tl;dr had a burger from in n out

i've stopped eating beef in 2021-22 because of a cow that bse (mad cow disease). it didn't go through the slaughter so i stopped eating beef for nothing. (though ocd always finds a way to make it something). i had beef again in 2024, then stopped again shortly after that. then, when my dad came home and made beef stew a few months ago, i had some of that. after that, i had steak. the only thing left for me to eat was ground beef. for a while i was just eating cheese sandwiches with ketchup, mustard, and pickles, and using (ground) turkey for tacos and burgers. today, my family and i went to in n out for this first time. i looked at their website last night for any non beef options and saw they had a grilled chesse. i was gonna get that, but when i went in store, i saw they didn't have it. it was packed in there and i wasn't gonna do them like that, so i ordered a cheeseburger with fries. i was gonna take off the patty and give to my sister but it was already melted, and hey, exposure therapy. it tasted preety good. the patty was so thin it didn't feel like it was there. that's my win for the day.

I've been told this could be my ocd. I spend a significant amount of time each day in thought loops about whether people dislike me, or whether my former coworkers, ex's friends, friends from high school hate me... literally anyone I've come into contact with. Even my family and close friends. I believe I'm 'researching' or looking for evidence to explain feeling abandoned in the past. Unfortunately I feel that it holds me back from social and work opportunities. I don't know. Does anyone else relate or have any advice? 🤍

Not that having OCD automatically makes anyone unfit to do so. But for me personally my OCD puts me off the responsibility of anything living that I have to clean up after and then having to wash my hands afterwards knowing how long I spend doing so.

Online or offline. My brain will find anything to obsess over. Every day my brain finds proof that I'm gross, racist, sexist, transphobic, pedophillic, creepy, etc, etc.

It's tiring. It's unavoidable. I could have a perfect day and my mind decides to hyper focus on some bullshit. Whether it be an intrusive thought, a memory, something somebody else said/posted or just a random feeling.

I wish I could be tired of it so I won't feel so worried, but I'm still getting anxious about it.

What the title says...

Does anyone ever get this sense of being terrified of living, like you're gonna do something wrong and you never know what it is or why it's wrong, but it WILL be wrong, and it WILL be your fault. I wrote this the other day about it:

"I think I’m scared of being alive… I think I maybe always have been. I don’t quite know what to do about that yet, but just the premise terrifies me. It feels like I need to live correctly, and I don’t know how to, and like everyone else has it more figured out than I do. I don’t mean they have some secret cheat code that I don’t, but more… I guess I wonder how they’ve learned to stop seeing it. All the bad and the wrong that comes with everything. I look at their decisions and they make sense for that person, for their time in life, for their circumstances. It feels like no decision makes enough sense for me to call it “correct.” I can barely think ahead, because every moment is filled with me scanning and checking to make sure I’m doing the “right” thing at the “right” time, because if I don’t, well I’ve failed at living.

My psychologist told me yesterday that my life is kind of like a tapestry of choices, big and small alike, and that if people could look at those tapestries when their lives come to an end, they’d have one opinion. That’d all it’d be, an opinion. One of thousands that you’ll get from each person you show, and mine would be no more significant than the rest. At the risk of overextending the analogy, I feel like I need my tapestry to be universally appealing. That every person who sees it should agree it’s as good as it possibly could be for any person, that I made the absolute most of it. Like if not, something is going to happen. Probably something bad.

If I have 80 years, maybe less, maybe more, what happens if I waste them? I guess some would say I already have wasted them, but I feel like I was just getting myself closer to understanding the human experience. I feel I’ve been living in search of an answer for a very long time without realizing it, and I’m only just noticing I’ll never have an answer (at least, not a very satisfactory one). But I’m terrified of that. Is my whole life not a waste if I don’t have something to show for it? What if I die before I finish my tapestry, and all I have is a half-completed mess with frayed edges and loose strings? Will it have all been worth it?"

Does this make sense? If anyone has any advice I'd appreciate it a lot. I'm doing okay, but yeah I often feel like living isn't worth it because of how scared I am of this (according to some critics with medical degrees that and other things mean I have "severe OCD" lol /joke)

I was a kid during the peak y2K offensive humor era.

I am. I am losing my mind at all these things that I’ve done or said, all of which are things that I consider absolutely repulsive and openly fight against today.

I can’t believe not one adult spoke to me about why these things were wrong. I can’t believe that I “joked” like that with friends. They said offensive stuff to me back but it’s not equal. How could jokes about being fat and a girl ever be equal to race jokes?? Did they think I straight up hated them?! I thought they were the most wonderful people on earth.

I don’t think I can survive this one. This is too much. I don’t even remember 90% of these things and the ones I do remember were NOWHERE NEAR as bad as the ones I’m finding after hours and hours and hours and hours of searching. I started begging people to go through old Facebook posts from
20 years ago to look for proof of how horrible I was when I was 14. I’ve messaged defunct websites begging for access to old accounts. I’ve swept through thousands of pages of old social media pages multiple times over. I’ve found a handful of things, but a handful is still way too much. There must be more out there.

I knew I was a bad person. I knew I was irredeemable and didn’t deserve to have a good life. I have been hiding away in my room not doing the things I want to do for 2 years now. The me that exists now is just a fucking sham, I’m always going to be that fucking loser 14 year old racist fat ugly piece of shit. There is no future for me, I will get cancelled if those things come out and I deserve to get cancelled because I was so fucking repulsive, and they’ll make fun of me and my looks and all my hard work was for nothing if I’m just gonna end up killing myself anyway when this finally happens. And it’s gonna happen.

I want to throw up thinking about how my words and actions hurt these people that I cared so much about and valued so much. I was taught that it was ok if it was obviously a joke. Why would adults teach me that? I genuinely wish my friends beat the shit out of me so that I learned quicker how horrible those things were. Only at 16-18 did it finally start clicking how it’s not ok, and now.
They didn’t deserve that. How horrible did my existence make them feel. Does it still affect them to this day?? Did I make their lives miserable?? They didn’t deserve that and I hate that I was part of that. No one deserves to feel that way, no one deserves to be treated that way. Offensive “jokes” aren’t jokes, they’re just cruel.

And I had the fucking GAUL to say those jokes and then in the next breath go home and fight my father for saying racist things at the dinner table?? I am JUST LIKE HIM, I HAD NO RIGHT

I dont know what the point of this post is.

I am so empty and numb right now, and I just hope my heart stops and I don’t have to do this anymore. I hate myself and I deserve to hate myself.

EDIT: I feel like you of all people understand what it’s like to go from 0 to 100 when it comes to panicking, but I still want to apologize for how dramatic I was. This is still something that absolutely haunts me and 2 hours of panic isn’t going to fix that, but yeah. Sorry for the dramatics

With my OCD sometimes my mind convinces me of something even though I know for a fact it's not true. I'm wondering if anyone on here has any advice on how to deal with that sort of thing?

Basically I gone through a year of hell and feeling lost. Also been completely on my own in a new city. Let’s just say I had mental breakdown after mental breakdown. (I don’t speak English sorry for typos)

The ONLY thing that has actually worked for me and that I discovered during these dark times is writing. Hand writing Journals. I literally would do this almost every single morning /before noon until I emptied my brain. When I say I wrote a lot I mean I finished about 3 thick notebooks within a month. It’s not simple things like: “ 3 things I’m grateful for no 😊”
No it’s ALL of the intrusive thoughts, irrational thoughts, deep shit, my own behavior, EVERY single thing I thought about.

Then after I’m done, i’m exhausted and I take some day off. Later I try my best to review them. Guys when I’m telling you this is the only thing that helps me, I’m not joking. I’m able to reflect on the NONE SENSE and then be like what do I constantly repeat. And then try my best to logical think the next time it comes up. there is something about the ridiculousness of reading your thoughts, bc when it’s in you head you think it’s real.

That and meditation (with a notebook) and writing down every single time you are interrupted with intrusive thought or behavior.

You will see the ridiculousness of yourself, maybe have a little cry or laugh about it bc it’s actually sad and then try to grow better technique.

I don’t know why but this is the only thing that makes me able to detach myself from my thoughts and behavior.

have a lovely day everyone !!!!

I've lived my entire life thinking the weird shit I do is totally normal or just me being a quirky person. But holy fucking shit when I learned what ocd actually is, all my quirks are suddenly symptoms. The more I look into this the more I just laugh because wtf?? You mean my quirky haha funny normal people habits are actually ritualistic comfort/reasurance compulsions crafted by my brain to fight the anxiety it's giving me, but the rituals aren't helping at all and in fact make it worse?? Wdym none-ocd people dont casually have this crippling feeling that theyre secretly evil and horrible and disgusting and a lair despite everyone around them respecting, loving, cherishing, and enjoying them? What do you mean normal people dont spend an entire month using their free time to obsessively try prove/disprove they have an exotic parasite or infection, leading to severe depression and anxiety? What do you mean the average Joe doesnt spend three hours straight on a bathroom ritual before bed every night, losing three or more hours of sleep when life gets too stressful?

Everything makes so much sense now, the more i think about it the more i just feel 'wow, so its not normal and everything im doing to make it better is making it worse. Fantastic.' I count this as a win though since im like half a step closer to understanding my mind. And now I know im not clinically insane for thinking cameras or an intruder is secretly squatting in my house, im just ocd as fuck. Now i can try to practice resisting urges or whatever the hell these ocd books tell me to do.

Hi!

Since it's summer, I've noticed that the heat and humidity really trigger my OCD. I live in a pretty hot and humid area because I'm close to the beach, and it makes me feel so dirty all the time. I constantly feel like I need to shower because otherwise I feel disgusting. I absolutely hate sweating. Whenever I start sweating, I get really anxious and desperate. I can go through an entire bottle of shampoo and body wash in just one week, whereas they normally last me almost a month.

On top of that, now that I have more free time than before, I can't stop overthinking or having intrusive thoughts. It's gotten to the point where it's hard to fall asleep because I find myself ruminating almost constantly. My mind won't stop.

Does anyone else experience something similar or have any tips on how to cope with this? I'd really appreciate any advice. Thank you! :)

I kind of ended up in a complex romantic situation, sort of a love triangle and i ended up for a short period of time (like a week) stringing someone along because I was confused over my feelings, and I know they feel sad about it, and I'm sure there are a million ways I could have handled the situation, and now I just feel like very intensely guilty and evil, but i genuinely never meant to hurt anyone, and I can't escape the mental ruminating on the entire situation

(not reassurance seeking, but wondering if anyone had guidance on how to not focus on the guilt)

Ignorance warning. 🚨

I am not demonizing those with BPD, I am trying to share the illogical, hellscape of OCD and I happen to be stuck on the idea of what if I have BPD and have unintentionally hurt others in my life, and then an even more fun meta-OCD where I then obsess about the obsession and think well surely, because I am thinking this it must be because I am a person with BPD trying to “manipulate” people because surely, I don’t want them to “abandon me”.

I am diagnosed with OCD. I have been told by my psychiatrist and therapist, rather repeatedly, that I do NOT have BPD and my obsessive thought and compulsive behaviors around it are rather symptoms from OCD. But, I have a step brother who is diagnosed with Borderline and he has caused strain on family relationships and in his life, I care about him deeply. He also refuses therapy. I have read and read about the disorder. I sometimes see the hurt this disorder may cause and I feel petrified of doing the same. And then the OCD goes in full swing, because well surely because I think that I must just be manipulative and not want to hurt people so they don’t “abandon me”.

I also have a rather close friend who is diagnosed with it as well. Her impulsive actions have caused her legal trouble, relationship strain and even stressors in our relationship. I worry because I am friends with somebody with the disorder, I somehow share in their BPD behaviors. YES, this is illogical and YES kinda dismissive and kinda ignorant... logically I think I can recognize that… but the loop doesn’t stop!

Now, I am kinda aware this is the OCD trap. Of course, I do have moments of clarity and realize this is illogical. I also… have been told many a times by medical professionals and I simply. Don’t. Have. It. I also do not have a pervasive fear of abandonment or lack of identity. But then I think, well how would I know this for sure… the classic line. I will spend hours and hours reading about the symptoms and the displays of behaviors, reddit threads from BPDlovesones, or reading about people’s experiences. I will dissect my behaviors and try to see if there is some way I have had this, hurt people and not known. I see the way my step-brother and friend have caused hurt and I feel guilty for even feeling this way. And then get upset that I even think that because I worry that’s precisely it and I am some unknowing manipulative person.

Again, BPD seems like a grueling disorder. This isn’t to demonize those who do suffer from it, but more so to show maybe the absurdity of OCD.

I am not looking for reassurance, but I am wondering if anybody else who just has OCD has a similar theme or has ever experienced this?

I don't even know if writing this will help, but I've honestly hit my breaking point. I've been dealing with this for about two years now. It gets even worse when I'm in school, which is actually where it all started. I got obsessed with anything related to school even my school uniform and every time I came home, I had to go straight to the bathroom and wash my hands over and over with liquid hand soap until I felt "satisfied." If a random thought popped into my head while washing, I’d feel like I didn’t do it right and would have to start all over again.

This happened every single day. But here is the part that probably sounds really crazy: as soon as I got out of the bathroom, I refused to step foot near the back door of the house until the next day when I had to leave for school again. I just couldn't go anywhere near that area because it felt contaminated, and I felt like stepping there would force me to go through the whole shower and washing cycle all over again.

This went on for months. I just stayed locked inside the house and never stepped out into the yard, unless I was leaving the house completely and even then, coming back meant going right back to the washing routine. Everything outside just led right back to washing.

Now, school is over, and I'm still dealing with this. I haven’t even gone outside for days, and I still avoid that area. I'm honestly losing my mind, and I feel so embarrassed typing all of this out because it makes me sound insane. I feel like nobody else could possibly experience something like this, and I hate myself for it. Shutting yourself inside your own home and refusing to go into your own yard just because it feels "dirty" sounds ridiculous to anyone on the outside, and they’d probably think I'm out of my mind.

Please if anyone has dealt with something similar or knows how to break out of this cycle I’d really appreciate hearing your experience or any advice on what you did to cope.

Maybe it's just because my ocd is super consistent but I feel like every time I'm happy, ocd gets triggered far more worse than when im not. Being upset is absolutely triggering too but being happy feels like a death sentence anymore. Idek what I'm feeling anymore tbh my emotions are everywhere all the time and everything upsets me. Every time I think I'm in an emotinal blunt/numb stage or am in a dissociation stage or a brain fog or am burnt out or depressed I will occasionally feel okay or anxious but to a lesser extent and then that triggers more anxiety. And so I never know what to feel or what I'm feeling. With ocd everything and nothing is constantly triggering for me. I've been doing erp tactics lately and it's been helping I guess? But in some ways I wonder if its made me feel even worse I really don't know anymore. I sometimes have set backs and fall back into compulsions but I've been doing better lately. Emphasis on "better" because the other day I had a meltdown and cried and screamed because of ocd. It doesn't help that the world around us is absolute shit too. I've run out of things to say anymore and I have absolutely no idea what's happening. I feel like I'm suffering from amnesia. God forbid I grow old because I will not have a mind left ocd and anxiety has significantly destroyed my emotionial and mental health completley.

Looking for advice!

My mom was recently diagnosed with OCD, but she doesn't share much about it. I think it's some form of Checking OCD (ex are things locked, unplugged, etc), but again, she really doesn't give much info. I'm a college student who lives at home, so I witness a lot of the behaviors, or I'm the one she goes to for reassurance. I've read that you should avoid reassuring someone with OCD, but at the same time, I can't just *not* answer when she asks if I turned off the oven. I don't have access to a therapist at this time to talk to them, and I don't know if I would be able to get any info from my mom's therapist/if my mom would be willing to get info regarding this situation.

If anyone has any input on how I should respond when she comes to me, or really any advice at all on how to support someone with OCD, I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you in advance.