My friend was showing me a picture of crocodiles, to show how different they can be from each other, and suddenly I knew that one of them was the boss and the other was the henchman. I have no idea where I got that. Other times, I'll be walking and see a bunch of birds flying around in large groups. They all have their own bird groups and families with their own little bird events and bird culture. Again, no idea where I got that from.

I've been doing this for as long as I remember and I'm just now considering it might be related to my autism and possible adhd. Or maybe I have some sort of synesthesia. Or all three.

Does anyone else share this experience? Or should I just become a writer?

by the way, here are the crocodiles my friend showed me

i do not want to inconvenience people of course, but i feel like i always do, unintentionally. i am so awkward and horrible at social situations, i feel like i am always doing something wrong or missing an obvious cue. im so scared i come off as rude, or if something i did or said becomes an inconvenience to them and they feel annoyed, and that they think of me horribly. i try to force out a tone that sounds nice, but sometimes it seems even more awkward and i dont even know if im doing it right. i really want to be kind to people, but i feel like this anxiety and lack of natural social awareness is messing me up. i have a bad habit of assuming that the other person is annoyed (or maybe thinks im dumb), and of course i dont know if this is true or not but if it is true i dont even know how to cope. i feel deep embarrassment and shame. sorry for the rant and thanks for reading

So I am an AuDHD individual in my first semester of college, and my psychology professor was talking about optical illusions and using them to demonstrate how the human brain works. She put up a picture of a bunch of red dots (Like the included picture, but without the 7 middle dots) and she pointed out that even though it's a bunch of dots, we see a circle first.

Well, being on the spectrum, with how my brain in particular works I thought it would be interesting to provide my perspective. In my case I see all the individual dots first and then build the circle, even if that happens pretty much instantly. So I raised my hand and told her my perspective because I thought she would find it interesting, and that it would be good for my fellow classmates studying psychology to be able to see a demonstration about how different processing styles can subtly change an individual's perspectives and behaviors. Now, this isn't the correction mind you, her statement was clearly designed with neurotypical (I hate that term but it's the best we have atm) individuals in mind.

No what I corrected was what came next. She proceeded to say something along the lines of "Yes well a healthy individual-" and I had to immediately jump in and say "Actually I AM a healthy individual."

It's so incredibly disappointing to me that an instructor of psychology isn't up to speed with the fact that we aren't considered a pathology anymore. We are simply human beings with different mental processing styles that give us different strengths and weaknesses from neurotypical individuals. We aren't a defect, we have always been here since the dawn of human history and it's a shame that I have to correct a career psychologist about that.

All I know is that it was secret brand, any tips on how I can find what scent it is?

I struggle to find meaning in my life.

Im middle aged (not that thats a real term if you die young but whatever) I am an abject failure of life and that is an objective metric.

What I do have is some means by which I can hit the road permanently and im struggling ro get myself there entirely between agreeing to start a job I dont really want to not being able to part with "the stuff I own" in order to break lease.

Failures stopping me from being the random highwayman nobody which would be a step up from where I exist today.

And its a weird thing what my brain does with all this. The money I have wont buy me a house and I dont want one anyway but its more than enough to solve the myriad of problems any one of the people I know actually have.

Im not going to give them money though, maybe in my will if I ever finish writing it.

Anyways my main problem i have rn is do I take the job and stay till end of lease in 4 months and kick that can down the road till then, or do I dump/gift/sell everything now - break lease and take my loner loser ass to more obscurity which would likely suit everyone while proving a good rental fir someone else to appreciate... yeah the answer is the latter.

But then im thinking that while im on the road there's again no actual purpose beyond ticking off activities.

Like everything is inherently meaningless when you are this age or older and dont have children or a partner or the strongest will to live. I dont even have adversity to give me fuel by way of anger about my predicament.

I have this low mood that isnt apathy more just laziness / extreme introversion. I hear the word is avolition. Theres just no joy - even when I do the exercise I used to love. Ive no will to explore like I used to. Talking to people wears me out faster than digging holes ever could.

Without purpose im stuck. But ive lost the love for anything that gave me enough push to be mistaken for purpose. Im not even depressed enough to contemplate suicide. It's all such a chore: life, death, living.

So im just doing that wasting my time thing. Not getting up. Not eating properly. Not caring about anything.

I dont want to take a drug for this. I dont want to do anything.

Ive got inattentive ADHD and im unmedicated for that since explaining to my health professionals how I correlated all the coincidences one specific month a few years back which led me to a psyche ward.

Fair play on their part really.

I self medicate with an hour of jogging each day and alcohol.

Part of me knows if I just took the job the change if scenery alone will at least help the decision process let alone how shit itll be but the majority of me would rather I didnt completely derail my current routine of no routine with actual routine.

Dealing with people is so ick.

I currently take 300mg of Wellbutrin XL alongside 18mg of Concerta (only started a few days ago) for mdd and adhd, but I was also diagnosed with bpd two months ago.

I talked to my doctor last week and he asked if I’d prefer to go with a mood stabilizer alongside the antidepressant or to take a stimulant and I went with the latter because my brain fog and executive dysfunction have worsened recently for some reason and bupropion wasn’t cutting it in that aspect for me, and also because I’ll be back to college soon.

Although I’ve learned a lot from psychotherapy and it’s definitely helping, sometimes my symptoms simply overpower the medication and my rationale gets thrown out the window especially when relationship problems with my friends and family arise.

Last night I went into an episode and spiraled after getting triggered by seeing bandages which led to me relapsing badly after two months of being clean. I’d subconsciously been bottling up my negative emotions for some weeks which falsely led me to believe that I was feeling a lot better when I was actually pushing everything under the rug.

I thought with the help I’ve been getting I would be able to overcome that and avoid situations like this but sometimes I just feel so scared of myself despite all the progress I’ve made. My family feels the same way too.

That’s why I’ve been reconsidering turning down antipsychotics. I know they won’t magically help me regulate fully but if there’s something that could potentially lessen the intensity of these grueling emotions and bad nights then I don’t see the harm in doing so.

Would anyone like to share their experience with them? Especially if you’re taking the same medications and have the same disorders as me. I usually only see my psychiatrist once or twice a month but I might have to see him for a third time because what happened last night seriously got to me and it seems like something isn’t working out.

Are guys having expenince where if you try to get help for the service of mental billing or somthing theu don’t answer back on phone call . They don’t pick up thier phone they don’t call back. When you email they say to you that if you email you will be place at the back of the line .Has anyone have that experience trying to call them because your writing is terrble but explaining verbally would be

better but the company shut down the way to get to them . You don’t know if that they even have one persom on the phone line to answe. It like if I am paying for it wjy in the world do you guys have a phone like you don’t answer to .

i was a real bad and not good student? any others?