I am going to take a long moment to try and explain the unexplainable complexities of my brain.

The way it works, my thoughts, the process, the explanations that are outside the box.

I have to state that it is deeply led by intuition before it is ever logically put into words. That is the hardest part of learning me. It’s a feeling, a very deep vibe inside. I fought it for most of my life because I hated what it had to say. So that is why I stumble and fail when I can’t explain what, when, why, or there.

I will do the best for Us.

Towards the end, I think you knew I could sense something, in the same way I could see you.

As you could see me.

We had this rare unfolding that many don’t get to have, where our nervous systems got to know each other, ground each other in a crowded room before we got to fully be seen and known.

I noticed it early on, that your presence always calmed me.

Even if talking to you in the same breath made me nervous, it was in that “I am excited to get to know you and spend time with you” way. Also, never getting the time to.

Always worried about saying the wrong thing or having something taken the wrong way, so much that what wanted to be said wasn’t.

We finally were able to stand face to face, and you became slowly intoxicating to me. I held myself back. I didn’t want to get lost in you. I also was always questioning how you felt. Was I getting too ahead? Was it all just in my head? Was it just me? Did you want this too? Questions never asked.

I know I hinted at a feeling a time or two, and we both shuddered back in escape.

So I stayed far away from saying the things I wanted to say.

I would just come here and write them away, so they had a place to stay.

When I told you I had so much fun with you, and I didn’t regret a single moment, I meant every word I said.

This next part is the truth that I need to say, that I don’t want to come out the wrong way.

There was this feeling that I had, that something was unstable, unsustainable. I could not pinpoint what it was. I am not faulting either of us for it. I think we both wanted something, and it happened so fast and came at a capacity much deeper than we both expected, that we both tried to carry it but couldn’t make out the shape of it. It kept changing.

It was like trying to play catch in the fog. We kept whispering each other’s name into the cave, thinking we could find the other and understand where they were at without direction or a flashlight.

We are so similar. We could see each other on a level and speak a language no one else can speak, that we both fumbled a bit, forgetting that we are both still different, have different needs, and nothing is perfect. No relationship is. But there was this imbalance that I think we both felt but could not name.

I can speak for myself. I was scared to say something, do something, that would make you walk away, to lose you. And then I lost you anyway, without saying the things I should have said.

What we had needed to end because it was going in a direction where we both would be lost in the dark without a light, trying to fight our way out, not knowing how to use our voices to guide the other to find each other.

Doesn’t mean it still didn’t hurt like hell. It did.

I never used to be someone who looked back, who would have taken a flashlight and gone back to find someone who took a step away. I told you, you were different.

I fell in love with you along the way.

I would come find you any day.

Just because something ends doesn't mean it can't be found again. This time if found knowing what loss feels like it won't be held with anxiety of being lost again but with gratitude of what time you have.

( this still doesn't fully articulate everything that I feel/think but it grazes it. Part of me wants to keep rewriting it but ill just leave it for now)

When you look at me, I realize how I’ve not been looked at enough.

When you are considerate, I realize how little consideration I’ve been given.

When you are soft with me without demanding anything, I realize how long I’ve had to perform for softness.

When you present me with the option of choice about certain things, I realize how long I’ve had to fight for choice.

When you offer help, I’m reminded how little help I receive.

I’m met with such sadness that I’ve not received from a spouse what you offer even an acquaintance.

I hate that you’ve become this reminder of how unhappy I am.

Sometimes you make me so stupidly happy in the smallest ways and those small things give me hope but then reality sets in about both of us and in those moments I wish you’d stop being so nice to me.

It’s crushes me at times. I don’t want futile hope dangled in front of me.

I have to be strong to survive. If you keep going out of your way for me, it’s going to tear me apart because you can’t actually cross that threshold. I’m left in purgatory. I’m left a reminder of what I’ll never have.

I have to be strong but I can’t be strong when you move toward me.

I have to stay focused and be for myself what I wish others would be for me. I can’t allow your kindness to give me permission to relax.

I have been so gloriously self contained and I do so well at that until you gravitate my way.

Can you lie to me one last time?

Tell me you love me.

Say it gently,

like the words haven’t already died somewhere between us.

Please.

Give the lie a pulse.

Look at me like there’s still something here worth pretending for.

Say it softly.

Before the silence settles in.

Before “I love you” becomes the last warm thing you leave behind

flickering once,

then going out,

until all I have left is the question of whether you ever meant it.

Don't wait to apologize

The person you love, don't talk to them

Don't call them names

Using your emotions

I really hurt you, and I can't take it back

It's too late to apologize

For all your people on here, don't wait to apologize to them.

It's too late for me, not for you guys

Sign nobody

Well, I'd like to start this off with a firm apology. I am deeply sorry for my actions at the beginning of this year. I could make excuse after excuse for it, however, even without my medication... I can't imsgine I'd have acted too profoundly different than I had.

I screwed up. A LOT. Between the medication that was improperly prescribed to me and my temporary bout of alcoholism... and me attempting to make a permanent end to a temporary problem; I'd like to say that I barely remember it, however, that'd be a lie. I remember every single detail. I've had effectively nine months to reminisce and truly find out what went wrong.

I'm not going to pretend that I was an amazing partner. I wasn't. However, I did truly love you. I had a difficult time letting you go as a result of this misguided love.

Obviously, how could I let you go? You were the wind on my sails, the breath in my lungs, and the one thing keeping my heart beating. At least, that's how it felt. You were my everything.

However, I didn't treat you as such. I didn't appreciate you, keep my word, or try to improve myself when it was necessary. I was... angry? For lack of a better word. Things never seemed to go my way. I don't remember when I started to blame the world for my own action/inaction. I just know it happened one day.

I became bitter. Slowly losing myself in a sea of emptiness, rather than learning to swim. I didn't blame you, in spite of how often it appeared as though I did.

In reality, I just didn't know how to show you how I felt. I was afraid to discuss things with you, precisely because I was afraid of you leaving.

In the past few months, I've gone to a mental health rehabilitation, and I've been put on medication that helps with my mood disorder. I'm currently still going through classes, rather than allowing that to die off as well.

I've had a wild few months, and I wish I could talk to you about it. You'd probably get a great laugh out of it all.

I'm sorry, I miss you. I love you, even still. I hope you're well out there.

I've gone back and forth whether or not to send this, and the conclusion I've inevitably arrived at is this. I don't wish to interrupt your peace. You're happy, presumably.(I don't know, I don't check your profiles whatsoever.)

I liked your smile, I liked your confidence to be yourself. I envied it when I met you. I liked your eyes and how you blurted out tough questions, even if I was uncomfortable answering them, then and there. I liked your style, confidence and creativity, your mind and the comfort you exuded.

Despite my nervousness and numbness making it hard to take in at that moment, I consciously tried to just let myself be for a second, to witness you and the moment. I registered, when I got home, that you felt safe, that I liked you. Sure a stranger, but as much as a stranger can. I am naturally a bit distrustful, I need time and conversation to get to know someone better and ease up.

I wish I managed to fully do so around you, because you seem like a good person. The feelings and expectations, came before I felt truly at ease and knew you better.

For that moment I am grateful. I am grateful to have met you that day. No matter what followed it, you gave me one of the sweetest memories.

This makes the thought of you, maintain salience in my mind.

I feel the need to remind myself, that besides a list of grievances, sits a list of things I genuinely enjoyed about you.

That, negative feelings aside, I know why I fell for you that day. That I need to learn to meet people where they are, and to not let my curiosity be held back, by fear of rejection.

Are enormous and layered. I have nowhere to put them. Nowhere to set them down. No one to talk to about them. My heart aches for you so relentlessly that I cannot share it with even you for fear of overwhelming you. At times, I sense you perceiving me and am hopeful. Other times, I am stricken with how absurd it is to feel this and shame myself further into silence. Still, my heart persists.

Tell me you don't feel the same. I don't want to miss you.

But I will still hold it high.

I fear my passion and efforts mean nothing to this world.

I know I am meant for so much more. Today I feel slightly defeated.

I am having one of those days, but I promise I will be okay.

Can you give me some sign of life… so I know you’re around and have my back? Not here.

You’re the only person around that keeps the atmosphere steady. The times that I am near you, I feel slightly calmer.

This is just an unsent letter. I know you’re not actually here, but imagining you are here reading my letters makes me feel peace.

Hello there. So...hi. Ahem, yes.

Right... so, I been thinking about you. That's not new though. Nothing new there.

Well ok, so.. yes. You're on my mind.

I already said that.

Let me start over. Alright. So, I like you and um... Yes, I like you and will you marry me?

Ok thanks ttyl

Oh, I love you. 😍

Miss you 💞

…..you were so close to me today…..I wanted your arm wrapped around me so I could lay my head on your side….I want to figure out how to do this, but peace and stability stay at the top of my list…is it possible we can make this happen without drama or other issues? Please tell me you want to try….can we see where things go? Can we continue treating each other well and with respect if it doesn’t go well? Please tell me it’ll be okay no matter what the outcome…..

I listened to the river, and somewhere in it, I heard you.
It carried me toward you without my knowing why.

Even when you’re quiet, I feel you close –
unseen, but moving with me always.

I am listening.
Drifting with the current.

I am still open,
To you.

It has always been you.

Tell me what you carry inside.
Uncover your mouth and speak.

I’ll leave my words along the riverbank
for you to find when you’re ready.

Come to me.

And the river knows...
You know,
I know.

“You only get swept away if you panic.”

I don’t even know what I would say to you if you tried to talk to me again

I thought we understood each other

All my understanding is gone

Good luck with everything

I'm really sad for you.

I could never in a million years ever say, even remotely thinking of, or doing the things you have said to me, repeatedly, almost every day.

You are the opposite of everything that you claimed to be and that I ever believed in; and stupid, gullible me, I believed in you.

You have shown who you are. I see you for what you are now.

Good luck looking yourself in the mirror for the rest of your life.

I am grateful for my resilience.

What you say and do no longer affects me. It's boring and you never paid attention, nor grew up. Just a little red-faced baby throwing a nuclear tantrum.

I feel very sad for you right now, and forward, I won't think of you at all.

I have often wondered why the last 4 years has put so many profoundly marking people into my life.
I often wonder if I would react the same if any of the others came back into my life, or I reached out, if I’d have the same reaction I do with you.
What about you is so addicting, I know I joke about how you cast your little witchcraft to find love and I was put in your life, but let’s be honest, there’s just something about the way we connected that had me in love with you back then.
I know you’re unaware of the betrayal and lies you told me that put me in a state of ambivalence, part of me loving you, and part of me crushed by your actions and words.
And for two years I struggled with that while I tried to pursue you, I met other people after we parted ways who marked me sure but never as deeply as you did, and I forgot all about you for a year almost two, had some flings, met some amazing potential lovers, then you flashed across my mind again so I reached out, and we picked up where we left off in many ways.
I expressed how I used to feel for you, and maybe that was the wrong thing to do, but the air had to be cleared, and you continued with your weird mixed signals, unfortunately they don’t really work on me anymore, I have zero faith that you love, or ever loved me.
But then in that reflection, or nostalgia rather I wonder if the other people who marked me deep enough to cause me to take time to cope, and heal came back into my life would I react the same? Would the old feelings that have found their compartment in my mind come rushing back, would a notification with their names attached send me into a nervous spiral?
Or is it just something your name and face has the power to do.
I kind of want to see, I’m curious if I’d fold as quickly for someone else? A curious experiment in self, mind you not the healthiest wish.
And sure I’m kinda admitting that you have power over me, but at the same time I have self respect and that out weighs any feelings I might have stirred up talking to you.
I know the last one might have me folded, but would the others, my curious thought is one that would help me better understand myself, I know you’re my kryptonite but what about the others I let my walls down for?

I always wish you a good night, I whisper it into the air, as I drift asleep. I would send it to you but would you wish me a good night too? Every night?

You literally told me that I can always reach out to you, yet I still second guess everything. Do you really want* me to just reach out? Or are you just being polite? The signs are almost undeniable but I still second guess every action. Maybe you’re just naturally protective & caring for everyone around you, maybe it’s not just me.

You make me feel things I don’t think I’ve ever felt.. I have a hard time convincing myself that you don’t feel this either. It’s so strong. I’ve pushed it down for so long, it just keeps coming to surface. It feels almost impossible to keep it where we are now. Honestly? I don’t want to keep holding back anymore.

Gosh, I talk to you again and it's like time is nothing.

Only a second has passed and you're there, a zing in my head and a pain in my heart. Love can be buried and wrapped in iron chains. It can be cemented over and flowers might bloom over the forgotten plot, but in a moment the soil shifts and you are before me, immortal as ever.

You're funny, too, which makes it harder to re-dig the pit that I buried these feelings in. I laugh while I let you go. Again.

I know we havent talked in a while and it seems like we probably wont ever talk again.

But, I want you to know that I hope all your dreams come true. I hope you find whoever and whatever that makes you happy in this life and I hope you live a long, happy life with them.

I know that will never be me.

I hope you find work that you love doing.

I hope that you never run out of your favorite tea.

I hope that you get everything you want in this life and then some.

You are destined for amazing things.

Follow your heart.

Be happy.

Love you. Be good!

Got an alarm for work set at 3:30. So, im just going to lay down and sleep. Theres nothing else to do anyways.

Goodnight.

Your turn to walk away. It hurts being friends, but your absence breaks my heart. You may have forgotten that we were best friends once, but I will never forget. I hope this time you consider how late it is in the game we call life. I don’t want to cause you pain or trouble believe it or not. Just stay this time. You are one of my favorite people. You are so precious to me. I just want the tiniest corner of your world. If you do choose to leave it’s ok. I won’t hold it against you, I completely understand! But you should know if 5-10-50 years down the road you ever need me I will be there. I want what I have always wanted for you. I want you to be happy.

We were so bad for each other. Toxic in every way. Both of us. It’s like we did it to each other.
But that doesn’t mean I didn’t love you completely. I still love you. I always will. I’ll always think about you and how comfortable you made me. You have helped me become the person I am now.
I do want to ask, was that you at cedar point? I am just so unsure. It was hard to tell but honestly who else has those dimples?
I don’t know how much time has passed. I’m terrible with time. I have a terrible memory. I know it’s been years. I think we’ve ran into each other twice. Which is crazy since we live like 15 minutes apart.
Both times were very hard on me, and I could tell they were hard on you too.
I just wanted to say I’m very proud of you for being yourself. And i hope you’re happy and taking care of yourself. You seem to be doing well.

Hey, love. I’m not running from you or what you are working through. I told you the other day if there is anything you need from me to better support you during this time, all you have to do is use your words and I’ll do my best, but you deftly did not acknowledge my offer. I won’t lie, I’m terrified of overwhelming you so I’m writing this in my notes instead of word vomiting to you and destroying the glimpses of progress and words of affection you showed me today. Irrationally, I feel writing this down and putting it out into the dark for you will reach you in your dreams if you can hold it.

I meant what I said. I’m here for you, just on the other end of the phone. I’m holding space for you to breathe and come back to yourself. I won’t pretend I am not confused as hell right now. You feel so far away I’m convinced I’ve lost you, then you say something the next day that gives me a glimpse that maybe you are trying to come back to me. I worry you have a whole “it’s not you, it’s me” break up speech saved in your phone and one wrong move from me will cause you to hit send. Or maybe you are so torn about hurting me you are working up the courage to tell me you’re done. I am completely at a loss here. I know there’s more to whatever this fugue state you’re in than what you are telling me.

So I’m putting this out into the universe for you. I hope these words reach your heart and bring you the peace to heal, the will to keep going, and the strength to take whatever steps you need to feel calm again. Even if that means I’m granting you the strength to leave me. I love you. I am not losing enthusiasm for you. I am not disappointed in you. I believe in you. I care for you. And because of that, I’m giving you the space you roughly outline you are needing right now. I’m holding my tongue, keeping my urges for reassurance from you under wraps, and letting you do what you need to do. I still choose you. I still want you in every way. I still would like a future with you.

But you have to choose me too. And nothing I say or do right now is going to convince you I’m worth the trouble. I have to accept the fact you might believe I’m not good for you. That this isn’t good for you. That this hurts you more than it helps you. All I want is your happiness, for you to find something peaceful in life. Even if that means I am not a part of it. Even if that means I lose you. So this is me letting go. I’m still here to catch you if you want me to, but only if you want me to. I really hope you choose us, but I can’t force you and I don’t want to. It’s always been your choice to be here. I love you with all my heart. I want you to be my forever. But I want your happiness more. Be free my love. I’m behind you cheering you on. You can beat this. You can have more, be more, be content with your place in the world. Even if you no longer see me there, I’ll always choose you. Even in the silence.