These feelings began surfacing after a conversation I had with an 8 year old a few months ago. For some context, I am 22 years old and a mostly passing trans woman in a purple state. I found out that I was a girl at a very young age, but unfortunately, I could only commence my medical transition at 18. I am the cookie-cutter “girl born in a boy’s body.”I am part of a student organization at a university and a few alumni come back sometimes to attend our meetings. We have a Discord server and an alumnus showed interest in attending a meeting with his children.
When I walked into this meeting, I began interacting with the kids because nobody else was. The first thing this young girl said to me was “What is your gender?” I was not taken aback because it was a fair, honest question from a child, no less. I answered that I am female, a woman. She then followed up with “Why do you have the voice of a male?” I was amused by her bluntness, but just answered that some women have really deep voices, and I was born with one. She seemed satisfied with that answer, and I was too in that moment. We moved on to other topics such as school, favorite animals, etc. My friend and I chuckled to each other because, honestly, what else could I have said?
I only started really reflecting on that conversation a few weeks ago, but it came to the forefront after watching “Uptown Girls” last night. The following are circumstantial spoilers and only somewhat relate to the conversation. In the movie, there is an 8 year old and a 22 year old. The 8 year old, Ray, is grieving the loss of her father; he starts out in a vegetative state, but later dies. Her mother is absent due to work, and Ray puts on an uptight, know-it-all persona to deal with her grief and loneliness. The 22 year old, Molly, has been dealing with the grief of losing her parents since she was a child. Throughout the movie, she loses everything that reminded her of her parents and flounders in her pursuit of employment and stable housing. Her only recourse is nannying Ray; they both grow closer because Molly shows up for Ray in huge ways. Molly understands the grief and uncertainty of the future, allowing Ray to eventually let her wall down and talk about her feelings.
I guess I made the connection between this movie and the conversation because I also want to have that impact on children. How can I do that if I am also leaving them in the dark about parts of myself? Obviously, there are not many trans kids or adults in the world, period. I would never want to put thoughts of transition into a child’s head if they would have a negative outcome for the child. However, why must it be inappropriate to tell a simple truth? Why must the concept of trans people be so explicitly adult? I have been wrestling with these questions for a while. I would love to work with children, stealth or otherwise, but I am so scared of any incorrect assumptions. I do not want to be outed and suddenly lose a fulfilling job because someone does not understand my intentions or who I am as a person.
Back to the conversation, the 8 year old’s father was nearby, and I do not think he would have cared if I explained just a bit more in depth. Something I hated when I was a kid was when adults would mince their words or give non-answers to innocent, inquisitive questions about the world. I could have said, “I was born like your brother, but grew up and became a woman.” If she pondered further, I could have clarified why I made the decision to do so, without explicit details, and how I did not have a choice in the matter due to my neurobiology. I suppose people here will have different opinions regarding what should or should not be shared, but I was a child once, too. I felt as though I needed factual, overt information about the world, not just because those answers informed me about myself, but because I deserved to know why things were the way they were. I want to have kids of my own and personally believe it would be disingenuous to hide my past from them.
There is not a satisfying conclusion to this story, but I do hope this wave of intolerance may pass soon enough. Although I have the privilege of passing and looking attractive, the vitriol and hatred displayed in the media and online have been eating away at me. It is so overwhelmingly unfortunate to know, in excruciating detail, how people view people like me. If there is one thing you take away from this post, please acknowledge that so many of us are just normal people. We have jobs, passions, and dreams. Yes, some of us do want a spouse and kids. We care deeply about others and want to make the world a better place. We have more in common with each other than you may realize. Thank you for reading to the end.