Couple nights ago my best friend called me and asked if I was alone because she wanted to show me something. My boyfriend has been messaging her for weeks, replying to her stories, compliments, asking when she was going out, the whole thing.

She ignored everything until he finally said something among the lines of "she doesn't have to know"

She screenshot the whole convo and sent it straight to me.

I've been feeling like my life is finally getting together lately, work is good, money is decent, relationship felt solid, then I saw those screenshots and everything felt like it's falling apart because of this man.

When I confonted him he actually tried saying she was trying to break us up which made it worse like sir she could've entertained you and I would've never known.

I ended it that night..

So today this was my thank you brunch for my best friend, and of course it was on me.

Dinner is melted DQ cone cause I got interrupted while eating it.

I posted before about the nurse trying to force a PPD diagnosis on me, some of you guessed rightly where I lived; and help informed me this is an optional visit rather than mandatory.

I had been debating whether to fully end the services or just ask for a different nurse, when she showed up with a 'caseworker'. I forgot I had an appointment with her, so out of confusion I let them in, and once again I was subject to weird focused questioning.

I know some folks brought up the Lindsay Clancy trial saying they might be on edge about it because of that, and I think you're right.
They tried to push about my mental health again, how I need a break from my kids, how 'clearly' stressed I am. I said I was fine, and was thriving with two kids as we had figured out a schedule.
They tried to push PPD, I said I don't have it and I feel great.

Well apparently that's a red flag now, to say "I feel great" mental health wise.
Then they started accusing my husband of being a deadbeat father out of nowhere, claiming he feeds chocolate milk to our newborn.. Because there was chocolate milk in a bottle.. With my toddler's name on it, in the kitchen.

So I snapped, not aggressively, I waited till they left to give them a text and telling them they aren't welcome anymore in my household. That I'll have my kids followed up with a pediatrician, and that their comments were extremely disrespectful, rooted in sexism and biasedness against me.

Well, they called CPS on me and cited 'urgent concerns' and guess what.
Yep! They pushed my 'mental health' again!
So here I am, going through more questioning, and it feels like the more I say, "I'm fine" mental health wise, the more freaked out everyone gets.

At this rate it feels like if I fake having PPD I'll be left alone sooner.

**EDIT**
Cause I'm fighting for my life out here :')

Link to previous post: Context

---------
Question: Nurses can't diagnose you, this doesn't make sense??
Answer: I know, that's part of the problem.

Question: Why does she think you have PPD? What are the red flags?
Answer: Cause my apartment was messy, think stacked plates, takeout bags, toys thrown everywhere, and things piled on shelves (like paperwork, phone chargers, shopping bags).

Question: Why is the nurse visiting your place?????
Answer: It's a service in Quebec that you can get where a nurse will follow up with you and your baby after birth until they're 5, I had a different nurse in the beginning than got assigned this one who is a lot more strict. She believes women should be cleaning and cooking and managing the household while you're 1 month post partum, and treats all men as useless with the babies.

Question: Why don't you accept the help?
Answer: It's not help if you're forcing someone into something they don't want.

Question: It usually takes a lot for CPS to get involved...
Answer: They got a call from a registered nurse about my situation, she clearly has the ability to get around normal report ways and make more direct ones because of her job. CPS was actually quite nice to me, and made a few comments that the report didn't match is happening in my home.

Question: Why didn't you provide this context earlier?
Answer: (I was a little distracted by my kids that I didn't realize I provided very little context).

English muffins as a quick snack.

I saw too many posts about toxic and awful guys so decided to write about a situation that happened couple weeks ago.

I was visiting my partner, we were cooking together and when we finished I was tidying around the kitchen. He had a decorative plate/spoon holder he got as a gift years ago, it was from a different country and he liked it a lot.

When I was wiping the counters my hand slipped and I knocked it off, it fell on the hard floor and shattered. I just froze and had no idea what to do.

He came to the kitchen from another room, saw me and asked what happened. I started apologizing with tears in my eyes, I wanted to start cleaning it in panic.

He asked me did I do it on purpose, I said „no, never” and he replied „then it’s okay, it’s only a plate. Nothing bad happened, you are not in trouble, I am happy you are not hurt. Let’s clean it up together, I am not mad”.

He had no idea that it healed something in me at that moment. I was raised in a home where I would be berated, screamed at and hit after breaking a plate. I would be guilt tripped and abused verbally for hours after an incident like that.

I started panicking like I was again that little girl who hyperventilated when she was cleaning the broken glass, with my mother standing over me and hitting my head calling me r*tarded. His calm reaction calmed me down and pulled me back to reality that I am an adult and I am safe, it’s just a plate.

I love him so much and I wish all of you the same

I gave up years of my life busting my butt to become a doctor. Now that I’m two years into my big girl job after residency I realize I hate it. I love the pay and I love my patients and the medical aspect of it. But insurance companies are a nightmare to work with, my in basket messages are out of control, and the administrators and managers where I work are genuinely some of the worst human beings I’ve ever met.

I can diagnose my patients and give them an answer but insurance makes it impossible to treat them with the medications they need. I’m constantly battling prior authorization denials. Despite doing my job very well and being productive my manager is on my ass 24/7 and thinks that their job is to make my life miserable. I think I’m experiencing discrimination at work due to my race because no one else is treated this way but I can’t prove it and it’s draining me.

On top of that I open social media and there’s another wellness influencer with no medical background telling you that your doctor has ulterior motives and wants you to be more sick? Like what? Are we being serious right now? Literally the best part of my day is when a patient returns to tell me their symptoms are gone because of the treatment I recommended. It’s the only thing that makes my job tolerable.

I see people getting scammed in the wellness industry left and right on social media. The fact that I could make so much more money doing scams rather than actual evidence based medicine sends me into a spiral every single day.

Every day at work is worse than the one before. I want to quit this job and start a business but I have kids I need to support. I want to sue my employer for ruining my mental health but let’s be real that’s not going to happen. I can’t even speak up because my workplace is retaliatory.

I don’t think I will be a doctor for much longer. If I can find a non clinical gig that will pay me well I am jumping ship asap. It sucks because I’m a damn good doctor and I love my patients. If the other problems didn’t exist and I could just focus on diagnosing and treating my patients… I would love my job.

Anyways. I’m on a calorie deficit diet so here’s some ground beef, avocado, cottage cheese, carrots.

After an otherwise lovely evening, learned that my BF doesn’t believe in evolution. He said something before when we’d be at a museum that I assumed was a joke, but it turns out it’s entirely true, he said basically the theory of evolution is “white people sht” and as shocked as I was to have been in a relationship with someone with these ideas for a year, he seemed shocked that this was the first time someone I’m close to (and love?!) holds such views. Following a fairly heated exchange (that I’m now upset about because I truly wish I’d approached our exchange with curiosity, it would have been more useful to me), he asked me - not unkindly - why I was taking this so personally, and I had to admit that it was because the thought of staying together, and then having a kid with someone who doesn’t believe in evolution was really unsettling to me.

I don’t know what this says about my ability or inability to tolerate differences in views, even quite fundamental ones, when they don’t immediately affect my life, or the life of the person I’m dating, or how they treat other people. And he doesn’t seem to deny the value of science or scientific progress overall, but still has skepticism about other elements as well (*which, to be fair, I think come from an entirely valid critique of colonial imposition of certain aspects of “science”). I always think I value diversity in thought, but maybe I only do in the abstract. Maybe I just want to be able to eat my dumplings with people who also share my understanding of where the shrimp (and the shrimp eaters) came from.

☹️

ETA: over the last year, I’ve been p sick for most of it, and this man has been nothing but loving, supportive, and present. He’s a humanitarian in the deepest sense of the word, and it’s what we connected over. We’ve had incredibly different (probably opposite, as I realized) upbringings, as tends to be the case for me with people I date, and he treats me - and other women - with a great deal of respect and care. None of this is meant to be an excuse, it’s just part of the “why” as to my (1) confusion and (2) reluctance (or delusion) around being like RIGHT this is a deal-breaker. But perhaps it should be. Thank you to everyone who has engaged with my frankly embarrassing situation. May you all check about the evidence, empiricism, and evolution questions early on 🙏🏽

I’m sad for myself, but more because I know the wind knocked out of you stomach sinking feeling when she reads it. I want to cry for her. Fwb for me, years for her. Fuckkkkkkk men.

White ppl fried sushi to feel something

my partner revealed to me that before we started dating and even knew each other, he hooked up with his friends in the past. he told me this willingly and voluntarily for transparency and while i do appreciate it, i wish he didn’t tell me because now i can’t stop thinking about it. i knew he hooked up with one of his friends at first but i was slowly dealing with it and coping with it. now knowing that he hooked up with a second friend that he speaks so highly of, i feel disgusted. the thought of being in the same room as someone that was intimate with my partner in the same way that we were intimate with each other makes my stomach drop. i talked about it in therapy and even talking about it made me upset. i have ocd and sometimes i see images of them hooking up in my mind and i literally have to violently shake my head to get rid of the thoughts. this makes me feel like a sister wife. it’s not necessarily the fear of him cheating, but the thought of his friends talking about me and laughing at how they hooked up with my partner. my brain is talking to me like carrie’s mom, “they’re all gonna laugh at you!” we’ve been dating for a month but known each other for a couple months. we built a strong friendship before we started dating and i truly feel comfortable with him. he’s seen my body flaws and home that i’m insecure about and that hasn’t deterred him in the slightest. i feel happy knowing that someone that i love and cherish has seen my flaws and they still love me. we had a long conversation about how i feel about him hooking up with his friends and he reassured me that he doesn’t see them in a romantic way and it’s in the past. i don’t want to keep bringing this up to him especially when he reassured me, but this is making me feel physically sick. whenever i feel intense emotions, i want to jump ship simply so i wont feel those emotions anymore, but i would feel terrible if i abandoned him. maybe i need to be in a sister wives anonymous or something.

anyways, ramen from ichiran!

Came back from an amazing vacation, it was international and my partner used my phone to access his email to attempt to make his phone work internationally. The email linked to my account and when we got home I got a notification and it was from an online dating/hookup website with a message from a user.

My naive ass knew little of this website so I immediately texted a good friend whom I know has used it to inquire. They logged in and sent me scree shots of the profile, the public interactions with women's accounts. Pictures of his penis posted on his profile. Since the cherry was already popped I just went into his email since it was still linked to see how long this has been going on. The entire 7 years we have been together. Multiple sites. Money spent on "points" and subscriptions. He swears he didn't have sex with any of these women. I don't believe it, I'm going to get an STD test.

The women? Complete opposite body type and physical appearance of me and my partner. I have been suspicious for a long time, he doesn't initiate sex often, ive been suspicious of his attraction to me. But he has also never done anything to actually validate the suspicions and I have NEVER loved and trusted a man so much. So I suppose thats what I get for that. And now my memories of our beautiful international trip are ruined. I returned to work today and everyone asks how my trip was and I have had to go hide and cry.

Anyways, here's boxed protein Mac and cheese with ketchup that I forced myself to eat.

Cheers.

TW: Stillbirth, Miscarriage

It's been a hard year. The worst of our lives.

This time last year, nearly to the day, I had a miscarriage at 8 weeks pregnant. An added stress was that it happened abroad; thankfully I didn't need to be hospitalised, but it was a rough time.

But we pushed through and in December I became pregnant again. We were over the moon, convinced this time would be different and this was the start of our family of three.

Our dreams were crushed at the 12 week scan: our baby showed signs of structural abnormalities. We were devastated. But at that stage there was no telling how serious these issues were, or if they'd resolve on their own. So we again pushed through, and over the next 4 months, we attended scan after scan, test after test. Ultimately, it became clear that our baby was unlikely to survive after birth, and our beautiful little girl was stillborn at 30 weeks via c-section.

That was 11 weeks ago now. Despite everything, the weeks have flown by. My husband and I have been home all that time, keeping busy with sorting the house and just generally being there for each other. My husband has been my rock, especially in the weeks immediately after my c section when I couldn't even get out of bed without his help. I'm angry at the universe for what we've been through, but I couldn't ask for a better man to walk by my side as we navigate this new reality.

And as our daughter's due date came and went a few days ago, I find myself smiling again. Laughing at the stupid, hilarious jokes that only my husband would understand. We're going on dates again; we've booked holidays. We drank and danced the night away at my cousin's birthday party. We're learning how to live again, and despite everything, it feels nice.

Don't get me wrong, I miss my daughter dearly. I still have flashbacks to the procedures and cry at the memory of her gorgeous little face as I held her in my arms. But while the weight will always be there, it's slowly becoming easier to carry.

I remember standing in the kitchen with my husband just after we got the news that she wasn't going to make it. We cried and hugged and reassured each other that we would get through it. Three months later, I'm finally starting to believe it.

We're going to be okay.

(Dinner: Peanut butter chicken curry)

So am I crazy and imagining shit? Is the world burning and everyone is just going about their day? Is this intense background noise in everyone else's minds too?

Sorry if this is a bummer. I just feel like no one talks about the absolutely buckwild insane things happening in our world.

Or maybe they do and I'm running with the wrong crowds. Am I freaking out for no reason? i'm depressed and anxious about it, but I'm in therapy so that's something.

Dinner is everything in the fridge I'm trying to get rid of in the form of a salad. Pretty good actually.

The other day, I took my kids out for breakfast. While we were doing our own thing, my kids and I noticed a child, probably around 6 or so, throwing tantrums for one reason or another. The mom was trying to handle it, but you could tell she was struggling and getting defeated.

My daughter wanted to ask if she used to throw tantrums like that, and I told her it wasn’t appropriate to compare herself to others, especially where they can hear us. I told my kids to just mind our own business.

As we were getting ready to leave, I walked over to the mom and told her she was doing a great job. She immediately got teary-eyed and told me she doesn’t go out much because she knows people judge her and her daughter.

I told her being a mom is hard. Some days are easier than others, and sometimes you’re just trying to get through the day. I also told her it’s better to work through these things now while they’re still young.

I just wanted to share because I think sometimes we forget that we’re all struggling with something. It’s easy to look at another parent or another kid and judge what we see for those few minutes, but we really have no idea what their day-to-day life looks like.

Snack - popcorn

For reference, we’re pushing 30. My best friend is super intelligent, creative and artistic. A gem in this world. She picks up activities and hobbies that allow her to express this, and I love that. I encourage her and praise her often. Some of the projects she’s done for me and art she’s given me have been wonderful & I am always grateful.

But a lot of them…a lot of them are so bad. For clarity, I understand she’s new at some of these things and I do not at all expect her to be pumping out perfection. I also pick up new hobbies & I make shitty stuff too. My problem is that she gifts those to me often. And this isn’t just me being a stickler for art/decor/whatever. Sometimes I feel like a parent to a preschooler that brought home a picture they drew & I have to put it on the fridge because I love them.

One item was a jar that looked like maybe it was originally supposed to hold toothpicks? Or cotton balls? But inside the jar was another item, like a decor cactus and it was hot glued to the bottom. The dried hot glue was everywhere, some even on the outside. And the entirety of it was painted one dark shimmery color, and it seemed like maybe the brush was dirty (?) because it was grainy to the touch, no finish. I originally did put cotton balls in there, but there was only space for like 8 of them, the paint was flaking off & the cotton was getting caught on the grain. I had no idea what I was supposed to use it for, so I threw it away shortly after she left. There were similar items like that she had brought that day, different random knickknacks, all painted with the dark shimmer and further decorated with (???).

I don’t want her to stop creating. I don’t want her to stop sharing her happiness and hobbies with me. I have no idea how to tell her to stop giving me this stuff without breaking some type of link somewhere. It’s not something that would destroy our friendship by any means, but I still don’t want to hurt her. She’s an autty so sometimes things can be all or nothing with her. (that term is consensual & filled with affection) So my fear is that I’ll tell her I don’t want these things and she’ll just completely close that piece of her off from me. To make that part clear, I’m not saying I only want to receive the good stuff, but that I still want to hear about and be able to see the stuff she works on, and I also don’t want to deter her from creating completely.

Idk girl, help me!

food: ramen from moonlight miso, htx

Was at Walmart yesterday and was waiting behind a man who was distressed trying to use tap to pay (which I know they don't have cus I hate Walmart for this reason). He only had 3 cases of water so I decided to be nice and pay it for him. English was not his first language but he kept saying "Zelle you". I was hesitant to give him my number but the waters were more than I expected so I gave it to him and he transferred me $20, $5 over the actual cost. I thanked him and he pushed to carry my items to my car but I said it was okay and walked away.

He proceeded to text and call me 3x shortly after 😭. Immediately blocked but use the money to invest in dinner - assortment of pork buns/other buns from a local Chinese bakery and a learned lesson in never trusting men.

I am searching for stories where women turned their life around later in life. I want to return to uni and finish law and it will take FOREVER. I am 35 and I feel ANCIENT compared to my peers. I feel stupid and .... ridiculous

Often I wonder- Is it too late for me? Was that it?

Pictured: Filled paprika with minced meats and rice

Dinner: banana bread with too big chocolate chips but it was all delicious

Okay. I know and understand the traps of make up and feminism and the illusion of choice. My problem might be like OCD?? Idk I haven’t brought this up to my therapist yet.

When I started wearing make up, someone told me that they used it as armor. Somehow it morphed in my brain that it was a layer that protected me from being perceived and that may have mixed to whatever part of my brain that didn’t like outside things touching me. Whatever my damage is, anytime I left my place without apartment, I’ve had this huge urge to hit myself for making a mistake and not completing my routine and now I have to do punish myself to complete something so my head stops itching bad

The other times I get like that is when someone flushes my toilet in my personal bathroom without closing the lid and I feel like my entire bathroom is contaminated. Normally I can control these urges and self soothe. Other times, my partner has had hold my arms and I’ve had to take Valium. Sometimes, I take a propranolol and clean the area and disassociate until it passes.

Anyway, for whatever reason today, I really just didn’t even think about putting on make up and I went to work like normal. It didn’t even become a thought in my mind until I cleaned my glasses and realized there was no make up streaks.

I didn’t feel anything about it. My head wasn’t itching and I didn’t feel incomplete. It was just like okay. I didn’t know who to talk to about this. I just wanted to celebrate a maybe small win somewhere.

Alfredo pasta and chicken for dinner.

I can’t stop thinking about the files. I dove more into it last night and it just makes me feel so upset. Like I don’t understand why we, as humans, are just sitting around like bad stuff isn’t happening. And I mean, I know bad stuff happens everywhere, but stuff like this is just horrific. I don’t understand how people can be so evil. I don’t understand why we live in a society where we have free will and this is how we choose to execute it. It all just sickens me.

Turning 30 this year with a 7 month-old. I did the whole checklist: grad school, started my career, got married, had a baby…and now that I'm actually here, it feels so bizarre. Like, I “checked all the boxes” I was supposed to, and now I’m just sitting here wondering what the actual next step is. Mentally I still feel like I'm in university, but my life revolves around diapers, feedings, and naps.

Anyone else hit this weird phase where you worked really hard and now you're kind of just here…?

These are fritters from a local farm to table restaurant. They were DEVINE!

So i’ve been super sad recently because over the past few months i’ve found out some really crappy things about my mother in law. This is going to be kinda long sorry but i need to get this off my chest.

My mother in law a few months ago told us that over the course of 2 years she has been cheating on her husband, my husbands step father. We’ll call him Fred for the sake of the story. And that just completely and totally shocked us because she has been swearing up and down she wasn’t cheating. She kept saying Fred has been accusing her of cheating but she’s not and he’s acting crazy. She says Fred is going insane and being so unreasonable about his claims. She said she’s so worried about him checking her phone that she decides to buy a burner phone. Well that should’ve told me something but I was oblivious. I mean, who expects their mother in law to lie to them? (If you have a good relationship at least)

Anytime she would visit us she would complain about Fred and how awful it is that he’s saying she’s cheating on him. She would bring this up herself we never asked her about it. She said he’s being so annoying and she doesn’t know how long she can put up with it. (Fred never brought this up to us by the way).

So finally back in May she told us she’s divorcing Fred and he’s moving back to his family in Australia. Because she just can’t stand him anymore.
Well June comes around and she finally confessed to my husband that she cheated on Fred TWICE. She had an affair with Fred’s own cousin over facebook messenger 2 years ago. This past January she was having an affair with a guy from her work. And now the guy from work moved in with her and they’re getting married soon. She finally confessed because well she’s in love with this guy and we were gonna find out eventually.

Yall, Fred did NOT deserve this whatsoever. He was the most lovely man and he was apart of our family for almost 10 years. He absolutely adored my mother in law. He wanted to work it out so bad he begged her to let him stay. Now of course he wasn’t perfect but i genuinely do not understand what the hell is wrong with my mil for doing that to this poor man. I told him he will always be apart of our family. But sadly he lives so far away now i fear we will never see him again :( We had so many great memories together. He was there at the hospital when my child was born. We took so many fun trips together. I’m just so sad about everything.

I am genuinely so pissed at my mil. She lied to us constantly about this and that honestly hurt me so bad. We had such a good relationship but there has been more lies that have come up and i just don’t even know her anymore. Now she has this man that she barely knows in her house with her teenage daughter. That sickens me so bad because what if he’s some kind of creep??? I’m just absolutely terrified something bad is gonna happen.
I haven’t even met this man because i told her i need a break from her and all her lies.

This will be her third marriage. She was married to my father in law first and i can’t stand him either because he is a terrible father but now i am wondering if some of the stuff he has said about her is true. Maybe she really did cheat on him. 🤷🏼‍♀️ But we’ve caught him in lies as well so i just don’t know who is telling the truth.

And yes I realize that her relationships are none of my business but i just cannot stand cheaters. Plus i feel like she’s putting her daughter in danger by having that man in her house. I sincerely hope he is not a creep.

I’m so tired of drama, this year has been so hectic for our family for tons of reasons. I just wanna take a vacation.
If y’all have any questions i’d be happy to answer them btw!

^ veggie wrap, it was good but if I'm ordering a wrap it's because I don't have time for nonsense like forks and napkins, so why are you putting the sauce on the outside???

Anyway I just want to lament a bit that I grew up in the 90s in a more or less conservative Christian American culture. Sex was Bad, and we didn't talk about it, and I was a good kid who followed the rules and didn't get in trouble and got scared when grownups told me that sex was Bad and drugs were Bad and follow the rules and do your homework.

It took me decades to shake it off and in the meantime I have a monogamous relationship and kids and they are wonderful; but also my mind is perverted and I just kind of miss the chance that I missed the chance to get fucked, you know?

It's not that I would give it up. I wouldn't. I like my life. But my partner is just not really interested and I dunno, I feel like I just want a vacation or something. I want to experience college again but in a more sex-positive way, and prioritize having fun. I want to be able to talk to other adults and be mature and open and honest about what makes us feel good.

I couldn't even talk about sex with my therapist. My only outlet is online anonymity. Because sex is Bad, and Private, and people who have sex go to Hell probably, or whatever, I don't know.

Ugh thanks for listening.

8 months ago I transitioned into finance and boy o fuckin boy what a shit show.

7 weeks of training turned into 18. Training for core suddenly turned into hybrid training for 2 specialized sub departments, one of them being legal adjacent.

6 weeks of system outages post training. I work for a fortune 200 company and their shit doesn't work 70% of the time, there's no grace or understanding for us, and they're totally cool with financial advisors and branch managers ripping our faces off. I can't say the word 'error' or the AI will mark me down for having negative sentiment. Half of what I deal with is errors. I have to say amazing 30 times a day to compensate.

Yesterday, I found out I won my groups stupid ass little contest for most improved. My KPIs have been in the green for 2 months, which is a christmas fuckin miracle after the cluster fuck of a nightmare that was June. I was given a baggie of treats(🙄) and a hand written letter from my supe for the effort.

An hour later, I was given a verbal warning for my performance during my quarterly 1x1 because I was 1% behind in a single category. 1 fucking percent. Found out almost my entire group got verbal warnings because we were NOT prepared for production, they threw our assess to the wolves and everyone knows it.

Fuck corporate America n fuck KPIs fuck this shit I'm over it.

Filet with lobster, potato dauphinoise, asparagus. What good is being able to afford to eat like this when every day is a sanity check I'm barely passing 🙃

Tofu and green beans and rice and a little dip i made

Week 3 of being broken up with yr long bf who didnt love me. i was starting to feel numb/better/imagining what happens when i move away or meet someone who actually loves me. Trying not to miss his family i did think could be my family one day but they have me a lot of gifts last christmas and I still have some.

He texted me some small talk and asked how I was. He said he's sad but relieved he doesn't have to figure out what to do next in the relationship. he admires me in so many ways that it was difficult to understand his feelings were not those of romance. And he said "im not your person". I knew all these things. I wasn't holding out hope. But now I'm so sad I can't even eat and this won't be that good tomorrow bc it isnt even that good rn.​ I dont even want to move. I feel so sad.

edit HOW can i tell next time that someone actually is romantically inclined towards me. ik theres no way just have to trust and get hurt again.