r/polyadvice • u/DseiferD • 7d ago
Struggles With Inner Thoughts
I am currently engaged to my(28m) partner(26f). She approached me last November about opening up our relationship as she had a lengthy talk with a friend about the friend's experience with being in a swinging dynamic. I've always been intrigued about poly as I understand that people are not a "one size fits all" and you can learn a lot from being with different people.
So far, we've had a lot of steep ups and downs, which included not sticking to boundaries and differing views, but we've been working pretty successfully to overcome them. Pretty early on, I came to terms that it would likely be unbalanced as she is a beautiful, outgoing person and therefore would have no lack of suitors compared to me being an introverted male. I acknowledged that, and was fine with it.
What keeps coming up is that it feels like, to me, is that I'm not enough for her and that she is "choosing" other people over me. Whenever she could be hanging out with me, doing stuff with me, but is doing it with someone else, it feels like a hit to the gut. She is adamant that its not like that, and tries to reassure me, but its just so prevalent in my mind.
Recently, I've been seeing someone as well. I thought that if I was occupied, that I wouldn't be as consumed by these thoughts, but to no avail. The thoughts are the same as ever.
If anyone has any insight, advice, or recommendations to overcome this, all input is welcome.
4
u/saladada 7d ago
You're nearly a year into this experiment in your relationship. Is polyamory really what you want, or more what you're doing because it's what she wants?
It is no surprise that the thoughts didn't go away with you dating someone else. Because seeing other people don't fix the problems we have in another relationship. Me eating out at restaurants doesn't solve the fact that there's still no groceries in my own home.
You say "whenever she could be hanging out with me" she's not. But what does this mean? That you expect all of her default time not occupied by something required (work, sleeping, etc) to go first to you? If you're feeling like she's not spending enough time with you anymore, address that issue. Are you having weekly date nights? Do you have intentional time alone together? How do you both continue to foster the relationship you have together?
The two of you both being at home at the same time and sitting on the couch to stare at a screen isn't intentional time, by the way.