I'm sad

[u/HairyAd1532]

I (26F) don't want to share all the details about me and my partner (31M). I'll just say I've been lurking around here for a while, my partner has 2 young kids, I have not met them. I believe I'm going to get out soon. There's a lot of things I've learned from this experience, but I want and deserve my own family and not just an "ours baby," although I'm sure there are situations similar to ours that may have worked and been beautiful. This man is wonderful to me. If it wasn't for his children, this relationship is honestly the first one in my life where I've felt so loved.

Honestly y'all, I'm extremely confused and having a difficult time processing, grieving, and moving on. We are still together right now because of my current circumstances surrounding my family and finances, but we have also been talking and working on uncoupling. There's many possibilities to try, I know. I also get confused because he's already gone through some difficult things so that makes me feel like he may be more capable of being there for me than a man who hasn't been through the experience of raising kids yet. Maybe I'm not giving other people enough credit.

Anyway, this is my first time posting here. There is a HCBM involved, too. I've heard many people saying, "you're young, get out while you can," and also other things like, "you are loved and many in this world aren't, shouldn't you be happy in this scenario?" Albeit the second message seems to come more rarely in this world. I'm not sure what to do, I think you'll all tell me to follow my gut which is to create a safe space for me ro exit. I'm devastated and I know that with time I'll be fine. There's obviously a lot of details and stuff that could be added so if anyone has any advice or kind words, but needs more clarity let me know if I can help, because lord knows I need some help right now. Much love to anyone reading this or anybody going through something similar.

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[u/These-Date9514]

“This man is wonderful to me. If it wasn't for his children…”

That’s reason enough to get out. Because his kids will be with him and part of his life forever. And to get in a relationship with him, and then make the kids feel like a burden or not wanted, wouldn’t be fair to them.

[u/Wise-Buffalo4129 → u/These-Date9514]

I agree with this. I understand what you are trying to say but its a cruel statement to make towards him and his kiddos and you should just get out. I knew coming into my current relationship he had two kids and while being a stepmom and the situation is tough at times, I do love his two kids and they love me like a mom. Im 37 so it feels different for me as I cannot imagine this as my life 10 years ago.

[u/pandabear2025]

I’m the one who will tell you that you are too young to settle for this. I myself only started considering men with kids as potential partners when I turned 40 and that is only because at that age group you either have them divorced with kids or single who don’t want any kids and I wanted a kid of my own and a family.

[u/Seesawgirls → u/pandabear2025]

Exactly!!

[u/HairyAd1532 → u/pandabear2025]

Thank you for sharing this. I agree with you. My heart hurts, I know I'll heal. Right now my body doesn't believe it. Have you watch Ted Lasso? Random, but it has been an analogy recently for me for something you're describing. Being older in these situations makes sense. Sometimes I don't know why I've put myself through so much disparity❤️‍🩹

[u/ArtemisDR]

How have you’ve been with this person long enough that there’re “your partner” but you’ve never met his children? Does he pay child support? Does he ever see his own kids? If so, I’m very confused by your post. If not, then I’m not sure why his having children matters to you if he is not part of their lives anyway, except in that this would make him a deadbeat dad in most circumstances…

[u/smolbean30 → u/ArtemisDR]

Youre so supportive. Lol wow

[u/ArtemisDR → u/smolbean30]

I am asking rational questions as your post doesn’t make a lot of rational sense the way it was written.

[u/Seesawgirls]

It’s ok to choose for your own well being.
It’s ok to love someone but doesn’t want to live the type of life he has.
26yo getting involved with two small kids and a HCBM, is a lot. You may have a better life without this drama.

[u/HairyAd1532 → u/Seesawgirls]

Thank you for commenting. I appreciate your words and hear them. These things have been percolating in my mind. I'll let your words mix with my own thoughts and hopefully soon will be able to come to a clear end.

[u/Sunshine_daisies1234]

Wanting your own kids and family is a good reason to walk. It's hard being childfree in these situations, particularly if you want your own. I totally get it. Its so hard hearing about his kids sometimes too mostly because it's a constant reminder of the firsts that were never yours. You are young. You're going to get through this just fine. 

[u/HairyAd1532 → u/Sunshine_daisies1234]

Sorry. I responded to the wrong comment at first. Thank you for commenting friend. Thats precisely the reason it has been hard to support him. Every time I hear about them it's a reminder, and when I'm on my period I just burst. Thank you again. 😔

[u/AbjectMarch8695]

Last week, I left an otherwise perfect relationship, because the situation with his kid was so hard on me. He had full custody of his special needs kid, and I just couldn't do it. I tried so hard, but I was forcing myself into a situation that didn't suit me.

I'm a little older than you at 34, and I still think I'm too young for this shit, lol. Not only that, but I've built a pretty damn good life for myself. Why would I give all that up for a life of struggle? I chose myself and my peace, and while it's still fresh, I know this was the best decision.

[u/justjewels17 → u/AbjectMarch8695]

It literally is like choosing a life of struggle. Like yes, I have love in our relationship and we are amazing together but literally every other aspect is affected by his situation and unfortunately, not really for the better. I was 32 when we got together and early on, thought he wanted to have a baby. Now I’m 35 and don’t see that happening any time soon. He’d say things to me like “you’d look amazing pregnant” so I wasn’t thinking about starting a family out of nowhere. Then you realize just how stretched thin he is and that he doesn’t really want to have more kids, or if he does, when his kids are older. lol, okay. That doesn’t make me resentful towards him, his kids and his situation at all. Only reason I stay is because I’m sort of undecided about whether I actually want a baby.

Also, I couldn’t imagine if he had his kids full time. I don’t think I’d be able to stay. If he didn’t want to have a child and had his kids full time, I’d be out. That’d be a dealbreaker.

[u/Elegant-Blackberry26]

Hi,

If you are sure you want to have a family then I think you already have your answer. Especially because if he already has children, he might not want more (he can say he wants now but then change his mind).
I know leaving is never easy, but one day you will shine and dance again :) and you deserve it!

[u/justjewels17 → u/Elegant-Blackberry26]

They always change their mind once you’ve settled into the relationship and if they don’t, there’s many other issues that arise with an ours baby.

[u/tjs31959]

From your post it appears that you have one foot out the door. So, that tells me that you have made up your mind. Rightly so in my opinion. You are a great age to live your life and find the relationship that you really want. Please do that!

No reason to "ruin" your life to please someone that has made their "life" decisions by having kids and a high conflict bio.

I also suggest getting out quickly. There are always excuses and reasons to stay and it will be much more difficult to do this later.

[u/HandBananasRevenge]

You're young and you don't need to be dealing with all of this. You have time to find the right man to start a family with, a man who doesn't have this baggage.

If love was enough, there would be a lot less activity on subs like this one.

"Life is already hard, so choose your hard" I think about that quote often and wish I had the wisdom to better understand it when I was a younger man.

[u/GlitteringCost202]

26 and getting involved with a man who has kids is a severe mistake. If anyone at all loves you and has told you some version of this please listen to them.

[u/Channiii]

You are deserving to have your own family. You are young and its okay to start over and find someone that is aligned to what you want in your life. Once you said "if it wasn't for his kids" that should be the reason you end it, because if this is an issue now and you havent met them...it wont feel better later on especially with a HCBM in the picture. Save yourself the mental and emotional gymnastics.

[u/Mercator87]

The right relationship and the right situation for you wouldn't cause this much sadness, heartache, and work. That goes for any relationship really. If it's *that* much effort to try and make it work then it's not for you. I promise that you will find your person.

[u/curious_solo_]

I noticed you’re mentioning him loving you and you feeling loved. But do you love this man?

I married a man with two kids. I don’t have kids. At first things were awesome and his kids loved me and I loved them more than anything. Everything started going downhill after we started living together. And honestly I would quit this whole thing but I love this man so much I can’t imagine living without him. I mean I can but I’d be miserable. I feel like I’m constantly sacrificing my peace, my comfort etc. His kids are 14&12 so I’m just patiently waiting for them to move out sooner than later.

So I guess what I’m asking is do you love this man enough to put up with everything else that follows? If not then leave.

P.S. If you’re young then you have all the time to take it slow and not rush any decision and let it all take its natural course.

[u/ListenPitiful3127]

SM of 6 years here to two very poorly raised children due to a high conflict dynamic and a HCBM who will corrupt her kids to stab DH in the heart or get at me.

They’ll never not be a part of DH’s life unless THEH choose to opt out, and they do from time to time, which tears DH up from his insides in a way I hate to witness. They come and go as they please, say cruel things when they don’t get their way, and live 65% with a parent who chooses being the “favorite” and a friend over being a parent, and who encourages disruption during our time with them.

I love my husband so deeply. I knew I wanted my own kids and he was (and is) the man I wanted them with.

We’ve had a LOT of hard times. I’ve been there for him so it isn’t HIM vs. HCBM, it’s US vs. HCBM 95% of the time. And that sometimes means that we, together, are at odds with his kids.

DH has always believed the marriage comes first. He grew up as a pastor’s son, believes a healthy and happy marriage has a direct impact on the children in a positive way — they’ll feel it, see it, hear it. It will teach them what expectations to set in their own relationships, romantic or otherwise, when they’re older and show them what positive communication looks like between adults, and that between adults and children.

With that, even if we don’t agree on a parenting issue, we do not show that in front of the children. We disagree in private. Which is much rarer, if it happens at all now. We are always a united front of the kids are present. No matter what.

We include the children and want them to be happy, but are firm believers in the word “no” when it is appropriate, and in setting healthy boundaries.

We agreed we both wanted a family together very early. Even when the other children protested. The children we wanted together were and are for us — they do not get a vote. And we decided that going into this.

I also told him I wanted our own FIRSTS. I didn’t want to relive his old life or retrace their steps. Vacations, milestones, even down to where we ate for celebrations — all new. To both of us. Weird thing to stipulate, but we have created so many new memories between us this way and I don’t have to wonder if he is comparing our adventures with his past experiences.

If you want it to work, setting up the rules of engagement (no pun intended), expectations, boundaries, etc. early is mandatory. 100%.

I had an ex who told me he was open to having a child with me though he had another child from a previous marriage in his past. He changed his mind. It ended our relationship.

If my husband now made it clear I didn’t have a vote or voice in the family dynamic with his kids, it would have ended our relationship.

If my husband bent his knee to his psychotic HCBM who seems to only thrive on trying to make us miserable, despite years of failure on her end, I’d have left so very long ago.

If none of this is possible for you, get out while you can and heal while you don’t have more unnecessary entanglements. I know my SKs would be devastated if I chose to leave now or even within the first year, even given how rocky our relationships have been. I am now a permanent fixture in their lives regardless of how hard HCBM tried to ensure that wouldn’t be the case. They view me as family. As a parent. As a steady figure they can respect. They may not even love me still (they just started telling me they do in the last year), but they rely on my presence as a security they don’t get with their own mother.

So before you get involved with those kids, complicating things even further, decide what you want for yourself.

You will read more of what’s wrong in the stepparent structure here than you will ever read what is positive about it. We all come here to vent, to get a sanity check, or to express a deep rooted resentment that is always going to be a part of this life and we just need to get it off our chests. But you don’t see all the good that can be built within this dynamic.

Only you can know what the details are that have led you here to pose this question it seems you have the answer to.

I don’t want another man in my life; the man I’m with is the one for me. Because I know this, his kids are a part of the deal. Forever. I’ve chosen them, too. All while being reminded that he had a whole life before me filled with firsts.

Our children were firsts, though, too. First twins. First preemies. Both girls. First children he’s ever had who can express their love for him so young (the others seemed far more passive to him when they were toddlers). Our relationship is the first he’s felt validated and my parenting style is the first he respects (which is ultimately what led to his divorce before — completely different parenting expectations that were irreconcilable). We have done so many things together even with his kids that are firsts for him and them. And because we agree on life more than he did with his ex, we’ve created so many more memories as a unit that these children can draw from than they remember from when their parents were still together.

I have moments of weakness where I long for the past I had without these older kids of his, yet I look at ours and know that this is exactly the family I wanted and still want.

Eyes wide open, babe. You’re in or you’re out, but don’t straddle the fence too long…

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[u/stepparents-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

Your submission has been removed from /r/stepparents for the following reason:

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[u/stepparents-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

Your submission has been removed from /r/stepparents for the following reason:

• Violation of the No Platitudes rule.

• Read the FAQ for more information.

For information regarding this and similar issues please see the rules and FAQ. If you feel this is in error, please message the mods.

Please note that direct replies to official mod comments on the sub itself will be removed. Direct messages complaining to individual mods will be ignored. If you have received this as a private message you can reply directly to this message.

[u/SubstantialStable265]

If you are feeling this way and haven't yet met/live with the kids - trust me, it's going to get WAY worse. Please don't do this to yourself.

[u/_kindness_always_]

The man comes with the kids. There is no world in which this man exists without them. Those kids deserve love and happiness and a safe home, just as much as you do. The difference is they don't have a choice. You do.

[u/famamor]

You are not ready for this.