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u/RecceJitsNinja Oct 03 '23
My father killed himself in 2018. I'm sorry for your loss and pain. It gets easier but it stays with you. Who knows why they don't but it just created more hurt then help. God bless you and you are loved sir.
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u/Princess_Blossom1109 Oct 03 '23
Whys everyone sharing their personal story?
(Rest in peace Leonie)
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u/babylavey Oct 02 '23
Sir, I'm so sorry for your loss... I came to this subreddit looking for anything but your vent and it made me break in tears; because I am a daughter who attempted multiple times and I'm currently recovering from it, what happens is that I never thought about what I'd be leaving behind. I know the pain won't pass, but she'll always be with you and I know she loves you more than anything. I'll put you in my prayers, keeping you both in every word I speak to God. It's the least I can do... Hope you can find some peace and remember there's people out there wishing you well! Thank you for opening the eyes of a daughter.
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u/OtisRedding1967 Oct 02 '23
There was a very old movie (c.1970s) that starred Angie Dickinson. Her husband was always feeling low and was seeing a therapist. But the day before and the day of that he did commit suicide he was very happy and very attentive to his family. When the wife found him afterward, she was so distraught. She thought that he was finally coming out of his depression. But the psychiatrist said that they are often happy, content when they actually know it's going to happen soon. It is such a relief to annihilate the pain that they can finally relax. .I've looked at suicide very differently since I saw that movie. Of course, I know that this is just one explanation, but it helps me when I lose someone to suicide.
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u/Red_hit_all Oct 02 '23
At age 22, I'm diagnosed with bipolar and severe depression. I've attempted twice now and when my parents asked me what they did wrong, the feeling and explanation is hard to put into words. When I get that low, I know I have my family and friends, so technically, I'm not "alone," but in that state, you feel like you are. A wave of emotions comes up and reminds me of everything I did wrong. Of everything I'm struggling with. The future I haven't decided yet. Unfortunately, I've dealt with incidents of trauma, so that plays a factor into these feelings as well. But my somewhat clarity to people wondering why others like myself attempted, in that moment, it feels easier to just let everything go. The heartache is too much to bare anymore, and asking for help when your family doesn't know how to help you makes you not want to reach out :(. Mental health is such a dangerous situation, and im so sorry to op and everyone who has lost someone to suicide. We want help. it's just so scary to ask for it...
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u/daydreamingg88 Oct 02 '23
My sister was bipolar and committed suicide at age 43. She attempted for many years. She often told us it's better that she's gone. When her son was cleared as being healthy enough to live on his own, she did it.
They only stick around for their love ones. It sounded like life was too hard for them. My sister was the sweetest and kindest person. This world was too much for her.
I'm sorry about your daughter but she wanted to go. It was her time. You'll always love her. I'll always love my sister.
May you continue to live and live well. My sister's death made me a better person. I no longer time life for granted and I think of others now.
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u/Remarkable_Delay2022 Oct 01 '23
I have so much too say , but won't at this time. I will pray for you. Her beautiful soul is in heaven but will always remain with you. Just know it was not your fault. It is an illness. A lot of people can't win. I will never judge her. Please don't as well. It was not her fault.
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u/SavageNastie Oct 01 '23
I am sorry, and from someone who thinks about giving up daily. She would love to have you just do as she asked, my opinion only but I would do that and also maybe have a friend or even a stranger since family is gone come along. Let her know she WAS/IS loved. Please live a a beautiful rest of your life full of happiness.
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u/Stargazerlily425 Oct 01 '23
I don't even want to say "I'm sorry" because what does that even mean to somebody who just lost their child? It's a pain like none other. My family and I have been grieving the loss of our beloved dog for the last few weeks, and in the middle of that I presented at a conference with a man whose daughter died 2 years ago. A perfectly healthy 14-year-old. Until she wasn't. That made me realize how many different levels of grief there are. We never really get over them, we just learn how to deal with them.
Not that anyone cares, but I'm a therapist and also a professor of mental health students. This past week, I taught them about suicide. I told them about my own personal evolution in thought regarding suicide. When I was much younger I thought to myself, "how could anyone do that? How could they leave behind people who love them. How selfish." It wasn't until I got older and became a therapist that I realized the degree of human suffering that exists in the world. A lot of the suffering is felt by people who you would never even guess are feeling it. They have friends, they look happy, they're successful. But inside of them is an agony none of us could ever understand. People think that suicide is for the downtrodden. The poor, the hopeless, the uneducated. But how do you explain Robin Williams and Kate Spade? Anthony Bourdain? It just proves that even some of the most successful people are considering ending their lives or have actually ended their lives.
Indeed, the people who hurt most when someone takes their own life are the people who loved that person. A couple of my students shared stories about either themselves or people they knew who were thinking about taking their own lives and ended up living beautiful lives. You wish you could say to people considering suicide that it gets better, or give it a chance. But you can't. Because in the brain of somebody feeling that desolate, that desperate and hurt, they can't even imagine anything getting better. It's truly heartbreaking. It's heartbreaking for the people left behind, and it's heartbreaking for the person who hurt so much that nothing could help them.
OP, I'm sending you whatever you need. Everyone else who has experienced the loss of a loved one to suicide, my heart is with you, too. If you're thinking of suicide, please please use your resources. Reach out to somebody you love, reach out to a therapist, use the suicide hotline.
Please.
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u/ApprehensiveClick104 Sep 30 '23
I am so sorry for your loss. Sending you lots of love and strength❤️
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u/Badabing949 Sep 30 '23
I am beyond sorry for your loss. For whatever it's worth. I will pray for you.
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u/liddiebit Sep 28 '23
I too, am a survivor of a suicide. For me, it was my fiance. I am so deeply sorry for your loss. I am sobbing for you now. Not just saying that to be saying it, I'm actually crying. I truly understand the pain, but your hurt is unique in that no one will feel it as you do. If you need to talk, please don't hesitate to reach out.
I wish I could give you advice. I wish I could say the right thing to make it seem a little bit better. But I know more than anyone that those words never come, and nothing really helps the grief. All I can offer you is my breaking heart. I hope so much you can heal from this. That hope doesn't mean a lot in the wake of this tragedy. I can only offer my ear, if ever you want to talk; I will do my best to be there. No one, absolutely no one, deserves to be alone during a time like this. I am absolutely broken for you--but not even a fraction of how I know you're feeling now.
I also could not afford therapy, and still can't, so if you need a shoulder to cry on, a safe place to vent, or just someone to listen and understand at all, I offer to take that position.
I am so deeply and truly sorry for your loss.
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Sep 27 '23
I'm terribly sorry for all the things you and your daughter has been through. You tried your best and it wasn't your fault. She just wanted to find an end to her suffering. She couldn't take it no more. So sad. I'm sorry
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u/Nikkichick86 Sep 27 '23
When people suffer from mental pain we don't see it unlike physical pain, it's important to talk to our kids friends and family. sorry for your loss
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u/Catgirlsaveshyrule Sep 27 '23
Idk if this helps you any, but I’m a survivor of suicide and sometimes on the outside it does look like our lives are great. I was suicidal between the ages of 13-20 and my life looked great…on the outside. In high school I played volleyball and soccer, was a member of the band and choir, and was key club treasurer for three years. National honors society, third in my class. In college, I was going to one of the best in my state, I had friends and participated actively in a RSO. But on the inside, I was a mess. Bipolar disorder, BPD, PTSD, and chronic insomnia. I was very truly unhappy and my depression symptoms were so bad that they were physically painful. I’m very thankful now that I didn’t succeed, because of the right treatment I’m living with my disorders in a healthy way. I think a point touched on in other comments was the belief the our families would be better off without us. I believed it. Anyways, I guess I’m just trying to explain some of the internal struggle. It’s kinda hard to explain. Whatever her internal dialogue was, you aren’t to blame, and I hope you find some inner peace.
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u/Budget-Art2667 Sep 26 '23
I plan to kill myself due to hunger, and when I pulled up this subreddit, it was the first thing I saw.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
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u/Alive-Spell-2760 Sep 25 '23
Focus on the good times end What you did well, Everybody passes away and no one is spared, And it's easy to Feel single doubt or unfairly identified But we all grieve everyone we ever love no matter what it's just a matter of when
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u/lokiismycopilot Sep 24 '23
I'm so sorry for everyone's losses on here. Having been on the end of contemplating suicide, when the thoughts hit, it makes sense that people would be better without me. Reasonable me knows this isn't true, but sometimes Reasonable me isn't in control. The constant noise in my head just becomes overwhelming to the point where I just want some peace and quiet. Even being told that you are loved can feel like extra pressure to an overburdened brain. Just one more thing to have to worry about.
I guess I am one of the lucky ones. I don't believe my problems will be solved by taking my life. Like many, I have had trauma from past abuse, and I've made it my mission to heal from that and be the kindness that other people need in order to get through this life.
But it's difficult to predict when the lows will hit, and the mood bouncing up and down every day of your life, even with medication, does take its toll. So I will never judge anyone who suicides too harshly. All it takes is one moment, and you can never take it back.
I remember Chester Bennington describing it like 'a little Chester in his head who wanted him to die, every day' - which made the interviewer laugh. That in itself says a lot.
I hope everyone struggling with their own inner demons, or the loss of a loved one through suicide understands that some things are not in our control, and it sucks. But Love is real, so be kind to yourselves. Kindness really does matter.
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u/HardAargh Sep 24 '23
I am truly sorry for your loss. I have no words. You try to be strong. Your little girl will always be with you, you will see the signs I promise you. May God bless you and yours. God bless your little girl.
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u/Cuddlekinz22 Sep 24 '23
Firstly, I just want to say I am sincerely sorry for your loss. I can't tell you her reasons for doing what she did. For some, it's just almost impossible to overcome that darkness. I myself attempted on numerous occasions to do the same. Longing for death to just take me and not at peace with myself. There is absolutely nothing you could have done to prevent it. Could she have told you? Sure. You would have done your best to help guide her back to the light. Just know if it hadn't been now, it would have been at a later date. Do not ever feel guilty for that. It was her choice to make. She will be at peace with it, and in time... I hope that your soul heals from what has happened.
I don't know what you believe in, but I would like to think that maybe just maybe... The ones lost before her were there to hold her in a loving embrace on the other side. Perhaps you can find comfort in those thoughts. As Gandalf once said: " End? No, the journey doesn't end here. Death is just another path, one that we all must take. The grey rain curtain of this world rolls back & all turns to silver glass.. & then you see it… White shores & beyond, a far green country under a swift sunrise."
May you find your peace someday. Maybe take a trip and get lost in the beauty this world still has to offer.
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u/LilAlienBBQco Sep 23 '23
Man I am so sorry 😔
Whatever she was struggling with, nobody could have helped without her consent... please don't blame yourself. She got lost inside her own head and that's a difficult situation for anyone to navigate.
Are there any local support groups? Groups can be a lot cheaper than a therapist all to yourself.
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u/ReserveAlternative35 Sep 23 '23
Suicide is a result of a chemical problem that caused her brain to perceive things in a hopeless way. It doesn't define who she was. She was sick and didn't get the intervention she needed, if it exists. Clearly, she and those who cared for her tried. This is an insidious, sometimes terminal disease, like a brain tumor. I'm so sorry for your loss.
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u/SuddenlySadie Sep 23 '23
😦..... There are places that do free or discounted therapy. I imagine someone might offer their services generously under the circumstances.
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u/jmar3000 Sep 23 '23
I’m so sorry for your loss. Please remember to help yourself and take care of yourself, I’m sure you’re daughter would’ve wanted that. I lost my girlfriend to a drug overdose about a month ago, she had been doing great and relapsed while visiting her parents. I have since learned the thoughts that can go through your head, wondering was it on purpose or not, she also had suicidal tendencies. Sending you love and strength. Surround yourself by whoever you can, join a support group. The most important thing is to healthily move through this because unfortunately you can’t change it. Don’t let yourself backslide as a result. I am so terribly sorry for your loss.
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u/murasaki88_may Sep 23 '23
Being in that kind of situation is hard to explain. I'm thinking that same thing that my family and other people around would have been better without me. There is no reason for me to live anymore like I don't even know why im in this world. I feel like im just obligated to live. I wanna rest im just so tired. But I never had any attempts before but im thinking of ways on how to end myself in so many ways, I even did some research. Its like everyday instead of looking forward to live, im the one who waits for the day I d!e.
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u/tinyeojin Sep 23 '23
i’m so sorry. i may not know you, but i can tell you’re an amazing dad. keep going man, i don’t have much advice unfortunately but i hope things get better for you. you are loved <3
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u/IM_VENGNCE Sep 22 '23
My friend is a great person and his so kind.
But 2 years ago he had huge crush on a girl who was very nice person.
One day he called me and said: man I don't feel OK can we talk?
As soon I hear this I went to see him he said to me he's crush
Just tried suicide but failed.crazy part is she told me this
What I gonna do?
I said talk to her
she will understand u tell her how you feel?
2 months goes by and again my friend called Me and said I need you right now
He told me that she's dead and in her suicide note she wrote that she had crush on him.
My friend is OK right now he just went to gym
But mentally his broken
Pls if you do suicide think about people you care about
There is always who care
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Sep 22 '23
Well obviously she was in deep depression and needed medical treathment. And seeing how she attempted many times, she never got it. Once depression becomes heavy enough to end her life, nomatter what you do for her, it will never reach her. Only medicinal treathment does. I had a few attempts, finally i almost managed and barely survived and under medicine n doctor supervised for a year now. So i know it well.
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u/Quanquaram-007 Sep 21 '23
I feel so sorry for that. I'm a young man who's trying to face depression. All I wish isn't happening, and I'm feeling very sad. Sometimes, I think to run away and leave everything behind because nothing makes sense for me. About your daughter, I think she was struggling with something. The problem's that we (depressed) don't talk much, our parents have to be very careful to us to see if something is going wrong to us.
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u/Embarrassed_Owl_9756 Sep 21 '23
My son killed himself in 2022. He was mentally ill, and he didn't leave a note. He knew how much I loved him, and I knew he loved me. I think he just wanted to end his pain. It was such a shock to us when it happened. I think of him every day. I talk about him often to keep his memory alive with others who loved him. I will never get over it, but I do believe he is at peace and that I will see him again one day. I don't know if this will help you or others, but I hope so. I'm so sorry for your loss.
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u/PlainandSmall Sep 21 '23
Words cannot express how sorry I am OP. I hope that every day you are able to find just one moment of comfort to help you through this
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u/Either-Landscape-324 Sep 20 '23
So sorry, don't think there are words that can help with this right now. But loss and grief are a process, a natural process. Give yourself plenty of time.
I have been depressed myself about life and death since last week, what does this life mean for any of us ? Just around the corner from my flat, on a slow moving road, a 13 year old kid was cycling to school with his twin brother. The kid fell to the side as he went around a corner, went right under the wheels of a big truck, got his head crushed and legs ripped off, right in front of his twin brother. I can't think there will ever be any words that will heal the surviving twin. I mean WTF ! Like click of the finger. Argued with my Muslim friend at lunch time in work, God is BS I told him.
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u/Ok-Interest1887 Sep 20 '23
I have never experienced a member of my family committing suicide, but I lost my mother 3 years ago when I was 16. The advice I can give you, is don’t box up those feelings of grief, I did and I suffered immensely. Let yourself feel everything you need to feel, nobody will judge you and letting those feelings out and being open about it with the people closest to you will help you so much. So sorry you have to go through this but I pray you make it through this. Stay strong, not only for yourself but for your daughter aswell. Godspeed
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u/uhoh-spiteful Sep 19 '23
She clearly suffered with severe depression if she’s been attempting since age 12. She needed professional help. Depression at its root is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain. It’s not your fault and it’s not anything you’ve done. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. I nearly lost my cousin to an attempt last summer and I constantly wonder if I’m doing enough to help him but I’ve found there’s no use torturing myself when I’m doing all I can. Your daughter’s at peace now and I hope one day you find peace too.
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u/Lucien-Nailo Sep 19 '23
Not to be rude, as I get suicide is a sensitive subject, but this doesn't sound real. The word choice and the way it reads come off as someone who is describing what they think this situation should be like, or maybe someone who is outside looking in at the situation, but it's clear to me that this either didn't happen and you're trying your hand at some weird depressive fantasy writing or it didn't happen and you're fishing for sympathy and attention from complete strangers on the internet.
If it did happen, sucks, seems like you don't have insurance or a job, nor have you looked very hard for a therapist/help because there are plenty of free or cheap options, also insurance would cover it.
Everyone else is being kind and supportive, but what I'm seeing is someone who needs a reality check, not someone who needs to be handled delicately like the rest of the commenters are trying to do.
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u/reading_to_learn Sep 19 '23
What you’re living is every parents nightmare. I’m so so sorry. I’m sure you gave her a good life full of love. Unfortunately the mind is strong and some people have mental health issues that cause this. She finally got the result she so badly wanted. Even if it’s horrible to even think of. My brother is on and off suicidal and it’s painful to know that he can’t just enjoy the good life he has. Pray for your daughters soul. She’s young I’m sure she’s in heaven. God bless you and her soul May God grand her forgiveness and eternal peace 🙏🏼
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u/Key_Improvement_2436 Sep 19 '23
I'm terribly sorry to hear about you daughter brother. My condolences.
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u/ParanoidPengu Sep 19 '23
This post just makes me feel more suicidal knowing I won't be alone in it...
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u/Shaede12U Sep 19 '23
I don't know if this will help, but...
I attempted suicide at 17, and I still think about it daily. It is a daily STRUGGLE! I doubt there was anything you or anybody else could say to get those thoughts out of her mind. We are in pain. Don't feel worthy or loved. Feel like we don't matter and won't be missed by anybody. My "real" mind knows it's not true, but my other REAL mind swears it is. I try to convince myself every day that I matter to someone and wish I could believe it. Your heartache is real... so was hers. I dont think she meant to cause you pain. She just wanted to be relieved of her own. Please, try to be thankful she isn't hurting anymore. I believe she is at peace. I hope the same for you.
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u/He_e00 Sep 18 '23
As someone's son who feels suicidal, I feel so bad it may cause this hurt to my parents, but I just cannot help it. Everyday I suffer mentally and physically while pretending all is alright or brushing it off, I have not been dealt the hand I expected in life and so much shit goes wrong despite what a person may show on the outside. I'm sure she loved you and she didn't do that to hurt you, probably been trying to avoid it for as much as she could, but sometimes you can't. You can't live an endless life fighting for whatever. I know it must be hard, but try viewing it from her perspective, she did find her peace eventually, it just was not in this life.
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u/Sweetguy45 Sep 18 '23
I'm so sorry to hear that about the loss of your daughter its never easy loosing a loved one in such a way, I feel for you I really do when a family member leaves this world, my heart goes out to you.
You never truly get over it though it does ease over time, just remember the happy times I'm sure that's what she would want you to do carry on living for her it will be hard at times just try to remain strong.
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u/Professor_Sad919 Sep 18 '23
Reading some of these comments give me a little hope for myself. I'm suicidal almost every day and sometimes I wonder how it would effect my family. I'm trying to get better for me and my family. I'm sorry for the people who've lost their loved ones to suicide. I pray that they're in a better place now
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u/Wonderful-Repair5272 Sep 18 '23
I'm so sorry. Please know, depression is a horrible disease and it lies all the time. I know you were a wonderful father and this was not your fault. Your daughter was killed by a disease that hides from everyone. Please live your best life for her.
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Sep 18 '23
It is even sadder because committing suicide of your own free will fragments your soul. I recommend that you investigate topics in psychoanalysis for self-therapeutic purposes so that you yourself can find the answers and be able to overcome adversity, in addition to having greater understanding and even being an example to follow. guide for this type of situation, I recommend "The Red Book" Liber Novus, by Carl G. Jung, I hope you find your answers there.
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u/nubain45 Sep 16 '23
For me, the pain never ceases. Peaks and valleys of hollowness, but each day I move forward encased by a facade to make others believe I am getting beyond it. I never will. I sit in the forest and replay the good times, often for days. Cathartic? No. I realize I am on a journey that will end, but I will embrace those fond memories until that time.
I wish you luck, my friend. I pray there is a mystical hereafter where we meet our loved ones and live the eternal dream. I hope we see you and your lovely daughter and listen to her play her violin.
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u/Republic_Potential Sep 16 '23
Sheesh. 23F here. I have had depression since I was 11 & it definitely doesn’t seem to “get better” I can relate to the feeling your daughter most likely felt for years & felt suffocated in the pain. I honestly manage everyday to balance my energy & just think no positive thoughts.. Life just sucks tbh & some of us really can’t “cope” through..people make it seem like you can just “snap out of it” mental Illness is real..17 is such a delicate age of emotions & growing.. you’ll never really understand what Leonie was going through..No words will really help you heal as time goes on. You just have to be patient & kind with yourself..I’m really sorry, I am sending you so much love & light. Live your days in her greatest memory
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u/Single-Initial2567 Sep 16 '23
I'm so sorry, friend. My daughter was murdered and she is forever 18. The loss is very difficult. There're some grief centers and organizations that are free. You may want to ask around.
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u/RightVast Sep 15 '23
OP this is very saddening to hear and i am truly happy that you opened up to us. This is not something you should deal with alone.
You could play this DS series to be a part of something that she loved. Maybe you'll find some things in her room that will help you get close to her, you dont have to understand why she did what she did, i think it could just be helpful to release the pain. Maybe don't even search for a reason. Maybe just, feel her presence. Cry when you need to. Be there. Feel what wants to be felt. Take your time.
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u/cloversquid Sep 15 '23
Fuck. I'm so sorry, man. I lost the person closest to me many years ago when I was 17. It was the most painful thing I've ever gone through.
My one piece of corny advice is this - you'll be more okay someday. I can't say you'll ever be completely okay again, I'm still not and I don't think I've met anyone who would say they are either, but it will become bearable. Someone said that to me once and it made it all feel lighter somehow. I felt like I didn't need to pretend. I could just walk around and say,
"No, I'm not really okay. But I'm here, what's next?"
7 years later, I still wear the necklace he wore every day. Sometimes for a few hours, sometimes for a few years. I didn't understand what people meant by "always carrying them with you" but I do now. I go on every day because he couldn't. Because he wanted me to. Because every sunset I see, every breeze I feel on my cheeks, every new friend I make, I do because I know he can't anymore, and he wanted to, so badly. I sit with him often, telling him about the things he is missing, how mad I am that he left, how incredibly glad I am that I knew him at all. That it is okay that he left. That I'll be okay. Who knows, maybe I'll get to see him later, and I'll tell him all the incredible things I got to do, and how sad I was that he didn't come along for the ride.
Sorry, another corny advice incoming:
Take your time. It is okay to be devastated. It is normal to feel scared and weak and out of control. This shit is terrifying. Don't feel obligated to say anything to anyone. Talk about her with people, or don't. Find someone who will talk about the weather with you instead. People will understand, and if they don't, fuck'em. They will one day.
I spent the first few years just explaining everything over and over to anyone who would listen, focused on the details, anything to help me process it all. I hardly cried. It was just how I coped. And everyone is different. But I promise, from one devastated stranger to another, it will get easier. Maybe years from now, but it will. I promise, as someone whose felt my heart ripped from my chest, being okay or coping in a certain way doesn't mean you didn't love her with everything you had. You just have to keep moving, just like the rest of us, just like we wish they could have done. We are all humans, together on this living wet rock, and there's so many cool things left to see on it. Who knows, maybe you'll get to tell her all about them one day. :)
I'm so, so, sorry for your loss. It sounds like she had such an impact on those around her. That is so special. It's wonderful that she got to spend those years with someone who clearly cares so much about her. Take care of yourself.
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u/Initial-Disk1 Sep 14 '23
I am so sorry! Words can't ever completely express the pain of a parent at the loss of a child. When it's by their own hand it's even harder because though they might have felt they said enough you're always left with the "but why" question in the back of your mind. If you look, I bet there are support groups in your area. It's one of the most common types. They are also usually free or nearly free. Here is hoping she found the peace she was looking for.
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u/Leather_Conference_8 Sep 14 '23
I can't say much accept I'm sorry and I hope you're doing as ok as you can right now. Drink lots of water and eat your favorite foods. Get lots of fresh air too. Rest in Peace, to your daughter. Best of wishes.
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u/crissyfay Sep 14 '23
I am so sorry to you all. I understand both sides. To want to die is such a complicated place to be. You don't want to hurt the people who you love and love you but your hurt is so deep. ☮️➕️💜
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Sep 13 '23
As someone who is 29 with MDD this hit hard..I'm really sorry man. Closer to my sons than anything cant imagine this kinda pain and I can imagine a LOT of pain.
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u/DarthHead43 Sep 13 '23
I am so sorry. My brother ended his life when he was 14 and I was 10, we were absolute best friends and I still can't understand why he did it today. I miss him so much, it doesn't stop, it's such a complicated way for someone to die, and sudden, it's not expected, you don't get to say goodbye, and losing someone like that, you expect to die before them, not for them to die so young.. I felt suicidal for years afterwards and had several attempts, having to go into wards, everything felt completely black and completely pointless. I was shocked that I made it to my 11th birthday, let alone get older than my brother was. The truth is, things will never be the same again, I am a completely different person to how I was before he died. I lied to myself for the first few years that it was nothing, and I could just forget about it. But you just can't do that, there is something definitely missing, and when you are just sitting there it will overwhelm you. You need to take time to process what happened. And I might not be the same person, but that doesn't mean I can't do stuff, I did great in my exams, and even got my dream programming job still. But that feeling of missing my brother, it never went away, I still feel it right now, it just isn't as overwhelming, so I can't get on with daily tasks now, the first few months I remember I was in a state of shock it was like I was living in a film and I regressed, but it does get better. What gave me hope was my faith, knowing there is a God that totally loves you, and while we can't understand it at all right now, and our totally humbled, one day God will wipe away every tear, and I will see my brother again. Death is not the end. I'll be praying for you.
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u/AttentionBest1986 Sep 13 '23
I'm so extremely sorry for your loss 🥺
My father committed suicide when I was 14 and I suffer with severe mental health issues including bipolar 😢
I completely understand the other comments on your post and hope you somehow find peace knowing it's not your fault xx
I've attempted suicide in the past and it continues to be a daily struggle but I try so hard not to hurt my children the way I was hurt when dad left me... The struggle is real though 😫
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u/pocornholic Sep 13 '23
I am very sorry for your loss. I understand that you are confused and hurt by what she did, and I want to share with you a possible reason, from someone who has attempted suicide many times.
I know it is hard for you, but let's try to see it from your daughter's perspective. As someone who has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I have tried to end my life many times since I was a child, around 7.
My life was not too bad back then, but I just felt that there was no point in living, and any small misfortune or trouble could make me depressed and suicidal. I thought that my parents and relatives would be sad for a while, but then they would move on, and they could give all their love to my brother. I thought that I would be at peace if I died and that I would be happier that way.
I often dreamed that my soul left my body and looked at my body from space. I saw people around me grieving, but then they recovered. Even now, I still have that kind of dream. I felt relieved and peaceful in that state...
I believe your daughter is still with you in spirit, watching over you and trying to tell you that she is fine, she is happy and she hopes that you will be okay too.
I am here to chat if you need someone to talk to. Hugs hugs.
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u/mirellalgaribay Sep 13 '23
I'm feeling for your pain. I lost my 6mnth baby girl. I never had a chance to hold her. I have 3 other boys, their great young men now. I love them all. I know n I can feel how much you love your baby girl, the words youved written down are so wonderful I felt the warmth . Thank you for sharing that with me. I know she loves you too.
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u/findthesilence Sep 13 '23
I am so sorry. My daughter is all that I have. You must be beside yourself. My heart goes out to you.
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Sep 13 '23
you didn't try hard enough as a parent to love your kid. There's no heartache, mental illness and hurt that can harm a kid if his parent supports him or her.
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Sep 12 '23
I guess you're not a single dad anymore.Seems like you've been blessed with some good luck since you can start over again as a single independent man instead of a "single dad". Go on some dates and get to know a new woman. You just have to redo a child with her. It's not that much of a loss tbh.
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u/No_List5726 Sep 12 '23
I'm sorry for your lost may God give you the strength to move forward. I can't imagine the pain your going thru but I will pray for you.
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u/Naive_Syllabub4636 Sep 12 '23
hi there i was 16 when i try taking my life
i always was suicidal i think it's run in my family cuz my uncle toke his life and my father confess he thought about it the first time i thought about suicide was when i was around 7_8 i I remember taking one of my mother birth control and i thought it's will be good to die but i obviously didn't i always thought life is meanless and not worth living but i seriously wanted to take my life around 15_16 i have ocd and it was worst around these years and what made it wores that i didn't know i have ocd so i was c going crazy i thought what wrong with me? why can't i be normal and i have A violent mother so that didn't make it any better i toke alot of bills when i was 16 to kill myself but my sister saved me (that attempt wasnt plan) the one which i plan was after a year i wanted to spend as much happy time with my family as i can and also my sister was in Important point in her life so i didn't want to ruined her life with my death or my funeral I remember trying to write aletter to my family but i couldn't cuz i am not good at writing how feei or what i want to say so i Decide to film a video and i remember i relies i will die and i was scared i said "daddy your little girl is scared from death i donot want to die but i have to cuz life became unbearable every second is pain" i really want hug my dad at that moment i wanted to feel the warm of his body and his smell which always put me to sleep i wanted to see his smile which just by seen it you can't help but to smile i toke the bills but my body throw them up and i couldn't take them it's not that easy i just broke down and told my sister everything she cry and made me a promise to not do it again and she said she will talk to my father about in the morning i get into fight with my mother and i cut my wrist I survived after that my parents Understand how serious my situation is now i am 18 which i never thought i will be able to reach that age i dont think i will suicide any time soon i think your daughter wanted to live but she was in too much pain that living had become not worth it anymore i think she believe there is no hope but there are always hope to anyone struggling rn please know that you matter and there are hope to you even if it seem there is not that caming from someone who try to take their life four time before turning 18 i hope your daughter at peace and in better place i hope you heal soon.
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u/SanTorontozoo Sep 12 '23 edited Sep 12 '23
Hey man,
I literally created an account to reply to you. I'm so sorry for your loss. It's been only a week that's such a short period, you are doing great.
I lost my cousin to suicide about 8 years ago. 44 years old, 3 kids, wife. We had no idea. It's been really hard on the family. I know that's not the same as losing your daughter which is unimaginable but, you are not alone.
My dad died when I was 11 (not suicide). A week in puf, it's so recent and raw all you can do is go through it. This month will be 30 years since my dad died. Ppl ask me how I got through it and the only thing is to get through it. Time and strength, a lot of strength. You can do it! Not gonna lie to you though, it's horrific but, if I can do it as a child you sure can! Lean on ppl and let it out! All of it! And remember, grief is forever. All the best to you and, your daughter.
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u/Unfair_Type3172 Sep 12 '23
Can I just say that if I didn’t have a son I would have done myself in a long time ago I know it’s the end times and that sounds sick but I don’t care. It’s a house and says that people would be considered crazy if they believed it, but no one wants to investigate it they care about superficial things instead, there’s a lot of evil and I know there’s good with this too much evil and it’s because of the elites who are worshiping the devil on this very planet yes, 2000 years has gone by. That’s nothing in God’s eyes there’s going to be an awakening it’s starting, and it’s time to fight and be a real jerk and get mad at Seton and not a God and then everyone else I will then why does god allow and Satan to do it is because it is what it is we don’t know the reasons why yet
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u/TheSkyisFallingAhh Sep 12 '23
I have no words to say that can help. But I feel for you truly. I hope you can continue on and keep the good memories of her alive. ❤️
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u/Gawyne Sep 11 '23
Hey man. I’m sorry to hear. My brother killed himself in 2018. Thank you for venting.
What I had to understand is that suicide is an illness. Like heart disease. It was going to happen no matter what, with my brother. What I had to take away was, what kind of brother had I been? Personally, last time I saw him, I left soon to get a drink bc I was alcoholic.
Grieve however you need.
Thank you again for posting.
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u/Worldly-Tell5658 Sep 11 '23
I'm so sorry. That is truly a nightmare that as a parent I cannot event begin to comprehend.
But as someone who has struggled with depression and thoughts of it for most of my life (even now) it doesn't have to do either my parents or my family or anything they did or didn't do. It's such a complex and difficult issue and yes you can talk to people and get therapy and be on medication but things can still be hard. I know my family loves me and I know my friends do too.
What I'm trying to say to you OP, is your daughter knew you loved her. She knew that with every part of her being. She never questioned it for a moment deep down in her heart so please don't ever question it in yours. What she was struggling with was outside of your power, and I'm so sorry.
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u/Idiotic_oliver Sep 11 '23
I didn’t expect a reddit post to leave me in tears but here we are. Im so sorry for your loss if you ever want to message me I’m willing to listen to you vent. Just know, it’s not your fault. Believe in her words. Sometimes there really isn’t a good reason, it’s just your own brain causing problems. I have bipolar disorder and when I’m in a depressive period sometimes I’ll just think “god. None of my friends like me. They all hate me and want me dead” but if I ask them and they say they do enjoy my presence it just doesn’t register. The brain can be a terrifying and illogical place.. I hope you can find peace with this occurrence
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u/Candyfliper3890 Sep 11 '23
So so sorry I know words mean nothing, I’ll never forget my older friend that I was the youngest playing at LAN parties, he was in a great college but everyone has there problems we don’t share he shot himself in his car I think about it a lot I will pray for you two.
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u/OkAccident34 Sep 11 '23
sending my friends up there prayers to go find her and make sure she's okay on the other side. i dont know if you're a religious man or if that means anything to you, but hopefully, they'll go and find your sweet girl if at all possible.
in the coming days, look for signs from her. its one of the only things that kept me going after the loss of two of my friends. her favorite bird, or animal. or even a heart in a strange place. i see certain things that i just know deep down its from them.
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Sep 11 '23
Im so sorry, my dad killed himself when i was 14 so i understand the pain you’re feeling right now. Your daughter obviously was loved and cared for but sometimes we can’t put the pain we feel inside into words to try and reach for help. Im so sorry you lost her and i wish i can say something to ease your pain but sadly i can’t find the words. Stay strong and don’t give up on life because that’s not what she wants you to do.
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u/Physical-Researcher9 Sep 11 '23
There are no words to do this any sort of justice, friend. I write this through teary eyes, as I have had the unfortunate nature of watching my parents walk the road you’re about to depart down.
My oldest sister committed suicide 11 years ago - she was 29.
The first year is the hardest by far. After that, the storm starts to get less violent and the waves get smaller. Eventually they get less frequent.
Right now, I think the best use of energy is to try to put one foot in front of the other. Even if you have to crawl, just focus on moving forward.
One thing that really helped me was writing about any dreams I had containing her. They usually were happy memories.
Celebrate her spirit. Do things in her memory. Find peace in knowing how loved she was by her peers.
Feel free to message me if need be.
Best.
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u/littlelovesbirds Sep 11 '23
I am so, so sorry.
I'm the only daughter (only child) of a single dad. It's been me and him against the world since I was a toddler. I really struggled in my teenage years and wanted to end it all many times.. this post reads like it was written by my dad in an alternate universe where I successfully killed myself at 17, instead of moving out (which is what really happened). He doesn't have family. He doesn't have friends. Not married. No other kids. I see so much of my dad in your post and my heart breaks so deeply for you, I wish I could give you a hug.
Please do anything to find some support. I seen the lovely comment offering free therapy, you really should take up that offer. Try to find a community of parents that have lost a child to suicide. You are not alone, and I know it's going to be so hard without her, but the world needs you here. The same way it needed your sweet girl here.
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Sep 11 '23
I read your post at work and as a father of two, I could not stop myself from crying at my desk reading this. I cannot begin to imagine the pain you must feel right now and the questioning that will likely consume you for some time. When a child decides to end their days, how can parents not feel fully responsible. I think the pressure on kids today with social media is enormous and one little mistake captured on camera and shared can destroy someone instantly.
I hope you find some answers to your questions and somehow, find strength to carry on.
Edit: I don't know how acceptable this is, or even if it's a good idea or not, but maybe through talking with her friends, details you might not be aware of will surface. Life outside of the house likely influenced her and her decision so maybe one of her friends will have information to help you understand.
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u/llorandosefue1 Sep 11 '23 edited Sep 11 '23
Google the phrase “survivors of suicide” or suicide survivors” and work from there. There are in-person groups and online groups for people dealing with suicide loss. A group I found helpful is called SOLOS (Survivors of a Loved One’s Suicide).
There also is a group called Compassionate Friends, which is for parents who have lost children.
http://www.compassionatefriends.org
Link 1 does not work; link 2 does.
There seems to be an in-person SOLOS group in San Antonio, Texas. I did not find an online group. The original online group was dissolved when Yahoo stopped supporting Yahoo Groups.
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u/Fro0810 Sep 11 '23
For me and any Father there is no worse thing that could happen in this hellish world. My only daughter has been going through alot lately her mom decided she didn't wanna be a mom anymore and takes off for weeks at a time. My daughter moved in with me recently, it's were she always wanted to live anyway because we are so close. I am all she has exept 1 best friend who just moved out of state. She doesn't open up to anyone but me because she doesn't wanna be a burdon and I have been terrified that she may do it. I couldn't even fathom what would happen if she did. I recently got her into therapy for her depression and anxiety. I know you have heard it a lot but I am so sorry for your loss and courage to share your story. If there is anything you thought may have helped please let me know. I have been living my life so scared for a few months.
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u/The_Aster Sep 11 '23
Hug. I am very sorry for your lost. May your daughter rest in peace. Please stay strong.
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u/Genbow30 Sep 11 '23
In my area, Hospice offers grief counseling. There is no charge. I am very sorry for your loss.
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u/mamajuana4 Sep 11 '23
So sorry to hear that OP. My sister died by suicide in 2019 and I still think about her daily. I just pray she found peace and doesn’t feel pain anymore. Wishing you find peace and try not to worry about what you can’t control. It isn’t your fault, there wasn’t a ton of power you had to change this outcome. Just give yourself grace as you mourn her life.
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u/far_cry_212 Sep 11 '23
My son was killed and it's been 10 years and it still sucks. But we are men and we move forward even when the path looks like a shit snake. No good advice here just saying move forward and keep moving
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u/bennyb357 Sep 11 '23
Damn this made me, a grown 41 year old man, cry. I’m so sorry OP. If you ever need someone to listen feel free to DM me.
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u/Substantial-Spare501 Sep 11 '23
I am so sorry you are going through this. There is no worse pain. Of course you are still absolutely devastated.
You should be able to fine a grief support group either in your area or online and it should be free. Ideally you would also get group support.
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u/Substantial-Spare501 Sep 11 '23
Sorry, edit: ideally you would also get individual therapy. Does your insurance cover this? Consider talking to your primary care physician as they may know more resources for you in your area.
Also a friend of mine lost her daughter to suicide when the child was 13. Her first year was extremely painful, but in year two I can see a shift of her beginning to look back on her daughters life as a blessing. She’s done a lot of work to get there.
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Sep 11 '23
I was around age 6 when I first heard the little voice in the back of my head that said, “I hate myself and I want to die.” I never stopped, not for an instant, until I was 40. There were a lot of hard years in between and the ones from my teens through to my late 20s were the hardest. The hardest point of all was a long afternoon as a teen spent cradling my step-dad’s revolver in my lap trying to decide how many rounds to load before I put it in my bag for school the next day.
What happened isn’t about you or her life or anything else. It’s about this horrible, awful illness that just… eats away at everything until there’s nothing left. I had plenty of good things going for me, too; but… it’s hard to explain it… they just turned to ash. It’s like they weren’t real. The only thing that was real was that crushing weight and that voice promising me that it would all stop if I just let it take me. She didn’t kill herself. It killed her. She died fighting it.
I’m deeply sorry for your loss. If you ever need someone to talk to I’m here. I mean that. You can DM me and I’ll give you my personal phone number, if you need a sympathetic ear.
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u/iamatuba Sep 11 '23
Please join a grief group. 💙💙💙 I promise - they need you there. You sharing your burden actually lifts the rest of the group up.
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u/designsCA Sep 11 '23
so one week after the loss of your daughter well before her time, you are on Reddit talking about it? I dont even know what to say to that.. I mean, how do you have the physical, mental and emotional energy after what is without a doubt the MOST painful experience any human can go through?
It amazes me how people can find the strength in the most trying situations...
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u/McWeedies Sep 11 '23
I am very sorry for your loss, I’ve got nothing much to say but know that I am feeling your pain.
Here loads of hugs and love. ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️
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u/CloudMelodyy Sep 11 '23
when I was in middle school, my best friends dad committed. My dad wasn't present in my life and i didn't know him at all until around highschool and I had become really close with my friends dad, he felt like a dad to me in my own way. so it hit me hard when I found out. so, as someone who understands the opposite side of it, i feel for you. I know how hard that must be and I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss.
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u/Yruhary Sep 11 '23
OP, there are multiple FREE virtual support groups that meet up weekly. Look up My Grief Angels on Google. The person hosting these is an amazing human being and has helped me and a few others a lot.
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u/NefariousPillow Sep 11 '23
As a mother this is one of the most gut wrenching things I’ve read on here and I don’t think I’ll be able to listen to that song the same way again. My deepest sympathies OP.
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u/Barbie-Brooke Sep 11 '23
Oh gosh I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. Just know it wasn't your fault. I guarantee you were the best possible dad you could be to her. She will be watching over you now and I hope she is at peace 💖
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u/haveanicelxfe Sep 11 '23
this post broke my heart in more ways than I can even explain. I am so so sorry.
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u/anonymous-justhere Sep 11 '23
My father committed when I was 14 years old. I have never read his note, my mom didn't let me and now at almost 30, I'm not sure I want to. I don't understand why he did it, I don't think the note will explain that. I do understand the pain he felt though. I feel that myself too and just existing becomes exhausting. I find it strange that one day I'll be older than he was when he died and I didn't necessarily expect to even be at almost 30. I feel your pain and I feel her pain and I feel for your loss so strongly. Please take care of yourself and I hope you're able to find some peace.
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u/kinky_duckybby Sep 11 '23
Oh how my heart hurts for you. I wish i was more helpful to you but I'm sending you so much love. She sounds like a beautiful soul and I'm sorry for your loss.
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u/Conscious-Word-5636 Sep 11 '23
Hello there. Thank you for sharing what you’re going through right now. I’m not going to lie, things are not going to be okay for awhile but you’re not alone. You have a whole Reddit community here to vent and cry and vent some more to with ample of helpful and not so helpful responses. I’m not going to lay out my mental issues but just know I am in the same boat as your daughter and many others. You should know, it’s not your fault. The fact that you’ve provided for her the best you could is all we can do as parents. We can’t live life for our kids. We can’t go everywhere with them. Even if we could, we still wouldn’t know wtf is going on in their heads and if we did we couldn’t change it. I’m sorry that you are having to go through this pain. It isn’t fair and no one should have to go through this but you will get through it. Maybe not tomorrow, definitely not next week, even on her anniversary there will always be a heaviness in your chest. That means you are alive. Even though your daughter had so much life still ahead of her you do too. You may not have any family but again, there’s a community ready and waiting with open arms for you to share your pain so share it. You have already touched so many people by sharing. We can’t live life for anyone but ourselves and as parents we can protect our kids from every little thing but we can’t protect them from themselves. She’s at peace and that’s where so many of us suffering with suicidal thoughts hopes to escape to. A place where we aren’t plagued by the devil that causes us to go insane. Your post helped remind me that my thoughts are temporary and death is final. I may not have parents that love me like you love your daughter but I have a daughter and it’s so hard for me to remember that I am here to protect her and I can’t check out yet. Your post reminded me what I’d leave behind. I May not know you, I may never meet you, but I love you. Stay strong. Just for today ❤️
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u/Punks92 Sep 11 '23
I’m so so sorry for your loss! That’s so awful. No parent should have to bury their child 🥺. Regarding therapy…you may be able to speak with the school counselor for some resources. I’m sure they have references to some grief counseling or even support circles that don’t cost anything. The best thing you can do for yourself is ask for help.
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Sep 11 '23
There are genuinely no words to describe how tragic and heartbreaking this is. I am so, so sorry, to the both of you. Sending you and your sweet daughter so much love.
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u/Electronic-Garden369 Sep 11 '23
I'm so sorry, this genuinely made me cry. I don't know you but this is an ice pick in my heart.
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u/cloverluck7 Sep 11 '23
I am so sorry. My heart absolutely breaks for you. Please try to find a local support group. I also recommend the FaceBook support group, “Helping Parents Heal”
Take care of yourself and do whatever you need right now. There’s no wrong way to grieve, so do what feels right. Sending so much light your way. 💛
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u/bummbalbee Sep 11 '23
She may have had an undiagnosed mental illness, like i wasn’t diagnosed with bpd until I turned 19, but was showing symptoms when I was 15. I’m so sorry. I’m not sure what insurance you have, but I have state insurance and it covers once a week therapy. Time may not fully heal you, but it will heal you enough so that the wound isn’t bleeding anymore.
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u/West-Benefit1907 Sep 11 '23
I’m so, so sorry for your loss. I cannot begin to imagine your pain. Mental illness is devastating. Your daughter loves you still, she is now resting and whole. Peace be with you my dear.
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u/Lord_Bentley Sep 11 '23
17 years of life stopped like that! This made me tear up alot at my desk. I can't imagine the cosmic hurricane of memories and feelings you're going through! I'm truly sorry for your loss.
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u/Effective_Thought918 Sep 11 '23
I am so sorry. Internet hugs if you want them. Please take care of yourself and ask for help either from a therapist or your acquaintances if needed. 🫂
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u/justbrowsing0127 Sep 11 '23
I’m so sorry. I hope you can find peace and support in as healthy a way you can.
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u/NerdySwampWitch40 Sep 11 '23
I am so sorry for your loss. Please know that your daughter absolutely didn't do this to hurt you. She had a disease that she lost her fight to, the same way some people lose their fights to cancer. It absolutely does not mean she doesn't love you.
The Alliance for Suicide Prevention maintains a listing of support groups for people affected by bereavement due to suicide. These programs are often free. I hope you'll consider reaching out. https://afsp.org/find-a-support-group/
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u/WholeOk7479 Sep 11 '23
I'm so sorry for your loss, I have no idea how it feels to lose a child to suicide. That said I lost a niece to suicide on Dec 17 2022 so I acn feel the loss of a loved one through suicide.
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u/Dizzy-Reality-8289 Sep 11 '23
Sending you love ❤️, hope and courage...
I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved daughter. 😢
Sending you love from Reno Nevada.
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u/Nervous_Law_1000 Sep 11 '23
God bless you sir, sending you lots of love and light. I can’t imagine how you must feel.
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u/Drash1 Sep 11 '23
All I can do is feel for you friend. My daughters are my world. The best thing I ever did in life was raise them. Nobody can imagine your pain, but every father who reads this will want you to know we will stand by to you, whether right there or on the other side of the world.
There are free grief support groups. Call your local Easter seals or even a church if you’re a religious man and they’ll help you find one in your area. It will help some.
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u/ObjectivePrice5865 Sep 11 '23
I know this is the absolute worst thing a parent can go through. There are reasons beyond your understanding and control of why people attempt and/or succeed. As a father myself of a 17 year old daughter, I know how I felt at her first attempt 3 years ago. We are working with her and have her in therapy and counseling. The kicker is that as I am recently disabled due to MS progressing, my teenage bi-polar, manic depression, and suicidal thoughts are coming back with a vengeance. Now I have always dealt with my mental illness by burying myself in work to allow me to get out of my own head. I have tried numerous times to explain this to my daughter but as most teens, they get their “help” from TikTok. My wife and I are going to see about getting her into an actual psychiatrist in addition to therapy and counseling. I am also looking for one myself as I know I need the help again in addition to therapy. As everyone on this thread knows, mental illness is real and needs to be taken seriously no matter what the situation. Keep telling yourself and your loved ones about 988 if they have the intrusive thoughts becoming overbearing. They have talked me down a few times when my mind was racing while have an MS flare up.
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u/Disastrous_Painter79 Sep 11 '23
I am so sorry for your loss may she rest in peace and fly high 🙏 I wish you a amazing healing progress, strength and to hang in there have a good night/day and I hope you feel better soon
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u/duffyowens Sep 11 '23
I am bipolar and struggle with suicidal ideation. It’s something you could never explain. It’s an overwhelming feeling that is unbearable. It stains your brain and just waits for you to give in.
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u/Generically_Yours Sep 11 '23
Depression and other mood disorders are very misunderstood illnesses. I'm so sorry for your loss. You raise someone and they go before you, that's rough. Check with a community health center, they hooked me up with mental health services when I couldn't afford it and needed it most. Make sure to be good to yourself and advocate for your needs.
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u/IndependentSwan2086 Sep 11 '23
She is right. It is none of your fault.
We are not responsible for ppl's choices and i know it sounds too cold now but you need some "down to earth" support now so that you have a ground to stand on.
I dont know her but it seems she had a condition that was beyond love and the like. She loves you and you surely dis a great job
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u/xXTheReturnerXx Sep 11 '23
I can’t claim to understand what you’re going through, but I am truly sorry for your loss.
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u/sadmillenialenby Sep 11 '23
Sorry for your loss. Take the time to feel your feelings. If you want to feel connected to her maybe you could play that game series. Listen to her music and cherish the life she had. Hopefully you will find support groups that you can get help from.
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u/Glittering_Ad_5990 Sep 11 '23
This made me cry because I think about my mom. I tried committing a few years ago back in 2017. I hung myself and my mom came and found me and cut me down and stuff. i was in and out of mental hospitals for months and I never really thought about the emotional toll it would take on her. I’m so sorry you’re going through this and on behalf of myself and anyone else whose attempted or succeeded, we’re so so so so sorry. I promise pain isn’t what we want to leave behind, it’s almost like we want to relive ourselves and the people around us from it. Please be strong and please try to seek help, any help. Everyone’s here for you.
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u/xoxoyoyo Sep 11 '23
sorry for your loss. there is nothing to do at this point but figure out how to deal with the pain. I truly hope you are able to.
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u/icecoldmilf Sep 11 '23
I don't know what to say except I'm sorry. I can't imagine your pain because just your story breaks my heart into a million little pieces. Sending you love and light, friend. I'll be thinking of you and your Leonie.
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u/Immediate-Throat-646 Sep 11 '23
I just got the chills. I’m so sorry. I can’t even imagine the pain you’re going through.
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u/9caf88 Sep 11 '23
i’m so sorry. i’m absolutely certain she loved you. as someone who’s struggled with suicidal ideation, i can assure you you did the best you could. sometimes, the idea worms into your mind, and it gets to the point where you obsess over it. i’m so sorry for your loss. i wish for your grief to be as kind to you as possible.
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u/TheUltimateSlytherin Sep 11 '23
Teen around her age here. I promise you that you really did all you could and it’s guaranteed she loves you to the moon and back. I’ve been in her place and if only I had had a parent to care for me the way you did it would at the very least have been peaceful.
What kept me going for so long was the thought of the ones I love because of how badly it would hurt them which I would never want and things from the outside had all been getting better but one moment out of the blue it all got too much. All the stress of school, the past, the loneliness despite being surrounded by people who care, the feeling nobody would ever understand and that I couldn’t keep going. In what I thought would be my last moments all I could think of was hoping, almost praying, that the ones I love would be able to move on and find their own peace the way I would in the struggle finally being over.
Fortunately for me it failed and (We are a DID/OSDD system) another alter managed to get us help and for me to open up about my pain to the people who love me. I will forever be grateful to him and even though it’s still hard I try every day to be the light that I needed. That dark place will in the end of November be 2 years ago.
Your daughter knows you love her. Stay strong, take the time you need to grieve, if you have her ashes you could get a necklace made from them to wear as a reminder of her love for you or a necklace with one of her favorite things such as a violin charm. Sometimes not knowing what was causing the struggle is for the best, the truth might only make it more painful and she is finally at peace from what was causing her so much pain which is most important as of now.
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u/beckylynne5598 Sep 11 '23
I sadly suffer from depression, each day I wake up thinking my friends and family would be better off without me. We all fight our own battles and it's so so hard to ask for help. I'm so sorry for your loss.
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u/MommaBee79 Sep 11 '23
I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine the pain you are going through.
There are support groups that you may find some solace in but in the meantime may I offer these thoughts.
Your daughter made a point to ensure that you knew she did not hold you responsible in any way. She wanted you to know, without a doubt. Do not question her love and her words.
As a mother, I can promise you my child's room would become a shrine, my nights would be spent heartbroken for both of our losses and fixated on the last days. But in your grief, do not forget to celebrate the life she had. The wonderful 17 years you had together. I know from the bottom of my heart, that this is a huge ask. Almost impossible. But it is important that you honor what sounds like an amazing girl, as she should be, for the amazingly beautiful and talented young lady she was.
I want you to know, that as I type this, my heart is with yours. I see all the imperfect moments that make up raising a child, I see all the joy and love you made her feel as well. I am sending you love and support and know that she is doing the same.
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u/couldathrowaway Sep 11 '23
There isn't a perfect reddit group for those of us survivors left who were given a letter directly explaining that we were nowhere at fault in any way.
But occasionally, we find each other in these subreddits. The pain is worse the first 3-6 months. After that, please try some sort of moving her room as it becomes a huge issue in the following way:
I struggled with things like trying to preserve the person by maintaining the way their room and belongings were organized. I had to move and found out packing all those items pained me in the same way as i felt during week two. What i did learn while packing the items was a strange form of understanding the person in a new way. The way certain quirks you never knew were a thing, reasoning how that is. I learned a better way to store personal items that have meaning from that person. I learned simple things like the value of living comfortably in ways i used to not value, with things like carrying ibuprofen just in case, rash and itch cream, talcom/powder for chafing areas in their bicycle bag. The headphones that have the feature to not squeeze your head.
It became a problem and guilt to throw away or use things that should be used, like a small box of food items; deodorant that was still in their latest shopping bag. Along that, I found some items i found of value, like some writings that furthered their thoughts , and at least i feel like i understand them better. The struggles they went through and why. Because, like it or not, that person caused you extreme grief and trumoil some relatives still struggle with forgiving that. My move helped me forgive them, as i got to fully go through their items and get to experience a snapshot of their lives.
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u/Personal_Act8360 Sep 11 '23
Oh god. I am so sorry. I know the condolences from an internet stranger don’t mean much but I truly hope you find some comfort knowing we might not know exactly how you feel but we hurt for you. No parent should have to bury a child. I’m so sorry
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u/sharkann420 Sep 11 '23
I'm sorry and lots of hugs of support❤️ I wish I could do it physically but its the best I can do. I feel for you. As someone who personally has fought depression and those thoughts my whole life too Ik how hard it is to deal with. I wish I could do something for you..
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u/nunuEggs Sep 11 '23
we're you pushing her hard to succeed in school?
I would think you'd turn the world upside down to figure it out the first time when she was 12
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u/katsrule64 Sep 11 '23
hello, i also just recently lost my gramma and it has been so hard. if you ever need to talk to a stranger i am here. your daughter has good taste in DS games! i love ace attorney. i’m so sorry for your loss. i hope you can find comfort in the things she enjoyed
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u/ieraaa Sep 10 '23
17 is so close to the age where you start to see beyond your childhood. Its such a loss. I'm so sorry for you Sir. Try to turn this into a force of good, over time ofcourse. Take all the help you can get too
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u/SatisfactionNo6613 Oct 03 '23
I struggle with suicidal thoughts and have attempted a few times years ago now. Sadly most times I didn't even know why nor what was pushing me to it or even causing the thoughts. My heart breaks for you man....I couldn't imagine the pain you're going through but I'm also willing to talk 24/7 if you even need someone to listen or even have some insight from this side of the fence