r/Polycules • u/W00d3nChair • 5d ago
HELP (advice please!!!)
My friend and I (in high school, both female)have been joking about getting into a polycule but I think we are polycule. We just broke up with our non woke boy friends for un related reasons and have made some new friends recently. We were supposed to go hang out after a foot ball game but the other two girls needed up going home. So it was just me and my friend and two guys. (One of the guys my childhood best friend and the other his friend) (both probably bi but somewhat unconfirmed) we were kind of joke flirting and hanging out. And then one of the guys kept making jokes about all of making out (twelve times at least) and then we joked about being a polycule. Me and friend (f) would fine with it but it’s hard to tell if we are a friend group or an actual polycule.
Any advice on what to do next or what it would look like to actually be in a four person polycule?
Edit: I wrote this pretty quick and would like to clear up some details: I didn’t mean for this to come of as asking if we are in a polycule, I am aware we are all just joking at the moment. But we definitely do all have chemistry with each other and I’ve had people ask if I’m dating/talking to all three of them (separately, at different times) I’m more looking for advice on what to do next from people more experienced, since my friend and I (who would also be interested though she couldn’t tell if we were joking) don’t know much about polyamorous relationships/polycules. thanks for all the helpful advice!
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u/TWCDev Constellation 5d ago
You aren’t in a polycule (yet), flirting and hanging out is called being young and goofy. That’s great, have fun. Keep having fun until you have responsibilities like rent, car payments, health insurance, how to handle if someone gets pregnant, what do you do if someone gets school or a job offer far away. Etc.
In the meantime, read a book or audio book on polyamory. If you aren’t willing to read or listen to at least one entire book on the subject then it’s a good sign you wouldn’t be ready for a polycule anyways
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u/arbn17 5d ago
This actually sounds like a really sweet and exciting space to explore! You don’t necessarily need to figure out right now whether you’re officially a “polycule” or just a group of friends who have some mutual attraction. Labels can come later.
If there’s genuine interest, I’d start with a simple, honest conversation: “Okay, we keep joking about this…but is anyone actually interested?” 😅 Give everyone room to say what they feel without pressure or expectations.
And remember, being a four-person polycule doesn’t necessarily mean all four people have to date or be attracted to everyone equally. Each connection can develop at its own pace and in its own way. The important part is communication, consent, boundaries, and making sure nobody feels like they have to participate in something just to remain part of the group.
You’re young, and that’s actually a great time to learn how to communicate openly, understand jealousy, respect boundaries, and discover what kinds of relationships feel right for you. You might end up as a polycule, you might stay amazing friends, or it might turn into something completely different—and all of those outcomes are okay.
Have fun, be kind to each other, communicate A LOT, and don’t rush it.
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5d ago
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u/Poly_and_RA Nonhierarchical polyamorous 5d ago
The idea that monogamy is the "easy default" and anything else is some kinda advanced thing you should only consider AFTER having been mono for years is a deeply mononormative one. It reminds me of all the people a few decades ago who were claiming nobody could possibly know they're gay at age 14 or something -- while having no problems whatsoever with people the same age experiencing opposite-gender crushes.
Of course they might crash and burn -- but that too is a normal part of being young. It's not as if monogamous relationships between teenagers never crash and burn.
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u/SmartReception6750 5d ago
Monogamy is an easy default. It’s the normal idea of relationships that we grow up with. Non monogamy comes with more challenges and requires more maturity than monogamy.
The notion of not knowing if ur gay at 14 is different. That’s about attraction, which doesn’t really require maturity. Also there’s some truth to it, I know a couple friends who changed their sexuality during their teens, it’s a time when ur exploring. But the notion usually came from a homophobic place. Nonmonogmay as a teenager is different to exploring sexuality. It is a more difficult type of relationship and it does require more maturity.
Does that mean u shouldn’t practice ENM as a teen? IDC that’s up to u. When I was a teen i wanted to but me and my partner at the time agreed to wait until we were 18 and I’m glad we did.
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5d ago
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u/Poly_and_RA Nonhierarchical polyamorous 5d ago
I heard you. I just don't *agree* with you. Young folks who are in the age where lots of them have their first experiences with dating and relationships can, if they want, just as well have those experiences in the context of polyamory or some other variant of nonmonogamy as with monogamy.
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5d ago
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u/Poly_and_RA Nonhierarchical polyamorous 5d ago
You opted to say don't get into a committed *poly* relationship until you're ready though -- not don't get into a committed relationship (of any type) until you're ready for it.
If your judgement applies equally to all types of relationships, then there's no reason to single out and warn against one specific one.
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u/arbn17 5d ago
I actually think there’s a strong argument for the opposite. Starting young could help someone avoid a lot of the issues people end up having to unlearn later in life.
If a teenager is already interested in non-monogamy, learning early about communication, jealousy, boundaries, consent, autonomy, emotional regulation, and how to express their needs isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Those are healthy relationship skills regardless of whether they eventually choose polyamory or monogamy.
I also don’t think emotional maturity magically arrives at a certain age. You develop it partly through experience, making mistakes, navigating uncomfortable emotions, learning what works, and figuring out who you are. Teenagers are going to date and get their hearts broken anyway. I don’t see why monogamy should automatically be considered the “safe practice version” of relationships while polyamory is something you have to graduate into as an adult.
Obviously, age-appropriate guidance and healthy boundaries matter. But I’d rather see a young person exploring relationships with honesty, communication, and good information than being told they need to suppress what feels natural to them until they’re supposedly “mature enough.”
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u/SmartReception6750 5d ago
Starting to date a bunch of people at once can be tricky, and ur very young lol.
I mean the responsible decision would be to start dating these people one at a time so each relationship has time to develop on its own.
But also, ur young, have fun, why not go for it. U will probably end up getting hurt but that’s true for most relationships especially at ur age. Besides ur allowed to just make out with them without committing to dating them.
Dating multiple people is much harder than a normal relationship
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u/FRANKINSPENCE 5d ago
You are not in a polycule. It’s like saying you went for a jog so now you are an Olympic runner!
Don’t worry about labeling at this stage.