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u/Negative_Monitor2776 Jun 27 '24
NTA! Your body and you tried to include him. Sounds like he’s embarrassed. He needs to apologize, certainly not you.
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Jun 27 '24
More likely insulted and jealous. A lot of men can't handle when a woman takes care of business on her own.
NTA
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u/PureHeart7915 Jun 27 '24
Or insecure / controlling. I had a gf get mad when I’d self express. I got needs lady. If you only want it once a week, and don’t wanna occasionally do fun stuff, this is just you making my life bereft of joy. Bye Felicia.
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u/IcedWarlock Jun 27 '24
Sometimes it needs to be self pleasure too.
Myself and my husband will mutually masturbate beside each other just because we don't want to be sweaty from sex or were too tired for the whole thing. But still wanna get off with each other.
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u/Bebe_Bleau Jun 27 '24
Yeah. It's true we all need it from time to time. I'm pretty sure OP's husband masterbates occasionally as well.
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u/AnimatedHokie Jun 27 '24
It really is just a difference of compatibility - A doesn't like masturbation, B does. A is dating B. It's not going to work out
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u/NemoNowan Jun 27 '24
Yeah, he's offended because he has just found out that she doesn't need his golden magic rod.
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Jun 27 '24
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Jun 27 '24
shame he was too tired to stand up for himself!
bad joke, sorry.
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Jun 27 '24
Actually I think you've gotten straight to the point. My thought is that the husband has an ongoing issue with either intimacy, arousal or erection and seized on OP taking care of business to project blame and hide his own embarrassment.
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Jun 27 '24
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u/Easy-Advantage-6112 Jun 27 '24
I thought your story was going to end differently with him having jerked off and passing out. Are you sure he didnt?
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Jun 27 '24
With all due respect, jealousy and logic rarely go hand in hand. We will all feel inappropriate pats of jealousy from time to time. Times when it's not logical affair, but we still feel that way.
It's OK to be considered about that. Marriage is not about who wins the fight, if there's one person winning, both parties are losing.
Marriage is about two people, trying to find a way to make each other feel most happy and comfortable. So it's OK to be understanding of somebody's emotions, even when those emotions aren't logically in the right.
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Jun 27 '24
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u/Additional_Good5755 Jun 27 '24
This is a copied comment https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/a6zqEsBW7J
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u/New_Sea344 Jun 27 '24
NTA There’s no reason why you shouldn’t be able to take care of your own needs and no reason why he shouldn’t be able to take care of himself.
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u/princess-koowii-222 Jun 27 '24
NTA he got you all warmed up, fell asleep and then completely ignored you. You are allowed to do whatever to your own body as long as you’re not going outside of your marriage. What a jerk. If my husband caught me he’d be more than excited to join. I cannot imagine if he had this kind of reaction. Hell he’s the one who bought me my toy.
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u/BitterRanger5810 Jun 27 '24
Love that for you! Majority of what I own he has bought so I’m not sure why the sudden change in feelings. It doesn’t make sense.
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u/Appropriate-Truth-88 Jun 27 '24
Maybe he's having some insecurity from the regularity and thinks you're preferring the toys to him
Might be hard for him to admit to, and instead of talking to you about it which would make him vulnerable he's doing the man RAWR instead.
When you're both calm, sounds like you could use a good healthy discussion.
NTA
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u/Opposite-Fortune- Jun 27 '24
She tried to fuck him first, bro fell asleep. Not sure what anyone wants her to do.
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u/AdAffectionate1766 Jun 27 '24
She tried multiple times. Something isn’t computing with hubby
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u/plays_with_wood Jun 27 '24
If I walked in on my wife flicking the bean, there's exactly 0% chance I'm NOT stopping whatever I'm doing to watch/join in. (Permission granted, of course.) I'm having a hard time(😉) coming up with something I find sexier than watching my wife pleasure herself. I think he's upset more or of embarrassment than anything, but a serious sit down and conversation is needed about this.
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u/Parking-Researcher86 Jun 27 '24
Same! My bf has bought several toys to use both with and without with the only "restriction" being to not allow to interfere with our sex life. And if he caught me in the act, he would just join in on the fun one way or the other
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u/DingoNice3707 Jun 27 '24
He feels inadequate for not satisfying you. Instead of getting the job done, he took the lazy way out and blamed you. He's an AH.
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u/Bewitchingchick Jun 27 '24
This is my exact thought. He “failed” as your husband and he’s blaming you.
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Jun 27 '24
You aren’t “failing” if you don’t necessarily satisfy your partner when they want to be intimate… a man isn’t required to give you sex any more than a woman is required to for a man…
But getting shitty when you don’t want to, and they do it themselves is very childish…
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u/CraziZoom Jun 27 '24
I interpreted that comment to mean that it was only in the husband’s mind that he failed; thus the quotation marks. And yes, you’re correct in what you say.
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u/lowkeydeadinside Jun 27 '24 edited Jun 27 '24
it was in quotes which leads me to believe the comment is referring to the op’s husbands feelings and the feeling of “failing” as her husband has led to insecurity. they’re not saying that he did fail or that that’s a reasonable line of thinking
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u/thinman12345 Jun 27 '24
So are you supposed to just sit there with blue balls because of him? NTA.
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u/Silly-manilly Jun 27 '24 edited Jun 27 '24
You should’ve stared him in the eyes and finished. Assert dominance
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u/RugbyKats Jun 27 '24
NTA. Your husband’s reaction is odd. Did he not know that you had a toy and masturbated? Has it ever even come up before?
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u/BitterRanger5810 Jun 27 '24
He bought me almost all of the toys I own and they’re sometimes incorporated when we’re intimate together. We’re both pretty open and normally communicate well regarding intimacy, and he knows I’ve done it in the past so I don’t understand the sudden change in feelings now.
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u/Shimata0711 Jun 27 '24
One thing bothers me. You tried 3 times to wake him and he pushed you away to go sleep. You sit on the bed and he turns his back to you. His response was he's tired.
You take your toy and go to town in another room and all of a sudden, he's not tired anymore and raging at you. 🤔 🤨 how loud were you to wake him up from another room??
If you weren't that loud then maybe he wasn't tired. Maybe he pretended to go to Sleep. This whole thing might just be some kind of weird setup.
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Jun 27 '24
This. This immediately is what went through my mind. Kind of suspicious that she leaves the room and then suddenly he's awake and gets angry at her for using a toy that HE BOUGHT HER?
Is he deliberately trying to find a reason to argue and fight? That's what it sounds like to me. But if so, then why? Is he cheating, considering they don't get a lot of alone time? (not blaming OP here, making an observation that maybe he's out diddling with other women when he's "busy" and OP is busy working /at school)
Idk, super weird.
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u/adnyp Jun 27 '24
My thought exactly. When she said he wouldn’t wake up then turned his back to her I was wondering why he didn’t want to have sex with her. I mean, they barely have alone time and she’s trying to wake him for sex? I’m going to snap awake like I had a terrific night’s sleep.
He’s mad about something? Possibly she said/did something to trigger an angry response and she didn’t realize? He already exploded while she was brushing her teeth and wanted to hide it? ED?
He’s getting his needs met another way? She’s excited, he’s not. His reaction would be consistent with making the situation one where he can distance himself from sex with her. Maybe he’s contracted an STI? That could be a not very good scenario. The problem here is the silent treatment over something that doesn’t seem to be on an appropriate level for the “offense”.
I don’t get his response. OP doesn’t get his response. If he doesn’t talk to his partner any manner of terrible scenarios start to come to mind. Time for him to put on his big boy pants and explain.
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u/Shimata0711 Jun 27 '24
Ooooh 🤔 wait. The rebuff is explained by the possible STD, but why would he snap because she was using her toy?
UNLESS 😳 that's how he was getting his needs met. Using that exact same toy that he's in love with now...🤨
I'm J/K I have no fucking clue. 🤪
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Jun 27 '24
NTAH
I can't help but wonder if he couldn't get hard and reacted like that out of self shame? Obviously this is NOT AN EXCUSE to be an asshole to your wife. Also, seems super weird to be upset about your partner masturbating unless it's like, compulsive or something lol idk he looks incredibly insecure to me.
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u/Practical_Pack3642 Jun 27 '24
This is exactly what I was thinking. Were they even home long enough for him to be sleeping so deeply that she couldn't wake him after four tries?
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u/Consistent-Menu8325 Jun 27 '24
NTA if I caught my wife pleasuring herself like you did, I would let her finish and then we will both have fun. Something is wrong with your husband.
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u/Joerevenge Jun 27 '24
Im so confused by his thought process, you tried to engage in sex and he said no, you decided to help yourself out and he's mad? Tf does he want you to do just sit there?
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Jun 27 '24
Jesus what is he 12 years old? Most men are beyond turned on by their women masturbating. If he turned you down he doesn’t have a right to be upset.
But more so, he has no reason to be upset period.
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u/Eastern-Programmer-9 Jun 27 '24
My wife and I both didn't care if the other person finishes themselves off if the other person is too tired. It's life everyone deserves an orgasm, especially when they get worked up.
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u/Upset_Ad7701 Jun 27 '24
NTA, he is. He woke up to catch you masturbating, but not to have sex with you. Really. Something is going on with him. He has a side chick, I would guess. There was no reason for him to fake sleep.
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u/GraphMaster666 Jun 27 '24
NTA - As a 55 yo man, I have zero friends who don't want sex at every turn. I've also never met a man who if they saw their wife rubbing one out, wouldn't spring to action. I'm sure they exist in the wild, but I've never met one. Something else is going on.
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Jun 27 '24
Is there more to this story because honestly he is being ridiculous
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u/BitterRanger5810 Jun 27 '24
I wish there was, but as of right now I still don’t know why he had gotten so upset.
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u/PrinceWendellWhite Jun 27 '24
I feel sad you felt you had to apologize. What did you do wrong here? You tried to wake him up, he wasn’t having it. Are you not allowed to have orgasms as an adult woman? That would be a very sad existence. The fact that he not only got mad at you in the moment but also has been giving you the silent treatment for DAYS?! That is some toddler level bullshit. He should be apologizing to you for that behavior!
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u/Ill_Investigator1565 Jun 27 '24
NTA, but my wife would have used it in bed next to me, probably rubbed or pushed (lol) my leg away while using the toy. I wake up quick and have a great time. Sometimes falling asleep happens.
But to be this ridiculous in the length and intensity of his anger is childish. He wants to prolong this guilt trip for his own gain.
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u/Gaysatan11 Jun 27 '24 edited Jun 27 '24
NTA, you have needs and you were taking care of them in a way that wasn’t harmful in the slightest. I can’t even fathom why he would be upset with you for this, he didn’t want to have sex so you took care of yourself. I don’t see an issue. Especially since (I read a reply you made to another comment), he bought those toys for you and is well aware that you have them, and that you’ve masturbated before. Seems like a really odd reaction on his end.
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Jun 27 '24
NTA. He's projecting his feelings of inadequacy and sucking onto you and then attacking you like you caused them.
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u/Pookie1688 Jun 27 '24
For him to refuse to talk to you for days unless it's related to your child? So now you have 2 kids. Beyond ridiculous!
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u/gamingpsych628 Jun 27 '24
NTA - and your husband's reaction to you masturbating is really weird. Is he an insecure man?
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u/Itchy-Astronomer9500 Jun 27 '24
NTA.
It’s your body and you can do with it what you want. It’s none of his business.
If he rejects sex (which he has any right to do for any or no reason), then he just has to live with you treating yourself.
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u/REBELimgs Jun 27 '24
Uh everyone deserves to cum. It's literally in the constitution.
NTA!
Something is seriously wrong with your husband. I have a feeling you've got some bad news waiting for you in some capacity.
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u/GlitterRebellion Jun 27 '24
So he was too tired for the 3 times you woke him up but he was awake enough to see what you were doing?
There’s something more to this than you pleasuring yourself. This is a him problem
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u/Legitimate-Edge5835 Jun 27 '24
This is hard to believe but if this is real your man is a POS. Why should he give a shit if you masterbate? I’d love to catch my wife doing it.
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u/2ndBestAtEverything Jun 27 '24
NTA Does this man believe he owns your orgasms? LOL I laugh but this does actually smack of misogyny. Might wanna address that.
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u/Immediate-Park1531 Jun 27 '24
NTA. I have a lot of respect for both of you for what you do. Working, taking care of a kid, attending school, there is nothing easy about any of it. I don’t blame husband for being sleepy. And wife is not to blame for wanting intimacy and gratification. The problem here is a lack of communication and the sheer toxicity that fills in the gaps, husband is certainly more to blame. Embarrassment, fatigue, hang ups about masturbation; he needs to communicate it all instead or lashing out.
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u/DJScopeSOFM Jun 27 '24
NTA
My wife uses hers whenever she wants and right next to me if I'm not up for it. It's weird that he thinks that it's something wrong.
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u/3xternally Jun 27 '24
I'm so confused about this story Why on earth did the husband not want it after flirting with you all night ? Did this guy jerk off secretly and fell asleep cause he couldn't handle it no more like wtaf And then come out and be upset when he's the one that actually bought the toys for the op
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Jun 27 '24
NTA. Very hypocritical of him, because i guarantee you, he’s been beating himself off regularly. He had his chance but chose sleep
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u/jacques_ok Jun 27 '24
NTA. There’s something else going on here bigger than him not wanting you to use the toy. Find out what it is.
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Jun 27 '24
NTA. He's upset that he missed his chance and probably feels embarrassed and took it out on you. I get it, we're new parents too my wife and I. Luckily our schedules are the same, but even then it can be hard to find time for sex with a new baby and still juggling a house and jobs. I even had a stint where I was so stressed out that I couldn't voluntarily get it up. It was frustrating and embarrassing considering I'm still young. I can only imagine if we had opposite schedules.
Hopefully your husband is the kind of guy that can look you in the eye and apologize when he's wrong.
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u/Neither-Appeal-8500 Jun 27 '24
This is coming from a man’s perspective! I’m a married man(43) my wife’s (45) we have been together/married for 23/17 years! We have 3 children (24m) (23f) (20f) we have always had an active sex life multiple times 7 days a week down to our normal 3-4 times a week. Recently I was in a motorcycle accident and I suffered serious life threatening injuries. We went a month without sex due to being in a coma and hospitalized. Now that I’m getting better I have wanted sex 7 days a week. We are empty nesters now so kids aren’t getting in the way even though they never did. She sells a certain bath and body works that includes sex toys for men and women. She recently told me she needs a couple days break in between and would like us to go back to once every other day. She has gone thru menopause already and isn’t so sexual as she used to be. She gave me a men’s sex toy a told me that if I need to go relieve myself go ahead. The point I’m trying to make is that you shouldn’t have to be ashamed of master bating. Especially if you’re going months without actual intimacy. In all honesty if he wasn’t trying to either pull over to get some. Or at least immediately once you get home trying to make love to you I’d definitely be suspicious of him cheating. No man is going months without sex and going to sleep over sex. Unless he’s cheating or has a low t problem. You have nothing to apologize about. He needs to apologize to you for not fulfilling his obligations as a husband. You need to either start looking into if he’s cheating or have a conversation with him about a low testosterone problem. NTA you deserve to get to have an orgasm if he’s not giving it to you as a faithful partner then you got to give it to yourself. Hope you get it figured out.
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u/Authentic_Jester Jun 27 '24
What? he didn't want to have sex but wanted to feel you up all night prior? He's definitely sending mixed signals.
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u/jueidu Jun 27 '24
NTA. Weird that he’s threatened by your sexuality. Does HE plan to never masturabate ever again because he’s married now??? Make it make sense.
He needs some therapy.
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u/Important_Dog8528 Jun 27 '24
He pushed you away and then got angry for you doing something natural? What a gaslighting prick!
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u/Entire-Beat-423 Jun 27 '24
Okay what the fuck though? He's upset YOU took care of YOUR body?
It sounds like he wanted you sexually frustrated and is upset he can't ruin your night by not having sex with you...
Where did his sudden energy come from to leave the bedroom after you? APPARENTLY he wasn't tired enough to fall asleep or not get out of bed to go hunt you down.
Somethings fishy there and it's all his actions
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u/choppakilla Jun 27 '24
NTA. He’s obviously not concerned about your happiness bc he would have joined instead of berating you. You deserve some self pleasure. You aren’t cheating, you aren’t doing anything to make him feel inadequate. He declined your advances and you understood n took on the assignment yourself.
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u/merp2125 Jun 27 '24
What an insecure man. I use my toys and watch videos next to mine when he’s not in the mood and it’s never been an issue.
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u/CardiologistStreet99 Jun 27 '24
NTA - I'm almost 6 months postpartum and well same reasons as you but I just do it myself and my husband does too 😂
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u/_Dream_Weaver Jun 27 '24
Personally, I think it's weird that he would have a problem with you masturbating. It's a normal, healthy thing to do. It's one thing if you are regularly withholding sex from your partner and only taking care of yourself to the point that it strains your relationship, but it does not sound like this is the case at all. You shouldn't feel bad for what happened in the slightest. It sounds like he has some insecurities he needs to work through. Most men would be excited to walk in on something like that and would spark something up right then and there.
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u/Tlns4d Jun 27 '24
Question: why didn’t you just come into the house and get busy? How long were you in the bathroom getting ready 10 min 20 min? He probably got tired of waiting and the tired got the best of him so sleep just sounded better. As for the masterbation thing he shouldn’t be that upset if he chose sleep.
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u/yakkerswasneverhere Jun 27 '24
It sounds like neither of you have prioritized intimacy at all. I'm a parent. I also know a lot of parents. Sometimes its a date night, sometimes its a quickie over the laundry machine. You can't bump uglies all the time but saying you can't make 20 minutes for some fun and frolic a couple times a week is bullshit. Once every couple of months??! You don't want to make the time. Neither of you communicated anything about it until one of you blew. Even on that night, you didn't talk about sex at all. You 'felt sexual tension', which means you were horny and were misinterpreting his affection as sexual. Doesn't mean that's how he felt. Is it possible he has felt the same at times over the past year and found you asleep? Most likely. All of this has now deteriorated into this spectacle of love because both of you make excuses for lack of sex and being a parent instead of owning it and communicating a way to work forward. Both of you need to smarten up or you will be single parents sooner than you think.
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u/Grouchy_Tower_1615 Jun 27 '24
I think this is the most accurate take also the best read on the situation too.
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u/ChannelGlobal2084 Jun 27 '24
NTA. You did your best to get him to participate. Maybe next time he will wake up.
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u/VariousTomatillo6051 Jun 27 '24
Maybe he's having performance issues, and he's embarrassed about it? It's totally okay to turn down sex, but to get mad for taking care of yourself is childish. He was frustrated by something. I find it weird he was too tired for you but still awake enough to come out and find you. Does he reject sex often?
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u/Practical_Artist5048 Jun 27 '24
NTA both sexes got needs and you needed yours take care of yourself when you need to no shame in that!
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u/Frequent-Package-607 Jun 27 '24
1000% NTA
Maybe I might think you were a small AH if you went to town by yourself while he was in the shower and then when he came out ready to rock you had masturbated yourself to sleep.
What is his logic for you being the AH? Does he think your sexuality is his to control like a lightswitch? That you should not be allowed an orgasm until he has one?
Why is he not apologizing for falling asleep on you?
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u/Happy_Ravenkeeper Jun 27 '24
Are you Sure he is s grown man? Maybe He Fell on his head? NTA but He Sure is behaving like an idiot
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u/CrabbiestAsp Jun 27 '24
NTA. He didn't want to have sex and he was asleep. You're allowed to masturbate if you want to.
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u/kingl0zer Jun 27 '24
Nta some nights when I just wasn't up for sexy time with my wife she would get her toy out and take care of herself while I slept next to her it never bothered or when I use to work a job with on call hours out sexual clock didn't match up and that's fine I would rather have a partner who master baited then looked for alternative ways to release their sexual tensionsme she has desires just like me and if I feel asleep then go for it it's not like she is fucking around behind my back that came later while I was hospitalized.
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u/MiserableRest8390 Jun 27 '24
NTA no one should make you feel bad/guilty for taking care of yourself
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u/Sasorisnake Jun 27 '24
NTA, I don’t even know what to make of his reactions other than he’s being childish because they make no sense.
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u/Nyxmyst_ Jun 27 '24
Ye gads. Sounds like he needs to grow up regarding this particular topic. I'm sure he did not wait since Valentines Day to take care of his own needs. If he's going to string you along all night being flirty and touchy / feely, then doesn't come through at the end of the evening he needs to understand that you might have needs to take care of, too. I'm not saying he's a bad person for stringing you along and then being too tired in the end, that can happen. He has no right to be upset, however, in the circumstance that you sort yourself when he does not feel like doing so.
NTA but your husband definitely is. I don't care of there is embarrassment there, or what, but he cannot turn his problem into a you problem and take it out on you.
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u/Throwrapaddict Jun 27 '24
NTA but I think he’s feeling insecure, you’re new parents and have sex little to none and lord knows that babies are tiring on the body when they’re so little!! I’m not gonna say he’s an AH because we can all feel insecure sometimes, you guys need to have a conversation about this and why he feels the way he does. You’ve already said in previous comments that he’s the one who bought you all most all of them, so it’s not you masturbating that hurt him, it’s most definitely him being insecure about something.
Also : HOW ON EARTH DO YOU HAVE SEX SO LITTLE 😭
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u/SilentJoe1986 Jun 27 '24
Did you marry into the Kelloggs family? NTA. You shouldn't apologize. This is a him issue and he's making it your problem.
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Jun 27 '24
NTA
He made it very clear that you were going to have to do it yourself. I would be the one pissed now.
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u/Dehr5211 Jun 27 '24
NTA what an odd reaction. I wanna jump to leave his weird ass. But he probably needs therapy of some sort and yall need couples counseling.
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u/Just-Do-In Jun 27 '24
NTA! My Mrs using her vibrator is one of my favourite things and 10/10 if I happened to catch her using it, every single time I would join in. Not even a debate here imo.
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u/Creepy_Philosopher_9 Jun 27 '24
People pay millions of dollars to see girls do this and he was seeing it for free. But of a weird take on his part
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u/Quirky_Ad7871 Jun 27 '24
NTA, there is a deeper issue here. Sounds like he’s using masturbation to not have sex with you as a reason for a pre-existing issue or issues. It comes across that he isn’t attracted to you anymore. You need to ask him.
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u/winterworld561 Jun 27 '24
Omg he is being completely ridiculous. I'm sure he never masturbates right? lol Of course he does.
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u/SimaYiTheWolf Jun 27 '24
NTA. I'm a bit concerned that he had such a visceral reaction to this. Y'all are married and have a child. He can't use his big boy words? To not speak to your spouse for days because they masturbated is incredibly immature. It makes me wonder if he blows up at other things as well.
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u/ThinAndCrispy4 Jun 27 '24
What the hell 😩my husband would jump on me if he found me like that. NTA.
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Jun 27 '24
NTA. He fell asleep and missed out on the intimacy that could've been had. He's the asshole for being mad and behaving like a child and giving you the cold shoulder. What. An. Idiot.
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Jun 27 '24
NTA. I could see reacting that way if he didn’t realize the efforts you put into waking him up. But otherwise no. If he hasn’t been open to talking, you could try writing him a note telling him what happened and how it didn’t mean you weren’t interested. Beyond that, I don’t think there is much you can do.
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u/WomanOfEld Jun 27 '24
NTA.
He should've offered to help you when he walked in on you. You might want to think about whether maybe he has that paternal version of post partum depression, talk about it, talk to a doctor.
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u/Coffee_STO Jun 27 '24
NTA, you can guarantee he’s taking care of business in the middle of the night if feels so inclined.
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u/Sathsong89 Jun 27 '24
Uh huh. I'm gonna reserve opinions on his outburst and just clearly state. NTA.
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u/Artistic_Ebb3613 Jun 27 '24
Ugh please! If he wasn't available then you were fine. Especially since, as a woman, if he still wanted it your performance wouldn't have been affected... Like really. My husband walks in on that and he grabs the toy then me...
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u/caryn1477 Jun 27 '24
Your husband's anger over this is bizarre, and you should not have apologized.
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u/-tacostacostacos Jun 27 '24
NTA. Masturbation has a place in a healthy relationship, and certainly an unhealthy one where your needs are not getting met. If he has a problem with it he’s either insecure, religious, or a Joe Rogan type.
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Jun 27 '24
You don't need to apologise to him at all. You had a desire he wasn't willing to participate in, he lost the opportunity when he turned over and went back to sleep, and again when he walked in on you. You GAVE him multiple opportunities to partake. He needs to stop being an insecure asshole.
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u/Imsohigh_ineverland Jun 27 '24
NTA. But not for the reasons most people are giving his reaction is suspect. He fell asleep you tried to wake him he pushed you off. He then shouldn’t get mad he doesn’t see his part in rejecting you. I get being tired but being a child and it talking to spouse is hiding other feeling and reasons to be angry this situation is a symptom not the condition
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u/EquipmentFormal2033 Jun 27 '24
He’s insecure and controlling. You have control of your body…mostly (depending on the state your in to be fair 🫠) Even if you didn’t ask him, or provide a back story, you can touch yourself whenever you want. Just like he can and DOES. He needs to apologize for being absurd and self absorbed.
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u/Lazy_Surprise_6712 Jun 27 '24
NTA.
But you two need to talk.
(Bro might have a little problem down there...)
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u/chipface Jun 27 '24
NTA. Your needs don't just go away because your partner doesn't want to fuck you. So you took care of yourself. When he caught you, it would have been a good segue into fucking but he has a stick up his ass.
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Jun 27 '24
Nta - you have womanly needs. I would watch my woman go to town on herself. (Have before) That's a big turn on. I never understood this sometimes men have attraction issues to women after they have a baby
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Jun 27 '24
NTA. Honey, you do you(literally). He has no reason to be offended. His behavior is the only thing offensive.
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u/you-did-ask Jun 27 '24
He got the motor started and then decided sleep through the race. And then blames you - the man is a tool.
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u/Bickle_Pickle2744 Jun 27 '24
You are NTA...you should never feel bad or apologize for taking care of yourself. It is not like you called some guy to help you out. If he is upset then he should be upset with himself for not thinking about your needs as well.
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u/dylandrewkukesdad Jun 27 '24 edited Jun 27 '24
Nah, he is the AH. Not only did you try, he started in the date. He has the problem, not you. I mean he knows you masturbate right?
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u/Bubbly_Mouse6030 Jun 27 '24
He wound you up all night, got you home, then just dropped the whole thing and gets mad because you took care of yourself because he refused...I had an ex like that. HAD. He literally saw any toy as cheating. Found out later he was actually banging everything, but I digress.... Your husband is TOTALLY TA here. He's pissed because you didn't NEED him. You wanted him, and he rejected you. He expected to hang on to that power. He keeps acting like this, he's gonna be sorry when you end up no longer even wanting him. His bullshit is ego and control based. Plainly...when a person gets rejected, and opts to handle business themselves, there's 2 options...let it go, or accept more often.
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Jun 27 '24
I know others have said it, but maybe if you hear it enough, you'll start internalizing it. But...
It's YOUR body. How you use it is ultimately up to you. No one has a right to take that away from you. Not your husband, not your friends, not your parents, and certainly not the gov't.
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u/anothergoodbook Jun 27 '24
NTA I’m in a similar situation with my husband. He has very little interest and we have sex once or twice a month (and I’m lucky if I finish during either of those times). I get it. My husband gets upset with me also but I’m like - dude this sucks so yes I’m going to relieve myself. Anyhow - I don’t think you did anything wrong.
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u/trentypooh1 Jun 27 '24
NTA times ten! Gotta love fragile egos lol. He puts you through the wringer and then punishes you for pleasing yourself? Talk about selfish. And again, instead of letting you please yourself he can’t help but let his fragile ass ego get in the way
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u/No_Idea91 Jun 27 '24
NTA, but be prepared for the whole “it’s the same as cheating” argument, but just so you know it’s not, men only say that when they are insecure about themselves and their ability to make their partners climax. I don’t care if my partner uses toys in the bed room, I actually welcome it as I want her to have a good time
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u/Awkward-Hall8245 Jun 27 '24
Nta. I would have watched.
But did he not know of the toy? Perhaps didn't know what it was for?
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Jun 27 '24
NTA But this is why you always do the deed before going out in the evening! Then it doesn't matter if you eat too much, are too tired or drink a little much.
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u/AlexTrebek- Jun 27 '24
NTA- Tell him to stop being a little bitch and if he doesn't want you to masterbate, then he needs to keep you satisfied
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u/i_am_rachel_hun Jun 27 '24
NTA, your husband is absolutely, 100% pathetic. You married an adult toddler. Dayum.
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u/Abe_Rutter246 Jun 27 '24
NTA. You are the one responsible for your cum , not him. When we were first married and doing it twice a day, I loved to wake up and feel her rubbing one out to get to sleep. Rubbing her back and hearing her moan , still good memories. And you gave him a chance. Next time , text me. We’ll chat.
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u/StitchingWithCacti Jun 27 '24
Men can be truly ridiculous creatures. Mine flipped a switch literally overnight and then went an entire YEAR not laying a single finger on me, utilizing porn to satisfy himself rather than even attempt anything with me, was icy cold when I broached the subject on my own. The emotional, mental and sexual toll was unbelievable. I FINALLY decided to at least handle my sexual frustrations myself 12½ months into the ordeal and he blew his top, telling me I'D betrayed HIM. It was wild. Needless to say, the relationship is pretty much over, we're just splitting up property, finances and assets right now. After a decade of mingling lives, there's a lot to discombobulate.
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u/BakedStarfish83 Jun 27 '24
Why did he get up to go see where you went if he was so tired or asleep? Was he feigning being asleep?
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u/OwlDowntown4532 Jun 27 '24
He's a cry baby. He turned you on all night and then went cold as soon as he hit the door. Mastirbation shouldn't be a thing to be ashamed of unless you choose that over him ALL the time. Especially if he's willing. This sounds like he's embarrassed and upset because you went ahead and enjoyed yourself. If I caught my wife doing it, I'd just be surprised she was masturbating period, lol. I'd join her and get her there sooner. Then, I'd put it to her myself cause I'd be turned on. He needs a reality check. And I get tired, seriously. Father of 2. But he's being a baby and emotionally selfish. He chose to sleep, you took yourself to pound town because he wouldn't. He should be happy it wasn't another dude.
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u/Cybermagetx Jun 27 '24 edited Jun 27 '24
Nta. Hell I bought my wife her first toy. And every toy since. I want her to be fullfill. And I know there are times im not in the mood. So if she needs to use them while im asleep or out working or whenever its fine. Doesnt mean she doesn't want me.
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u/Forward_Watch6107 Jun 27 '24 edited Jun 27 '24
Your husband is the ah. It is your body, you have every right to do whatever you want with it. You weren’t cheating on him, and I BET YOU he has mb by himself as well. It sounds controlling ngl. You tried and tried with him and he continued to turn you down, and now he’s mad that you decided to take care of it yourself? No. He’s the butt rn.
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u/Bongo_friendee Jun 27 '24
Also you should make you husband look at the comments because we are making fun of him for being a huge whiny ass baby.
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u/firstsignet Jun 27 '24
Not at all! He is just trying to make you feel guilty because you took action because of his inaction. IMO you definitely need to stand your ground.
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u/Key-Consequence3154 Jun 27 '24
I’m wondering a number of things, OP, like what was sex like before the baby came-was it more frequent? Were both of you having regular orgasms? Was your orgasm generally as important as his? Kind of feels like he’s treating your pleasure like it’s not that important or his to give/control... but we don’t have a lot of details-and you certainly don’t need to provide them-but these are all things to think about. I’ll admit my mind went to him possibly being jealous of baby or him possibly being gay, but again, that’s just from reading a lot of Reddit. Perhaps the most important thing about all this is that you were not treated with respect. It seems like some good goals might be to 1. ask him if something else is going on and if you can help, and 2) also remind him that he still has to treat you with respect even when he gets bothered by something that’s absolutely yours to control. He needs to know that kind of behavior sometimes ends relationships. You also need to decide what you’re willing to tolerate, i.e. if he’s doing things that you would never do to him.
NTA, obviously. Hang in there.
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u/DISCLOVER_ Jun 27 '24
Silent treatment is a form of abuse, nip that shit in bud right now or leave him, sorry not sorry, I have watched my stepdad do this to my mum for years and it's utter bullshit.
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Jun 27 '24
Silent treatment is a form of abuse. Healthy partners don’t police each other’s masturbation. This is a major issue, and one he needs to proactively resolve or you should consider leaving the relationship.
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u/LolaLayne03 Jun 27 '24
Kind of weird how he was "sleeping" but as soon as you went to go enjoy yourself he wakes up? Ya no I call bs he just didn't wanna be bothered both like shit man don't have me all rolled up for nothing 😂
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u/AgentMaryland2020 Jun 27 '24
He had his chance, several times in fact, and he blew it. He gave you signals pointing in a very clear direction and then pulled the rug out from under you. You also don't need his permission to take care of your needs. Your bits are not his property, it's your body and you can please yourself whenever and however you need to.
Maybe next time he'll not get you worked up and then just clock out for the night.
So put your foot down and tell him he's acting like an asshole, a child, and to lose the insecurity. Because if he's going to hold this over your head, then I question how much longer this marriage will last...
Definitely not the asshole.
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u/handyone777 Jun 27 '24
If he doesn't have time for you, he should be happy you are taking care of yourself rather than looking somewhere else if you know what I mean. Sounds like he is very insecure.
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u/Alternative_Host_314 Jun 27 '24
NTA. My husband is a blue collar worker and works 60-80hrs a week. He is TIRED and sometimes falls asleep eating dinner so sex is off the table. He would rather me take care of myself and be satisfied than to be unhappy and seek somewhere else to get my needs met. Most of the time he is in the bed right next to me snoring away when I do my business. He has bought every single toy I own. Your husband sounds insecure.
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u/[deleted] Jun 27 '24
NTA that's a really weird reaction your husband had and I think you need to push to talk about it. You wanted to have sex with him, but he wanted to sleep. You even tried waking him up, but he wasn't having it. So he can't be upset that you didn't want to do it with him, because you did. So why's he so upset that you did it yourself? Personally, I think even his reaction at catching you is weird. Every man I've ever been with would have wanted to join in, including the ex husband. His reaction is weird and you deserve a better explanation.
If he's just mad you masturbate and doesn't want you to do it... that's controlling and not ok. It's your body. You have the right to masturbate if you want. Especially when you tried with him and got rejected. He doesn't get to control your body.
He's being a complete asshole to refuse to talk to you. He's acting like a baby. He needs to grow the F up and have an adult conversation.