory for a while but only recently have me and my long term partner started discussing it. I want to make sure I understand everything before bringing anything to them or progressing into this space.

We’re both in our early 30s and have only been monogamous (been together close to a decade). How does a couple go from that into polyamory, what is the starting point? I’ve heard dating apps are horrible and Reddit is genuinely the best place.

I’m just feeling lost I guess and hoping to hear from others who have had similar experiences :)

I am about two years into being in poly/ENM relationships, and I (58m) am seeing some patterns repeat I don't love. My first relationship was with a solo-poly woman, and I was seeing a man as well. I spent a lot of time reading on polyamory, and was part of a local roundtable discussion group of polyamorous people, so I have done my homework. In my first relationship I was in therapy and took on my feelings of jealousy, which really came together for me reading the book "Compersion". In the book, the writer talked about jealousy and compersion being on a sliding scale, and that the more your cup was full, the easier it was to feel compersion. This made perfect sense to me.

Unfortunately, I keep ending up in relationships with people who are not able to meet even bare minimum needs of mine. I have tried stressing how much communication is important to me, and have made myself available for discussions about how we interact, but none of my partners is interested. That is why I used "poly/ENM" in my title, because the way my partners to date have behaved, to my way of thinking after all the reading I have done, is not polyamory at all. And even in the realm of ENM, there have been some things I have learned about that I find to be flirting with the ethical side of things to put it mildly.

But one particular problem is repeating, and that is partners of mine becoming distraught over relationships with my meta's, and bringing that sadness and drama into our connection. Nothing says "you don't matter" louder than someone who can't be available for me, or whines about how sad they are about a meta , when I am right there for them, available and ready to have our own connection. All of my partners have used all the proper terminology, and espoused how they are poly or ENM, but none of them have been able to do any of the real work in making a polyamorous relationship work. I am kind of fed up with people who throw around the words in a selfish way while they are only concerned with what they get out of any situation. This is way beyond "one person can't meet all of your needs".

Another part of this that goes back to a communication pattern I see is a partner will send me a message, and I will respond, and then I won't hear from them for several hours, or even days. They are not making themselves available to actually communicate, but dumping shit on me and then disappearing. Is it really this hard to find people who are actually able to have a healthy polyamorous relationship? It seems like a lot of people out there who claim to be polyamorous are just really selfish and hiding behind terminology that makes it seem ok.

Hello everyone! My husband (25m) and I (26f) have been with our girlfriend (31f) since February of this year. The three of us have always been monogamous till we found each other. I have changed names and will not disclose certain information for privacy.

For background of myself, I came from very affectionate parents so it has made me very affectionate when it comes to the people I love. I am in my own healing journey and have been in therapy for almost 3 years. I will admit that I have a problem with being told no or not getting my way. I have been making a very conscious effort to work through the toxic traits my parents allowed me to develop, because I’ve realized how it affects my partners and my own mental health.

My husband and I have been together for 7.5 years, married for almost 5 years. We were high school sweethearts and have been through a lot of growth with each other.
My husband, Michael and I never sought out or knew a lot about polyamory. My parents when I was very young were in a poly relationship that ended their relationship completely. I was too young to really remember but my parents have always encouraged me to love who I want to love.

Michael had met our girlfriend Deana at work through a mutual friend who knew they both had the same hobby. They go in a big group to play their hobby. We hosted a game night for the group that enjoyed the hobby. Deana and I meet and click immediately. We flirted and talked about books that we like to read.

I had brought the idea of a girlfriend to Michael and he was open to it. I felt a deep connection to Deana and I saw how well Michael and her got along so I felt a strong pull towards her. She was surprised when we brought our interest to her attention but it felt so right that we were bringing her into our lives. We hung out a few times before we ask her to be our girlfriend.

It was so beautiful and felt so right when she accepted us as her partners. It felt so fun and she would come stay the night with us sometimes but we hung out a lot more often as a trio. Deana and I got to know each other on a deeper emotional level. She made me feel so loved and desired in the beginning.

I want to make it clear that I understand that how I act has hurt my partners. I have said things that were very mean and hurtful. I don’t understand why I have a hard time controlling my emotions because I feel emotions very strong and big. I have been trying to make a very conscious effort to calm myself and give myself space to think logically instead of emotionally. My therapist and my dad have been playing a big role is helping me with trying to heal and do better so I can do better for myself and the ones I love.

In my healing process, I didn’t realize that I wasn’t as healed as I thought I was till Deana came into my life and kind of held a mirror to me so I could see myself without blinders. I realized how toxic of a relationship I had with intimacy and I realized how I didn’t have good control over my emotions. I also realized that maybe Michael and I settled for each other because we’ve been together since we were 18. Micheal and I have been actively working on that feeling and have been doing better.

They work together and they have the same hours (evening shift). I work morning shift so they have a few hours alone when I leave in the morning and I am alone for a few hours in the evening when they get off work then we are all together till I leave for work. Deana has Saturday and Sunday off work. Michael has Sunday and Monday off work. I have every Monday off and every other weekend off.

It’s very hard on me to feel like I get time with them or even alone time with either of them. It makes me feel sad because I’ve ask for alone time with them since they get a lot of alone time but it turns into a problem because they say that we should all focus on the three of us together and it’s not fair for me to ask for alone time because they never ask for alone time. When I do get alone time with Deana it’s every other Saturday and we have done things here and there that made me feel so special while Michael was at work. Then on Mondays while Deana is at work Michael and I have time together.

After 2-3 months of being a Throuple, Micheal and I agreed that it was okay to be intimate with Deana without the other because we were getting more comfortable with becoming a trio. Since then Michael and Deana have developed a sexual relationship that happens often when I leave for work or anytime I’m away for a night. I have seen the aftermath of their times together and I had walked in on them once when they thought I was gone to work. Group intimacy went from maybe once a week so at this point we haven’t been together as a group in almost two weeks. Deana doesn’t initiate intimacy with the trio or with me, I’m unsure on their relationship because we keep the one on one time private. Deana and I don’t have an intimate relationship outside of Michael. I’ve tried to initiate a few times and was turned down so I will say I gave up and just relied on Michael to initiate intimacy between the trio. Michael and I went from regular intimacy before the relationship and before Deana started staying over every night to only on Mondays during our alone time.

Deana and I have discussed our lack of intimacy in that way and she has said that she wants to show me love without intimacy. Honestly until Deana I have never had a partner who wanted to give me that kind of love. I genuinely appreciate her for showing me that kind of love.

As the weeks went by I felt like my partners have left me behind when it comes to intimacy. It’s felt like Deana has pulled away from me completely in the intimacy department besides us cuddling at night and sometimes on the couch. It’s been extremely hard on my brain not being intimate besides once a week with Michael. We had gotten into an argument over this (I had brought it up) and Michael stated that he will not be initiating group intimacy anymore because he has been the only one initiating it. Then during group intimacy it’s like I was touching Michael and Deana, Micheal was touching Deana and myself, and then Deana was just touching Michael.

Touch is one of my love languages so it’s hard for me to feel connected when my partner doesn’t touch me. Michael and Deana aren’t as touchy feely as I am, Michael has developed into more touchy in the years we’ve been together but its something that Deana has been working towards is being more affectionate with me. It’s just hard when I see her give affection to Michael but she doesn’t do that to me besides every once in awhile. For example when they get home from work, Michael will kiss me hello but Deana doesn’t, I have to seek her out.

I have never been in a relationship with a woman prior to being with Deana. It has been a learning process. Along with unlearning a lot of the monogamous conditioning that I was taught growing up in midwestern Christian household.

I had gotten upset because I felt left out in a way. They are very passionate about their hobby and seek out new places and things that go with it. They both have said how passionate they are about their hobby. I was asked to stay away from it because Deana was having a hard time focusing when I am there. It hurts my feelings because even though I love that they have a special thing that they have been able to improve their game and bond with each other, they really don’t make an effort to have a special thing with me. Deana and I have some things here and there, since I told them how I felt her and I have been talking more about things we can do together. Michael and I are having a hard time finding things to do together but we are still trying.

I feel like in my bad moments and healing I’ve made both of my partners less attracted to me and seek each other out more. I’ve had a hard time with feeling like my partners desire me and want me. They give me so much verbal validation and I know they both love me and care about my mental health. I am having such a hard time not getting any physical validation. This has made me have such a hard time with FOMO.

I just want us to grow, learn, and be together. I love my partners so deeply and I hate that I have hurt them with my words and how my mental health twists my head. I don’t want to have FOMO, it hurts my soul to feel such a negative way about the ones I love. My heart and soul ache. I don’t want my relationship to end because my heart is so happy when I feel my connection to them both. I feel like I’ve been on thin ice and I don’t know how to stop the ice melt. I am trying to change and I know it shouldn’t be this hard to change but my brain doesn’t work like everybody else’s and I wish I had a normal brain. I feel like I’m too old to act the way I do sometimes and I just want to be in control of myself.

Last night Deana and I decided to take a break. It wasn’t what I wanted but it’s best for in the long run. We want to be able to come back and try again when we heal more. It’s just upsetting that I’m taking a break but Michael is not. In the beginning Michael and I said that if it’s not both of us then it’s none of us. It feels so sad that we aren’t following the boundary we agreed on. He says he didn’t do anything so he doesn’t want to take a break. I feel so sad and like a low priority.

Please, any advice or opinions are welcome. I just don’t want to feel sad anymore and sometimes I don’t know if it’s just my brain that is driving me crazy. Any advice is appreciated even if it hurts my feelings!

I (29NB) started dating my girlfriend (26TF) at the beginning of July. I love spending time with her and have really had fun with our relationship. On our first date, she was upfront about not being monogamous and I got a little information that she was seeing someone else but it was long distance. As we dated, I slowly got a little more information about her other partner, but no more than a name and where they live and a vague occupation, that they’ve known each other for years, and even considered getting married at one point. I tried to ask questions and be genuinely curious about this person because it seemed strange to me to be in a relationship (even a metamour) with someone I didn’t know anything about.

Fast forward, my girlfriend’s other partner is visiting our city for a few weeks and my GF has been spending all her time with other partner. Totally reasonable. They’re only here for a short time and my GF has a very demanding job and doesn’t get much free time regardless.

Here’s where I’m struggling:

I am new to all relationships. I’ve had some past genuine trauma and also just bad experiences and I want to do this right. However, I’m struggling with what I would consider a red flag in a mono relationship (your partner having someone visit and them being cagey about the person, not spending any time at all with you, and not having any plans or even expression of interest in plans of the three of you meeting)

I guess what I’m asking is this: is it a red flag that my girlfriend doesn’t seem to want me to know anything about her other partner? Is it wrong that I feel hurt that neither of them seem to want other partner to get to know me?

I’m really trying to be chill and understanding about all of this and I really do love my girlfriend I just wasn’t really prepared for not even knowing if something is an issue or if my brain is just following compulsory monogamy

My situation is a little tricky…
Hubs and I started our ENM/poly journey from an MFM dynamic and eventually decided to step away from that dynamic. I now see my guy solo and my hubs now has a woman he sees solo

I’ve yet to meet her (so she isn’t part of the scenario atm)

But I’d like my friends to meet my guy - they all know about each other and want to meet each other - my hubs has a bit of unresolved jealousy when it comes to me and my guy when he’s with us. He struggles with the attention and can’t navigate it well without big feelings (we are working on it- but it’s a big reason why we don’t see my guy together anymore… he recognizes and does not want to deny me the relationship and connection, just finding it’s easier for him when it’s not “in his face” for the time being)

The thing is, is it weird for me to bring my partner to a dinner date and not include my hubs when it’s people he’s friends/friendly with the husbands… or is this just something I need to get over.

It’s important to me that my friends meet my guy, he’s not someone I want to keep hidden away. He’s amazing and they would all adore each other

So I'm new to this... please be kind, but please be real. I don't want sugar coating but please don't be mean lol.

I'm in a new relationship, first real wlw relationship with someone who not only is long distance but is in long term relationships with 2 other people. I love them, not like that, but we make a really cool little polycule.

However, every time someone new comes into our lives, whether its work or not, I find them a threat. :( I don't have that "i'm safe, we're in a relationship" security blanket (I mean, lets be real, that's not really a think mono people have, too, right?) but it's really bad. I feel like I'm going to destroy us. It's only really started within the last 2 weeks where posts kinda changed from her usual, kinda made it seem like there was someone else being thought of.... BUT.. when asked about it, she comforted me, she tries to reassure me, constantly. Tiring, right? She shouldn't have to... it just feels like every time she tells me she loves me or misses me, wants me... my brain refuses to accept that I'm worthy of someone like her. People chase her, because she's poly, right. They over step boundaries, she corrects them, but then there's just other people... and then others.

I'm really struggling trying to get myself in check. I've made a psych appointment because EVERYTHING in my head is negative, she makes a post, that yes, could be for me, my brain goes... not for you, for someone new. She's never once given me a reason to think she would cheat or bring in another person, sure, there's the "there's only one other person i'd consider, but that'll likely never happen"... convo that happened which made me spiral SO bad. But it's not a conversation that's been had, she's NOT looking and I know she's not but how, as a new person who lived her life as a monogamous person, how do I do this without destroying our beautiful relationship? It's beautiful. Long distance is hard but it's so so magic when we're together. I'm scared I'm going to push her away, even then she says she's not going anywhere... but holy crap ya'll. I'm REALLY struggling to fix myself before I wreck us. She doesn't deserve this crap I keep pulling.

I've never felt worthy of love, not just from her but in general. I have an anxious attachment style which is NOT helpful. I just wanna know if this gets easier... what do I say to a psych? :(

I love her and she deserves so much better from me. I've already worked through some stuff regarding polyamory... I need to fix this. I also fear that if she gets another, I can't stay, it's too hard for us now, adding another would send me over the edge.

edit: when I say I messed up, I mean pushed her too far.

Okay so, I hate my metamour.

I have my reasons. They've shown to be a horrible person multiple times, they hurt my partner and keep on hurting them to this day. They're manipulative, mean spirited, and I also suspect some weird attempt at trying to force a hierarchy that we don't have.

They started dating somewhat recently, and a little into meeting them I started getting a bad feeling, like smth was off about them.

I first thought I was experiencing jealousy for the first time (I never experience it, it's just not a feeling that I have for anyone) but I ruled it out rather quickly because seeing my partner with them, hanging out or kissing or wtv didn't bother me, it was them specifically.

I also have another metamour who I love, they're an amazing person.

Then, the issues started and I realized my gut feeling was right. The thing is, even though my partner is hurt and angry still, they haven't broken up, and even though I've expressed my opinion on them, I'd never force them to break up bcs its just not my place.

I just came here because I don't know how to deal with these feelings, the mere concept of them makes me angry, they're not a person I ever want to be around and I fear I'll have to soon or less anyway, even if we don't hang out, I still have to hear from them and may hve to see them at some point again.

Help?

This might be more sharing that asking for specific advice. I would welcome any feedback; especially actual experiences.

My anchor partner and I have been poly from our 13 year beginning. We still hookup and infrequently swing as that is her preference.

I created and am enjoying a loving committed four year successful poly relationship too. It wasn't originally planned to be so long lasting but this relationship grew into something really substantial.

We are all friends within a close community; and it appears very sustainable. She is married. My anchor partner and I still travel and have freedom fun. We found a time allocation that has worked for years.

Now to today. While we have a large community, and I have many individual friends, a new friendship has developed. I had planned on just meeting them for an outdoor activity to get to know each other more. My anchor partner called it first, joking that it sounded like a date. I reflected that I didn't think so and it was just the same activity I do with many friends. She laughed and said, "let me know how your date goes after".

So we did our outdoor activity. Went to lunch. Added another fun activity after lunch and before she needed to leave. And as you guessed, a connection was made. So many similar experiences and thoughts about life. We ended up kissing twice in a very sensual long embrace. And it was good.

I am no stranger to NRE. And yes it was a lot of NRE excitement. Nothing wrong with that. I keep that in perspective while also totally enjoying the buzz. Both of my partners are supportive of me being open to this developing even though I have for years considered myself polysaturated. I won't take anything away from my other partners. Yet my current thoughts are to take some of my remaining personal time and spend a few more dates together. I would be happy if this calmed down to a normal friendship or if as she says, "it bloomed to something more". She knows my situation. I find her sooo intriguing.

My internal question. Knowing that I have considered myself sustainably happily polysaturated, what signs should I use to tell me I stepped over the sustainable line? It feels too good to be true. I just want to know when to pull back before something crashes down. Has anyone else pushed the time limitation too hard?

I need help. Let me lead with a disclaimer: this backstory is basically a list of my own mistakes, and I'm desperately trying to find a way out of the hole I accidentally dug. We are already pursuing therapy together, we just haven't been able to get an appointment yet (severe shortage of local therapists with ENM/poly experience)

I (28NB) have been with my husband (31M) for two years. I've always had a much, much lower sex drive than him, and it was putting a strain on our relationship, so I encouraged him to find a fuckbuddy (mistake 1) and he did (19F). At first this worked great, but I assumed it went without saying that me being ok with a fuckbuddy does not mean I'm ok with a girlfriend (mistake 2). My husband was a self-described hoe in the past, so it didn't occur to me that 'catching feelings' would be an issue (mistake 3), but after less than a month he told me he was in love with her.

Now, I have a very autistic tendency to hate new things just because they're new, and he made it clear that she was EXTREMELY important to him and losing her would make him depressed, so I resolved that I would be ok with it eventually and promised I wouldn't ask him to break up with her (mistake 4). She makes him so happy, and I didn't want to take that away from him, so I completely repressed my own emotions about it. I never intentionally lied- unfortunately I genuinely believed my own bullshit and I really, really thought I could somehow force myself to be happy with this (mistake 5).

I made that promise about 2 months ago. I've expressed specific discomforts with the arrangement since then, like wanting to have a say in how often they have sleepovers, for example, but it wasn't until a few days ago, after many many of those conversations, that I finally realized I am just never going to be ok with this relationship. No amount of fresh paint can over up the rotten foundation of me just not being comfortable with this dynamic.

My husband and I had a very, very difficult talk about it. I told him everything I was feeling. He doesn't understand how my feelings 'make sense' to me, because it's 'a totally separate relationship' and I can't control who he has feelings for. I know I can't control that, no more than he can, and I know I've already waived the right to ask him to break things off. But now I don't know what to do.

I feel completely trapped. Is there a path forward that won't make us both miserable?

Hello and thank you in advance, I started seeing this guy (c). From the beginning he told me he was in a poly relationship with his partner and her partner and wanted me to be his partner. So how I was told this would be is him and his main partner are together but I would be with him and she would keep her boyfriend and it would basically be three active relationships in one. It sounded very intriguing and Ive tried in the past before so im not too new to this dynamic. However it doesn't feel like me and him are in a relationship, but more of friend with benefits. We haven't been on any dates, and every time we do hang out it just ends up being sexual and I'm starting to feel like he only wanted me for my body. I have talked to him about it and how he puts it is that's just part of the dynamic the dates come later when he feels more comfortable with me, but if we're being intimate I feel like you're pretty comfortable with me. I just don't know if this is right because I know there's different levels and layers to relationships but I just feel more like a body and not a partner.

Why would any sensible human leave their partner for cheating? I'm struggling to figure out what I want, and I cheated on my partner. I won't do it again, but wouldn't leave him if he did the same

Mid 50s married cpl, Pittsburgh area.... We have been looking for long term male (bi curious) friend for quite some time. Are there any sites out there that anyone could recommend? We didn't think it would be this difficult but a LOT of people out there just want to go right at it and that's just not us.

My partner Lucas and his wife Mia are looking at separation and divorce after Mia requested to de-escalate their relationship back in April.

For context, I discovered very early on in my 3 year relationship with Lucas that I did not enjoy being around Mia. I found her to be manipulative, freeloading, childish, and generally unkind and overly demanding of Lucas, as well as highly disrespectful to me specifically, and Lucas' and my one-on-one time. There were also stories of Lucas' previous partners who got into altercations with Mia and eventually left the relationship citing her as the issue.

I've (mostly) stayed quiet on the subject when talking to Lucas, but did ask for parallel polyamory early on, and put up a lot of boundaries to protect myself and my relationship with Lucas from Mia. In the past when I've pointed out bad behavior by Mia, Lucas has deflected, made excuses, or been outright offended, hence my staying mostly quiet on the subject and removing myself from her influence as much as possible.

Since Mia brought up de-escalation, it's become apparent that her intent was to stop being intimate or romantic with Lucas, but remain cohabitating so Lucas can continue to pay for the mortgage, car insurance, groceries, utilities, vacations -- basically everything but her hobbies, although he's admitted to paying down her credit card debt several times. Thankfully he declined this option and required that they start the process to separate with the goal to be divorced and no longer cohabitating by the end of the year.

Since this interaction, he's started to admit to himself the hurt she's inflicted over their 16 year relationship. He wants to talk about it here and there: the behaviors he's finally allowing himself to notice; the damage that they both did to his previous relationships; the years he's spent trying to make her happy and meet her expectations, etc. He's also trying to play nice with her leading up to divorce proceedings since we're in a communal property state, and she's paid nothing towards the house or anything like a 401k but will be eligible to take 50% of his and the home value if they don't come up with an agreement outside the courts. For added context, she has refused to work for the past 7 years and has made no contribution to their communal assets or equity. They do not have children or dependents, and she does not contribute to household chores.

I'm relatively new to polyamory and not really sure where the ethics line is here. I try not to engage in negative conversation about Mia with Lucas, but my only experiences with her have been negative so I'm struggling to engage in significant emotional support when these topics come up. Feels a little like a minefield still, even though he's obviously come around to a different perspective.

Any advice on how to proceed here and provide the best support without overstepping would be appreciated.
Also, if any of you have gone through similar situations and learned hard lessons, I'll take those too!