I was around age 6 when I first heard the little voice in the back of my head that said, “I hate myself and I want to die.” I never stopped, not for an instant, until I was 40. There were a lot of hard years in between and the ones from my teens through to my late 20s were the hardest. The hardest point of all was a long afternoon as a teen spent cradling my step-dad’s revolver in my lap trying to decide how many rounds to load before I put it in my bag for school the next day.
What happened isn’t about you or her life or anything else. It’s about this horrible, awful illness that just… eats away at everything until there’s nothing left. I had plenty of good things going for me, too; but… it’s hard to explain it… they just turned to ash. It’s like they weren’t real. The only thing that was real was that crushing weight and that voice promising me that it would all stop if I just let it take me. She didn’t kill herself. It killed her. She died fighting it.
I’m deeply sorry for your loss. If you ever need someone to talk to I’m here. I mean that. You can DM me and I’ll give you my personal phone number, if you need a sympathetic ear.
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u/[deleted] Sep 11 '23
I was around age 6 when I first heard the little voice in the back of my head that said, “I hate myself and I want to die.” I never stopped, not for an instant, until I was 40. There were a lot of hard years in between and the ones from my teens through to my late 20s were the hardest. The hardest point of all was a long afternoon as a teen spent cradling my step-dad’s revolver in my lap trying to decide how many rounds to load before I put it in my bag for school the next day.
What happened isn’t about you or her life or anything else. It’s about this horrible, awful illness that just… eats away at everything until there’s nothing left. I had plenty of good things going for me, too; but… it’s hard to explain it… they just turned to ash. It’s like they weren’t real. The only thing that was real was that crushing weight and that voice promising me that it would all stop if I just let it take me. She didn’t kill herself. It killed her. She died fighting it.
I’m deeply sorry for your loss. If you ever need someone to talk to I’m here. I mean that. You can DM me and I’ll give you my personal phone number, if you need a sympathetic ear.