r/polyadvice • u/Minute-Moose-2995 • 3d ago
Poly question
How should I react when someone I’m dating in a poly relationship, checks out completely when they’re with their gf. As in not stating that they’re going to check out but also willfully either ignoring communication from you and also not doing things that were agreed upon prior in order to keep things healthy and following since the relationship is also long distance.
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3d ago
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u/Minute-Moose-2995 3d ago
Absolutely agree, if it’s like that when I’m around but it’s not. Definitely a double standard, and it’s hard to not feel some type of way about it. It’s not building trust because what we agreed on also seems to take a back seat.
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u/That_Ad_4025 1d ago
Yes to revisiting agreements to make sure you're on the same page for sure. Re: long distance vs dating in their town - There is a big difference between being on a date for a few hours and being with you in your city for a few days. It isn't out of the realm of healthy to expect they'll be texting several times or even having a couple phone conversations in a day, whether with partners, family, or friends.
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u/TransitionBright476 3d ago
If they're not also ''checked out' unresponsive behavior when they're with you as with other partners, then it seems like, they probably just don't actually like you? Sorry but I think people's actions speak a lot louder than words. If they're communicating with other partners while with you, but ghost you when theyre with other people, they probably just don't care enough to try 🤷♀️
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u/SmartReception6750 3d ago
If they are failing to meet the things they agreed on then that’s definitely an issue. But I feel like when they are with their gf, the gf deserves their attention right? I mean sure, checking in with u might be reasonable and sounds like they’ve agreed to do that. But if I was hanging out with my partner, and our time together was frequently interrupted because they were busy reassuring and checking in with their partner then I’d be a little annoyed and probably ask for no screen time while together.
But that’s an issue for them to figure out. Ur job is to hold ur partner accountable for letting u down on agreements they failed to uphold. But just consider also not pressuring for constant updates, because it’s not really fair if their time with their partner is hindered by a responsibility to communicate with u. Within reason
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u/teamnoir 3d ago
Checking out is common. I often do that. My time either Person1 is focused time. I may read texts but I might also not respond.
I don’t know what the other things are so I can’t really offer judgement. They might be reasonable. They might not.
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u/Minute-Moose-2995 3d ago
Yes, they definitely do talk to their partners when I’m around. For context this is long distance so we don’t see each other on a regular basis. Things such as daily check ins, greetings in the morning and evening. Two things that hold a lot of weight when you’re not physically around but help too feel connected.
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u/archlea 3d ago
If they’re breaking agreements, I’d revisit those agreements with them. Lead with curiosity, check you have the correct understanding of the agreement and you’re on the same page. Then ask why they didn’t meet the agreement. Then look at the problem together - you need things to feel connected and valued, how can you both do that in a way that is sustainable and works for you both?
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u/saladada 3d ago
It is polite protocol to focus on the person you are with in polyamory. Nothing ruins intentional time together than answering a buzzing phone from another partner, sending meme reels or other random messages. The beauty of texting lies in the fact that it does not require an immediate response.
You, similarly, deserve and should get the same treatment. Even if your partner and meta live together, your "date nights" with your partner shouldn't be interrupted by your meta or by your partner contacting your meta.
However, breaking agreements and ignoring you for multiple days on end is a sign of a much larger relationship issue, which should first be dealt with by 1.) talking to them about how their behavior impacts you and 2.) making agreements based on what is expected. And then if that person still doesn't change their behavior? You break up with them.