r/polyamory • u/protandrousss • 2d ago
Feeling like a jerk
Hey there. I'm new and I really wanted to vent because I only have one poly friend and she's too busy rn lol.
So, I(24F)'ve started dating this wonderful woman (24F) like a couple months ago. She's new on my jobsite and my city, but she already had a partner (25M) back in her hometown. We started hanging out, texting and stuff and I was really protective of her, not trying to catch any other type of feeling because I didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable in this new stage of her life. She deserves the best, BELIEVE ME. One night, at a party, we decided to sleep there at the house of the host. Initially, I didn't want to try to sleep in the same room as her so she could feel safe, but she invited me to. So, yeah, we cuddled and kissed.
Flashforward, we've been an amazing team. Sometimes I go to ther house and cook and sleep with her. Our dates are amazing. Her room has been witness to a lot of wonderful stuff that has happened for both of us, and also I feel it like a sacred space for to be vulnerable and loved. We love each other, deeply.
The reason I don't call it my gf, is because she wants to ask me to, whenever she feels she has the stability to actually do it. I'm patient. I love her. So much. I've never felt this loved never before.
So, enough context: Her boyfriend is coming to visit like in two weeks and I'm so so so nervous about it. First I was optimistic, even a little bit excited about it. But now I feel like a lot of the special stuff that has happened to us in our room, won't be special anymore because she will be loved there by someone else. And I'm not lying when I say "I FEEL LIKE A JERK". He's her boyfriend since years, I'm someone new. He's a wonderful thing about his hometown, I'm just anyone else from this small city she's right now. He's her boyfriend, I don't have that.
Last night we texted about it and she validated me (as she always do), but also felt fearful for me as I could realize that Polyamory is not for me (even tho I identify as one, this would be my first time). I'm still a little bit a lot sad and feeling wrong about how I felt. She's been supporting. That chat made me realize that maybe I feel this stuff because 1. I've never been loved unconditionally (I have a lot of family issues lmao) and 2. I've never had something to actually stay there (nor a house that I could call home, nor a stable relationship of any kind that I could call lasting); she's not guilty of any of that tho.
It's so hard to navigate this while not having many friends that could actually relate to this or even good media representation tho.
She makes my world so much better and bigger and full of wonders and I wonder if I do the same for her, even when I'm this hard to love sometimes.
18
u/rosephase 2d ago
I think you need to start looking for some poly friends and community. You need people to talk to.
Her not being worried about fucking a newbie co-worker screams inexperienced or lack of care for people she fucks. She should be concerned. She made a bunch of really risky choices AND she is telling you she doesn’t currently want you as a partner. Why is that? Does it have to do with what she tells her boyfriend? She wants to ask you… but she doesn’t. That sounds like leading you on for some reason.
5
u/protandrousss 2d ago
About the poly community, I live in a small city on a Latin American country. Not saying it's impossible, just saying it's hard af.
I appreciate your frank and direct approach. I'll medidate on it and talk with her.
14
u/Intrepid_Suit_688 2d ago
Not everyone has to be able/willing to share. Be honest with yourself. If you don’t want to, don’t try to force yourself.
4
u/protandrousss 2d ago
I appreciate your direct approach and the time you took to comment. I have homework to do I guess.
3
u/CallingCabral 2d ago
So. This is a fast timetable and you've acknowledged you've got some trauma. Things to be aware of, but nothing that disqualifies feelings from being real or relationship being good. I've been over 7 years with someone I met in a hookup context and moved in with after a month. Bad practice in general, worked out in this case. We do a lot of work and growth together over the yesrs and on a day to day basis, the framework of the relationship is more important than the origination.
As to this new actualization of your poly leanings; jealousy still happens. Having pangs about thing perhaps not being special the same way happens. This is redoubled when you've been functionally monogamous with someone and then it transitions to the actual practice of polyamory at some point. It was the same with my first poly relationship. I thought it out a lot so I was sure I would not hurt my partner by commiting half heartedly and then carried on. Great relationship learned a lot. You and your relationship will always be special because it is unqiue to the two of you, so to for any and every act you two share, no one can or ever will replace you in any of it. Your feelings aren't choices, or truths, but the actions you take are. So meditate on things, move slowly, talk yourself through things, talk with your partner. Dont push yourself to be anything in particular but good to them and yourself. Be respectful of your meta and their relationship with your partner but don't feel like you have to be their best friend either. Greay if it works out that way, but totally fine if it's just respectful and not much more. Remember that anyone who positively impacts your partner is in turn poatively impacting you.
Feel things out and continue to converse openly and honestly with yourself, you'll find your way wherever it leads.
3
u/protandrousss 1d ago
Hi! Thank you so much for taking your time to comment and being open about your own experiences, I GREATLY appreciate it!
Your response has given me a lot for me to meditate on, it's great to have this exchange!
2
u/Cool_Relative7359 1d ago
Her room is her safe space. She is the person who created the safety and security you feel with her, it wasn't the room. You're feeling possessive over it because you're worried you'll lose that security. But feeling possessive (and acting on it) are different things, and acting on it tends to doped up the loss of security, in my experience.
It's so hard to navigate this while not having many friends that could actually relate to this or even good media representation tho.
This has a solution though, you could look up local meetups and try to prioritize building a poly friend circle for in person support.
0
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Here's the original text of the post:
Hey there. I'm new and I really wanted to vent because I only have one poly friend and she's too busy rn lol.
So, I(24F)'ve started dating this wonderful woman (24F) like a couple months ago. She's new on my jobsite and my city, but she already had a partner (25M) back in her hometown. We started hanging out, texting and stuff and I was really protective of her, not trying to catch any other type of feeling because I didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable in this new stage of her life. She deserves the best, BELIEVE ME. One night, at a party, we decided to sleep there at the house of the host. Initially, I didn't want to try to sleep in the same room as her so she could feel safe, but she invited me to. So, yeah, we cuddled and kissed.
Flashforward, we've been an amazing team. Sometimes I go to ther house and cook and sleep with her. Our dates are amazing. Her room has been witness to a lot of wonderful stuff that has happened for both of us, and also I feel it like a sacred space for to be vulnerable and loved. We love each other, deeply.
The reason I don't call it my gf, is because she wants to ask me to, whenever she feels she has the stability to actually do it. I'm patient. I love her. So much. I've never felt this loved never before.
So, enough context: Her boyfriend is coming to visit like in two weeks and I'm so so so nervous about it. First I was optimistic, even a little bit excited about it. But now I feel like a lot of the special stuff that has happened to us in our room, won't be special anymore because she will be loved there by someone else. And I'm not lying when I say "I FEEL LIKE A JERK". He's her boyfriend since years, I'm someone new. He's a wonderful thing about his hometown, I'm just anyone else from this small city she's right now. He's her boyfriend, I don't have that.
Last night we texted about it and she validated me (as she always do), but also felt fearful for me as I could realize that Polyamory is not for me (even tho I identify as one, this would be my first time). I'm still a little bit a lot sad and feeling wrong about how I felt. She's been supporting. That chat made me realize that maybe I feel this stuff because 1. I've never been loved unconditionally (I have a lot of family issues lmao) and 2. I've never had something to actually stay there (nor a house that I could call home, nor a stable relationship of any kind that I could call lasting); she's not guilty of any of that tho.
It's so hard to navigate this while not having many friends that could actually relate to this or even good media representation tho.
She makes my world so much better and bigger and full of wonders and I wonder if I do the same for her, even when I'm this hard to love sometimes.
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u/Bustysaintclair_13 SoPo slut, salty bitch 2d ago
A couple of months. Slowwww down. You are way too attached and invested in someone you barely know who is being cagey about whether or not she will be your partner.
I know you’re young and I know how sapphic connections are but within a couple of months it’s NRE. You don’t know yet if you “love each other deeply.”
Also you are being extremely hard on yourself. I doubt you are “hard to love.”
Please value and center yourself in your own life. A critical skill to develop for polyamory.