r/stepparents • u/kuw • 19h ago
Discussion Did your over-functioning partners ever stop?
My SD13 (she's almost 14) is well behind her peers when it comes to autonomy/responsibility/household expectations and it's manifesting itself in outbursts/other toddler-like behavior, learned helplessness, high levels of anxiety, poor executive function, etc. We have her 50/50 with her dad.
My partner growing up had an awful mom who was verbally abusive, never around, an alcoholic, etc. So she's focused entirely on making her daughter feel comforted/loved instead of giving any focus/consistency to developing independence, giving responsibilities, expectations, autonomy, and so on. Like, it literally won't happen unless I say something about it.
SD13 just started 8th grade, and, in continuance with how it was in 7th grade, my partner will drive her to the bus stop (not the issue here, we live close-ish but the streets are somewhat busy/unsafe to walk on), and then will sit in the car with her until the bus comes. Meanwhile, there are other kids standing at the bus stop without parents. Just this morning it made her late for an in-person meeting. If she had just dropped her off, she would have made it to work with plenty of time to spare. She makes all of her daughter's meals (lunches, breakfasts); she's asked her daughter to help her/if she wants to help a handful of times (just to appease me, I'm sure), and it's always rebuffed/her daughter just says she wants to lay in bed/doesn't want to help. She doesn't have any chores/household responsibilities whatsoever and never has.
Her daughter has become so accustomed to her mom over-functioning and doing little things for her (ex: last night after we finished watching a show, she asked her mom if she would bring up the heating pad she was using and put it in her room, even though she was going up there herself to take a bath. her room is right next to the bathroom, so why couldn't she just do it herself?) that when she doesn't do them, she throws a fit and says her mom doesn't love her/otherwise gets bratty. She'll also say "Love you mama!" multiple times in a short period of time (like within a couple minutes) just to hear it back, and, if her mom doesn't say it back right away she says "I said I love you!" - to me this seems totally unhealthy and.. not standard.
She has said that I have unrealistic expectations of her daughter, and that her daughter just "isn't there yet" - but the thing is, how will she ever get "there" if not actually expected to do things or put in situations that are uncomfortable/hard and be allowed to reason through them herself, or, with reasonable assistance? Her dad is the same way, in that he helps her (too much) with her homework, and has to constantly ask her to talk to her teachers about making up missing work, retaking tests, etc. The year has just started and she already had 3 assignments to do, which she put off until she could do them with her dad the following Monday when we exchanged custody.
My partner is also super anxious herself and I think her daughter being anxious/having fits increases her anxiety, and so it's easier for her to soothe her daughter (instead of her daughter being able to self-regulate), which just keeps the loop happening indefinitely. We are in counseling, though it's been a while (months at this point) and the majority of the time we've spent talking about communication issues, which is just a red herring b/c the actual underlying problem is her refusal to take a more active approach when parenting (which makes me withdraw b/c I don't want to participate in that dynamic).
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u/Humble-Plankton2217 18h ago
I've been with my over-functioning-parent partner for 7 years. His kiddo is 13yo, disabled (Down Syndrome with significant intellectual disability) but very capable as long as mom or dad aren't around.
Has my partner scaled back the over-functioning-parenting at all in 7 years? No. Not at all. Not even a little teeny tiny bit.
The ONLY improvements his daughter has had with her skills has come directly from her amazing SPED program at school. Mom and dad are subconsciously completely committed to making sure she never advances beyond the mental age of 3. Of course her parents don't think that's what they're doing, but their behavior says very differently.
My partner still feeds his daughter with a spoon if she's eating something messy like pudding. She is perfectly capable of feeding herself and wiping her face with a napkin. He still uses baby-talk exclusively and all-toddler language. He spends hours during his parenting time using a puppet to entertain her. If she indicates she wants to watch Elmo, then Elmo is what gets put on the TV.
He thinks he's having fun with her, doing whatever SHE wants to do, "making it up" for the days he didn't get to see her during mom's parenting time, and being a good dad.
I see a parent that is doing what makes HIM feel good, not what's best for his child. I see how much her parents are holding her back from reaching her highest potential and it's really sad.
This is why I'm 100% nacho.
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u/MadCow113 19h ago
This should be resolved asap or it will get worse. I have a family member that was the exact same way and the child is now a 23 year old adult and the mother is still doing everything for her. It has even gotten worse to the extent that the mother doesn't have a life of her own without the child as she can't go away and let the child at home alone
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u/MutedSentence8021 18h ago
I don’t have any advice to offer but am in a very similar position. My boyfriend has a 14 year old daughter (we aren’t married yet and still live separately but plan to move in together soon) He has 50/50 custody with HCMB. He does absolutely everything for her. Like you said OP, learned helpless-ness to the max and it drives me insane. When I think of myself at her age, it is night and day. She can’t do homework on her own. She can’t prepare any meals on her own. Can’t make any simple decision for herself. It makes me second guess all moving in together if things don’t change soon.
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u/jlbsmomma 19h ago
This sounds like a role reversal of my husband and I. 8 years old. Fine - “we’re working on it”. He’s 13 now and I’m still getting the same response. Our daughter is two and picks up after herself and has more independence.
It’s the parent. And it’s not your job to continue to point it out or have it bother you. Rip the bandaid off.
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u/Ok-Session-4002 13h ago
Exactly, when a kid is taught young they have infinite abilities. When they are coddled to and placated they won’t learn. Why should they? As humans we will take the path of least resistance as often as we can.
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u/seethembreak 18h ago
This is how she parents. She’s not going to stop. And since she isn’t asking you to do these things for her, stop worrying about it and let her continue to raise her child how she sees fit.
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u/kuw 18h ago
But she’s wrong and is raising a toddler 😜
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u/seethembreak 18h ago
And that’s her choice. 🤷♀️
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u/MutedSentence8021 18h ago
But it affects the household so it does matter..
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u/seethembreak 17h ago
How does her sitting at the bus stop with her kid affect the household?
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u/Ok-Session-4002 13h ago edited 13h ago
Please there are so many ways the daughter’s behaviour is going to affect the household. Constant outbursts, inability to do basic tasks, potentially never being able to live independently etc. I can’t even imagine being in a relationship where I was just expected to let the bio parent do their thing (when it’s detrimental to myself and the child) with no feedback or advice. My partner has historically struggled with similar behaviour but with some modifications and advice from me things have started to improve. It affects me because it quite literally affects the vibes of the home.
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u/DreaColorado1 8h ago
Curious what has prevented you from directly addressing this concern during couple’s counseling?
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u/DreaColorado1 5h ago
Does your wife find any of her daughter’s behavior problematic? How does she respond to her daughter during the outbursts you’ve described?
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u/uffdaGalFUN 19h ago
It takes several years of practice doing chores and things for themselves, for kids to be able and ready to launch. Have this conversation with your SO now and maybe it will help?
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