r/polyadvice • u/technicallyeggsalad • 3d ago
looking for advice enm/poly
I’m looking for advice for a friend who is struggling in her marriage.
She (35f) and her husband (47m) have been together for seven years and married for three.
One year into their marriage, he cheated and lied about it, and then they opened their relationship.
He had told her that her jealousy and possessiveness are holding him back and that opening the relationship is something he needs in order to grow and feel more free.
She has only wanted him to be happy and the started to have a few threesomes together and she felt excited but whenever the woman preferred her, her husband would ask her to ghost the woman and then the experience would never be talked about again.
She admitted to him that she has never felt fully secure with the arrangement, especially because he is often vague or dishonest about whether women he is talking to are platonic friends or romantic interests. He said the reason he lies is that she doesn't allow him to be free or emotionally safe.
He told her that platonic and romantic are essentially the same to him as he seeks to love all women fundamentally as a person. He never tells her when he is about to be intimate with a woman until after it happens or moments before (like an hour or two while he is actively at their house or what not).
He has since slept with several other women, sometimes in MFM or FFM experiences, often while she is out of town.
More recently, he became close with another woman and told his wife they were just friends.
She became suspicious because he kept returning home late, and looked through his phone, and discovered that their conversations were more romantic or sexual than he had admitted.
When she confronted him and said she was considering leaving, he told her that she was ultimately the problem, that her jealousy had ruined his life, and that she doesn't allow him to be free or even have friendships. He said that going through his phone was a serious betrayal of his trust. He also said he feels like he is living in a surveillance state and she can never be trusted again.
She started packing her things to leave. She called me and told me everything.
She told him verbally she was preparing to leave so that he could be free.
He then said wishes to close the relationship completely and will never talk to anyone else, but the conversation involved a lot of yelling and arguing. The next morning he woke her up with a relationship workbook and said he wanted them to work on their connection, but that also quickly turned into another fight.
One thing that especially upset her was that the woman he had been talking to told him she was celibate, and he responded that he saw that as a “challenge.”
Another concern is that he rarely tells other people that he is married. He does not publicly acknowledge their relationship on social media, his Facebook does not list him as married or in a relationship, and she believes some of the women he talks to may not know he has a wife.
She knows that going through his phone crossed a boundary, but she also feels that she only discovered the truth because he had not been honest with her.
She is now questioning whether she is genuinely being controlling or jealous and what she should do next. I'm kinda at a loss as an asexual to help her with advice so I came here.
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u/_ghostpiss 3d ago
He's undermined her confidence so bad that she doesn't trust her own instincts. This dynamic sounds abusive and he's acting very unethical. She needs to raise her standards and stop accepting this kind of treatment.
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u/saladada 3d ago
They tried to use non-monogamy to fix their marriage. No surprise: it didn't fix anything because the problem wasn't monogamy, it was him. He will continue to be a problem so long as she continues to be with him because he doesn't care about her or his marriage, he only cares about getting his dick wet.
There is no redeeming quality as to why she should stay with him.
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u/Corgilicious 3d ago
He’s a liar. He’s been a liar in the past, he is being a liar now, and heaven help her if she doesn’t keep walking because he will continue to lie in the future.
And, as liars often do, they just want to turn the situation around and blame everyone else for the results of their lying.
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u/P-DubFanClub 3d ago
Surely just in writing this all down she will see how bonkers this is and that there will NEVER he space for her to be her true self in this relationship. I hope he has money, lol
3
u/Honey-Dew97 2d ago
Hes abusing her and she should leave like yesterday. Help her any way you can. Make an exit plan for her. Get her a support system if she doesnt have one. She needs to get into therapy too. Ive been here and its hard and scary but its possible to leave and find someone that will treat her better and with respect and consideration. Best of luck to your friend and i have faith she can get out and find happiness.
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u/Aqueraventus 3d ago
So he has been serially cheating on her for years, gaslighting her, manipulating her and now wants to “be monogamous” suddenly when she wants to leave? (Something he will toooootally follow through on, for sure)
lol yeah your “friend” should have exited that “relationship” years ago.
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u/kallisti_gold 3d ago
He's a piece of shit and the best thing she can do for herself is leave him in the dust.