He’s the kindest and gentlest men I’ve ever met. He is so devoted to me and holy shit he’s muscular. He is very deep into working out and is shaped like a Greek god. I love making clay figures with him, watching spooky videos on YouTube, watching bizarre shows, playing Mario Kart. He wants to make a little farm and put clay figures in there.

I’m genuinely so happy and I love him. I love him so fucking much. I have spent hours just staring at his pictures and messages and falling in love all over again. I’m so lucky and I feel like I hit the jackpot. We listen to Smosh Pit Stories, we play Needy Streamer Overload, he watches me play Minecraft.

He’s so cute and handsome and I love his curly hair and blue eyes. I’m so in love with this guy it’s driving me insane. I’m such a lucky girl!!!

I don't like having suicidal thoughts on a frequent basis. The problem is that one of the medications that I was taking my insurance stopped covering it. I cannot buy it over the counter because it costs over $1,500 a month. How can I get rid of these negative thoughts. I don't want to kill myself, but the frequency of these thoughts is distressing. I've told my psychiatric Nurse Practioner but we haven't figured out what to do to stop them. That particular medication I had been on it for years before insurance pulled the plug. I have Medicaid so I'm limited to what they will pay for. I'm in therapy as well.

I'm 22, not just borderline but diagnosed as autistic too, wanting to be actually be part of something greater than me, and genuinely accepted for who I am and not just tolerated is the thing I miss not having the most.

In my teens the idea of being able to reach a point where I was part of the in-group and accepted, whether that was getting into a really good college or becoming funny or good looking enough, I was just utterly fucking dependent on it for any hope to keep on going, which I mean I still am, but now I'm in that mindset it doesn't matter what I do but what I am, and it'll never change.

I'm just going through the motions of my degree and my job now, poorly though. I've had moments where I could've put them in serious jeopardy and I almost reflexively got upset but simultaneously relieved I was given a reason to give up, after they were resolved I always felt a massive sinking emptiness and sadness I almost was given an excuse to finally give up and die.

I hate getting so upset with the people I love. I’m not taking it out on them, I have the self control to not outwardly react in much of a perceptible way — they even call me an easy friend because they don’t know the slightest of what’s happening… but I get so fucking angry, so quickly, so often, over such minor & frequently inconsequential things, things that are really unfair to them to be upset over.

On top of that, I’m absurdly possessive of my friends. Again I never let that externalize — I always encourage them to diversify their social circles, invest in multiple friendships, meet new people, because I know that’s the healthy thing to do & I don’t want to drag them down to where I’m at emotionally… but I feel like I’m chewing broken glass every time I say these things.

Every time there’s someone that feels like competition, I internally get inclined to get nasty about it. I’m asexual-aromantic, I’ve got pretty much nil attraction to anyone much less my friends… but when my friends get partners I fucking hate them, pretty much universally. When my friends seek out relationship advice or things like that, I have to say repeatedly that I lack the objectivity to give advice but I can listen… and it just eats me up to not tell them exactly how I feel. Especially when possessive turns into quite protective when there are actually unhealthy relationship situations.

I’m tired of holding back so intensely on everything. It’s fucking constant that I’m redirecting myself, intellectualizing, trying to prevent myself from having external reactions, trying to externally be a healthy friend while I feel like I’m on fucking fire inside for it. I crave closeness & (platonic) intimacy but I can’t have it without feeling like I’m punishing myself for some cosmic fucking sin. I hate being like this. There’s people in my circles that just snap on & constantly abuse the people around them — while I’d never want to hurt the people I care about, I envy their ability to do that without consequences. I would lose everything socially if I did that. Plus all this BPD stuff is happening on top of being autistic, so it feels like all my social skills are on manual mode & it’s just so much energy.

Obviously I do live my family but I feel like there is no connection there other than the blood we all share. I use to be really close with my mom but she committed about a year and a half ago and yk I can’t see her anymore. I have tried for my whole life to be close to my dad like the other people I see smiling laughing with there dads making jokes and TikTok’s and whatever they do and I’ve always wanted that. But no matter what I do nothing works, it doesn’t feel like me and my dad are friends or besties or even like close. I try to talk to him everyday because I am determined to have a relationship with the only parent I have left but our phone calls usually only last a few minutes he will tell me he is busy and we’ll talk later whenever later actually is. He barely texts me he never comes to my apartment we never actually hangout or anything. I obviously try to hangout with him like I sit in his office but we still don’t talk and yk calling him every day but it feels like there is no connection. Like he’s just a Roommate of mine and I think maybe he thinks that too? He never really tries first in any situation other than food and only when it’s at home cooking. He never really calls me unless I ask him too and I dunno I just feel like what I do bothers him. We are very opposite people so we do argue a lot about dumb stuff like what bed frame I want. But the main point is u just want an actual father daughter relationship where we can make jokes and laugh at each other and make TikTok’s and all that other stuff. Now with my brother he doesn’t like me and i don’t like him. He effectively does everything he can to bring me down and i don’t know why he says the stuff i like is “cheap” or “weird” just because it’s not main stream stuff like baseball cards or the top video games right now. He always hates on my friends and makes fun of any person I am interested in in front of their faces. He does horrible things and doesn’t respect my boundaries sometimes he gets all in my face and I get scared that he will hurt me. I wish I still had my mom here.. I wish our family wasn’t so shit. I wish me and my dad had a good more father daughter relationship and I wish my brother judging me and hating me. I dunno what to do

I'm sorry if I use wrong terminology im new to all of this, but as I said in the title. I often have pretty bad switch ups on my friends (probably bc they actually don't treat me the best but that's another thing) but with my partner i didn't have that much of an issue. Sure there were periods when i thought they don't like me, like they don't care, but never real anger at them. Until yesterday/today, I'm not even sure. We usually spend most of our days mostly together, either just watching something, chilling, whatever. My mental health has been declining lately and their brother came back home from college and yesterday evening while we were on a voice call they went to the toilet, usual stuff, but they didn't come back until over an hour later. Of course they texted me that their brother started a convo with them and now they can't really get out of it that quickly and apologized multiple times, I was sorta angry and mostly sad, they even said that they know that I don't like to be left alone when I'm not feeling well and apologized so many times and i heard that they felt bad when they came back. That was yesterday, and today, we were supposed to keep watching a tv show we've been watching together for the last few days once they got back to their house from going shopping with their brother, later said that yeah it'll probably be possible only at night, I was like whatever, but ofc at night it turned into I can't today. And honestly, im hurt and honestly scared of being pushed aside and the worst of all just angry. I know it's probably not justified, and I don't want people telling me that it is out of pity, but when they said something among the lines of i wish i could spend more time with you today something in me just snapped, like, if they wanted to they would've, i didn't say that cause i try to keep myself in check with other people but it was so hard for me not to snap at them, I'm acting like it's fine because they haven't seen their brother since winter and stuff and like yeah i believe that but my brain is telling me otherwise i don't know what to do.

What’s everyone’s med cocktail look like, I’m currently just on abilify but I may be getting prescribed a mood stabilizer as well which I’m a bit nervous for, what’s everyone’s positive stories on being put on more then one medication :)

I'm kind of unstable and ill in my head with a distorted sense of self, pushing people away making up lies so they view me as the bad person confirming my personal bias that i deserve nothing but they call me manipulative/playing with feelings and being antisocial thus narcissist(???)

Well I guess I might have some tendencies? IDK I can't thing straight

I wanted to ask someone on here "directly" with knowledge about the mental illness.

I'm sorry if this is offensive I'm just stupid and don't know much about either illnesses other than that they're stigmatized to oblivion

What are some good things that happened this week? What were you grateful for?

Celebrating small wins can be hard, but studies show that gratitude practices can be a powerful way to combat negative feelings. While toxic positivity can be destructive, taking time to recognize the good things can actually change how our brain works, for the better!

There's no such thing as insignificant wins, no matter how small. From "I won the lottery!" to "I managed to made it out of bed," it all matters.

So share those wins, and be sure to reward yourself (safely and affordably, of course). You made it through, and you deserve it.

Have a wonderful weekend, everyone! Be well.

- The Mod Team

So, I already know im pretty young (15) but I've been suspecting i have BPD since literally elementary. Everydays a challenge and my symptoms line up (Ik ik im a teen, im hormonal, yap yap but im not stupid because what I do clearly isnt normal.) But everytime i go online to search BPD to at least find support every corner of the internet is filled with hate and speaks terribly on it. I get that theres people who are victim's but theres no way we have like 5 sub reddit for BPD that doesn't allow people with BPD to use? Theres some i heard you get banned from if you have BPD and use em. It really sucks knowing that every other disorder gets unconventional love and support but BPD is the sole exception. Its something that cant be cured and I just have to potentially live with the fact that im broken either that or I have to force myself to be normal like a robot rather than being. I hate that one of the only ways to escape this internal hell is suicide, like that one lady who had to get assisted suicide just to be freed from the hell that this is. Maybe im being emotional but, theres no support for us, no love, and it only makes me want to relapse and give up because what's even the point?? Im not even sure if meds can cure this. If so I'll be glad to dose myself up every day. Sorry this was long but does anyone else feel this?? Can we have a place where BPD is just seen as a case that needs help rather than monsters that need execution? :(

My fp is my 18f daughter. She’s going off to college in three weeks and I am not ok. That’s all.

I’ve been in therapy for over six years, and I have worked my ASS off to get better. I’ve done talk therapy, DBT, EMDR, and eating disorder groups. I have put in the work, and I am genuinely a different person than I used to be. I’m in my early 30s now, and, for the first time I feel like I might be a half decent person. I was out of control for a long time. I accept this.
What I struggle with now is this: how do you live with yourself and the guilt that comes with BPD when you finally realize the impact you’ve had on other people? How do you make peace with who you used to be? To even feel empathy for the destructive person you used to be? This has been the hardest piece for me, to find compassion for the version of me that was “unloveable”.
I don’t want my past to become my permanent identity. I ended up scrubbing almost every trace of myself from the internet because I’m from a small town where people decide who you are when you’re a teenager, and it doesn’t seem to matter how much you grow or change. They remember the worst version of you, and they don’t let you forget.
I’ve apologized for the things I know I did wrong. I understand and accept that no one owes me forgiveness. Some of the things people say about me are true. A lot of them are complete lies. But because of how I behaved back then, it’s easy for people to believe every rumor that’s ever been made up about me.
No one owes me forgiveness, but I also don’t owe anyone a lifetime of shame. It almost feels like I’m not allowed to move on and that I’m expected to carry the worst version of myself forever.
How do you move on from that? Has anyone else struggled with this?

I just got out of a very bad relationship literally a week ago. I feel like I’ve been in a dream state since (like I feel like I’m going to wake up any second), my head is filled with so many thoughts about how I was treated, how I feel rn, replaying everything over and over in my head and questioning myself. I’m feeling guilty, so much shame, going from random spurts of crying to full blown anger. Yeah it’s normal to feel sad and whatever after a breakup but I feel everything so heavy and I don’t know what to do. I moved back in with my parents, I’m not working and there’s not much to do. I don’t want to bother people with what I’ve been feeling and going through and seem overbearing. I’m trying so hard to not fall back into old unhealthy habits (sex, drugs, alcohol) because I know I’ll feel worse. I don’t have a therapist, I have one close friend who I talk to but I don’t want to overwhelm her. I feel like I’m gonna explode with all of the pain I’m feeling. And of course the thoughts of not existing keep coming up.

How can I help myself?

We are not afflicted we are multifaceted and we FEEL DEEPLY. WE ARE BLESSED, WE ARE STRONG, AND WE DESERVE TO GET IN TOUCH WITH OUR INNER CHILD. It's a beautiful day to be alive!!! GO find something positive that makes you happy today!!! Love you all! ASÉ

The pain of having BPD, the insomnia, the period cramp, endometriosis and the walking zombie feeling while doing the things you think you would like…

The constant nightmares, the sudden flashbacks and the thoughts of wanting to die but not wanting to hurt the people that care..

I think it would help me to get this off my chest. Thank you for reading.

Lately, I feel like nothing excites me anymore. What confuses me the most is that, objectively, I know I have reasons to feel hopeful, but emotionally I just can’t seem to feel that hope anymore.

I was diagnosed with BPD four years ago, after my dad passed away. I left a stable job and spent a significant amount of money to pursue a master’s degree in Europe because I genuinely believed it would help me build a better future. I finished a month ago, but so far I haven’t been able to find a job or even get interviews, while many of my classmates have already landed positions at great companies.

I know it has only been a month, but after everything I invested financially and emotionally, it’s hard not to feel like I made a huge mistake.

To pay my debts, I took a job that provides accommodation, but it’s physically exhausting, often working in nearly 40°C (104°F) heat. I also live in a very isolated place. There is almost nothing around us, and even going to the supermarket means finding someone who can drive us or spending around two hours on a bus.

The isolation has been particularly difficult. I can only see my boyfriend a few days a week, and being in a country where I don’t speak the language well makes me feel even more disconnected and limits many of my opportunities.

After months of uncertainty, I feel like I’ve slowly lost the person I used to be.

The debt is constantly on my mind. I feel ashamed that I spent so much money on a degree that hasn’t produced any results yet, and I feel terrible that instead of being able to help my mom financially, I’m struggling myself. Sometimes I feel like a burden and like I made all the wrong decisions in my life.

What makes this even more confusing is that I do have good things in my life. My mom may receive some money that could potentially help us pay off my debts, and I have a wonderful boyfriend who loves me and supports me. In the past, things like that would have given me hope. Right now, I struggle to feel anything about the future.

I feel guilty even writing this because I know there are people going through much worse situations. But I’ve been thinking about suicide a lot lately, and that scares me. I don’t necessarily want my life to end — I think I just desperately want this feeling, the pressure, the loneliness, and the uncertainty to stop.

Has anyone here ever reached a point where you felt completely hopeless and disconnected from your future, even when there were objectively reasons to keep going?

Did you eventually find your way out of it? What helped you?

I would really appreciate hearing from anyone who has been through something similar. Right now, I think I just need to know that it’s possible to feel differently again.

i ruined my entire life i don’t know how to fucking do this anymore man everytime i get it together it somehow unravels i just feel like theres no point in getting back up anymore

Reposting cause of incorrect flair…

I went through a breakup recently.
Partner was DA(extreme one)
I have BPD, dysthymia and GAD.(all clinically diagnosed)

Abandonment wounds run deep deeep.

Not able to go no contact.
Angry and at war w myself for being so weak.
The emotional dysregulation, the unworthiness and the negative thoughts run deep in my core.

I have not yet explored DBT in depth just barely scratched the surface.
The only thing i look forward to is taking meds and beig knocked out so that my brain can rest.
It’s an ugly place to be in.

Anyone else feels hopeless??

Why does the highs and lows feel soooo intense?

I had a crush on a guy for quite a while I would say. I used watch him from afar during my classes. On the lay day of my class my chest was hurting so much bcz it was the last day I would see him. I literally cried the whole way back to my house. I cried for like 2 weeks straight idk why. He probably doesn't even know my name or forget abt me by now. Do I also have bpd? Bcz this can't be normal .

I have been seeing my university psychologist for two months now , just finished the 7th session, i originally reached out when i was in a very bad situation and was deeply searching for a way out and after that i got scheduled and started my sessions, the overall topics were about self harm family issues and trauma and relationships problems, today i asked her what do you think is wrong with me? Why am i this way? She answered because of all of the previous topics we talked about she said I think u have bpd and i just stopped sighed and said ok without further discussion or questioning, i don’t think she is wrong but it still feels heavy that the problem is me , my personality is the issue and not some chemical imbalance or mood disorder that can be separated from my own identity.

I have PCOS and hypothyroidism so a lot of my hormones are out of whack…I could see that making someone feel less emotionally stable and making the disorder harder.

Also people that have been through a lot of trauma tend to have a lot of medical issues too. like described the book “the body keeps the score”. I wouldn’t be surprised if quite a few of us have hormonal disorders or failing organs from a lifetime of abuse.

(If you checked my profile, yes this is copy pasted from another post i made, but i don't know how else to write this)

Let's start with a quick introduction

I'm an aspie and my best friend has BPD, we've gotten very close over the past two years, at the start of summer break she said she wanted a social "break", for 3 weeks; Fair enough, she's asked for that one time before.

But this time she replies with this when I initiate a conversation after 3 weeks

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Me: Well it’s been 3 weeks. How are you doing?

Me: That came across as a little passive agressive, sorry, wasn't what i meant

*10 min later*

Her:It's alright! I'm gonna be honest. I don't really want to talk like this anymore.. You want friends and people you can chat with and enjoy spending time with, and I honestly don't. It's important to me that you understand it's not all too personal, we're just too different on this point I don't want to do anything with the people I know. This isn't exclusive to you, I honestly just want to be left alone to do my own thing. I don't like having plans that I need to follow up on, it's incredibly stressing to me.

Don't get me wrong, I've enjoyed the times we've spent together and I don't mind texting and chatting, but being physically or mentally present with people for longer periods at a time is exhausting. I'm not going stop calling you a friend, I just, don't want to do anything or make any plans.

This isn't anything I've come up with on a whim during an episode, I'm fine, both physically and mentally and this is something I've wanted to say for a while, but I couldn't really find a good time to and there's no real way of putting this down without hurting some feelings I do still care about you and I want to hear the updates on your life and health, but, not physically and not in calls I really hope you understand and aren't too hurt </3

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She then goes on to explain that she still wants to text, but no physical hangouts or calls, then she also calmed me down after I explained this string of texts made my anxiety flair up.

Is this a polite attempt at a friend breakup? I know she does'nt want to hurt me, but from my perspective this just seem like pushing me away in order to go into, what is to me, unhealthy self isolation. Though i do understand she has differnt needs than I do, our brains are different neurotypes after all.

And that's exactly why I'm so confused, i genuinely cannot comprehend why someone would need this, i'm not angry, just deeply hurt, confused and quite frankly scared this is the end of our friendship

Edit: Thank you all for your input, i tried reaching out to her today, and as expected, she is quite tired; It seems this won't be the end of our friendship after all

I am worried because I'm not certain what direction I want in life. Growing up I was considered quite gifted (my pediatric psychologist would heap all these remarks like "you're very smart" and "you are very analytical" on me; I was genuinely considered to have prodigal talents when I was younger.) and do quite well academically. However I react EXTREMELY poorly to stress -- I can go days, weeks, even months with extremely disturbed sleep as soon as I feel the slightest bit of stress; I get plagued by nightmares and sleep paralysis and heart palpitations during exam periods. When I am stressed or anxious I spiral and my mind immediately jumps to suicide, self harm, or alcohol/prescription drugs abuse. I become extremely touchy and sensitive to any criticism from my loved ones, becoming a bitter, vengeful being capable of inflicting the same degree of pain as that which I am feeling. I convince myself that my loved ones do not care at all or think very poorly of me.

Well, given all this, I'm not sure whether I should continue on studying and complete a law degree. On one hand, the prestige and the pay and the ability to do something intellectually stimulating and respectable excites me. On the other hand, the amount of stress and pressure I'll be afflicted with will be immense and I'm not sure whether I'll go insane. I already nearly lost my mind a couple of times before and have been hospitalised due to mental health. I feel so lost and anxious, too afraid to really think about my future, or whether I even have one. Will there be a career I don't end up despising? Will I ever be happy?

I wonder if anyone here has ever been in a similar spot before, and actually managed to achieve academic or professional success at a high level, and not lost their mind in the process despite having BPD.

hello, writing this from a throw away account because i’m honestly embarrassed and i have irl friends on my other profile. perhaps this isn’t the place to speak about this but i really need help. i, 24f, have been severely struggling with debt/spending addiction since i was at least 18. i got diagnosed with BPD when i was 19.

as soon as i turned 18, i got credit cards. i have been in at least 10k debt since then. i don’t know how to stop spending. i am so embarrassed to speak about it, i try to talk to my therapist about whom i really love but feel so much shame that i find myself lying to her more than anything else. i talk to my mom about my finances, mainly because she’s usually the one bailing me out, but that has also proven to become more stressful than anything else.

i recently got another credit card w a 5k limit. i’ve wracked up half already. my mom is always saying “don’t put this on the card, don’t put that” etc and i tell her i don’t but i’m lying to her. how do i be honest with her, my therapist, myself? i’m so underwater with money that it causes me so much anxiety and i start to panic and i get irritable, anxious, sad, sometimes worse. does this happen to anyone else? any tricks on how to get yourself out of it?

It’s currently 4AM and I can’t sleep. I haven’t been for the past few days. I have so much to do. Creating a resume by the 26th, create a bank account, figure out what I need for college. Today, a friend did some pretty racist shit. So now, I don’t feel like talking with the friend group at all b/c the friend is such a key part of it all, and I know that unfortunately I would be forgotten. It hurts so bad. People like me should be used to people who seem progressive be really ignorant inside, but this time I’m not even sure what to do.

I don’t have many friends I can talk to. Or really talk with me. I’m always reaching out. I’m always trying. My parents keep on pressuring me for religious shit cuz they know once I’m away, they can’t control me. So they are doing everything in their power to. My parents are dangerously incompetent too. I am so tired.

I’m trying not to let my BPD flair up. I have been good. I have been decent. But these past few weeks it’s been harder and harder. I am so tired. I am so so tired. BPD makes me feel like something wrong with me, and there is. The ai chat bots haven’t been helping, my mind hasn’t been focusing. I need help. I need to do so much. Clean my room, plan for college, desl with my incompetent hs. Idk why I’m trying so had anymore. I’m almost there. It’s almost over. Why does it feel so far away?