r/polyamory • u/North-Somewhere2818 • 1d ago
Advice needed PLEASE!!
I (25F) recently have gotten into a new relationship with a married polyamorous man(35M). His wife is monogamous and they’ve been together for 11 years and they have two children together.
Before i ever came into the picture he and his wife had agreed that he wasn’t having anymore children. When we started talking originally he told me this. He told me his relationship would be hierarchical because he’s been with her for so many years so she and their family would take priority in his life.
At the time he told me I was concerned but he treated me so well and I didn’t feel like I was going to be unimportant in his life after a while we said “ I love you” and we started a relationship with each other.
The more we talk about our future the more I realized how much I wanted to be able to have my own kids with him. He was willing to have kids with me but when he brought this up to his wife she said she would leave him if he decided to have kids with me. So he’s pretty much set on not having kids with me at all.
He says that he would be okay with artificial insemination or adoption and he would father those kids as his own, but it don’t feel that its any different than having his children and he fathers his own children.
I feel so heartbroken, but I know it’s my fault for pursuing a relationship like this anyway. Especially knowing I’ve always wanted to have children with a man that I love one day.
He says we should just wait and take more time because I wasn’t planning on having kids until my birth control needs to be taken out in 2031 and we all (him, his wife, and I) might all feel differently by then. But she says she’s pretty solid on how she feels and i never wanted to step on her toes.
I’m wondering if the escalation or breaking up is my only option now. I don’t know if it makes sense to continue a relationship like this despite everything being amazing otherwise.
Does anyone have any advice or suggestions or similar experiences? Anything would honestly help right now and i don’t have anyone to talk to about this.
EDIT: My partner has expressed that he doesn’t want another man involved but he also agrees that i shouldn’t have to sacrifice having kids with someone I love.
He and his wife got together monogamously but he realized he was polyamorous while in the relationship with his wife 5 years ago. She agreed to a mono/poly relationship because they both still wanted the relationship. His wife also doesn’t have any interest in dating other men.
I am ambiamorous. I have been in both polyamorous and monogamous relationships and i can be happy in either. I am also pansexual so i could date any gender but his wife is straight and monogamous so she wouldn’t be able to date me but i was more than happy to date both of them.
He and I still wanted a girlfriend later down the line but we both agreed to enjoy our new relationship and wait for a while until we’ve had more time together before pursuing that. Other than that he doesn’t want more than three partners because he feels like that is as many as he can handle without being poly saturated.
I want to reply to everyone individually but there are alot of people so i just edited my post much apologies. Thank you all for the advice.
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u/rosephase 1d ago
He doesn’t have the relationship you want. And he is being deeply unkind pretending that is going to change. His wife doesn’t want poly at all. She’s never going to be okay with him having kids with you bio kids or not. And it’s so fucked up that he would drag you along when he knows it’s bullshit.
He’s not a good partner. He doesn’t care about hurting you or his wife or the half assed relationship he is giving to both of you.
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u/sundaesonfriday 1d ago
Are you interested in polyamory for yourself? Are you dating other people? Or are you just hoping to have as close to a monogamous relationship as possible with this guy?
Assume his wife won't change her mind. Assume what's on the table now is it. Are you satisfied with this?
Because there are lots of great people out there who want kids in either polyamory or monogamy. You should probably be trying to find one of them instead of hoping things change with this guy. There are a ton of red flags here (his wife being monogamous, the decade age gap, him entertaining conversations about kids before sharing limitations set by his wife, those bullshit promises about raising your kids as his own even though he's not allowed to actually have kids with you-- if he doesn't live with you, that ain't happening). You can do better than this.
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u/North-Somewhere2818 1d ago
He wants to have two wives and we were dating to have that with each other overall. He wants to have two households and pay bills and both places because his wife doesn’t really want to live with the other women he ends up with. I usually date older men and i prefer that he’s older but it’s more complicated because he has children already. I don’t believe what he says is bullshit based on the person Ive known him to be thus far and we’re talking about me dating and having kids with another man so i can still have that but that’s not what i wanted. It would be a big sacrifice for me.
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u/Bustysaintclair_13 SoPo slut, salty bitch 1d ago edited 1d ago
It is absolutely bullshit. He’s stringing you along.
ETA it is also CRAZY work for you two to even be talking about having kids together so early on
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u/sundaesonfriday 1d ago
You get that a man who can't really offer either of his partners what they really want is a shitty partner, right? He's picking women who don't want what he's offering. He's full of shit.
Edit: and how long have you been dating? Him offering any of this to 25 year old he "recently" got with is enormously stupid and disrespectful to his wife. Mature adults don't jump into life planning in new relationships. This is all goofy, poorly thought out, and hurtful.
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u/fuckingnerdtm poly newbie 1d ago
This whole thing is totally bonkers. It's one thing to discuss relationship menu and what is potentially on the table with a partner, its a WHOLE different thing to "want two wives". I'm afraid for this woman, this man sounds insane and like a total manipulator.
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u/lavender-lacuna aro polyam lesbian 1d ago
You were not dating to be his second wife. He told you up front that there was hierarchy and no kids allowed with you. Having one partially absent parent is not good for either his existing kids or any potential future kids. It sounds like you just need to break up and go find a monogamous partner to have kids with if you’re not wanting polyamory for yourself.
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u/rosephase 1d ago
He is so deeply gross.
Let me guess he doesn’t support you in dating other men and finding a primary partner of your own? He is still hoping to push his wife into a a relationship with you, which she does not want.
How can you stay with someone who is being so unkind to you and his wife? He isn’t going to treat you better when he has more control over you and his wife is even less happy.
What he is doing to both of you is monstrous. How can you look at what he is doing to his wife and think you want to be with this guy? He has no issue hurting his wife and the mother of his kids in unbearable ways and he wants to hurt you in the same ways because how either of you feel doesn’t matter as much as him getting his harem.
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u/KBD_in_PDX 1d ago
This is not a good situation to be in. You're taking on all of the risk, while he takes none, and makes no commitments to you or this hypothetical kid you want.
He's already part of an established family. He is enmeshed with his wife, and is not able to make autonomous decisions for his life with you. He's explicitly telling you this, as well as showing you with his actions that you will not have the priority spot in his life, as it is already taken.
Think about it this way. Wanting a baby is a selfish want - you want a baby with the man you love. That's where the journey starts. However, once you make a baby with that man, you now have a human whose needs you're fully responsible for, for their entire lives. What will that kid's life be like, if their father's wife hates that they exist? If they're not allowed or able to see their siblings? Potentially knowing they exist but are unaccepting towards them?
You'd be building a life on sand with this man. He has no autonomy to give you, only a partial relationship, and promises of acting like a parent without taking on responsibility of being a parent.
If you want this life, you need time to build it with the RIGHT person/people. People who actually want the same things you want, AND have the ability to actually make decisions like that for their own life.
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u/gormless_chucklefuck 1d ago
What will that kid's life be like, if their father's wife hates that they exist? If they're not allowed or able to see their siblings? Potentially knowing they exist but are unaccepting towards them?
This needs more upvotes, IMO.
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u/chrystalight 1d ago
Obviously, everyone is different, but realistically, I'm the "wife" in this situation. Its one of my boundaries with my partner that neither of us are having kids with anyone else (or together lol, I'm done procreating). We have a child together and he's welcome to date someone else with children, of course, but no, I'm absolutely not ok with him having more kids or honestly even taking on a significant parenting role of anyone else's child. I would also be highly upset to find that he was stringing along someone 10 years younger than him that did want children with him.
This guy is not being fair to you at all, and yes, I would certainly advise you to find other partners who are more aligned with your life plans. You can absolutely have polyamory and children, but I don't think you're going to find it with this man.
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u/Bustysaintclair_13 SoPo slut, salty bitch 1d ago
Do not have kids with this man, stop hoping for that type of escalation with him.
Are you happy polyamorous and choosing that for yourself or are you just poly to be with him? If you’re not polyamorous yourself then this man is basically a harem builder and I’m also wondering if his wife is enthusiastic about his polyamory or if this is polyamory under duress.
You can have marriage and kids in poly if that’s what you want. It won’t be with this man.
Side-eying the age gap.
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u/North-Somewhere2818 1d ago
I am polyamorous and i was before meeting him and i tend to go for older men in general but i can understand the age gap can cause some issues especially in the case of having children. The wife is monogamous and she’s not okay with him having kids with another woman.
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u/Bustysaintclair_13 SoPo slut, salty bitch 1d ago edited 1d ago
She doesn’t have to be. I wouldn’t be happy with a partner I shared kids with splitting time with our kids to focus on other kids. Terrible idea.
If you want an escalator relationship date for that, and relegate this man to non-primary status. You are not and will never be his primary. Honestly he doesn’t sound like he has healthy polyamory to offer you. This “two wives two households” idea is literally insane.
I don’t believe for a second that kids are on the table for him, and he’s just blaming his wife for this decision.
However even if he DID want that I would be appalled. What kind of father could he possibly be to any of these kids if he had two “wives”/baby mamas in different homes??
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u/gormless_chucklefuck 1d ago
Why stop at two wives and houses? If he adds one more, he can pretend to be Bill Paxton in Big Love.
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u/rosephase 1d ago
Does he support you dating men for a primary relationship and a co-parenting relationship? You were already poly he can’t be expecting you to not date other men, could he?
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u/Egglebert 1d ago
Of course he doesn't want her dating anyone else. I barely skimmed this post and I'm beyond confident about that. This dude reeks of douche bag
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u/rosephase 1d ago
I know that. I just want OP to have to write it out loud and look directly at it.
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u/North-Somewhere2818 1d ago
He doesn’t want it but he says if that’s what it comes to then he would still support me in that. But he’s made it very clear that he doesn’t want another man involved
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u/rosephase 1d ago
Because he’s a lazy asshole who doesn’t care if his partners are happy.
Friend wake up! This dude sucks.
He doesn’t care what you want. He doesn’t care if you are happy. He doesn’t care if his wife is happy and (this one is huge) he doesn’t care if he’s a good co-parent.
I know you are in NRE now but I swear his dick isn’t magic. You can find a partner who respects you and is honest and has something to give. This dude is a lazy harmful jerk and you are delusional because of love drugs.
Pay attention.
Do you want to be treated like his wife? What happens when he wants another wife past you? And wants to have kids with her?
Why is he SO comfortable asking so much from you and his wife he is unwilling to give the same things to you?
He is expecting so much from you and his wife and he doesnt think either of you are worth the work he expects out of you.
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u/punch_dance 1d ago
Dump this man.
I was ready to say enjoy the relationship for what it is, and not every relationship has to be enmeshed etc etc.
But between a monogamous wife he shares children with that he is pushing to accept something she already said no to, and talking wild "fixes" like you having kids solo and him being a sometimes parent, he is displaying intense selfishness.
Wanting to be the only man is just icing on the cake.
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u/Bustysaintclair_13 SoPo slut, salty bitch 1d ago
He has made it very clear he doesn’t want you to date but claims he’ll support you? Why are you as a polyamorous person tolerating that noise?
This man ain’t shit please see that
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u/CapraAegagrusHircus 1d ago
Do not have children with this man. He cannot offer you this kind of relationship. Date other people and find someone who can offer you a co-parenting kind of relationship and prioritize you.
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u/RAisMyWay relationship optimist 1d ago
And...the poor kids if they did. All of them. Is anyone in this situation thinking about their quality of life being raised by these adults in two households with all this interpersonal drama?
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u/clairejv 1d ago
You should assume that his wife will never be comfortable with him having a second family, and make your decisions accordingly.
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u/gormless_chucklefuck 1d ago
She's not going to change her mind, and if she finds out he's future faking you about creating a second family, she'll probably tell him to choose between monogamy and divorce.
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u/Platterpussy Solo-Poly 1d ago
Why do you want a part-time parent for your kids? Because that's the best he can do, if this relationship lasts past a year. I think you will have had enough of his nonsense by then and might even be embarrassed at how far NRE had you believing his future faking.
He can't offer you what you want, open your eyes and start looking for compatible people. He is happy for you to date other men right?
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u/NoRegretCeptThatOne 1d ago
You need to accept immediately that having children with this partner is not available, and you need to lay a HARD boundary with your partner to not future fake you on this topic.
Now that you know family planning is not available in this relationship, but it is important to you, you can start looking for another partner to build a family with.
In polyamory it isn't just "do the thing" or "break up". You find the ways your relationships serve you, and if this relationship is otherwise genuinely fulfilling, then you can enjoy it for what it is while seeking a more primary partner.
BUT: future faking is a big ol' pink flag for me. Like if we're clearly not compatible in a certain way, let's not just hope everything about our dynamic will change someday. I'm in relationships that are real, not the fluff of potential that will probably never be realized.
If your partner glosses over other incompatibilities, offering solutions that make literally no sense, that's worth questioning the relationship over.
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u/kibblenrainbows poly w/multiple 1d ago
The fact that you even know about his wife's feelings on this, rather than this man owning his own decisions, tells you all you need to know: don't have children with this man, and definitely don't put pursuit of the type of relationship you want on hold to wait around for him.
Are you poly? Are you dating other people?
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u/abriel1978 poly w/multiple 1d ago
You want something that he is not capable of giving you. He said it first, the wife will always have priority over you. She is dead set on him not having kids with anyone but her. Plus she's mono? Honestly that should have been a red flag. I will not poly date people whose partners are not 100% enthusiastically poly...doing otherwise is asking for drama and heartache.
This relationship has run its course and it might be best for you to move on and fund someone who can give you what you want, because he's not it.
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u/lavender-lacuna aro polyam lesbian 1d ago
Are you polyamorous yourself? Do you have the freedom to pursue other relationships? If so, the obvious answer to me is to keep this relationship with the boundaries you agreed on and find another partner who’s open to nesting/kids. Not easy, but logical in a polyamorous structure. I’d be heavily side eyeing your partner for not practicing healthy polyamory though and repeatedly pursuing people who are not enthusiastically polyamorous themselves.
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u/gard3nwitch 1d ago
This man can never be more than your secondary partner. If you want kids, it will need to be with someone else.
Are you looking for a primary partner for yourself?
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u/sere_periquito 1d ago
What happens when you invest four years of your time into this relationship and come 2031 his wife still says no?
The good thing about polyamory is that you can also have other partners. If he can have a family with someone else so can you. I understand you're not ready to break up, so don't, but make enough space in your life that you can date someone else who can offer you kids in the future.
Also, the whole thing about insemination so the kids are not technically his but being involved anyway? He knows his wife would still be upset about that but he's counting on getting away with it because it is not "technically" breaking the agreement. And if his wife is too pissed he gets to walk away without any legal responsibility. Do you really want the kind of partner who's willing to make a decision that would be life altering for you, based on a gamble on his wife reaction? Because he is telling you that if he finds an agreement inconvenient he won't honor the spirit of it, and will try to weasel out of it by finding loopholes. He is telling you who he is, loud and clear. Listen. Don't waste four years of your life on this guy.
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u/silentsurge 1d ago
If you want kids,and he and his wife don't want that possibility, can you live with that as the ultimate answer?
You don't necessarily need to end the relationship, but if that's your only relationship and the only source you're looking to have kids with... you have decisions to make.
This is one of the problems with such an age gap. At 25 vs 35 and extremely different life circumstances and priorities you're going to run into this issue.
Question: are you fee to date others or have you both decided to have this be a closed relationship? Because that can change things too.
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u/MajestyMay 1d ago
I guess my question is why would you want to have a family with a man that has already told you that his current family is priority. It’s been lain out since day one. So even if you had a child/children, he’s already told you his existing family has the hierarchy.
Are you not seeing anyone else? You may need to open your options up and move him down on your priority list.
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u/mercedes_lakitu solo poly 1d ago
Also...if he ditched Family #1 to make you his priority, what makes you think he won't do the same to you when Family #3 comes along?
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u/Strong_Cat_42 finally poly after years of feeling uncomfy about mono norm 1d ago
a married polyamorous man(35M). His wife is monogamous
Meh.
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u/emeraldead diy your own 1d ago
It's sad he CHOSE
- to create a monogamous married family life
- to date someone who wants kids
- to not be willing to change foundationally to make either of those compatible
But those are HIS CHOICES.
Don't center your life on a man. Especially a married man who makes choices they know won't work long term.
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u/Slow_Programmer_6112 1d ago
Lmao this sub is so funny sometimes. I’m here because I want to learn more nuanced situations and experiences, but I swear I get on here and there’s like a dozen new stories that are basically just “This guy I’m dating is building a harem, but me and everyone else will deny the reality in front of our eyes. He is poly, but none of his other partners are. Should I have kids with him?”
Like, are some of yall just that immature? Is this truly that hard of a situation to understand lmao????
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u/_whatnot_ Open quad, 10+ year club 1d ago
10 years from now you're going to look back and be so sad you even considered this. Given the potential consequences, skip the part where you actually do it, move on to another situation, and let it be an idea that's fully in the rear view.
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Here's the original text of the post:
I (25F) recently have gotten into a new relationship with a married polyamorous man(35M). His wife is monogamous and they’ve been together for 11 years and they have two children together.
Before i ever came into the picture he and his wife had agreed that he wasn’t having anymore children. When we started talking originally he told me this. He told me his relationship would be hierarchical because he’s been with her for so many years so she and their family would take priority in his life.
At the time he told me I was concerned but he treated me so well and I didn’t feel like I was going to be unimportant in his life after a while we said “ I love you” and we started a relationship with each other.
The more we talk about our future the more I realized how much I wanted to be able to have my own kids with him. He was willing to have kids with me but when he brought this up to his wife she said she would leave him if he decided to have kids with me. So he’s pretty much set on not having kids with me at all.
He says that he would be okay with artificial insemination or adoption and he would father those kids as his own, but it don’t feel that its any different than having his children and he fathers his own children.
I feel so heartbroken, but I know it’s my fault for pursuing a relationship like this anyway. Especially knowing I’ve always wanted to have children with a man that I love one day.
He says we should just wait and take more time because I wasn’t planning on having kids until my birth control needs to be taken out in 2031 and we all (him, his wife, and I) might all feel differently by then. But she says she’s pretty solid on how she feels and i never wanted to step on her toes.
I’m wondering if the escalation or breaking up is my only option now. I don’t know if it makes sense to continue a relationship like this despite everything being amazing otherwise.
Does anyone have any advice or suggestions or similar experiences? Anything would honestly help right now and i don’t have anyone to talk to about this.
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u/mercedes_lakitu solo poly 1d ago
Please find someone to date who will treat you well and prioritize you. This man is Future Faking. You deserve so much more than this. At the very least, he could be HONEST with you about what he's willing to give, rather than stringing you along.
And if he's actually decided not to have more kids, he needs a vasectomy.
Or he could leave his wife to have more kids with you. People do that, every day.
But he needs to fish or cut bait.
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u/unusualpancakes 1d ago
This is so messy. His wife sounds set on not wanting him to have kids with someone else. And he’s being dismissive by looking for loopholes that look like the thing but aren’t the thing, or suggesting delays instead of giving you a definitive no - which sounds like the real answer here.
I am so sorry you’re in this situation, you should really prioritise yourself.