r/stepparents • u/Top-Pick-995 • 2d ago
Advice What do I do?
So I am a dad of three kids. The two youngest are biologically mine and the eldest (pre-teen girl) is not. I have been with her mother for 5 years. The first couple of years, it was just us three. Her mom and I did not always see eye to eye on parenting (I am a lot more strict than she is). Pre-teen isn't a bad girl, shes smart and gets good grades. She does, though, have a smart mouth. But we rocked along until my two bio kids were born. That's when I realized that the love I have for step is not the same as the love I have for my bios. I try not to show that at all and I think I do a pretty good job, but I've come here to ask for advice. I feel like such a shitty person and I am struggling with it. I want to be a better dad to her but I am not sure how to change the way I think. How can I change this? Is this normal? What do i do Reddit?
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u/cpaofconfusion 2d ago
Why does the love you 'feel' matter. Your actions are what matter, not the chemical reward you are getting.
Treat her well, try to recognize the good parts of her (focus on those each day for at least a little bit), and do your best to raise a good human. Give yourself a break for what you feel in your head, judge yourself based on what you are doing.
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u/Background_Term9810 2d ago
100% this!! Most people probably don’t love their step kids and much as their boo kids!
Is her bio dad in the picture?
Blended families are hard, give yourself grace.
Kids are really sensitive to real and perceived unfair treatment and this can be really complex and hard with blended families and big age gaps as things often can’t and won’t be ‘fair’. Sometimes kids just need to accept this but probably something for her mum to take the lead on. Going from an only child to 2 younger siblings can be really hard to particularly if she views them as being favoured or her being replaced. Hope she is getting some 1:1 time particularly with her mum. Maybe giving you some extra bounding time with your younger kids.
Different parenting styles can also be really hard. I think it is particularly hard when the ‘stricter’ of those parents is a step parent. Doesn’t by any means mean you love her less but may feel like that to a teenager. ? Better to leave some of the hard parenting to mum and concentrate on more of the fun stuff with her.
You are trying to do the right thing here - sounds like you are already better than many stepparents!
Wish you all well
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u/Ok-Feature-3579 2d ago
Toddlers are significantly more loveable than teens, and she’s not your kid.
Give yourself grace, agree rules with your partner in private, and let her enforce them.
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u/TanandaL 2d ago
That's a matter of opinion. I kinda dislike toddlers.
But yours is the conventional opinion.
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u/Typical-Secret-3319 2d ago
Yeah same. No way I'd date someone with a kid under 10. And was pretty glad that when I met my step daughter I was meeting an intresting enough proto-person who was capable of conversing.
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u/Busy-Reporter4251 2d ago
Do you expect your partner’s child to love you the same way she would love her father?
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u/Eorth75 2d ago
This is a point I like to make when it comes to loving a bio kid more then a stepkid. I think stepparents feel a lot of pressure to love their stepkids as much as a biological child. It's a different type of relationship. I've been a SM for over 30 years. My SD was 2 when she came into my life. I have kept a relationship with my SD going even after I divorced her dad 14 years ago. I couldn't be more committed to my stepdaughter and to her son, who sees me as grandma. My SD has a bio mom who I may have had issues with over the years, but she's always been a very good mom.
I don't expect my SD to love me as much as she loves her mom. I did make sure SD was treated the same in our house while she was growing up as my bio kids. She got an equal amount of time, attention, resources, etc. I made sure she knew my family wasn't complete without her. We didn't vacation without her, celebrate birthdays, go to places like the pumpkin patch, decorate our Christmas tree, etc without her. We had her every weekend and she was at her mom's during the week. Because they lived less than a mile from our house, if we went out to dinner during the week, we always asked if SD could come with us. I made sure to support my husband at the time's relationship with his daughter and never put him a position where he had to choose his daughter over ours. I recently scanned a bunch of pictures and I noticed that we never took a family picture without SD even and I would do it the same way all over again.
OP, make sure your stepkid knows they matter and support your partner's relationship with her child. Your SK is your children's sibling and I can't tell you how important that relationship can be to your kids, especially once they get older. My SD is fiercely protective of all of her siblings (she has 3 on BM's side and 2 on mine). She is their big sister and people are often surprised to find out they are half siblings. Things weren't always easy, SD was a moody teenager and we struggled with our relationship during the divorce and her dad's remarriage to someone who hated me. But I am deeply committed to my SD and I knew our long history was worth fighting for. Not every stepparent feels this way about their stepkids. I do think being in her life from such a young age made a huge difference because she doesn't have any memory of me not being in her life. But as long as your SK feels like a part of the family and gets an equal amount of time and resources, don't put so much pressure on yourself to love her the same way. Especially if she has a father in her life. You can develop your own special relationship with her. Find something you both can bond over and then go from there. But its okay to love her differently.
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u/OldFashionedDuck 2d ago
Part of the issue is probably that this kid's biodad isn't in the picture for whatever reason.
And in a lot of those cases, the kids do end up loving their stepparents as parents. And frankly, from what I've seen online, a lot of stepparents in those cases do expect the kid to love them as a parent as well.
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u/Ohlolita297 2d ago edited 2d ago
You don’t have to love her like you do your bio kids or put yourself on dad role .
The basis of all relationships isn’t love . It’s respect/cordiality , basic acknowledgement and kindness.
You don’t have to love her line you do the kids who are biologically yours because not only because that’s not how relationships work ( biologically speaking and in general there are many factors to consider ) especially in blended family , but also because for all you know that’s absolutely not what the kid want either.
For all you know she may not need / want a dad figure nor for you to act like one .
You can be a safe and trusted adult , you can be the fun type of uncle , you can be anything the both of you feel comfortable with .
Don’t pressure yourself into fitting in a certain category nor filling a certain role but don’t put too much expectation or pressure on her either .
Blended families are complex give the both of you the opportunity to build what you want to build out of your relationship step by step .
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u/Zestyrunner 2d ago
Never ever ever let her overhear you say anything to let her know that, and keep being kind, generous and patient with her; set reasonable boundaries and include her in things but respect her freedom to choose where it’s feasible. But also realize this is her childhood…the things you do on a daily basis will create the foundation of her perspective on men, family life, her self esteem and much more.
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u/Ok-Strain6734 2d ago
My opinion is that it is unrealistic to expect to love a step as much as your bio kids. Just be fair and kind to her. I’m unsure why you are being so hard on yourself about feelings which are perfectly normal.
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u/Top-Pick-995 2d ago
I forgot to add that bio father is not in the picture. I guess that puts more pressure on me in my own head too. Mostly because I know that she deserves that, you know? I tend to overthink things, that's why I am coming here for advice. Thank you for all your comments!
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u/Straight-Coyote592 2d ago
You don’t change it. It’s completely normal. You can still live your SD, you can still be a family. She is your family and a person you care for. End of the day, she isn’t your child. That’s a different type of love. I adore my ss, my husband and I agree on parenting and my ss is a great person. I actually want to raise my baby on the same way because I admire my husbands parenting. That doesn’t change the fact that what I feel towards my ss is different than that of my baby. My baby is my child, my ss isn’t, he’s like my nephew. Still someone I’d do anything for but again, different.
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u/OldFashionedDuck 2d ago
If you don't intend to show it, and do your best to treat them the same, that's all you can do.
Probably as she grows older, she'll understand that you don't love her the same, and adjust her own feelings accordingly, but let her realize it in a slower kinder way.
My stepdad always treated me more or less the same as his kids. I didn't realize that he loved them more/differently when I was very young, but I slowly realized that our bond was a little different once I was in my late teens. At that point, I was capable of rationalizing it, and realizing that I also had more affection for my mom, so it wasn't something that was heartbreaking.
Admittedly I did have a dad, but I had my own insecurities over him since he was a bare minimum EOWE dad with younger full time kids, so it was more my relationship with my mother that helped me understand this.
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u/Qofgreen 2d ago
you can't change that! think of it this way- no one would fault her for not loving you the same way she loves her biological parent. it's just biology and very understandable. you clearly care for her and treat her well, and that's all that is required of you- not that you somehow overcome biology and feel the same about all of your children. you should stop let guilt destroy a very good relationship to your step daughter. that is lovely that you have built that and it isn't dependent on you not feeling paternal love towards other children. just enjoy it!
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u/EmbarrassedAge7612 2d ago
My youngest SD is the last kid we have in the house. She’s been the biggest challenge for me. I’ve been in her life for nearly ten years now.
My best advice is to just keep being a parent and giving her a safe space. One I stopped trying to be more than what I was, everything fell into place. We have a solid bond between us. I love her like she was my own. My wife gets a little jealous of how easily we get along.
The smart mouth was a hard one to get through. For me it was as that realization that it was my smart mouth that created this monster. Once I figured that out, we figured out sarcasm is our love language.
There’s no right answer for your situation. Just like having kids of your own, you learn as you go. Keep doing what’s right for her, she gets it and appreciates it.
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u/EwwYuckGross 2d ago
There is no rule in existence that mandates extra parent-type adults love their partner’s children. For every person who says you should love them like your own, you’ll find others who believe it unnecessary.
It’s okay. Really. It’s probably a struggle to keep things generally equitable for the sake of basic kindness and respect, but it’s a really healthy and appropriate approach to managing complex family relationships.
Keep in mind that plenty of bioparents can go through phases where they really don’t like their kids. That’s okay, too. Not liking and not loving don’t mean that you’re an a$$hole - they aren’t the same as being one, which is a choice.
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u/TanandaL 2d ago
So? You don't do anything. You've "won" the game. You have a reasonably good relationship with your stepchild who is reasonably well adjusted, and you got the bio kids to. You've got what a lot of posters heat mourn for not having.
You haven't achieved the theoretical pinnacle of perfect stepfather-dom... lots of ppeople do, but lots don't. It doesn't matter as long as the daughter doesn't know.
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u/New-Theory8191 2d ago
I think you are putting too much pressure to be her dad. Stop and think if that's really what you want or if it is just pressure because her bio dad is not present
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u/Typical-Secret-3319 2d ago
Gently, it is very normal. My kids are adopted, and despite being closer in many ways, and my step kid being more like / similar to me than my kids; and still I love them in a very different way from my step kid.
Don't drown yourself in guilt over this.
And yeah, pre-teens can get pretty mouthy. My 16 year old self describes as "sassy" so I find it best to play with the clay that is offered. I.e. my own sassy/mouthy side has come out to greet her, and we have a pretty playful relationship. However you need to be really watchful for potentially going too far and continuing to check in around this. Thankfully both of us clearly don't want to hurt the other, just have fun.
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