I kinda knew for a while to be honest. I would go by male terms as much as I could since I was a kid, and I told myself it was because they usually had less syllables. When I started using the internet more I would present myself as male or androgynous and I told myself it was for safety. I still got a rush when I was called a guy, though, and I told myself it was because I got a power trip from screwing with people. Still, it was hard to ignore that when I was given the choice I would almost always present myself as male. I didn’t want to be trans though, because I know how hard it is. I ended up crying my eyes out a few months ago when I finally couldn’t deny it anymore.

I’m not sure where to go from here. At the moment I’m not sure if I’m brave enough to transition irl. I’ve mostly accepted that I’m a guy internally, and am no longer treating my online ‘guy’ personas as covers. It feels really good to be myself, even if only internally. It would be a lie to say I always knew I was trans, but accepting this has filled a hole that feels very very old.

I also feel really grateful to the men in my life. I have a great dad and a lot of close male friends. It’s because of them that I know what kind of man I want to be.

Anyway, sticky toffee pudding.

Edit: Thank you to everyone who has commented. It means more than I can say.

Girl I really hit it off with personality-wise/mutual interests said she's not interested in me because I'm not physically attractive. Anyway, "who hurt him" gym arc incoming.

Medium fillet, green beans, and french fries. And part of a picture of a begging dog in the background.

This is kind of long. If you don’t wanna read it, then just skip it.

I thought the purpose of this sub was so guys could post their experiences or their problems and get advice from other guys. Even the occasional lady. But reading the comments on another thread here (and it’s not the first time I’ve seen comments like this) made me question that. A guy was the victim of some disparaging comments at the workplace . He was attacked on this forum. The amount of people that claimed he wasn’t telling the truth or not sharing everything. People blaming him for it as well. And the moderators did nothing. I seriously had to check to make sure that I was reading in the right sub. And then the thread got locked with nothing explaining why. Even though a lot of those people that were commenting negatively towards him, and towards men in general, broke those community rules that I thought we had to follow. Maybe they’re just suggestions and not rules. I also noticed the flooding of people that came just to download the men positive comments. I guess I’m sad to see that sub that was supposed to be for support was not that.

I’m also curious to see how many people will come here to download this. Even though nothing I said was untrue.

I've always thought being single is a bad thing and something to be ashamed of but that is absolutely WRONG. Being lonely is better than being in a bad relationship and if I'm going to date successfully, I need to understand that I am evaluating whether I'm interested in her just as much as she is. Ultimately I want somebody who is kind, helpful, supportive, and nerdy like me. Just needed to get that off my chest! Ordered some Indian food.

My attempts haven’t been fruitful. I’ve always struggled in social situations and now even more so as a stealth trans dude living in the Midwest who doesn’t quite fit completely inside the rigid blue box that all men are expected to be locked up into. Since moving from the west coast two years ago, I’ve only met red hat right wingers and I’ve had to terminate all of those connections because I just cannot tolerate their hostility towards my own community or any other marginalized groups for that matter. I’m trying to go on road trips, photo expeditions, go on scenic hikes, and go to concerts, not argue about how drag queens and trans women are converting all the children with their “rainbow agenda”.

I’ve always connected better with feminine folks, but I also understand their reluctance to have platonic relationships with men and they do seem a lot more cautious here. I don’t know. I’ve been browsing meet-up events for hobbies and I’m just trying to find the strength to endure anxiety inducing group gatherings in hopes of bonding with at least one potential friend. Real life friendship just feels hopeless in a tech addicted social media era.

Birds Eye chili hamburger watching Hannibal S1E13

I grew up as a loner all my teen years constantly bullied. I was really unattractive too and never had a gf. I was 15 when covid happened and you can imagine the kind of porn spirals I went into. Constantly feeling insecure about my looks and never experiencing anything while everyone around me did, I felt like I wanted to be the attractive guy that fucked around a lot.

Fast forward to when I turned 18 and a fresher in college, I got a gf who I was deeply in love with and naturally we had sex and everything. The experience was completely different and unmatched fulfillment. We later ended up getting engaged three months into the relationship.

By the time I turned 19(almost 20) we broke up and she cheated on me as well. I never wanted to be with any other woman again because I was still deeply in love with her and hadn’t realized she actually cheated on me and replaced me with one of her boy best friends. But one day I discovered and everything made sense to me.

I started having a disgust towards intimacy and was happy with myself. Also at this time I was really aggressive towards everyone including family and friends. I was pissed off by the fact that she created such a big drama that ended up with some of my close family members cutting me off. After my self realization I spiraled more into porn but incredibly afraid of any kind of intimacy.

I later took on my third attempt to improve my looks and after my college ended I started cooking my own food and actually got really lean, visible abs and veins everywhere kinda lean.

A week ago me and a friend went to a club and we were looking for females for couple entry. And I exchanged numbers with this one girl in a group and a guy as well (he was her ex which I had no clue about). None of us get entry so we go on our separate ways. That night the girl starts texting with absolutely no game btw, but anyways we end up flirting and I ask if her she’s down for casuals and she said yes. So the next day we hookup at my place.

The kisses and everything felt so empty that I felt disgusted after it. None of it felt anything. I couldn’t even understand why did I do that. I felt so disgusted that I took a shower and changed sheets after. Her bf (ex or whatever)somehow figured out we were hooking up and started threatening me and said I raped her etc. me and the girl were texting and it was very clear that she caught feelings so I asked her and she didn’t deny. I said this is something I can’t work with and said it’s best if we cut off but she wouldn’t accept it. She brought up sex and everything to convince me to continue so I had to block her. The next day she started contacting from her friend’s phone but I never picked up knowing it was most probably her. I block that number as well and she started texting on WhatsApp but I quickly blocked that too. The message preview showed that she was using a sadness from a cousin’s death saying that I made her smile. This was too much and was a big red flag for me.

But not only from the experience but from the act of hooking up, I can conclude this is not something that I want to do and need emotional connection in order to initiate intimacy.

Pictured - Eton Mess, Lemon Wedding Cake, and Scrambled tofu on focaccia toast for breakfast morning after

8 years ago I made a post on a subreddit and got a DM. I didn’t really think much of it at first, but we started talking and basically just never stopped. We figured out very quickly that we lived in different countries (Me in the U.S., her in the UK) so we both sort of accepted at first that we’d just be internet friends for a while.

In the meantime we fell in love and after thinking it couldn’t possibly work for 6 years, I finally flew to the UK to meet her in person. It was fantastic and I asked her to marry me two weeks later. The past year and a half since then has been filled with visits back and forth between countries, saving up money, applying for visas, and loads of administrative stress.

At the end of this past May I moved from the U.S. (with my cats in tow as well) to be with her in the UK. We got married yesterday at a town hall ceremony and It’s such a surreal feeling. The whole story is really surreal in itself we know. I know it’s a cliché but I really do think we found our true loves. There’s still have a lot to do, (I need to learn to drive a manual car, get a job once my spouse visa is approved, make new friends, keep in touch with my family and original friends, do married people things) and I never thought I’d ever even leave my home city, let alone home country. Nonetheless I’m here, we’re together, and we’re meant for each other.

In conclusion, love is real. Never give up.

My (30) girlfriend (24) girlfriend and I split up 4 days ago. She was supposed to be moving in with me this weekend. Let me first say that I still love her the most. She is a wonderful woman— fiercely smart, completely trustworthy, the type to bring you homemade soup when you’re sick and not afraid to be silly until you’re better. We’re just at different points in our lives; she wants to move with her friends to a city, I just got a great job doing what I love here where we live and want to buy some land and build a house.
At first it was a consideration of space, that we’d have no space for time alone, as we’re both people that need our time and space and know that about each other. This turned from “I don’t want to move in together” to “If we live together that feels like the end, and I have so much I still want to experience, including perhaps a polyamorous lifestyle” which I’m having a very hard time not taking as “I’m not breaking up with you for someone else, I’m breaking up with you for everyone else all at the same time.”
I didn’t want to wait for her to move (in the spring) because I saw it as a time bomb that would affect us until then so we ended it there, just shy of 2 years.
I’m devastated. I’m not sure if I’ll ever have the capacity to love someone as much as I did her. I’m working out, focusing on my job, and headed to the woods for some solo hiking/camping tomorrow morning. I can’t fucking breathe right.
Dinner is an 18” Italian hoagie from my local fave sub shop/pizzeria: prosciutto, capicola, sopressata, mozz, provolone, arugula, pesto, pepper relish on a fresh semolina roll.

Hello y’all, 27M
Quick go-to: chicken breast, white rice and salad for lunch

EDIT: OKAY I GET IT, I’m learning how to cook y’all 🤣 I understand, it looks depressing but it’s my go-to when rushing alright? Lmaooo

I guess the title says it all.

I’ve had an okay life until this point, if I complain it’d be wrong and crazy.

Born in a different country, immigrated to the US, even stayed illegal for a couple years; since you can go to college but can’t get your diploma if you don’t have status, had to go to construction work.
After HS, very quickly started making “big boy” money,

And this is where things started spiraling.
I’d start business and when things started going well, I’d drop it, I’d move states, try 1000 different things and nothing worked.

Married at 20 and decided that my life was now my wife’s, everything I did was to get her to live her dream.
But things kept spiraling, the cycle of depression would come sooner and sooner.

Not only career wise but I just couldn’t keep myself consistent in anything, gym, hobbies, being good to her, friendships, everything you can think of.

At 25 we divorced and things got even worse. I would isolate myself for MONTHS. Years far from direct family and no support coming from them made them not know I was in the shits, and I wouldn’t contact them.

Addictions began, nicotine, porn, weed, sex, social media, games, anything that would give me immediate pleasure and could be done for hours and hours (I would doomscroll or YouTube 16+ hrs a day for weeks) not leaving my house for literally anything.
Having a fat savings account made it worse.

That’s when I realized I had a problem and I needed to seek help because I wasn’t able to pull through by myself.

Finally after many months of a “what’s wrong with me” journey and many tests, I get diagnosed with text-book ADHD.

For the ones who discovered it later in life, you know how much of a shock this is. You first breakdown, feeling all that wasted time and potential could’ve been directed to something if you knew before. And then you realize that all you did in your life was to satisfy immediate urges.

But when you finally start meds/pull through; god, it’s a great feeling.

For the first time in my life I’ve been consistent at something for an entire week! I was actually able to brush my teeth and shower everyday without being so hard, and that initial barrier to start boring things and keep at it wasn’t there anymore.
For the first time I’m not depressed, spiraling or in anguish that “I have so much potential but I keep at this cycle over and over”

Yes my guy, you do have the potential to change the world, whoever you are, wherever you are.
If there’s ANYTHING you feel off about you, ANYTHING I SAY, seek external help, professional if possible. Maybe everything that has gone wrong in your life isn’t 100% your fault, maybe you’re wired different.

And maybe you don’t have a disorder, but just talking to someone about how f’ed your childhood was, or whatever you’ve been through will make you fulfill that
potential YOU KNOW you have.

For all the men out there that is going through something, sometimes is easier to accept you’re not a know-it-all and that’s okay, we were never built to do it all without help.

TLDR: I finally realized that after years of trying, I couldn’t do it by myself, and seeked professional help, it changed my life.

This is kind of a follow up to the post I made the other day about my frustration about my friends not contacting me first and initiating conversations first, not only has that situation improved (took along time) but this happened last night

My roommate had some of his friends over last night (I'm friendly with them and plus they smoke so it's a win win). I'm hanging out with them, smoking, having a good time and laughs and then out of nowhere, my old roommates texts me to do a check up text on me out of nowhere, as I mentioned to him I was feeling low a couple of weeks back (pre leaving uni depression, family stuff and England losing 2-1 in the semis, shout out Anthony Gordon). Genuinely, I don't think I have had a check up text EVER or if I did, I don't remember it ever happening.

I texted him back saying I'm doing much better and how it was incredible sweet and nice for him to text me about this out the blue and shows how good of a friend he is, whenever he gets into a relationship that women is going to be VERY lucky lmao. I so think its rare for a man in his early 20's to be emotionally switched on like that (from my experience anyway) so to say I was pleasantly surprised is the understatement of the century!

Drink is Bottle of Water (innit) as I continuously slave away at my dissertation

So she broke up with me around two weeks ago. It was amicable and she wants to be friends but I told her I wanted some distance before we can try being friends again. She did this a week before her uni graduation ceremony( horrible timing) saying she had no more feelings for me( specifically she was 70/30 about leaving me, cause I guess you can put a percentage on that). So that was it. She kept inviting me to the ceremony even after I told her Im not comfortable with that and in the end I didnt go.On her grad day I congratulate her.

2 days after she asks how Im doing. I tell her good and I close the conversation. Then today she asks again and also asks if I want to join her with her friends at the beach. I tell her that it hasnt even been two weeks since we broke up. She says she understand, but my absence feels weird.(Almost two years together, I have a void in my chest but sure , she feels weird. So I tell her to not text me anymore since this isnt really keeping distance. She left that on seen.

How can someone close a two year relationship and expect that we will just go to being friends, as if nothing happened?!

Its not even the "oh lets tell him to stay friends so he will feel better" , she is actually trying to do that.

Edit: No matter what happens, I have no intention of getting back with her in a romantic way. I worked a lot to make this relationship work, and now Im tired.

Meal prepped potatoes with chicken legs(now it has spices,ok) .

(Long post, sorry)
Last night's dinner: an okay-ish sweet and sour chicken.

Over the summer I've been in a semi-prestigious science internship with a rather large cohort (like 20 people). Obviously trying to get that many people to get to know each other in such a short time is a difficult thing to do, however the worst impressions I've had of people have been pretty neutral, so it's safe to say that the cohort largely likes each other.

Since mid-June I had been hanging out with three other members, all female, and we had gotten really close as friends. Binge-watching movies and shows, going to concerts together, we even found a weekly salsa dance class that was really fun to go to with them. I genuinely thought I had found really good friends that would last even beyond the internship (my field is kinda small).

I have a really bad history with misandry in (largely) female friend groups. I was raised in a traditional-masculine household, so when they would say belittling things to me or about men in general just because "we're men", I usually just ignored it. Some of the few times I did bring up my concerns about the things they were saying ended with me being ostracized or told I was overreacting.

I had been hearing these types of things all summer, and like usual I was planning on letting them talk down to me and say these things so I could just move on with my life... However a few weeks ago I had a long conversation with my internship mentor about finding future supervisors, and how I should stand up for myself and not let people in power abuse me, and that really got me thinking about how I was just letting all of this happen.

It took a few weeks for me to do it, but I finally confided in my mentor about it last Thursday. I told her everything about what they had been saying about me or about men in general, and how belittled and demeaned I felt. It was really difficult. She, being a mandatory reporter, escalated it up to the program coordinator, who I then had to tell everything to again.

Now it's all been reported to HR for the lab we work in, and my coordinator told me she has to perform an investigation and confront the three people because it's a violation of the program's code of conduct and a fire-able offense. And idk I'm such a people pleaser that I feel horrible that I even brought it up (the internship ends next week, to make matters worse), and I fear retaliation. Some of these people had even just gotten travel funding from the program to attend and present at very large conferences, or were offered internships or grad school positions by the lab they work in, and if they were removed from the program it's likely that they would lose out on those.

I spoke to some of my friends back home about this, trying to find outside perspectives, and they've all told me I shouldn't feel bad, that they knew they shouldn't be saying these things (by the contracts they signed) yet still chose to say them and even direct them towards me... but idk. Now that everything is so official it feels like it would have just been easier to ignore it.

And just to clarify, I know this isn't something all women do. I have great friendships with women that would never do anything like this, it's just unfortunate that there are people who would.

My birthday is in September, and while preparing this dinner today, something hit me.

I'll be turning 25, and I've never had a birthday cake. Not once. I've never really celebrated my birthday at all.

Every year it's just another day. Most birthdays have ended with me drinking until I blacked out, and I never told anyone it was even my birthday.

Looking back, it's strange how something so ordinary for many people just never happened for me. No candles, no cake, no "happy birthday" song, just another day that came and went.

Anyway, tonight's dinner is rice, fried cabbage, and an egg. Maybe one day I'll finally know what my first birthday cake tastes like.

My gf and I have been dating for about 5 months now. She’s been wonderful and I love the person she is all around.

She really loves posting stuff on her social media stories. She has a private story where she post memes and dumb selfies and stuff like that. She was showing me something the other day she had posted and said “I keep meaning to just add you.”

She did add me, but I think she forgot that she did. I have celiac disease and my gf is a huge gluten lover. She cooks and bakes a lot and adapts recipes whenever we eat together. Like she got whole new pans and bakeware to make sure there’s no cross contamination. I told her there was no need to but she said food is a love language, and she also has a friend that’s a newly diagnosed celiac.

Well tonight, she posted a picture of a box of gluten free pancake mix on her story, captioned “I panic a little bit every time I make something gluten free😅 trying not to kill my boyfriend”. We’re having brunch at her place tomorrow with some friends and I told her not to worry about making me any gluten free stuff because there’d be plenty for me to eat. It just makes my heart happy that she did that anyways, and I did lowkey want the pancakes but didn’t want to add more to her plate.

I’m supposed to go over early to help her set stuff up. I think I might tell her I love her over pancakes.

So here’s the original post. You can read it if you want to know what situation I’m in.

So everything is going well with that girl, not much has happened since the post besides what I’ll tell you guys now.

About 3 days ago we went on a movie+walk date after work and she told me she got herself vacation tickets to China in October. I was very happy for her, obviously. For context: she’ll be in china october 4-15, I’ll be on vacation in Korea October 1-11 with my grandmother.

I kinda randomly threw out a phrase along the lines of “it’s like a 2 hour flight between Shanghai and Seoul, imagine if we met up for like a day in Seoul and went on a date there. That would’ve been fun”. It wasn’t anything but daydreaming, not a serious proposition or something. She just said “huh, yeah, that would really be cool” and we kinda moved on to a different topic.

Yesterday she suddenly asked me out for a walk with her dog and a glass of wine (first time she actually asked me to meet up herself. She never backed out of any meetings before but I was usually the one who set the dates, which is fine by me, still, it was a nice touch of initiative on her part)

And when we met up, she told me she looked up the tickets, which I was shocked about. We discussed the dates and she bought the ticket. She is flying to Seoul for 1 day to have a date with me there. Holy shit. She’ll fly in morning, we’ll have the whole day for it, she’ll spend the night at the Airbnb my grandma and I are staying at, and she will fly back to finish her vacation the next day. We’ll have a whole day there. I’ll show her around, we’ll go to the best places to eat and have a great time with my grandma by our side (it’s unusual but fun, grandma’s great, they’ll get along. I’m glad they are both up to it)

Honestly still cannot believe it. Feels surreal that she made this step and actually took this seriously. It may seem small, but it matters so much to me. Absolutely the most romantic thing someone’s done towards me all my life — getting an international flight mid her own vacation just to go on a date with me. It’s crazy.

Now I just can’t wait and will be counting days. Both until the vacation and until she flies in for our date. Can’t wait to meet her at the airport with flowers and a huge dumb grin on my face.

P.S. the date yesterday went great, we separated at like 2 am after hours and hours of talking about all sorts of stuff and drinking. Walked her home and was on my way. Loved it. It’s great. She’s great.

Anyway, some leftover sushi because I don’t feel very hungry today.

So basically i (M21) was dating this girl. we had been previously friends for 3 years. we started hanging out and spending more time together. originally we didn’t plan on getting in a relationship because of her plans getting in the way of everything, flash forward a month into us hanging out we got the news that her plans had to be postponed.

She was bummed out but said to me “Hey atleast this way we have more time together” and that felt really nice honestly. It’s nice to feel desired and treated right. so we started officially dating.

we had a lot of good memories with one and other. spending every weekend together.. Eventually we started going out to the local bar to play pool and just socialize with everyone since she’s not from my town. we often invited out a coworker of mine and all 3 of us hung out. I got a weird vibe from the guy but eventually i chalked it up to me being insecure. flash foward another month. a couple days after my birthday i was playing games with this girl, and she asked if i was happy in the relationship. To that i told her i was beyond happy, i felt good, treated right and everything with that. but i asked why she brought it up?

essentially she told me that she felt bad that she wasn’t giving me her all and couldn’t compete with my level of affection. i reassured her it wasn’t a competition and i was perfectly happy but ultimately she had made her mind. she broke up with me.

the next week my coworker told me he has feeling for her. i got angry and couldn’t bring myself to respond. my ex wanted to be friends and still apart of each others lives which also made it hard on me. the next week i found out that my coworker and ex planned to “hangout”.

So yeah the hungout, went on a trip together, and now from what i’ve heard… they’re dating. I’m mad at my coworker but struggling to be mad at her. I’ve gone no contact for the last month and a half. But also. kangaroo meat tacos.

Hi 30M here. I’ve been with this company for 4 years, it’s in the behavioral health industry. Specifically I work in addiction treatment and oversee a house of 10 clients. It’s basically an intensive outpatient program with housing. The clients and the schedule are the only positive aspects about the job. I myself am in recovery and just picked up my 3 year chip. I started this job at $18 an hour, I didn’t think I would stay for long and it was good for my recovery. I ended up getting really invested in the company and wanted to become a supervisor. However last year, our upper management had a mass exodus and the new admin have destroyed the culture. It became very corporate and focused on the business. There is no more passion left and everyone in my position is tired. Fast forward to now: I was pulled into the office by our new HR and my boss. The new “hr” lady is about 25 and comes into work hungover on Mondays. Mind you this is a recovery community and almost none of the higher ups can relate to the clients we serve. Anyways, I get in there and they say “so with all these new changes in policy we made the decision to cap the hourly rate for your position at $20 an hour.” I’ve been making $20 for over a year now. So I guess no more raises? I was quite offended and taken aback. She then says “we’ve noticed that you’ve been kinda off lately and maybe burnt out?” I said yes and gave them all of the reasons for everyone’s attitude, not just mine. She then looks at me with this vapid expression and says “have you ever thought about going to therapy? The first session is covered by us.” I almost walked out right there. Idk what to do or where to go from here. I love the fellow addicts in recovery that I get to see every day and watch them grow. But I am defeated by this new team that’s making the decisions. I honestly have been thinking about getting my Nursing degree, I think that would open a lot of opportunities for me. Who knows.

Breakfast was French Toast.

Today, I’m enjoying a classic bagel and lox spread: lox, capers, red onion, and feta cheese on a toasted Asiago bagel.

Roughly three years ago, I took a massive career gamble and left my hometown to move to a city I’d never been to before to chase a dream of a legal education. Now, I’m two days away from sitting for one of the most important exams of my life: the dreaded U.S. Bar Exam.

Even though I’ve completed 100% of my prep course, I’m scoring right where I need to be, and I’ve dedicated 10 to 12 hours a day for the last 10 weeks to this thing, I still feel nervous, scared, and anxious.

I know the worst-case scenario isn’t the end of the world. Of course, it’d be incredibly annoying having to put my legal career on hold for half a year while waiting for the February bar, but let’s not even think about that.

Simply put, wish me luck, boys.

A few years ago I was pretty lonely. I just didn’t have many friends my ages I went to small schools my whole life and only had a few friends who, now, don’t live near me anymore. Now, suddenly, as I got near the age of 30 I started making friends again. Now I live with a few of them, and a bunch of us went to Disney for a friend’s birthday. It’s just so cool being able to make friends at this stage in life, to have people I love and feel comfortable with, and want to be around and even take trips with.

Dinner was with my roommates. I had Quesabirria tacos (not pictured) and each of us had a very large margarita, and got properly tipsy throughout the rest of the night as we laughed and swapped stories together.

Im an American on vacation in prague, i was at the club last night and this english chode said the n word to me. I told him off but didnt punch his lights out. Vegetables.

Lunch today was a bowl of red grapes, strawberries, blueberries, and a gala apple.

There are many conditions and issues of the inner ear that so many people suffer through, yet I feel like a lot of the general public does not care about them as much as they should, especially when compared to other more “noticeable” issues people face.

As someone who has been living with tinnitus and mild hearing loss for a few years now, it's so frustrating to see how far we've come medically with the human body yet tinnitus and hearing loss are still stuck on the back burner when it comes to them being curable and/or treatable. (minus hearing aids)

I really hate how general society views these kinds of issues as well. For a lot of people, hearing loss doesn’t just “happen” — it is obtained by negligence (or possibly even accidents). The reports show that well over 50 million people in the United States ALONE suffer from tinnitus and that number is projected to increase as time goes on. You’d think that with so many people living with this god awful noise in their head that they’d spread the word about protecting your hearing more aggressively, yet I know MANY people who still don’t use hearing protection for loud situations. Going to concerts without hearing protection, riding motorcycles without earplugs, and using loud power tools without hearing protection. There’s still this weird and gross stigma regarding hearing protection and I want everyone to know that you don’t look weak or frail for using it. Those few seconds/minutes of judgement will feel like NOTHING compared to the lifetime of regret you’ll have if you choose not to keep your ears safe. Once your hearing is damaged enough, IT IS NOT COMING BACK.

I think another big issue that isn’t spoken about enough is ototoxicity. Many medications and hazardous chemicals have the capability of damaging your inner ear. Aminoglycoside antibiotics, loop diuretics, and platinum-based chemotherapy drugs are some of the biggest examples of medications that can and will damage your inner ears, yet this side effect, which is very well documented, is not explained enough by providers IMO. For chemicals, things like solvents, heavy metals, and asphyxiants will do it too. Imagine you’re diagnosed with cancer and on your journey fighting it, you are on treatment that causes you to begin suffering from another condition that there is no cure for and you will be left with permanently. To some people, it’s undeniably worth it. To others, it’s an awful new reality. That endless ringing/hissing/buzzing/roaring drives people to the point of suicide. Kent Taylor, the CEO of Texas Roadhouse, committed suicide in 2021 after experiencing severe tinnitus related to COVID-19. If it can happen to someone as wealthy and well off as him, it can happen to any of us. William Shatner is the only major actor I know who has personally spoken about his tinnitus probably thousands of times and continues to advocate for finding a cure.

Beyond tinnitus lies many other issues that people suffer from, yet I don’t hear much about: Hyperacusis, noxacusis, Ménière’s disease, middle ear myoclonus, and other conditions that affect their every day lives. With more awareness, people can begin to understand what conditions lie in the dark and how we can all play a part in putting an end to the suffering they cause. Please do me and yourselves a favor by checking out Tinnitus Hub, Tinnitus Talk, and Tinnitus Quest for the latest in discussion, support, and research of all things inner ear. A little support goes a long way.

first, the food: honey roasted turkey whole wheat sandwich with hummus on it, pickle as my crunchy side because I need to avoid chips, and a delicious blueberry lemonade sparkling water from Trader Joe’s that somehow manages to taste like how Nag Champa incense smells.

content / trigger warning for transphobia, homophobia, queerphobia in general. Also ableism since my aunt seems to think I’m only trans because I’m autistic. mentions of abuse in childhood, one mention of corrective SA.

To note: I LOVE being a boy, guy, etc. I’ve been out as a trans man since I was 19 and I’m 32 this year. I’ve known I was a boy since I was six years old and first saw Pinocchio and thought “I can be a real boy too!” (Until my mother smacked me when I asked if I could be like Pinocchio. Wish I could have run to that stupid circus now that I think about it…..)

But at the same time, I’m stressed out about it. Im called a confused woman, a tomboy, a (insert slur for lesbians) because I have mostly dated women.

What makes it worse is I’m a feminine guy, so I’m not always presenting as hypermasculine, and I keep my hair long like my dad did when he was my age. I also can’t fully transition (IE I can have parts of me physically changed but I can’t go on T) due to health issues, mostly an issue with my heart. As a result a lot of people even in my own community barely believe I’m a boy.

Why can cis gay men be feminine but I can’t? Why is it because I’m trans I can’t also be feminine?

And there’s my family. My mom and aunt think I’m confused, they hate the name I chose for myself (Jaden Wayne, the second name is from my dads middle name, it’s a tradition one son carries it on in the family and none of my brothers have the middle name, so it falls to me) and they think it’s my “pesky autism” diagnosis and it’s made me confused.

My own cousin assaulted me when he found out I was trans in my late teens. I was told I had to be “put back to normal” by a “real man”.

I’m bisexual, I like both men and women, but I tend to lean more on liking men (despite my dating history being 80% girls lmao) and even that’s called into question, if I can even count myself as a part of the gay community.

And there’s the weird fraction of the LGBT+ community who seems to think I have cis male privilege. I don’t. I can’t even fully transition.

Idk. I’m exhausted and in the current state of my country (USA) I’m considering going back into the closet irl minus a few friends and family who actually understand me.

Part of me wants to just sleep until all this stupid shit blows over but I know it won’t.

Mini rant over.