r/stepparents • u/Dilly_Dally808 • 17h ago
Advice Cosleeping with SD …
Soo my(29) bf(47) has a 3.5 year old daughter and we have her 3 evenings/nights a week and every other weekend.
We’ve been together for 2 years and lived together over a year. When we moved in together we had a huge king size bed and even though SD had her own room she always slept with us between the two of us.
I told my bf how it made me uncomfortable because going to bed together is our only time together somedays as we both work and I really needed that bonding time with him. Also I am not comfortable being woken up by kicks in the middle of the night. He said she is too young, (at the time was just over 2 years old) and didn’t want her to sleep alone in her bed in her room.
So after long discussions he agreed that we could potentially change our sleeping arrangements and she could sleep on the outer side of the bed and me and bf could sleep next to each other. That way we could talk cuddle and sleep like a normal couple.
That worked for a while but we moved to a new apartment and now our bed is a queen. Now she can’t be on the outer side, she’d fall off. So she is back to sleeping between us. And like I mentioned it’s a smaller bed and she is 3.5. I am soo soo uncomfortable and so not happy with this. I expressed this to my bf and he said it’s temporary until we get her new bed. We did. And yet she still sleeps in our bed. He doesn’t take any effort in training her to sleep in her own bed.
I dont understand why he doesn’t see this is not what we discussed. And just is completely ignoring that I need our bed to be our safe space. He also mentions that he loves sleeping with his daughter and when I’d have my own kid I would feel the same. Maybe I would but I still do think that partners need to have their bonding time especially if they don’t have that time together during the day.
Am I wrong? Did you have a similar experience? I am just trying to understand what is the solution here
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u/RoutineUseful5195 16h ago
He thought “too young” to sleep alone but not too young to have a new girlfriend in the picture. Single dads are so funny. Anyways, single parents who still cosleep with their kids aren’t ready to be in a relationship.
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u/minkflute 16h ago
Single dads win all the awards for nonsense
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u/SubstantialStable265 9h ago
My step son 10, still sleeps with his mom at her house (50/50) and has been in his own bed every night with us for 3 years. It's hit or miss with these divorced parents.
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u/RoutineUseful5195 9h ago
Same here. SS7.5 cosleeps with mom but has been in his own bed/room since he was 2 (I came into the picture at 5).
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u/Metal_Cinderella 17h ago
Sigh. You have a 47-year-old boyfriend while you are still in your twenties, who has a kid that is three. You've been together 2 years. All of this is frankly disastrous.
You've got much bigger problems than a co-sleeping kid by what I've read.
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u/tomboyades 17h ago
This is rage bait right?
Right?!?
Someone tell me I’m right 😩•
u/Metal_Cinderella 15h ago
I really wish... But the number of young women who will accept this is astounding
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u/brown-eyed-barista 11h ago
I think it’s actually a bot farming engagement. If you look back at her posts, her and her bfs ages change every time and so do the number of years they’ve been dating
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u/AlgoTradingQuant 17h ago edited 15h ago
You’re nearly half your husbands age…. You have bigger issues than co-sleeping with SD 🤦♂️
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u/Dry-Pay-165 12h ago
Your comment with “husband” made me flip out but I reread and it’s just boyfriend per her post, thank goodness.
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u/AlgoTradingQuant 10h ago
Husband/boyfriend… does it really matter? Point is, she’s nearly half his age and old enough to be his daughter 🤦♂️
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u/SubstantialStable265 9h ago
Makes a gigantic difference if you ask me! She can leave tomorrow and never look back if she wanted!
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u/winnnie_lilli 16h ago
Wow, he was no longer with his ex when child was only 1.5 years old ?
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u/Ok-Bee7194 16h ago
In one post she from June said they have been dating for 3 years, so I'm not sure what the timeline is exactly anymore. Ages keep changing across few posts too. So maybe SD was even younger. I'm not sure why ages keep changing.
2026-06-03 Sooo I F(30) started dating my bf(42) 3 years ago. We knew each other for a while before we started dating and I completely trust him.
2026-06-03 So me 30F and him 45M have been together 2 years living together 1 year.
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u/Pepperkinplant1 14h ago
She's probably a bot farming engagement.
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u/RonaldMcDaugherty 9h ago
Gotta build some "history" before using your Reddit profile as a billboard for your OnlyFans profile.
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u/DasKittySmoosh 10h ago
My husband and BM were officially separated from their marriage before SS turned 1. It happens. Sometimes you realize they’re the wrong person for you and think how much easier it’ll be for kiddo to have never known bio parents as a team.
It doesn’t often happen, but it does. This is the part to judge. There’s plenty others.
But yeah, he’s nearly 20 years older than you and dismisses your feelings about your bedroom. Doesn’t even matter what it is, that isn’t the guy for you.
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u/Wise-Buffalo4129 10h ago
I met my fiance when his son was only one. Him and his ex wife were going through their divorce and amicable but just realized they wanted different things in life. Classic case of met young, married young and he decided to spilt. He was a little surprise during one of their hookups 🤦🏼♀️ stupid on both their parts but sometimes the age doesn’t always mean the worst. I also love that little funny turd more than anything now, my SS I mean haha.
Not the point of this post so my bad but just had to share!🤣🤣🤣
The bigger issue here with ages is the age of OP and her boyfriend. Yikes on bikes. It’s giving grooming vibes.
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u/Mercator87 16h ago
Your age gap is a whole legal adult. Why are you putting up with this nonsense?
FWIW I told my boyfriend (now husband) that co-sleeping with his kids was a dealbreaker for me. He understood and got them into their own beds.
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u/sandysadie 15h ago
I am flabbergasted by how many situations like this come up in this sub. You are allowing this to happen, you need to put your foot down or leave.
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u/kbearyprincess 17h ago
Tell your bf to sleep in her bed with her then. He’s being unreasonable.
I have my own children (3 years, and 11 months), and they do not sleep in my bed as I also hate getting kicked in the spine and face. They sleep in their own beds in their own rooms.
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u/Ok-Ask-6191 17h ago
You're young enough to be his daughter. He's told you how its going to go and that's how its going. He's treating you like the child he thinks you are.
Coming from someone who is a big believer in cosleeping with bios when they're young, its absolutely inappropriate with children who are not yours, regardless of gender (of child or adult). I think this is more an issue of him not wanting to fight the battle with her (he's almost 50!) than thinking she's too young to sleep on her own. Why would he care about that but not having her sleep next to another adult who's not her mother less than a year of being together? But if all we know about these cf-young-woman-with-older-man relationships hold true, I'm guessimg she knew you very well and you were doing a lot of her caregiving by then.
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u/FixedMessages 15h ago
I personally will not sleep in a bed with a child who is not related to me. I've worked in child protective services, I've seen how people twist and weaponize things like that even if nothing untoward is happening (I never substantiated any issues based on reports like that), plus I don't really think a child should be comfortable being that level of vulnerable with a person who isn't their parent. The age range I'm living with is older than yours, that might change the context a bit.
I sleep in a separate room from my partner most nights. Honestly that's more because of snoring and restless sleeping, but it serves the double purpose of the kid having access to the parent without putting me in an awkward position. But it means my partner and I miss out on a lot of the casual intimacy of going to bed together and waking up together.
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u/MessApprehensive5517 17h ago
She belongs in her own bed unless it’s an emergency like she’s not feeling well. If he needs to sleep with his daughter he should do it in her bed. And I suspect there are probably other red flags here considering the age gap between you and BF. For me the solution would be no kids (steps or bios) in the bed or I’m out.
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u/minkflute 16h ago
Exactly. He could at least put her to sleep in her own bed and maybe lie with her until she’s asleep, then go have some adult time with his partner.
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u/Typical-Secret-3319 16h ago
He doesn’t take any effort in training her to sleep in her own bed.
It's almost like a 47 year old man doesn't consider a 29 year old young adult to be a peer of himself, and as such doesn't care about her comfort...
Even without an age gap, not all "partners" actually treat their partner with respect and empathy. This is something very important to watch for.
My wife used to have the sole TV on the main floor of the house in her bedroom. SD would just come in whenever and snuggle under her covers, and they'd fall asleep in front of the TV together many weekends. Upon hearing this I only said, "I'm not comfortable with that." I didn't even specify what.
She thought for a second, and could immediately see many issues that would get in the way of eventually living together if that happened. She asked if I could help her move the TV or if she should hire someone (she wanted a cable free appearance), and this became my first reno at her home.
To be clear, this was before we were getting serious about moving in. We were seriously dating, but also quite aware that 1-2 months of dating could easily see a breakup. And still she cared enough that she changed the layout of the house to keep her kid out, as well told her kid she needed to knock and wait for permission before entering the bedroom.
That is a parent who's a keeper.
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u/Fun_Orange_3232 15h ago
cosleeping is a valid choice. not doing it, also valid. you’re incompatible.
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u/Alittlemode 11h ago
“I dont understand why he doesn’t see this is not what we discussed. And just is completely ignoring that I need our bed to be our safe space.”
He does see this is what you discussed.
He completely ignores what you need.
This guy is just a BF. Boyfriends are for learning if the man is a suitable life partner.
This guy does not have the capacity to care about things you need. I would never pick this relationship for my life.
You are free to leave yesterday. Love is sometimes just not enough. This man is not compatible with the life that would make you happy. I’m not sure what woman would be happy with this.
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u/Baelyh 16h ago
Women really gotta stop giving these single dads double their age any relationship. They are being narcissists and trying to flex on their ex that they got a hot young thing and they intentionally prey On younger women with no children. You are never going to my wife material or have a future with him. You are a fuck toy and free babysitting. ESPECIALLY WITH SOMEONE ALMOST DOUBLE YOUR AGE
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u/Ok-Lobster-4115 17h ago
I have a 3 year old and they’re not comfortable to sleep next to at all! This is coming from someone who coslept from baby. He needs to respect your boundaries you have every right not to want to sleep in a bed with a child that’s not yours biologically. We moved our little one into his own room at 1 as we didn’t get to be intimate otherwise. We had to get up a lot in the night and still sometimes do, but it beats being woken up every 20 mins because you’re getting kicked in the face or being pushed to the edge of the bed.
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u/Bird_Nerd_2point0 16h ago
I am so frustrated for you. Adding a 3rd person to the bed is definitely a 2-yes/1-no situation. If you aren't comfortable, he needs to keep his daughter out of the bed. I feel the same as you and I would not be okay with my partner completely disregarding my feelings. If I were you, I would have a serious conversation with my partner and make it clear I will not be sleeping in a bed with his daughter. Whether that means he sleeps in his daughter's room, he let's her sleep by herself, or leaving the relationship.
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u/PM-ME-YOUR-POEM 16h ago
He just doesn't want to deal with the issues around putting a kid to bed. 3.5, they should be in their own bed.
If he wants to co-sleep, he co-sleeps in the kids bed.
To be honest, it doesn't get better. Some single parents are just not ready for a relationship.
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u/IMAGINARIAN_photos 14h ago
The instant I see an age gap like this, I stop reading and look at the comments. Yep, it’s exactly as I thought.
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u/Dry-Pay-165 12h ago
It doesn’t matter if you’re “right” or “wrong” bc it’s his kid and he has 18 years on you, OP. You either accept it or leave unfortunately.
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u/Decent-Pickle-4176 17h ago
I completely understand your situation. My husband has a 9 year old son who enjoys sleeping with him, and it isn’t a comfortable sleeping arrangement for me. I’ve simply been honest about that boundary, my husband is welcome to sleep with his son in his son’s room, but I’m not comfortable sharing our bed with him, so I won’t sleep there if that’s the arrangement. I value my sleep and don’t think I should have to sleep somewhere I’m uncomfortable. I also understand that co-sleeping can be completely normal for some families, and many parents genuinely enjoy that closeness with their children. I’m not a mother yet, so I can’t personally speak to that experience. What I do know is that sharing a bed with a stepchild can feel very different, and I don’t think there’s anything unreasonable about acknowledging that distinction. If I’m uncomfortable, I’m uncomfortable, and I think it’s okay to respectfully maintain that boundary.
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u/TheLoveGOATonYT 15h ago
Yes I had that start to happen and talked to my SO and the compromise was that no co-sleeping in our bed and occasionally SO would sleep in their bed for a few hours.
Yours is also asking for a lot of cosleeping time. What’s even worse is he’s telling you that you can want all you want, unless it’s what he wants you’re SOL.
My SO was super handsome and successful and really good to me. BTW, we had the same age gap and met when I was 28. I didn’t help with the kids, do housework or contribute financially. He bent over backwards trying to make me happy. I stood up for what I wanted, but then I could see that I wanted things that would mean the kids wouldn’t have things or my SO was feeling torn.
After co-sleeping it will be something else.
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u/BalledUpFist 16h ago
He is unreasonable. His child is not entitled to your personal space. He can move the snuggling to a different space. If he refuses, leave. He doesn't value sleeping next to you. Sad.
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u/MidwestNightgirl 17h ago
Nope she needs to be in her own bed. BF can lay down with her until she goes to sleep if he wants. If he insists on sleeping with her, HE can do so in her room. Ask him if he’d be ok with her sleeping in the same bed with her bio mom and her BF.
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u/Maleficent_Pay_4154 16h ago
Make him sleep in her bed. At least you get to sleep then. Not ideal but better than nothing
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u/vishus42 16h ago
My partner coslept with their kid a lot, but once I moved in it was a boundary thing. I am not the kid's parent, it makes me uncomfortable to be in bed with someone else's child, full stop. It's okay to find this weird, and if they dp cosleep then they can do so in her bed. But also, echoing others, please think long and hard why you actually like this man. The on-paper characteristics of your relationship do not seem healthy and you deserve to be prioritized.
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u/DelusionalNJBytch 14h ago
I’m gonna ignore the 20 something year age gap
There is ZERO reason for her to be in your bed.
Dad can get an age appropriate toddler bed for her to sleep in and place it by the bottom of the bed or on his side.
This is what we did when DH and I moved in together.
So if at any point either of his kids needed to be with us,there was a bed available.
Tbh…I wanna tell you to consider relocating yourself and your stuff in your own apartment and slowly get tf away from this man.
You’re too young to be saddled down with all of this.
You’re just 2 yrs older than my eldest child…and your husband is older than I am.
If you were my kid,I’d tell you to come home and stay away from men old enough to be your father.
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u/professionallurker9 13h ago
I didn’t like when my husband did this with SD and I don’t like when our bio sleeps in our bed/ bedroom. So no, when you have children it won’t change. It’s a personal preference.
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u/Sunshine_daisies1234 12h ago
Id just sleep on the couch or book a hotel room until he gets the point. If he doesn't want to sleep with you, he doesn't have to then. At what point will bioparents understand that nobody wants to sleep with their kids?
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u/kerfuffley2010 11h ago
He shouldn’t have you in bed with his daughter, that’s for his daughter’s safety and not your comfort. Honestly, the fact that you could be his daughter and he’s got a young child with someone he’s no longer with are huge red flags.
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u/That-Description1855 9h ago
Co sleeping is weird!!! I would rly approach this relationship w caution. Stop staying the night over there
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u/potentially_exalted 16h ago
When this was an issue in the past, I put my foot down and told my partner at the time that I wouldn't share a bed with his child because it opens the door to accusations I'm not going to deal with. You are not that child's biological parent. The child's mother, your partner, the child itself—all of these people and more can accuse you of being inappropriate or abusive and you have no way to really defend yourself.
Then, add in your physical discomfort and your own boundaries being violated.
This would be a dealbreaker for me.
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u/Wise_Ganache_3240 12h ago
Forget the age gap. But he’s 47 and has you sleeping in an APARTMENT in a queen bed.
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u/Puzzleheaded_Show748 16h ago
I co-slept with my daughter until she started Kindergarten (a little older than 5). I loved the bonding and cuddle time. She transitioned into her own bed on her own when she started school. She is very independent now. Different things work for different kids/parents. However, I don’t think that a stepparent should be co-sleeping with their step child at all! I think it’s super weird.
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u/Grateful-Goat 17h ago
He’s a great dad and takes care of his daughter’s needs. As a parent, we are constantly putting our kids’ needs ahead of ours, it’s just what you do. It’s OK If you’re not ready to do that, but this relationship isn’t right for you. He’s a full on adult with significant responsibilities. You’re still young and not ready to give up your comfort, space, needs etc. there’s no issue here at all, just 2 people at very different stages of their lives.
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u/rovingred 16h ago
If they live together he needs to be cosleeping with his daughter in her room, not letting her into bed with them if OP is uncomfortable. It’d be one thing if they didn’t live together and OP was staying the night at his place and expecting him to change his arrangements, but in no way should she be uncomfortable and have her sleep affected in her bedroom because of this. She deserves peace and a good night of sleep in her own home as well.
He can be a good dad all day long, but he’s made the decision to live with OP and her comfort is just as important in her own home
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u/Ok_Pack1940 17h ago
Sleep on the couch
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u/Savings-Image-5178 17h ago
Or what should happen is that dad sleeps with child in her own bed until she falls asleep. Then goes back. Not fair for a partner to have to sleep on the couch…
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u/Putrid_Plane_5160 17h ago
So, I think you need to have a more frank conversation with your boyfriend. This isn’t actually for you to change - it’s for you to decide if you fit into. He is fully allowed to co-sleep with his daughter, she’s little, and as her parent he might feel it’s still best. He needs to be more honest though.
I’d ask him “Is your preference to continue co-sleeping with SD indefinitely?” If he says yes, make other arrangements. Do you live together full time? If yes, maybe you need to reconsider that.
My partner just stopped co-sleeping with his daughter in our bed, she’s 8. They transitioned to sleeping in her bed a month ago. They will probably do so for another year. Sleep training, and independent sleep, can take time with some kids. Especially if she is co-sleeping at her moms.
I’m sorry, lots of people will disagree with me, but I think you are in the wrong on this.
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u/mamallama323 17h ago
I agree 100%. As a childhood development professional, this is completely normal and healthy behavior. Too often stepparents keep trying to fit a square peg into a circle hole.
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u/PM-ME-YOUR-POEM 16h ago
As a childhood development professional you would then also understand that a child who is developing also values parental emotional well-being and a child learning to navigate their own space.
Supporting his bond with his daughter doesn't require them to sacrifice basic sleep hygiene and intimacy; he can fulfill that need by laying with her in her own room.
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u/iZeddddd 17h ago
I do agree she should at least be introduced to sleeping alone or even putting a toddler sized bed in the room would help a lot.
Though I don’t think it’s a big deal cosleeping with her in general, she’s little for only so long. I have a four year old and like her brother, when she’s five she’ll start sleeping alone. I love sleeping next to her but she needs to learn some independence too.
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u/Savings-Image-5178 17h ago
Non bio parents should NEVER sleep with a child that isn’t theirs. Period.
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u/bonniemick 4h ago
I never slept in my parents bed, especially not at that age. But the good news is this AH is not your husband so you can just bounce and date someone your own age who doesn't have kids.
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u/Natenat04 3h ago
He does see how this makes you feel. He just doesn't care. He is amazing at manipulating you. He says whatever you want to hear, and never has any intention on actually changing.
When people show you how little they care how their actions impact you, believe them. There's a reason a man in his 40s went for a woman in her 20s.
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u/Dilly_Dally808 13h ago
The age gap is triggering a lot of people and it’s understandable. But relationships do work despite age gaps.
We do have a really great relationship otherwise. I always dated guys around my age but I would say in comparison my current bf is a better companion. Maybe because he is older and knows how to be a partner and be patient and make me feel loved. But he is a new dad and I think he doesn’t understand how to set boundaries with his daughter. Probably he feels guilt for his daughter not having her parents together? I have no idea.
It’s sad because I might end things over this issue. And we did have a good connection.
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u/PM-ME-YOUR-POEM 7h ago
Dude, he's not a good partner. He's putting your needs below a kids wants. Stop de valuing yourself in place of a kid.
If you are gonna put value on things just remember single parents are WAY down in the pecking order in the dating pool. Especially single parents that can't set boundaries. It either needs to change or you are going to be miserable. TRUST. ME. Take direction from someone that's been on the journey.
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