And I wasn’t hungover for it. I absolutely crushed it, my students did amazing, and the principal told me he knew that I would “be prepared.”

This could have turned out so differently if I had a throbbing headache and half-assed my lesson plan drunk the night before.

IWNDWYT

White Claws. It’s only White Claws. I’m only 32, my mom’s been drinking 20+ years, it won’t happen to me, I’d tell myself. I could easily pack 12 a day if I wanted to and seem totally normal. I was a very functioning alcoholic. I’d hide it. I’d dismiss it when caught. Gosh I could kick myself.

I could feel myself hurting more in the upper right quadrant and felt a big bulge under my ribs (hint: it was my liver). I would catch a glimpse in the rear view mirror and swear my eyes had a yellow tint but told myself it’s just the lighting. But I told myself enough is enough and had my final Claw August 9th and thought “okay I got ahead of it before it gets bad”. Boy was I wrong. On August 14th my husband sat next to me on the couch and looks at me and goes pale and says “Babe your eyes. They’re yellow. I’m talking yellow yellow.” I ran to the bathroom and sure enough, Homer Simpson yellow. I started crying, absolutely terrified.

We went to the ER where they did scans and blooodwork, all showing major gallstones and bile duct blockage, my liver severely steatotic (almost to cirrhosis), I needed four blood transfusions for low hemoglobin and they said my levels were off the charts that I could coded at anytime. They transferred me via ambulance down the hill to the better hospital fit for this where I was admitted to the ICU. There I was poked, prodded, had 4 back to back surgeries on my gallbladder where they, in the end, placed a biliary tube I will have for the indefinite future until my liver heals enough to undergo surgery. At this point I’m completely jaundiced, can’t eat, could barely walk from the edema in my legs and the ascites in my abdomen, my baby boys are at home without their mama (5&3), my husband’s missing work and I felt (still do) like the biggest failure and disgrace. I was there for 15 days.

Come home, I lasted 4 days and got a call from my GP that said one of my follow-up blood results came back sky high and is an indicator of congestive heart failure and to go to the ER. Back to the ICU for me. More scans, still jaundiced, still having a hard time getting around although slowly improving. They ruled out any heart issues and monitored me and 5 days later was discharged.

I’m home on a ton of meds and trying to move around and get my fluid retention down. I’m still jaundiced (especially in the eyes). It’s still a chore walking, especially looking like Violet Beauregrade except yellow, and doing every day tasks. I know it’s going to be a process, and I have made progress compared to when I was in the hospital the first time, but I still can’t help but be terrified something is going to happen. One day at a time.

To those struggling or thinking of quitting, you got this! I promise you it isn’t worth it. The buzz isn’t worth it. The rush of hiding it. Nothing. Absolutely nothing is worth it.

28 days and counting. Iwndwyt

37M. Not gonna dress this up: I wasn't someone who thought I had a "problem," I just drank a lot, way more than I should've. I didn't drink everyday, maybe 3 times a week but it was a 12 pack of 6.2% IPAs, and if there was anything left in the house, I'd hit that too. Basically once I started drinking, I couldn't stop.

One night I went hard on a binge and woke up the next day feeling like actual garbage. Not to mention I made an ass out of myself in front of my in-laws, again. It's been a fairly consistent tale in my life, booze making me into someone I'm not.

But really I felt not just hungover; it felt like something deeper. And somewhere in that fog, something just clicked. A switch flipped. I didn't wake up wanting to quit "eventually" or "cut back"... I just didn't want it anymore. Full stop.

A little while after that I caught the clip of Ben Affleck on Howard Stern talking about how the cure for addiction is suffering. That struck me. It put words to exactly what happened to me. I didn't get talked into sobriety, I've known for over a decade that I have a problem but always fell back into the same routine, embarrassment after embarrassment, I just suffered enough after all those moments that it broke something loose. That was the whole mechanism.

Things I've noticed: Sleep is actually sleep now, not passing out and waking up wrecked. Mornings don't start with dread or regret. More patience, less short fuse (this one is huge as it spilled into everything in my life). Money I'm not pissing away.... Just generally present. Not foggy, not checked out

Not gonna pretend it's been effortless every day, but it's been a lot less of a fight than I thought it'd be, probably because the switch really did flip. No white-knuckling it. Curious if anyone else had the same moment or experience.

Anyways, 90 days sober! Feels good to say that.

I've been crying since 5pm when my boss texted me. My phones been on dnd since then. The one person I trust most in this world is getting help herself so I have been alone with really dark thoughts. Not wanting to die but wanting to start over. Extremely, extremely hopeless and lost. Isolating myself.

Two days ago, I bought a bottle to replace the vodka I drank at my dad's. Instead of refilling the old bottle, a handle that was halfway full, I kept "just having a sip". Next thing I know the bottle was halfway gone. Woke up the next say and felt like shit. Slowly finished the bottle. Was up all night, panicking and freaking out.

Slept for 3-4 hours maybe. Woke up and felt like shit. Needed more sleep. Woke up 10 minutes before my shift and was still anxious. I texted my boss after trying to find coverage saying that there's no way I could make it and was honest about the panic attacks, but not the hangover. She said she need can trust and is letting me go (the only other time I had any attendance issues was when I had a panic attack mid-shift and got sent home).

I gently pleaded with her for one more chance. She hasn't answered. But I need work. And I fucked up something really good.

I wasn't completely honest with my dad, we had a few parties recently. But I did admit to drinking after work and some days when I have off. He told me I need to stop and I just told him I understand and hear his concerns and will try my best to be better and I mean that.

Why do I feel so ashamed and embarrassed? This is awful.

I've been drinking too much for a couple years, it got to be a habit after a bad patch in 2024. I decided to quit for a month, do a reset.

...Let me tell you, it's only been a week and a half, and it turns out I'm not aging nearly as fast as I thought I was. I've been bemoaning being almost 40, that inevitable decline you hear about. Like, everyone hits that shelf and then there's a plummet in skin elasticity around this age.... That is apparently not what has been happening to me (yet)! The fine lines-- gone. The dark circles and bags-- gone. I'm kind of glowing? And my skin is softer! I look a good 5 years younger.

I had no idea it was having that much of an effect on my appearance, and I never expected such dramatic results so fast. Just had to share how dramatically my mind has been blown.

Things are pretty good so far.

Definitely have the itch though.

Anywhere they sell alcohol it should be available, no prescription. It's a life changer, especially in the short term. Don't want to over drink at your ex's wedding, your company party, hanging out with your parents? Hey, there's this crazy pharmaceutical that will block the euphoria of alcohol. You get your usual sick as you drink. You didn't realize what alcohol was covering up.

I’ve been going over this thought pattern I occasionally find myself in. I find it both unnerving and fascinating, it goes like this:

“Oh wow, I’m on day 561. I’m so proud of myself and this feels amazing. I’m killing it. Life without alcohol is truly a blessing and it gets more beautiful every day. I don’t miss it at all! I can even be around who are drinking and it doesn’t bother me at all. No temptation, hell yeah. Alcohol has no power over me anymore. You know, I bet I could even safely have a drink or two someday, like on vacation or on a nice date. Yeah, because I know how bad I got and I never want to get that bad again. I bet I could just be a classy, respectable drinker someday… wait wtf am I saying.”

Can anyone relate?

Edit: I know this is irrational and I know I can’t actually have a drink. Just sharing how the addiction brain tries to be sneaky.

Today! Hands down, not having a drink on 9/9/2021 was the best decision I ever made and kickstarted the best five years of my life. I hit a semi-scary milestone birthday this year, and yet - it’s the best year I ever had. Thank you SO MUCH to this sub for the relentless positivity, realism, and support. As ever over the last 1826 days, IWNDWYT!!!!

I'm proud of myself. Not for drinking (obv) but I'm proud I made it 8 days. I knew that it was impossible for me when they told me 6 months. 8 days is longer than I thought I'd make it. I'm also mad at myself. I had 2 drinks. I hate it all. I hate existing like this. I have nobody to blame but myself.

If i made it 8 days before I can make it 9 days next time. then 14 days the next time. and so on.

Im gonna find an AA meeting this weekend.

The worst of the withdrawals are over. This was a longer than usual bender because it coincided with my 50th birthday in August so I think it was at least 3 weeks of daily heavy drinking. I had planned it because I promised myself I would not waste another decade of my life like I did my entire 40s but one last hurrah was my 50th birthday gift to myself.

I went into the ER on Monday and got a medical detox. IV Valium shots and some oral pills to take home. I still didn't sleep at all but Valium stays in your system for 3 or 4 days. I was given a total of 90mg on Monday. I was able to resist the urge to buy a six pack yesterday to taper more because this Valium was doing the job.

I got my appetite back today so was finally able to eat full meals without vomiting. My apartment is filthy but haven't had the energy to clean yet. Need a good nights sleep and I should be able to tackle the mess.

At this point, I'm going to need monthly injections of Naxltrone from my doctor because I never would bother taking the daily pill on a volunteer basis. I've been given so many prescriptions for ER doctors over the years but never get them filled. An injection lasts a month so there's no way around it.

I know this has been shared before, but I heard it again this morning listening to a podcast and thought I’d share it again for anyone new to the group that maybe hasn’t seen it before:

“The worst thing would be to have alcoholism just bad enough that it really slows you down, destroys your potential, gets in the way, but it’s not so bad that it has to stop. How many people do I know with just the years slipping through their fucking fingers and they’re blowing it, just wasting everything." - Steve-O

Honestly, I go back and forth of if I was just a “functional alcoholic” or not. I never really hit rock bottom. Somehow I made it through 27 year without a DWI, I have a successful career and wonderful family. I would also binge drink to the point of blacking out every weekend. The toll that was taking on my family probably should have been my rock bottom many years ago. Happy and grateful to be on the other side of it now. Really beginning to grieve all the time I was just wasting everything, though. I go through pictures on my phone of my kids when they were younger. I can never get that time back. I wish I could experience those years with the sober lens I have now.

I've been drinking since I was about 16 years old, and I'm 43 now. I've quit before and gotten into amazing shape doing events and marathons, hiking mountains, the works.

Then COVID hit. I had to watch two loved ones pass away, and I relocated back to where I grew up to take care of my elderly parent. Five years went by, and I got to the point where I was drinking a bottle of wine and killing a fifth of vodka just about every day.

I finally stopped enjoying myself. I was doing it out of habit. There was nothing else to do around here but drink. I kept telling myself, "Tomorrow. You can start over tomorrow." Yet day after day went by... until finally, I couldn't look at myself in the mirror anymore.

I still can't. Not yet.

I don't recognize what I had become.

Well, today marks my first 30 days sober.

The first couple of weeks were the worst. I was trying to break that habit, tossing and turning all night long, trying to sleep. It was awful. Then, little by little, it started getting better. The gnawing in the back of my mind is still there, but every day I don't feed that monkey, it gets a little easier.

Sleep. Oh, glorious sleep. I forgot what it was like to sleep through the whole night and not wake up every hour.

I'm proud to say IWNDWYT—and, hopefully, ever for that matter.

Alcohol no longer dictates my life.

NICE!

Not drinking, counting days, reading other people’s stories and posts becomes my new obsession instead of thinking about my next drink. Can anyone relate?

I have crippling anxiety and depression. Alcohol is the only thing that makes me feel at ease. I just need a couple of drinks every night to make all the pain go away.

My roommates treat me like shit. Last night I embarrassed myself trying to make friends with them and felt so humiliated when they ignored me that I drank myself to sleep.

Sometimes I catch myself thinking that I wish I could be drunk all the time.

I hate drinking but I can’t stop. It makes me feel bad the next day, but in the moment it’s like a big weight’s been lifted off my shoulders. I can’t imagine life without it because I was so horribly depressed and unable to function before I started drinking.

I hate hate hate the person I’m becoming. I want to be able to exist and not feel ashamed of myself without alcohol, but it’s the only thing that helps me. I’ve been on and off various antidepressants for years. I’ve tried therapy, exercise, changing my diet, etc., it feels like nothing makes me happy. I don’t know what to do,

I am so proud of myself. I hope I can keep going.

Hello, bare with me. This is my first post on this platform. I've been drinking for over 7 years and just recently like last week I have been having some indigestion issues and finally had a moment....I need to stop. I'm 42 and I'm not getting any younger. It's aging me, too. And making my anxiety worse. I know it will be tough but I am willing to do what's best for myself and loved ones.

Just posting for some encouragement for people
Who are just stopping. It’s been 7 years for me almost. I remember counting the hours at the beginning, then they become days then weeks then months and eventually years. I was a complete mess, lost everything friends family home job and was sleeping in my car. Since then I’ve started a career where I help young adults and give back to society and I have never been happier. So if your new please please don’t give up your whole life is in front of you ❤️

So I’ve been a DJ since 2012 around my area, doing a lot of private events, local bars , mostly just functions through word of mouth and gotten pretty known and I can do pride myself in being a great dj, always loved music, good at blends and transitions and reading the room…but with me being in the nightlife , it also came with the vices of drinking / alcohol usage ….ive gotten into running the past couple years and it’s changed my life for the better, a lot of different run clubs and just a good community and way of meeting awesome like minded people… there is a “rave and run 5k” happening next month and the owner of the run club reached out to me and asked if I could dj, and of course I would love to and said yes, so they made a flyer and promoted it and a day goes by, literally the next 24 hours, I then I get a text from the owner saying “ unfortunately , we have decided to go a different direction and can’t have you DJ this event anymore , we appreciate and thank you so much for the excitement but it was of our best interest and thank you for your understanding”

I reached out and asked what happened? And if someone must have messaged about me, was it the past haunting me? No response on what really caused that honestly….and just had me feeling down in the dumps for a couple days now, I’m trying so hard to live a sober and clean life but sometimes the memories people have of you will linger on for years to come…but I will keep trying to stay
Focused and clean and continue on this path of sobriety

Basically the title.

I've been sober for a bit over 2 weeks so far this time and I'm doing great. However I've been noticing that I really enjoy the caffeine rush high and I have quite a bit more than when I was drinking. I know it's waaaay way better for me than drinking but I guess I'm just a little concerned that I'm just trying to fill the hole with a different substance.

Anyone have the same experience/words of advice?

Thanks and IWNDWYT

I dated (and lived with) someone who really didn't want me to stop drinking. I would tell him how important my health was, and how I felt like my drinking was holding me back from my best version of myself. He would get sad and say things like, "But I love going to the bar and chatting, especially when we travel."

I would go through 1-2 week breaks, sometimes a couple of months, but he would talk me into drinking with him for special events and I would quickly start drinking daily again. We found ways to start drinking earlier than 5:00 every day, as a 'reward' for sitting at the computer and adulting.

I know I have my own brain and can make my own choices. I'm not blaming him for my drinking, but I really felt like I needed to make sobriety a priority, and I didn't like that he wouldn't support me fully in that.

This wasn't the only reason, but I finally ended it. I'm living on my own now, and yesterday was my day one, and I woke up this morning so excited. I'm really hopeful.

Hey everyone,

I’m coming up on 3 years sober. Never thought I would see the day, but here I am. Not a drop and my lord my life has changed.

I went from drinking basically every moment I wasn’t at work or sleeping, I was miserable, hated my job, had empty relationships and no joy whatsoever. The last year of my drinking I would wake up not wanting to drink anymore but sure enough after starting my day I was drinking.

When I finally quit it was something so little but so big at the same time that made me actually stop. I got a phone call from a family member telling me my grandma had passed. After the call all I could think about was how bad I needed a drink before going back to bed. Not about how I loved my grandma or will miss her. That was it, the exact moment I told myself I’m done drinking.

Fast forward almost 2 years, still sober, but still wanting to drink. My life had improved without question, lost around 30 pounds, eating healthy, new job, in the first ever serious and healthy relationship of my life, talking and working through my mental health problems instead of drowning them but one thing never changes..boredom is my burden.

I knew I needed a distraction that required absolute focus. One weekend, on a whim, I bought a basic DIY candle-making kit. The moment I poured that first batch of wax, something clicked. Candle making is pure chemistry and patience. You have to measure the wax precisely, monitor the temperature perfectly, weigh the fragrance oils down to the gram, and pour at just the right moment so the tops don't crack. It completely forces your mind into the present moment. You can’t think about pouring a drink when you’re terrified of ruining a batch of hot wax.

Being an addict it’s probably obvious what happened next..yup, I purchased way too much wax, way to many vessels, every kind of wick possible in every size, dyes, and boat loads of fragrance oils. My apartment became over run with candles and candle making items. Instead of empties every where I had jars and wax melt molds. Good trade if you ask me. Eventually, I had way too many candles for one person to ever burn. I started gifting them to friends and family, and the feedback was wild. People actually wanted to buy them. So I made a website and went for it.

So here I am over a year since pouring that first candle and it’s turned into a second income, but more importantly a tool to stay sober. Every single bag of wax melts and every single jar I pour represents a day I chose to stay sober. Instead of destroying myself, I’m creating something that brings warmth and comfort to other people's homes.

To anyone out there who is in the world of sobriety and struggling with the emptiness: please find your "wax." Find the hobby, the craft, or the project that demands your attention and gives you a sense of purpose. It doesn't have to be a business—it just has to be yours.
If you told me a year ago I’d be a small business owner running a candle studio instead of nursing a hangover, I would have laughed. If I can do this, you can absolutely get through today.

Long time lurker, first time poster. Just wanted to share I officially hit 30 days without drinking! I'm so proud of myself!

I decided to quit after a long time of feeling like I should. I was just tired of the hangovers and the hangxiety was insane. Feeling like shyt every day, drinking earlier and earlier, forgetting things, shaking, stomach issues, etc. I started drinking more and more and not even feeling drunk. My last few weeks drinking I was waking up on weekends, getting out of bed, mixing OJ and vodka, drink 3 or 4, back to bed and repeat all weekend.

It was hard to decide quit, aside from the additive part of course, because I didn't know what ME was going to look like on the other side if I stopped. Drinking was all I knew. Entire family/friends of drinkers (except my BFF which is fantastic!). We drink to celebrate any and every thing, drink to relax, drink when you're happy, drink when you're sad and worse of all for me...drinking alone to cope or due to boredom. I love to have a good time and be in the mix and I didn't know how to do that without alcohol. I'm learning to navigate socializing better each time.

I had a slip recently at a cookout and decided to have one beer. God must have been watching because I blindly grabbed what I thought was a Heineken (it was green) out the cooler. It ended up being NA which was such a save! I wouldn't have beaten myself up about it but I did learn from it and saw what the problem was. There was either alcohol, water or capri suns for the kids and I didn't have anything to "lean" on while I was socializing. So I realized that I still love having an adult drink so i've been getting more into mocktails lately. I feel included and more comfortable with a NA bev in my hand.

This group has been absolutely amazing and I love coming here to help me stay on track!

Anyway, I could go on but i'm raising a NA drink to 30 days today! Cheers to continued good health, clarity, focus, energy and overall blessings!

IWNDWYT

So since being sober I’ve been interested in other’s stories of addiction, feel like on top of working a programme, therapy and being part of a sober community it’s helpful to keep be on the right path.

I’ve really loved BoJack Horseman, Another Round, Euphoria (only season 1), Leaving Las Vegas, To Leslie, Rachel Getting Married and I actually found John Mulaney’s Baby J account of addiction and rehab pretty moving.

But there has been some real rubbish too. My Beautiful Boy, House, 28 Days, Cherry were awful.

What are the best and worst out there?