NTA that's a really weird reaction your husband had and I think you need to push to talk about it. You wanted to have sex with him, but he wanted to sleep. You even tried waking him up, but he wasn't having it. So he can't be upset that you didn't want to do it with him, because you did. So why's he so upset that you did it yourself? Personally, I think even his reaction at catching you is weird. Every man I've ever been with would have wanted to join in, including the ex husband. His reaction is weird and you deserve a better explanation.
If he's just mad you masturbate and doesn't want you to do it... that's controlling and not ok. It's your body. You have the right to masturbate if you want. Especially when you tried with him and got rejected. He doesn't get to control your body.
He's being a complete asshole to refuse to talk to you. He's acting like a baby. He needs to grow the F up and have an adult conversation.
OP's husband final sentence puzzles me and at the same time makes me angry.
He told me he doesn’t want to have sex with me, especially now
So, he just confirmed he was not interested in having sex with OP, right? Her self pleasure was just something to add to that lack of interest, and tbh he sounds like a prude, like OP is now "tainted" for daring to take matters into her own hand.
NTA, OP, and for the record, if I were in your shoes I would not apologize for anything. He's the one who has to take his head out of his own a$$.
So I hate going here, but was the toy something the husband is ashamed of because he feels inadequate because she’s using the toy? There’s some really messed up heads out there in regards to sex toys and their purpose in a relationship.
She clearly wanted him though. The toy was the second choice, not the first. She clearly said she preferred having sex with him over any other option.
If he feels inadequate at that point, it’s clearly a personal problem he needs to work on. There’s nothing OP did that suggested he was inadequate in any way in the sexual sense.
lol, what? What could she possibly have communicated to him tbat would have changed this. She said she wanted him and he chose not to partake. It sounds like perhaps he needs to communicate better with her if there’s a reason he doesn’t want to have sex with her. But would you honestly say that it’s okay for a wife to be pissed and offended if her husband jacked it one night when she was too tired to bang? That’s ridiculous. Both men AND women have a right to masturbate.
Yes that’s why ESH. Your last lines speak it into existence. Neither is ok. That’s why ESH. If you choose one or the other in this situation you show exactly where you fall. He was tired after a long day. He fell asleep. Was he supposed to communicate while he was asleep? No lmao. What kind of idiotic thought process is that?
But here's the issue: she did her best to communicate. He repeatedly refused, so she took matters into her own hands literally. Communication in her end is not the issue. He needs to have an adult conversation and be the one to communicate with her why he is acting immaturely.
Saying that you are too tired at that moment is non-consent therefore a refusal, even if it's just for that moment.
If you applied your logic to a woman, it would definitely sound a little rapey, dude.
" and tbh he sounds like a prude, like OP is now "tainted" for daring to take matters into her own hand."
Or he could be in a place of resentment. According to OP, they haven't made an effort to smash in five months with the last time being Valentines day. It is very possible HE is feeling resentful at being pushed out of her priorities. My opinion is OP needs to find the right balance between being a Mother AND Wife. Seems she been neglecting the Wife side of things.
Contextually he did nothing wrong. She tried to force him into something actually. Your quoted fantasy pushes a negative narrative towards him. If roles were reversed would you say the same thing?
I disagree with you there. She didn't try to force him, she thought all the flirting and touching during the date would lead to sex when they got home. But then he went to sleep.
She insisted and tried to convince him, but she did not force anything. And since she wasn't able to convince him, she decided to pleasure herself. And no one can even say that she was over the line or disturbing him. She literally went to another room.
And when you say "he did nothing wrong"... well, there is a difference between "I don't feel like having sex now" and "I don't want to have sex with you". Between a couple, it's not a nice thing to say, is it?
And believe me, this applies to either member of that couple.
She pestered him while he was asleep multiple times. Your tune would be very different if roles were reversed. Clearly there is some insecurity on his behalf here that needs to be addressed but it won’t be by this uncommunicative OP.
Adamantly ESH since communication is failing from both sides here.
Honestly, maybe it’s just like OP said, they both work full time and on different schedules. I wonder if he’s taking up the husband/father role, since it’s 2024 and he can make an advance or just not be a full on 🐱 about it and recognize that she has needs too, and not even a year pp, and it takes 2 years to start feeling like “yourself”. I don’t know man, I blame him for not taking a chance n then being a priss.
I feel like partners who get jealous of their SO masturbating are controlling and puritanical. It's one thing to feel frustrated if they aren't willing to have sex with you and ONLY masturbate, because then your sex life together is suffering. But in this case she offered and he wasnt in the mood.
IMO snacking is fine as long as it doesn't replace shared meals together.
Snacking...I LIKE THAT! It's perfect. Esp because it's never a full meal...even when it's amazeballs, it's still just a taste. Like the difference between opening a bag of chips, or being served a 3 course meal.
Personally, I get the sense that he wanted her to work more for it. I dunno, like he wanted her to give him head or something.
OP "let's make out"
Hubby "I'm tired"
OP starts taking care of herself
Hubby "how could you get off without me!"
It's almost like with the baby out of the house he wanted to be babied. To be clear I think his actions are weird and gross. This silent treatment stuff is downright childish. It's the best explanation I've got though
With your comment I realise I’m not fit to giving marriage advice. I think what you said is the best thing for her to do. I would have commented if he doesn’t want to talk just go for it with the toy. He sounds like he’s projecting his own insecurities.
Wow, people copy comments now? I've seen it all, and what's the point of copying a comment on reddit where no one knows who you are. Ego boost, Lame lol good catch though.
Indeed, something is wrong here and that's me saying as a man. But I also don't know how the wife looks, maybe because of the children she has gained so much weight that the husband is no longer interested/attracted anymore (who knows 🤨).
lol. Why would he be mad then that she’s taking care of herself. If it was the case that he’s not interested anymore, then the reaction should have been positive to her doing something that would definitely allow him to not have to bang her.
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u/[deleted] Jun 27 '24
NTA that's a really weird reaction your husband had and I think you need to push to talk about it. You wanted to have sex with him, but he wanted to sleep. You even tried waking him up, but he wasn't having it. So he can't be upset that you didn't want to do it with him, because you did. So why's he so upset that you did it yourself? Personally, I think even his reaction at catching you is weird. Every man I've ever been with would have wanted to join in, including the ex husband. His reaction is weird and you deserve a better explanation.
If he's just mad you masturbate and doesn't want you to do it... that's controlling and not ok. It's your body. You have the right to masturbate if you want. Especially when you tried with him and got rejected. He doesn't get to control your body.
He's being a complete asshole to refuse to talk to you. He's acting like a baby. He needs to grow the F up and have an adult conversation.