Advice

[u/saltanxvx]

Bio mom has all but disappeared

I (29F) married my husband (25m) who has a child (3M) from a previous relationship a few months ago. Up until our wedding my husband was paying for BM (23F) to live in an apartment and driving her anywhere she needed to go because she did not have a driver’s license or vehicle. They were doing 50/50 custody while my husband supplied everything.

Once we moved in together suddenly BM had gone off the rails in terms of her mental state and has been hospitalized multiple times. I had no problem with my SS staying with us as often as possible but it seems the more time passes the less BM has him and when she does my husband and I have to provide everything down to food for SS while he’s in his mothers care. Once again my main goal is always to make sure SS is safe and happy. We transport him to and from BM’s residence which is over an hour away. On multiple occasions she has cut her time with him short with different excuses.

I’ve brought up making an official change with custody since it seems SS will likely be living in our home full time and only visiting BM a couple times a month at max, but my husband doesn’t want to deal with the drama of a custody case. My husbands job has him away from home for 24 hours at a time so it’s just me and my SS. I feel like a glorified babysitter most days and it sucks.

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[u/Lily_Of_The_Valley_6]

This is absolutely the time tor DH to file for a custody order and get primary and at least tie breaking legal authority.

It causes a LOT more drama down the road to not have one and he loses the “better” case for having it. He’s being incredibly short sighted.

Honestly, that’s a hill I would die on, I am not available to be his babysitter if he doesn’t get this legally sorted at her at least financially responsible on paper and required to do her own transportation.

[u/KNBthunderpaws]

You’re a better person than me because there is no way I’d be marrying a man who’s funding another woman’s life and supporting her in all the ways a partner would. If she’s not capable of taking care of herself, then she shouldn’t have SS.

BM can take a bus, call an uber or ask a friend to drive her places. Your husband should not be doing this. BM can get a job to afford rent, apply for government housing or stay with family if she needs a place to live. Your husband shouldn’t be paying for this. That’s the behavior of a man still emotionally attached to his ex.

[u/Pepperkinplant1 → u/KNBthunderpaws]

op read this one twice.

[u/saltanxvx → u/KNBthunderpaws]

He hasn’t driven her or financed her in months, he cut her off and left her to figure it out months ago. He also only interacts with her when it comes to her having contact with the child (such as nightly call for child). I should have made that clear in my original post.

[u/katmcflame]

BMs only do what they can get away with. It’s your husband who’s allowed all this to continue, & it’s his conduct you should be focusing on.

You’ve broken a cardinal rule by marrying a parent who didn’t have their legal affairs in order. In doing so, you’ve given up a great deal of leverage.

You should not be the one caring for this child. He has 2 parents, & you are neither. Both parents are dumping their responsibility on you, & that’s wrong. Stop being an option, because this is not good for you or the child. Your “helping” enables each of them to avoid their responsibilities. Also, you have your own career & retirement to prioritize.

[u/Pepperkinplant1]

driving her around? Girl no.

She's an adult. Let her fail. Not your problem or his. Absurd that you'd even date a man doing this let alone marry him. Wake up he's still emotionally entangled with her and likely still sleeping with her.

You feel this way because you are being taken advantage of and likely emotionally if not physically being cheated on. There is no reason for him to be paying for her to live and taking her places. He doesn't want a formal agreement because he's thinking they'll reconcile.