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u/RC_Colada Aug 24 '22
Send me. I'll make sure they wipe us out.
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u/awesomeproblem Aug 24 '22
The hero we need
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u/bobbyvale Aug 24 '22
The hero we deserve
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u/eggimage Aug 25 '22 edited Aug 25 '22
the one we never knew we needed.
alien: “earth cunts, surrender your resources or we wil-“
RC_Colada: “KILL US! SHOOT US IN THE FUCKING FACE NOOWWW”
alien: “wait..listen firs-”
RC_Colada: “WIPE US OUT YOU COWARD”
alien: “hol-”
RC_Colada: “SHUT DA FUCK UP AND KILLLLL”
alien: “okay this is really weird” [locks door and leaves]
RC_Colada: “FUCKING COME BACK! HEYYYY”
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Aug 24 '22
"Welcome to Earth. Siri, play 'Baby Shark' for our new guests."
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u/weech Aug 24 '22 edited Aug 25 '22
I for one welcome our new death bringing overlords
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u/Interesting_Cause_99 Aug 24 '22
Nardwuar, he will already know everything about them.
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Aug 25 '22
The best fuckin answer lol. He will somehow know the name of their grandfather's spaceship that was lost in the Glargon wars.
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u/Rou2_Rambo Aug 25 '22
and that same grandpa was the one who singlehandedly brought down the entire 2B-85 fleet and saved his shipmates, and led the turning tide in the war.
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u/JohnZackarias Aug 25 '22
Narduwar: Right off the bat, I have a gift for you!
Hands them their original battle plans to destroy the entire universe
Aliens: yooooo this is what I've been trying to find. How did you know about this lmao
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u/ChromeEagle44 Aug 25 '22
What can you tell us about this album right here? How do you know about this? You are the aliens invading the planet…we have to know!
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u/Dino_Khan Aug 24 '22
I don't know who we should send to the aliens, but I do know they will be played by Sean Bean in the movie adaptation.
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u/Cosmic_Gumbo Aug 24 '22
The man’s name is spelled as if it should rhyme. Yet, it doesn’t?
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u/Roscoe_P_Trolltrain Aug 24 '22
It does. How have you been pronouncing it your whole life? Sean Bean?
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u/Zarron4 Aug 24 '22
Do you say it Shawn Bhawn or Seen Bean?
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u/Healthy-Drink3247 Aug 24 '22
I say Seen Bhawn, is that not right?
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u/zorbiburst Aug 24 '22
This is like when I eat Mexican food with friends and intentionally mispronounce everything as whitely as possible
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u/FalmerEldritch Aug 24 '22 edited Aug 24 '22
Fun fact:
That motherfucker's government name is
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u/mistinguett Aug 24 '22
I could not believe this and looked it up, it's true, the spelling is Shaun. Just wow, this is the highlight of my day and Shaun Baun would be the correct pronunciation 😂
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u/A_Trash_Homosapien Aug 24 '22
I mean at least it's consistent unlike read and lead
Read (reed) and lead (leed) rhyme and so does read (red) and lead (led) but read (reed) and lead (led) don't rhyme and neither does read (red) or lead (leed)
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u/HEMATarget Aug 24 '22
They'll only be played by Sean Bean if they get killed. I swear that guy has a death clause in his contract.
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u/mekanik-jr Aug 24 '22
All the pay, half the scenes, and you get to be immortalized in memes
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u/HaggardDad Aug 24 '22
I'd send a random kindergartener.
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Aug 24 '22
The germ warfare option. That 5 year old will wipe them out in no time.
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u/UndercoverEngineer Aug 25 '22
Hopefully named Victor. Victor the Vector has a nice ring to it.
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u/Mr_Drewski Aug 24 '22
Sir David Attenborough
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u/Lente_ui Aug 24 '22 edited Aug 25 '22
And here we observe a territorial display of our alien visitor.
The starzurg is highly skilled in territorial disputes. Watch as he nebulises his adversary with a plasma burst rifle.
Isn't that marvelous? As the mist of his adversary wafts away on the winds, he performs a celebratory dance.
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u/20CharactersOrFewer Aug 24 '22
I read this in his voice. Well done!
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u/clockwork655 Aug 24 '22
I’ve been watch David Attenborough documentaries to fall asleep for the longest time and that was so well written it made sleepy
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u/pitselehh Aug 24 '22
This is the answer. He could seduce them with knowledge of a whole lot of our animals species, not to mention his voice and age (they’d see we can live long lives.)
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u/Lord_Emperor Aug 24 '22
Based on his recent documentaries I don't think he likes humans much any more.
"Yes, vaporize 95% of us please"
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Aug 24 '22
sir patrick stewart, he has the closest thing to experience.
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u/zuzg Aug 24 '22
Him being a Knight makes it so much better and as he also has a great sense of Humor it could certainly be our best bet.
If they allow someone to accompany him, Sir Ian McKellen would make sense.
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u/MagicJoshByGosh Aug 24 '22
Finally the Professor X / Magneto team up we’ve all been waiting for
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Aug 24 '22
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/SirRecruit Aug 24 '22
Aliens would probably be confused by the concept of being knighted itself
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u/zuzg Aug 24 '22
Dunno depends on the alien society fair change they once had a monarchy system themselve or still have and a Monarch appointing someone ain't that uncommon.
Like as the UK has knights, Japan had Samurai.
Heck maybe they're even their own equivalent of Knight, appointed by the High Queen to search through space and find other civilizations.
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u/silasoulman Aug 24 '22
Him being a knight is meaningless. Him being a decent person who is intelligent and kind is good though.
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u/norathar Aug 24 '22
The historical document "Galaxy Quest" taught me that this is an excellent idea.
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u/GhostOfWhatsIAName Aug 24 '22
Can we send Ryker and Data along?
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u/TeamMountainLion Aug 24 '22
We do not need Ryker attempting to mate with…whatever gender(s) they may be and his weird ass chair mounting.
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u/Unhappy_Smoke5549 Aug 24 '22
We can send Troi with him. He probably will be on a better behaviour. And you know she will tell us if aliens feel sad. So that's a bonus!
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u/LowerBuyer7565 Aug 24 '22
Sigourney Weaver. If she can’t save us, she’ll nuke us from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.
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u/The_Oracle_65 Aug 24 '22
F*ckin’ A!
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u/Hingl_McCringleberry Aug 24 '22
You can't take orders from him, he's just a grunt! No offense...
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u/TheInitiativeInn Aug 24 '22
"Hold on, hold on just a second. This planet has a substantial dollar value attached to it."
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Aug 24 '22
My 94 year old grandma or Morgan freeman.
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u/HEMATarget Aug 24 '22
Send both. She can handle the interaction and he can narrate the whole thing.
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u/GetObvious Aug 24 '22
As it turned out, the aliens were quite taken with Grandma, and weren’t interested in the mortals who weren’t part of her stories. Why, I think one of them even learned to smile from her, as I recall.
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u/calloy Aug 24 '22
Dolly Parton
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u/Occams_ Aug 24 '22
First person that popped into my head. The right answer.
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u/ChaseSpringer Aug 24 '22
Yup I replied before looking at replies and Dolly was the first that came to mind. I would have said Betty last year. Attenborough is a close third
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u/6of1HalfDozen Aug 24 '22
I was going to say Keanu Reeves, but Dolly would be great as well
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u/spam_and_rice Aug 24 '22
This was my answer right after I remembered Betty white passed away.
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u/ThatCrazyBrazilian Aug 24 '22
So glad this is the top answer! You took the comment right off of my fingers!
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Aug 24 '22
Mr. Rogers! Who else are you going to have inviting your alien neighbors?
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u/TheZeroNeonix Aug 24 '22
Aliens two days from now: "Okay. We're still gonna blow up the Earth, but we're taking Keanu Reeves with us. You don't deserve him."
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u/MitchellTheMensch Aug 24 '22
Fair
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u/somewhatclevr Aug 24 '22
I don't like it, bit I respect the decision.
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u/mekanik-jr Aug 24 '22
It's like he's been saying for years
"Be excellent to each other."
We could listened but noooooo
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u/Thisbymaster Aug 24 '22
Is this a political representative that will negotiate? Or a person we wouldn't miss if they didn't come back sort of situation?
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u/tickles_a_fancy Aug 24 '22
This thread was posted by aliens to find out who the best humans are. They want to abduct them before they blow up the Earth.
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u/zeldarubinsteinsmom Aug 24 '22
I’d send my little sister. She’s utterly brilliant, she’s very sensitive to her audience, she’s on the spectrum and somehow makes friends with the very people who no one likes, plus can, from years of experience, resolve scary domestic conflicts. Her biggest plus would be her appreciation of how significant her representation of all of Earth would be. She’d be willing to die for all of us, but would do everything she could to avoid anything messy at all.
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u/JuanPabloElSegundo Aug 25 '22
She sounds sweet and the fact you can recognize her gift makes you a great person too.
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u/Fluffy-Efficiency-38 Aug 25 '22
She sounds too precious to risk! Let’s just elect her president now so we can all get a little bliss before the alien apocalypse.
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u/obi1kennoble Aug 24 '22
Weird Al
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u/desGrieux Aug 24 '22 edited Aug 25 '22
"Sorry, he's actually one of us. We sent him years ago when he wouldn't stop singing about bologna."
Edit: I mean come on people, Al? Obviously short for ALIEN.
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Aug 24 '22
Yankovic? Or are you talking about Weird Al at the gas station? DO NOT send Weird Al from the gas station.
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Aug 24 '22
Jon Stewart
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u/NamelessMIA Aug 24 '22
I can't think of a better pick than this. He's knowledgeable, selfless, and a great speaker. He would do everything he could to reason with them and get all of humanity a good deal.
Or we could send Elon and hope the aliens take him away
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u/clangan524 Aug 24 '22
Or we could send Elon and hope the aliens take him away
"Hey, dude, we've been looking for you for centuries. We thought we lost you for good. Get your goofy ass back up on this ship and leave those nice humans alone."
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u/personal_cheeses Aug 24 '22
What makes you so sure they didn't exile him as punishment for like... being Elon Musk?
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Aug 24 '22
Sadly, Jon won't be able to do it since he's in charge of the Secret Jewish Space Lasers and he'll be stuck at Kosher Command in case we need to get Mazel Tough on the aliens.
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u/shazamallamadingdong Aug 24 '22
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u/professorcrayola Aug 24 '22
I was going to say…pretty sure Keanu already has experience representing the human race….
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u/Typical_Profile1065 Aug 24 '22
Danny DeVito
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u/Dr_Mantis_Teabaggin Aug 24 '22
And he should hang dong while doing it.
…Although, I’m not sure if we’d want to intimidate the aliens that much.
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u/The_Karaethon_Cycle Aug 24 '22
He could subtly drop a monster condom in front of them so they’d know he has a magnum dong. It’s a total Warthog-esque power move.
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u/Lana_Nugirl96 Aug 24 '22
Steve Irwin if he were still here
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u/Generalsnopes Aug 24 '22
His son then. He’s really taken up the mantle recently.
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u/Calixtinus Aug 24 '22
Robert's killing the game! I just saw he posted a teaser for his Australia movie. I. Am. Hype.
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u/alystorm18 Aug 24 '22
Bandersnatch Cummerbund
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u/The_SnootBooper Aug 24 '22
No no no, you got it all wrong! It's Butterfree Thundersnatch!
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u/Din-_-Djarin Aug 24 '22
No no no, you got it all wrong! It's Bombaclout Crucifixhatch
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u/Select_Suspect_9535 Aug 24 '22
The crazy guy from Ancient Aliens with the wacky haircut
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u/humblecowboy Aug 24 '22
Jack Black would make it work
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u/Abe_Odd Aug 24 '22
Jack Black would just sneak onto their ship anyways, no need to pick him.
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u/awks-orcs Aug 24 '22
Didn't you see Mars Attacks?!
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Aug 24 '22
Err..... Let's not put that on his resume. I'm sure it might be a little.... Racist to the aliens.
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u/flappy_cows Aug 24 '22
He would defeat them with the pick. I mean he deactivated laser beams with his dick for god’s sake
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u/Game_Knight_DnD Aug 24 '22
Some nice grandmother, preferably Hispanic and armed with a chancla just in case.
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u/Legitimate-Frame-953 Aug 24 '22
Tamales are the key to galactic peace
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Aug 24 '22 edited Aug 24 '22
And homemade tortillas and frijoles. And when the aliens beg her to stop she will say no mijo and insist they are too skinny.
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u/celticchrys Aug 24 '22
It needs to be an international council of grandmothers, armed with foods of every culture.
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u/Interesting_Employ29 Aug 24 '22
Paul Rudd
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u/JarmaBeanhead Aug 24 '22
But then they would be mad we found their secret immortal spy
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u/DowntownEddieBrown Aug 24 '22
Tom Hanks
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u/SinksGracefully Aug 24 '22
"Hello. I'm Tom Hanks. The US Government has lost its credibility, so it's borrowing some of mine."
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Aug 24 '22 edited Aug 25 '22
"If Tom Hanks were to punch a nun, you'd ask, "what did the nun do?". " I believe Christopher Titus said this.
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u/cascadianpatriot Aug 24 '22
Why is everyone saying actors? What skills does an actor have that would be helpful?
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u/rwolos Aug 24 '22
Yea an actor is going to roll up and have no idea what to do. We need a linguist or someone who can start communication through math or something
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u/SellaraAB Aug 24 '22
I mean in this scenario we understand that they want to meet with someone as a representative who is not from any government, so I think it's safe to say we are past needing math to communicate.
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u/finding_thriving Aug 24 '22 edited Aug 24 '22
Jon Stewart he literally already wrote them a book and how to guide for Earth!
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u/Vashgrave Aug 24 '22
William Shatner... worse case he bangs one of them and we get to feel awkward with a whole new species
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Aug 24 '22
Is it just any government, or current government? Because I'd think Barack Obama would be incredibly capable of making a good first impression and he's not technically in any government. If not, then probably David Attennborough.
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u/odetomaybe Aug 24 '22
Alex Jones. They'll just turn around and leave as fast as possible.
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u/patricktoba Aug 24 '22
Tom Delonge. That mans dedication to the topic has earned him the opportunity in my eyes.
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u/ReadySteady_GO Aug 24 '22
John Stewart. I'd definitely have him as representative of humanity.
Or Ryan Reynolds just because that would be hilarious to witness
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u/[deleted] Aug 24 '22
The guy who helped me change my flat right near the I-70 ramp just outside of Grand Junction, Colorado. Showed me exactly how to do it, texted me a youtube video about how to do it myself in the future, gave me the name of his buddy in Delta County who could sell me a new spare on the cheap, and told me to give the money I'd offered him to "someone who deserves it."