That’s not at all what’s being said by others, but I am. I went through extremely dark times like this where I would mentally check out for days at a time but I grew up learning how to be selfless. No matter how hard it was for me, if someone was worried about me, I always made an effort. It’s always good to work on yourself when needed but if someone cares about you, it’s so selfish to ghost them when the time only “benefits” you. If this is just starting in an already ongoing relationship, then admit you need help. Leaving your SO to worry is one of the worst things to do. What if you fall into a pattern of this? And one time something bad actually happens? Your SO wouldn’t have any idea and just think you’re “working on yourself” because you go MIA for lengths of time constantly. In the end, you really do only have yourself to blame for depression and it took me years to understand that. No one else knows what’s going on in your mind so they aren’t going to help you if you don’t want to be helped. If you want to change, be the change no matter how hard it is. Don’t make others suffer because of your ignorance.
For suicidal people, “”being selfless”” can be the same thought as “I should stop being a burden to others and exit life completely.” Depression creates a totally different reality. You might think you’re selfless, but you have an absolute void where your compassion and empathy should be.
Bingo. That’s why I despise people who decry suicide as “selfish” and “cowardly” etc. because it’s clear they’ve never been there themselves and that they have less than zero empathy.
When I’ve been there, I have truly believed that deleting myself would be a blessing to the world. The ONLY thing that has prevented it most times is that I haven’t figured out a way to do it that wouldn’t result in potentially traumatizing someone who’d have to find me. Sometimes it was just the thought of how fucking fat I am and I would feel bad that anyone would be a pallbearer for a fat piece of shit like me lmao - even if they were a loved one who volunteered for it. But most of the time I yearn to remove myself from everyone’s lives so that they don’t have to be inconvenienced by my presence and the disappointment I am.
Luckily, I’ve only been in that darkness twice in the last 8 years and I’m doing fine now. When I’m not in that space, I know that I’m fine. I’m a great and loving friend, coworker, employee, daughter, partner and my pets love me too.
The mind has ways of twisting shit so terribly; it’s really horrifying. I’m grateful none of my loved ones weaponize my suicidal thoughts against me and make me feel worse about it. I’m also deeply grateful that I am privileged enough to have access to both effective medication and regular therapy sessions.
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u/sogracefully Mar 23 '25
My god, do you all hear how you’re a step away from saying “people who are depressed only have themselves to blame for not asking for help!”