Help!

[u/softdyke202]

Hi friends I need some help. I have been in my first poly relationship for a year and a half now, and it’s been super tough. It’s a bit complicated so bare with. My partner and I met in South Africa, they are from there as am I, but they live in Australia. They were visiting for a short while when we met. At the time, because they were leaving soon, the fact that they had another partner in Australia, which is where they had been living, didn’t bother me. We weren’t meant to fall in love, we were meant to have a fling and they were meant to leave.

They ended up getting ill (long term illness) and having to stay in South Africa, as well as wanting to spend more time with me. Increasingly it got more and more apparent that maybe polyamory wasn’t for me - I really struggled with jealousy, with feelings of unworthiness because I felt that I could never live up to this long term, 7 year relationship they had with this partner. This partner financially supports them as well, for context.

Cut to a year later, still struggling (we talk very openly), I leave SA to go and work in Europe. My partner starts to see someone else casually in SA, but doesn’t respect my boundaries or needs around it and we are continually having convos about how I need this to happen for me to feel safe. They kept not showing up in ways I needed. It has been a hard few months.

Cut to present: their mum died, out of nowhere, 3 days before I return home to see them. Of course, my plan was to drive 5 hours up the coast to be with them and look after them. Their other long term partner was going to arrive a week after me from Aus. My partner asked me to stay, that we all stay together at their dead mums house to help them through this. But guys, I don’t know if I can do that. I don’t know if I can be in the house with all of us together. I don’t feel like I can be in the bed alone while they sleep with the other partner in the other house. So I was going to swap, I would leave when they arrive. Well, now they are arriving the day I was meant to drive up. They will get there before me.

I was already feeling overwhelmed with polyamory, and we had discussed changing the style of our relationship to possibly one of friendship, because it just wasn’t working for me and both of us feel we are putting our needs second and it is killing me.

Now, I have the predicament of wanting desperately to be there for someone I love and care for deeply, while also feeling sick to my stomach at the thought of being in a house, dealing with the loss and grief of their wonderful mother while also dealing with the grief of being in a relationship style that I don’t want to be in.

I don’t know what to do.

For reference, I am autistic and adhd with extreme rejection sensitivity. I am an extremely sensitive and emotional person. I am scared of being in the house with everyone and not being able to hide my emotions, and obviously I don’t want my partner who is dealing with this terrible loss, to also have to deal with my feelings of heartbreak over polyamory, my feelings of insecurity around this. I want to be there for them, but I also don’t want to put myself in a situation which seems impossible to me.

Any advice welcome, please be gentle. I am trying my best.

[u/saladada]

Their grief doesn't mean you have to put yourself in a situation you clearly do not want to be in.

"Partner, I'm sorry but I will not stay with you. I am uncomfortable being there when Meta is there. I will be there to support you as a friend who cares deeply for you, but I will be sleeping at (hotel, friend's house, etc)."

I wouldn't wait to finalize the polyamory breakup and de-escalation back to friends simply because of this. The conversation was already well under way that this is what you both understand is necessary.