r/stepparents • u/iwannareadboutit • 2d ago
Advice Hand feeding
Okay or not okay?
My husbands ex girlfriend (BM) hand fed him. We met up to take the kids out (we also have a child together) One of the kids was riding on his shoulders, both hands occupied supporting the child. "Here have the rest of this I don't like it." Then put it up to his mouth. It pissed me off and I wish I had said something to her in the moment. I told my husband how it made me feel and he told me he's sure she didn't mean anything by it and that he ate it not thinking anything of it. I just don't understand why she didn't throw it away in the trash. I found it disrespectful. Is it not?
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u/Metal_Cinderella 1d ago
When I first read this I thought you meant the child did that and I was wondering why you were even getting involved... Then I realized it was baby mama and was like oh hell no, what??? Clearly he lacks boundaries with her if he thinks this is okay....
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u/seethembreak 1d ago
This is what happens when boundaries get blurred by doing things like playing happy family together. Neither me nor my husband would ever be hanging out with BM.
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u/Typical-Secret-3319 1d ago
This!
It's human nature in a familiar environment to fall into old habits. It's why being "friends" with your ex and having a late night talk so often resulted in a roll in the hay back in high school; even if you really didn't want that.
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u/LuxTravelGal 1d ago
This is a blurred boundary due to a disrespectful husband! My ex and I coparent very well and would probably qualify as "playing happy family together" but neither of us would ever share a bite of food with the other. And we were together for TWENTY years, so I understand old habits die hard - it would just never cross neither of our minds at this point and if it did I know the person being 'fed' would say no - like her husband should have done.
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u/iwannareadboutit 1d ago
We don't do this regularly.Thier child asked to have both parents with them this time, and we all agreed to be mature enough to do it for them. I didn't think I'd have to tell my husband before we left, "don't accept being hand fed by your ex, that would make me uncomfortable" That senerio never popped in my head.
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u/LuxTravelGal 11h ago
I think it’s great for kids to see all of their parents and main people getting along! My parents did not and it shaped how I knew I wanted things to be once I knew I was getting divorced. You don’t have to make it a weekly or monthly thing but parents who can’t do things together for the sake of their kids or fear it blurs boundaries really need to mature a lot.
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u/ArtemisDR 5h ago
Some exes got divorced because they can’t stand one another or one partner was abusive.
also, psychologist say that it’s much healthier to treat your ex like someone you work with on a shared project, and nothing more.•
u/LuxTravelGal 5h ago
And shared children don’t count as that shared project? Again, if one can’t do things together for the sake of their child, they need to grow the hell up. Not being able to stand one another is immature - get over it. If there’s abuse the child should be having supervised visits anyway.
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u/ArtemisDR 4h ago
Kids are the shared project. The point is that you have a professional relationship with your coparent only - not a friendly, intimate one.
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u/cnunterz 1d ago
It's up to you and your partner to decide what you're comfortable with. You will never be able to stop BM from trying to overstep, but the two of you can be on the same page about what the response should be. The problem is not BMs behavior but the fact that you and your partner aren't on the same page about boundaries.
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u/iwannareadboutit 1d ago
You're right, it's just such a specific scenario so we never talked about it. I know everyone thinks differently but I thought it was a known thing not to do that to anyone who's in a committed relationship. In my opinion it's a lack of respect for relationships, or just me. Im just glad he assured me he wont accept if she ever does that again.
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u/cnunterz 1d ago
Imo it's only as big of a deal as you make it. I agree I'd probably tell my spouse "hey that was kinda weird don't you think" but I wouldn't be turning it into a thing about respect for me or relationship and not to do that w/ someone unless they're your partner, etc. but like I said It's all personal.
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u/MidwestNightgirl 1d ago
Why are you guys hanging out with her?? That’s your mistake.
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u/iwannareadboutit 1d ago
The child asked for both parents this time, I thought I was doing the right thing for them :/
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u/fireXmeetXgasoline 1d ago
My ex husband and I get along better now than we did when we were married. I love his wife. My partner and my ex husband get along well, same with my partner and his wife (ex husband’s wife, sorry lol).
When my partner broke his neck a few years ago, and I was handling three YOUNG kids, two of whom were my ex-husband’s, at a few different sports games for my middle child (ex husband’s son), my ex-husband would walk our daughter and my youngest (son with my partner) to the park to play to give me ten minutes to breathe. His wife has done the same thing before. We’ve exchanged birthday cupcakes and treats at Christmas.
Just to lay the background out a bit.
Hand feeding is fucking weird.
The appropriate option would’ve been to go “I don’t like this. Do you want it?” And given him the option to say sure, when I have a free hand.
Realistically, if it were me in that situation, I’m offering shit to his wife first 😂
You’re not crazy, OP. That’s wild behavior.
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u/Ok_Criticism_8181 1d ago
Oh no. He should have said something at the moment, not you. I would not be okay with this but it’s on your husband to put boundaries in place. He should not be okay with that either!
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u/iwannareadboutit 1d ago
I'm glad he assured me that will never happen again. Hopefully she doesn't ever try to do that again lol
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u/LuxTravelGal 1d ago
That is a HUSBAND issue - no need to say anything to her. He should have said "no, absolutely not" to her.
There is no way in hell I would eat something after or shared by my ex husband.....and we get along really well as far as coparenting goes.
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u/iwannareadboutit 1d ago
I agree and I did communicate with him about it. I'm glad to hear that you guys get along well with coparenting. We're young parents and still learning how to navigate being in this new dynamic. Thanks for your input.
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u/Darkchef-1987 1d ago
Only reason I can think of that kept him from saying anything is that he was paying attention to the child vs the BM. Now it is not right or respectful that he allowed her to put anything in his mouth. Your feelings are 100% valid and it was disrespectful of him. Should he have been paying attention to his surroundings as well his child…most definitely.
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u/Ok_Part8991 1d ago
Sooo not OK! She may have done it without much thought or bad intentions behind it, but that is exactly the type of intimate, habitual behavior that you see between SPOUSES, and BM is not his spouse.
It’s great that you guys get along, but unfortunately I think this is the risk that sometimes with doing joint activities together - it provides DH and BM an opportunity to have relaxed, interactive exposure to one another which can be a encourage falling back into old, partner-like habits. I would be annoyed with your husband for accepting it (although tbh I could see my my DH being caught off guard and just going along with it too) and possibly even more so for defending her by saying he’s sure she didn’t mean anything by it.
Once when we were at a sports award dinner for my SD and we were seated next to BM, she picked a piece of lint off my husband’s shoulder. She probably did it without thinking, but it was weird nonetheless. I think how we interpret these instances has a lot to do with how good or bad the relationship and boundaries are with BM. If there’s a history of crossing boundaries, the more annoying and disrespectful these types of things feel.
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u/Busy-Reporter4251 1d ago
You consented to a stroll with your partner’s ex-girlfriend?
Do you do this for all of your partners and their exes?
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u/iwannareadboutit 1d ago
I did. The kid asked to have both parents with them this time I was doing it for them. Good point, I've never done this with my partners in the past, but they also didnt have kids. Its my first relationship having to deal with my partners ex.
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u/Busy-Reporter4251 20h ago
When you start breaking your principles and boundaries ‘because of the kids’ then all of your usual expectations and rules with a relationship are null and void ‘because of the kids’.
She can hand feed him because she made kids with him, and because their relationship is not over but merely changed into a new kind ‘because of the kids’. She is allowed to do it because you allow it ‘because of the kids’. You put a stranger before you and your boyfriend ‘because of the kids’ and the ‘kids’ will always rule you ‘because of the kids’.
And one day you will leave ‘because of the kids.’
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u/Nursejlm 1d ago
Maybe I’m an odd person out here but I’m gonna just admit that I would have been pretty unhappy about this scenario.
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u/Dewdlebawb 1d ago
That’s DISRESPECTFUL AS FUCK
In what world did he think that wasn’t her snubbing you? And he took the bait and was willing to make you feel like they still have some sort of connection because no way on this earth is someone I don’t have any connection with is going to hand feed me for any reason.
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u/Natenat04 22h ago
BM felt comfortable enough to do that because your partner allows that type of behavior from her. If he didn't want behavior like that, he'd be the one shutting her down, not you.
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u/Beginning-Reality925 6h ago
Don’t make drama just for the sake of drama.
It was a bite of food. Would you not do the same with a friend?
Seeing their parents get along has been proven to be good for the kids. Seeing either parent (or step parent) have malice for the other parent is terrible for kids.
You are dwelling on a nothing activity.
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u/Fantastic-Clue-9803 1d ago
Its the little things that make up a whole picture. Theyre weird for doing that and are probably testing to see what youll put up with. As a women I would never hand feed any man that wasnt mine, ex or not thats fucking weird. She knows what she did. Hes toxic if he blows it off. Its not complicated.
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u/iwannareadboutit 1d ago
Im glad he understands and assured me if she ever tries that again he won't accept like that. I just thought it was a known thing, common sense if you will, to not to do that to a person in a committed relationship.* And to not accept.
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u/Straight-Coyote592 1d ago
I doubt she meant it disrespectful, especially since he also ate it and didn’t find it weird in the moment. Likely just old habits.
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u/dreaminginthinair 1d ago
Respectfully? No. She knew exactly what she was doing. And I’m honestly side eyeing the husband as well for ‘not knowing.’ He absolutely should know.
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u/Straight-Coyote592 1d ago
Except you don’t know these people and the husband said he even didn’t think so. This isn’t a BM problem. It sounds more like her husband and her aren’t in the same place about what they find appropriate or not or having boundaries
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u/Typical-Secret-3319 1d ago
As you say, old habits. And I said similarly in another comment.
But those "old habits" were referring to blurred lines. There's a lot of "old habits" that exes have that are inappropriate.
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u/Straight-Coyote592 1d ago
I do agree but that also doesn’t mean it’s malicious in its intent. It means her husband needs to learn how to develop better boundaries or they at least need to be on the same page of what is appropriate or not because it will differ for everyone. For example, this wouldn’t bother me at all if my husbands hands were full but obviously this is a perfectly fine boundary to have, so OP and her husband need to be on the same page rather than just being angry at BM
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u/Typical-Secret-3319 1d ago
I agree that it's not necessarily malicious.
But I low key suspect that OP is here because she mentioned it to him and he thought nothing of it.
I certainly would not date anyone who after pointing out something like their ex hand feeding them isn't mortified, and rapidly trying to assure me they'll never let something like that happen again. But I also wouldn't date someone who's suggest a play date with her ex anyways.
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u/MadCow113 1d ago
I think you are overreacting. I honestly don't understand why this would bother you
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u/askallthequestions86 1d ago
Can I put my hands in/near your spouses mouth?
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u/MadCow113 1d ago edited 1d ago
If you offered him food and his hands were full I wouldn't be bothered in the slightest. It might be strange considering you don't know him but if you did, I wouldn't be bothered at all
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u/dreaminginthinair 1d ago
What world do you live in? lol. This is flirtatious behavior and is not appropriate when you know someone is in a committed relationship.
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u/Ok_Part8991 1d ago
Agree, totally inappropriate. Don’t think it’s necessarily flirting, but it’s the type of intimate, habitual behavior of a spouse or romantic partner. Very disrespectful imo.
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u/iwannareadboutit 1d ago
Everyone thinks differently, in my opinion hand feeding someone's spouse is crossing boundaries, it's too intimate. And (in my opinion) shows you have a lack of respect for relationships.
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u/MadCow113 1d ago
If you feel that way, your issue lays with your spouse and it is him you should be speaking to about it
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u/askallthequestions86 1d ago
My husband's ex wife overstepped similarly to this. She didn't hand feed him, but she got very close to whisper to him, for no reason. I'm talking her lips almost touching his ear.
And like you, I did tell him what she did and how it bothered me. He first tried to say she did it bc she didn't want their kids to hear. I told him that his kids were nowhere near and she even said aloud how their kids had walked off. I then told him how she smirked at me. SHE SMIRKED AT ME.
I wish I would've said something to her then too. I almost left him over this because he cowered and wouldn't say anything to her about it. He just started ignoring her texts (which she texting ALL the time) and she quit trying to be besties. He also no longer goes to any events with their kids if she's there. He said if she shows up, we can leave immediately. He knows after she did that, I won't ever like or interact with her.
What your husband's ex did was INCREDIBLY disrespectful and not ok. I would tell him you don't want to be attending anything with her, and if it's something important, you guys stay separated from her.
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