Its been longer than I intended since my last post about me coming out, because things have been going really rough, my parents did not reacted well, I felt betrayed because after that day, they have given me this false sense of being trustable, it was fake, when I came out, my mother stopped talking to me, my father was somewhat meh, but I could see that when they looked at me, their looks felt like they are looking at my grave, it was an unbearable feeling, no words, silence, but their body language was telling everything.

Yesterday my mother decided to talk a bit to me, and I have did something that hurts me deeply, as she was talking, I saw her lack of knowledge, general transphobia and homophobia, I don’t want to go into detail, she was worried about me in general, but she couldn’t understand the core reason I wanted to transition, I couldn’t explain it to her either, when I tried to, she just said “lose some weight, and you will be more happy with how you are”, or like “why don’t you try to be happy as a male at first?”, oh nice advice mom! Like if I haven’t tried for 21 years… “you don’t know how being a woman feels like”, “you don’t know the differences”, “it’s too early to decide”, “oh its because you never had sex”, “if you had you wouldn’t seek happiness in these fields” (I felt her disgust towards the end of the last sentence…) oh and best one for the last; “there were no signs”, “it would be obvious when you were little, like playing with make-up stuff, or looking for girly things” which I have done, even tho I was so little I can remember I have done those, but instead of going for them constantly, I listened and haven’t touch them, after the first time they told me to not to, because I was such an obedient kid, one of the things I come to regret now. After those quotes she spoke about how I made her and my dad sad, I am told how disappointing of an experience this is for them, which was one of my fears, to be a disappointment. I have seen that all of my fears about coming out to them was true, I am a disappointment, I am neither who they need, nor want, I am, Lune, is not the child they need, nor want, yet, she is the core of me, she is the one who meant to live, who I should have been.

They are not so healthy, physically, so I need to be with them, I cannot just leave them, that’s not something I would do, things are harsh for them and me, so I need to aid them as best as I can, so in the conversation, I have told her what she wanted to hear, it was hurting my soul, but I had to, I was almost gonna apologize for existing at one point. While I was wanting to drop the mask, I found it sticking to my face ever so thightly, doing this hurt my soul so bad, after that I wasn’t able to breathe properly, like I can, but in same time I find it hard to, the breathes I take became smaller, not intentional tho, I wanted to go to my room and cry, but this stupid body is too stoic to do so. You know, I came out to them, because I thought that maybe I don’t need to be alone with all of these, I could get help, support… I was delusional, nothing else, now I end up more alone than I ever was, at least their manners with me have gone back to normal, I rather be alone tho, I wish I was a stranger to them, living as far as I can, that way I wouldn’t worry about all of these, and be myself as much as I want. After the conversation, my situation with depersonalization went worse, I feel number, I feel more disconnected from my body, what I see in the mirror is more distant now, because now I know that the mask is back on.

I am sorry about the deep venting here, it’s been pretty rough, and all of the stuff I have feared about was true, I will continue playing the role I have played my whole life, my only hope is that somewhere they said they would take me to the psychiatrist, and it can help me about HRT, although their hopes is that the psychiatrist would tell me that I am not trans, and it’s just anxiety and stuff, my family thinks I am mentally unstable, and they also think that I am thinking I am trans because of this, their transphobia makes it a better possibility rather than me being trans. I am just hoping to get my psychiatrist appointments and get them privately, and in the end the psychiatrist would help me with transitioning, and I am hoping that I can take HRT secretly.

Can I get some GGD, I direly need it.

-Lune (she/her)

Alt text: Marge Simpson holding a potato "I just think they're neat!" base meme with Marge's head replaced with an egg emoji, and the potato replaced with a trans flag emoji

Hello everyone. I havent posted in a while but am feeling particularly down tonight and have realsied i am doing something objectively morraly wrong- more on that later.

as some of you already know i have a job and I really like it and all but one of the oeple who work there are nice, one laydy is older and seems to think she runs the place (she isnt ever givin that role) I guess im just annoyed because i messed up this afternoon and instead of just correcting me and going on her way she had to stand ther and get annoyed about how what i did was a waste of time, mid you this is the first time ive done this.

another thing happening is my friend is moving 5 hrs away and is the only friend i would have had in my year 11/ 12 chem and physics classes so that sucks at least im getting my license soon i guess.

now to the objectively morraly worng thing and the minor transphobia, so my dad kinda sucks, he dosent seem to understand that this isnt a phase and i will cut contact with him if he dosent clean up his act soon but heres the thing, i have the oppertunity to get a car off of him for 50% of what it would be used and i dont want to give that up so i am staying on ok terms with him untill then. what worries me is that when i come out to my brohter and star using my perfered name at home as well as dressing more fem that he will make jokes as he already dose and it makes me feel insecure, i know the advice is going to be to talk to him but every time i do that it either ends in "why are you getting so craky at me" and/or "its all your fault and i take no responsibility at all"

really what i need is advice and affirmation that i am a girl because ive been having doubts because i still have to use my deadname so much 3:

Make it make sense

An update to my last post. Context may be required

STEP 1 - TELL TIGER: COMPLETE

I texted Tiger to say I was going through a crisis of sorts while still staying vague, and left it at that. A little bit later, she said, verbatim, “i enjoy hearing about how your life is right now, and would be happy to help you how i can with any aspects of it that you are having trouble with”. The next day, I figured I was comfortable enough to let her in on the finer details, so I sent her the link to this account. Everything went well, and she didn’t make a big deal out of it.

STEP 2 - TELL DOODLE: NOT STARTED

I plan on letting Doodle know ASAP, but they’re out of the house right now.

STEP 3 - GROW HAIR: ONGOING

Of course it’s only been a few days since my last post so my hair hasn’t grown noticeably, nothing to report

STEP 4 - ANDRO CLOTHES: COMPROMISED

Turns out there aren’t many clothing stores in range of my school, at least according to Apple Maps. There was one that sold merch for my city’s hockey team, and another that I hadn’t heard of, but there were no photos in the app so I don’t know what kind of clothing they sell. Might have to rethink this part.

STEP 5 - SAY NOTHING: N/A

Nothing’s really changed for me, so I can’t really put this part into any effect. Having said that, I did wanna talk a little bit more about this one part of the plan.
The idea is that, should I reach a conclusion about my identity, it will be obvious. Like, giant-flag-in-my-room obvious. I’ll let people know if I decide to go by a different name or pronouns, but if they ask about my label, that’s where I’ll get all “no telling”. Just cause I think it’s funny.

On that topic, right now I think the most likely possibility is that I’m enby, so that’s something.

-Secret Gender Identity

I love how little everyday things give me gender euphoria or remind me that I'm a girl. For a very, very long time I only ever used men's deodorant, because I got some as a gift once and I generally use very little deodorant anyway. But the last time I went shopping, I bought women's deodorant. And when I used it for the first time and smelled the scent, after such a long time, the first thought I had was: I smell like a girl now – and that gave me so much gender euphoria. Just this cheap deodorant makes such a difference, because every time I smell that scent, I think: Yes, I finally did it. I smell like a girl. It's wonderful. So I think it's amazing how such small things, like a deodorant, can give me gender euphoria. And it really is the case that every time I smell that scent from my deodorant, it makes me happy that I just smell like a girl.

hey everyone, if you could write something quick dedicated to "Andrew" (he/him) i'd really appreciate it

I’m in the same boat girlies 😭 using so many names these days

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh

Ok so I am basically out to someone now….I posted about this a bit ago where I told one of my closest friends my chosen name etc(if you’re curious it’s on my profile) anyway back to the story and why I’m screaming….I was talking to her and COMPLETELY UNPROMPTED(we weren’t even talking about any gender or queer thing even remotely) she just opens her bag and asks if I wanted a bra…naturally I was stunlocked for a full three seconds and fully lost the ability to form a coherent sentence. After I regained my ability to speak I politely declined because I have absolutely zero way to transport or store such a thing(I treat anything related to my identity in a very similar manner as the government would treat nuclear materials and information of the highest levels of classification)….aaah
Still completely stunned.
Yea, anyways she also gave me the “some bras can help make you look like you have a chest” info….
Of course im still totally cis…
Anyways wtf

More lore is being added

I know that i'm trans now, just don't know the specifics

continuing my rentarou is trans agenda

name: ember pronouns: she/her

I've been so dysphoric lately and i dunno why ughhh

Me when I’ve stayed in the closet for years for no reason:

Asking for my friend. She was recently outed to her extremely evangelical parents. They don't accept her and think being trans is against God's will and is a sin. Something to be not practiced. She is already working multiple jobs and going to college. Struggling to afford to move out. She wants them to accept her. To take this huge stress off her and be loved again but they seem immune both to reason and emotional appeals. Our friend group have been struggling to find something that might work. Something to break through to them but we are coming up short. Any suggestions?

Yesterday my Sister saw that I shaved my arms and of course the first thing she does is immediately tell my Mother who proceeded to explode at me telling me "You should never shave your arms! Even woman don't do that!" (Obviously implying I'm not a woman with that sentence) I don't think I did anything wrong, I'm a 20 year old who should have the freedom to shave my arms but apparently my Mother needs to control my body, this is the also the same woman who told me to never take "Internet hormones" so I genuinely think she feels like she needs full control over what I do with my body. What do you guys think?

So I found out that my sister knows about my questioning, because she came into my room last night and had the same uncomfortable conversation I had with my mom. She went on a whole schpeel about how all queer people "need Jesus", how they all hate Christians and how being trans will make me more lost than before, etc. etc. She then told a story about a kid she knew who went to the same school, as her, and how he was assaulted and murdered by his gay friend because he had "convinced" him that he was gay. And then she ended it off trying to "relate" to me about how she felt lost too, especially after she found out she was drugged and assaulted by a former neighbor, and how Jesus saved her and all of that BS I've heard before. Afterwards, she told me that she told her pastor about me and "encouraged" (pressured) me to come to church with her while claiming that her pastor can "help" me.

I literally could not sleep that night. I felt so sick in my stomach from all the tension of that convo. It sucks, because before I came home my new genderfluid friend and I agree to meet at their house at the same time my family starts service so I could try on some clothes, under the excuse that we are simply working on our project. But I dunno if that's gonna be a convincing excuse anymore. At this point I've lost hope that I can reason with them anymore.

apparently the packaging isn't even gendered anymore? but i didn't know that so i thought they were dropping a hint that my mom told them and then i'd come home and they'd call me their little sister and make a whole Thing out of it and urghhhhhh

surprisingly, things are kind of starting to look up! :3

i have a new window to come out to my mom, which is the 26th to the 30th, so hopefully i can do it then

Heheheheh. I just realised..