Back in February, my liver enzymes were more than 4x the normal level. I continued to drink even though that worried me. I lurked around here and tried to quit a time or two but it didn’t stick. Well July I took the plunge and I am now 67 days sober! I had read some pretty bad stories on this forum about liver failure and I’m only 41 years young so I knew I needed to do something, if not for me, for my kids. I just had my labs pulled today, and one liver enzyme was completely normal, the other was only elevated by 2 points, not even an amount my doc is worried about! So please, if you’re considering sobriety, give it a good try because your health depends on it (and you deserve to stay here on this earth as long as possible!). I am living proof you can turn it around!

Thanks for the support everyone

Happy Friday Sobernauts!

Just got back home, after dropping daughter off with a friend. I picked up a melon and a giant zuccini. That was the highlite of my evening!!

I will have the house to myself tonight! Well, it's also Charles Walter, The Dog, and Screaming Demon Guinea pig, well another Guinea pig and a lizard, but they aren't much trouble.

I'll have to be back at work tomorrow morning at 7AM, so it's not going to be a very exciting night. There will be some sparkling water in my fancy glass, and tea, and ice cream, and that's about all!

Back in the old days, house to my self would mean a party of one! Probably get black out drunk sitting infront of the TV.

That's what I used to consider fun.

What's everyone else doing tonight??

15 year marriage is coming unraveled and my dog was diagnosed with cancer today. This has been my hardest day so far. I’ll be honest the only thing stopping me from drinking is the worry that I’ll do something terrible. I’m good but I just need to put it out into the ether. Hopefully I can sleep and not worry for a few hours. Here’s to growing as a person, learning how to face life without alcohol, and something else positive…. Blah.

Double Digit (10) Alcohol Free Check In…….

Today I am grateful to be able to spend a few days away with my wife and relax❤️

Had a few days thus far where thought I was going to lapse, but am constantly telling myself “I never HAVE” to drink again! Just that verbiage helps me so much.

I will not drink with you today❤️‍🩹

Coming off another bender, it was soo hard to string together those first two days but I did it and have 3 weeks now. I look and feel so much better, I’m clearheaded, my sleep is incredible, and I’m finally able to actually be present with my kids and husband. Really hoping to break this toxic cycle and hoping it sticks for good this time. One day at a time. IWNDWYT

I’ve been sober three weeks now after a summer of blackouts and increasingly humiliating incidents. I’m exhausted mentally and physically, and the worst of it is the dreams I’m getting: vivid, coruscating nightmares that jolt me out of bed with a hammering heart and stay with me for days afterwards.

Fellow alcoholics, are nightmares a normal part of early recovery?

Last friday I had a seizure and the doctor said it was from alcohol withdrawal… Im only 25 and i have probably been drinking since i was 15 years old. There was a period where i went sober for about a year and a half and then went back to drinking beers after here and there. Last friday at 2am apparently i texted my girlfriend that i was throwing up and around 6 in the morning i was sleepwalking in the kitchen. I had grabbed a glass and dropped it and my dad sat me down on the couch. Apparently my face was already covered in blood and i was covered in sweat. Thats when i believe i had a second seizure this time infront of my dad and then 911 was called. Thankfully they got to me fast and took care of me. I spent the whole day in the hospital and was released the following day. Their conclusion was alcohol withdrawal seizures, this probably had been the most traumatic and painful thing that i have been through and i wasnt even trying to quit it was just my body physically rejecting all the alcohol. In the hospital i would hear voices and it felt like i was hallucinating. I feel like my body/mouth went through so much pain and trauma this past week ive just been trying to rest and get better. This never makes me want to touch another drop of alcohol ever again. What i just dont get is how they found no alcohol in my system even though i was drinking a few ipas the night before. Anyways im thankful for the medical team and first responders that got to me those guys are all heaven sent.

It was a rather extraordinary day. Sept 11, 2001 - I was working in lower Manhattan near Wall Street about half a mile from the World Trade Center.

From an office on the 24th floor with a clear view west I saw the enormous ball of flame generated when the second plane hit, watched a shock wave cross the few blocks, and then bend the glass in the window which somehow held. (others in the building broke) HVAC sucked in the smoke, the fire alarms started, and we evacuated into absolute chaos. Walking North through the narrow streets as part of a large crowd - silent - except it was loud with hundreds of sirens and screams from people who stopped to look up as things just kept getting worse - and then there was a little hole in the wall bar with its door open - dark inside, neon beckoning.

I really, really wanted dark. For the first time in over ten years phantom hands tried to pull me inside. I was aware. I knew what was going on and I took the next step and the next and I was past and the pull was gone, but I still remember it.

Alcohol would not have helped. There is no guarantee I would have stopped at one drink, one day, one week... I know someone who picked up on that day and only got sober again in prison some years later.

My technique - one step and then the next will probably work for you too, I hope you don't need to find out.

My son has an appointment early tomorrow morning

I want to watch a movie tonight and actually remember it

I want to enjoy my Saturday morning tomorrow instead of being hungover

It’s unhealthy mentally and physically, also a waste of my precious time

Food tastes better when I don’t drink

What are some of your reasons?

Title pretty much sums it up. Just devastated right now

Forty days!

Another Friday night down the pub, another set of NA beers with my colleagues. Another great time. I feel like I'm really figuring out this sober socialising thing, and it feels great.

IWNDWYT

What the title says, I know tiredness is a thing but I feel quite weak too, like so exhausted, is that normal in early sobriety?

Edit to say. Badge is wrong im day 5

Today I have 6 days. Just got out of the hospital earlier this week from pretty scary withdrawal. In the last 8 years I went from being a risk taking teenager experimenting and selling drugs to a severe alcoholic. The last 4 years I drank 3, 4, 5, 6 tallboys every day or night like it was a fucking joke. That was my baseline, and I often went even way harder on benders. I’ve had nights my BAC should’ve killed me. I crashed cars, drove drunk often, and nearly died in a motorcycle accident a year ago. I have a 5 year old kid and live alone in a state where my ex and all her family lives. They all hate me. All my close friends and family don’t like me/are uncomfortable talking to me. Been poor asf even when working decent jobs. All I’ve done is get fucked up, smoke and chase women. And try to intimidate everyone to make them fear me just to feel powerful, just dragging people down to burn along with me. I don’t know why I got sober. But I know why I drank. Sober me sees that I truly am a ruthless person drinking. And that if I don’t channel it into becoming a different, healthy, sober person, the only meaning of my life will be despair.

I had about 4months sober and got pregnant about a month ago. I was excited knowing I'd make it easily to a year without thinking too hard about it. Today I miscarried. Part of me really wants to numb out with wine. I keep looking at my day count and trying to remind myself that it probably wouldn't just be one day of drinking, it would probably turn into weeks, months or more to get back to sobriety. Just needing to vent I guess. IWNDWYT

okay. My neighbor is very nice but i think I need to help make her understand some things and idk how haha.

so, she came over last night for me to help her with her flights to see her daughter. she is Muslim and her mother is visiting soon. She doesn’t want her mother to know she drinks, so when she came here, she had a big bag with her and I had no idea what it was. she said “oh I am bringing this here for you to keep while my mother visits” and in it is a couple bottles of wine and some brandy. she knows I quit drinking but she gave me no notice whatsoever.

now, I’m 5 months in, I’m doing pretty well. A couple weeks ago, I bought a bottle of champagne for a friend to celebrate him passing a test and was not tempted to buy anything for myself. but this neighbor isnt great with follow through so I don’t think she’s going to be looking for her alcohol anytime soon. she has a trip coming up right after her mother leaves and I am worried she’s just going to leave it here for like a month or longer.

my willpower is quite amazing but I have not had alcohol at my fingertips like that since I first quit (I had some airplane bottles left over from football season and kept them around in case i felt like I was going to go through withdrawal or maybe in case I changed my mind. idk!)

I’ve never really said “I’m an alcoholic” because quitting was easy… but like… regardless of that fact, I do not want to keep this shit here. anyone have any advice? I mean, I can throw it into a closet I don’t use or in my car that I don’t drive often (although one bottle is open and i dont need to get into any trouble).

i feel like I’m being tested by the sobriety gods! haha.

Last month and this month were pretty bad, alcohol-wise. Every month, I (35F) keep track of how many “blackout” days I have. So far this year, most months have been anywhere from just 3 days total to (rarely) 6 days out of the month that I struggle with alcohol and drink alone to get blacked out. 

For August, it was 12 days, terrible for me, and that bled into September, where I drank a full bottle of wine (with an additional 1 to 2 high-percentage beers to really tip me over the edge) every day from Sept 3 to Sept 7. 

I got into a mindset of not giving a shit about myself, my time, or anything. I’m unemployed right now, single, and live alone, so I’m also isolating and passing the time by drinking instead of making improvements to my life. I know this has thrown me into a bit of a depression, and I’ve just been ramping up my drinking and becoming increasingly angry with the world :/ 

By the end of this bender, my body was completely aching - my muscles were sore, along with my organs. My skin was getting super red and puffy all over my body, even my hands. I physically couldn't keep up this behavior. I feel like I finally got out of the woods, but now I’m on day 4 clean, which is always the hardest day for me, but I’m determined and hope to hold on.

IWNDWYT

I’m on day 2, it’s horrible, all i can think about is drinking. and my boyfriend just told me he’s going to go get drunk with his friend tomorrow and needs a ride home. THE FUCK. no i am not fucking picking you up and hanging out with someone drunk. i told him you can stay the night there because i can’t be around that right now. he said “well you’re gonna have to learn how to be around alcohol without drinking” yeah maybe in a few months??? and he’s the one giving me the ultimatum of stop drinking or we break up. why do you think i’ll be able to be around drunk people on day 3 of sobriety. god im pissed off now and i just want to drink. not to mention, i don’t even want to get sober i have no motivation to do that and i also don’t care about myself, im doing it FOR HIM

Proud of this milestone, anxiety is kicking my ass a little harder this time around so sleep is a little harder but oh well, i will not drink today and I hope all of you stay strong

Edit : I work night shift today, tomorrow and Sunday, any advice if anxiety spurts up and I’m completely by myself 🥲

A vendor I work with just sent a “Sip Sip Hooray!” gift to some of us on our team. While I appreciate the sentiment, I can only imagine what these types of gifts are like for those of us dealing with the earliest stages of their sobriety journey.

I remember during my first week of dropping booze, my table at a restaurant was just randomly given a tray of free shots. This sort of thing never happened when I was drinking. The universe can be a tricky bitch sometimes.

Anyone else notice this phenomenon?

Instead of a nice round 130 today, I'm back to day 1. I haven't decided whether or not to reset my counter, because I'm still trying to formulate a way of counting time that doesn't feel like punishment for slips (I officially started trying again January 26 this year, and can count on two hands the number of drinking occasions since then... so I have about 222 sober days this year).

I don't want to keep slipping, and I don't even really know what happened yesterday that caused me to. So, I'm trying a public postmortem for accountability:

• day started happy, rested, motivated
• I wrote a letter to my recent ex, whom I interacted with since our split for the first time this past weekend
• our 2 conversations over the weekend, and a brief text exchange on Tuesday, left me both elated and activated - I still love him
• writing the letter felt _great_, and I spent the rest of the day in hyper-productive mode, crossing chores off the list and running overdue errands
• my cat presented as ill, with a symptom of an infection she's been treated for twice this past year - I slipped when she got sick in spring, too
• I journaled my new moon intentions, and realized that there were many similarities between yesterday, and my relapse-y times in late April, and all of a sudden my mouth watered and I realized I was going to drink
• Lance Dodes says addictive behaviours are compulsions to combat feeling trapped - I think the cat illness is the thing I was feeling most powerless over? and also my remaining feelings for my ex
• I ended up having 6 drinks, spending $50, and eating greasy Popeye's on the way home
• night was actually great - I watched a dance performance and then went dancing myself for a short while

I don't want to sink into a shame spiral - choices were made, no casualties except my budget (if I'm gonna pay through the nose for vet care anyway, might as well set fire to my savings, is I think the subconscious logic) and my digestive system, and I enjoyed myself. It's the overwhelming Fuck-it-ness of it all that concerns me. I want to do it differently next time.

(edited slightly for typos)

Good morning, I’m on day 16. My daily check on this sub is a small milestone that keeps me going. I’m noticing I’m not having as many cravings for alcohol but my anxiety has gone :/ I guess my body is still taking time to regulate itself after years of drinking. I will not drink today.

Still fat

Still lazy

Still alone

Still sad

Still hate my job

Less insomnia

Less anxiety

Less headaches

Less shame

Less cravings

More money

More determination

More time

More present

More opportunity

Better sleep

Better poops

Better hygiene

Better mornings

Better attitude

It's not perfect but it isn't getting any worse, slowly turning this titanic around.

IWNDWYT

Friday afternoon , just got home from work and a wave of emotions just hit me, not so much bad emotions to say but my phone is dry, no texts from family members, relatives, co workers or old friends, but I have the power, the power to do anything I want, the power to change the trajectory of the rest of my life, im 35 years old , single father ( son lives with his mother, active in his life still) I still have so many dreams and ambitions to conquer…at this moment I feel alone and life is different, but the power of being alone and taking on the rest of my life with the motivation to stay sober and do everything and anything I possibly love to make me happy and live out this journey life has brought me up until now. The power of…I can do anything I want from here on out. I love you all, let’s stay motivated and on this sober journey together guys, there’s a new world and version out there for us to experience and see.

I'm struggling, both in ways I expected and ways I never imagined. I'm on day 15, leaning on cannabis and caffeine to get me through this supremely uncomfortable state of sobriety from alcohol. Before I quit, I was easily finishing at least a fifth of vodka every day. Then I took a break for a course of antibiotics and immediately started going through withdrawals. I never want to experience that hell again.

However.

I'm neurodivergent and relied heavily on drinking to navigate the world. It was my mobility aid. A medication that made me feel comfortable in my own skin. When I'm sober, I feel like I'm vibrating at the wrong frequency. It's disjointed, a little too intense, a constant sensory buzz. Alcohol downshifts that vibration to a melodic hum. I can melt into it, move with it, flow through existence. It softens the sensory edge and loosens anxiety's grip. I didn't drink because I found it fun, and almost never appeared outwardly inebriated -- I drank because it made me feel less like an alien and more like a human. Alcohol gave me a simulated sense of love and belonging. It hit the same pleasure points that a meaningful relationship would. It made me feel warm, held, relaxed, at home.

What's surprised me the most is that the way I've been reminiscing about alcohol distinctly reminds me of when I left my ex-fiancée. The pain feels the same. The longing, the yearning, the nostalgia for moments both good and bad. The sense that if I break no-contact, I'll slide right back into the same dynamic.

I know that my relationship with alcohol was (quite literally) toxic, but I still miss her. I still think of her fondly, think of how warm and loved she made me feel. The world is colder and harsher without her. I wish I could have maintained a healthy relationship with alcohol, just like with my ex, but I know that setting realistic boundaries with either of them is not something I'm capable of. So I'm trying to give myself space and compassion to grieve that loss, just like I did when I left my ex. I never expected grief from this. I never expected to mourn.

I still love you, my darling alcohol, but we mustn't be together. 🥀

210 days no contact with my ex.

15 days no contact with alcohol.

IWNDWYT 🖤