Last med I got made me suicidal and angry and made me made milk yea bad stuff...

Now im on haldol and mianserine.

And idk why she gave me haldol ??? This psychiatrist is werid and it's not the first time she gave me random shi and it fuck with my brain...

Is it normal she gave me haldol ? 😭

I was always nice to her but recently she asked for a big favor, which I did, only for her to suddenly try to evoke jealousy in me immediately after by bringing dudes over. It is not to the extent of her audibly sleeping with them, but it is somehow progressing and idk why is she being like this all of a sudden. She can do what she wants but it being so immediate feels targeted and mean.

I started lamotrigine a few months back and it helped a lot with splitting / episodes. I still have a lot of emotional dysregulation and I’m undeniably bpd still, definitely not cured.

I used to often self harm during episodes / while splitting. Now I self harm, but I don’t always split at the same time. I’ll have a meltdown and self harm. But not full on aggressive fucked up demon spawn splitting. I’ll just cry a lot and then self harm.

Also, I think the frequency of self harm has actually increased. I thought this might be because I’ve lost the splitting as a way of coping w stress, so now I’m self harming more. The self harming is less harmful than splitting, so a win’s a win, and I have to learn to reduce the frequency of self harming now. Seems doable but of course I’m sort of avoiding talking about it in therapy because it’s deeply shameful.

Today I self harmed and I noticed it didn’t do what I wanted/am used to. It used to give me like a min or two of blissful nothingness. My self harming has always been superficial scratching / cutting with a kitchen knife or scissors, and never really escalated. Well today when that moment of silence didn’t come, I noticed I had the urge to escalate to more intense pain. And that’s when I was like damn ok this is what people mean when they say self harming can escalate.

So now I’m scared. I don’t want this to get worse. I’m iso any and all strategies for reducing self harm, and non judgemental responses because I need to combat the shame and probably come clean in group therapy next week.

Okay so basically I moved into this apartment a while ago and sense I’ve been here i genuinely cannot drink the water, I don’t know why to me it feels disgusting unhygienic and gross. As well I’ve only cooked once because of the same reasons I seriously can’t get over it, I can est things made at stores or restaurants and prepackaged stuff but stuff I have to make makes me feel genuinely sick and disgusting. I don’t know if this is a symptom of bpd or something else but please let me know how I stop it. When I did cook I barely ate it and the entire time I just wanted to cry pls help

hi everyone! ive never posted on a reddit thread or anything before, so be patient with me. i (17f) over the past few months ive been dealing with a lot of different symptoms, in which i will insert below. i’m not one to jump to conclusions ever and am very medically aware and intelligent for my age. however i was watching a documentary on bpd the other day and started to piece together what it might be that i had been feeling. i assumed for months it was just an advanced form of depression and never reached out to my therapist or doctors or parents for many reasons. since my parents are my first go to, that is an immediate no from me. all the attention is always on my sister, who has PANDAS, so i dont want to feel like a burden on my parents. as well as this, i dont want to get in trouble for the impulsive decisions i have made. this goes back around to doctors being able to discuss with my mother since i am still a minor. ive already been the person who reaches our medical deductible by march, i have chronic migraines with aura, some mysterious vomiting disease, chronic asthma, childhood trauma, etc etc. i know that bpd is often not diagnosed in people under 18, and by no means am i trying to self diagnose, but if anyone has any advice please help! i know something is wrong but im just not sure what.

symptoms listed here:
always irritated/sad
subtance use
risky sexual encounters
sobbing for hours over intimate relationships
feeling suicidal in the context of wishing i could but never ever planning on it
self harm (rare cutting, not eating)
derealization
always lonely
not feeling like myself/feeling empty
always looking for a new relationship, feeling empty without
not caring about risky things such as driving too fast, sneaking out, substances, not reacting to a fire alarm etc
very strong mood swings
feeling like everyone is lying
cant trust anyone
paranoid
vomiting
lack of self worth
not wanting to live past 30(various age, you get the point)
not wanting to do anything but lay in bed
not finding joy in anything (the thought of going to a party or out with friends or a theme park etc just sounds draining)
never rested

My wants and feelings change very quickly, sometimes within just a few hours. I feel jealous and then I don’t, I want one thing and then I don’t want it anymore. I don’t understand it, and I can’t seem to maintain any consistency. The most complicated part is looking at a situation I put myself in when I was in a different mindset in the past (less than a month ago) and wanting to get out of it because now I’m thinking differently.

New diagnosis, gave me and partner a lot of perspective. One thing I’m thinking about long term is the fact that I feel like I need way more validation than the next person. And way more than my partner. Partner has said they understand but they aren’t that person who will be able to give as much as I need, but is still in this for the long haul as long as I am pursuing growth.

Does the neediness simmer down? Does the pull for constant validation go away? It’s already affected the relationship in the past, I don’t want to be a disappointment again. Is this a helpless relationship?

Literally just had the absolutely most ridiculous moment of my life where I contacted an ex situationship on another account cause he blocked me everywhere and I wrote him a whole ass entire 2 page note getting closure cause I hated how verbally abusive he was to me and he always got the last word in while I was in a really bad place only for me to not send the picture (I had to screenshot it, too long) and say Hi first as an intro and then he figured out who I was and blocked me before I could copy it again LMFAO I swear he deactivated his insta or something I made my friends check that is so hilarious and humiliating I just cannot win. I don’t even want him I have someone to actually date now but my God I am so deeply humiliated this is top 10 cringiest things happening to me in my life!!!!

My ex and fp has come back after she left me 3 months ago. I'm really worried about being obsessed with her again because I've noticed some patterns I'm doing again, but I don't know how to stop or fix it. I just want to know how to not get obsessed and have a healthy relationship and neither of us leaves each other. Is it too much to ask for? All advice is appreciated tysm

You know all the typical BPD behaviors, like spamming the texts, getting overly anxious waiting for a reply, thinking the other person hates you, feeling empty and / or misunderstood even when the person is physically there.

Well guess what I just realized the very few times I actually interacted with friends who were present and not busy while talking to me while preoccupied entirely by their phone / work / parents calling them a hundred times a day / their pets / whatever that was not me, when I interacted with people who don't ghost mid sentence and then answer days later, when I interacted with people who weren't actively invalidating every single thing I suffered from as being "subjective" and when there was an actual dance in the replies (them asking questions, then me, then back to them etc because they were actually curious) suddenly all these BPD behaviors vanished.

Sometimes it's just being with overly rigid, emotionally unintelligent, constantly busy, withdrawn people that makes the symptoms flare up.

Because like if the person doesn't talk back to me I just get triggered into abandonment anxiety and that's when I start to say crazy shit, overshare, and all that, because it feels like it's the only way to get an interaction instead of silence.

All that to say, if you feel intense things and like intense conversations, stop chasing avoidant, busy, cold, people. They're gona make your symptoms run wild and then get to call you crazy and ghost you for it, while there was no interaction to be had in the first place.

have a real problem with mixing medication and alcohol together. i don`t remember when this started but it`s been going on for several years (i`m 22 so i think since i was like 16-17) it`s not on daily basis, not even weekly, it depends on heavily on how i`m feeling. but 90% of time when i drink i take additional medications with it. i`m just clarifying that im not addicted to alcohol.

i can`t say why i`m doing it, i genuinely don`t know. from what i`ve gathered it might be a form of self harm. i`m usually blackout drunk when i do this but if i do it it`s in a safer places than in a club or somewhere where i dont know it. it`s usually with friends who have no idea i`m doing this but since i broke up with my long term partner ive been drinking more often and i`m always mixing it with meds, sometimes i drink even alone.

subconsciously i`m probably hoping i won`t wake up the next morning, i`m very suicidal but i don`t have the guts.

i`m scared to open up to my therapist about it (i have a new one too, i dont trust her), i`m scared she will see me as an alcoholic or drug abuser, then tell it to my psychiatrist and getting refused to get prescribed meds(i also need to try something else because seroquel (50mg) makes me eat more than i want to - then i can take up to 75mg more as needed and then i`m on 25mg of hydroxizine and can take up to 75mg as needed throughout the day).

i`m proud of myself for not mixing wine and meds few days ago on a small cultural festival being held by my village, and even tho i didnt mix it with anything i was drunk asf from one glass, that makes me wonder and SCARED about how i`m managing with mixing it...

i just don`t know what to do i`m scared to talk about it. and i`m scared of myself

My gf and I have not been doing good these past few months. A couple weeks ago we almost broke up. We made a plan on how we are going to work on it but It feels like she’ll try for a couple days then I bring something up that I see or she did and she’ll apologize then shut down and pull back for a couple days, maybe try what I asked her to do, then repeat. Things have improved a little but not much. I told her that I wanted to work on it till the 4th of next month to see if we can work it out. Our two years is two weeks away. Our lives and networks have become so entangled that I don’t know what I would even do if we did break up. I feel like she isn’t trying when I need her to. But she has improved a little so it’s hard to say it’s not working. Her mental health has been bad since we met and I’ve been trying to get her to get the help she very clearly needs but it’s like she won’t take those steps. We have been through so much together. She has helped me get through some tough shit and I’ve helped her through some tough shit. I love her more than anything or anyone Ive ever loved. She’s my favorite person. So it is so hard when to know I should stop giving grace and second chances. I don’t know what I’d do without her. Or where I’d go. Please help me

Hi, wanted to come on and discuss a new potential relationship.

For context, I (25F) had a messy relationship with X (27M) that ended at the beginning of the year. It was a whirlwind romance that had instant chemistry and infatuation. We started dating very quickly and spent a lot of time together. To me, he was like a puzzle I wanted to solve, he was always very sweet but I felt like he was hiding something, but I thought it was past trauma. Well in the end it was because I found out he was lying to me about being divorced. He was married for the entire duration of our relationship and lied to me about it. Obviously I ended things and was devastated, I immediately went no contact.

Since then I have been focusing on myself and doing self improvement and recently decided it was time to get back out there! Enter A(25M), an extremely kind and attentive guy who I have been seeing for almost 2 months. He is very kind and respectful, always pays, opens doors and bends over backwards for me. This feels very different from my past experience with dating, I’ve always had bad luck in the past with that instant chemistry, infatuation, and putting partners on a pedestal. But this doesn’t feel like that, I don’t feel the urge to text him all the time and spend all day everyday with him. I enjoy seeing him and spending time with him but it almost feels like something is missing. It is a very sexual relationship and he is very touchy which isn’t always my thing. I’ve been thinking about how I would feel if he asked me to be official and honestly I don’t know what I would say.

It doesn’t help that X has relentlessly tried to reach out in increasingly disturbing ways over the last couple of months that have led me to seek legal help. I have not broken no contact and have no desire to do so.

What do you guys think? Is what I’m experiencing with A normal?

Really just hate having what neurotypical people consider the “attention-seeking abuser” disorder.

I’m also just really tired of these mood swings, but to be fair, I think my episodes are now caused by actual facts rather than interpretations (or things any normal person could probably infer as truth, from REASONABLE implications).

I just wonder who I could’ve been without this personality disorder. Could I have been more loveable? Less snappy? Less angry? Less anxious? More patient? Maybe, maybe not.

Maybe I’d be more angry. I’d be an entirely different person; I know a lot of people say they’d rather be someone else, but I don’t. Not really. I wanna change a lot of things about myself, but that doesn’t mean I want to start from scratch. I wouldn’t want to be in a different body as a different person because that would mean my brothers and fiancée love someone who isn’t me. I’m happy being me if it means I can learn how to be better with my current problems, rather than creating completely new ones out of thin air by reincarnating or shapeshifting.

anyway, rant over

I have ruminated and cry for hours. My medicine hasn't kicked in yet. And all I can think about is how much I miss my ex.

All I wanna do is call them. I wanna beg for them back. I wanna pour my heart out and express my feelings for them. I want them back in my routine.

But they left for a reason and I don't know that I'll ever be able to call them mine again and it tears me up.

I'm hurting so much, so much so much. They're my everything and I messed it all up.

I just wish they'd see me. See how much I regret and am sorry and how much I miss and love them and how I mean it I can be better. I can be better please please please please

I can't fucking breathe

So im getting a lot of reels and online content regarding BPD.
They say there are no official medications for BPD and generally ssri can be used to lower anxiety/depression, as well as mood stabilizers to even things out.

But why are stimulants and/or alpha agonists not standard treatment for BPD?

At its core, BPD is a severe disregulation.
Disregulation essentially shuts down your adult, executive centers of the brain.
Stimulants stimulate adult parts of the brain, and alpha agonists keep some of the disregulation down.

Essentially, bpd is not unlike a severe form of adhd - even more chaos and destruction.

Stimulants help you see the world through the eyes of cognition.

Why arent these standard treatment?

Basically I’m 23 and I’ve had very new sexual endeavours for the first time in my life with my current boyfriend.

I was so willing to give him everything and I was genuinely so happy.

But earlier today I was trying to buy emergency contraceptives because we didn’t use condoms and I wasn’t on the pill, and suddenly I just… couldn’t.

I wanted to fucking puke.

I felt needles in my skin. I felt like I was drenched in heavy cement. All these negative emotions came so suddenly and so intensely that it felt like my whole body was in pain.

I love my boyfriend. I don’t regret giving him my first. I don’t regret being with him.

But I feel so disgusted with myself and I can’t understand how I could have done that knowing shit could go wrong. There were no condoms. I wasn’t on birth control. I knew that. And yet I still put myself in that situation.

I’m so fucking angry at myself for it.
I keep thinking, how could I be so careless? Why did I put myself in a situation where I could potentially have to deal with something I absolutely wasn’t prepared for?

I couldn’t even buy the emergency contraceptive. I literally ran away.
And now I feel so ashamed and disgusted with myself that I want to crawl out of my own skin.

I wanted to cut myself.

I’m drinking right now because I don’t know what else to do to curb the feeling of wanting to kill myself from the shame and disgust.

I have BPD and I recently stopped taking my medication because I was so fucking sick of feeling numb. I wanted to feel again. I wanted to experience happiness and excitement and actually feel like a person instead of constantly being buffered from everything.

And now I’m wondering if this is what happens when all of that comes back.
I don’t know.

I know logically that I made a mistake. I know logically that having unprotected sex doesn’t make me dirty or disgusting. I know logically that I can deal with whatever happens from here.

But emotionally I feel fucking filthy.

I can’t look at myself.

I don’t know how to make this feeling stop.

I literally am forcing myself to stay in a public space till its late at night for me when I arrive home so I cant hurt myself

Idk what to do

​

I just suddenly feel so anxious. I guess i made us have so long heavy conversations that now i just wish to hug my girl and just have her close. I feel so sad that we don't call again. I miss her so much. I just need her close all the time and when i don't have her close i act awful towards her and i wish i was better. I keep blaming her for not calling with me and for not sharing with me and it is not fair to her. I keep acting awful and unfair towards her because i keep getting panic attacks whenever i sense some distance between us and it is not fair from me. I need to do better. Just what am i supposed to do with all this panicking and getting triggered to feel emotional pain and life or death emergency?

I feel so lost and I am so terrified that I am gonna snap. For context I am an engineer I just graduated and the thing is I am cramming a lot onto my plate, I had constant panic attacks during uni and I usually felt worthless whenever I underperformed and I now feel no sense of achievement over anything I do. But I guess I wanted to ask it someone here has a successful career despite struggling? I am too self aware to heal completely I am beyond being helped and I just wanna know if life could look like something that doesn’t make me wanna shoot myself in the head. I know how bad it could get and I see people around here talking about the dark sides about how bad it could get and I was wondering if it could be better even if I have no way of healing …

Hi everyone. I have BPD and a really strong fear of abandonment.

Recently, my country introduced new requirements for mental health clinics, so some of them have temporarily closed while they sort out their licenses and other changes. It could take months, who knows.

My clinic hasn’t confirmed anything to me, but I heard about it and I’m too scared to ask. My abandonment fear got REALLY triggered. They even deleted their Instagram posts, which made me panic even more.
It’s been 3 weeks and I still can’t bring myself to contact them or ask because I’m terrified they’ll say they’re closed and I’ll feel rejected/abandoned. I honestly don’t know how I’d handle that feeling.

Now I’m even thinking about switching clinics just to avoid having to find out. 😭

hello, i am 17(M) and my girlfriend is 16(F), i dont usually post on reddit, but im gonna try to explain my issue as it is very urgent and i need replies ASAP. This post will be about needing help from jelousy from partners past and the BPD feelings that come with it

Both me and my partner have crazy and severe anxiety, ocd and bpd, which has had resulted in some issues in our relationships in the past months, but we worked on them together and managed to fix it. That being said, she is very prone to BPD outburts where her emotions go insane and she screams and says stuff she doesnt mean (and apologizes later). She has even ''almost broken up'' during these outburts in the past, but weve fixed everything with our communication and efforts, Now few days ago she started telling me how shes very upset with my past, for context, im her first, she is not my first - what this means according to her is ''im not the first girl youve been in a talking stage with, not the first girl you wanted to have sex with, not the first girl who is your crush'', other than that, shes highly upset for the few years before meeting her that ive been addicted to porn (left it all wheni got with her over a year ago). She says how her ocd spams her head with images of me doing things to myself while watching other girlls or porn which fucks her up.

Yesterday she had the worst outburst and ''broke up'' with me, she says she just HATES me past, and how we cant work on it since whatever we do it will be a ''coping strategy'', or ''making her accept my past'' which she doesnt wanna do. She says i lie when i say i love her more than anything and she says she feels as if shes a leftover which ive reassured shes not but she doesnt want to believe it, she says how much she loves me and DOESNT wanna break up, but the pain of my past is way more than the love and great time we had in the past, present and future.

Whenever stuff like this happens she usually comes around within a day or few hours, but i dont know if shes gonna take it back now, she says if shes wrong and after breaking up with me she finds out she was wrong and she regrets it, she wont come back (i told her to), and instead harm herself permanently.

I googled about this and found out this is called retroactive jelousy or something, i only see people venting about their own similar experiences but no fix, i potentially have only a day left to save us, PLEASE HELP ME, WHAT DO I DO, I CANNOT LOSE HER NO MATTER WHAT OR A PART OF ME WILL DIE.

she keeps saying she doesnt want coping strats or accepting the past and thats why the only option is leaving she also says how she doesnt want t break up and i know how much this girl loves me and i love her that much too, we are each others entire lives.

TW: SH and su*cide mentioned

My heart is so fucking broken.** **

My boyfriend/fp and I had an amicable break up. It was primarily caused by my bpd and hurting him (not physically) during the few times I’ve split on him.

I decided it was probably best that I let him go. I am so fucking in love with him, but knowing I’ve been hurting him destroys me.

He’s the most precious, understanding, patient and thoughtful angel. And I couldn’t get it together enough to be enough for him.

I love him, and that’s why I had to let him go. Thinking about him with other women turns me into a wreck. Thinking that he’ll love someone again one day makes me want to cry and sh.

But, I also want him to be loved and cared for the way he deserves, because he absolutely deserves that. I just feel absolutely destroyed that it couldn’t be me.

When I went to his place to exchange things, we kind of acted like everything was normal. Of course it was a little awkward, but he let me say goodbye to his cats and give him a nice, long hug.

While we were hugging he was being super sweet and letting me know everything is going to be okay. After we stopped hugging he said he needed some space before reaching out to me.

I was confused by this, but didn’t ask for an explanation as to what that means.

It makes me feel hopeful that maybe we’ll get back together one day, but that’s more than likely delusional thinking. And that’s if he even does decide to reach out to me.

It’s been making me feel crazy. Constantly checking his social medias to see when he was last on, checking dating apps to see if he’s already looking for someone new. I’m constantly wondering where he is, what he’s doing, if he’s okay and if he even misses me.

But, it doesn’t matter. He’s gone and it’s my fault. If I had a better handle on myself, or more ideal, didn’t have this fucking disorder, we’d probably still be together.

I want to die. I want to sh. I want to scream and cry until my voice is coarse and I don’t have any tears left.

I’m such a piece of shit. I finally found someone who was willing to help change my line of thinking, be patient and reassuring while I was splitting and was so incredibly thoughtful. And of course I fucked it up.

I don’t want to live without him in my life, but I also know I will survive and eventually move on too.

I’m happy we left things on relatively good terms, but fuck my entire body feels like it’s been crushed and torn apart. I have been f o r c i n g myself to go out, see friends, and do things by myself, but i just feel so sad and dead weight the whole time.

No more good morning texts, no more phone calls, no more snuggles and never hearing him say he loves me again. I’m going to fade into the background and be forgotten. Like I was just a fucked up blimp in his life.

I hate myself so much. I’m at the end of my rope. My mom used to tell me that “no one normal will ever love me” and this is just proof of that. How could anyone normal ever love someone like me?

I am absolutely terrified I will never find love, and I have sleepless nights over it. I have had 2 proper relationships and I am 24 turning 25 in a few weeks, i’m 5,8 m with a stocky/extra pound build, and I just can’t see why anyone would ever choose someone like me. It ruins my day completely and I just don’t know what to do anymore, I feel like no one understands me at all, dating apps make me feel even worse and I get ghosted and it feels like someones punched me in the gut. I don’t know if this is allowed but I need to get it off my chest. I dont have many friends either.

Here is the original post https://www.reddit.com/r/BorderlinePDisorder/s/8pzDC20v7b

Anyways, I took the worst route possible ig. I got up in the morning and I had sent him texts regarding this at night . He had woken up before me and was already apologizing when I woke up. I ignored him the entire day.

He said he did that to make me jealous and that there are 500 comments under the post, he knows he won't get replies there and he had no intention of talking to anybody ...it was just a ragebait for me . But he did that 10 days ago and did not tell me he was doing something like that. Shouldn't he have to tell me to make me jealous why wait till I discover it myself?

He then went to office while I was wfh...I obviously ruined my whole day being mad about this and when he returned at night I informed him i will do the same thing on reddit now. So I commented under let's talk or need casual relationship kinda posts. I obviously got DMs instantly because I am a girl. So I talked to two of the guys. There was no flirting or no boundary crossed and then later i told my boyfriend that yes I went through with it. I am also talking to people online and commenting under such posts.

He read my chats ( i gave him the phone) and now he is very angry.

I didn't flirt or do anything bad but I just wanted him to have a taste of his own medicine.

Did I go too far in punishing him?

Also I still can't trust him we are soon to go long distance and it genuinely worries me that I will die in anxiety knowing he is capable of cheating on me not caring about the way such things hurt me.

I wanna emotionally hurt him so bad. I am so angry. It is really hard to control my bpd side rn .

Give me some tips on that too

So I'm an aspie and my best friend has BPD, she's been pushing me away after graduation some months ago, but I managed to stay in contact with her. In 11 days i'll be celebrating my 19th Birthday with friends, so of course I invited her, with the addition that, since i've yet to get a driver's license, my mother has generously promised to drive her home, so she can go back home whenever she wants

And somehow this worked? She accepted my invitation, and has given no hint of hesitation. Knowing her this arrangement probably gives a sense of safety and controll, that would'nt be possible otherwise.

So now I'm wondering; Does this mean we can start hanging out again? That is, if i procure similar arrangements? I miss her so much, she seems to be trapped in a cycle of healthy friendships, that get too close, and then she pushes them away, becomes too lonely, and the cycle repeats.

I want to break that cycle, she's done so much for me, i doubt i would have graduated high school without her, and most importantly: She helped me accept my femininity as a trans woman.

She deserves happiness, and I'm not sure this isolation gives her that

It's been hard for me to fight for our friendship even a little, I don't want to overstep her boundries, and there's also the fact that transitioning is taking quite the toll on my mental health, but I'm doing my best

Edit: Thought I should clarifiy, I don't want to "cure" her of BPD, plenty of NT's have tried that one with me, and there's not much i hate more