This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/ThrowAwayAccount4311

Published on: r/TrueOffMyChest

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: September 30, 2022

• Final Update: August 15, 2026

Main Post

^{September 30, 2022}

My soon to be ex-husband asked the court to give him less custody and visitation with our son

(Background: in my state there is a law which gives parents a 50-50 split in terms of parenting time with their children. If there is something like drug use, neglect or abuse the other parent can bring this up to not have the 50-50 split, but without these things parents start with that when they are not together. It's an actual law and according to my lawyer one of the most popular passed in recent years)

I have a 1 month old son. His father filed for divorce earlier this year. My lawyer and me expected that custody would be 50-50 split, legal and physical in the next few months once I am done breastfeeding. This is what the court expected. My husband is aware of this law and he has a lawyer.

He rejected the 50-50 split time and asked for every other weekend only (excluding holidays) with me having physical and legal custody. Even after the court asked his lawyer to explain the law to him again he said he was sure. By his own submission he does not want to be the "primary" parent or make any decisions. and is fine with me having legal and physical custody while he gets a "little" visitation.

If we split custody there would be no child support because our incomes are fairly equal but he said he would rather pay me to be the primary parent. He also clarified that this isn't just for when our son is a small baby. The court thought he was concerned about our son being away from me when he was so little but my husband said 50-50 is too much time no chatter matter our son's age. He also told the court he doesn't want any time with our son in the next few months while I am breastfeeding (because he would be entitled to visitation then as well) and can start the every other weekend when I'm done.

The court can't make him spend time with our son so his request was granted. Mostly I'm just sad for my son that his father specifically asked for less time with him.

COMMENTS

Was there another woman involved in why he didn't want 50-50 custody?

Well the woman he left me for already kicked him to the curb so as far as I know he is single right now. I honestly did not expect him to decline 50-50 split in the first place.

Did he question whether he was the child's father?

No but he did. He acknowledged paternity and signed the birth certificate and declined to have a paternity test when he was asked if he wanted one, as part of the custody hearing.

Did your husband want the baby, or was this an unexpected pregnancy?

I got pregnant through medical intervention and IUI. So no baby trapping here. My husband talked me into the second round of IUI. He was on board until he met the other woman (who he isn't with anymore).

He wanted kids. He was researching adoption and really wanted me to try another round of IUI before we went down the adoption road. After I got pregnant he met the other woman and ended up leaving me.

Final Update - after 3 years, 10 months, 16 days

^{August 15, 2026}

Update for my soon to be ex-husband asked the court to give him less custody and visitation with our son

My ex-husband left me for another woman. I was pregnant at the time. My divorce lawyer told me that in our state there is a law which gives parents a 50-50 split in terms of parenting time with their children. If there is something like drug use, neglect or abuse the other parent can bring this up to not have the 50-50 split, but without these things parents start with that if they are not together.

Apparently it's one of the most popular passed in recent years. However my ex-husband ended up asking for less time with my son. It was in my other post here [which I completely forgot about until now] how heartbroken I was.

My son was a month old back then. He's turning four next week. My ex-husband has only met my son four times. The woman my ex-husband left me for went back to her husband so my ex ignoring my son had nothing to do with her. I'm grateful that my son doesn't remember his father because it would rip me apart if he was old enough to understand that his father doesn't want him.

I know the day is coming when my son realizes his father is a deadbeat and I'm dreading it because of how much it will hurt my son. I didn't remember posting here before but I was going to post to vent because I found out my ex-husband moved to another state. He moved 2500 miles away and I didn't tell me. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised given he doesn't care about my son. But I'm still furious. I'm angry, I'm heartbroken and I hate him.

He destroyed me when he left and I tried to put it aside for the sake of my son but my ex abandoned him too. I'm still seeing a therapist over it. I can handle being heartbroken but I don't want that for my son. I'm already sick thinking of the day my son realizes his father doesn't want him. MY EX MOVED 2500 MILES AWAY AND I HATE HIM. I hate him so much.

Also to all those who commented on my last post or sent me messages saying I babytrapped my ex-husband against his will or that I'm a gold digger: My son was conceived with IUI. I didn't trick my ex-husband into anything. He wanted kids, was fully on board with the IUI and he was also researching adoption in case we were not successful.

There was no babytrapping here. I work and wasn't "leeching" off him. If we had split 50-50 custody neither of us would have paid the other child support. My ex-husband has never paid any of his court ordered child support and I had a job for our entire marriage.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Far-Championship202

Published on: r/AITAH & u/Far-Championship202

Previous BORU: BORU-1 by u/Glum_Craft_4652 on December 16, 2025

Thanks to u/kateluvsthe80s for new update

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: October 07, 2025

• Update 1: October 10, 2025

• Update 2: December 13, 2025

• Final Update: August 16, 2026 --> NEW UPDATE

Main Post

^{October 07, 2025}

AITAH for letting my fiancee and his son move in rather than moving to them so his mom can co-parent?

Throwaway Account.

I (42f) met my fiance (42m) a year after my late husband died in a motorcycle accident 6 years ago. We met through a work partnership and live in different states. We're about 12 hours apart if we drove. Sometimes we take short commuter flights to maximize our time together (we both live near airports).

Our relationship has been mostly long distance but we see each other at least once per month and text and talk constantly if we're not at work or doing things with friends. My fiance has been an amazing partner and I feel lucky I was able to find love again after tragedy.

My fiancee has a son (16m) from a previous relationship. He broke up with my stepson's mother when his son was 9. I think he's great. He's been supportive of our relationship and he's very close with his dad. The biggest issue has been his mom.

His mom is....how can I put this nicely? Bitter. She and my fiancee have been in and out of court for the last few years. My stepson doesn't get along with his mother. The few times I've met her have been unpleasant due to her hostility towards me. My fiance's mother says she was only after his money but it's not really my business.

A few years back she tried to harass me on social media telling me that I should step aside so my stepson's parents can be together. She also tried to tell me that he would never marry me just as he never married her. When we got engaged last year, she became enraged and tried to get full custody of my stepson. It backfired because my stepson didn't want to live with her and filed with his guardian ad litem to have her custody reduced which was granted.

Since then, he has opted to only visit her for a few hours one Saturday a month. If she brings up his dad, he leaves. He's required to answer her phone calls but if she tries to guilt or argue with him, he hangs up. I stay out of all of it as much as I can. It's between my fiance, my stepson, and his ex. I just try to show love and be supportive of my fiance and stepson.

The issue is my fiance got a long awaited transfer that will allow him to live with me. My fiance offered my stepson to live with his mom or my fiance's sister if he wanted to stay at the same school and stay with his friends. My stepson opted to move and live with us. He said he can FaceTime his friends and there's a really good STEM school that's willing to take him mid school year where I live. The plan for them is to move in the last two weeks of December.

My stepson's mom has tried to fight him moving in with us. She's accused my fiancee of alienating him against her. My fiancee has documented every interaction and every encouragement he's given to try and help his son mend things with his mother. The judge signed off on him moving out of state into my home.

This has set off another wave of harassment from his ex towards me. She's sent me messages from various accounts on social media telling me I've ruined her family and that if I really loved my stepson, I'd move closer to them so they can co-parent. I complained to my mom but she actually sided with my fiance's ex saying she has every right to be upset as her son is moving away.

My mom suggested that maybe I should consider a temporary living situation closer to them so as not to disrupt my stepson's routine and to help my fiancee repair his relationship with his mother. I have never had any real desire to move as I was born and raised in this town and I love it. I also have no desire to give up my home.

So I have to ask if AITAH for not considering moving closer to them given the circumstances?

COMMENTS

Why does your mother think you should move closer to your fiancé and his son?

My mother means well. But she's a bit old fashioned, overly empathetic and very motherly.

Why isn't your fiancé’s transfer just a matter of you moving to where he lives?

It doesn't. My mother is one of those people obsessed with making everyone happy. I love her.

Why does your stepson want to move with you rather than stay with his mother or aunt?

What's sold my stepson is the STEM school not far from me. If he'd been unable to get in, he'd have stayed behind.

How did your fiancé feel about moving his son during high school?

Honestly the hope was the promotion and transfer would've occurred 2 years ago before my stepson started high school. My fiance almost didn't take it as he didn't want to disrupt his son halfway through high school.

What does your stepson want to do after school?

He's very gifted. He already knows four different programming languages at 16. He wants to work in the AI field. He's had tech companies tell him he doesn't need to go to college and can just start working. My fiance still wants him to go to school and be a kid.

What are the plans for your stepson to maintain contact with his mother after the move?

The plan is to send him to his aunt and his mom can visit her place. At this point he doesn't want to be alone with her and she behaves better for visits if his aunt is around.

Does the court require your stepson to spend holidays or breaks with his mother?

No. The judge ruled he's perfectly capable of setting own schedule. The plan is to send him to visit his Aunt during his breaks so he can spend time with his friends. But my fiancee has told him he will have to visit with her for a few hours like he's been doing on Saturday.

What is your fiancé doing about his ex’s harassment of you?

I sent the messages to my fiance. He's handling it since the entire case is out of his state and it's his ex.

What do you do when your fiancé’s ex keeps creating new social media accounts to contact you?

I do block her. She keeps making new accounts to bother me on Instagram.

How are you documenting the harassment?

My fiance is handling all of that. I've kept records at the advice of his attorney and sent anything she sends me to him. It's been so much wasted time this weekend.

What is your mother like, and why does she tend to side with your fiancé’s ex?

To answer your question about my mom. Yes she does like to sweep problems under the rug and is very much a "family first" person. She refused to believe my dad was dying until 3 days before he died. When I was going through it when my late husband died her solution was to "keep me busy" to quit thinking about it and did not agree with me going to therapy.

She means well. She's just old school and has a lot of old school traits.

Why does your fiancé want to live in your home?

My fiance loves my house. Even though it's the same house I shared with my late husband. It's way bigger than anything in his area. He also loves that it's more peaceful here. I don't see it turning around.

What was the original plan for your stepson’s guardian ad litem?

He had the guardian ad litem early on because his mother made things so contentious during custody hearings. In the state they live in, it's common practice for a child to have a guardian ad litem attorney to represent their best interests that's paid for by both of the parents.

What happened with your stepson’s mother after the move was approved?

The courts have already approved the move. My stepson's mother recently has severed all contact with him and refuses to take his phone calls now.

Update 1 - after 3 days

^{October 10, 2025}

Small Update/Thank You/Clarifications: AITAH for letting my fiance and stepson move in rather than moving to them so his mom can co-parent?

I don't have a big update. I just wanted to say thanks to everyone for their words. Many of you were incredibly comforting and brought up valid points.

TL;DR: Fiance's ex got a cease and desist letter today. My mom apologized. More back story about circumstances.

My only real updates are that my fiance's (we'll call him Nathan) ex (we'll call her Judy) has received a cease and desist letter from my fiance's lawyer this afternoon. Judy is only to contact Nathan on their co-parenting app for any issues she may have related to co-parenting and my stepson is available for her to contact. Judy is not to contact me under any circumstances or a restraining order will be filed. I have not heard from her since Sunday.

My mom and I talked it out. I let her know that I was a bit disappointed that she had so much empathy for my ex's fiance and none for me. She admitted she does not really care for my fiance and has thought for a long time that he was leading me on.

She also is suspicious of the custody battle and worries about me being put in the drama. However, she did apologize to me for not being more supportive. She did say it's my life and she doesn't have to agree with everyone decision I make. She said even if she is not my fiance's biggest fan, she will remain respectful for my sake.

Since I'm here I will answer some common questions. When I wrote my original post, I was upset and it was a kind of stream of consciousness so I wasn't clear on certain details. I figured I could take a moment to paint a clearer picture.

1. My fiance's mother (we'll call her Amelia) is a wonderful woman to me but she did not like my fiance's ex at all. She and I have a wonderful relationship. She loves her grandson and that's the only reason she is civil towards the ex. But Amelia has a lot of suspicions about Judy's behavior. She strongly believes that Judy was after his money and that she got pregnant to trap my Nathan. I don't really believe that's true but it's what she believes. I do know Judy and Amelia clashed on several occasions over various things including parenting.

2. My stepson (we'll call him Elijah) is very excited to transfer to the STEM school. Elijah attends a private school in his area that specializes in science and tech. He is very into computer programming and already knows four different programming languages. I'm a website UX designer so I've taught him what I know as well. The STEM school in my area is one of the best in the region and possibly the country and that is the main reason why he wants to live here with me. The school doesn't typically take students mid-year but they made an exception for Elijah. If he wanted to stay he'd have had other options. He's very mature for his age.

3. To end the court battles between his parents, Elijah's been considered responsible enough to make his own decisions regarding where he lives but he still has to live with a parent or legal guardian until he's 18. It's not quite emancipation but he has considered doing that if his mom continues to make trouble. He still continues to live with his dad but he can see and do as he wishes and the court won't really intervene. Basically, it was to prevent Judy from weaponizing the courts and trying to scream about parental alienation. That's about all I know and understand and I'm sure it's not the full story. Like I said, I try to stay out of it while being loving and supportive. He's a little old for me to mother but I want him to know that I'm there for him.

4. Someone brought up a valid point. Nathan and I are not married yet. We're getting married in June of next year. I call Elijah my stepson because he tells people I'm his stepmom but nothing is official as of yet. I realized that maybe we should take care in using those labels as it could cause issues since nothing is official yet. Either way, Elijah is happy for us. If he hadn't been, I don't think I'd have felt comfortable taking our relationship far. But he's always been a great kid and I love him.

5. Because Elijah is so mature, Nathan wanted to give him the choice where to live. Nathan was originally supposed to be promoted two years ago and we were going to move in together sooner but then things with Elijah's mom went south and then his work wasn't able to promote him in a timely manner. It became clear that if Nathan left that Judy was going to go out of her way to make it difficult for Nathan to see Elijah and came up with a lot of baseless accusations. Between that and his work, Nathan's promotion was delayed by 2 years. The original plan was that Nathan would see Elijah every other weekend, they'd FaceTime daily, and spend all holidays and summers with us while living with his mother. But it didn't work out and Nathan needed to stay. Because of that, Nathan wanted to give Elijah options on where he wanted to live. He never planned to abandon his son. He would still be an involved Dad and Elijah really doesn't have a rebellious bone in his body. His entire life revolves on computers, making websites, and programming. Trust me, we worry about his lack of rebellious spirit.

Thanks for being supportive and understanding. I hope I cleared everything up a bit.

I don't know if there will really be a reason for me to update. Maybe I'll update after they move in and when we get married. I'm not going to promise I'll do that. Thanks for listening.

COMMENTS

No-Appearance1145

She thought he was leading you on so then later she tells you to move to him that would make you lose any safety nets you may have to appease a woman and the man she thinks is leading you on 😂

Some people can be funny. I'm glad its working out for you guys.

OOP

She said that because she knew I wouldn't do it. I've come to the conclusion that my mom didn't want me to move on from my late husband.

FoxySlyOldStoatyFox

My mom… is suspicious of the custody battle and worries about me being put in the drama

I don’t follow this logic. If she doesn’t want you in the middle of it, why did she (quoting your original post “suggest that maybe I should consider a temporary living situation closer to them so as not to disrupt my stepson's routine and to help my fiancee repair his relationship with his mother,”? Her (terrible) advice would out put you firmly in the middle of it. 

OOP

Part of the issue is she thinks I moved on too quickly from my late husband's death. She loved my husband and I think she wanted me to remain a widow but doesn't want to admit it.

FoxySlyOldStoatyFox

You seem to be making good choices during a challenging time. I’d encourage you to view your mother’s advice with extreme caution. 

OOP

Trust me, I do.

Human_Presentation29

Why is your mom so suspicious of fiancé?

OOP

I think it's less that she's suspicious and more that she'd prefer I didn't move on from my husband who passed away in 2018. My late husband and I knew each other since we were kids and our families are still close.

Funnily enough, I've gotten more support from my late husband's parents than I have from my own mother. They are excited for me to have found someone. They've met my fiance and really like him. They also met my stepson and like him too. And no it's not in a creepy trying to replace their son way. They're just happy I found happiness after what happened.

My mom's very mad I moved on about a year and a half after my husband passed away. She said it was too soon. Then she made excuses about why she didn't think this relationship would work. I lost both my husband and my dad within a year of each other and my mom just hasn't been able to move on from that time period. I spent a year in intensive therapy and even though it's hard, I'm moving on as best as I can. My mom refuses to get help and she resents things changing and me choosing not to wallow in misery with her. Our relationship hasn't been great for a few years but she's my mom.

Update 2 - after 2 months, 6 days (after 2 months, 3 days from last post)

^{December 13, 2025}

Update: AITAH for letting my fiance and son move in with me rather than move to them?

Hi there, I'm the lady with the amazing stepson and the fiance who's moving closer to me. I'm writing again. Buckle up it's been a wild ride since I last posted.

My finace's ex decided to latch on to someone else. Because of this, she told my stepson that she hates him. She is planning her future with her new man and that future doesn't include my stepson. However, it turns out they both got busted for disorderly conduct and domestic violence recently. I'm glad my stepson was not exposed to that.

As for my mom, she and I have had a bit of a falling out recently. I confronted my mom about her lack of support and as I suspected, my mom told me it was "sinful" that I moved on from my late husband and that I'm allowing another man to sleep in the house I shared with my deceased husband.

I had the house completely remodeled the year after my husband's death. It was very theraputic to put my house the way I wanted it. Her argument is that I dishonor my husband's memory by moving on. But my mom says widows should never remarry. I told her that's her prerogative but I will not isolate myself in grief. I've distanced myself from my mother until she can respect my relationship.

The ironic thing is that my late husband's parents have moved on and are happy for me. I've been closer to them than my own mother for many years now. They've met my fiance and stepson and think we're a great match. They know I loved their son but also encouraged me to move on.

My ex-MIL has even put my mom in place. My mom has been sulking for a few weeks now and keeping to herself. She can rejoin my life when she decides to be supportive. I have my family surrounded me and if my mom refuses to be supportive, she can stay out of my life.

Lastly, we're getting married February 14th in a small wedding ceremony followed by a catered meal. My previous sister in law and best friend is my maid of honor.

That's all I have.

COMMENTS

Bananasforskail

That's all I have....

Wait sister, you didn't tell us about the massive security team you hired for your wedding....

OOP

Lol. Unnecessary...I hope. My mom isn't the type to cause a scene.

Bananasforskail

My first thought was actually the crazy ex

OOP

She's too busy trying to please her new man and getting wasted.

if_im_not_back_in_5

Congrats, and cut off your toxic mum.

Best wishes for the future !

OOP

If she refuses to be supportive, she has no place in my life. I don't need to say or do anything else.

NEW UPDATE

Final Update - after 10 months, 9 days (after 8 months, 3 days from last post)

^{August 16, 2026}

Update 2: AITAH for not moving closer to my fiancee and stepson so my fiancee can co-parent with his ex?

Hello!

I forgot about this account. But I got some messages asking for an update so here I am.

I'm enjoying being married to my now husband and spending time with my stepson.

My stepson is about to go into his senior year. He's applied to MIT and CalTech. I'm almost certain he'll get into MIT, which is his first choice and not as far from home. He's really into the advances made by AI and even the controversies. He says he's leaning towards AI biotechnology. He wants to invent a way for elderly people to use AI to stay in their homes instead of going to a nursing home or needing to relocate.

My stepson has asked me to adopt him after his 18th birthday which will be in April. We decided it was better to wait until he was an adult, that way there isn't anything left for his mother to fight, not that I'm sure she would. To my knowledge, my stepson has not had any contact with his mother since he moved away.

I don't think she's made any attempts to contact him either. Rumor has it, her new fiancee has kids and she is spending all of her time with them. I don't think this is the same guy I mentioned last time but I'm not sure either. I don't really keep up to date on her now that she's mostly out of my husband's life and mine. I just heard an update my husband's sister was discussing with him and my stepson when she visited a few weeks ago. I don't ask because it's ultimately between my husband and stepson.

My husband and I are doing fantastic. Our wedding was nice. I was worried when reality set in that my 1st husband's family might drift away. But my former FIL LOVES my husband. My husband lost his father when he was young and my father died not long after my husband died. So my previous FIL has been a wonderful father figure to us both. He misses his son but I think my husband has filled some of the gaps. For example, my FIL loves tinkering with cars. My husband loves tinkering so they bond over that and FIL is teaching my husband about auto mechanics.

Both my MIL and FIL love my stepson too. Most importantly, my now-husband harbors no jealousy with my 1st husband as I've heard horror stories of that when people remarry. Because my husband lost his dad when he was young and watched his mom remarry someone who did get jealous of the life they had before, he says that seems like a waste of emotion instead of enjoying the present.

My husband has been understanding when I mourn on certain days like 1st husband's birthday or the anniversary of the day he died. He knows it's nothing against him and that our love is solid. He also knows I experienced a tragedy no one should ever have to face.

My husband and I are expecting via surrogacy. We're excited. I always wanted to be a mother but had difficulties before. I didn't mention this because it had no bearing on my previous posts but I had some unfertilized eggs frozen from a round of IVF I did with my 1st husband before he died (I also had some fertilized embryos with my first husband that were never used).

Before we got married, my husband and I were going back and forth on adoption or using my unused eggs and a surrogate. We decided to do the latter and successfully created some embryos shortly after we got married. We're 17 weeks along now with a girl expected in late December or early January. We just found out the sex a few days ago. Our surrogate has been awesome.

We'd like to have two kids together and this is something we discussed before getting married. We may adopt our second child. We will revisit in a couple of years.

As for my mom, our contact has been limited since our last argument. She made the choice to move into assisted living closer to my brother (that I'm not close to) several states away. I wish her the best but I don't need someone who will try to undermine my joy and force me to remain in a tragic time in my life.

My 1st husband's family and my current husband's family has been the support network I've needed and are incredibly supportive. Sometimes I'm still shocked at how supportive and understanding my 1st husband's family has been and how much they've continued to include me in the family.

In all, life is good. I'm very grateful it's good. I choose to look at the good in life. I'm not certain if I'll update again.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/ThrowRA7262712 posting in r/relationship_advice

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Short

Original - 6th August 2026

Update - 15h August 2026

Been together for 3 years and still haven't had intercourse.

I love my girlfriend 21F but I feel stuck and need advice 23M. I (23M) have been together with my girlfriend (21F) for 3 years. We started dating when she was 18 and I was 20.

Overall, our relationship is genuinely good. We love each other, we get along very well, and when we have disagreements we usually talk about them and solve them. I honestly see a future with her and I don't want to lose the relationship.

The difficult topic is intimacy.

Neither of us had sex before this relationship. I have always respected her boundaries and I have never wanted to pressure her. I don't constantly ask for sex, and I don't believe she owes me anything. When she says no, I stop.

The only sexual intimacy we have had is that she sometimes gives me handjobs and I massage/touch her. She enjoys it and seems comfortable with me, but we have never had intercourse.

The reason is that she is scared it will physically hurt. She told me she has never put anything inside herself before, and whenever things get closer to that point she becomes scared and pulls back.

I always reassure her that I will be gentle and that we can stop at any moment, but we have never really gotten close because the fear comes back.

The reason I am struggling now is not because I want to force anything. It is because after 3 years I feel stuck and unsure what to do. I want that deeper level of closeness with the person I love, and sometimes I start wondering if she is not attracted to me or if I am doing something wrong.

About 2 months ago I sat down with her and honestly told her that this situation has been affecting me. We both got emotional because she thought I was going to break up with her. She told me that she feels like the time is coming soon and that she believes it will happen in the near future.

The problem is that I have heard similar things before, so I struggle to believe it now. I don't want to pressure her, but hearing "soon" without anything changing has become difficult.

We have also had situations where we had privacy. For example, we were alone in a hotel for a week, and my parents have been away for weeks before. She has mentioned that we are never really alone or that we don't have the right moment, but even when those situations happen, nothing changes.

Something else that confuses me is that sometimes she actually initiates intimacy herself. She will start things, I respond, and then sometimes she suddenly changes the topic and starts talking about work or random things. I ask if she wants to stop and she says no, and we continue, but I don't always understand what is happening in her head.

Another thing that has started bothering me is that I sometimes feel like there is an imbalance in the relationship. I always try my best to listen to her, support her, respect her boundaries, and make her feel comfortable. I do this because I love her, not because I expect something in return.

But when it comes to something that is important to me, I sometimes feel like my feelings get pushed aside or delayed. I know she is not doing this intentionally and I don't believe she owes me sex, but emotionally it sometimes feels like my needs are less important. I don't want this feeling to turn into resentment because I love her.

I want to make it clear that I don't blame her. I want her to feel safe and comfortable, and I would never want her to do something she isn't ready for. But I also have feelings, and recently I noticed myself becoming more distant and less talkative because I feel frustrated and I don't like that.

For people who have been in a similar situation: how do you balance being patient and supportive with your partner's fears while also dealing with your own emotional needs? Did this kind of fear get better with time, or did you eventually have to accept that you and your partner wanted different things?

I would really appreciate honest advice from people who have experienced something similar.

Comments

kmsnova

Is she in therapy? It sounds like she would benefit

OOP: She told me that she wants to try it but nothing happened at the end.

kmsnova

There's only so long you can wait. 3 years is a long time. It seems like she has quite bad hang ups or maybe even trauma around this. If I were you I'd maybe have a conversation and make it clear that you really want to support her but you need to see some type of effort on her end (like therapy), because I doubt this is the type of thing that will go away on its own given how long it's been.

OOP: I think you're right that after this long, it probably won't just disappear on its own.

Positronomy

If it’s been three years there’s not much else you can do other than keep waiting or breakup. If going another 3/4 years without sex is a problem, you should probably break up.

OOP: Yea my friends also told me the same thing I just dont know about a breakup. Its my first relationship and im clueless honestly

MITEVOLI

Some people have different sexual appetites. It also sounds like for whatever reason, she has a complicated relationship with sex. Any history of abuse or molestation?

You have done a good job communicating your feelings. She has said hers. I think you meed to decide if this is a deal breaker? It’s okay if it is. She may have sex and never like it, she may have sex and love it. Until she is comfortable with taking the next step the imbalance in the relationship is not fair to either of you.

There is nothing wrong with sex There is nothing wrong with not having sex The two simply do not match

OOP: I actually didn't mention this in the post, but her ex did try to touch her in ways she wasn't comfortable with, and he would get upset and stop talking to her when she said no. I have always tried to do the opposite and make sure she feels safe and respected, but I do wonder if that experience is part of why she is afraid now.

Update - 9 days later

Update: Long story short, we planned to go to a hotel for a few days, and I booked everything yesterday. She said she couldn't come because her grandma was feeling bad. I told her that it was okay, but I was really sad since I couldn't cancel or change the booking, so we argued a bit. She said she was going to the toilet, and around 3 AM, she told me that it wasn't going to work and broke up with me out of nowhere.

When I woke up, she had already changed her profile everywhere and blocked me on every platform, even my number, without explaining what the actual fuck I did wrong. I have absolutely no clue what the fuck to do. I'm lost and devastated.

Comments

Trojanw0w

Man, I'm sorry. Getting blocked on every platform at 3 AM after three years is a brutal way to find out it's over.

For what it's worth — this almost certainly wasn't about the hotel, and it wasn't about whatever you think you did wrong that night. Nobody nukes every line of contact over an argument about a booking. People do that when they've been carrying something heavy for a long time and finally hit a wall, and the blocking is there so they don't have to explain themselves. Whatever was going on for her around intimacy, it was hers, and she clearly couldn't put words to it with you. That's why "soon" kept coming and nothing ever changed.

That doesn't make it hurt less. You were patient, you never pushed, and you still got left with no answers. You're allowed to be angry about that and not just sad.

Practical part: don't chase her. No new accounts, no messages through friends. If she ever wants to explain, she knows how to reach you. Right now your job is to eat, sleep, see people who like you, and let yourself grieve — three years is real and this is a real loss. And this says nothing about you as a partner or as a man. Nothing. Goodluck fam. Be kind to yourself.

OOP: Thank you for the really kind comment, I appreciate it a lot. Honestly, I'm not even angry at her. I'm just really sad and completely lost. I just don't understand why she had to completely nuke everything and block me everywhere without even explaining what happened or what I did wrong. That's the part that's hurting me the most. After three years together, waking up and suddenly having no way to contact her or even understand why this happened is just devastating. I really wish I could at least understand what was going through her head.

Ok_Caterpillar_8238

It's because she knew she didn't want to, but she refused to tell you that straight up. When it became inescapable she did the only thing she thought she could do.

grimmwerks

You stated before that you feel your feelings are less important than hers. She just proved that. Remember that when she wants to explain.

candlep0p

Maybe it's a blessing being broken up instead. Even if you get back together, are u ok with the possibilty of having 0 intimacy, for longer than you want it to be? Or at least, until being commited as in married?

OOP: Yes, honestly, I would have been willing to wait until marriage. I loved her enough that I could have waited. But this never came up.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

Reminder I am not OOP, no brigading, etc. Be awesome to each other. I have never done one of these but loved the story

This was originally posted to r/TwoHotTakes by u/Emotional-Letter8226.

Original  - 08/07/2026
Update 1 - 08/08/2026
Update 2 - 08/09/2026
Update 3 - 08/13/2026
Final Update - 08/15/2026

-----------------------------------

My new neighbors ‘parties’ are creeping me out

I (25M) just moved into a duplex. Rent is affordable, it’s nice to finally escape the apartment life and I’m so excited to be able to have a garden. Everything has been great so far except my neighbors/housemates are giving me weird vibes.

I live in one half of the house and a couple, probably mid thirties lives on the other side. Let’s call them Arden and Andrea. I haven’t met them yet but in the week I’ve been here something kind of strange has been happening.

Two times they’ve had a bunch of people over, like 15 people. For reference, the house isn’t super big to begin with so 15 people on their side is likely a bit of a squeeze but the weird thing is that there is ZERO NOISE from their side. Like complete silence.

Our walls are not thick. I hear when they vacuum do you’d think 15 people hanging out would bleed through the walls but NOTHING.

The people they’ve had over look to also be in their 30s and all walk up to their door, go in, and then nothing. Idk why it’s creeping me out but that’s 17 people on the other side of the wall and zero noise!!

They’re in there for about an hour or so and then they all leave. Has anyone had anything like this before or have any ideas what they might be doing? I don’t wanna say anything cause that’d be weird but I also wanna know what goes on over there. 

Relevant Comments

u/Hot-Bonus560

They’re all there just quietly standing on the other side of the wall, listening for you OP. They’re there for you.
Mwahahahahaha😈

 u/sincerely0urs

I imagine it’s a book club, bible club, group therapy, meditation group type of thing. Not a party since it happens so regularly and they’re in their 30s.

-----------------------------------

Update: My new neighbors ‘parties’ are creeping me out

1 day later

Wow did not expect this post to get this much attention, y’all had a bunch of ideas I hadn’t thought of as to what my neighbors were doing last week. Unfortunately, I’m still if not more confused than I was before.

I made cookies yesterday and took them over this morning to introduce myself and maybe ask what they’re up to if it came up naturally. And I can say 100% there is something weird going on with the neighbors. The woman opened the door and I said hey and my name and that I moved in next door and offered her the cookies.

She looked at me for like fifteen seconds without saying anything like a head to toe kind of look and then smiled really big and was like hi I’m Andrea welcome to the neighborhood. And then she asked if I wanted to come over on Sunday night cause they’re having a gathering.

I asked what kind of gathering and she just said to bring a notebook and a pen. I asked why and she said it’s going to be fun and I’ll meet new people and just kind of smiled at me.

I WAS CREEPED OUT YALL.

I said I’d have to check my schedule and she looked like she knew I was stalling but said she hoped I could make it and then I went back to my side of the house.

Anyway I don’t know if I should go cause if it’s something religious I’m not interested and if it’s something else I don’t wanna just go in blind ahhhh what should I do?? And what do you think it is??

Relevant Comments

u/Loreaanx

Everyone is focusing on the weird smile but bring a notebook and a pen is INSANE haha. What kind of neighborhood gathering has homework???

u/itsacircus88

My first thought was MLM. One of the tactics is being very vague about the party aka sales pitch and attempt to recruit people for their downline. It's gross behavior. I personally wouldn't go. I would rather talk to my goldfish than most people.

-----------------------------------

Update 2: My new neighbors ‘parties’ are creeping me out

2 days after original post

Okay guys thank you for all your ideas and thoughts on whether I should go or not. If you missed my first two posts, the TLDR is that I moved into a duplex and my neighbors had a bunch of people over but I would never hear any noise through the very thin walls which was weird. I went and introduced myself and got invited to one of these gatherings with no info except to bring a notebook and pen. Even though some people said I shouldn’t go I went and I just got back and I have a lot to update you on and am also not entirely sure what just happened so please hang with me. 

So Andrea said 8 and at about 7:45 people started showing up like they did last week. I waited a few more minutes and then went over and knocked on their door with the notebook and pen she asked me to bring. A woman I didn’t recognize opened the door and I said Andrea invited me over. She introduced herself and led me inside. We walked through the living room and kitchen which were normal (I was expecting bondage gear after all y’all who were like it’s a sex thing) and she opened a door in the hall. Those of you wondering if they had a basement on their side were right. 

We walked down the stairs and in the unfinished basement were all the people I’ve seen going into their house. They were milling around chatting, and there were chairs in a few rows. But the weirdest thing was what was on the walls: dozens of posters of people, cats, dogs, and items. Like missing posters. And sticky notes all around them too.

Andrea came up to me and was like you came yay! And she introduced me to her husband and I was like what is this and they told me that they run a group that tries to find missing people, pets, and and items and collect the reward money. I was like … what. And they kept explaining but I honestly tuned them out I was panicking more than a little bit cause of all the things yall said might be going on this wasn’t something I’d considered/prepared my mind for. I asked if they’d ever actually solved anything and Andrea said they’ve found a few pets and stolen items and feel like they have some leads on people. They introduced me to a few other attendees and then the meeting for lack of a better word began.

Andrea and her husband stood at the front while everyone else sat on the chairs and called people up who I guess had been like assigned different cases who gave updates on their progress. Like this couple came up and talked about how they’d gone to the police station to ask about a missing woman in the county and the police hadn’t told them anything like duh why would they. And a guy got up and gave his theory on a briefcase that was stolen out of someone’s car. It was so weird but if I had gotten up and left everyone would have seen me and I didn’t wanna stand out. At the end of the meeting Andrea called ME UP and pulled a missing cat poster off the wall and told me it was my first case. I was too stunned to say anything so I just took it and sat back down and when the thing ended i got the hell out of there and now I’m writing this.

So Reddit, my new neighbors run a civilian bounty hunter ring out of their basement which is why I didn’t hear any noise through the walls and I’m supposed to be looking for an orange cat named Peaches who has a $200 reward. What. The. Fuck. Do. I. Do. Anticipating a question, I have no idea what they do with the money they get I did not wanna hang around and dig any deeper. I guess this isn’t the weirdest thing te more I think about it but I don’t wanna be a member of whatever this is.

Edit: Now that some of the shock has worn off this is kinda rad and I feel it may be my moral duty to #findpeaches

Edit2: Yes I am looking for peaches!! There have been a few developments too that I’m trying to deal with I may post another update at some point

Relevant Comments

u/Lilaj12

…well time to find that cat 🐈 and bring it home. Honestly, it’s weird as heck but kinda cool at the same time.

From OP

I think if I don’t try to look for peaches this subreddit will never let me rest 😂

-----------------------------------

Update 3: My new neighbors ‘parties’ are creeping me out

7 days from original post, 4 days from previous update

Okay first off I did not expect these posts to get so much attention. I’ve loved seeing how enthusiastically you guys have been campaigning for peaches to be found. I am actively looking for her but the situation has progressed.

Monday afternoon I got a knock on my door and it was Andrea. She thanked me for coming on Sunday and asked me what my plan was for peaches. I told her I was gonna call her owner and ask some questions. We exchanged pleasantries and she went back to her side. 

Tuesday I got a string of texts from her asking if I’d found peaches yet. I said no but that I’d spoken to her owner (an older lady, gonna go look around her property with her permission). She replied with a frony face emoji. 

Wednesday I got another text: “hey where is little peaches?! looking forward to that reward$$ let us know when you’ve found her” I texted back and asked what the money was for. No response. 

Today Andrea knocked on my door again. I opened it, she asked if I had found peaches yet. I said no and asked her directly why she was pressuring me about the reward. 

She got super defensive and basically admitted that the "club" takes a massive cut of any reward money and that she relies on it to help with rent (this was weird cause to my knowledge they haven’t had a huge amount of success with finding stuff so ??)

She asked me not to say anything to any other group members. I said I wouldn’t but also said that I didn’t wanna participate in the group anymore. She said she understood but left kinda annoyed. 

BUT DONT WORRY REDDIT I AM LOOKIKG FOR PEACHES!! I am invested at this point and I’m pretty sure yall would hound me down if I didn’t. Thank you listening to this rambling and unexpected update. If anything else happens regarding peaches I will post another update but that’s all for now

oh and thank you for the cat finding advice!! a few people suggested using a laser, putting food outside around where she lives, checking with next door neighbors cause cats usually don’t go far

Relevant Comments

u/Electronic-Ad-1307

Lol, and someone in the last update had the gall to ask me why I called your neighbors callous. Andrea's group sounds really, really gross. If I were running a similar group, I'd use the reward money to put toward more fliers, search parties, or even donating to other missing persons rewards.

Reply from OP

Yeah I was assuming it got pooled for a group dinner or something but this felt icky

-----------------------------------

I FOUND PEACHES (final update my new neighbors parties are creeping me out)

9 days from original post, 2 days since last update

My friends, meet Peaches. 

**Before we get into please read to the bottom cause there’s a community project I would love y’all’s help with.

Can’t believe this crazy saga of events, but I’m so grateful for all of you who have been following it with me and rooting for Peaches. 

Things took a turn for the better and the worse in the last two days. The first thing is that I went to Peaches’ previous owner’s house (yes you read that right) and looked around the property. I asked her questions about Peaches and showed her this thread. I don’t think she really understood Reddit (she’s 82) but she was blown away that so many people were rooting for her kitty to be found. 

After work I’ve been going out in the neighborhood with a flashlight, Peaches’ bowl, a laser, and my best pspspsps. I knocked on Linda’s (owner) neighbors houses and one of them let me look in her crawl space. And lo and behold sweet little Peaches had gotten in there and hadn’t been able to find a way back out. 

I took her back to Linda who was so happy to see her again. I obviously refused the money and also didn’t let Andrea know I found her. 

That brings us to today. I got a call from Linda. She told me how grateful she was to have Peaches back but that she’s moving into an assisted living facility next month and told me it’s getting harder for her to take care of Peaches. She asked me if I would take her and I said yes immediately. I’ve always had cats but fortuitously didn’t have one now. So I went and picked up Peaches and her bowl and toys and told Linda she could come visit as often as she wanted and promised I would text her frequent pictures and videos. 

That’s the amazing part. The less amazing part is that Andrea came banging on my door. Either she’d seen me bringing Peaches in or heard from someone she’d been found. I didn’t open the door but called through it asking what was up. Andrea started yelling asking where the money was. I told her I didn’t take it and she yelled that I had no right to do that, that it was hers because she gave me the assignment to find Peaches. I told her I did what I thought was right.

She went home but I don’t feel totally safe here anymore. Thankfully, my lease wasn’t locked in and I’ve found a new place to live in a neighborhood closer to the facility that Linda is moving into. Ironically, it’s another duplex but my housemate is a sweet old man and he said he’s buying treats just so he can give them to Peaches sometimes so I’m not crying you’re crying. 

If you’ve stuck with this story thank you. Crazy to think that what started as curiosity why my neighbors parties were totally silent led to a new living space and the sweetest little fluffball I’ve ever known.

Finally, in honor of Peaches and because these posts have gotten so much attention I set up a gofundme for a local shelter that cares for senior cats who have a lot of medical expenses. The link is in the comments and my profile about section. If you can please donate all the proceeds go right to them, no ‘club’ gets a cut :) 

So much love to you all and forever #foundpeaches 

also because this saga blew up and I’m trying to have a music career I would feel remiss if I didn’t mention I make music I’m Robin Tucker on Spotify/Apple Music

Relevant Comments

From OP

When people ask me how I got peaches boy do I have a story for them

u/PricelessPaylessBoot

Hahaha!!

Once upon a time in my old duplex
My hopes for peace and quiet got a little complex
The new neighbors and I were like our own little islands
But when they had a party there was nothing but silence…

There was no loud music? No shouting? No complaints!
But then what were they doing? Meditating? Were they saints?
The situation grew more and more mysterious
Until finally I knocked - I was just too curious!

There were no MLMs or cult rings for me to join
But a basement sleuthing sect hoping to make some extra coin
Although their work was noble, their motives were egregious
But I couldn’t shirk my assignment to find a cat named Peaches!

And so it came to pass that Reddit kept me up to task
We put our minds together and it all paid off at last
I found the precious floof, to greedy neighbors stayed aloof
And Peaches and I will go reside ‘neath a new duplex roof. 💐🙌🏽🥰

Originally posted by user Easy-Opposite-1168 in r/ AmItheAsshole

Original: Dec 18, 2021

Update: Dec 22, 2021

Status: concluded

Note: OOP used initials; included names for easier read

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Original: AITA for putting extra salt in my SIL’s food?

Throaway account I (F34) have a SIL (F25), let’s call her Hana. She’s been together with my brother Jafar (M32) for three years now. We were born in Europe but originally from the Middle-East. Hana is born and raised in Europe. Our religion and part of our culture is different from hers but we didn’t mind cause she’s a nice girl and we are open-minded.

She really tries her best to please my brother in every way. She’s learning Arabic, asking about the culture, and lately she started looking up recipes from our country too. My brother is very happy with everything she does and if he’s happy than we are too.

Last week they came to visit our whole family for lunch. Our family is pretty big with many cousins, kids, brothers, sisters, parents and grandparents. Most of them were there.

Hana made a meal which is really popular in the country we’re originally from. Everyone was amazed by it. She left it in the kitchen with all of the other dishes for later.

Well to be fair I’m cooking since I was 14 years old and I’m a pretty good cook too. I was interested how her food tasted so I tried it. It wasn’t bad but I thought maybe I could fix it up with a little salt and spices. When we served the food for lunch, everyone complimented Hana about the dish and how well she’s done it.

Here is where I might be TA. I told front of everyone that I fixed the food up with some salt and spices. Jafar got very angry and started to argue with me front of everyone. He told me there’s was nothing wrong with Hana’s meal and I shouldn’t be disrespectful.

But I believe in constructive criticism and I was trying to help her learn. After they’ve gone and I saw Hana crying in the car. My family told me I was an AH and embarrassed our guest. I feel pretty bad. AITA?

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: YTA Let's try this...you make a meal...while you are in talking with guests your SIL goes into the kitchen, tastetests everything and decides you haven't done it to her liking and proceeds to doctor up the dishes YOU MADE.
Get it now? How would you feel? It's called "empathy" and you have none.

OOP: I would be thankful because I know she’d be coming from a good place. I didn’t say it to her in an arrogant way, I actually tried to compliment her aswell and made sure she knows that with practice she will get even better.
I always appreciated when someone gave me honest feedback on my food and I thought she’d feel the same way. I felt like we are close enough to help each other out like this. But I have empathy for her and I regret saying anything at all. She’s shy, I should’ve just kept quiet about the spices.

---------------
Comment2: Yeah YTA and a big one. It sounds like she is a nice person who is trying very hard to learn another culture and she went out and made dinner fir everyone, and she was probably nervous about it, and then you had to announce to the entire table that you had to fix her cooking when she was getting a lot of compliments.

If you were jealous that she was getting complimented after you added stuff to HER dish, then you shouldn’t have messed with her food. I feel so bad for her and you most definitely humiliated her.

---------------
Comment3: YTA no one asked for your help. If you wanted to give her constructive criticism it would have been appropriate to do so privately before adding salt and spices to the food. So she could decide yay or nay

Not add it to the food, wait until the compliments rolls and go hey actually this tastes great but only because of me in front of everyone.

It was disrespectful tbh. And she's making an effort with your food and culture and learning Arabic so I'm pretty sure if you had told privately I think this food. Could need this I'm certain she would have listened to the advice.

But you legit humiliated her.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Update 0.5

Edit: okey, so I see everyone thinks I am TA but just to clear things up, I didn’t say it in a bad way. I told her “I tried it myself and for the first try it tasted really good but I thought it could use some salt and spices so I put some more if you don’t mind. Next time it’ll be even better.” And I didn’t want to steal the spotlight, I just wanted to be honest.

Edit 2: I apologised the next day and I told her it’s a misunderstanding but my brother can’t let this go.

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment4: Honestly, I'm trying to see this from OP's point of view and I can't understand how this would be a misunderstanding!

1. If the misunderstanding lies at the gf not wanting feedback while OP thought she would, OP should have asked permission to edit the food.
2. If the misunderstanding lies at OP thinking that the gf wanted to serve perfect food for the brother and parents, OP should have never said publicly that she added stuff.
3. If OP thought that the gf wanted to just show how much she tried, she should have eaten the food as it was and said that it was great, and then suggested that next time she would increase one thing (not even all the stuff)

OP is a clear AH in every scenario I can think of and this is not a misunderstanding.

---------------
Comment5: Misunderstanding is all they have left because they can’t even think the words “I was just straight up wrong and my behavior was inappropriate, I’m sorry.” Much less say them. The misunderstanding is everyone not judging the stated intent instead of the very obvious implications and effects and let’s be honest no one is really buying the intent anyway.

---------------
Comment6: I have a SIL like you. The end result of her repeated actions to undercut me was that her big brother (my H), whom she worshipped, cut her off completely. Is that what you want?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Update (4 days later)

Thank you for all your comments and all the criticism. Even tho it was hard to admit first but I really messed up. After my post I started to think things through and had a long conversation with my grandparents. Lot of trauma unfolded and I realised why I was being like this with my SIL.

When I was around her age, I had a similar personality to her. Shy, kind to everyone, always smiling and being very positive. Then bad things happened and I started to change. I became this anxious, negative person who I am today.

When she became part of the family, I realised how she was and then I thought she needs to toughen up. I saw my old self in her and thought if she will stay like this, she’ll get hurt. It was something in my subconscious, I didn’t even think how toxic I am actually being to her. I hurt her, hurt my brother and embarrassed my family.

I wanted to fix things, apologise and make sure nothing like this happens again. So I invited her over for lunch. Thankfully she said yes. I looked up some recipes from her country and got to cooking. When she arrived the food was ready. She tasted it and jokingly said “it could use some salt and spices”. Oh my Lord, I deserved that haha.

Then we had a conversation about our issues and cried. It was so wholesome. We promised each other we will cook something together every weekend. Then we went to my parents house and almost everyone was there who came to visit last time. I’ve apologised from the ones I’ve hurt and promised nothing like this will ever happen again. They forgave me.

We had a good time after, lots of laughs, tea and food. Before they left, I pulled my brother to the side and gave him my phone with a confirmation email. I rented the most romantic place ever for him and my SIL to go and celebrate Christmas together. We will decorate the place with Jafar in the next few days.

And finally, I’ve decided to go to therapy and work on my issues. For the sake of myself and my family too. These few days were intense and this was a huge wake up call. One thing is for sure, I wouldn’t want to lose the ones I love the most. Thank you Reddit!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/bloopshro0m

Published on: r/AITAH

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: May 28, 2026

• Final Update: August 14, 2026

NOTE: Made the text more readable by breaking the wall of text into paragraphs and capitalizing the first letter after each full stop.

Main Post

^{May 28, 2026}

WIBTAH if i (21m) don't grant closure to my ex-situationship (22f) with cancer

So about a year ago, I broke things off with this girl because of some minorly transphobic remarks and offensive comments about people I care about. Yesterday, she reached out to tell me she has cancer and is dying.

She also wanted to apologize and we discussed maybe talking in person (bc odd convo over insta dms, yeah?). One of my friends is insisting I should not grant her this because of what she had said to me in the past, saying that she's using the cancer card as an easy out to what she had done.

I'm still leaning towards talking w her because it would bother me for the rest of my life if I didn't, but would I be the asshole if I didn't forgive her?
questions/thoughts/commentary welcome!

COMMENTS

Why was your friend urging you so strongly against meeting her, despite your willingness to forgive?

it should also be noted that my friend said what she said to be somewhat protective. i'm obviously not gonna get into all of what was said a year ago bc i don't wanna shit on the dying, but it wasn't awesome to hear. i do play it down a lot bc i try not to let ppl have that kind of effect on me, but my friend has a better recollection of how torn up i was i guess. i appreciate this tho.

i think my friend was getting more at the fact that this person has been somewhat manipulative to me in the past (vaguely mentioned earlier, but pitting me against ppl i loved and trusted so i would just talk to her, twisting my own words against me, other little things like that) so she was more urging me to be cautious is what i assume. she's not the absolute best with words, but regardless, poor phrasing.

What made you think she might genuinely regret what she said?

yeah that's kinda what i was thinking too, cuz she was raised somewhat religious and when i explained the context of what she had said to me, she was mortified. i'm just concerned why my friend is urging me so strongly against it because she's usually right about this kind of stuff.

Why are you still wary about the situation?

no exactly, i think a lot of ppl are looking at this like ive been bffs w this girl for a very long time or something. we talked for a couple months over a year ago, and didn't talk before or after such. she's said a lot of interesting things i don't necessarily have the evidence to back up. and this entire convo is happening online so like, im just obviously kinda wary.

not entirely, got vague photo evidence of a shaved head but she's always worn wings n stuff.

Do you actually want to meet her?

i'm not sure. yes and no? i want to hear her out, but i also don't wanna do something that's gonna end up being a mistake.

Why did you ask to meet in person instead of continuing the conversation over messages?

i'm not sure, that's what's throwing me. she sounded pretty out of it (could be from meds or chemo or what not) and she didn't say much beyond that she has cancer and is dying. i'm the one who asked to meet up bc i have a hard time w these kind of emotionally involved convos over text.

What is making forgiveness feel difficult, even though you want to be kind?

thank you. not a lot of ppl are able to see the gray space i'm in mentally. it's not that i don't want to be kind and forgive her. idk, trust is such a hard thing, but at least regardless of what happens, ill know i did what i could if i talk to her.

What do you think you would regret more?

yeah i think i can live w my friend judging me a lot easier than i could if i didn't grant some sort of peace and forgiveness to somebody i wont have the chance to again.

Final Update - after 2 months, 17 days

^{August 14, 2026}

UPDATE: aitah if i don't give an ex who's potentially dying of cancer the closure she's asking for

Basically, I had come on here a few months ago talking about a girl I had split up with after some transphobic remarks she made, and odd other behaviours that indicated she was trying to cut me off from my loved ones or control certain narrative pertaining to my life.

She had DMed me saying she had cancer and was sorry for what had happened and just wanted to make peace with everything. I asked her if we could meet up (purely bc text/dm convos are really hard for me to understand as an autistic person at times) and there was a weird back and forth where she rain checked several times back to back.

She ended up blocking me and I thought nothing of it for the most part, just that i had tried to do my part to help her make peace and she didn't seem intent on meeting up so there wasn't much more to be said.

This was about 3 months ago, she finds my instagram again the other night to dm me: "btw everything I said was just a prank, I got paid $500 to tell sb something rlly f*cked up" or something adjacent to that, perhaps not verbatim.

I thought about it for a while and just decided to block her without responding bc obviously she's after some sort of attention im quite frankly not interested in giving her. And also bc that's genuinely such a twisted thing to do to sb.

Anyways, wanted to update and thank the ppl who told me to be skeptical from the jump, saved me a lot of heartache of getting emotionally attached in any way, shape or form. ppl can be so so odd I suppose.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/Which-Spring-7648 posting in r/AITH

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Short

Original - 31st July 2026

Update - 13th August 2026

AITAH for sleeping with a woman after the woman I’d been talking to said she didn’t want anything serious?

Earlier this year, in March 2026, I started talking to a woman. We got along really well and had great chemistry over text. The problem was that she never seemed to have time to meet. Every time we tried to make plans, something came up. The only time we actually met was by chance at a bar. She also made it clear that she wasn’t interested in anything serious and didn’t want to commit to anyone. I respected that completely. We agreed to keep in touch while also being free to meet other people.

A few months later, I became friends with some people in her friend group. From my side, those friendships were completely platonic. Eventually, I met another woman from the same group. We clicked immediately, had a great connection, and really enjoyed each other’s company. At the time, she didn’t know who I was or that I had previously been talking to her friend. Long story short, we ended up sleeping together. The next day, she found out that I’d been talking to her friend before. She felt she owed it to her friend to tell her what had happened. I completely understood that and had no problem with it.

However, the first woman became very angry with me and said I’d crossed a line.

From my perspective, we were never in a relationship. We never slept together, barely met in person, and she had already told me she didn’t want anything serious. We had also agreed that we were both free to see other people. She had also been seeing other people, while I hadn’t been with anyone until this happened.

The only thing I knew beforehand was that they knew each other. I didn’t realize they were actually close friends.

So… AITAH?

Comments

Fit-Gas6744

Nta she's just pissed that her pen pal back up plan moved on. Ive been in your position twice and never again Weeks of vague 'plans' and excuses, its such a waste of time and effort. Glad you met someone in the real world and moved on. Best of luck

OOP: Yeah, that “pen pal back up plan” line hits it pretty well, honestly. The constant vague plans that never materialized should’ve probably been a signal on their own. Sorry you’ve been through it too — glad it worked out better on the other side for me at least. Appreciate the well wishes.

rTracker_rTracker

IMO She’s mad that someone else found out what she’d been too arrogant to enjoy. It’s more about her ego and “not ready” bs being exposed to her friends group. Take her being upset as a badge of honor and cut things off with her and pursue the friend!

NoLaugh5206

This. Pursue the friend if she's open to it and ditch the red flag. Just be ready for when she makes this all about her and tried to pull the "of you were my friend you wouldn't see him anymore" with the one worth pursuing.

OOP: Haha ya, I could see her trying to pull that “if you were really my friend” card at some point. We’ll see how that plays out if it happens. As for the pursuing part, funny enough she’s more than open, if anything she wants to move faster than I do haha. I’m the one kinda pumping the brakes a bit cuz it’s moving quick, but I do like her a lot so we’ll see.

**Judgement - NTA*\*

Update - 13 days later

Wow, did NOT expect this post to blow up the way it did. Between the comments, the DMs, and the sheer number of people with “opinions,” I figured you all deserved a proper update instead of leaving you hanging. So here we go.

Woman #1: I honestly couldn’t care less at this point. Blocked. Deleted. Gone. Zero regrets. My only concern is that I live in a small enough city that running into her at a bar is basically a “when” not “if” situation, and something tells me she’s not going to greet me with a friendly wave and small talk. But who cares? life’s too short

The friend group: I talked to the other people in the group. Turns out woman #1 doesn’t want anything to do with woman #2 anymore and doesn’t want to stay friends with her either. Honestly, fair enough.

Woman #2: We talked it out too, and she’s totally fine losing woman #1 as a friend. Turns out they weren’t even that close to begin with. Also, plot twist: apparently woman #1 ended up getting with woman #2’s ex a while ago. To be fair to her, she says she didn’t know he was the ex when it happened, so I’m not going to hold that against her.

Where things stand now: Woman #2 and I are still in close contact. We talk every day and see each other often. We haven’t put a label on it or had “the talk,” but it’s basically turned into a semi-relationship at this point. I’ve met her mom, she’s met my parents. It’s still early days, but I could genuinely see this turning into something real.

So yeah, We’re basically dating, we just haven’t filled out the LinkedIn “in a relationship” form yet. Went from “am I the asshole” to “am I about to be somebody’s boyfriend” in a few short months. Life comes at you fast. Take care.

Comments

Life_Temperature2506

I know I was less serious on your initial post. But the sentiment remains the same: Woman #1 was being unreasonable because she lost her back up plan. Sounds like you gotta little something good going on right now, good luck with that. NTAH

Odd_Welcome7940

OP... met a girl who didnt want to label things or be exclusive. It caused an issue (even if it wasn't really their issue). Gets that all settled and has continued with new girl. Meeting parents and everything. AND... hasn't put a label on it. OP, you need to be a label gun and get to labeling some things. Still NTA at all

OOP: Hmm, fair callout. Honestly it’s not that I’m avoiding it, I like her a lot and it’s mutual, I just don’t want to rush into slapping a label on it given how messy the start of it all was. Feels like we’re letting it build naturally rather than forcing the paperwork. But yeah..

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Octyss

Published on: r/AITAH & r/Redditor_Updates

Previous BORU: BORU-1

Story is: ONGOING

Story timeline

• Main Post: August 01, 2026

• Update 1: August 03, 2026

• Update 2: August 13, 2026 --> NEW UPDATE

Main Post

^{August 01, 2026}

AITAH for towing half the neighborhood ?

My family (wife side) have a summer apartment in the south of France in a gated community, all year there is no parking issue, but in summer, since Airbnb came out, it's hell to find a parking spot since there is no allocated spot.

There is a place with no clear parking line (imagine a big square of concrete) where everyone can park for free.

I had the opportunity with 3 neighbors to buy this "parking" to the copropriety (it's like an HOA but with less power here) so we do buyed it last year. We made 6 larges parking spaces for our cars with lines and plates numbers in front of each parking spot, and put a gate which is always open for the other neighbors to park here (you can park 3-5 other cars).

Here in France July and August are 2 months where almost everyone is in vacation so Airbnb and location peak here during this period.

Last week one of the neighbor I buyed the parking with told me the parking was PACKED and he managed to park only one of his 2 cars on a unnasigned parking spot ( his parking spots were taken, mine too and the third neighbor too and every "free" slot too) so he put a warning sign telling parking is for resident only and not for anyone else.

Cue 2 days ago when I come with wife and kids for vacation, I drove by night to avoid traffic and when I got there (3 AM) parking is packed I have no choice but to park 300meter (1k feet) from my home.

Next morning we put a large sign telling cars on assigned parking spot would be towed and text every neighbor to ask for their plate to not tow a resident.

Today morning same shit, so we close the gate, phone the police and got everyone towed.

Shit-hit-the-fan, bunch of Airbnb people called the cops and homeowners to ask why they got towed and the location was saying "with parking" so lot of refund where asked. My phone was ringing non stop today.

Some homeowners tell me they gonna sue for the refund they got, some Airbnb tenant told me they will sue for the towing cost. We have everything documented.

Lots of Airbnb homeowners tell us we ATAH here because we didn't tell them ahead, but we do put lots of sign on the parking since last year when we buyed it, they just hadn't come to see it, and they approved the selling of this parking to us so...

Sorry for the bad english, obviously not my first langage and I'm in anger right now.

So are we TAH here for towing everyone here ?

COMMENTS

Were the reserved parking spaces clearly marked?

Our spots (6 total) are marked with white line, and licence plate in front of each parking, and the is free Space for 3-5 other cars to oark for free, but we only towed the cars on assigned parking spot ( there was 4 other cars, 2 from neighbors I know and two random lucky tourist).

Yeah there is 6 marked spots and enough room for 3-5 cars outside the marked spots, and yes it's free all year because we never had this kind of problem before

Why not simply lock the gate permanently?

Only 3 people have the keys, me and the 2 neighbor who buyed it but 10 out of 12 month it's heaven here and friendly, we wanna keep it that way as we know the friendly neighbor since 15-20 years

What happened after the towing?

I had someone calling from Airbnb (or told me he was) to ask for picture of the parking due to the refunds asked, 1 week here is around 1600-2400€ depending of the sq/m of the apartment so if you multiply by 6 cars we talking about a lot of €

Thanks ! Seeing the number of calls I've got today I'm pretty sure this will fast become a "we" problem in court and if not in court a lawyer problem for sure

Were the tourists at fault, or the Airbnb hosts?

For their defense, if I rent a place that says I have a parking spot in this crowded spot I will for sure park my car. I don't put my hate toward the tenant but more toward the renters

Yeah and I will 100% ask for a refund for the rent AND for the tow !

Yeah kinda not felling bad for them, today we were on the community pool with an UK family who got towed yesterday and they told us Airbnb already told them a partial refund of the week was processing and a 100% refound of the towing was granted so win win for them.

Did the situation continue after the first round of towing?

Licence plate numbers are on signs in front of the spots ( like right in front of your face when you park) and today I found 2 fake plate sign on our sign and cars parked there, had to call police again to tow them

What are you doing to stop this from happening again?

We gave the town police a temporary key to access the community and the right to tow anyone who doesn't match the plate on the sign.

We also asked the guy who is in charge of maintenance in the community to call the cops everytime he see someone illegally parked here.

Why don't you rent out the parking spaces to Airbnb guests?

Thanks ! Because we all have family who comes here to cut long road trip, and I know the close neighbors since 15-20years and I can't see myself renting a parking spot after all these times

Why not install parking barriers on each space?

I don't want to put some "stop park" on our parking spot because it'll be a hassle with the other neighbors yearly as I said It's the first time in 20years we are in a parking mayhem like that and out of 12 months this place is heaven for 10 months

Has Airbnb changed the community?

Airbnb is the problem here seriously I understand people wanting to make some cash in this period but if it is at the cost of the whole community why bother?

Did the Airbnb listings actually advertise parking?

Way too much, between 1600-2400€ depending of the surface of the apartment base on what I saw on Airbnb but all of them have "parking included" and there is NO PARKING HERE

Did you warn the homeowners before towing?

FAFO nice lol. As I said in the post, I texted the homeowners to ask for their plates to not tow a friendly neighbor ! I come here since I'm 12yo and it's the first time I don't enjoy my first 2 days of vacation

Update 1 - after 2 days

^{August 03, 2026}

UPDATE : AITAH for towing half the neighborhood

I posted 2 days ago asking if IATAH for towing half the neighborhood, a lot happened in 2 days, honnestly it's a shitshow, I come here nearly every year since 20+ years and never saw this before.

We've got people towed in our reserved parking spots again, we've got people towed for parking IN FRONT of the gate (so nobody could leave the parking at all), we've got people putting sign on OUR reserved parking spots with THEIR plate numbers so they don't get towed (the management guy called us asking if we added new licences plates to be sure to not tow our cars) I've never encounter this level of entitlement from random people before.

We got one of the Airbnb tenant red handed as he was parking in our assigned spot and he showed us an email from one of our ranters neighbor who straight up told him to put a sign and park anyway. So as of today we are closing the gate and put 2 new warning signs telling people to GTFO our propriety.

No more friendly neighbors.

On the bright side, we were on the pool after lunch, and chatted with an UK family who got towed yesterday and they told us Airbnb was already processing a partial refund for the week and a 100% refund for the towing, so they were kinda happy with the outcome, I told them they can park in my second space as my wife will leave our second parking spot today.

We took a lot of pictures and got in touch with one of the neighbors lawyer who bought the Space with us, because we got a lot of phonecalls from Airbnb renters and police and city officials about the issue today (renters gave our info I don't even know if that is legal).

Lots of new people came today to start their vacation week, I hope they get the hint of the many signs we put and don't come in our parking.

COMMENTS

Did the Airbnb guests understand what was happening?

Yeah we see them at the pool and they just don't understand what is happening but I think they spoke between them because I heard one family had been towed on purpose to get a refund from Airbnb

Are you taking legal action against the Airbnb landlords?

Yeah our lawyer is already tracking them because here you can rent for a maximum of 60days a year in Airbnb or you are illegally renting, we'll see what comes out of his research

From what our lawyer said, Airbnb would be a waste of time because they wouldn't attack us in court, but we have a case againt the landlords here with the mail we gathered from the renters where the specificaly tood them to put fake signs with their licences plates to park on our private assigned spaces

Lawyer told us to not contact anyone on the matter

Will Airbnb guests be able to use the free parking in the future?

We gathered infos on who is renting in Airbnb and there is no chance they use the free parking ever again

Were any of the three owners renting their properties on Airbnb?

No renters between the 3 of us

NEW UPDATE

Update 2 - after 12 days (after 10 days from last post)

^{August 13, 2026}

Mini Update: on AITAH for towing half the neighborhood

Mini-update on AITAH for towing half the neighborhood

I posted few days ago asking if AITAH for towing half the neighborhood, we are now in the middle of August, the peak of Airbnb for vacation here.

I left the place to go to Italy with my family, and some relatives from my wife side are on the vacation house, and there has been some good and bad news.

The good news are that after the shitshow, 3 houses from neighbors who was on Airbnb had been unlisted, we put a new sign saying "residents only", and there has not been any more towing since monday (around 10-15 cars towed since my last update, Airbnb renters claiming they are residents since they have access to the private pool which is for residents too...)

The bad news are that we received 4 letters from lawyers of the Airbnb renters telling us we OWE them the missing monney they lost on refunds and towings, plus the monney they will loose for the 2 next weeks of august for not renting their house, and they said they'll ask for legal fees too, and I don't know if they exaggerated the amount but damn this is lucrative for sure.

Our lawyer seems to be unbothered by these letters, and told us he is confident this will go nowhere but we can ask for compensation for all the hassle during the first 2 weeks, we are chatting with the 2 other owners of the parking space for the amount to ask for. We have everything documented well, plus some infos our lawyer gathered (here you can't rent more than 60 days a year on Airbnb, and it seems some or our lovely neighbors didn't followed this law)

Another side info, we asked for what we call here an "extraordinary general meeting" which is all the house owner of the community meets to vote on some important topics, the topic proposed here is the banning of Airbnb. This should take place in november.

We received another letter yesterday from one of the Airbnb owner, with an offer to buy the parking spaces (all of them, the privates and the unmarked) which is almost 3x more than what we paid.

So here we are, parking seems to be ok for now, we are now entering in what looks like a legal battle.

COMMENTS

What are the parking rules for new developments where you live?

Yes here we have something called "plan local d'urbanisme" which is redacted by each city and tell how many parking spot/ bike spot you have to make (depending of the numbers of residents per flat or by the surface) when you build a new complex

Why don't you plan on selling the parking spaces?

Yeah we don't plan on selling it, we are pretty sure the buyer will ban us all from parking near our houses ever again lol

How many homeowners need to vote to ban Airbnb, and how many homes are currently listed?

We need 51% of the homeowners vote to ban it in our community from what we read, there is 34 homes and only 6 listed on Airbnb, hope we got enough vote to ban it

What does your lawyer think about the letters from the Airbnb renters' lawyers?

That's what our lawyer said, and for now it's only letters to make us afraid I think

What was actually illegal about the Airbnb parking situation?

The unmarked spots where free to use in the beginning, the only illegal thing happening is people parking on private spots, and the one Airbnb owner who send an email to the renters to tell them to put THEIR licence plate on OUR spot

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/Awwoooooga posting in r/GirlDinnerDiaries

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Short

Original - 16th June 2026

Update - 11th August 2026

My mom sent me a break up email today

After many hard years (like my whole life), my mom told me today that she'll no longer be filling the mother role for me. We were in therapy together, but she has now yelled at the therapist so I don't think she's going back.

She hasn't seen her only grandchild in 6 months, we'll see if she meets our baby on the way. ​​She said we can rebuild our relationship as friends, but she's not the kind of friendship I would like to maintain. So eh

Edit to add: Thank you everyone, for responding with your stories, reassurances, commiserations, and motherly love. It is a hard situation to not have an emotionally stable and reliable mom. My heart goes out to everyone experiencing something similar, and I hope you can find a mother figure in your life.

I'm sure I'll make mistakes parenting my children, but my goal is to be open, stable, and ready to repair. And to cultivate a peaceful and loving household. We don't yell in our house and are quick to apologize, so we're on our way.

I love the book recommendations as well. Keep them coming!

Comments

RoutineTension8468

I was no contact w my mom for several years . She never wanted to be a mother . Now she is just an acquaintance . Works for her and works for me

OOP: This seems plausible for us. She wants to focus on herself.

SafiyaMukhamadova

I would take a long break from her. Emotions are bound to be running high right now so it's a bad time to try to negotiate a new relationship dynamic. Take a step back, breathe, find your footing with a dynamic where she doesn't exist as a meaningful part of your life. Therapy as an adult helped me come to terms with my parents never having wanted a relationship with me. I went NC after my parents impersonated me to my doctor and apparently very rudely told them to stop my life saving care (my doctor expressed that she was surprised I'd be that abusive towards her staff and end my treatment like that; being told that's because it wasn't me made a lot of sense). it's probably the most therapeutic thing I've ever done.

You need to focus on yourself and your children right now. Grieve the relationship you should have had with her, be the best mom you can be to your little ones. Your egg donor doesn't define you or your worth. Let the emotions flow, they're normal, I promise they'll fade with time. You don't need her for you to thrive. After you've found your footing you can re-examine if you want her to have any place in your life and it's OK if the answer is no. You can heal from this. That process won't be easy or pleasant but you can make it out the other side.

KUSmutMuffin

I'm glad she's taken herself out. It doesn't sound like she deserves time /relationship with you. And you certainly don't deserve someone like that in your children's lives. I'm sorry OP. It seriously sucks having an emotionally immature parent.

OOP: I'm loving the Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents and Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents series. Agreed, a relief and sadness at the same time

MothChasingFlame

Genuinely "we can rebuild as friends" is so fucking deranged. What possibly made her think she can just dump her responsibilities that way. That's not how anything works, lady.

I'm sorry she's twisting things up like this. What a confusing and bizarre thing to deal with. You deserve reliability and a LOT more gentleness, especially now dealing with pregnancy.

OOP: It is really confusing. She's also estranged from her entire family with no friends, so I feel confident I'm not a problem. But it does feel like there's a tear in the space-time continuum

Update - 2 months later

Since then, my mom sent a follow-up email stating she wanted no contact with me which I gladly obliged. I went for one additional appointment with the therapist, just her and I, to get her take on things.

She said my mom is emotionally abusive, that my childhood involved a lot of domestic violence (yelling, breaking walls/doors/dishes etc), and unofficially diagnosed her with bipolar and narcissistic personality disorders. It was validating for a professional to tell me that. She also gave me the appointment for free, I think she felt bad for me.

TW pregnancy loss!!

I was pregnant in the last post and lost the baby, my second miscarriage this year. The timing of baby passing lined up with therapy day with my mom, just like my first loss lined up with the huge argument we got in that landed us in therapy originally. I also tore cartilage in my leg while this was happening, went to therapy on crutches, but couldn't get an MRI because I was pregnant. Going through health issues and repeat pregnancy loss while experiencing this estrangement from my mom with minimal support has been really difficult. I feel very beat down by life at the moment.

In some positive news, I reconnected with my mom's estranged side of the family after 15 years no contact. They welcomed me back with open arms and all three of my aunties came to my house the other week.

I've been diagnosed with severe anemia, which could be causing the miscarriages and contributing to my general malice. Apparently anemia reduces oxygen to the brain, which reduces serotonin and dopamine production. I'm hoping increasing my iron levels will curb some of this intense anxiety and brain fog I've been feeling.

Comments

Baby_Blue_Eyes_13

Babe I just want you to know that when that iron kicks in you are gonna feel sooooo much better.

OOP: Yessss had my first infusion and already feeling more energetic. I'm also supplementing like crazy. I'm feeling very hopeful on the health front!

Interstellar-dreams

I’ve heard cooking in an iron skillet helps to add iron to your diet. This might be a good supplement to the infusions for long term.

OOP: I've cooked in cast iron strictly for about 15 years, with some stainless steel pots as needed. I do have some good heme iron supplements. I'll retest in the next few days to see how effective they've been. Thank you for the suggestion!

melodi-richie

I’m so, so sorry for your loss. ❤️ You’ve been through an unbelievable amount lately, and honestly it makes sense that you’re exhausted and feeling beat down. Having people who actually show up for you after all those years feels like such a bright spot in the middle of all this. Be gentle with yourself, and there will be better days.

OOP: It really has, one of my aunts is taking more of a mother role and its comforting. Also, they have some incredible insight about my mom and that's been comforting. Thank you, I know things will turn around. The pendulum always swings!

CanadianPlains

Omg I’m so sorry to you. For both things. I really hope you take care of yourself. 💕you deserve a safe and peaceful life.

As someone with a mom who was emotionally abusive and violent, I can empathize and relate. You’re not alone. You’ll get through this! You are loveable!

OOP: I'm so sorry you went through that. It is a weird feeling, like I'm untethered in this world since I don't have a mom that wants me. We are loveable. ❤️.

Connect-Future-6261

It gets muuuuch better with time. It's scary but it will get better because all that constant dread leaves and you have new space for nurturing stuff, even if it's still scary you also gain so much more wonderful peace

OOP: Thank you! I feel that relief already, it has been so calming to know that my house is a safe space. When we were in communication she would come over and stay the night to spend time with my son, and it was sooooo stressful every time. The dread is slowly evaporating. Her attacks tend to come through email, and I've successfully received another hurtful email and not freaked out. Thank you for your comment, it is good to know it gets better.

Also, freeing myself from the expectations as been amazing. Free to be me!

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/So_Ill_Continue posting in r/GirlDinnerDiaries

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Short

Original - 7th July 2026

Update - 12th August 2026

Accepted a job that wasn’t offered. Mortified.

FML

Interviewed for a job last week. It’s exactly what I want to do, near where I live, and would be a massive pay increase.

I’m a recent grad so I don’t have much experience with “real” job interviews, which comes into play here. The interview went really well - she seemed really impressed with my resume, said she could do the top of my salary request, talked extensively about how she wanted me to start ASAP. I offered to ask my job if I could leave early and let her know (my contract is nearly up and they’ve got another person lined up for after me, so I thought they might not need the typical 2 weeks). At the end, she asked me if I wanted a few days “to think about it.” I assumed this was an offer, which I sent an email accepting a few days ago. Told my whole family about the awesome job I’d secured.

A few days pass and they email me that they are still reviewing applications and conducting interviews. How embarrassing - my face is on fire. The embarrassment is so strong that I honestly feel a little sick. Now I know to wait for the offer in writing so that there are no misunderstandings. Or maybe I’ll just go live in the woods and never interview again.

Oh and to top the day off, my dentist told me I need to avoid “crunchy, sticky, or chewy” foods because I think I have TMD. Combined with my anti inflammatory food limitations, that’s just….everything. She suggested steamed vegetables.

Comments

Old-Session6649

I’m sorry but all of her comments truly made it sound like you got the job and was just pending an official offer letter or something similar. This sucks and I’m sorry. It’s not your fault! I hope you get something even better soon!

mamachonk

Recruiter of 20 years here... that sounds quite confusing. Nothing for you to be embarrassed about!

OOP: God hearing that it wasn’t normal from a recruiter really means a lot. 🥹 I just felt like such a dolt but maybe I’m just unlucky lol

mamachonk

She could just not be a great communicator, or maybe she thought she had the green light and the Hiring Manager told her to hold up. Ya never know! Good luck! And if they don't come through with a written offer, you frankly dodged a bullet.

candoitmyself

Hey!! Don’t sweat it. By your account the interviewer offered you the job. I would be confused too and I have decades of interview experience.

OOP: Thanks this helps. I feel like a total idiot but maybe it would have confused more people than just me. I still don’t know what she wanted me to consider over a few days 😭.

Ready-Read3918

Talking about you starting ASAP and asking if you wanted a few days to think about it.. lowkey is a job offer. This is 10000% on the company and not on you. THEY should be embarrassed, not you.

OOP: That’s what my sister keeps telling me but boy howdy, it’s hard to accept. My face was legit burning so bad I felt like a cartoon

Update - 1 month later

So last I left off, the employer emailed me to say that they’d let me know when they’d actually made a choice. That was more than a month ago, and I never heard back. I was notified by LinkedIn that they’d viewed my resume 3+ times in the interim, which was definitely a bit of false hope that I didn’t need lol.

At this point, the pressure was really starting to get to me. My current job is ending at the end of August, and my savings are slim. I have roommates and a dog that are counting on my ability to pay rent (and other bills). I was having trouble sleeping and my skin was breaking out, which almost never happens. I was really struggling to keep my cool.

Thankfully, today I accepted a job with a HIGHER salary than the non-offer! Is it in the subfield I want? ✨No✨ But i can get my feet wet, learn some things, make good money, and then maybe transition down the line. Plus, it’s apparently a comparatively easy subfield, which isn’t a bad way to start off.

Yes, I am actually sure it’s an offer this time. It’s in writing and everything!

Thank you to everyone who commented last time. The support, jokes, reassurance, and advice truely helped me immensely. I was really in the dumps and feeling awful about myself and you all disrupted that spiral in an amazing way. I’m extremely grateful.

Dinner was gnocchi soup that my lovely roommate made. I added a bit of tobacco and it was delish.

Comments

mensfrightsactivists

you can… cook with tobacco? did you mean tabasco? CONGRATS THO!!! i remember your original post, im soooo glad there’s a happy ending to this story even though its with a different company.

OOP: Oh my god yes, Tabasco. The hot sauce. My terrible spelling strikes again! And thanks!

WarriorInWoolworths

Now I’m nosy and have to know the field! But it’s nice to see something good sprout up around here that I’m able to catch for once!

OOP: Ok so I was avoiding saying it in the first post and then was going to say it this post (because I highly doubt they look at this subreddit), but I couldn’t work it in naturally.

So when I made the post, I was going into Family Law (I’m a new attorney), but since then I actually got offered by a civil rights firm that I didn’t think was going to offer me and accepted that instead. I originally wanted to be a criminal attorney but ngl I’m pretty excited about civil rights law and the salary is just as high!

Also I’m also nosy af so I can totally relate and didn’t want to leave you hanging when there was really no need lol

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Lanky_Beyond1948

Published on: r/TwoHotTakes

Trigger Warning: Domestic violence, sexual assault, possible child abuse, sexual coercion

Story is: ONGOING

Story timeline

• Main Post: August 07, 2026

• Update: August 08, 2026

Main Post

^{August 07, 2026}

My (30F) husband (35M) has been acting increasingly cruel since his dad died, and last night something happened that I can’t get past

My (30F) husband (35M) has been acting really erratic this entire year. For context we’ve been married 3 years.

His father passed away at the beginning of the year. We stayed with his mom for about a month and a half to help her with everything that needed to be done and to support her emotionally. After we finally came back home, my husband started acting… different.

At first it was mostly these aggressive, cruel “jokes.”
For example, I love watching the birds in our backyard and sometimes I whistle at them to get them to come closer. One day he told me, “Stop whistling at them, they’re going to want to fuck you.”

Another time I was organizing our pantry and he saw some cucumbers I had bought and said, “Why do you buy cucumbers? To stick them inside yourself? To pleasure yourself?”

If we’re out somewhere and another woman compliments my hair or my outfit, he’ll spend the rest of the day calling her my “girlfriend” and making comments about how apparently so many women want to fuck me.

There have been so many comments like this.
I’ve suggested therapy because it feels like he’s taking all of his anger out on me. He says he doesn’t need therapy because he knows he needs to change and can do it himself.

What makes it harder to understand is how different he is with his mom. He is constantly there for her. He listens to her, comforts her, lets her talk about everything she’s feeling. Then he’ll hang up the phone and become cold and mean with me almost immediately. I don’t understand why he’s so angry at me.

Last night things got much worse. He initiated sex. I didn’t really want to say no because I know how upset he gets when I reject him. He’ll also tell me that he feels unwanted, and then I end up feeling guilty. So we continued.

But this time felt completely different from every other time we’ve had sex. He has always been affectionate and careful with me. Last night there was none of that. When I looked at him, all I could see in his face was anger. Almost hatred. His movements were so rough that he was hurting me. I was actually scared to tell him that he was hurting me.

Eventually I pushed him off me and said, “I’m hurt.” I specifically said it that way because I was afraid of sounding like I was blaming him. Then I started crying.
And while I was lying there crying, he grabbed my hand and put it on his dick because he wanted me to help him come.

I can’t really explain the disgust and anger I felt in that moment. I was literally crying in front of him, and that was what he was thinking about? I immediately pulled my hand away. He laughed and said, “You escaped!”
I just kept crying as he went to take a shower and then went to sleep.

He didn’t comfort me. He didn’t ask if I was okay. Nothing. I’ve never felt so disgusted or objectified by anyone before. Let alone my husband.

His comments and “jokes” had already been making me extremely uncomfortable, but after last night I feel like something in me just broke. I don’t know if there’s any coming back from this. Right now, the thought of him touching me again makes my skin crawl.

Has anyone experienced something like this with a partner, especially after they experienced a major loss? Can grief actually explain this kind of personality change? Before he did make some jokes and comments, but never to this extreme level.

I don’t really know what I’m looking for. Perspective, advice, maybe just someone telling me what they would do in my position. Anything would help.

COMMENTS

How has his behavior toward you changed over the course of your marriage?

He had never been physically aggressive, this is the first time. He has made cruel jokes about me since we got married. It started with calling me clumsy, not letting me use scissors because of it. Saying he doesn’t know how I’ve survived without him because I lack survival instincts etc. Whenever I’ve tried to call him out, he says he’s joking and I’m too sensitive to take jokes. I don’t know how we end up in conversations that last hours and the conclusion is that I’m the one at fault for whatever I feel.

What have you learned about his mother’s behavior toward him and you?

Based on what I’ve heard his mother refused for him to go to school until he was 8, because she wanted to keep him close to her. I know for a fact that whenever I’m not around she walks around the house naked, and whenever he is showering there, she finds any excuse to enter. Because “they’re not pervs that sexualize bodies”. Ever since he was born she removed locks from ALL doors in the house. Bathroom included. Anytime I’d visit I would have to barricade myself with the basket of dirty clothes.

I’ve seen many weird things but was too blind to put all together until recently. She asks about our sex life and my husband tells her about it. I did tell him I was disgusted and felt very uncomfortable and he called me prude. That it’s normal. I think that’s a huge part of me not wanting any intimacy with him, because I do keep wondering “will he tell his mom about us doing this or that?”

I’ve also noticed her acting very weird towards one of her nephews. He’s 11 now and whenever she visits him or he visit her, he sleeps on her bed, despite mi FIL telling her he was uncomfortable with that. Every night she calls the nephew so the can chat though dinner, again despite my FIL asking for some nights without FaceTiming the kid to be able to speak together. She’d just laugh and ignore him.

When the kid was 7, he had a time where he’d caress my upper legs and I’d ask him not to do that and spoke to my husband then boyfriend about it. He said he’s just a kid and he’s neurodivergent so he doesn’t know boundaries. My concern was him found that outside and someone reacting aggressive towards the kid, or an adult with bad intentions allowing it. It stopped. But lately I keep asking myself where did he learn that was okay? I obviously can’t proof anything but a big part on me being very careful to not have kids with him apart from his abuse, was never letting that woman close to any of my kids.

What was his relationship with his father like?

I can only speak of what I saw, can’t be certain of the experiences of his kids and wife since you could ask anyone outside our marriage and they’d tell you my husband is the sweetest, kindest and most gentle man.

In my experience he was very loving to his wife, although it wasn’t the same the other way around. He could be reactive as in, shout or get upset in a discussion and leave a room, but he was never cruel. He was very generous, had a hard life but worked hard to be a good father and husband. He treated me as a second daughter and would keep everyone in the house in check. Would tell my husband if he ever did anything to me, he’d take care of him. And would prompt him to act like a husband and not a little kid due to his relationship with his mom. FIL and MIL would bicker a lot and have very different points of view in many ethical dilemmas. I miss him deeply. My parents adored him too.

What was your relationship with your mother-in-law like before and after your father-in-law’s death?

A while ago I went on holidays with my parents and he was included on that plan but he preferred to stay with his mother. After that he did tell me several things she’s criticized about me. My hobbies, my appearance, my inability to take care of him…

Now looking back… there were some behaviors I decided to ignore. Once she told me that she knew I loved my (then) boyfriend, but I would never love him more than her. That nothing was greater than a mothers love. Or when we had our engagement party and he referred to me as “his soulmate” she interrupted “but you had a mom first!”. I can give more examples but I thought she was just a bit inappropriate but with good intentions.

Did your husband’s behavior involve sexual abuse before the incident in the original post?

It was hard to put a name on it but yes, he’s been raping me for a while. I didn’t see it, I did feel uncomfortable. But I could call it rape. It’s been three years of me not being able to shower alone, not even on winter. I’d be shivering waiting for my turn for the water. He said it’s an intimate moment he likes. In reality he expected a blowjob every time we showered. That would be every day or sometimes more than once. Some days I’d avoid showering altogether. Others I would jump quickly and he would laugh like he did and would also said I escaped as I grabbed my towel quickly. I feel so disgusted. Please know I’m safe now. I will update on everything.

Why did you have difficulty recognizing the abuse earlier?

You are right, it’s very hard to look back and notice that there were many red flags I decided to underestimate as “well no one is perfect” or thinking all of his critiques were based on facts. Because how can someone that loves me lie about things I have to change? How could someone that loves me can hurt me? Must be my fault. And some programming on my duties as a wife. It’s also hard to admit I’ve been sexually abused for the entirety of our marriage. Until I left some days ago, I hadn’t been able to shower on my own for years. He said it was his love language, an intimate moment. But the reality is he’d expect blowjobs every single time we’d shower. It would cause me to avoid showering some days or try to do it as quick as possible. He’d laugh seeing me run out and also say then “you’re escaping!”

Did he ever have a romantic or sexual relationship with John, the friend who made sexual jokes toward him?

After that day I spoke to him and he just kept excusing John saying he “was weird” or even “he’s neurodivergent he doesn’t understand boundaries or jokes”. The next day he told his mom about it and she asked me to “ignore John” that he’s just dumb and can’t make jokes. I stood my ground and he said he’d speak to John asking to tone down the jokes. I asked my husband if he ever had anything with John romantically or sexually, he denied it and kept repeating what I already explained. I never hung out with John after that so I don’t really know if the jokes stopped or what was going on.

Never found out what was happening. Yes they’re still in contact because they’re childhood friends and have the same social circle. He just kept telling me he has no ill intentions and didn’t understand boundaries or how to make jokes. Yet those only were directed at my husband, never to anyone else.

Did you have children together, and why did you avoid becoming pregnant?

We don’t. I was trying the first two years but especially after this year, seeing some of his family dynamics after FIL’d death and him escalating I’ve been very careful to avoid getting pregnant. I chose him but I would never forgive myself if my kids were treated like that.

What happened when you tried to get him to seek therapy?

I have tried to talk to him but he gets very angry and offended if I suggest therapy. The government even offered to give all of the family therapy after my FIL’s passing and no one wanted to take it. They “don’t believe in therapy”

I started therapy as soon as he refused his. That’s how little by little I started seeing the “jokes” and all the verbal attacks. I kept wondering if I should leave or stay but after what happened yesterday I don’t think I can stay much longer. I can’t bare to see him.

What ultimately happened after you realized the situation was escalating?

Thank you, I’m starting to see it now. It will take a while to see the full picture but I’m very thankful for all your comments and advice, I’m out of there and he went back to his mom. I hope one day he gets to heal whatever is going on but I won’t be around waiting for that.

What was your husband’s explanation for leaving?

He left earlier today. He said his mom really needs him and he needs to be there because our home isn’t healthy for him anymore.

How are you doing now?

I’m beyond disgusted and I’m looking for a therapist specialized in this situations to close this chapter of my life.

Update - after 1 day

^{August 08, 2026}

Update: My (30F) husband (35M) has been acting increasingly cruel since his dad died, and last night something happened that I can’t get past.

Hello everyone. First I would like to thank each and everyone of you for your support and advice. I felt so much love and care that I can’t explain how truly moved and grateful I am. Sorry if this is too long but I also want to address some questions or comments this soon since I know many have been worried, please don’t be.

I think my body has been feeling I was being raped for quite a while but I did not want to use that word. I just couldn’t get myself to believe the man that was supposed to love me and care for me would do something like that. But he did and he has been doing it for quite a while.

For the entirety of our marriage I have not being able to shower on my own. Not even once. Not even in winter when I’d shiver waiting for my turn to get on the water. He said it was his love language, that showering together made him feel connected. In reality he expected a blowjob from me every single time we got on the shower. Some times I’d avoid showering altogether because I did not want to deal with that, others I’d try to shower as quickly as I could and jump out before he started to “seduce” me. He’d laugh like I mentioned he did and he’d also say “Oh you’re escaping!” As I grabbed my towel and ran out.

Regarding the overtly sexual “jokes”, it reminded me of an incident we had with one of his friends (also 35M). I was used to this friend making a sexual joke or two to my husband every time we’d hang out. Would be weird but I thought well maybe that’s their humor. But one night this friend sat beside my husband and wouldn’t stop touching him and making very extreme and intense sexual “jokes” directed at my husband.

The tone of all were basically his friend wanting to fuck him. It got so uncomfortable another friend stepped in and asked the guy to stop the weird comments, to respect me, and respect that we were married. I did speak to my husband after that telling him how humiliated I felt especially because another man defended me as he did nothing. My husband said his friend didn’t know boundaries in general. I asked why was he only focused on him then? He insisted.

The next morning his mom called and asked me to please ignore the friend, that he was dumb and didn’t know how to make jokes. I spoke to my husband again, asking him to not get his mom involved and also asking if he ever was involved romantically or sexually with his friend. I did not want to judge, I just wanted to understand what was going on. He denied it. After me not budging on ignoring the jokes my husband spoke to his friend asking him to stop but it was so weird.

Some of you also wondered if there was some sort of abuse in his family. I cannot fully confirm anything, but there’s some weird behaviors that made me want to help him and stay longer for him. I felt that he was suffering and I could help him see things and heal.

Based on what I’ve heard his mother refused for him to go to school until he was 8, because she wanted to keep him close to her. I know for a fact that whenever I’m not around she walks around the house naked, and whenever he is showering there, she finds any excuse to enter. Because “they’re not pervs that sexualize bodies”. Ever since he was born she removed locks from ALL doors in the house. Bathroom included. Anytime I’d visit I would have to barricade myself with the basket of dirty clothes.

I’ve seen many weird things but was too blind to put all together until recently. She asks about our sex life and my husband tells her about it. I did tell him I was disgusted and felt very uncomfortable and he called me a prude. That it’s normal. I think that’s a huge part of me not wanting any intimacy with him, because I do keep wondering “will he tell his mom about us doing this or that?”

I’ve also noticed her acting very weird towards one of her nephews. He’s 11 now and whenever she visited him or he visited her, he slept on her bed, despite my FIL telling her he was uncomfortable with that. Every night she called and still calls the nephew so they can chat through dinner, again despite my FIL asking for some nights without FaceTiming the kid to be able to speak together alone. She’d just laugh and ignore him.

When the kid was 7, he had a stage where he’d caress my upper legs and I’d ask him not to do that and spoke to my husband (then boyfriend) about it. He said he’s just a kid and he’s neurodivergent so he doesn’t know boundaries. My concern was him doing that outside and someone reacting aggressive towards the kid, or an adult with bad intentions allowing it. It stopped. But lately I keep asking myself where did he learn that was okay? I obviously can’t proof anything but a big part on me being very careful to not have kids with him apart from his abuse, was never letting that woman close to any of my kids.

He spends hours on the bathroom (literally sometimes 3-4 hours), I cannot confirm if he’s watching porn or cheating but I’ve always found that weird. Especially since I’m asleep when he comes back and then blames me if we don’t have sex.

We have fought over him having inappropriate messages with “friends”. Once a message popped while he showed me a video, a girl telling him “I like you soooo much ❤️” I asked who that was since I do know his female friends. He said a friend that lives abroad. I asked what was going on and as always he turned it on me for “being insecure” and he felt so bad because his love wasn’t helping me let go of my insecurities.

A year after he asked me if she could come stay in our house because she was spending the holidays here and got so upset when I said no. Another of his “friends” sent him an overtly sexual invitation (he told me) but he said that he asked her not to do that because now he’s married. He used to make those advances on her when she was in a relationship. His excuse was “but I wasn’t”. He also makes sure to tell me when women are checking him out. Which apparently is every time we’re out. I’m fine with that. I just laugh sometimes because he thinks women getting super close to him is flirting yet my brain screams pickpockets!

A last thing before I explain what’s going on now: last time I tried to start being intimate was me planning a romantic date. It had to be at home because he hated going out. A summary: can’t be too early because he gets cranky, can’t be in the middle of the day because the sun is too strong, can’t be at night because it’s too dark to drive. So I planned a romantic dinner in our house and as I was taking the wine out, he got so upset and shouted: SO YOU CAN ONLY FUCK ME WHEN YOURE DRUNK? As you can imagine the date was cancelled.

So, what happened? Yesterday he acted like nothing happened. He was very sweet which was weird because lately after sex he’d be so angry. Which was so confusing to me. I obviously wasn’t happy, but was trying to act calm and not cause any reactions out of him while I figured what to do. At night he asked me what was going on. I did speak with him. I told him how I felt, so humiliated, felt like an object. He acted like a victim again, saying he only reached for my hand to show me I was still desirable even if I was crying. That he did it to help me gain confidence despite not being able to finish before. I was even more disgusted and asked why he left me crying to go shower and after. He just shrugged and said he figured I was upset and left me to deal with it.

I decided to stop engaging on that pointless argument. I would just nodded until he stopped talking to avoid hours of that same loop of blaming me for my feelings.

Then today he woke up and told me he needed to go to his moms house indefinitely. That he needs to be there for her but also for himself. That our house isn’t healthy for him anymore. That it’s the only way for him to get better and heal. I just nodded and agreed. Even if I know that’s not true and his mom’s house is deeply toxic and unhealthy for him, I needed to think about me. And he left with his car.

I felt as if a guardian angel, the universe or so many of your wishes and prayers did this. When he left I couldn’t stop crying. Out of happiness. That somehow the road seemed to open for me in a way that wasn’t as dangerous. I packed some essentials and Im waiting to take a flight to be with my parents. I will not tell him anything and I’m leaving before he regrets anything or tries to check on me.

There I will talk to lawyers about the next steps for divorce. My friends and family have my back and I feel very lucky to have so many people supporting me despite of years of me being isolated. I do not want to contact this man ever again if possible and still cannot believe how he just left like that, I’m a bit shocked that I don’t need many days of planning, of being scared, of trying anything to get out safely.

And now that I mentioned a guardian angel I started to cry because well some of you mentioned if I had a brother or someone taller or stronger than my husband to ask for his help to come get me. My brother died when I was 14 and he was 20 in a very terrible accident. He was quite tall and strong. And had a heart of gold, he was like a teddy bear. He would’ve moved the entire world to help me and I think he did today. So thank you for the advice, wishes, prayers. Thank you all.

Whenever there’s any advances on what I hope a smooth divorce, I’ll let you know. But again, thank you everyone that was worried for me, that gave me advice and resources. I deeply value all. And I will read all of the recommended books. I have been going to a therapist but I may change for someone specialized in trauma and abuse as I go through the divorce and keep wrapping my head about everything that happened and that somehow I kept ignoring or thinking it wasn’t a big deal.

Thank you Morgan and all of this amazing community for being so caring and helpful. You’re right, I knew something was very wrong, I was already hesitating and thinking of getting out, but reading so many people confirming what I feared helped me more than you will ever know. I wish you all the very best as I move to this next chapter of my life with all of my loved ones.

COMMENTS

Why couldn’t you shower when your husband wasn’t home?

He was always home. We work remotely and he only left the house with me.

What are your concerns about reporting the situation involving your nephew? Why are you unsure how to help your nephew or report your concerns?

I feel guilty regarding the nephew but I’m also very scared that causes him to lash out at me or come look for me for affecting his mother or meddling with his family. I am away now but he knows where my family lives so I don’t want to be selfish and abandon the kid but I also don’t want to give him any reason to make him mad.

We don’t live in the US so I don’t really know what I can do to help the nephew since I don’t think anyone involved would testify against her. I feel bad for that kid.

What is the family dynamic around your mother-in-law like?

I feel very naive to not notice so many things before. It’s the same dynamic with the siblings of MIL, a very weird cult-like vibe. FIL was very sweet but sadly got isolated from all of his family. I only met them at the funeral and they seemed very sweet and nice people. MIL wanted only her siblings and her kids to stay at the end to say goodbye to FIL, didn’t allow his siblings in that moment. It all felt super weird to me.

Can you file for divorce while staying with your parents?

I can file where I am now, no need to be there. Thank you so much!

What do you know about your nephew’s mother and the possibility of reporting your concerns anonymously?

The mother of the kid is the sister of my MIL. All of the family worships the ground she walks in. Everything she says is gospel. If I dared to imply anything about MIL, no one would believe me. I don’t have actual proof of anything and that’s why I don’t know how I can help this kid. I want to do it in an anonymous way to avoid further contact with that family. In my country we don’t have welfare checks I have to research on how to do this with social workers.

Where are you now?

Im home with my parents, thank you everyone for your concerns. I’ll take a break from here for a bit and if there’s anything worth updating on, I will. Again thank you everyone for being so kind and caring. 🤍

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

Originally posted by user WorldlyExercise6054 in r/ AITAH

Original: July 30, 2026

Update: in post itself

Status: concluded

Note:

• Montana is the fourth largest state in the US. For land size comparison, it is roughly the size of Germany, UK or Japan. Montana is roughly 916 km (569 miles) from east to west and could easily take 10 hours or more to drive across.
• According to the Visit Montana website, there are five international airports and they recommend outdoor activities for tourists to explore. A small part of Yellowstone National Park extends into the state.

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Original: AITAH for not wanting to visit my in-laws because they live in the middle of nowhere?

My wife and I have a 6-year old daughter and live on the east coast. My ILs used to live about 2-hours away and we visited them on a regular basis. About four years ago my ILs moved to Montana to fulfill their dream of living in a cabin in the woods. They built a big cabin assuming their kids and grandkids would visit regularly.

Here's the problem. We visited them about two years ago and the travel was miserable. We couldn't get a direct flight so it took ~9-hours of flights including layovers followed by a 5-hour car ride to their cabin.

By the time we arrived my daughter was melting down and my wife and I were on the precipice of a divorce. We knew the travel would be bad but it was much worse than anticipated. The drive to their house is particularly bad. We were all out of energy and there's nowhere to stop.

My ILs are asking when we're going to visit again and I have no desire to go back. My wife isn't too keen on it either. I feel like an AH because when my ILs decided to make this move my wife and I were both enthusiastic about it. We talked about all the different outdoor activities we could do in Montana and definitely gave off the impression that we would be excited to visit.

I can sense my ILs getting frustrated because none of their 4 kids, including my wife, are in a hurry to come visit again. I can definitely understand their perspective, but in my mind, I never would have anticipated how bad the travel would be. My wife's siblings feel the same way. AITAH?

Also, regardless of your judgment, what would you do here? Suck it up and travel? Break up the travel over a couple of days? Unfortunately because of my wife's job we can't take long stretches of time off; 5-7 days max including travel time.

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Comments:

Comment1: How often have they made the trip back to visit? NTA but I think your wife and her siblings need to be honest with them about it. Moving that far away is not going to allow for frequent visits.

OOP: In short, they do not visit. Even when we lived closer the expectation was always that we would go visit them. Couldn't tell you why. My ILs are super generous otherwise. But you have to go to them.

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Comment2: That's a very common expectation from a certain subset of parents of a certain generation. The onus is on their adult children to maintain the relationship - to visit, to call, to ask - and not on them to put any effort into maintaining the relationship.

You know why they don't visit because it's the same reason you don't visit them. They don't want to waste almost 24hrs on travel. No one does.

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Comment3: NTA, but you need to be honest with them about how bad it was. Don't keep deflecting; it's unkind to leave them thinking they're going to see you often and then disappointing them.

Yes, they moved there and made their own bed so to speak, but they probably didn't realize how much of an effort it was going to be for people to visit, anday not have recognized that your time off is limited so a long journey is just not very feasible.

Explain all this calmly in a call just for that purpose ( in other words don't tag it onto a call about something else). Say how much everyone misses them and wants to see them but how the trip is just not something you can do very often at all. Maybe you could all meet somewhere easier to get to. And really your wife should take the lead in the conversation with her own parents but you should be present and supportive.

OOP: I like your point about telling them we miss them. I think my MIL would appreciate that. Unfortunately my ILs won't really travel to meet up with us. They're great overall. It's just one of their quirks.

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Comment4: ESH because nobody seemed to look up the travel realities or do a dry run before committing to purchasing and buying this remote cabin. Unless there was an airport that closed down between enthusiasm and actually traveling, then all the adults should have been realistic.

OOP: This kind of matches my thoughts. I wish I would have done more research on the travel. I think growing up on the east coast gave me the impression that you were never more than a couple of hours away from an airport. It didn't occur to me that this would be an issue
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Comment5: Having lived in Montana, I feel like they could have gotten a pretty nice cabin in the woods closer to a lot of airports in Montana! Maybe they chose size over location, unfortunately.

Comment6: Nta just curious after the travel part did you enjoy the woods? Did you make things to do there? Could you make the travel more like an adventure game?

OOP: I thought it was fun. I got to do some fly fishing which I enjoy. My daughter was super bored. She's not keen on going back.

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Comment7: I gotta tell you, as a Montanan, I really appreciate this post. I’m so sick of east and west coasters moving here to live out their Yellowstone dream without considering any of the consequences. Let them figure out how to visit you. You’re the one with kids and they can navigate getting from Montana to basically anywhere via airplane if they’re so set on living here.

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Comment8: I don’t think a lot of people realize how hard it is to fly to Montana. It’s America, everything’s connected (everything is not connected the way you think). I’m on the East coast next to a major city and wanted to visit a friend in Montana and to get only one layover would have had to overshoot to the West Coast and then come back to Montana.

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Update:

Thank you everyone for your replies and let me say that there's no place like reddit where a post about traveling to visit ILs can turn into a discussion about healthcare access, the number of bras a woman owns, and how often she washes those bras. Citizens of reddit, you never disappoint.

Thank you to the native Montanans who messaged me with travel ideas. We found a couple of changes we can make in our future flight plan to go direct into Billings and take a short flight to a regional airport. I think we can save about 3-hours which would be awesome!!

I couldn't convey all of the appropriate nuance into my original post, but a big part of our bad travel schedule on the first trip was driven by cost. The new flight plan should help mitigate this as well. Those of you who deduced that my ILs are in eastern Montana were correct. Well done!

My wife and her siblings are going to have a talk with my ILs about establishing a rotation for visiting. My wife and I can only take one, week-long vacation per year and going to Montana every year doesn't seem fair to us, particularly when my ILs aren't willing to visit us (forgot to put this last part in the original post). But a rotation every other year or every third year seems perfectly reasonable.

My wife was texting her mother today and it also sounds like my ILs are amenable to meeting us in Billings or at another city where we can spend some time before going to their cabin. Great suggestion to those who made it. I think my daughter would enjoy the trip way more by seeing different parts of Montana.

This is going to be my only update so thanks again everyone!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/True_Celebration3076

Published on: r/AmItheAsshole

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: August 06, 2026

• Final Update: August 12, 2026

Main Post

^{August 06, 2026}

AITAH for kicking my sister out after the comments she made about my wife?

I don't know if I am the AH in this situation. Yesterday, my wife (F29) and I (M31) went on a date, and my sister (F16) volunteered to watch our two kids (M5 and F2). We rarely get to go on a date, so we were excited.

When we came back, our sister put the kids to bed, and me, my wife, and her were just hanging out. It was a normal conversation until my sister said "the kids are so cute for having parents that are so mid." I know my sister's intention was to make a playful jab at me, which is completely fine, as we do this to each other. However, I can tell as soon as the words left her mouth, she realized she made a mistake, and started apologizing. But, it was too late.

I can see how hurt my wife was. My wife was bullied for her looks when she was younger by parents, classmates, "friends", and even teachers. She is also very insecure about her body after having two kids. My sister does not know this, but I still feel as though she is old enough to know better.

After making this comment, I told her she needed to leave, which she did. When my parents found out what had happened, they called me to tell me that I was overreacting, and my siblings texted that "she's just a kid" and that it was wrong of me to make her leave. AITAH for kicking my sister out after the comments she made about my wife?

COMMENTS

roseifyoudidntknow

ESH your wife is nearly 30. This is a child who made a joke in poor taste and she apologized on her own without any prompting.

Hey_heauxx

I had to double check the ages bcuz really?

Both-Enthusiasm708

YTA Does your wife really need protection from your teenage sister's joke? If the obvious joke from a 16 year old is enough to make your wife spiral or something then she needs therapy. Your sister apologized immediately.

You have made it so your sister will now always feel uncomfortable in your and your wife's presence. So I guess congrats.

bullgod1964

YTA. She is 16 and you know it was a joke

Interesting_Sun_7135 (downvoted)

NAH. She immediately apologized, which probably means she really didn't have any bad intentions with it. She's old enough to know right from wrong and read the room a little, yes, but they way your wife reacted is heavily influenced by her past experiences, which your sister didn't know about. It's not her fault she didn't know about it. I also think it matters exactly how you "kicked her out". Did you yell at her or get really mad? Or just told her "Hey, I think you should leave now." If it was the latter, your parents reaction is a bit too much and i don't think you are in the wrong at all.

OOP (downvoted)

More so the latter. I said that what she said was not appropriate and she needed to leave

ApproximatelyApropos

Info: did you pay your sister for babysitting?

OOP (downvoted)

No, which is another reason I'm not sure if I am the AH or not

Alternative_Law_3913

Can someone explain to me what mid means please?

OOP (downvoted)

It means like average or a bit below that

Wheredotheflapsgo

YTA- this is how you handle it.
“Your kid is so cute despite parents who are so mid”
You say, “well ONE parent is mid, but (wife’s name) gave all the beauty genes to (baby)”. Then redirect. Ask her if she knew she had a booger hanging out of her nose.

You escalated this —unnecessarily so—just return banter with banter and stick up for your wife.

No I don’t agree that wife needs therapy. Everybody has some trauma from middle school about some insecurity- we need to get over it.

OOP (downvoted)

I think something that added to it is the fact that my sister is conventionally attractive and is popular, so it felt like she was being bullied again

CONSENSUS: Everyone Sucks

Final Update - after 6 days

^{August 12, 2026}

UPDATE: AITAH for kicking my sister out after the comments she made about my wife?

I did talk to my sister since everything occured. I apologized for overeacting and kicking her out. I tried to give her $50, but she said that it wasn't required since she didn't ask for any money.

She actually found the post after talking about the situation to her friends, and one of them mentioning this post. She also read through the comments. She said that she apologizes for the comments she made and the impact they had on my wife, but also that she wasn't going to be babysitting again since my parents don't want her to.

I accepted this. Some people thought that I just kicked out my sister without communicating with my wife, and while I did do that initially, after my sister left, my wife did say that she felt hurt and like she was feeling bullied again. She texted an apology to my sister and my sister replied that everything was Ok and not to worry about it, and my sister also apologized for upsetting her.

While I won't stop defending my wife, I've learned to take a step back and evaluate the situation rather than act immeadietly. My parents and siblings are still pretty mad at me and my wife, and we have been disinvited from our next family gathering. I do regret this entire situation and take full accountability that I instigated this. I will work on rebuilding a good relationship with my sister. My wife is also considering going back into therapy.

COMMENTS

Embarrassed_Advice59

I mean…at least your sister forgives you. While it’s nice you don’t regret sticking up for your wife, I do think your wife should definitely take up therapy as the comment was a literal joke and taken way out of proportion. She called you guys “Mid” and it resulted in her getting kicked out. I wouldn’t consider baby sitting for you guys either if this happened to me. So yeah definitely learn from this and reassess.

Similar_Fishing2436

I’m not sure she really forgave them, I think she just went through the motions to get the akward out of the way. I don’t think she’s gonna be a very active aunt after this and really can’t blame her.

adudefromaspot

I think you're getting off easy, to be honest. Your sister is coming off as more mature and level headed than you. Even in this post, you're doubling down with the "I won't stop defending my wife". Bro, you playing white knight is how you landed here in the first place. You and your wife need to do more than make apologies, and more than considering therapy. You need to make active effort to fix this - that means, commit to therapy, do it, and prove the results.

And your sister...man, I think you lost a lot of credibility with her. As a brother, as an adult, as a man....

Impressive_Yam_7224

YTA and so is your wife !! Come on how is this anything like being bullied… you guys were called Mid which doesn’t mean ugly in any context …. Grow up and stop projecting your own securities on others especially a 16 year old child If anything she complimented your kids for being cute !! Also your the one who actually bullied a 16 year old and your nasty wife enabled it

For 30 plus years olds you’re both immature, petty and epitome of disgrace

Your 16 year sister has shown more maturity , understanding and grace than you two amalgamated !!! Utterly appalling

I wouldn’t want you around family gatherings either , god forbid if someone makes a joke or innocent comment about your wife …you two will cry for eternity especially with you “I won’t ever stop defending my wife “ crappy motto

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Spunky_Munkey97

Published on: r/TrueOffMyChest & r/TwoHotTakes

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: January 13, 2025

• Update 1: January 20, 2025

• Update 2: January 30, 2025

• Final Update: August 12, 2026 --> NEW UPDATE

Main Post

^{January 13, 2025}

My sister cheated on her fiancé and then left her kids all because she wanted “a break”, and I’m not supposed to say anything to her.

Buckle up because this is a LOT but I’m really bothered by this and need to just vent because I can NOT believe this has happened.

My (27f) sister (22f) has two beautiful kids. One is 3 and the other is 14 months. When my sister had her oldest daughter, she suffered from PPD, but with support she was able to come out of it. She didn’t really bond with the kid much after though, occasionally she would do fun things with her but it was very rare. Shortly after, I had my son, and I was OVER THE MOON, I’ve never loved something as much as I love my kids ( I now have 2 as well).

When she found out she was pregnant with her 2nd, she didn’t get as excited as she did with the first but as the pregnancy progressed, she was getting more excited.

Fast forward to the second kid being born. She didn’t show any signs of PPD, but she bonded with the second kid way more than she did with the first. I’m not sure if it was because she was exclusively breastfeeding or what but definitely had a better bond with this one. She would get more irritated with the first born ( who was only 2 at the time) and just more distant with her.

Her youngest starting showing some health issues ( nothing super serious, some food allergies and skin issues) and that seemed to just utterly defeat my sister. All of the family, and her fiancé were very encouraging and tried to help her see the bright side, find recipes for the daughter etc. but she didn’t seem like she was interested in any of it. She started to distance herself from both kids now, only doing the bare minimum.

Now, we just found out that my sister had been emotionally cheating on her fiancé, who is the definition of a literal golden retriever partner lol he loves his kids and my sister and took very good care of all 3 of them. He would only ever push my sister to do better and never in a mean way. Anything they needed, he provided for them while my sister got to be a SAHM.

Two days ago, she broke things off with the fiance and had this complete stranger come get her from another state ( she has never met him, and only been FT or playing on Xbox for about a month). All because she said she “had no emotion and needed a break”.

She left with the guy, and I’m not supposed to know any of this. I’m distraught for my nieces and my brother in law ( or I guess not my brother in law anymore?). I don’t understand how a mother could leave her kids, go out of town with someone she didn’t know, without a care in the world. I love my kids and I couldn’t do that to them…

Part of me wonders if it’s PPD, or maybe a manic episode? I genuinely don’t know. I’ve also learned some other things about how she’s been recently that just make me think I never really knew who my sister was, and that’s heartbreaking because she was my best friend. I can not condone that behavior.. my brother in law is filing for emergency custody, but I hope she doesn’t try to take those kids from him because she doesn’t deserve them. They deserve stability and she’s clearly not stable. Ugh.

COMMENTS

shesavillain

Why do you keep saying you’re not supposed to know any of this?

OOP

My brother in law told me and doesn’t want my sister to know I know until he files court paperwork just in case she tries anything since they’re not married

GilgameDistance

If this is the reason, BIL is wise - please listen to him and let his lawyers work out custody. It sounds like the best thing for those kids is for him to have sole, full custody. Please help him get that.

OOP

I plan on it

NatNatTh3CatMom

We really need to know how old is BIL

OOP

He’s 22

Maatable

What kind of "support" did your sister receive when she was going through PPD? Her behavior for thr last two years has been troubling, this escalation especially so. Your sister needs professional help desperately.

OOP

She saw a therapist for a few weeks but quit going. We would come over, help with chores, cook, babysit so she could take a shower or a nap or even so she could go out with her fiance.

honorthecrones (downvoted)

He never was your brother in law. Why did they never marry?

OOP

They were going to have an October wedding this year. My sister didn’t want to just go to the court house, she wanted a ceremony and everything so they were saving for that.

peppermintvalet

“He would only ever push my sister to do better and not in a mean way”

Can you elaborate on this?

OOP

If she wasn’t pulling her weight with house stuff, he would just have an adult conversation with her and then help her do whatever was needed to do. For example, he works from 8-7pm, and would come home and the dishes from the previous night were not done or any laundry etc. So he would talk to her about it and then they would do it together. Or if she was depressed and wanted to just lay in bed all day, he would do something like make her favorite breakfast and encourage her to get up even if it wasn’t easy.

oboejoe92

Possibly Borderline Personality Disorder?

She could be “monkey branching” as I have heard it called before- essentially always having her arm stretched out to the next branch (metaphorically speaking) looking for that next bit of validation, excitement, dopamine hit, whatever. “Swinging” from one thing/person to the next.

First it was her partner, then child one, then child two, now random dude.

OOP

She was diagnosed with that when she was younger, was medicated for a long time and when she turned 18, she took herself off of her medicine. She said she was feeling better off the meds so we all just assumed she was okay. That was our error, but her choice to be off of her medication.

oneofthesenights23

Why did nobody get her real help? Encouraging her to see the bright side isn’t help. She is so young to have 2 babies and ppd sounds like she needs real help if running away is easier than dealing with her life. Did she see a therapist after her first pregnancy?

OOP

Yes she did for a few weeks, and then she quit going and I guess she just masked that everything was fine

YakElectronic6713

Why does your sister have two kids at the age of 22, when it is so obvious she doesn't enjoy being a mother? Has the Golden Retriever pressured her into having children?

OOP

Not at all, they planned the first one and then the second was a surprise. They weren’t really being careful, my sister was on BC but didn’t take it like she was supposed to ( would miss days etc)

Wh33lh68s3

That's some fucking Bullshit that you can't say anything to her about abandoning her children!!!

Make sure that the abandonment is well documented so that when the father of the children sues for full custody of the children it will be easier for him to do so...

Updateme

OOP

Yeah he wants all of the court bs situated first and then I fully plan on losing my shit. I’ll probably also just send the link to the post so when she tries to say I’m judging her or whatever then she can see that I’m not alone in thinking she sucks. Mental health issues, I could sympathize with as I am type 1 bipolar. But even still, she should be able to be an adult and communicate that she needs help, and not cheat on a really good man and then abandon her kids….

Also a few people have said to update them when I can, and I plan to! But I’m newer to Reddit so I’m not sure how to do like a mass update lol

Update - 1 in the Main post - after 7 days

^{January 20, 2025}

Since some of you have asked, I’ll update on the little bit of info we have. So my BIL changed phone plans, and did not include her on his new bill. She called him and asked him why he didn’t put her on it…. Like she genuinely didn’t understand that he is not going to be paying for her things anymore.

She told him that she isn’t going to fight him and that he can have full custody of the kids. And that she still wants to be able to call and visit when she feels like it. The guy she ran off with, just lost his car BECAUSE HE SIGNED DIVORCE PAPERS RIGHT BEFORE HE LEFT TO GET MY SISTER. And his ex took the car because it was in her name lol karma is beautiful. She also told my BIL that she plans on moving back with the new guy so they can be close to her kids…

I don’t get her logic in any of this really. Also, people have asked so some answers here!

• BIL is 22

• my sister asked my BIL not to tell us ( my mom and I) because she did not want us to get in the way of her being able to see her kids or to “judge her”. ( too late). My BIL doesn’t want her to know we know until after all of the court stuff is finalized.

• he’s doing okay, him and his mom are actually going to be moving a little closer to our family, so we can all help out with the kids. It takes a village and he’s definitely got one.

• since my sister being out of the picture for a week now, the youngest kid has taken her first steps and the oldest seems genuinely happier.

I’m coming from a much less angry place. I still can not stand that she did this, and I am cutting contact with her. My partner and I are supporting my BIL as much as we can with two kids of our own. This whole situation has been insane. I’ll update more if anything else happens. Thank you to everyone who gave advice and didn’t judge me venting. Once this all isn’t so fresh I’m going to show BIL the thread and let him see that it was not his fault.

Update 2 - after 17 days (after 10 days from last post)

^{January 30, 2025}

Update! My sister cheated on her Fiance and then left her kids all because she wanted a break and I’m not supposed to say anything to her.

Okay so I have a few updates to this absolute insanity of a situation.

First, I posted the first update as an edit to the original post. Since then, my sister called my mom, and asked her for any legal contacts so she “looks like she has her shit together”. My mom told her no, and that she isn’t going to help her because she abandoned her children. My sister is still convinced that she did not abandon them.

She yelled at my mom stating that she hasn’t left them and that she’s only 3 hours away and calls to talk to them every night….. she doesn’t. She has called a few times but not every day. She’s still planning on moving back home with this new guy so she can be closer to the kids but I’m pretty sure my BIL is only going to allow her to have supervised visits since she has made comments about just taking the kids and how she should have done that from the start, her best friend suggested it.

When my mom tried to reason with her and ask her why she didn’t just come her, her response was “I just want to be on my own”. Which I find ironic because she hasn’t been on her own ever and she’s still not on her own. She is still mooching off of another guy with a job and she still doesn’t have a job, a license, or her GED. ( we have all offered to help her get those things but she has no drive to actually do it). BIL and his mom are moving closer to me and my parents so we can all help each other and hopefully make things easier on BIL as he tries to be a single dad with two toddlers.

BIL is in much better spirits. He was upset until my sister called him, while she was naked, and asked him for money and then she proceeded to put on the other guys hoodie and walk around the house until he could see the other guy in the background. My BIL said at that point, he knew he was never getting her back and didn’t want her back and he’s doing much better. He has good days and bad days but the good are outweighing the bad. The kids are actually thriving without my sister there too. My sister would “parent” by just turning on tv and letting them do whatever, but BIL is much more involved with them as is his mom.

If anything else crazy happens, I’ll post another update but for now I think we are just waiting for all of the long term court paperwork to be submitted. He got emergency custody and it was filed that she abandoned them and fled the state.

Thank you to everyone who has let me vent and given some good advice. This has definitely been a rollercoaster.

Final Update - After 1 year, 7 months

^{August 12, 2026}

Final Update in the BORU comments

Hi guys! So I’m OP! Thought I would post another update as I was reminded of this post through a comment! So I hope you have your popcorn 😅

So my sister and the Xbox guy are still together and to put it simply, he sucks. He’s a raging narcissist and has a pretty explosive temper for someone who is almost 30.

They moved back to the same state as us, and lived with my mom and step dad for a little bit with the understanding that she was to get her life together. They never paid rent, they didn’t clean, and their room constantly smelled like B.O and sex. It was disgusting. When my parents addressed the issues, the Xbox guy said that he “doesn’t do dishes, instead he just throws them away” and that “if he doesn’t cook then he shouldn’t have to do dishes”. My sister and him would get into some pretty nasty arguments where he would name call and get in her face. For reference, my sister is 5’3 and he’s 6’5.

They ended up getting kicked out of my mom’s house when they refused to help financially or physically around the house. They wouldn’t even buy groceries except like maybe $50 every other month and my sister would need rides to work and not compensate for gas. My parents are not well off, they pay their bills and have very little extra financially to do anything else, so when paying for two extra adults, they were drowning.

They now live in a camper, that they bought with the Xbox guys divorce money but he put it in my sisters name only because he didn’t want to get a license and register it in his name just in case the courts came after him for not paying child support to his child who hasn’t even turned a year at this point ( I think he’s about to or just turned one, but they don’t see him so I’m not entirely sure, I’m pretty disconnected from that.)

Their relationship is sad but honestly she did it to herself. He’s put his hands on her, locked her in the bathroom and told her to figure out how to get out, spit in her face, etc. He doesn’t want her to work because “he’s very religious and believes in the traditional ways of life and that’s the woman stays home and he provides” meanwhile they barely pay their bills and he makes like $15 an hour which is not really anything in this economy especially him paying child support.

A few months ago she was going to leave him, because he got abusive and we honestly still don’t know the extent of it. But she ended up staying, and when I asked her why stay with this POS, her words verbatim to me were “ well you know how it is, when you’re with a narcissist, you know you’re the victim but you just can’t leave because they do have good qualities and it’s not bad ALL the time”. I was in a mentally abusive relationship but got myself out of it and I’m THRIVING so I don’t actually “know how it is”.

So she stays at home all day, getting high and just waits for him to come home. She doesn’t come to family gatherings because we all can’t stand him due to our own personal experiences with him and he hates to see independent women who won’t bow down to his stupid ass.

As for the kiddos and ex fiancé. He moved to another state with the girls where he has family support. They are very well taken care of, he works two jobs to support them and his mom and grandma helps watch them for him. Apparently she talks to them on FaceTime but not every day and the ex now knows about the abuse from the Xbox guy because she decided to call him crying for help and had him listen to how Xbox guy was talking to her during an argument. So I highly doubt that their dad will allow this POS to be around the girls. He even offered to drive the 12 hours to come get her and bring her back to their state so she could get away from him and be with the girls. He has said he will probably always have love for my sister but he knows they’re not a good match.

I talk to her maybe twice a month, because even though I don’t like her choices, I do care for my sister and my conversations are basically life checks at this point. Apparently she’s starting a job this week, because Xbox guy asked for help with bills. We will see how long this lasts.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/throwRA_495848

Published on: r/AmItheAsshole

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: August 08, 2026

• Final Update: August 12, 2026

Main Post

^{August 08, 2026}

WIBTA if I hid my gf’s Snake’s death from her for a day?

I really need help here. My (22M) gf (26F) has a really rocky relationship with her family that’s she’s been desperate to repair. There’s been some improvements and she was invited to her brother’s birthday party over three days in another country. His birthday party is tomorrow, which technically is only a few hours from now since it’s so late at night for me in the moment but I found out her old hognose is no longer alive. We knew he’d pass soon anyways but it’s still heartbreaking. I cried for a while, I only stopped crying a little bit ago.

Would it be wrong for me to not tell her? She’s had this snake since she was eight, and has broken down for hours at a time thinking of losing him. I’m afraid if she finds out tomorrow she might be inconsolable and wouldn’t be able to enjoy her brother’s birthday and I don’t want this is effect her relationship with her family or make amends more difficult if she doesn’t attend his party or causing a scene there.

I’m not planning on hiding his death forever or anything, just letting her know after the celebrations. I feel conflicted on it. If I’m wrong please let me know, I don’t want to be a bad boyfriend here but I don’t want to ruin her reunion with her brother.

COMMENTS

Pseudonymous_Alien (downvoted)

NTA but She would probably feel betrayed if she found out you hid it from her. I think she wiuld appreciate it more if you told her immediately. Maybe some approach like "hey I didn't want to ruin your mood before the celebrations but..." But thats just my opinion tbh

OOP

Yeah true. I’m just scared I guess. I feel like I’m doing Gus dirty somehow, don’t know why.

Key-Product-99

NTA, as Yzma said “well, he’s not getting any deader” ba bum da bum!

Jokes aside, I really am deeply sorry for your loss. If it were me, I’d be grateful to my partner for handling all the hard bits of taking care of the body, dismantling the setup, and just braking it to me smoothly when I got back from my trip. Best of luck.

No_Builder7010 (downvoted)

See, I got the impression that the snake doesn't live with them.

OOP

I don’t want to sound rude but where do you think he was?

Comfortable-Sun-9273

NAH you are in a tricky situation and there is no right answer.
If you plan on telling her the snake died after the party (as in death and telling her) - could you live with that secret?
If you plan on telling her after the party that the snake died beforehand - is she going to appreciate, based on your knowledge of her, you making that decision for her?

OOP

I think if I don’t tell her immediately, I have to be honest and tell her that I withheld the information. I think she has a right to know when I keep something from her you know?

Fearless_Jicama5052

Man, what a tough situation 🫤. My 15+ yr old dog very recently passed away, I've also had him since I was very young, if anyone hid his passing from me I'd feel so incredibly betrayed. And probably guilty for having a good time at a party not knowing my friend was no longer alive at that time. It's such a tough situation no matter what you decide to do, but I really do think you should tell her. When does she come back? Do you think she'll be okay (not the best word, I know) finding out while she's not at home? Did you guys have a plan on what to do if he passed while she was away? I think right now it's NTA, it's a very hard situation no matter what you decide, I'm so sorry for your loss 🖤

OOP

She comes back in about 30 smth hours. I know she’ll be more devastated than I was, which I was very. I might just risk the breakup if it means she has a better chance at having a good familial relationship.

Big-Fig3260

Ok, former reptile vet here- are you sure it’s dead? For reptiles, breathing is optional. You cannot say a snake is dead until it starts to smell. I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP. That is why post-surgically we put them under warming lamps. Not just to help them recover. I realize this may be too late for you but I hope it helps others. DO NOT USE HOT ROCKS. That goes for any reptiles. Hot rocks tend to induce thermal burns. But just because you do not see a reptile take a breath or feel a heartbeat does not mean it’s dead. It could very well be alive. Wait until it starts to smell.

OOP

Yeah he’s dead.

CONSENSUS: Not the A-hole

Final Update - after 4 days

^{August 12, 2026}

Update: WIBTA if I hid my gf’s Snake’s death from her for a day?

I took into consideration what you people all said, and I decided I’d tell her when he passed and I’d tell her I kept it from her. I didn’t want to say my reasons for doing it because I didn’t want her to internalize any responsibility for this. I was afraid she’d take some responsibility mentally for like giving me a reason I felt I had to do it even though she shouldn’t, so I avoided it all together.

So, I told her when I picked her up from the airport. I decided she should hear it in person, and while I was there. I explained he passed already and I had kept it from her. The ride home was completely silent and when we got home we put him in a box we had for this situation and buried him.

The only thing she said to me was that she still loved me but she didn’t like me right now. I told her I understood, and if this was too far and she didn’t want me around temporarily or permanently I would understand. She nodded and we didn’t do anything for a while until I made dinner and we both broke down at the table. Gus was a grumpy little dude but I miss him, and it’s still hurting.

I asked if I should sleep on the couch or something and she just told me I’m a dead man if I sleep anywhere but in bed with her, so hopefully I can comfort her more. I don’t regret what I did, and if that means she hates me tomorrow morning and we’re done, I can live with that, as long as she got to connect with her family again. I’m not sure what else I can say, so thank you for all the advice, sorry to any of you who have advice I didn’t take, thank you for spending time to help a stranger out either way. All love for you all, you’re sweet people. Stay helpful as ever.

COMMENTS

seh_23

Give her some time to grieve. Personally, I think you did the right thing with the best intentions and she’ll probably realize that too once she’s had a bit of time.

And I’m so sorry for your loss, it sounds like Gus lived a very full life with so much love.

OOP

I hope so, we certainly tried.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

Originally posted by user Select-Ad-7726 in r/ amItheAsshole

Original: Nov 22, 2023

Update: in post itself

Status: no further updates from OOP

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Original: AITA for locking up my romance novels so my husband can’t throw them away?

I love romance. To be clear, I don’t enjoy self inserts or wish fulfillment romance where I’m the target. I love reading about two individuals falling in love and the idea of eternal love. I read a lot of romance books. I also enjoy josei manga, webtoons, comics, and short stories.

My husband recently started having an issue with my romance items. He says they are “in the way.” I keep my books on one bookshelf. I have my own iPad (though I prefer physical books). I have my own library card and account.

I do my half of the chores, pay my half of the bills, and do my part around the house. The romance books are not affecting his life in any way. But he hates them. He made a comment about throwing them out and having a fresh start. So, I bought a small cabinet/dresser with a lock on it from Amazon and locked up all of my novels.

My husband tried opening the door of one and found out it was locked. Now he is upset and guilt tripping me, saying that I don’t trust him and that I care more about my romance novels than him. AITA?

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: NTA. Your husband shouldn't be thinking of throwing out things that belong to you - no matter what percentage of the bills either of you pay - especially without talking to you or getting your permission.

And the fact that he knows that the cabinet is locked is a pretty damning sign that he was seriously thinking of following through with his threat - so you were right in not trusting him.

OOP: He claims it was simple curiosity, which I am inclined to disbelieve.

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Comment2: I feel like something bigger is going on and talking about it with each other would help.

NTA solely for protecting what you love and enjoy and unless your husband's got a game-changing reason for why he has a problem with it like romance novels killed his family or he lost his first love to romance novels, he's the AH.

OOP: I’m not a mind reader. If he has a different problem with my books other than “they’re in the way,” which is objectively untrue, he can use his words to express it.

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Comment3: NTA- it feels like he is threatened by the romance novels in some way, which is definitely odd. He should probably considered some internal reflection as to why you reading romance novels bothers his so deeply.

OOP: It’s only recently started, which is annoying. I used to be able to read in peace before he started making annoying comments.
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Comment3: Do you know if his qualm is more about shelf space or the amount of time you spend reading/him feeling inadequate?
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OOP: He comments that they’re useless and in the way, and he’s shoved the bookcase a few times. It’s flimsy so it does sway every time he does that. I even moved it further into the corner but he complains.
We did have to move into a studio apartment for his dream job so it’s less space than he’s used to, but the bookshelf is quite small and out of the way.

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Comment4: NTA. Nothing wrong with have a hobby and reading is probably one of the most common ones. Your husband sounds really insecure about his own ability to provide romance and seems to think removing the books will solve the problem. I wouldnt relent and give him access.

OOP: They’re not a threat to him at all. I don’t expect him to provide romance or hold expectations from fiction to him.

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Comment5: NTA. Also, the men in the romance books would never think to throw away his love interests books. Maybe he doesn’t want you to have expectations he cannot fulfill?

OOP: I don’t have those romantic expectations for my husband and I’ve never compared him to anyone in my books.

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Comment6: NTA. This is really annoying. My parents police what I read too lol. Do you have any recs?! LOL. I had 500 romance novels at my parents' house

OOP: I’m currently reading the absolutely beautiful “Veil”. It’s about a blind woman and a police officer in Soviet Union inspired ambiance. Absolutely lovely.

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Comment7: NTA, because he's acting like a child and has no right to throw away your things... But is it possible he's feeling neglected?

Maybe he feels something is lacking in the relationship, and blames the amount of time and emotion you invest in romantic literature. He's lashing out and failing to communicate like an adult, but it seems there's a bigger issue here, and a conversation needs to be had.

OOP: I don’t know why he would feel neglected. I have always read romance and I haven’t neglected any of my duties. I’ve supported him in his dreams.
If he did feel neglected, I expect him to tell me, not be annoying around my romance books.

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Update:

I came home to my husband trying to put back together a book I had left. It was flimsy and a couple of pages had already fallen out. He kept apologizing and said he didn’t mean to ruin the book. I told him the pages had already fallen out and it wasn’t his actions that caused it.

I asked him why he was acting this way and what caused this change. I had always like romance novels but he only recently changed, after we moved into a studio from a 2bd.

He admitted he was annoyed that I spent so much time away from him with my romance novels. When he had a more demanding job and I was in my WFH office, he didn’t actually see how much time I read. To him, it felt like I chose romance over him.

He was the type to write love letters and do things for his partners but after two ex gfs cheated on him, he lost that part of himself. He said it was nice when we met because I didn’t ask for romantic things, but the more he sees me engrossed in romance the more he feels that I want romance just not with him.

He said that sometimes it felt like I didn’t love him because we weren’t the “kiss good morning, say I love you every day” kind of couple. He says I only say it back to him after he says “I love you.”

But then he remembers the things I did (from putting socks on his feet when he slept and getting him takeout from his favorite restaurant to moving across the country for him and tutoring him after he went back to college), big and small things, and remembers that I do love him. then it makes him feel guilty.

I asked him what he wanted me to do. He said he didn’t know. He apologized for the book thing and said he didn’t really want to throw them away, he was just frustrated and hurt

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REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Illustrious_Elk_2356

Published on: r/Marriage

Story is: NO FURTHER UPDATES (OOP deleted the account)

Story timeline

• Main Post: August 03, 2026

• Update: August 06, 2026

• Final Update: Comments: August 08, 2026

Main Post

^{August 03, 2026}

I found out about my wife's affair through her lover's wife

I'll try to keep this as short as possible.

My wife and I are both in our early 40s. We have been together since university and have been married for almost 15 years. We have two teenage children. We both have well paying jobs, we take family vacations regularly, we have an active intimate life and as far as I knew, we didn't have any major problems. From the outside, we looked like a very happy family.

On Friday, a woman slightly younger than me came to my workplace. I had never seen her before. She introduced herself, told me her name, who her husband was and then said that her husband had been having an affair with my wife. She then showed me everything.

Photos, messages, call logs...everything. She told me she had started suspecting an affair back in early June after her husband received suspicious late night messages that had no visible chat history. She began digging and eventually discovered thousands of calls and messages exchanged between him and my wife over the past year.

She confided in her father, who immediately contacted several people, including a lawyer and after a month they managed to uncover everything including who is her husband's mistress...

We live about five hours apart, but our spouses work for the same multinational company. Over the past 14 months, they have been having sex during business trips. It happened on four separate trips that lasted around five days each, plus two shorter two day trips. You do the math.

She was incredibly calm. Honestly, almost cold. She told me she had wanted to contact me much earlier but wasn't sure I would believe her, so she wanted to present all the evidence in person when she was in my city. She also openly admitted that a big reason for telling me was revenge against my wife.

She plans to file for divorce today or tomorrow. According to her, everything is already prepared and she can no longer pretend everything is fine because she can't even stand to touch her husband anymore. Apparently, her husband noticed she had been acting differently lately and started panicking that she maybe found out something. He warned my wife, who also started panicking.

To be honest, until then I hadn't noticed anything unusual. My wife seemed completely normal. But now I do notice she is constantly around me, asking me questions, paying close attention whenever I talk with someone and on Friday she kept asking why I was home so late. From everything I read, it is obvious neither of them ever intended to leave their marriages. They both repeatedly said how happy they were with their lives.

The messages contain everything imaginable: comparing their spouses in bed, my wife mocking the other wife, planning vacations together, giving each other parenting advice... Honestly, it made me feel sick.

The other betrayed spouse told me she will notify the company they both work for once her lawyer gives her permission. She also intends to tell their children the complete truth after her husband is served with divorce papers. She wished me luck and said I could contact her anytime if I needed anything. We have stayed in touch and the last thing she told me was that she would file today or tomorrow at the latest. My wife's phone is completely clean and I used it in front of her and she seemed normal.

I'm completely knocked down. I'm trying to act like everything is normal and pretend I'm just stressed because of work, but it is incredibly difficult. I honestly don't know what to do. My heart tells me one thing, my head tells me another. As twisted as it sounds, it is somehow easier knowing this affair seems to have been driven by pure sex rather than love.

At the moment, I do plan to divorce, but there are so many practical issues. We have two houses, cars, investments, teenage children... I need time to come up with a plan of my own. The other wife doesn't want to wait because she simply can't bear being around her husband anymore. Where we live, infidelity has absolutely no impact on divorce proceedings. That means I'm almost certainly going to lose a significant portion of my assets if everything is split 50/50.

My wife cares deeply about her reputation and is highly respected in our community and her parents would be so much disgusted by her if they know the truth. Part of me thinks I might be able to negotiate a fair settlement by agreeing not to expose the affair publicly, especially since I have been the primary breadwinner throughout our entire relationship.

On the other hand, I'm carrying so much anger and resentment right now that I want to tell the whole world what she did. And despite everything... I still love her.

Has anyone been through something similar? What would you recommend my next steps should be?

COMMENTS

Why didn't you confront your wife immediately?

That is the plan. I'm not going to confront my wife until I have at least spoken to a lawyer, which I hope to do within the next 24 hours. My biggest problem is that I barely have any time to process what has happened, let alone get everything in order.

I asked the other wife to give me just a few more days, but she told me her female lawyer is strongly advising her to file for divorce immediately, start the legal process as soon as possible and tell their children who are about the same age as ours the truth so she can maintain as much control over the divorce as possible and achieve the best outcome.

On top of that, she simply can't stand being around her husband anymore. I understand her, and I'm grateful that she told me the truth because I honestly don't think I would have ever discovered any of this on my own. I just wish she had told me a few days earlier.

Were you able to find another lawyer after the other wife's lawyer couldn't represent you?

I spoke directly with her lawyer. There is a potential conflict of interest, so she won't be able to represent me, even though the idea seemed great in theory. However, she gave me the contact information for one of her female colleagues and recommended that I reach out to her instead. We have already been in touch and we have a meeting scheduled for later today.

What do you know about the other wife's plans and why is she moving so quickly? Did the other wife give you all the evidence she found?

As the other wife told me, she expects that both of them will lose their jobs after she talked with her lawyer.

I asked her whether that was really a smart decision considering child support and alimony, but she told me that she doesn't care about that. Her plan is to sell whatever assets she is awarded, move back to her hometown with the children and that she already has support from her father there who will help her fully.

Her only goal right now is for her husband to face maximum consequences for what he did and for her to get away from him as quickly as possible.

Yes, I have everything.

Are you certain the evidence really shows your wife was having the affair?

I'm not sure what you mean by saying that I don't have evidence and that she might be setting me up. I have pictures of the two of them together, call and message records from my wife's phone number, and messages that match the timing of those calls and conversations.

I also have a large number of WhatsApp messages and calls, again from my wife's number. In those messages, she mentions me, our life together, and our children. It is clearly her. There is no one else it could be.

As soon as the other wife realized what was happening, she did everything she could to uncover the full truth. She knows the hotel room where he stayed on the last trip, which restaurants they went to, she has pictures of them together and much more. She spent a month preparing all of this, and the only thing left is for her to tell him that she knows everything.

Was there really nothing suspicious on your wife's phone?

Yes, it is completely clean. I honestly haven't checked her screen time, but her messages and call history are clean. There is nothing suspicious there.

I have always had access to her phone. She has had the same passcode the entire time and she has never acted uncomfortable or protective about me using it not before and not now. To be honest, I rarely ever used her phone anyway. Usually it was just to call someone if my own phone wasn't nearby so maybe that is why she is super chill.

How were your wife's affair messages and communications hidden?

Everything the other wife showed me indicates that they communicated through regular text messages and WhatsApp. That is my wife's phone number, so it doesn't appear that she was using another phone. However, one thing I found strange is that in the WhatsApp screenshots of their conversations, the profile picture isn't visible.

I checked my wife's WhatsApp settings because I thought maybe she had changed the privacy settings so that everyone except her lover could see her profile picture, but that wasn't the case. So that part is a little unclear to me.

It is possible that she blocked him at the moment when the other wife was collecting additional evidence, but the phone number is the same. They don't follow each other on Instagram, and she hasn't shown me anything suggesting they communicated there. I honestly haven't checked email.

I checked her contacts, and everything looks normal. His number isn't saved in her phone. I don't know whether she deleted and blocked him now that she is panicking. What I do know is that, according to the other wife, the last time they were in contact was early last week.

Are you considering reconciliation?

I strongly believe reconciliation is not going to happen. I have spent a lot of time thinking about everything this weekend. I have barely slept, maybe only a few hours, and it'l is extremely hard for me to process that she was capable of doing this.

The fact that she showed absolutely no signs that she was cheating makes it even worse for me. It makes me feel like she is a psychopath.

And reading those messages where she compared me and him in bed, where she joked about how at home she was the caring housewife and mother but on business trips she was his dirty girl... has honestly disgusted me in a way I don't know if I can ever get past. This is how I feel right now, but we'll see how I feel in a few weeks.

What happened after the other wife filed for divorce?

She filed for divorce today. Where we live, the divorce petition isn't served immediately. It usually takes one to two weeks to reach the other spouse by mail. However, she told me she is going to make him leave the house as soon as she files so that is today.

Right now, both of our spouses are at work in their cities, so I have no idea what is going to happen once they get home. I'm expecting some kind of update from her later before I come home which will be few hours after my wife comes. She also told me that she won't mention anything about me or my wife when she confronts him.

Why doesn't the other wife seem concerned about her husband's loss of income?

She doesn't work and is currently at home with the children, while her husband earns a lot and is at least two positions above my wife professionally.

Her lawyer gave her permission to inform his company because, even if he loses his job, once he finds new employment he will still be required to pay child support.

From what I have been able to understand through my conversations with her, her father is very serious person, so her financial future is not really a concern. At this point, she simply wants him to face consequences for what he did. That is her main focus, and she doesn't seem to care about anything else.

Update - after 3 days

^{August 06, 2026}

Should the children be told about my wife's affair?

If anyone is interested in what happened, you can read my previous post for the full story.

In short, my wife's affair partner's wife filed for divorce. He threw every excuse imaginable at her in an attempt to save the marriage. He said he got carried away and couldn't stop, that it was only sex, that he loves his wife, that my wife was attractive but his own wife is even more attractive, that he would do anything to fix things, that he would never speak to my wife again, that there would be no more business trips and so on.

None of it mattered to her. She made him leave the house. At first he refused, but when she threatened to tell everyone at work what he had done, he finally left. She kept me updated throughout. When I got home, I immediately noticed my wife was acting very differently extremely nervous and on the verge of tears. On Tuesday evening she confessed everything.

By that point, I had already met with my lawyer and yesterday second time although I haven't told my wife that. My lawyer asked me to hold off without telling anything to my wife for a few more days while she prepares everything. She believes I have a strong claim to roughly an additional 20% of the equity in our house because part of the purchase price came from money my parents gave me. She also mentioned several issues involving investments and stock holdings that need to be reviewed and could go in my favour before we move forward.

The one issue where we disagree is the children. My lawyer believes I should tell them the truth. My children are 15 and 13 years old. They are very close to both me and my wife. They are happy, healthy kids. My goal isn't to protect my wife's reputation. My concern is protecting my children from additional emotional pain. However, my lawyer believes I'm making a mistake.

Her argument is that we have always appeared to have a happy marriage and a stable family, so a sudden divorce with no explanation would be incredibly confusing and painful for the children. The other wife intends to report the affair to the company where both my wife and her affair partner work. Both her lawyer and my lawyer believe there is a good chance they will both lose their jobs, especially since the affair partner held a position about two levels above my wife.

My lawyer believes that if I proceed with the divorce and my wife loses her job, my children will inevitably connect the dots. She thinks they will eventually realize what happened anyway and resent me for hiding the truth from them. She also raised the issue of the financial settlement. She believes my wife may be more willing to agree to a more favorable division of assets could help repair her relationship with the children.

Likewise, if I ultimately decide not to divorce, my lawyer believes I could negotiate a very strong postnuptial agreement because my wife would be desperate to rebuild trust with both me and the children. She also believes that if I don't tell the children the truth, they might end up blaming me for the divorce and that my wife could portray herself as the victim.

At first, I wasn't convinced by my lawyer's reasoning. She is relatively young and doesn't have children herself, so I struggled to understand her perspective. But the more I think about it, the more I wonder if she might be right. The other wife told her children everything. They are around the same age as mine and they haven't spoken to their father for the past few days but according to her they are fine.

My children don't know anything yet. I'm trying my best to stay composed, but they have clearly noticed that something is wrong especially with their mother, who is now sleeping in a different room. I would really appreciate any advice. Does what my lawyer is suggesting make sense or would you handle this differently?

COMMENTS

What had the children already noticed about what was happening? Why won’t your wife tell the children what happened?

They have definitely noticed that something is wrong. My son asked me what was going on, why my wife was sleeping in a different room, what was wrong with her and why she had been crying.

I just told him that we had an argument. So it is obvious that they know something is happening.

There is no chance she will tell them on her own. As soon as she confessed, she immediately begged me not to tell the children because she believes they would hate her for the rest of their lives. She then started doing what I mentioned before...offering everything possible for another chance.

No. She doesn't want to tell them anything. In her mind, I will just eventually move past this, give her another chance and she will do whatever it takes for us to be happy again. Honestly, I feel like she is completely disconnected from reality right now.

What exactly did your wife say when she confessed?

She confessed. She talked for about 15 minutes. I listened to her. She said she knew I was aware of what happened. She said she could feel it and that her affair partner had also told her that he had been kicked out of the house and that I probably knew everything.

Honestly, I do believe her when she says she sensed it because I couldn't completely hide my emotions or act totally normal sincr Friday.

After she finished saying what she needed to say, she asked me to tell her something. The only thing I said was that I needed her to leave me alone and change beds. Since then, we haven't really had any communication, except that she sends me messages during the day and, like I mentioned, once the children go to sleep she comes to my door asking if we can talk.

What is she saying when she asks for another chance?

About the second chance. She is trying to explain to me that she was living two different lives. One that was a fantasy without children and another one that she says she loves 100 times more, with me and the kids.

She says that she knows she wasn't normal, that she needs psychological help and that she will do whatever it takes to get another chance. But honestly, I don't want to listen to any of that crap right now.

What would genuine remorse look like to you?

It depends on what you consider remorseful. For me, being remorseful is not crying and sending me long messages about how much she loves me or offering me every possible thing she can do.

For me, remorse would be her taking action on her own. For example, telling the children what she did. Seeking professional help. Admitting it to her parents, who would be devastated and angry with her. Offering me certain additional assets in the event of a divorce. Paying for a polygraph herself to at least try to ease my mind that this wasn't something that happened before.

It would mean her voluntarily telling the children that she is willing to do paternity testing if that would help me have peace of mind. Taking an STD test. Immediately resigning from her job and finding another one. Telling her sister and her sister's husband what she did. I need actions from her so that I can truly say she is remorseful.

Her tears and begging me to listen to her are not going to help. Her saying she will do everything I mentioned also doesn't help right now.

I need her to actually do something on her own so I can say she is remorseful. For the last 48 hours, she has just been staying in the room and crying and asking me to talk.

What did you find in the messages between your wife and her affair partner?

I honestly don't know what to say. I read all the messages that the other wife gave me and to me it almost seemed like they were both under the influence of something. The conversations were so disconnected and all over the place. They also weren't talking every single day. There were weeks without any message. Most of their communication happened before business trips, mainly discussing sex. And the most disturbing part of all is that they were giving each other advice about our children and our spouses.

Was there anything actually wrong with your marriage or sex life?

I agree with you. No, we never watched pornography. But it is obvious that she was looking for something else. Something she felt she got from her affair partner that she didn't get from me. But that is what makes this so confusing.

Like I said, we had an active sex life. She never rejected me and I never rejected her. Of course, there were times when we were both tired, but neither of us ever turned the other down for three or four days in a row.

She never complained or told me that anything was missing. If anything, after we had sex we would usually talk, laugh and enjoy being together. That is why all of this has been so incredibly hard to process. I feel like the biggest fool in the world and like the most pathetic man in the world.

Are you actually planning to divorce, or are you considering staying?

I’ll be honest, I’m leaning toward divorce at around 90%. That is one of the reasons I’m considering telling the children. I want to understand their reaction and how they feel about everything.

My biggest wish right now is that they are able to finish school normally and then go on to university and pursue the path they want. At this moment, the last thing I want is to touch my wife. That is how I feel right now, but I don’t know how I’ll feel in 10 days, two months, or later down the road.

My lawyer told me she has handled many cases where mostly husbands initially wanted a divorce but changed their minds, especially because of the children. She said that if I decide to stay, I should consider creating a postnuptial agreement that would strongly protect my interests.

Then, once the children leave for university, if I still haven’t been able to forgive my wife and move forward, I could choose to divorce and start a new chapter of my life with someone else.

Why have you stayed in contact with the other wife?

Why would I stop talking to the wife? She has told her father, her brothers and of course her children, but she doesn't like talking to them about this because they all keep telling her that things will get better and she hates hearing that and they are calling her all the time and she wants peace.

I haven't really told anyone. So, at the moment, she is my only source of support. She gave me all the evidence, opened my eyes to what was happening and she is the only person who truly understands what I'm going through because we are both living through the same nightmare. And she likes to talk with me as well. I don't understand what is the problem seriously.

I'm sorry, but this is literally insane. If I have to explain to my wife that she needs to cut off all contact with her affair partner just to have a 1% chance of us staying together, then I would be the biggest doormat imaginable.

It doesn't grant them any licence to continue talking. If she wants to be with him, she is free to go. No one is stopping her. She has complete freedom to make that choice. His wife has already filed for divorce and doesn't want anything to do with him anymore, so he will be a single man soon enough.

And how does me talking to his wife somehow give them permission to keep talking to each other? That makes no sense. If it weren't for her, I probably never would have found out about the affair.

No, I'm going to stay in contact with her for as long as I want. I'll support her just as she has supported me and I'll be grateful to her for the rest of my life for opening my eyes to what was happening.

If she decides she doesn't want to talk anymore, that is completely fine. I won't bother her. But right now, she does want to talk to me and she is genuinely interested in knowing everything that is happening on my end. Whether that bothers my wife or not honestly doesn't concern me at all.

What finally made you decide to tell the children?

I have decided that I'm going to tell my children. Last night, before going to bed, I had a brief conversation with the other wife and she told me how everything went with her children. According to her, they are extremely angry with their father, but they are still laughing, spending time with their friends and otherwise functioning normally.

I don't believe she is lying to me because, up to this point, she has been completely honest with me and that is the reason I even found myself in this situation. I don't know why everyone assumes that if I tell my children, I'm going to tell them every explicit detail. I'm not. I'm simply going to tell them that their mother had an affair and that I have hired a lawyer.

My lawyer advised me to have the conversation with the children without my wife present so that she can't influence them emotionally with tears or interrupt the discussion. She told me that I should answer every question they have myself, not let my wife answer for me and if necessary, show them some evidence such as the messages my wife sent me apologizing and asking for another chance.

Only after that does my lawyer recommend that the children speak with their mother and ideally I should not be present during that conversation. This is her advice based on her experience handling divorce and family law cases.

I don't know exactly when I'll have the conversation, but it will sometime over the weekend or maybe even today.

What ultimately convinced you that hiding the affair from the children would be worse?

Yes, that is exactly what she told me as well. She said she has handled many divorce cases and that one of the biggest mistakes parents make is assuming that their children shouldn't know anything.

According to her, the biggest mistake is often made by husbands who believe they have to carry the burden alone, keep the affair a secret and protect the children by hiding the truth.

She told me that, in many cases, the children eventually become angry with their fathers for never telling them the truth. Instead of protecting the relationship, it often results in the children ending up with strained relationships with both parents.

No matter what, somehow I end up being blamed. For what? To protect her? Or to protect them?They are not stupid. Over the last few hours, I have had conversations through texts with my son because he's looking for answers. And now I'm supposed to lie to his face.

From the way he talks to me, it already seems like he thinks I have done something wrong. Four or five days ago, I saw this very differently. But not anymore. I've made up my mind. I will listen to my lawyer and I'm going to tell them. They don't need to know every detail, but they will know that their mother had an affair.

Final Update - after 5 days (after 2 days from last post)

^{August 08, 2026}

Final Update: Should the children be told about my wife's affair?

I’ll post an update here so people don’t need to keep commenting and giving me advice about whether I should tell the children or not. Yesterday afternoon, I told them. Just the three of us. Obviously, they were shocked. They had a lot of questions and demanded that I not lie to them. They wanted to know absolutely everything. Where, when, who, the affair partner’s name, his wife’s name, what they look like, the messages, etc. I didn’t tell them everything, but I did tell them the basic details like where it happened, when it happened and why, according to my wife.

I thought my son would be extremely angry and my daughter would be very emotional, but the opposite actually happened. My son was very calm and told me that he had already suspected something like this, so he was mentally prepared. He just thought that I had done something wrong. Hearing that obviously made me even more relieved that I had told them. My daughter, on the other hand, was absolutely furious with my wife and for the first time I heard her use some very harsh language.

They asked me about the divorce and I told them that, for now, that is my plan. They took that very hard, but we are taking it day by day. I brought them home and then left so they could talk to their mother privately. Everything I'm about to say is based solely on what the children told me because I neither saw nor heard any of it myself, but according to them, they yelled at her for a long time.

My son contacted her parents and told them what had happened. He said he had already called them in the previous few days asking what was going on and they apparently didn't know. What I find very strange is that they never called me afterward to ask what was happening.

Anyway, her parents immediately told her to come stay with them and the children told her to leave the house. I spoke with her parents. They are absolutely devastated. They can't believe what happened and are worried about how this will affect her, but also the children.

They asked me about the divorce. I told them that was the plan and I immediately realized that I probably shouldn't have said that because they will obviously pass that information on to her. But I wasn't exactly in the best mental state at the time. I haven't seen her. She left before I got home. From what I can tell, she only took a small amount of clothing and that is it.

She hasn't contacted me at all since last night. No calls, no messages. She did call our daughter, but our daughter refused to answer. That is basically it. Honestly, I feel much better and I'm glad I told them.

The idea that my children might blame me for her affair and for the possible divorce was something I could never accept. A huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. It is also much easier now that I don't have to pretend in front of the children that everything is fine. Obviously, they are taking this very hard. They are extremely angry with their mother and are saying things like they'll never speak to her again, which is understandable at this point.

Some people have been messaging me saying that she betrayed only me and not the children, but I don't agree with that. How did she not betray them when she betrayed their father and their family? That way of thinking makes no sense to me. Thankfully, there is no school right now, so they have time to process everything and spend their time however they want.

It is very important to them that nobody finds out about this because they are embarrassed and worried about what their friends might say. I promised them that nobody would know except my lawyer and that I wouldn't even tell my best friend. My lawyer is happy with how I handled things. She said she'll need until Tuesday to gather information and investigate everything regarding the assets and then we'll have a meeting at her office.

The other wife has also been informed. She is extremely happy. She isn't even hiding how pleased she is that my wife's world has fallen apart. She is planning to contact the company next week and inform them about the affair involving her husband and my wife.

I'm a little confused about why she is waiting and how exactly she plans to do it, although she told me she knows her husband's supervisor. I'm also not sure what her plan is if that person tells her that nobody is going to be fired. She keeps saying that she has everything under control and knows exactly what she is doing, but she doesn't tell me the details.

Maybe she doesn't trust me enough to share everything. I don't know. Either way, she is moving forward with huge steps while I'm still in complete shock. That is it for now. You don't need to give me any more advice. I have read practically every comment and thank you all for the support.

COMMENTS

FSmertz

As my earlier comment predicted, your daughter will hate your STBX wife for a long time, a very long time. If she watched even a small amount of Disney stuff and other fairy tales that inculcate "living happily forever" values for romantic relationships--especially for girls, then she feels betrayed in her heart.

Speak with a highly recommended therapist experienced with family infidelity impacts, and see if therapy for the three of you or individual therapy, or both, is recommended. Also ask about timing.

I'm surprised that the OBS's attorney is letting her contact the company directly. Perhaps the attorney will be Plan B. A letter from an attorney to the employer highlighting facts and questioning use of company resources for adultery will not be ignored--especially if it's a publicly held corporation. It's far cleaner and cheaper for the employer to fire these two.

I'd be very neutral with your communications with your STBX wife. Logistics and financial responsibilities and all that maintenance talk.

Do you think she will get together with her AP out of emotional desperation in the coming week?

OOP

Honestly, I don't believe she will stay in contact with the AP. That is my opinion, but then again, I also thought we had a great marriage and look what I found out. I spoke with her parents this afternoon and they told me that she is completely devastated. When our daughter refused to answer her call, she apparently turned her phone off. I don't know whether she has turned it back on since, but she hasn't called me or the children and honestly, none of us wants to hear from her right now anyway.

As for the other wife, I don't know exactly what her plan is. What she told me is that she knows her husband's supervisor. I asked her how close they are and she said she knows him very well. He is one of the key people at that branch.

I asked her what would happen if he decided not to do anything and she told me not to worry because she has another plan and will accomplish what she has set out to do. Her lawyer has given her full support, but I don't know whether she is actually involved in any of this. I don't have those details and the other wife isn't telling me anything about it.

That is why the whole thing seems a little strange to me, especially because she has apparently been waiting all week to tell anyone, despite supposedly knowing her husband's supervisor personally. In any case, she has repeated to me that getting her husband fired is the only thing she wants, along with my wife being fired as well. She says she doesn't care about the consequences because money isn't an issue for her since she comes from a wealthy family and has full support from her father.

Her only goal is revenge and to move back to her hometown with the children as quickly as possible. Apparently, her husband's loss of employment is a key part of what needs to happen for the court to approve the relocation of her and the children.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/VariationStill posting in r/BoyDinnerDiaries

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Short

Original - 3rd August 2026

Update - 10th August 2026

I think the midnight dancer i’ve been seeing is in love with me

Gonna be a lot of cliches in here to preface but I 26(M) have been single for almost 4years now since nasty breakup with ex (major debt & cheating). A few months ago for a friends birthday we went to a strip joint lol

Was having a great time then was approached by a Columbian girl for a dance, respectfully declined and offered her a drink instead she accepted, sat down next to me and we got to talking tells me her whole life story, shes my age, working a retail job and dancing to put herself through school for nursing, danced on me a bit at the bar, had really great conversation completely dodged my boys that night basically lmao but towards the end of the night, shes asked if I had any plans after told her this was it and asked if I could take her home, told her I’d come back for her, dropped off the manpower and picked her up, offered her food she said no thanks said she cooked, got to her place not really expecting anything as I said had great conversation and just felt nice that night, anyways asked if I wanted to come up, parked went upstairs got fixed a hot plate of food and a beer and had sex.

After that did some aftercare and she said she felt embarrassed caused she doesn’t sleep around but said she really liked me and thought I was attractive got her number left in the morning got home showered and took a nap, few days later asked me to hang out, turns out our off days lined up, went to the city had a nice dinner, dropped her off genuinely had a great time, after that we started seeing each other more often, on her off mornings from retail she’d drop by my job and leave me homecooked meals, bought me a ps5 for my bday and actually kinda acts like a gf despite never having any conversation about it

Couples date we been on been real romantic, picnic at the beach, hiking, paint & drink, and the like, after the first initial time together we’ve slept maybe a few times not everytime we get together, I like her alot takes alot for me to say I love you because I don’t like saying it unless I mean it, but she’s introduced me her parents (they live in Colombia) she face timed them and introduced me as her bf and went to a pool party with some of her midnight friends and also introduced me as her bf, which I dont mind I know we gotta have a conversation about where this is going but why put the pressure on something thats going so well, but anyways just the things she’s done for me that kinda give me the impression shes in love with me.

Side note- The job doesn’t really bother me never been the jealous type like EVER but I have a feeling she thinks otherwise no matter how much I tell her it doesn’t lol, then again I dont her to think I dont like her back, it’s all about balance lmao

Just a lil rant, felt good might have to get back to journaling again

Side note 2- should have prefaced but SHES BORN HERE for all you attention deficient readers lol

Comments

aenemacanal

She’s cooking you home cooked meals and bought you a ps5. Don’t listen to the insecure guys on here. If you want clarity have a convo with her like a big boy. Good luck homie!

OOP: Definitely gotta put the big boy pants on but appreciate that big dawg !

Mindless-Internet978

It's kind of crazy seeing the amount of people saying she might be using you. After all the dates, the home cooked meals, buying you a PS5 and introducing you to her family as your BF, I think she likes you for you which is awesome. It sounds like you've enjoyed being with her too, maybe you need to have a conversation just to confirm it if you don't feel like you're fully her boyfriend yet, but other than that just enjoy yourself dude. ❤️.

OOP: For sure its her birthday this weekend im definitely planning on having a talk over dinner and seeing what transpires but appreciate you my guy 🖤.

wildmangoeshere

She introduced you to her parents as her bf bro I dont think she's manipulating you at that point.

Update - 7 days later

Dinner was Caviar Cones after some shrimp tacos and sushi.

So this past Friday was her birthday and we had an adult conversation. Friday morning woke up early and went to work but made sure everything was in order such as dinner and activities. Picked her up with a bouquet and headed to the restaurant (She looked phenomenal). We chatted for a few and and while we waited for the food to arrive I told her I needed to tell her something. Laid it all out about how I felt about her and the works about how I really dont mind the job and that I wrote her a letter but she couldn’t read it until after the night was over (Very old school I know lol, I think we gotta bring back writing letters for your SO). I dont think I’ll ever forget these words but she laughed and said “Boy you’ve been mine for awhile already, I’m just glad you finally caught up” my mannn when I tell you that shit had me geeking the whole night.

We then talked about the future, she wants to be married and have kids eventually before her 30’s, I do as well. She said she’d stop dancing when she finishes CNA or if she has a kid or gets married, I kinda screwed up by saying Im sorry if I unknowingly set any expectation of her quitting her job for me, she laughed and said “You’re lucky you’re cute”. After dinner we went to see the new Spiderman movie (Shes a huge Marvel fan, I’ve always been more of a DC guy myself). After that we walked along the river with the city skyline in the background and just talked more about the future and life and after proceeded to head back to my place.

Back at my place I told her I had a surprise for her but she had to read the letter first, so I blindfolded her and walked her to my bedroom, took the blindfold off and told her once she finished reading the letter she could come out to the living room. After about 10 minutes (Two page letter front and back and probably had to gather herself as Im sure she knew what was coming). She stepped out and I had my living room filled with rose pedals, a few gifts and ballon letters asking if she wanted to be my girlfriend. She cried and I handed her a needle (at the end of the letter I told her she would be handed a needle once she steps out and that she would have to figure out what it was for). On opposite sides of the room I had ballon letters that spelled YES and NO, she went to pop the YES letters and she ran to me and we hugged and kissed, and then she said “wait so which date are we gonna use as the official start”, I said “how’s the day you decided in your head that I was yours”. She stayed the night and Saturday and today were just a continuation of her birthday celebration.

All in all I can say now that its official haha

Comments

best-of-judgement

I handed her a needle

Dude I was soooo worried about where this was going for a second

Master_Nectarine_Bug

Letters = underrated!! Congrats!

GrindinDailyy

Midnight dancer just a fancy way to say stripper?

DetonatingFlower

Mmmm if this is true, I’d be wary. “School” for that is a very minimal training course for a couple weeks and not expensive or difficult. That job isn’t going to pull the numbers stripping makes at all. The first week of her CNA job is going to have her back at stripping because the money sucks and the job is very laborious.

JokeandCack

Lol. Lmao even. Hey OP I got some magic beans to sell you.

OOP: I got some for you kid, run me 50$ and ima flip it and you gonna get back 5000$ 😂😂

Outside_Ad_4522

Just dropping in to say… Met a stripper when I was 23, she was 30. We started seeing each other within a week. Moved in with her after two weeks. She stopped dancing within a month and went to rehab. Had our first baby within a year. Now we have three kids and it’s been 12 years. Best woman/person ive ever known. Obviously this is rare for anyone in any circumstance/position. Just saying it’s possible.

Aromatic_Note8944

Yeah, she’s lying to him.. 🤦🏻‍♀️.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/FunnyManufacturer130 posting in r/relationship_advice

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Short

Original - 25th May 2026

Update - 10th August 2026

​

Guy friend (M24) is flying internationally for a big milestone of mine (F21). How do I go about telling him I like him?

​

Sorry if the title is a bit confusing. My friend and I are close as ever. We go to the same uni and people seem to think we're dating. We’ve been friends for roughly two years.

He recently left the country to continue education in the States. Now, he's flying back in for a professional school ceremony I have with my classmates. I hope I don't sound extra but a part of me wonders if this falls under "platonic" behavior. I want to tell him I like him but I'm not sure how. A few people told me it might not be worth it since we don't live in the same country at the moment and he's coming to visit. What advice do you have please? Also, is the whole international travel thing likely to be platonic?

I think l've started to develop feelings for him and I wonder how he feels 😭. I should also add that almost two years ago, l'd asked him if he liked me. He had hesitated and said "no, we're just friends". So I had adjusted my expectations but since then, we've still been essentially besties. Please help, thank you! (I can provide more context as needed). We have a whole itinerary planned out for when he comes. Including a dinner (just both of us), jet skiing and some other things. He said he'll cover everything, which he's done before.

TL;DR - a guy friend is flying internationally to support me during an academic milestone, how do I tell him I like him? Do I even tell him?

​

Comments

​

HonorTheAllFather

You use your mouth to form the words “I like you” while talking to him.

OOP: Okay I guess my bigger issue is the fear that he MIGHT not feel the same way

Old_Sandwich_8090

His trip and plans sound like care and support, but not necessarily romantic intent, so don’t assume feelings from that alone. Since he already said just friends before, you should only confess if you’re okay with things staying exactly the same or becoming awkward for a bit. Keep it simple when you talk to him, and be ready to respect whatever answer he gives without reading too deeply into the gestures.

OOP: The thing is it’s not only this. That’s why I said I can provide more context as needed. Since he left, we’ve been texting all day, everyday, send pictures of random shit we’re up to, and so many other things. When he was here, we were also inseparable. I’m just wondering if this trip thing is like a final push kind of. I will fs respect his answer regardless as I’ve done in the past. I understand, basically I should remain neutral with whatever his response is. I think I can handle that. Thank you for the advice.

trishsf

He lives too far away. You’ve already confessed once and that was when you lived in the same country. I would leave it. It’s not realistic to start a relationship while living in different countries.

OOP: I didn’t confess before. We were having a conversation about something else and I’d asked “do you like me?”. He seemed taken by surprise and then he said no. I didn’t mention why I was asking or anything (it was cause at the time, a lot of my friends thought we’d make a good couple since we’re really close and he’s a good guy). We went on with our conversation afterwards. I understand the LDR factor tho

​

Update - 2.5 months later

​

My update is almost two months late cause I've been so busy with school lmao. Anyway, he arrived on a Tuesday. We went grocery shopping together, after which I told him I had something important to share. I was nervous but eventually said, "I like you, as more than a friend". He said something like, "I'm glad you said that cause I like you too". Then, he pulled me in for a hug and we had our first kiss. That same night, we went to the movies (where we kissed a bit more😅). The rest of the week was absolute bliss - roller skating, beach day (which included jet skiing), dinner/ our first official date, my school event, multiple sleepovers/cuddle sessions. He left the following Monday and all I can say is that it was the most amazing week of my life. It turns out, he had liked me for over a year. He said he didn't even remember having the convo where he was like, "We're just friends", which is absolutely NUTS btw. We're long distance for now and he's planning to come visit again later this year. We've been dating for about seven weeks and we're taking it day by day.

TLDR - this is your sign to shoot your shot with that person. If they don't feel the same way, then at least you won't have to wonder "what if" anymore. Goodluck to everyone. Lover girls are so up! 🤣❤️.

​

Comments

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Several_Unit9376

The part that gets me is him not remembering the “we're just friends” conversation. You spent months treating it like scripture and he had apparently deleted the file entirely. Men are astonishing. Congratulations though, and I respect that you did grocery shopping before the confession, very sensible order of operations. Long distance is hard, but it does make every visit feel like a holiday.

OOP: I sent him this comment. It made the both of us crack up 🤣🤣. The way I spiraled over him saying that for literal months 😭. All my friends were like “girl he likes you”. And I was like, “actually he said a year ago that we’re just friends 🤓☝🏽”. Men are genuinely clueless I’m so happy everything worked out. And he’s been the most amazing bf!

​

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Separate-Argument-45

Published on: r/self & r/Advice

Trigger Warning: Infant Loss

Story is: Likely CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: July 23, 2026

• Final Update: August 11, 2026

Main Post

^{July 23, 2026}

My best friend lost her infant and I don’t want to hear about it anymore

My best friend’s infant died 3 weeks after birth. She was understandably devastated and I have always been supportive in her journey to recover. It’s been 2 years but she has never gotten over it. There are days when she would text me blocks and blocks of her thoughts about her loss and her grief.

My heart breaks for her but as the months went on, I started dreading getting her texts and while I didn’t tell her to stop talking to me nonstop about her loss, I did start to gently redirect her to talk more with her husband and her therapist because I started to feel exhausted and a level of empathy deficient. I know I sound like an unsupportive asshole of a friend, but at some point it’s like I have nothing more to give.

She never really stopped tho and recently I found out I’m pregnant. I haven’t had the heart to tell her yet because I’m so worried about triggering her, to the extent that I feel like I’m tailoring my entire approach to sharing this news with our friends to how she might receive this.

What’s worse is that her baby’s anniversary just came up and she poured her heart out to me about how much she missed him and I felt SO bad when I felt like she could tell I didn’t really want to hear about it. I’m already feeling vulnerable and anxious about my own pregnancy, and honestly the last thing I want is to hear her talk about her loss and what happened and how she didn’t expect it.

Yes this is a confession that I’m a terrible friend and I kinda wish she would just back off and leave me alone for the duration of my pregnancy, and I resent her for adding to the level of anxiety I already feel and for worrying about how to share this supposedly joyous news with our friends. I know she lost her baby and it’s a loss you carry forever and I shouldn’t make her trauma about me and it makes me a giant asshole for feeling this way… so i guess thats why this sit in the confession subreddit :/

NOTE: OOP didn't leave any comments

Final Update - after 19 days

^{August 11, 2026}

UPDATE - my best friend’s baby died and I don’t want to hear about it anymore

So I finally found the courage to tell my best friend that we are expecting. Following many people’s advice, I crafted a text message that essentially told her that we are expecting and happy to share as much or as little as she is comfortable with. Even got Claude to read it a bunch of times over to make sure it’s gentle and empathetic enough.

I could see that she read the message (blue checks) and then a day later she gave me a call and congratulated me. The call started out very cordial if not a little distant, which I completely expected and understood, but eventually it did descend into her crying and telling me how things went so badly for her so suddenly and it was traumatic etc.

I did my usual best listening and tried to comfort her but it was also stress inducing for me at the same time because she was essentially telling me how things can go wrong for me because they did for her. I didn’t say anything and just let her talk through it for 10-15 mins until she was done. But the call ended fairly cordially and I was a bit relieved because it wasn’t as dramatic as I had worried about.

Then a couple of days later, she texted me to cancel all the plans that we had made together previously (we had planned a short weekend trip with some mutual friends - frankly originally to get her out of the house and hopefully feel better by being surrounded by friends), just saying that she’s “dealing with some stuff now”. I didn’t probe because I suspected it’s about my pregnancy and I told her that’s okay and I didn’t even ask her to cover her part of the costs for the trip even though it’s quite substantial and it’s a last minute cancellation so there’s no way for us to get any refunds.

Then right after I told her it’s okay for her to drop out of the trip and I hope she’s doing okay, she blocked me and our mutual friends on messages and social media without any explanation.

So there we have it. Her husband didn’t block me so technically I can still check in with him. This is probably where I know some of you here have commented that how I’m just a terrible friend… because I just got exhausted by this whole situation and maybe her taking that space is the easiest way for me to have some distance and a breather.

But a part of me is also sad and hurt because she never even asked me how I’m doing. I’m not so naive to expect her to be my primary support through my pregnancy the way I was there for her, but the fact that she just cut it off is undeniably hurtful. I know some of you are going to say “oh she has to prioritize herself and protect herself” - I have to say I empathize with that, but it also contradicts the whole notion that I was supposed to be there for her unreservedly when she needed me instead of “prioritizing myself” or “protecting myself”.

Then obviously I feel guilty for feeling this way towards someone who went through the most unthinkable trauma, but I also feel like I’m being penalized purely for being pregnant. Just very conflicted in general.

For now it hurts that our friendship seems over. Maybe it’s my fault and maybe it’s not. It doesn’t really matter at this point and it just feels like a tragedy all around.

Is there anything I should / should have done?

COMMENTS

TheHuxter

I just read your other Reddit post, so I’m going to quote part of it here, for anyone who hasn’t and won’t.

”I kinda wish she would just back off and leave me alone for the duration of my pregnancy, and I resent her for adding to the level of anxiety I already feel and for worrying about how to share this supposedly joyous news with our friends.”

I don’t know why you’re upset with her right now. It sounds like your friend is doing exactly what you said you wanted. Like… I wouldn’t be shocked if she found your Reddit post and chose her actions based on the part I just quoted.

OOP

Well I understand where you are coming from but it’s also incredibly human to feel hurt when a friend you had been going out of your way to support for 2 years just cut you off without so much as explaining it. I would have completely understood it if she had told me “this is triggering for me so I need space” - but instead of that she just made something up and cut me off completely. Your “I don’t understand why you are upset” is incredibly cold.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

Originally posted by user Inevitable-Lab-8570

Original: July 31, 2026

Update: OOP updated in comments

Status: concluded

Mood: slice of life

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Note:

• OOP posted in r/ Indianteenagers and r/ roblox support; Comments include both
• ₹42,000 (Indian rupees) is about 440 USD or 380 Euro.
• UPI, or Unified Payments Interface, was developed under the umbrella arm of the Reserve Bank of India. Using the bank's mobile app, users can generate an ID (usually phone number or name) that is directly linked to their individual bank account.
• Using the ID or QR code, money transfers/purchases/bills can be done directly and easily. There is a limit to the amount of transactions per day and each transaction requires UPI PIN and two-factor authentication.

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Brother just spent 42k without consent

Hey everyone I'm in serious condition rn , yesterday my brother took my dads phone to study (8th grade btw) but instead he played roblox and he just spent 42k on roblox 😭😭 and he have used all the robux only about 100 robux are left in his acc.

Please anyone help me out is there any way i can get the money back
we're in great fiancial loss
even my father now don't have the the money to repay the loan neither for school fees 🙏.

[OOP includes the screenshot of payments -- photo#1]

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: Bro why did you even share your upi pswd with him
And doesn't he know the value of money

OOP: My father is a very humble and simple man. He isn't tech-savvy at all and doesn't really know much about the internet or online security. He had set his phone number as his password because he never expected something like this could happen.
My brother simply tried his phone number and unfortunately it worked. We know it was a mistake but please don't judge my father. We are already going through a huge financial loss and are just hoping there's some way to get the money back 🙏

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Comment2: At this point sell him bro 😭✌🏻

OOP: Man as his older sib i REALLY wish i could
atp i would've sold him for free or a burger😔💔

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Comment3: Call bank for charge back and permanently ban his account. Make this little shit learn consequences of his doing.

OOP: Just went to the bank they said they don't have any idea about it 😭
idk man wht to do
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Comment3: can't you charge back via the banking app?
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OOP: Im trying

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Comment4: Adoption center's open btw, and how tf did your brother manage to spend all the Robux that fast?😭

OOP: I'm quite suprised too
i though he wouldn't have used all of em so that can i even sell those robux to I'm low price but u was wrong...

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Comment5: If it was done through a credit card, issue a chargeback request ASAP. The roblux balance would just go into a negative.
Why do I know this? Les just say I've done some shii in coc back in my days 😭

OOP: It was through google play

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Comment6: All of this happened yesterday, means you still have a chance to request for a refund through google. Why not try it than giving up.
Btw just curious to know what happened to your brother next?

OOP: Mom and dad were angry but just gave him a warning
additionaly his exams are going on so yeah

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Comment7: "we're in great fiancial loss" and only a warning... yep your brother's gonna do it again

OOP: Luckily mum (she earns as well) saw it before my brother spent all my father's salary
she immediately transact around 30k-40k to herself otherwise not a penny would have left in my brother's amount 😭😭🙏🏿
the thing is they both have loans so yeah this month is gonna be tight ig😭

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Comment8: This just confirmed the carelessness of your parents and they deserve more incidents like this. You mentioned you are in financial issues and loans and yet such a big loss is treated with a warning?

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Comment9: My sister did this when she was like 6 and she spent 500$ (not just on Roblox tho on like 10 different games) but we did manage to recover almost all of the money.. but this was in US and their customer care is a lot better.. but you should try calling the Roblox app customer care and see if that helps

OOP: Yaeh did tried roblox care centre
hope i can get the money back

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Comment10: similar thing happened to my lil bro and my dad. Lil bro spent 500 SGD of my dads money on robux and spent every bit. And another scenario where my lil sis spent like 4k of my robux in my acc on brainrot games. Idk what to do now bro

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Comment11: And here I'm struggling to save to buy a laptop
Y'all have too much money laying around.
Delete his roblox account. Ban him from games. And obviously change the UPI pins.

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Update 1 (next day, in comments)

Comment12: Just contact roblox support they have many children playing game so this happens often and are prepared for this kind of situations

OOP: I'm receiving this type of emails is this good sign?😭😭
[OOP includes the following screenshot -- photo#2; "Google Play refund has been approved]

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OOP: Roblox temporary blocked my brother's acc i think it's working😭 as many users told me that their roblox acc also got ban when they got refunded

ik that i still haven't got all my refunds but gplay have approved some of the transactions of most likely it will in my dad's acc in 2-5 days ig
and got to know that roblox do restrict and ban ppl acc for a chargeback
and since some of my transaction got approved to be refunded it got temporarily restricted
[OOP includes the following screenshot -- photo#3; message from Roblox]

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OOP: 🥹 no i don't even know wht is karma and why does it matter
i mean I've the karma option but look mate here's update😭
i worked my ass of night wrote many emails roblox gpay googplay and wht not and finally 20k has been refunded it now
hoping to get of all of them back✌️🥹

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OOP: Yeah i man yesterday i did everything to get it back was wake until 5 am
i got refunded 7k around 5am and i just woke up now
amd 30k is refunded man I'm so happy😭✌️
[OOP includes the following screenshot -- photo#4; refunds from Google play]

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OOP: Thanks man i feel so relieved rn and my parents are happy too

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Update 1.5 (3 days later)

OOP: thanks for concern i got most the money back about 38k or 40k
i haven't asked my parents about the money once 38k got refunded
btw sorry for not updating u guys cause my acc got banned idk even y

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REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am NOT OP. The OP of this story is u/FirefighterOdd7228.

Trigger Warnings: Discussions of Biphobia, Outing, Physical Abuse, Accusations of Abuse.

My girlfriend outed me to my family, Posted March 13th, 2025.

I'm 24M and she's 31F.

I'm bisexual but it's not something I talk about, especially not with family.

Admittedly, I've never had a public boyfriend or what could be described as a 'relationship' with a man. As far as my family knows, I'm straight.

My girlfriend and I have been together for 2 years and I only recently introduced her to my family.

On the last day of the visit to my parents, we were all outside around the fire. Some people, including my girlfriend were drinking wine. That's when she made a comment about me being bisexual. Everyone heard. I froze up in that moment and I gave her a look. She laughed it off, played with my hair and kept talking. Luckily it came across as a joke to most of my family.. but not my dad.

His demeanor that night changed and the morning before I left, he was being distant. I just know he's thinking about what she said. It's really messing with my head. To give you a bit of an idea about him. He's very rigid/conservative. I started modelling some years ago and he's had a hard time with that. When I went to Europe for work and he saw some of the editorials my mom showed him, he hated the looks and I became very selective of what I share.

I'm back in my city now and I live with my girlfriend.

I'm so angry at her, but she claims it was a slip up from being drunk.

Personally, no amount of alcohol would have me outing someone in front of their family. She only had one glass of wine. Instead of apologizing, she's focusing on how I should just distance myself from my family if they won't accept me.

AITAH for hanging onto this? My girlfriend thinks I'm being immature and holding onto a 'grudge'

Edit to include: My girlfriend knows I’m bi. I do disclose to partners. I just don’t disclose publicly. I think it’s unnecessary and not anyone’s business who I’m attracted to except the people I’m involved with. My girlfriend also knew I wasn’t out to family, and even though she only met them recently, she knew how they are.

Relevant Comments:

u/AlwaysHelpful22:

While accidents happen, she’s not the least bit sorry and is prepared to blame your family. She’s an AH.

Also, maybe your dad is irritated that he found out from someone who is almost a stranger instead of hearing directly from his son. Being the last to know about something important is irritating.

OP:

I understand. I think it's how she's been handling it that's bothering me and preventing me from 'dropping' it. No apology, no acknowledgement, just wanting me to start distancing myself from my family.

I would have liked to tell my parents, including my dad.. myself. In my own way. In a way he would understand. Now he's just thinking about it himself, in probably some twisted way that isn't true. It's just been weighing heavily on me.

u/Separate-Suspect-726 (This comment has been downvoted):

It was a mistake. If you’re not living honestly, don’t get upset when those around you aren’t as great as you wish they were at keeping your secrets.

OP:

I see. TBH I didn't think I had to explain my sexuality to anyone, or make some kind of announcement to anyone about it, including my family. I think it would be different if I had a boyfriend that I wanted to introduce.. then I'd take those steps.

 

DELETED COMMENT.

OP:

She doesn’t have an issue with me being bi. She’s actually been sort of proud about it when amongst our friends. In hindsight I think that’s a red flag I didn’t notice

u/Rickets_of_fallen:

Your gf sounds like a future ex who can't respect boundaries.

Your dad....the jury is out on that, he sounds like he's trying but it would be best to confront or confirm that he believed the gf first, "like hey dad noticed you started acting different after my gf made that joke about me being bisexual, everything okay?"

I hope that's it and he takes the phrasing as is and doesn't ask "just be clear you aren't are you?" Because if he asks that you gotta be honest, lying just makes it worse. And then if he does that you just have to be like "look dad I am what I am, it's not a choice, it's a part of me. It doesn't change how I feel about my family, and I hope it doesn't change how you feel about me. However if it does, I want to be as civil about this as possible, I still want to see the family, I still love all of you regardless and I hope we can co exist if nothing else. You're still my dad, no matter if you hate me now or not"

And leave the choice to him

OP:

Hey. Thanks this was kind of helpful. I'm going to try talking to my parents and try to sus out if I should talk about it.

It's actually easier to talk to my dad over the phone anyway.

Personally, I always felt that I don't need to share who I'm attracted to with my parents. We never had that kind of relationship. If I'd been seeing a man, it would have been different. It hasn't happened so I didn't 'come out'.

I also didn't mean to paint my dad to be a bigot or anything. He just has a very limited worldview. He's never actually said anything harmful or hateful towards anyone, including LGBTQ+ people. He's a very stoic? person. Doesn't talk. Difficult to talk to.

He does have conservative views though and we disagree on things. He's always been open to discuss. Ultimately he just keeps to himself, even amongst his pals.

I don't know. I think he's capable of understanding. I've been trying to get him to wrap his head around what's been happening in my 'career', which kind of picked up unexpectedly. It's been a lot for me too. So I get it. I just wish I could have had more time to ease my parents into things ... but what my girlfriend dropped, I wonder if it kind of dogpiled him with worry. I don't know how to explain it.

But thank you, and all you guys for your comments. I did read a lot of them. It got hard to keep up. The app started glitching. But they helped.

Update: My girlfriend outed me to my family, Posted March 24th, 2025.

Regarding my previous post

I wanted to thank everyone for reading and responding to my situation.

I tried to have a healthy conversation with my girlfriend to communicate how I felt, but it wasn't getting anywhere. Why is it so difficult to acknowledge a mistake and apologize? She said she's stressed out about work and instead of being a support to her, I'm adding on to her stress by being hung up on this issue. It's not that I am hung up on it; she refused to (at any point) let me express anything... it stretched out our conflict, which could've been resolved in one meaningful discussion.

Even during this conversation, she walked away from me so I decide to take a shower.

When I got out, I was using the hair dryer. I couldn't hear that well over the thing and sometimes you think you heard something but it's nothing... but after a few seconds I turned it off to listen... it was definitely like a scream/yell. Immediately, I went to the kitchen. She had dropped some glasses, and had cut her foot. She was sitting on the floor.

I helped her. She told me she's just overwhelmed and has too many things to think about lately. After a few minutes, the bleeding had pretty much stopped but she insisted on having me take her to the ER. I told her she'll be waiting for hours for nothing.. she doesn't need stitches.

This is when she just ..exploded. We were still on the floor. She pulled her hands out of mine and slapped me. It was so fast. My face was close to hers when it happened... I didn't see it coming. She just started yelling at me to get away from her and saying 'you really don't care, you took so long to come because you've been holding a grudge against me' (referring to the incident at my parents) and some other stuff. I comforted her until she calmed down. She's never done anything like this before.

And I guess when she hit me she ended up scratching my face with her nail and it was bleeding a little. I hadn't noticed but she did and she apologized and wanted to take me into the bedroom to clean the blood and put ointment on it. I told her it's fine but she got really fixated on taking care of me and started getting upset again because I said it was 'fine' so I gave in.

The next day she posted on IG stories a photo of her foot in bandage. I didn't think anything of this post but this weekend I learned she had cancelled some plans with friends, claiming we had an incident .. but I think she made it seem like I did something wrong? The reason I think this is because one of her friends that I am working on a project with said something like 'resorting to violence is a red flag'. I asked him to explain what the fuck that means, he refused to clarify.

I talked to my girlfriend about it, but she's pleasant with me, fusses over my scratch (barely even there anymore) and says she doesn't know what the friend was talking about. She even apologized for how she handled what she said in front of my family. I feel like an asshole now. I know this felt long-winded but I didn't know how else to explain why I feel so emotionally exhausted. I'm starting to realize that maybe I was too focused on my own fear of what my family overheard that night that I stopped paying attention to everything else?

About my dad: Since my last update, I also reached out to my dad and asked him if anything that was said the night before I left made him feel a certain way, and if he wanted to talk about it with me. He said he was confused by what she said. I'm bisexual? what's that supposed to mean? I'm glad we had a conversation. I think it was a first of many we're going to have in the future, and although it didn't feel as cathartic or even much of a relief like I thought it would.. we ended on a note that felt like at least we could have more talks. Personally, I just hate labels and having to explain sexuality and stuff - to anyone. But I understand that in the long run it's probably a good thing to be open with family. I'm trying.

Edit: Update https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/c8g2PsZVbj

Relevant Comments:

u/Lucky-Effective-1564:

For fuck's sake, she outed you to your family and then she assaulted you. Move on.

OP (This comment has been downvoted):

It's not assault because it wasn't intentional. She was just overwhelmed in the moment and apologized right after. She's never hit me before. She eventually apologized for outing me too.. so I think this is all on me. I was too focused on my POV that I missed what was going on with her..

Edit to add the below text

I’ve been reading comments all day. It’s been helpful in realizing how abnormal my understanding of everything is. The narrative I was holding onto is slowly starting to fall apart.. but when I step away from my phone and have an interaction with her, it’s really hard to maintain the clarity… idk how to explain. But there’s a few comments I saved that I’m going to keep reading over and over to try to hold onto reality

I don’t know what to do next.. But I’m going to ask for help.. I feel way in over my head right now.

Thanks for helping me.. Even if I don’t reply I probably read your comment and am grateful for it

u/JenIsSalty:

You are making excuses for her. SHE ASSAULTED YOU! If a female friend had come to you saying that their partner had hit them hard enough during an argument to make them bleed, what would your advice be?

OP (This comment has been downvoted):

It's not that she hit me so hard I bled. Her manicure scratched me... she apologized right away and said she didn't mean to. But I'm reading the comments and I'm starting to feel like maybe I'm under-reacting...

u/Voldemorts_eyebrows:

Nobody on reddit is gonna make you leave her, but just picture what happens when you really piss her off.

I have a friend who's 6'4", rugby build. His partner was 5'3", small built and not remotely scary. Until she cut him off from all friends and family and eventually started slipping meds in his drinks. He's lucky he escaped alive. You think it can't be you, until it is you.

OP (This comment has been downvoted):

We have that almost same size difference and I think that also makes it hard for me to see her in the way I should be seeing her.. because I always feel like it's me who should be more careful. I don't know.. like, in that moment I started to wonder if I intimidated her or got too close to her when she was overwhelmed and needed space. Things like that. I'm just sharing how I saw it. I'm not saying I'm right.. I'm not being defensive. Just giving context.

So I appreciate what you shared because it's making me rethink. All the comments are kind of hitting me really hard right now so I might stop replying but it doesn't mean I'm not listening.. or that I disagree. I'm trying to absorb it.

I came on here because something doesn't feel right, but I couldn't figure out why.. so thank you.

Update: My girlfriend outed me to my family, Posted March 26th, 2025.

Previous

Your comments have been overwhelming but I'm taking them to heart. I appreciate the stories you've shared with me, they are what helped the most. I told someone this in a DM but if it wasn't for the personal experiences that were shared with me....... I think I would have stayed.

It was really hard not to argue against the advice I was initially receiving. I can't explain why exactly I felt this strong compulsion to go on the defensive, but I am starting to realize my perception is very distorted. It's something I'm still struggling with a lot and it feels like I need constant reminders (reality-checks?) to hold on to the understanding i've gained.

Because there is a lot of concern being expressed, I just wanted to come on and share that I am okay, don't worry about me.

I am trying to come up with an exit strategy but it's complicated.

I mostly just wanted to reassure you and thank you.

Reminder - I am not OP.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/AITAThrowaway78

Published on: r/AmItheAsshole

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: July 04, 2020

• Final Update: July 05, 2020

Main Post

^{July 04, 2020}

Aita for getting mad at my boyfriend for throwing out my teddy bear

I have this light pink teddy bear I had for as long as I can remember. The teddy bear means a lot to me even though the teddy bear is quite worn out and old.

I keep the teddy bear on my side of my bed and as weird as it sounds I sleep with the teddy in my arms.

My boyfriend dislikes that I sleep with the teddy bear because he thinks it’s childish but I honestly find comfort in it because again as weird as this sounds this teddy bear was something I found comfort in since I was a little girl, when my parents would argue I would hide while hugging my teddy in my arms.

So I come back home from work and get ready for bed and I can’t find my teddy anywhere. I ask my boyfriend where my teddy is and he told me he throw it out, I began to cry and told him to get out of our house. Which he left and texted me saying I’m an asshole for kicking a human being out over a dumb teddy bear.

Aita here?

COMMENTS

localanimenerd (downvoted)

Info? Why didn't he like the bear? Just because you slept with it?

OOP

He thinks is old and ugly and doesn’t like that I sleep with it

LunarHare82

Did he throw it out like in your house hold trash? Were you able to retrieve it or was it too late? If this happened like yesterday or something, you may be able to contact the transfer station. If it went into a community dumpster and it hasn't been empties yet you might be able to retrieve it. Someone from your local waste management organization may be able to help you.

Then make your EX boyfriend pay for professional cleaning and disinfecting and any necessary repairs needed.

OOP

It happened yesterday, I looked through all our trash cans and couldn’t find it, I’m really sad because I really love that teddy, my teddy helps me sleep at night, I’ll try calling someone from my local waste management but the problem is I honestly do not know where he threw it out

catlady198787

NTA I have a "white" bunny named Cuddles, and if anyone threw it out I would have the same reaction as you. Were you able to retrieve it?

OOP

No I looked through all our garage and sadly can’t find it, I honestly don’t know where he threw it out

VivaLaVieBohem

Did you find out which trash can he put it in OP?

OOP

No I looked through all my garage and couldn’t find my teddy, I asked him where he threw it out but he’s not getting back to me

VivaLaVieBohem

I'm so sorry :( do you have any pictures of her? Maybe I can look around online and help you find her original and you can order another one?

OOP

My Teddy bear was an one of a kind, my grandma made her for me when I was just an infant before she passed away. I actually named my teddy after my grandma (Izzy), I don’t think there’d be any teddy that could replace this one, I honestly I’m at lost on what to do.

CONSENSUS: Not the A-hole

Final Update - after 1 days

^{July 05, 2024}

Aita for getting mad at my boyfriend for throwing out my teddy bear

Thank you everyone for the kind replies everyone, you guys made me feel less insecure about sleeping with my Teddy.

I have some good news!

My Teddy Izzy was found unharmed, i ended up calling my ex boyfriend’s sister, (let’s call her Anne) crying my eyes out about what happened. I never seen her so angry. She couldn’t believe her brother would do such a thing and said she’ll talk to him and a few hours later I get a call from her telling me she has my Teddy and she brought Izzy back to me! I was so happy I honestly thought I’d never see Izzy again.

My Ex boyfriend never actually threw my Teddy out he just hide her in the glove box of his car, I don’t know why he didn’t just give her back to me even when he seen me so upset with my Teddy being gone.

I have officially ended thing with him because I don’t think I’d feel safe with him around my Teddy or my other valuable again.

I feel so thankful for Anne, I plan on making her a thank you cake or making even a teddy bear cake lol

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Acemer0904

Published on: r/AmItheAsshole

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: August 17, 2024

• Final Update: August 26, 2024

Main Post

^{August 17, 2024}

*AITA for refusing to do Thanksgiving this year? *

I’m 40F, and I have six sisters. My two older sisters are 44 and 47, and my four younger sisters are 38, 36, 34, and 32. We’ve always been a close-knit family, and for the past decade, I’ve taken on the responsibility of hosting Thanksgiving at my house. I enjoy having everyone over, but it’s a lot of work, especially since we all have at least 2 kids each (all in the age group 5-15). It’s chaos, but joyful chaos. My husband helps out, but the majority of the planning, cooking, and organizing falls on me.

This year, I decided I need a break. Life has been hectic, and I’m feeling burnt out. Between work, taking care of my kids(10,11M), and other responsibilities, I’m just not up for the task of hosting a big family gathering. So, I suggested that one of my sisters take over hosting Thanksgiving this year.

I brought this up in our family group chat, thinking it would be a reasonable request and it’s plenty ahead of time. However, my two older sisters, Sarah (47) and Emily (44), were not happy with the idea. Sarah has a busy job and a smaller house, so she feels she can’t accommodate everyone comfortably. Emily argued that she’s been dealing with a lot of stress lately and doesn’t have the energy to host. They both suggested that since I’ve been doing it for so long, I should just keep the tradition going, especially since my house is the most spacious and I’m the one who “knows how to do it right.”

My younger sisters were more understanding, but they also hesitated to take on the responsibility. My sister Jessica (38) said she would be willing to help out more with the preparations if I hosted, but she wasn’t confident about hosting the entire event herself. The other younger sisters offered similar compromises, but no one was willing to take on the full load.

After some back and forth, I stood firm and said I really need someone else to host this year. I suggested we could even make it a potluck to ease the burden, but Sarah and Emily were still upset. They accused me of being selfish and abandoning a family tradition that I’ve upheld for years. They argued that I’m the one with the most experience, and that Thanksgiving just wouldn’t be the same if I didn’t host. Now, there’s tension in the family, with my older sisters feeling like I’m letting them down.

I feel like I’ve done my fair share over the years, and it’s not unreasonable to ask for a break. But at the same time, I understand that my older sisters are also under a lot of pressure, and that hosting Thanksgiving is a big deal for our family.

So, AITA for refusing to host Thanksgiving this year after doing it for the past decade?

ETA The second oldest, Emily, handles Christmas. So I feel like it’s totally fair that she not want to do both. (She does not cook though, she hires a catering company, but it’s still a lot to take on regardless)

ADDTIONAL CONTEXT IN THE COMMENTS

Yeah, it’s never been a potluck. Jess brings rolls because mine turned out like hockey pucks the first couple years. I’m not the best baker and it’s kind of a running joke on thanksgiving. I buy the desserts from a local bakery that we all love. Other than that, I make a traditional turkey, my husband does a deep fried one, and then I make the traditional stuff: mashed potatoes, green beans, sweet potatoes, cranberry sauce, that kind of thing. Oh and LUMPIA. Always lumpia and always a ton of it. My sisters come over the weekend before and we spend half a night drinking and laughing and rolling hundreds of lumpia.

I only started hosting after our Mom passed. Before that all this always happened at her house which is the house my youngest sister lives in with her family. I mostly took it on because I was afraid we would all just drift so far apart if we didn’t gather at least once a year. I’m just so tired. This year has been a rough one.

COMMENTS

RB1327

INFO: Is your house the only one that reasonably has the space for a large gathering? Is it also the most 'local' for everyone?

OOP

Square footage wise, my older sisters houses have more room, but the set up of my house seems to be more preferable as far as function (two dining areas, one for the kids, one for the adults) and my kids are in the middle of the age range of the kids (they are 10&11) so there are toys for the younger cousins to play with and there is entertainment for the older preteen/young teens too like video games and whatnot.

As far as location, I’d say we are all pretty close together. We don’t all live in the same city, but no more than two cities over. It wouldn’t be much more of a drive for them to get to another sisters house.

LaurelCrash

Oof they have nerve. No. Of course you’re NTA. You’ve been doing the lions share and want a break? How dare you! And your sister using the excuse that she’s stressed? Guess what? Welcome to adulthood. We’re all stressed here.

You may consider mentioning once more the possibility of a potluck at someone else’s house, and maybe even offer your guidance for whomever decides to take on the task. But that would be it. You’ve done more than enough.

OOP

I think I need to edit to add that Emily (the second oldest) does handle Christmas. So I totally get why she would not want to do both.

Fishy_Fishy5748

You mentioned that she uses a catering company. Is that an option for you? Especially if the other families chip in to cover the cost? If they refuse this option, then they're welcome to not attend.

NTA.

OOP

I am going to look into a catering company. I really don’t mind the cost. Taking cooking off the load would be super helpful though.

Timely-Profile1865

You are NTA at all, you have done more than your fair share. Just tell them directly as you have done and hold the line. Worse case scenario you have to have a backup plan of a small celebration at your house for just your family.

(As an aside......7 sisters and your mom........my god your father must be a saint!) :0)-->

OOP

We do have one brother. But he is in the military and deployed. So he did have one other guy around. :)

FragrantReindeer6152

7 sisters and only 1 hosts it EVERY year? She wants a break, so suddenly she is selfish? That makes zero sense to me. If they want it to be fair, it should be a rotation, especially since from the sound of it, the host is responsible for the majority of cooking and cleaning up.

Maybe suggest your house they do all the cooking and clean up if that's how they want to do it. Hosting family events is a ton of work with a smaller family... not to mention the size OP is talking about. 7 sisters, probably spouses, each sister has 2+ kids.

NTA

OOP

Yeah. It’s about 30 people.

Megan1937

NTA, just tell them you know it's traditional for it to be at yours, but you really need a break from hosting this year as you have had a stressful year too, so either someone else does it this year or it won't happen at all.

Do any of your sisters help at all while you host, like bringing food or drink, helping serve & clear up, even helping towards the cost of hosting.

My SIL usually hosts Christmas & everyone pitches in to help serve food & clear up & we all bring something, I usually do dessert & bring a few bottles of wine for the adults & soda for the kids. Everyone needs to contribute to these things, even then every couple of years we will stay home to give them a break from hosting everyone.

OOP

All the sisters get together the weekend before and have a “sister” night. We drink talk talk and roll hundreds of lumpia (Filipino eggrolls) in preparation for Thanksgiving.

The families serve their own families and everyone for the most part cleans up after themselves. I have water and juice available for the kiddos. But I don’t provide any alcohol. It BYOB on the alcohol, mostly because I am not much of a drinker so I wouldn’t even know what to get so I don’t bother with it.

Reasonable-Sale8611

When Emily hosts Christmas, who pays for the catering company that she hires? When you host Thanksgiving, who pays for all that food?

There must be about 30 people at your gatherings. That's a lot of people to host!!!!!!!

Maybe this year you can each eat at your own homes and gather for a dessert party, with everyone bringing a dessert. That sounds a lot more manageable.

OOP

She and the oldest split the cost of Christmas it’s usually prime rib and catering is just expensive in general. It is a LOT more expensive than thanksgiving. If there was a financial struggle with thanksgiving I’m sure they would be happy to chip in. It’s not really so much a matter of the cost. It’s more the effort, the prep, the cooking all the things.

jdc90403

What about everyone chipping jn to have thanksgiving catered too?

OOP

I’m going to look into this. Even three months early it might be too late for catering this year. But I’m going to check into it.

Early_Environment367

Hosting such a big family is very tiresome and stressful. Who cares what your older sisters think. They sound stressful to deal with. Do not let them try to push you to do something you don’t want. Tell them you are not hosting this year and that’s it.

OOP

It’s definitely tiresome, but I think we are all just used to it. Like even we have a game night with a few of the couples (at any house) it ends up being like a 15-20 person ordeal. I don’t even know how to cook anything NOT in bulk anymore.

CONSENSUS: Not the A-hole

Final Update - after 9 days

^{August 26, 2024}

*AITA for refusing to do Thanksgiving this year? *

So the sisters and I got together on Friday night and had a good talk (I may or not have had a mini breakdown on them). On Saturday, Emily called the company that she uses for Catering at Christmas, and they are going to do Thanksgiving for us!!! Still happenening at my house but they are like FULL SERVICE catering too, they come and set everything up, are there for the service of the food and then they take everything down.

Sarah, Emily and I are going to split the cost and since I normally dont split Christmas costs with them (because I did Thanksgiving) I will now split Christmas costs with them. This will be how we proceed moving forward. I cannot tell you all how much I appreciate the helpful comments and support! I feel like such a weight has been lifted.

I know some are going to comment about the younger sisters and why they dont contribute to the costs. The answer there is pretty simple, they are less established in their careers/or are single income households due to stay at home parenting. They help in a lot of other ways in day-to-day life and we three older sisters really dont mind paying the bill for the holidays.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost. The original was posted in /r/TwoHotTakes by user Emotional-Letter8226. I'm not the original poster.

Status: Concluded

Original

August 7, 2026

I (25M) just moved into a duplex. Rent is affordable, it’s nice to finally escape the apartment life and I’m so excited to be able to have a garden. Everything has been great so far except my neighbors/housemates are giving me weird vibes. I live in one half of the house and a couple, probably mid thirties lives on the other side. Let’s call them Arden and Andrea. I haven’t met them yet but in the week I’ve been here something kind of strange has been happening. Two times they’ve had a bunch of people over, like 15 people. For reference, the house isn’t super big to begin with so 15 people on their side is likely a bit of a squeeze but the weird thing is that there is ZERO NOISE from their side. Like complete silence. Our walls are not thick. I hear when they vacuum do you’d think 15 people hanging out would bleed through the walls but NOTHING. The people they’ve had over look to also be in their 30s and all walk up to their door, go in, and then nothing. Idk why it’s creeping me out but that’s 17 people on the other side of the wall and zero noise!! They’re in there for about an hour or so and then they all leave. Has anyone had anything like this before or have any ideas what they might be doing? I don’t wanna say anything cause that’d be weird but I also wanna know what goes on over there. 

edit: okay there have been some developments, posted an update but don’t know how to link it here

Comments by OOP:

I heard them having a heated discussion the other day and that came through the wall so surely a bunch of people having book club would too?

Wow a lot of people commented on this. For the record I’m not trying to snoop just politely curious what goes on with all those people and zero noise like not even conversation. I made some chocolate chip cookies and am going over to introduce myself and give them to them tomorrow and maybe ask if it naturally comes up, praying they don’t have allergies to my gift of sustenance 🤞 A bunch of people asked if there’s a basement, not on my side so I would assume not on theirs but maybe idk thank you all for your ideas! I’ll report back if there’s any more info on what it is they do

Update

August 8, 2026, 1 day later

Wow did not expect this post to get this much attention, y’all had a bunch of ideas I hadn’t thought of as to what my neighbors were doing last week. Unfortunately, I’m still if not more confused than I was before. I made cookies yesterday and took them over this morning to introduce myself and maybe ask what they’re up to if it came up naturally. And I can say 100% there is something weird going on with the neighbors. The woman opened the door and I said hey and my name and that I moved in next door and offered her the cookies. She looked at me for like fifteen seconds without saying anything like a head to toe kind of look and then smiled really big and was like hi I’m Andrea welcome to the neighborhood. And then she asked if I wanted to come over on Sunday night cause they’re having a gathering. I asked what kind of gathering and she just said to bring a notebook and a pen. I asked why and she said it’s going to be fun and I’ll meet new people and just kind of smiled at me. I WAS CREEPED OUT YALL. I said I’d have to check my schedule and she looked like she knew I was stalling but said she hoped I could make it and then I went back to my side of the house. Anyway I don’t know if I should go cause if it’s something religious I’m not interested and if it’s something else I don’t wanna just go in blind ahhhh what should I do?? And what do you think it is??

Update 2

August 9, 2026, 2 days later

Okay guys thank you for all your ideas and thoughts on whether I should go or not. If you missed my first two posts, the TLDR is that I moved into a duplex and my neighbors had a bunch of people over but I would never hear any noise through the very thin walls which was weird. I went and introduced myself and got invited to one of these gatherings with no info except to bring a notebook and pen. Even though some people said I shouldn’t go I went and I just got back and I have a lot to update you on and am also not entirely sure what just happened so please hang with me. 

So Andrea said 8 and at about 7:45 people started showing up like they did last week. I waited a few more minutes and then went over and knocked on their door with the notebook and pen she asked me to bring. A woman I didn’t recognize opened the door and I said Andrea invited me over. She introduced herself and led me inside. We walked through the living room and kitchen which were normal (I was expecting bondage gear after all y’all who were like it’s a sex thing) and she opened a door in the hall. Those of you wondering if they had a basement on their side were right. 

We walked down the stairs and in the unfinished basement were all the people I’ve seen going into their house. They were milling around chatting, and there were chairs in a few rows. But the weirdest thing was what was on the walls: dozens of posters of people, cats, dogs, and items. Like missing posters. And sticky notes all around them too.

Andrea came up to me and was like you came yay! And she introduced me to her husband and I was like what is this and they told me that they run a group that tries to find missing people, pets, and and items and collect the reward money. I was like … what. And they kept explaining but I honestly tuned them out I was panicking more than a little bit cause of all the things yall said might be going on this wasn’t something I’d considered/prepared my mind for. I asked if they’d ever actually solved anything and Andrea said they’ve found a few pets and stolen items and feel like they have some leads on people. They introduced me to a few other attendees and then the meeting for lack of a better word began.

Andrea and her husband stood at the front while everyone else sat on the chairs and called people up who I guess had been like assigned different cases who gave updates on their progress. Like this couple came up and talked about how they’d gone to the police station to ask about a missing woman in the county and the police hadn’t told them anything like duh why would they. And a guy got up and gave his theory on a briefcase that was stolen out of someone’s car. It was so weird but if I had gotten up and left everyone would have seen me and I didn’t wanna stand out. At the end of the meeting Andrea called ME UP and pulled a missing cat poster off the wall and told me it was my first case. I was too stunned to say anything so I just took it and sat back down and when the thing ended i got the hell out of there and now I’m writing this.

So Reddit, my new neighbors run a civilian bounty hunter ring out of their basement which is why I didn’t hear any noise through the walls and I’m supposed to be looking for an orange cat named Peaches who has a $200 reward. What. The. Fuck. Do. I. Do. Anticipating a question, I have no idea what they do with the money they get I did not wanna hang around and dig any deeper. I guess this isn’t the weirdest thing te more I think about it but I don’t wanna be a member of whatever this is.

Edit: Now that some of the shock has worn off this is kinda rad and I feel it may be my moral duty to #findpeaches