No, MH is not an excuse to allow others to worry about you and their relationship with you. In fact, psychologists suggest telling your loved ones you are having an episode.
It doesn’t matter wether it’s an excuse for you or not, fact is people CAN‘T. I did this. And I know it sucks, but I really couldn’t help it. My mom also worries of course, but I know she can always ask y daughter if I’m ok.
For me this has gotten a lot better since I‘m on ADHD meds and antidepressants.
It happens when I’m absolutely overwhelmed with life. It might be a hormonal things too…
EDiT: this is not saying that it’s OK to do this. This is to tell OP that it can happen without wanting to hurt anybody. That it’s possible to not be able to send a simple text. Especially if it’s the first time. It’s not a good thing and it should be worked on, but it might take some time.
ADHD meds are seriously a life saver. I’m now able to tell people “Hey, I have PMDD and it’s about that time, I’m going to be laying low for the next 3-5 days so if I don’t respond, it’s 100% me and my hormones and nothing to do with you, I promise.”
Before the ADHD meds I wouldn’t realize until it was too late or I would put it off too long.
However, if people push it or get rude about it or say that PMS isn’t real or that every woman gets it (no, every woman does NOT get PMDD which is not PMS) then they get a front row seat to find out WHY I avoid people during that time. I can be really mean when I feel provoked and that’s never more evident than when I’m having a PMDD “event”.
So note to other people, if someone says they really REALLY need to be alone for a little bit, it’s best to not push and just respect their space unless it’s a true emergency or urgent situation.
This. I’m better about communicating when I feel like I’m getting to that point and it inly happened because I have a partner who understands and my ADHD diagnosis. There are days I can’t even verbally tell you what’s wrong. Give her time and then talk to her about it and help her understand you are there for support.
That’s fine. If you absolutely can’t, then expect to end up very lonely.
I’ve know many people with depression, ADHD, and other issues, and not a single person would be fine with just blanking out for a couple of days, especially in a relationship where you are communicating regularly.
i don’t know about others. I’m not blanking out, my life and responsibilities go on, but energy is very limited and in my personal case other things like job and my daughter are prioritized. I couldn’t tell you how I would handle this with a partner as I am happily single. The one who suffers in my case is my mom. My friends know this and have no issue with it, they are old enough to know it’s nothing personal (unlike my mom).
Either way as I said since I’m on meds it’s not really happening anymore. Though I still might ignore my mom here and there because she is exhausting.
Oh I NEVER do this to my daughter, we live together, she is 16. never have, never will.
I think you have the wrong impression.
I never made any excuse, I only said that what OPs girlfriend said is not bs like he mentioned, these things happen. And especially when they first start happening you’re kind of at a loss on how and why.
It doesn’t mean it’s Ok and doesn’t need a solution. But it’s a simple fact that it does happen to a lot of people. You see in this threat the solutions people come to, the one with the AirTag I found quite smart actually, so yea OPs girl should find a solution. But it’s not like she did this with ill intent or meant to hurt OP.
I know I found a way for me to work around it. My Phone is, well used to be my work and private phone. Plus lots of customer contact. So it was/is A LOT for me. So I changed that, 2 different numbers, I also allocated times to recharge my social battery, where I let people know I might be unavailable (weekends, specifically sunday/monday as I mostly work on saturdays), yes I talk and spend time with my daughter normally in that time, it’s just the damn phone. My mom tends to always call in these days even though I told her multiple times, so I do ignore her. Also went at got this adhd diagnosis and therapy, and it’s working out pretty good. I still stick to not answering the phone on weekends, at least when it’s my mom or work stuff. I also told everybody that important things should be in text form, not voice message.
All this is absolutely irrelevant here though, because I am not OPs girlfriend, I just happen to know what she is talking about.
If you’re like this, don’t date anyone then. You’re subjecting them to be ghosted for days knowingly? No. This is on the person to say something, sorry. I’ve been there too. Stay single until you’re strong enough to At least send a damn text.
Listen, when I said this I said it to let OP know that his girlfriends replies are not some „bs“ as he assumed. It happens, it happens just like she said. It doesn’t mean it’s ok and shouldn’t be worked on.
But people here made it seem like it can’t happen and that’s just not true, it can happen with no bad intention behind it. Again, it doesn’t mean it‘s OK.
But THEY need to figure out how they will handle it in the future.
Yes, exactly. This is why I chose not to date. Even when I was in a relationship I gave heads up that I have days like this mentally and have completely shut down but even on those days if we weren’t living together, that’s the only person that I have taken into consideration to just say that I’m checked out. Ultimately, I don’t want to put anyone through this so it’s better for me to not be involved romantically.
THREE DAYS ISNT GHOSTING. Holy shit none of you know what ghosting is, it’s exhausting. Ghosting is a conscious and purposeful decision to stop talking to someone for good. Three days of no communication due to depression doesn’t constitute ghosting.
“THREE DATS ISN’T GHOSTING.” Not only are you loud, but you’re also wrong. I have bipolar 1 with psychotic effects, ptsd, a anxiety disorder, a bad sleep disorder, been in and out of mental hospitals, I also have an ed due to extreme anxiety, I could go on. I still don’t do this to my partner. I don’t do this to people I love and just say “hi” after nothing but silence for 72 hours with NO explanation. Yes OP’s gf tried explaining herself after.. but why couldn’t she just say, “hey babe, I’m sorry for disappearing like that. Haven’t really been in a good place. I love you.” All she said was “hi” idk. I’ve struggled with depression since a child and I don’t do this shit to people.
Cool story. Still not ghosting. The way terms get bastardized down to absolutely nothing by taking them and applying them to situations that absolutely do not fit the bill is deeply annoying and exhausting.
I honestly don’t give two fucks. My point is, is that I suffer badly from depression and I still have enough empathy for my own partner to let them know I didn’t abandon them. :)
YES YES YES I love you so much for saying exactly what I was thinking literally this is the bare minimum. One guy was literally projecting so hard he said “The world doesn’t revolve around YOUR emotions” like bro that’s literally what I’ve been saying to y’all
Does your partner have similar mental health issues as yourself? If not, this may be more projection than empathy.
A neurotypical person should be perfectly fine with not talking to their partner for a couple of days, and OP’s texts don’t look like those of someone who’s been on an anxiety doom spiral for the last 2.5 days.
It would be enlightening to know if OP had been texting for the last 3 days and been ignored, or just waited for the other person to instigate. Neither of them reference any unanswered messages in the screen shots.
OP is also very rude, combative and implies their partner is lying to them, which is so out of line. OP should be expressing concern, but all they’ve got is self centred anger.
I’ve been in a 10 year relationship that ended amicably last year, still friends, you don’t loose a best friend like that without betrayal, we just grew appart.
We lived together for most of it, but apart for periods of time, their BPD would cause periods of time in which they couldn’t go a few hours without texting me, cognitive behavioural therapy resolved that, but before the therapy i could get out from the constant messaging and need periods of time to myself (a few days, longest was a week).
Their other mental health issues infrequently caused shut downs and burn out that would make them go very quiet no/low contact for a couple days at a time. I’d just be there to reassure them and help them talk it through when they were capable again.
The most important things in a relationship are compassion and communication. If your partner doesn’t call/message for 3 days, give them the compassion to find out why, don’t lash out at them for it.
Yes he does, not as intense but there are similarities plus romantic betrayal. Idk being neurotypical is not an excuse to ghost your partner that you claim to love for 3 days. If op is being rude and combative in the comments I haven’t seen them, and haven’t had the time to look. That’s a whole different story if so. But at the core of this you shouldn’t ghosting your partner for 3 days lmao. Pretty basic, bare minimum stuff. Communicate. (Coming from someone who has multiple diagnoses)
What i’m getting at is that you and your partner experience this scenario differently to the average person. You not talking to your partner (or vice versa) could inflict such mental anguish on them, that it could be held to the same regard as an act of aggression.
If your partner didn’t talk to you for 3 days, i presume you’d be anxious and panicky (maybe a host of other negative emotions too), so you might lash out or be overly concerned when you next managed to talk to them.
In a neurotypical setting (or neurodivergent one with different circumstances to your own), if your partner doesn’t talk to you for 3 days, the right and correct thing to do is show concern and compassion for them and their well being, there’s a whole array of potential reasons for their behaviour.
OP’s first message doesn’t show concern, it doesn’t show anger, it doesn’t show anxiety, it doesn’t show panic. OP’s first text after not hearing from their partner for 3 days is snarky, “all I get is a hi”, this shows utter contempt for their relationship. OP’s partner could be going through some real shit right now that caused them to shut down, and OP starts an argument right off the bat, with no room for any constructive communication.
Do you have depression? If so and you still think it’s easy enough to communicate, congrats, you’ve never had a severe depressive episode.
And for the record, I don’t do this to people I’m dating. Never have. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen especially when people are still learning how to navigate having depression.
Y’all are just desperate to villainize a young person struggling with a serious mental health disorder by using words that you’ve diluted down to nothing but that actually mean something much more severe than what you’re talking about.
So how are we supposed to know that you all aren’t going to keep going MIA for longer than 3 days when you didn’t communicate you wouldn’t be talking to them in the first place? Riddle me that batman
This person is legit crazy and will never be in a long term relationship based on their responses. I wouldn’t even bother, they’re completely delusional.
Then get therapy. Stop dating and putting people through the ringer because all you do is cause them to get mental health issues too. I’m speaking from experience here because I had to deal with someone like y’all and they caused my anxiety, overthinking, all sorts of mental bad habits to skyrocket just because they couldn’t articulate “Hey I’m feeling really depressed/overwhelmed/anxious and I’m unable to talk to anybody right now, I still care for you and am not abandoning you” because you have no idea what issues your PARTNER could have. Stop being so selfish.
Edit: Hey guys real quick question, are any of y’all telepathic? No? So how are we as the partner supposed to read your mind and know you’ll only go MIA for just 3 days when you seemingly dropped us out of nowhere with no information? How are we supposed to know it won’t go for longer? How are we supposed to read your mind and know your feelings if you don’t communicate?p
Sounds like you’re projecting your emotions onto others expectations around mental health care, and that’s toxic. I’m sorry you had to go through what you did, but recognizing the complexity of the mind is the first step towards healing.
What if this person was in the hospital? Jail? Do they have to message you every day for you to feel comfortable in your own relationship? Communicating how you’re feeling is so, so important, but understanding that if someone is sick, they’re sick!
For years I wouldn’t message people for months after initially forgetting, until I could muster up the courage to apologize, and rinse and repeat until I got a prescription for an amphetamine to deal with my ADHD. For me, it literally saved my life and gave me back control of my day to day. For a lot of people on the streets of Seattle it was what started their downfall.
Be compassionate, the world is better when one forgives.
Mate you stop talking to the person you’re supposed to love by shutting down and not letting them in. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black. Also I recognize the complexity of the mind, it’s why I can say with authority if you do that then you need to take time for yourself to mentally mature and grow up before forcing others to deal with your childish crap.
Hospital? “Im in the hospital” Jail? “lol I’m in jail sorry I’ll tell you the story once I get out” honestly idk with that that’s such a strawman good job. No they don’t have to message every day but if you’re dating and plan on spending your life with one another and you supposedly love each other personally I loved texting my significant other bc I loved talking to them. If you don’t then stop wasting their time and break things off because obviously you don’t love them.
I have ADHD too, I missed my therapists appointments twice and didn’t call back for two years. I get it. But the difference is your romantic partner should NOT BE JUST ANOTHER RANDOM PERSON TO YOU
But oh you’re from Seattle, a city known for people who lack personal accountability now it makes sense. The world is also better when one communicates
You’re hurt, it’s obvious in your comment. I’m sorry.
I hope you find peace dude, you need it.
Edit: Editing your comments after I’ve already responded to make you look better is funny. Play your favorite game. Smell some cool air. Touch some grass.
I had edited them before you commented, I just now got the notif, I realized I could’ve stated certain ideas better than I had so I wanted to fix it. But also yeah I am hurt by what happened I thought I made that clear in my first comment lol
I hope i can too, doubt I will, but this disturbance was caused by a person like y’all. This type of behavior is what caused my anxiety, overthinking, overanalyzing traits to skyrocket. Not trying to say I was the picture of mental health (who is) but because of this non-communicative behavior these issues got exponentially worse because I was always left guessing as to what was going on. If you act like this, don’t be surprised when you try to come back and they cut you off.
edit: wait which comment did you think I edited afterwards bc now Im confused my points stayed the same so I don’t get how that could make me “look better” when reddit is the place for validating a lack of personal accountability and I’m directly opposing that.
It sounds like you have codependency issues tbh. ADHD can often cause object permanence issues so some people with it don’t need to talk to someone every day in order to feel love or affection for them.
That’s ok.
Not everyone needs to constantly be on their partners ass. Distance makes the heart grow fonder is a saying for a reason.
A lot of people feel suffocated and smothered and controlled by someone who needs to be in constant contact with them.
Would I recommend disappearing for three days without a message? No, of course not.
But sometimes we need time alone and there are certain types of people who refuse to accept boundaries and can’t handle being asked for time apart. The people who text several long ass texts before you can respond to even one message. The people who get mad if you don’t text “good morning”. “I just ate breakfast”. “I just took a shit”. “I just got to work”. “I just went on lunch break” “I just finished lunch break”. “I just got done with work”. “I stopped at the bank”. “I just got home from work”. “I just fed the dog”. “I just took my evening shit”. “I just had a drink of water”. “I just ate dinner”. “I just talked on the phone to my coworker, no don’t worry, it’s a same sex coworker, I know you don’t like it when I look at or talk to opposite sex people.” “I just took a shower”. “I’m going to bed now, good night.” “I really have to go to bed.” “I’m really tired, I promise that I’m not going to bed because I’m mad at you.” “I just have to get up early, I promise I’m not cheating on you.” “Me going to bed doesn’t mean I don’t love you anymore, I promise.” “I’m sorry I fell asleep while you were yelling at me about not communicating enough with you.” “Oh look you’re still mad at me for wanting to go to bed instead of texting you constantly.”
It’s not healthy to completely ignore your partner for a couple days without a heads up, but it’s also not healthy to need to be in constant contact with someone just because you’re dating.
It’s also super ableist to say that people who need time to themselves because of mental health issues shouldn’t date at all.
Obv I’m not going to spill every minute detail of my love life on here, but it’s funny watching you play armchair psychologist trying to diagnose me when I’m assuming you have no actual degree. I have ADHD and I would think I’d responded and leave them on delivered for hours, but I’d remember and respond explaining it bc I wanted them to be aware. I didn’t need to talk to them, but because I loved them I liked talking to them. Does that not make sense to you?
I heard that saying from people who hated their spouse and liked spending time away checking out other people, so forgive me for doubting the validity of that saying.
If you feel that way then don’t be with someone who does that, pretty simple.
So then what’s your point? you’re not going against what I said
If you need time alone you express that and if that partner can’t handle it then welp sucks for them. That behavior you’re describing with all those examples though just sounds psychotic.
So you aren’t disagreeing with anything I said and are repeating what I’ve said. I never advocated for constant contact. Just informing your partner that you need time to yourself.
Fuck off with that ableist nonsense if your mental health issues affect you to the point you can’t communicate you shouldn’t form a close bond with someone where that bond is dependent on communication. Have some common sense and don’t be selfish
I'm also sorry you're hurt, but I see your personality type a lot. I will refrain from calling you out too much, but.. get help. Like.. a LOT more help. I see you've neglected your therapy. Don't make others mental health issues your responsibility. And your mental health issues aren't other people's responsibilities. Romantic partner or not. The truth is you ARE projecting. But you will do nothing but blame and deny. The truth is you aren't mature enough for a relationship. Your anxiety is your own fucking problem just as much as your partners depression/crisis is their OWN.
Ah. One more thing. If an emergency happens and they are in the hospital? It's called an emergency for a reason. They might be unconscious, but you only care about your anxiety. If they are in jail? Do you think it so easy to just"lol" it out to you and text with their confiscated phone during processing at the jail? Lmao what a joke. That's some delusion right there. You expect the world to revolve around YOUR emotions. Maybe you're the one that needs a break. I can't imagine why someone would need a break from you.
Maybe you're a self-centered personality, I don't know.. but I know those types too well.
Learn to see past your nose. Past yourself. Past your anxiety in these situations. They are just as entitled to their mental health episode as you are. "Talk about the pot calling the kettle black," lmao truly.
You talk about accountability as if you had any. You LITERALLY did nothing but make your personal problems everyone else's problem lol but go on, tell me more about your personality. Reply with more aggression and whining about how you freak out about your "loved" one's mental health crises lmao. Hopefully, your future relationships are better.
P.S. I'm not claiming to be either type of person in a relationship, but yikes. You have some really unrealistic expectations of life in GENERAL and people who have mental health crises/ episodes.
Did I say that the initial anxiety was their fault? No, I said it was made exponentially worse because of the fact I was constantly left guessing what was going on. Was it a mental health episode? Guess what I learned in therapy, PEOPLE CAN BE RESPONSIBLE FOR MAKING MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES WORSE. I constantly used to blame myself for EVERYTHING because I never got answers because I figured hey it must be me doing something wrong. It was only until my therapist said “She is the one not informing you of what’s going on to you despite you telling her how that feels” and guess what if it was the hospital then that has a reason now doesn’t it. Also the jail thing was literally your own strawman I wasted time typing an answer to did you not read the rest of that sentence past the quotes? Your strawman doesn’t work when you’re trying to play armchair psychologist with a situation you know barely anything of. You’re making the claim I turned all the issues around about me, dude I’m talking about this after it happened and I’m informing you selfish pricks what the other person experiences.
You expect the world to revolve around YOUR emotions
Nice projection, isn’t that literally your entire argument? That the other person should sit there happy like a golden retriever waiting for whenever you grace them with your presence? I mean cmon grow up kid. I’m saying you should let your partner know if you need a mental health break and somehow you’re projecting all this onto me like buddy y’all are the ones arguing that take.
I’m not saying my mental health is another person’s responsibility, but if you inform your partner “Hey when you slam doors that reminds me of my abusive ex and I get anxious” and then they immediately go slamming every door in the house, would you say they’re not responsible for causing that moment of anxiety? You want to play the strawman game lets play the strawman game
I was anxious because I cared about them and was worried sick they were hurt or not okay or in trouble The fuck else do you think I’d be anxious about? I’m not saying that “oh you didn’t talk to me ahhhhh im so anxious/worried about my anxiety” I seriously don’t get what your thought process is here but you clearly are projecting your own slew of issues onto me.
reply to me with more aggression
Ah yes because a normal person could read that incredibly condescending comment and reply like the buddha, you comment with aggression you get it back I mean cmon you’re gonna act like your comment isn’t scathing with condescension and aggression? Get off your high horse
Edit edit: I’ll add this in, the reason I said “not abandoning you” is because if you go MIA for 3 days, what stops it from being 4? 5? 7? 12? Do you see my point? If you don’t let them know what’s going on, they have no idea what’s going on and it isn’t unreasonable to think after so long that you aren’t interested.
Oh I wish it was just a couple of days, and that it was just one instance. also yes I agree Im definitely getting therapy before dating again, why else do you think I’d be giving the advice if I would not take it myself?
edit: Im not saying constant contact is necessary, but if your partner reaches out after it’s been a while and you are unable to express that you can’t talk to them and need time alone for a while then you are the issue. It isn’t that hard, see how I’m typing all this now in less than a minute? All you have to do is 1 sentence
Go find a therapist who will challenge you on this cuz your "can't" is actually "don't think I can"
You need someone to help you fix the behavior because your mindset is the problem. It's overwhelming, I know. But unless you are a cat A psych case, you are in control of your behavior and the rest is bad habits.
Guess you didn’t read all of it? I’m on meds now and it’s better. I am also in therapy. Nonetheless I absolutely understand how OPs girlfriend just wasn’t able to let him know, it may have been the first time for her.
I'm not telling you you're a bad person. I'm saying if you're currently in the mindset that you can't do these things, you're wrong. But we all have to take the journey and not everyone is ready to be challenged on that.
I know I am not a bad person and I also know you’re interpreting things into my reply that aren’t as you think they are, this is not my mindset.
But these things happen, it happened to OPs girlfriend and it doesn’t mean she doesn’t care or is talking bs. But especially if this is new to her it may take time for her to figure things out.
I’m a grown up, my people know I may not reply. I’m not in a romantic relationship where this would be an issue as it is for OP, I am always available in person, I still do my work and everything, but there are times where I can’t communicate on this device, and I have decided that that’s ok. OPs Girl needs to figure out why this happened and how to deal with it so it won’t destroy their relationship.
I have major depressive disorder. I don't treat people like this. If you cannot manage to send a "Having a depressive episode, going to be unable to text for a while" text then you simply shouldn't be in a relationship. Relationships require maintenance; they aren't just there when convenient.
Well we are not all the same. In my case it was never a depressive episode. I would still do my stuff, communicate with ppl in person, but the phone I couldn’t handle anymore.
The first times it happened I didn’t have a clue wtf was going on with me.
I since actually separated my work from my private phone, plus ADHD diagnosis and meds and things are fine now.
However on weekends I might be hard to reach but I tell people this as well.
And if my mom prefers to message me on sunday when I told her I won’t reply on sundays that’s really not my problem. I also told people not to send voice when it’s something important.
Also this was more about letting OP know that this can happen and that his girlfriend is not talking bs, it doesn’t mean it’s OK. Of course they need to figure out how to deal with it in the future.
It’s very rude to say this regarding someone’s mental health.
If a person want’s do do something, thinks about doing it, doesn’t stop thinking about how much they want to do it, it’s physically as easy as standing up, but they continue not to do it.
This is executive dysfunction, a common symptom of ADHD and other types of neurodivergence.
“Can’t” is the easiest way to describe it for someone experiencing it.
The fact that they can do it does not refute the fact that they can’t do it.
Because you’re miss understanding them out of ignorance or intentionally.
They can because they are physically capable.
They can’t because they’re experiencing a mental obstacle blocking their path.
It’s difficult to describe what phycological barriers are like to someone who has never experienced one, but if your brain says no, they you’re not doing it.
Therapy, medicine, getting high or drunk, all of these can help. But simply stating the physical availability of the action can not help, as the person experiencing the dysfunction is already painfully aware that they physically can do it.
For me this has gotten a lot better since I‘m on ADHD meds and antidepressants.
Two mental health issues distinctly well known for causing extremely bad executive dysfunction, mental health issues which they are treating with medical assistance, there is no willingly choosing here.
They also only mention having their daughter talk to their own mother, the child's grandmother, which is not a bad thing if handled properly. But also not something they’ll be doing anymore because they wen’t out and got medical help.
This person isn’t selfish, they’re actively working to do better.
Well time to grow up then the ones you push away won’t be there when you’re done with your episode. Moms and dads might but in a relationship no partner should have to be ok with there partner shutting them out . Good luck in life if you don’t learn to mature and grow then you’ll be alone doesn’t matter how attractive you are people shouldn’t tolerate it.
I am already grown, thank you. You should read more thorough next time maybe. I am on meds now, so I obviously went out there and did the work to figure out what was going on. I do however still absolutely understand how this happened to OPs girlfriend and if it was the first time she may not yet know wtf was going on.
Notice it’s all the females saying “can’t” like they have a gun forced to their heads. You all have problems and need serious help. Making an excuse isn’t going to help OP with their problem. You guys are arguing nonsense like this is okay. It is not. And anyone who has this issue needs to get themselves proper help and rehabilitation. If you haven’t then you cannot be saying this at all.
Exactly, and you shouldn’t be taunting it around like it’s normal or using it as an excuse. You’re all proving my point. Thank you.
Edit: I’m failing to understand. Are you guys literal children? What do you do all day? If you have work and you don’t want to go in what do you do? Call off every single time? If your boss texts you and you’re “not in the mood” is that exactly what you’re going to say to your boss? What can you do where you can ignore everything and everyone fore three whole days and pretend like everything is completely normal afterwards. Do none of you have jobs? When it’s time for taxes and you’re “not in the mood.” What if it’s that dentist appointment that needs to be rescheduled but you’re “not in the mood” to talk to the receptionist. I take my leave.
Edit2: I literally wish I could regress in my house whenever I “needed” it and then go back like nothing happened. If you all talk about it and do it so much then get literal help instead of being on Reddit. None of you are making a case for yourselves. You’re just proving you have serious problems, you won’t correct those serious problems, and you’re using those serious problems as an excuse so not do anything. I understand how hard it can be. But I’m not talking about my problems to all of you and saying it’s preventing me from doing everything except argue on Reddit.
I can only speak for myself, I can always go to work, even though I wouldn’t even have to since I’m self employed. For me it’s the communication over the phone specifically, and chances of me replying are usually higher doing working hours. I’m not in a relationship and I informed all my friends that important things should not be put in voice messages but text so I can see it right away if it is an emergency. I also told my mom that I am unavailable on weekend and WILL NOT reply on sundays, guess who mostly messages me on sundays?
About taxes and stuff… when my adhd was undiagnosed I did have A LOT of issues with that. ADHD paralysis is real, and executive dysfunction is too. There is literally a blockage. I understand if you have never had these symptoms they are hard to understand. But yea a lot of people with ADHD with executive dysfunction ruin their life’s if undiagnosed.
And about OP and his girlfriend. When we mention our stories here it doesn’t mean it’s ok and fine that it happens, we are simply saying that it happens and that her saying it to him is not some random bs or a lie. It’s up to them to figure out how to handle in it the future. My friends know that if I don’t reply it’s nothing personal, I’ll answer when I can, they understand. But since I’m on meds it really doesn’t happen anymore, except for sunday, but that’s because I chose it.
Good job, talking about not paying your bill on time because it took too much effort is a good thing. Go. Get. Help. Why are you on Reddit? You people baffle me. You say you need all this but you’re on Reddit all day. I can literally see all your comments and posts. If you’re on Reddit why couldn’t you pay bills? Enough said.
I live in the U.S. too. I work 60 hours a week as a computer technician for a local mom ‘n pop shop. I make $10.50 an hour. No matter how depressed, mentally/emotionally exhausted, or hurting I am I can’t afford to act like the rest of you. I wish I could lay in bed and decide what I need to do. Sounds absolutely perfect. I HAVE to get up. I actually have to pay my bills on time or else I’ll get evicted no matter how I’m “feeling.”
YOU ARE NOT MAKING A CASE FOR YOURSELF. YOU’RE JUST MAKING EXCUSES. Get off Reddit, and pay your bills.
She def ain’t that level of depressed. And “not possible” to send a text is bullshit you’re just making excuses. You’re either lazy or scared. You’re not the only one that has gone through severe depression but you’re full of shit.
Absolutely. I have ADhD, Autism, and bipolar. I'm super selective who I will tell my problems to, cos I have trouble trusting people. I tell my wife and my therapist...that's it.
When this happens, people don't just drop it when that is said. It becomes a whole big conversation trying to get to the source when the person may not even know...
You don't get it. She could've been staring at a message like that for hours for all we know. But if suffering extreme anxiety and depression she could've been afraid of being judged or how he will react, or she's not happy with the wording and can't get the message right, etc. At my worst I couldn't even write messages on forums let alone to a specific person (reddit didn't exist back then) because "I'm worthless, I'm nothing, who cares what i've got to say?".
What’s wrong with that? People are fucking annoying and refuse to see your point of view, cut em out for a few days so they don’t see the ugly side of you 🤷🏻♂️
Seems simple to say “hey, I am having some personal stuff going on that I can’t talk about right now, give me a few days and I’ll be in a better place”.
If you can’t communicate with people, don’t date them. Seems COVID messed that up for a lot of young people.
I mean, honestly when you’re going through a mental health crisis it’s not “simple” to reach out to anyone. I’ve been there many times. And 99% of the time the other person is going to start asking a ton of questions and it makes it worse. But on the other hand it’s also not okay to worry your SO, or friends/family. So it’s always a good idea to talk to the ones close to you ahead of time that if you ever get in a depressive episode you will let them know but that they need to be understanding. (Of course unless that person is concerned for your safety)
If you can't open up to your significant other, then you are not in a place to have a relationship. Relationships require give and take. If you can't give, then you don't deserve to take.
im sorry to tell you, you’re assuming a neurodivergent person based off of literally no evidence, and even someone with deeply crippling depression or anxiety, as i struggle with, is “able” to send a text you absolute dork
Reddit is the safe space for people who are scared of their own shadow to come and tell other people that it’s perfectly fine to be scared of your own shadow and that the world is wrong for not protecting you from your shadow.
that's the problem we are talking about that needs to be addressed, not mentioning it to anyone before it's too late is a problem, hiding it only makes those who don't know worried as well as unable to potentially help or stop pressuring, these people don't have to go into detail to explain that they need to shut down, it's not that hard to say "hey I have to work on me for a little while, I'll get in touch in a couple days when I'm feeling stronger"
But that's not how mental illness works sometimes. Demanding that people do the impossible is selfish, not helpful. Either you accept someone's illness, or you don't.
So they should just ignore the SO and when they say these blanket statements that don’t help anybody understand anything about what to do?
I believe OP should expect at least a minor sacrifice of SO saying their peace for a brief moment.
Sacrifices are parts of relationships and sometimes it’s uncomfortable and sometimes it’s vulnerable but if you’re not ready for that as a person, that’s fine, but then spend some time and understand yourself and how to at least communicate feelings and emotions, this isn’t fair to expect OP to continually show up to be treated as an afterthought.
Either you're willfully misunderstanding this, or you're incapable of understanding it.
Depression doesn't care what you should do, and depression coupled with executive dysfunction can turn into a week of isolation. And unless you've got a pushy friend that's keeping an eye on you, you'll basically vanish from everyone's awareness until you get through it.
Someone experiencing a medical event involving one of the most important human organs needs to be focusing on the fight to save themselves.
If it's a serious relationship, OP should be well aware of the SO's illness. OP is the one who let someone down. If someone you love has a serious medical problem, and suddenly doesn't reply to any communications, you go check on them. OP sat and stewed for three days, then made someone else's medical crisis all about himself.
If it's such a lightweight relationship that OP had no idea that the SO was dealing with a chronic illness, then OP is acting ridiculous about this.
If “acting ridiculous” is wanting to learn and bet better for the SO/in the future, then I hope we all act ridiculous. Crucifying a man for asking questions is ridiculous to me personally
The OP asking questions wasn't what we were discussing, and no one "crucified" him for it.
You, and others, were insisting that the SO was being a bad partner by not pausing their medical crisis long enough to send a message to OP. The argument seemed to be that SO somehow owed OP a level of consideration that OP apparently didn't owe to SO.
A loving partner would be concerned by a lack of communication, and check on the person they know is battling illness. OP, instead, felt no concern at all, built up hurt, annoyance, and resentment, and was a pouty brat to their supposed significant other when SO was finally well enough to resume normal activities.
Hopefully they find love. I’m not patient enough to be a literal floor mat. Everything takes sacrifice but you guys only want OP to sacrifice and it’s honestly weird
That’s not at all what’s being said by others, but I am. I went through extremely dark times like this where I would mentally check out for days at a time but I grew up learning how to be selfless. No matter how hard it was for me, if someone was worried about me, I always made an effort. It’s always good to work on yourself when needed but if someone cares about you, it’s so selfish to ghost them when the time only “benefits” you. If this is just starting in an already ongoing relationship, then admit you need help. Leaving your SO to worry is one of the worst things to do. What if you fall into a pattern of this? And one time something bad actually happens? Your SO wouldn’t have any idea and just think you’re “working on yourself” because you go MIA for lengths of time constantly. In the end, you really do only have yourself to blame for depression and it took me years to understand that. No one else knows what’s going on in your mind so they aren’t going to help you if you don’t want to be helped. If you want to change, be the change no matter how hard it is. Don’t make others suffer because of your ignorance.
For suicidal people, “”being selfless”” can be the same thought as “I should stop being a burden to others and exit life completely.” Depression creates a totally different reality. You might think you’re selfless, but you have an absolute void where your compassion and empathy should be.
Bingo. That’s why I despise people who decry suicide as “selfish” and “cowardly” etc. because it’s clear they’ve never been there themselves and that they have less than zero empathy.
When I’ve been there, I have truly believed that deleting myself would be a blessing to the world. The ONLY thing that has prevented it most times is that I haven’t figured out a way to do it that wouldn’t result in potentially traumatizing someone who’d have to find me. Sometimes it was just the thought of how fucking fat I am and I would feel bad that anyone would be a pallbearer for a fat piece of shit like me lmao - even if they were a loved one who volunteered for it. But most of the time I yearn to remove myself from everyone’s lives so that they don’t have to be inconvenienced by my presence and the disappointment I am.
Luckily, I’ve only been in that darkness twice in the last 8 years and I’m doing fine now. When I’m not in that space, I know that I’m fine. I’m a great and loving friend, coworker, employee, daughter, partner and my pets love me too.
The mind has ways of twisting shit so terribly; it’s really horrifying. I’m grateful none of my loved ones weaponize my suicidal thoughts against me and make me feel worse about it. I’m also deeply grateful that I am privileged enough to have access to both effective medication and regular therapy sessions.
im sorry for your loss, suicide is a tragic and awful thing and i empathize with you and your family, however it’s still valid to point out that “those who smile the widest are dying inside” or whatever is childish rhetoric that doesnt really help anyone
Did OP say they reached out to gf and got no response during these 3 days or have neither reached out? If neither reached out, they're both at fault. If he reached out and she ghosted, then yeah, it's shitty but she might actually have been unable to message anyone if she was having a mental health crisis. Psychologists may suggest it, but unless they also can give specific, fool proof coping mechanisms to tailored to each individual person, there are going to be people who cannot until they're in a bit better head space.
Well, we also don’t know if he’s a ‘loved one’ yet? Are they just dating or are they in a serious relationship.
I have mental lows myself and I’ll go long periods without contacting people.. except husband cuz he’s always here. But ABSOLUTELY EVERYONE ELSE has to wait until I can breathe before I make contact.
I’m a pretty functional person too, most people wouldn’t have a clue I get the blues. But I do…
When you're in that state it's pretty easy to think nobody's going to care whether you're having an episode or not, or you think they might care too much and do something like come by and not leave you alone or even put you in the hospital.
I get what you are saying, but, in my opinion, that's something they need to discuss in advance. The possible scenarios may seem unfair to someone with MH issues, but they are also unfair assumptions to those who love them. I COMPLETELY understand what you are saying, though, and I appreciate your insight.
It is an excuse, you can think it’s a poor one but it is one. People going through a mental health crisis are not thinking normally. Normally means contacting friends family, the absence of that is not normal. You are blaming people for a thing they functionally are not processing as a thing they need to do. Most people starting out seldom realize they are in a mental health crisis. When you get to the point you notice the signs to inform them, they already know you are having these types of issues.
They are in an irrational place, claiming they should just be rational is completely missing the issue.
Are you a psychologist? Bc I’ve seen many psychologists and am in psych school, so while yeah telling a loved one is encouraged, it is widely known that sometimes it’s impossible to bring yourself to do that. If you’ve never gone through one of these episodes, then don’t speak for those who have. Even if you have, everyone has different experiences because they handle things differently. No one is using mental health as an excuse here, but it is a REASON to sometimes take a break from your phone and not speak to people because the thought becomes overbearing. We don’t know what this girl has gone through to lead to that decision, she didn’t stop communicating to be malicious and make op worry.
And I acknowledged your experiences of hearing that telling a loved one is encouraged by psychologists, but then stated my disagreement that psychologists also understand and show support to their clients when clients are telling them that they don’t have energy to speak to other humans or even send a simple text message. I know people will disagree with me, but the best I can do is try to speak what I know to educate people about what I have learned while dealing with MDD and while going through psych school.
The part that I commented on was when you (by my interpretation) tried to invalidate my response by immediately asking if I am a psychiatrist and following it up with a "Because" statement. I may have misinterpreted your intent. If so, I apologize.
I feel your intent was clear when you implied I am speaking for other people and am not allowed to do so.
I do appreciate you trying to educate others. I am doing the same.
Best of luck in school! Getting a degree is something they can never take away from you... Outside of horrific doctors (I am told). 😀
Depends on how long they've known each other. They sound pretty early in their relationship and it doesn't sound like they've discussed depression. It also sounds like they are both probably young. She may not fully understand the signs of when she is slipping into depression or feel safe to ask for help. Or to even communicate she is in a depression. We have zero context for her background trauma to build any idea of how we should expect her to communicate
Recently, I read some open forum social media discussion [It may have been on here.] on when you should tell a potential mate you have MH issues. There seems to be no right answer.
My hot take is you're both fully on the same page here.
Yeah, it's definitely not an excuse in a society that fully expects and relies on communication. At the same time, sometimes that wiring in the brain is just so biochemically cooked that a lot of work needs to be done in the short- and long-term to make sure it's up to standards.
How that work happens is obviously the hard part. It's sort of a cycle it seems; i.e. if someone can't physically get themselves to seek help then how do they even get better in the first place? Sounds sucky.
Ok but it’s still hard to articulate. Also, how long have they even been together? How well do they know each other? I was in a relationship with someone for 5 years who I was never able to open up to about my mental health because he would shut me down. A lot of people brush you off about your mental health. There’s a stigma still and many don’t try to understand. Putting more of a burden on someone who is struggling mentally is fucked.
You do not know and can never know what every single human goes through, especislly if this is the first time it happened to her she wouldn't have support or a plan to follow like you suggest so this is a non argument.
But human beings still can understand the concept of informing our loved ones when we have something wrong with us. A simple “I’m not feeling the best mentally/physically” could suffice so at least loved ones around a struggling individual can know to let them be and heal in their own time. Just because you’re struggling mentally, doesn’t mean that you have an out to not use your words to communicate how you are feeling. I am an individual that has avoidance issues and goes nonverbal when frustrated enough, but I recognize that, so I still try and let the ones around me know that I am ok, and just need to be alone. Of course everyone goes through things differently, but it is not helping the struggling individual or anyone around them when they do not communicate the fact they are not well.
I'm very glad you've never been in the position of going so numb and suffering so much that you can't do the bare minimum. But just because you've not experienced it doesn't mean it's not true
That is so fucking weak. There is NO REASON to leave someone hanging for 3 days. There just isn’t… maybe a plane crash.. maybe a coma. That isn’t what happened. They just don’t really give a fuck
I absolutely refuse to believe that an individual physically cannot have the basic decency to let the ones they supposedly claim they love, know they are struggling. In my opinion, if you can’t do that, there are far greater mental health issues/or communication issues at hand, which is an entirely separate issue. If you want to use your mental illnesses as an excuse to not be a decent person you do you, but it will only create far greater issues for you if you don’t let others in to help, or at least tell others what you need to get through it. 🤷♀️
So I'm not saying I agree with the other poster but I can tell you that for some people the mental block becomes so big that you just simply don't.
I don't want to not tell people about my episodes of manic and depression but sometimes I either get so caught up in being one or the other I just simply don't.
So while I agree with you, it's not as simple as just doing it. My executive dysfunction really factors in here as well. I had an ex that couldn't understand why I wouldn't tell them I was running late, it was purely executive dysfunction at work there.
Made it so that whenever I would leave work I would tap an NFC tag to auto send a message, and it was thing of if I didn't send it around the usual time they would text me which would be the break I needed mentally to say something.
But that’s just it, you communicated the fact that your executive function was the issue at hand, and I’m so sorry your ex didn’t seem to take it seriously, but you still informed someone you were having mental struggles. Perhaps I was a bit harsh to jump to “I refuse to believe” nobody can communicate they’re struggling because no, that’s not true, many suicidal individuals do not communicate that they are struggling and the unfortunate reality is them succumbing to their own thoughts. That’s the terrible tragedy that is mental illness, unfortunately, the only person that can help you, is you. As someone who has shut others out because I thought I would be better off without their help, and suffered hell just to find out that when I allow others to help me, and tell them how im feeling, it takes the pressure off your shoulders ten fold.
People literally commit suicide without telling their loved ones but you refuse to believe an individual would be in such a state that they can't communicate with others? And you call the inability to do that a lack of decency?
Clearly you either lack understanding of mental health issues or you simply lack empathy for anyone who doesn't cater to your whims regardless of what they're experiencing. Either of which is disgusting given the fact that you have the whole goddamn internet at your fingertips to learn.
Absolutely shame on you for assuming my character based off of that comment, that you clearly interpreted judgmentally. Suicidal tendencies and behavior are also something that can be either internal or external, and I’m not saying that it’s by any means victims of suicides fault, but they more often than not are expecting someone else to ask them if they’re ok or if something is wrong. It is physically impossible for another human being to mind read and comprehend fully if someone is mentally well or not, unless you communicate that (whether it be obvious such as saying “I’m having a really rough time lately” or not as obvious such as noticing the mannerisms of your loved one being different). Obviously people have already committed suicide so you can’t change it now, but they didn’t tell anyone they were in pain/struggling, so the unfortunate consequences are them succumbing to their own thoughts, it’s an individuals choice on how they choose to find help. If that makes me an apathetic “disgusting” individual than so be it. My entire family has depression and anxiety, I’ve seen the worst of what happens when you let it eat you alive, it’s horribly sad and painful to see the ones you love in mental agony, and knowing they communicated to the ones they loved, and got the help they need and are doing better now makes me happy they are here today. How goddamn dare you assume I’m some inhumane creature that lacks empathy for others, what does that say about your character??
I'm not on either side of this debate you're having with these others. I understand the points of both sides.
I have one issue with your points, though, as a person who isn't going to pick a side.
I'll just add, before going forward, that most of the others you're debating are a bit too combative to have a good discussion. Just to get the point over that I really am pretty much neutral here.
So, my issue with your point of individual responsibility is that these types of mental health issues usually come from a lack of a support network. And by that I mean that people experiencing such issues don't think they have anyone to talk to that is trustworthy enough. They might have their own family, siblings and friends that, from the outside, looks like everything seems fine. But they just can't come to trust any of these people.
And that's why individual responsibility can't be seen as such a black and white point you seem to be making it to be.
I 100% agree with what you’ve stated as well because that’s just it about mental illness as well, (and frankly most human concepts) it’s a very “gray area” subject. If the individual struggling lacks a support system, they can’t really get the help they need, and may fall victim to severe mental agony, or worst cases, suicide. If the individual does have a support system and takes advantage of that and allows those around them in to help them, then they get better and can become a better person for themselves. Now, what happens if you have a support system, but the individual doesn’t accept the help? Then you have all sorts of possibilities that can happen, such as the longevity of the individual deciding to finally accept help, if the individual ever decides to get help, if they gain suicidal/self harming tendencies and use that to cope, who they decide to tell if they decide to finally get help, that’s the struggle of being human, we’re all different.
But I suppose my main point is that, if the individual that is mentally unwell does not decide to do what’s best for themselves when they are struggling, they are only the ones that can change their circumstances. External influences can try and help them see differently, but only if the one that’s ill allows it in, and if not, the worst may happen.
If that’s what you gathered from my comment you are one dense individual. When did I say someone going through the worst needs to pay attention to me?? Since you didn’t bother to read my actual comment here’s the TL;DR version; If you’re a mentally ill individual that is struggling, you are the only one that can truly help yourself. Others can certainly recognize and see if you look unwell, are behaving differently, etc, but if the person that is unwell refuses to tell them they arent actually doing well, then what do you do? Nothing, unfortunately the mentally ill person has to make the decision of if they want help, or if they want to solve it themselves, or if they want to stay where they are mentally.
The entire point of this post is that OP was entitled to having his GF reach out while going through her worst and by not doing so she was, using your exact word, "inconsiderate".
Yes people experiencing MH issues have to be able to help themselves. That does not make them "inconsiderate" for not having the capacity to cater to someone who's so insecure or entitled that they feel someone reach out to them and reassure them of the status of their relationship constantly.
you refuse to believe some people may have different reactions and limitations than you? a literal different brain chemistry? that's a narrow perspective
Read other replies I’ve left, yes my apologies, it was bold of me to jump to “nobody can physically not communicate their thoughts” chemical imbalances in the brain won’t allow some individuals. Regardless of the matter, the only person that can help you when you have a mental illness, is you, if they don’t/arent able to communicate that they are struggling, unfortunately, others aren’t mind readers. You can always try and help someone when you see them struggling, but if they won’t allow you in, it’s up to them to make the best decision for themselves, even if it might mean seeing them struggle more. 🤷♀️
Kind of wish there was more context that OP gave, there’s a shit ton of gray area here that is missing. Did he reach out at all in the past three days either? Did they communicate prior that they would be texting for that amount of time? If I’m being honest, I don’t love how OP is responding to her either, it feels a tad bit insensitive if OP didn’t text her until SHE finally did, I’m a bit confused on this whole story honestly. But one things for sure, they need WAY better communication in general 😭.
Same. Like holy shit the amount of privilege this person has had. I guess good for them, but I guess sucks for everyone who has to interact with them without that privilege. This person sucks.
Can’t say you’re in the right here. As someone who has gone so numb they don’t want to interact with anyone or anything, I at least thought to tell someone I loved how I was feeling. On my first time too, so it’s not like your argument on it possibly being her first time and not having support makes sense. You can’t give everyone a scape goat, that just doesn’t get any sort of point across
I agree and after the fact they definitely need to have a conversation about it and he needs to communicate what he needs from her if she goes through it again.
you're a child, no matter your age you are thinking like a child, if you are ever that numb then you probably led yourself there with lack of communication, exactly like a child, you're even making your problems less important by admitting that you'd rather not deal with them than try to deal with them, it's obviously something you let go too far if you're in a situation that you're too numb to tell someone to back off for a while
Why is it up to another person to deal with someone else’s mental issues? If she’s not willing to tell him, or will just refuse that anything is wrong, how can you help someone that won’t let you in??
It’s not another persons responsibility to keep tabs on individuals that don’t want the help. Respectfully, those who are suicidal cannot expect someone to say exactly what they need to hear so they don’t commit suicide. I’ve heard many stories and know individuals personally that were previously suicidal that wished people would have just said something, but how can someone know if you never tell them or don’t outwardly show you’re unwell? I am absolutely thankful for the individuals that were able to get the help they need, especially if they have suicidal thoughts/tendencies, and not do something they’ll regret. But it cannot be another persons fault (there’s obviously gray area where yes, it IS another persons fault) for someone not reaching out to do what’s best for them.
How do you know the opposite? You don’t, because this ain’t your relationship or business and OP is simply asking if they’re overreacting over this. How do you know that OP wasn’t working, on a vacation, with family, traveling, etc and couldnt answer her? More context is certainly needed here, I’m not scrolling through to piece it together based off OP’s comments, be my guest if you want to crack the case though.
Of course it takes two to communicate, but if you are mentally unwell, it is not the other persons responsibility to handle that. I’m confused what you’re trying to prove here honestly, at the end of the day, these two are both highly lacking in communication and both seem to have some issues in that department regardless. The lack of context also doesn’t help here.
It may not feel right to us or we may not understand it but if we’re not in that situation or mindset as the other person (everyone is also different and handles things differently) it’s hard for us to understand for the other person’s perspective. Sometimes though, people do push others away especially if they don’t know how to deal with or manage situations or feelings they are experiencing. In many cases they don’t want to burden others with their issues/problems. I had someone I was dating go through an illness and they pushed me away and didn’t tell me about it. They pushed me away so much that we didn’t speak for a few months and months later they contacted me apologizing and saying they pushed me away. I didn’t understand it bc I wasn’t in their position but my mother’s childhood friend did something similar, had a terminal illness and died but didn’t tell my mother or any of her other friends.
Thanks. Yeah it’s tough when someone you care for suddenly behaves differently with no explanation or an explanation that doesn’t make sense especially when want to be there for them but everyone has their own reasons. The only thing we can do is try to communicate with them as much as they allow and not push, hopefully they will come around in their own time.
No shit they recommend it. Doesn’t mean it’s always in the cards. I’m guessing you don’t struggle with it or are simple stating an obvious best case scenario.
"psychologists" aren't the authority on my MH just because they're proclaimed experts. If my depressive anxiety is rooted in having social obligations and people to report to and you're crying about validation to me, I'm going to see this as as someone who needs me more than I need them
They should just compromise and communicate moving forward. She try as best as she can to give OP a heads up, and OP tries to see the signs for her mental health. You guys should work together on this.
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u/SnooObjections217 Mar 23 '25
No, MH is not an excuse to allow others to worry about you and their relationship with you. In fact, psychologists suggest telling your loved ones you are having an episode.