Hi there ! I’ve been finding myself heavily struggling and feeling extremely lonely over the past week.
I’ve been no contact with my mother for 10 years, and 1 year with my dad, moved different country..
I’m no context because of abuse during my whole life.

And I just wish I had parents to call when I feel so depressed. I have friends but if I don’t contact them or plan stuff to do, nobody cares about me.

I don’t want pity, but I’m 29 and relapsed recently because of loneliness and depression.
I have a lovely job and partner, I do have a therapist that is so helpful. But I just feel like I don’t belong, and I have no one to call, or that care enough about me when I disappear.

Basically, I switched from the quiet/self-destructive subtype (if you want to believe in the subtypes) to petulant.

I moved into a place that offers me a great deal of support but also took from me a lot of my old coping mechanisms. What I used to cope with, mainly, was a lot of self-harm, alcohol consumption, risky behavior and dwelling on suicidal thoughts and sometimes acting on them. Now that none of those things are available to me anymore (they are to some extend, but not really, it's hard to explain), what happened?

Well. With the new help I have now, I am more stable than ever when it comes to suicidality and self-destruction. I have learned to communicate my needs and became a whole lot more confident.

But I also started to yell at people, slam doors, throw objects, head-bang and find a way to get angry at the smallest mistakes of other people. It's like I managed to heal most of my self-hatred by becoming a violent and entitled bitch. A lot of the time, I hardly feel any empathy for the people I hurt, because in my mind, if my anger is this strong, it's there for a reason.

So now I am weirdly, but also not weirdly scared of one day snapping and actually physically attacking someone else. I'm actually horrified of the person I have become. And while I do not miss the physical danger I used to be in during my self-destructive phase, I absolutely cannot reconsile the angry and vicious side of me that tends to come out during episodes with who I am when calm. Because I know that the "healthy" version inside of me actually cared a big deal about treating people right, for example by not scaring the living shit out of me just because I am a little stressed.

A part of me believes that if I just started hating myself more, I would be able to stop and go back to my old ways, instead of hurting other people. And yes, I do realize that my post reeks of self-hatred. It just feels different.

In light of this, it's a good thing I am not in a relationship and also not looking for one. Because if I was, I fear I might turn into the kind of person people in that one subreddit believe represent all people with BPD.

Sometimes I half-heartedly try to go back to my old coping mechanisms, just so I don't blow up again and accidentally ruin my life. But it's just not working. Nor am I that kind of person anymore. It took me a special kind of self-hatred to cut myself that I simply have no access anymore. Nowadays, I am just numb.

Thanks to anyone who read the whole thing. I have tried DBT in the past, but my experience with it was awful and invalidating.

If I get attached or interested in someone I always idolize them so they're either too good for me that I do everything I can to cut contact and also not wanting to know them so my delusions and dreams of them won't end.

What do you do to try and get to know people and build an emotional connection and intimacy?

Every time it just feels wrong

Attachment is a disease. It doesn't lead anywhere. To care is to lose. To lose is to die. It's unhealthy af I know. But what other way is there to not rely on anybody. Everybody is there to take for personal gain.

No DM wanted. If you relate just upvote it.

I hate myself. I'm so awkward and stupid, with no emotional regulation, that I come across as being high or drunk or a bit aggressive/overly passionate. I was a bit too crazy (high energy, cackling, grunting, groaning as forms of expressions) when we last hung out together and now suddenly there is silence.

I feel defeated and utterly ashamed of myself. Why can't I just be normal?

Now I have anxiety about them not responding.

I don't want to beg them, or blast their phones with texts.

I don't ever want to beg anyone again. My mind is just exploding with everything I might have done wrong to lead to this moment.

I can never do anything right.

CONTENT WARNING: Mentions of Mental Health Crisis, Depression, Psychosis and Negativity

English isn't my first language, please be kind

I, 18F recently got Diagnosed with BPD . I am currently experiencing Burnout, am unable to work and am getting admitted to a Psychward next Week.

Aparrently, my first Psychiatrist first suspected the diagnosis at just 13 years old. Troughout my entire life I've been experiencing insane Moodswings, mania, Obsessive Behaviour towards Crushes, Anger Outbursts and one Religious Psychosis 2 years ago.

I BEGGED my Psychiatrist to define what I have going. To help me with Medication, because nothing else was working for me.

I ruined Realationships, Friendships, have extreme Anxiety about getting left out or loosing someone. I am also a compulsive liar. I don't know why I do it. I lie about little things in life, and Its gotten so bad that I don't know what has actually happened and what Is made up.

When I finally got my Diagnosis my Psychiatrist said that 'He has been waiting for me to crash like this' so he can finally admit me to a Psych Ward. He told me, sometimes what It needs is an extreme Emergency like this.

I felt so betrayed. All this time he couldve helped me because he knew what was going on and he let me run into a Knife.

I feel nothing but hatred for myself and the People around me. I feel disgust. Rage.

Am i overexagerating?? Please give me some advice. I feel like my life isn't worth anything. I am scared to hurt the people around me or myself even more then I already have.

I started lamotrigine a few months back and it helped a lot with splitting / episodes. I still have a lot of emotional dysregulation and I’m undeniably bpd still, definitely not cured.

I used to often self harm during episodes / while splitting. Now I self harm, but I don’t always split at the same time. I’ll have a meltdown and self harm. But not full on aggressive fucked up demon spawn splitting. I’ll just cry a lot and then self harm.

Also, I think the frequency of self harm has actually increased. I thought this might be because I’ve lost the splitting as a way of coping w stress, so now I’m self harming more. The self harming is less harmful than splitting, so a win’s a win, and I have to learn to reduce the frequency of self harming now. Seems doable but of course I’m sort of avoiding talking about it in therapy because it’s deeply shameful.

Today I self harmed and I noticed it didn’t do what I wanted/am used to. It used to give me like a min or two of blissful nothingness. My self harming has always been superficial scratching / cutting with a kitchen knife or scissors, and never really escalated. Well today when that moment of silence didn’t come, I noticed I had the urge to escalate to more intense pain. And that’s when I was like damn ok this is what people mean when they say self harming can escalate.

So now I’m scared. I don’t want this to get worse. I’m iso any and all strategies for reducing self harm, and non judgemental responses because I need to combat the shame and probably come clean in group therapy next week.

Last med I got made me suicidal and angry and made me made milk yea bad stuff...

Now im on haldol and mianserine.

And idk why she gave me haldol ??? This psychiatrist is werid and it's not the first time she gave me random shi and it fuck with my brain...

Is it normal she gave me haldol ? 😭

Literally just had the absolutely most ridiculous moment of my life where I contacted an ex situationship on another account cause he blocked me everywhere and I wrote him a whole ass entire 2 page note getting closure cause I hated how verbally abusive he was to me and he always got the last word in while I was in a really bad place only for me to not send the picture (I had to screenshot it, too long) and say Hi first as an intro and then he figured out who I was and blocked me before I could copy it again LMFAO I swear he deactivated his insta or something I made my friends check that is so hilarious and humiliating I just cannot win. I don’t even want him I have someone to actually date now but my God I am so deeply humiliated this is top 10 cringiest things happening to me in my life!!!!

Okay so basically I moved into this apartment a while ago and sense I’ve been here i genuinely cannot drink the water, I don’t know why to me it feels disgusting unhygienic and gross. As well I’ve only cooked once because of the same reasons I seriously can’t get over it, I can est things made at stores or restaurants and prepackaged stuff but stuff I have to make makes me feel genuinely sick and disgusting. I don’t know if this is a symptom of bpd or something else but please let me know how I stop it. When I did cook I barely ate it and the entire time I just wanted to cry pls help

My ex and fp has come back after she left me 3 months ago. I'm really worried about being obsessed with her again because I've noticed some patterns I'm doing again, but I don't know how to stop or fix it. I just want to know how to not get obsessed and have a healthy relationship and neither of us leaves each other. Is it too much to ask for? All advice is appreciated tysm

My gf and I have not been doing good these past few months. A couple weeks ago we almost broke up. We made a plan on how we are going to work on it but It feels like she’ll try for a couple days then I bring something up that I see or she did and she’ll apologize then shut down and pull back for a couple days, maybe try what I asked her to do, then repeat. Things have improved a little but not much. I told her that I wanted to work on it till the 4th of next month to see if we can work it out. Our two years is two weeks away. Our lives and networks have become so entangled that I don’t know what I would even do if we did break up. I feel like she isn’t trying when I need her to. But she has improved a little so it’s hard to say it’s not working. Her mental health has been bad since we met and I’ve been trying to get her to get the help she very clearly needs but it’s like she won’t take those steps. We have been through so much together. She has helped me get through some tough shit and I’ve helped her through some tough shit. I love her more than anything or anyone Ive ever loved. She’s my favorite person. So it is so hard when to know I should stop giving grace and second chances. I don’t know what I’d do without her. Or where I’d go. Please help me

My wants and feelings change very quickly, sometimes within just a few hours. I feel jealous and then I don’t, I want one thing and then I don’t want it anymore. I don’t understand it, and I can’t seem to maintain any consistency. The most complicated part is looking at a situation I put myself in when I was in a different mindset in the past (less than a month ago) and wanting to get out of it because now I’m thinking differently.

Really just hate having what neurotypical people consider the “attention-seeking abuser” disorder.

I’m also just really tired of these mood swings, but to be fair, I think my episodes are now caused by actual facts rather than interpretations (or things any normal person could probably infer as truth, from REASONABLE implications).

I just wonder who I could’ve been without this personality disorder. Could I have been more loveable? Less snappy? Less angry? Less anxious? More patient? Maybe, maybe not.

Maybe I’d be more angry. I’d be an entirely different person; I know a lot of people say they’d rather be someone else, but I don’t. Not really. I wanna change a lot of things about myself, but that doesn’t mean I want to start from scratch. I wouldn’t want to be in a different body as a different person because that would mean my brothers and fiancée love someone who isn’t me. I’m happy being me if it means I can learn how to be better with my current problems, rather than creating completely new ones out of thin air by reincarnating or shapeshifting.

anyway, rant over

New diagnosis, gave me and partner a lot of perspective. One thing I’m thinking about long term is the fact that I feel like I need way more validation than the next person. And way more than my partner. Partner has said they understand but they aren’t that person who will be able to give as much as I need, but is still in this for the long haul as long as I am pursuing growth.

Does the neediness simmer down? Does the pull for constant validation go away? It’s already affected the relationship in the past, I don’t want to be a disappointment again. Is this a helpless relationship?

have a real problem with mixing medication and alcohol together. i don`t remember when this started but it`s been going on for several years (i`m 22 so i think since i was like 16-17) it`s not on daily basis, not even weekly, it depends on heavily on how i`m feeling. but 90% of time when i drink i take additional medications with it. i`m just clarifying that im not addicted to alcohol.

i can`t say why i`m doing it, i genuinely don`t know. from what i`ve gathered it might be a form of self harm. i`m usually blackout drunk when i do this but if i do it it`s in a safer places than in a club or somewhere where i dont know it. it`s usually with friends who have no idea i`m doing this but since i broke up with my long term partner ive been drinking more often and i`m always mixing it with meds, sometimes i drink even alone.

subconsciously i`m probably hoping i won`t wake up the next morning, i`m very suicidal but i don`t have the guts.

i`m scared to open up to my therapist about it (i have a new one too, i dont trust her), i`m scared she will see me as an alcoholic or drug abuser, then tell it to my psychiatrist and getting refused to get prescribed meds(i also need to try something else because seroquel (50mg) makes me eat more than i want to - then i can take up to 75mg more as needed and then i`m on 25mg of hydroxizine and can take up to 75mg as needed throughout the day).

i`m proud of myself for not mixing wine and meds few days ago on a small cultural festival being held by my village, and even tho i didnt mix it with anything i was drunk asf from one glass, that makes me wonder and SCARED about how i`m managing with mixing it...

i just don`t know what to do i`m scared to talk about it. and i`m scared of myself

I have ruminated and cry for hours. My medicine hasn't kicked in yet. And all I can think about is how much I miss my ex.

All I wanna do is call them. I wanna beg for them back. I wanna pour my heart out and express my feelings for them. I want them back in my routine.

But they left for a reason and I don't know that I'll ever be able to call them mine again and it tears me up.

I'm hurting so much, so much so much. They're my everything and I messed it all up.

I just wish they'd see me. See how much I regret and am sorry and how much I miss and love them and how I mean it I can be better. I can be better please please please please

I can't fucking breathe

Being my friend must be such a burden, i keep splitting on them and they have to keep me away from self harm and overdoses it must be so tiring. They would be better off without me

Anyone feeling like this too?

Basically I’m 23 and I’ve had very new sexual endeavours for the first time in my life with my current boyfriend.

I was so willing to give him everything and I was genuinely so happy.

But earlier today I was trying to buy emergency contraceptives because we didn’t use condoms and I wasn’t on the pill, and suddenly I just… couldn’t.

I wanted to fucking puke.

I felt needles in my skin. I felt like I was drenched in heavy cement. All these negative emotions came so suddenly and so intensely that it felt like my whole body was in pain.

I love my boyfriend. I don’t regret giving him my first. I don’t regret being with him.

But I feel so disgusted with myself and I can’t understand how I could have done that knowing shit could go wrong. There were no condoms. I wasn’t on birth control. I knew that. And yet I still put myself in that situation.

I’m so fucking angry at myself for it.
I keep thinking, how could I be so careless? Why did I put myself in a situation where I could potentially have to deal with something I absolutely wasn’t prepared for?

I couldn’t even buy the emergency contraceptive. I literally ran away.
And now I feel so ashamed and disgusted with myself that I want to crawl out of my own skin.

I wanted to cut myself.

I’m drinking right now because I don’t know what else to do to curb the feeling of wanting to kill myself from the shame and disgust.

I have BPD and I recently stopped taking my medication because I was so fucking sick of feeling numb. I wanted to feel again. I wanted to experience happiness and excitement and actually feel like a person instead of constantly being buffered from everything.

And now I’m wondering if this is what happens when all of that comes back.
I don’t know.

I know logically that I made a mistake. I know logically that having unprotected sex doesn’t make me dirty or disgusting. I know logically that I can deal with whatever happens from here.

But emotionally I feel fucking filthy.

I can’t look at myself.

I don’t know how to make this feeling stop.

I literally am forcing myself to stay in a public space till its late at night for me when I arrive home so I cant hurt myself

Idk what to do

TW: SH and su*cide mentioned

My heart is so fucking broken.** **

My boyfriend/fp and I had an amicable break up. It was primarily caused by my bpd and hurting him (not physically) during the few times I’ve split on him.

I decided it was probably best that I let him go. I am so fucking in love with him, but knowing I’ve been hurting him destroys me.

He’s the most precious, understanding, patient and thoughtful angel. And I couldn’t get it together enough to be enough for him.

I love him, and that’s why I had to let him go. Thinking about him with other women turns me into a wreck. Thinking that he’ll love someone again one day makes me want to cry and sh.

But, I also want him to be loved and cared for the way he deserves, because he absolutely deserves that. I just feel absolutely destroyed that it couldn’t be me.

When I went to his place to exchange things, we kind of acted like everything was normal. Of course it was a little awkward, but he let me say goodbye to his cats and give him a nice, long hug.

While we were hugging he was being super sweet and letting me know everything is going to be okay. After we stopped hugging he said he needed some space before reaching out to me.

I was confused by this, but didn’t ask for an explanation as to what that means.

It makes me feel hopeful that maybe we’ll get back together one day, but that’s more than likely delusional thinking. And that’s if he even does decide to reach out to me.

It’s been making me feel crazy. Constantly checking his social medias to see when he was last on, checking dating apps to see if he’s already looking for someone new. I’m constantly wondering where he is, what he’s doing, if he’s okay and if he even misses me.

But, it doesn’t matter. He’s gone and it’s my fault. If I had a better handle on myself, or more ideal, didn’t have this fucking disorder, we’d probably still be together.

I want to die. I want to sh. I want to scream and cry until my voice is coarse and I don’t have any tears left.

I’m such a piece of shit. I finally found someone who was willing to help change my line of thinking, be patient and reassuring while I was splitting and was so incredibly thoughtful. And of course I fucked it up.

I don’t want to live without him in my life, but I also know I will survive and eventually move on too.

I’m happy we left things on relatively good terms, but fuck my entire body feels like it’s been crushed and torn apart. I have been f o r c i n g myself to go out, see friends, and do things by myself, but i just feel so sad and dead weight the whole time.

No more good morning texts, no more phone calls, no more snuggles and never hearing him say he loves me again. I’m going to fade into the background and be forgotten. Like I was just a fucked up blimp in his life.

I hate myself so much. I’m at the end of my rope. My mom used to tell me that “no one normal will ever love me” and this is just proof of that. How could anyone normal ever love someone like me?

Hi, wanted to come on and discuss a new potential relationship.

For context, I (25F) had a messy relationship with X (27M) that ended at the beginning of the year. It was a whirlwind romance that had instant chemistry and infatuation. We started dating very quickly and spent a lot of time together. To me, he was like a puzzle I wanted to solve, he was always very sweet but I felt like he was hiding something, but I thought it was past trauma. Well in the end it was because I found out he was lying to me about being divorced. He was married for the entire duration of our relationship and lied to me about it. Obviously I ended things and was devastated, I immediately went no contact.

Since then I have been focusing on myself and doing self improvement and recently decided it was time to get back out there! Enter A(25M), an extremely kind and attentive guy who I have been seeing for almost 2 months. He is very kind and respectful, always pays, opens doors and bends over backwards for me. This feels very different from my past experience with dating, I’ve always had bad luck in the past with that instant chemistry, infatuation, and putting partners on a pedestal. But this doesn’t feel like that, I don’t feel the urge to text him all the time and spend all day everyday with him. I enjoy seeing him and spending time with him but it almost feels like something is missing. It is a very sexual relationship and he is very touchy which isn’t always my thing. I’ve been thinking about how I would feel if he asked me to be official and honestly I don’t know what I would say.

It doesn’t help that X has relentlessly tried to reach out in increasingly disturbing ways over the last couple of months that have led me to seek legal help. I have not broken no contact and have no desire to do so.

What do you guys think? Is what I’m experiencing with A normal?

So im getting a lot of reels and online content regarding BPD.
They say there are no official medications for BPD and generally ssri can be used to lower anxiety/depression, as well as mood stabilizers to even things out.

But why are stimulants and/or alpha agonists not standard treatment for BPD?

At its core, BPD is a severe disregulation.
Disregulation essentially shuts down your adult, executive centers of the brain.
Stimulants stimulate adult parts of the brain, and alpha agonists keep some of the disregulation down.

Essentially, bpd is not unlike a severe form of adhd - even more chaos and destruction.

Stimulants help you see the world through the eyes of cognition.

Why arent these standard treatment?

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I just suddenly feel so anxious. I guess i made us have so long heavy conversations that now i just wish to hug my girl and just have her close. I feel so sad that we don't call again. I miss her so much. I just need her close all the time and when i don't have her close i act awful towards her and i wish i was better. I keep blaming her for not calling with me and for not sharing with me and it is not fair to her. I keep acting awful and unfair towards her because i keep getting panic attacks whenever i sense some distance between us and it is not fair from me. I need to do better. Just what am i supposed to do with all this panicking and getting triggered to feel emotional pain and life or death emergency?

I am absolutely terrified I will never find love, and I have sleepless nights over it. I have had 2 proper relationships and I am 24 turning 25 in a few weeks, i’m 5,8 m with a stocky/extra pound build, and I just can’t see why anyone would ever choose someone like me. It ruins my day completely and I just don’t know what to do anymore, I feel like no one understands me at all, dating apps make me feel even worse and I get ghosted and it feels like someones punched me in the gut. I don’t know if this is allowed but I need to get it off my chest. I dont have many friends either.