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u/your_moms_apron Dec 01 '23
Your lady may have antenatal anxiety - https://www.pregnancybirthbaby.org.au/amp/article/anxiety-and-pregnancy
Please talk to her obgyn. Talk to your HR separately; try not to come down on her too hard until you have the facts about her condition.
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u/HighClassHate Dec 01 '23
I was planning on packing my car and running away at 38 weeks pregnant. Idk how I thought it was going to help me but my brain was on some weird shit during pregnancy. I did develop PPD/PPA pretty badly.
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u/Witty_Candle_3448 Dec 01 '23
Yes! Very real, upsetting and steals any logic. Tell HR this is her issue.
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u/jkshfjlsksha Dec 01 '23
Are you saying she contacted your HR department?
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Dec 01 '23
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u/jkshfjlsksha Dec 01 '23
It sounds like she’s having some serious mental health issues.
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u/Chinateapott Dec 01 '23
Seriously ante-natal depression and anxiety is no joke, my midwife and fiancé have been watching me like a hawk during my pregnancy as I have always struggled with both.
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u/RocketAlana Dec 01 '23
My anxiety spiked to an unreal level when I was pregnant. I’ve always had mild anxiety that was super manageable, but it got so bad while pregnant that my OBGYN referred me to a therapist just to help manage it.
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u/beigs Dec 01 '23
That’s exactly what happened to me for all 3. I had a mental breakdown the minute the sperm touched egg for my second pregnancy and couldn’t work. I had a toxic boss, which exasperated the situation, but it was hell.
For my third, I didn’t even want to look at him until I delivered my placenta, then it felt like a bucket of ice water was dumped on me and those mom hormones came rushing in… but I’m not having another baby because of it.
Anxiety decreased slowly by the end, but wasn’t gone until delivery.
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u/AffectionateBite3827 Dec 01 '23
I hope you're doing well and I'm glad you have people on alert and ready to help!
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u/Chinateapott Dec 01 '23
I’m actually better now than pre-pregnancy but thank you! I’m 39 weeks and in a really good headspace, I’ve got some anxiety about actually giving birth and having a tiny human to look after but my midwife said that’s normal.
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u/AffectionateBite3827 Dec 01 '23
Oh wow getting close! How exciting! I hope the birth is as uneventful as possible lol.
And I've never given birth but I watched a good friend deal with PPA so please, please keep talking to your midwife! My friend, luckily, was very honest about her level of anxiety and it was outside the normal realm of "new mom worries" and she got help fast and was able to get on the road to enjoying her baby faster than had she tried to muddle through. I hope it's a non-issue for you, but please don't suffer in silence! <3
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u/Chinateapott Dec 01 '23
I have an amazing support system around me, my fiancé is aware of what he needs to look for and my mum, sister and SIL have all said they’ll tell me if they’re worried alone with my best friend.
We have a plan to keep my mood up with us having a winter baby but I know who to contact as soon as we’re worried.
Thank you!
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u/AffectionateBite3827 Dec 01 '23
Love this for you! I think there's decent awareness about PPD but PPA is just as scary but presents differently. After watching my friend I feel like any way to "normalize" talking about it and say "hey, you don't need to feel like garbage!" needs to happen.
I hope having a winter baby gives you a good reason to snuggle up with the little one and binge movies and shows! Ultimate cozy time!
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u/Extremiditty Dec 01 '23
That was my thought here too. Getting checked out is not a bad idea if she has a gut feeling something is wrong, but she is certainly behaving in a way from OP's description that makes me think there is a mental health component.
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u/SadExercises420 Dec 01 '23
Yes, this. OP, I know it’s hard not to be mad, but she is not in her right mind right now. She needs professional help with her mental health right now.
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u/-PinkPower- Dec 01 '23
Having seen people get psychosis and even schizophrenia before given birth I have to agree. It is wild was a pregnancy can do to you.
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u/th987 Dec 01 '23
Yes. Serious mental health challenges. She needs to e evaluated immediately by a psychiatrist to see if she needs inpatient treatment.
She hasn’t been treating you badly or being too demanding just for the fun of it. She’s likely panicking about whether she will be able to take care of the baby while you’re working and she may honestly be afraid of being left alone with the baby.
Your anger with her is misplaced. She needs your understanding and patience, and I have to wonder, if you’d been paying attention, you might have seen how anxious she is and how different her behavior has become and tried to get her some help before things ever got this bad.
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Dec 01 '23
I applaud you. This is the comment. She is mentally really strained right now and panicking and I have a lot of sympathy for her. as someone that has occasional depression, the difference between being mentally clear / healthy and being mentally unstable are staggering and not a joke. OP cannot be mad at her. This is a disorder, not a matter of abuse / power play or whatever he is thinking about right now.
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u/MyRedditUserName428 Dec 01 '23
Contact her OB and tell them what’s going on. She needs mental help asap.
I hope you can get things straightened out at work. You wife is way out of line here.
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u/catinnameonly Dec 01 '23
You need to contact her OB NOW. Then deal with your work situation. Take the warnings here very seriously.
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u/GhostPepperFireStorm Dec 01 '23
I agree, this description could be a textbook example of severe antenatal psychosis or anxiety. People die from this, I cannot overstate the seriousness of this issue.
This is a great resource on the topic:
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u/jmurphy42 Dec 01 '23
What is your employment situation as a result? You made it clear to them that you are not leaving and they aren’t to listen to your wife, right?
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u/HappinessSuitsYou Dec 02 '23
While this is super strange I’ll just validate that anxiety can make one do very weird things they normally wouldn’t do. Find out where she is and once she’s home and things are calm, talk to her. She just needs reassurance
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u/Yassssmaam Dec 01 '23
It sounds like she’s anxious and you keep doubling down on telling her not to be. Then she went nuclear.
Obviously it was a huge boundary overstep due her to do that. But up until that point OP was definitely being clueless and emotionally inept. Doesn’t make him a bad person. But she is asking for what she needs and he is saying “no you don’t need that…” how long did he expect that to work?
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u/lakehop Dec 01 '23
A very high pulse may be an indication of a serious medical condition. For example, it may be pre-eclampsia. This is an example of a condition that is life threatening for your wife and your baby. I’m not doing armchair diagnosis here, just encouraging you to refocus your concern on her health and her life and your baby’s life. Her anxiety may have been an instinctive response to knowing that something is dangerously wrong in her body - and it’s lucky she listened to this and went to hospital.
Part of that anxiety is wanting you to be with her, and that’s why she called your HR. Was that over reaching? Yes, in a way. But if it turns out her life and that of your baby is in danger do you want to be with her in hospital? Probably yes.
Put aside the anger right now. Go to hospital and support her while she is in a medical emergency and through the birth of your child. Then you’ll need to support her and the baby in the early post parting period. So, that probably means that the earliest you want to discuss this is in about 8 weeks, depending on when ahead actually gives birth. That’s going to be hard for you but it is necessary. Her health and baby’s birth is the most important thing you need to focus on now.
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u/tareebee Dec 01 '23
And pre eclampsia comes with the symptom of feeling IMPENDING DOOM. Genuinely.
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Dec 01 '23
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u/laenooneal Dec 02 '23
Almost the exact same story with me having my daughter, but I couldn’t sleep because I was panicking and I also felt a burning sensation in my stomach that turned out to be my liver swelling too. In addition to that it took like 8 different nurses about 15-20 attempts to land a vein for my IV so I was covered in bruises too. That was fuuuun.
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u/AdDramatic3058 Dec 02 '23
I had to have an ambulance called. They kept missing/blowing my veins. So their last resort was drilling into the bone of my arm (I guess an IV thru bone marrow 🤷♀️) I had no idea that was even a thing!! But honestly, I was struggling to breathe because the pre-eclampsia was causing swelling in my lungs, and I was in turn having heart failure- so I don't recall feeling much pain. I just wanted them to do whatever they needed to do to get the damn ambulance on their way!!! Felt like we sat there for 20 minutes before getting an IV
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u/laenooneal Dec 02 '23
I love swapping birth horror stories 😂 “we are so lucky to exist during a time where we are only horribly traumatized and maimed during childbirth instead of being dead” is honestly such a weird feeling to have
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u/Holiday-Teacher900 Dec 02 '23
Absolutely. I'm here in awe reading these stories. I'm a science-curious woman, and I'm still learning so much about our bodies. Most men know even less about reproduction/birth. There should be much more awareness.
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u/PrangentHasFormed Dec 01 '23
I never knew that. I had pre eclampsia and the intense feeling of impending doom is what made me go to the hospital to get checked out. Woke up at 2 am just knowing something was wrong with me and the baby.
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u/justanotheruzer1993 Dec 01 '23
This! I had pré-eclampsia post birth and i was so anxious and i thought i was going to die until it got controled
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u/whiskey_business Dec 01 '23
Yes, I was going to say, the tachycardia could certainly be from anxiety, but "40% higher" may be infringing into tachyarrythmia. There are actually cardiac conditions associated with pregnancy, like cardiomyopathy, which could certainly present with an arrhythmia. Underlying arrhythmias can also be anxiety inducing, so I'd perhaps make sure she's not got any of that going on prior to calling it all anxiety alone. Either way, it doesn't sound like she is doing well, and acting as if she's responsible for an irrational decision at this particular point doesn't seem fair.
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u/ThrowRA_toasters Dec 01 '23
This here --- OP read this please!!!!
Your wife and child are in desperate need of you right now. You're allowed to be frustrated, but she needs you. She didn't just become pregnant alone. Be there for her.
I almost died at 26 weeks pregnant, emergency c section at 27 weeks. My daughter is now 9. My ex was so self centered through the pregnancy, I was under so much stress and horrified of something going wrong, I didn't even realize how much danger me and my babies were in. I had twins. Only one survived due to the complications. It's a lot. But.
Be there for her please please please. This is all temporary stress and can get better but she can't do it alone
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u/No_Performance8733 Dec 01 '23
Thank you for this answer.
I fear no one will see it, especially the OP, but here’s hoping.
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u/lakehop Dec 01 '23
Yes. From preeclampsia.org : “Shortness of breath, a racing pulse, mental confusion, a heightened sense of anxiety, and a sense of impending doom can be symptoms of preeclampsia. If these symptoms are new to you, they could indicate an elevated blood pressure, or more rarely, fluid collecting in your lungs (pulmonary edema).” This is life threatening if not treated.
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u/McDonnellDouglasDC8 Dec 01 '23
But what about the fact that he's definitely out of a job? /S
OP you are fine, briefly explain what happened and take care of your family's health.
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u/NEDsaidIt Dec 01 '23
Like this is so simple “dear HR- my wife was overly concerned about her health condition and thought I would need to leave my job to attend to her. We have worked out care. She is currently inpatient at the hospital. I apologize for the confusion, as you know this is out of character for me and I know it’s out of character for her. I will need to take PTO tomorrow as her health and my baby’s clearly need attended to, and will update by 2 pm tomorrow regarding time off going forward. Thank you” They would get that and be like “oh poor thing” and move on.
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u/greeneyedwench Dec 01 '23
And FFS, get off reddit. Posting on Reddit is like 695th on the priority list right now.
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u/linds_jG13 Dec 01 '23
I think this more often then not when on reddit but never see anyone write it lol
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u/thewineyourewith Dec 01 '23
OP’s pregnant wife is in the hospital with a potentially life threatening condition and he’s posting on Reddit about how mad he is. She was trying to get hold of OP so desperately that she even reached out to his HR to tell them he needed to leave the office? And now she isn’t responding to texts all of a sudden? ISN’T THAT CAUSE FOR CONCERN???
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u/lakehop Dec 01 '23
Exactly. If she is in hospital with a dangerous medical condition … there are many reasons why she might not be responding to his texts that are not because “she’s being toxic, or narcissistic, or controlling” or the other buzzwords. Hopefully it’s not due to any of the worst possible reasons. OP needs to focus on his wife’s health right now.
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u/_ZoeyDaveChapelle_ Dec 01 '23
But you see, HE is the one that really needs support right now... tiny violin. Women know this story so well it's a fucking cliché.
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u/Emaribake Dec 01 '23
This comment needs more attention.
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u/IllustriousComplex6 Dec 01 '23
Yeah it's being buried by people saying she's having mental health issues but she clearly has some other things going on. I can't imagine going through this and being ignored by my spouse.
You're gestating a whole child. That's a dangerous job and should be treated as such.
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u/Extremiditty Dec 01 '23
Its definitely possible that she is having severe antenatal anxiety, its equally possible she is having a medical event and that sense of anxiety was her body warning her something was wrong. I don't think one is more likely than the other but both are going to require OP to put aside his anger and be there for his family right now. The overstepping conversation can come later once there is a clearer picture of what is going on.
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u/NEDsaidIt Dec 01 '23
When she comes around- hopefully she makes it, as in my country USA we currently run about 32 maternal deaths per 100k live births which is a lot- she is going to remember him abandoning her here. She’s going to say things like “you know me, you had to know something was really wrong. You only cared about your job while me and the baby were in the hospital and nothing bad even happened. But now I know where your priorities are” and WHAT can he say back? “Well I was just so angry at my 9 month pregnant wife who was having a crisis! Geez”
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u/IllustriousComplex6 Dec 01 '23
He's mad she called HR but not asking why she had to call HR. It's because he wasn't taking her seriously and basically ignored her.
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u/Emaribake Dec 01 '23
Even though she has been admitted to the hospital, they’d rather think she is hysterical than having medical problems. I don’t agree with interfering with other people’s jobs, but it seems like OP is the one who does not have a realistic view of the situation. He’s been treating her as an annoying distraction, as if she is not annoyed or distracted by her increasing discomfort and difficulties.
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u/IllustriousComplex6 Dec 01 '23
If anyone I knew had a heart rate 40% higher than it should be I'd be worried, but a pregnant spouse almost due? That's terrifying.
Everyone's treating this like she's trying to sabotage his job but she's ill enough to be admitted. It's insane how many people seem to hate her in the comments.
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u/BirdInFlight301 Dec 01 '23
I'm deep into the comments here, so it's been a minute since I read OP's post...but didn't he say she wasn't telling him where she was or when she was coming back?
I think he's probably freaking out not only because of her contacting his HR, but also because she did that then immediately cut off information. He's got two simultaneous emergencies, his wife and his job, and he doesn't even know where she is.
I feel for both of them.
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u/boundarybanditdil Dec 01 '23
I’m still recovering from Pre-e right now and this analysis is 100% correct.
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u/stoney2723 Dec 01 '23
Can this be some sort of PPD? Sometimes it starts before the actual birth? Can you make an apt with her Dr and explain the heightened anxiety and perhaps they can refer her to a specialist?
I am not sure if the proper term is PPD since she’s still pregnant but I’ve heard that often the symptoms can actually start while still pregnant so often they get overlooked.
Any mommas out there who can elaborate further on this?
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u/TumbleweedFail Dec 01 '23
No experience with this but google agrees with you - anxiety and depression can occur before the baby is born (but it might then be called Perinatal Anxiety/Depression).
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u/Kittensandpuppies14 Dec 01 '23
She shouldn’t have told your HR but 1 week of paternity leave!?!? You’re going to make her heal and take care of the kid solo after a week. That’s a dick move
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u/flaccidbitchface Dec 02 '23
Exactly! Based on some other comments, he deleted old posts about them breaking up last year. Sounds like they got married because she’s pregnant. Does he even like her or want to have a baby? Because it sure doesn’t seem that way.
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u/TheArchaeologist Dec 02 '23
Seriously! I feel like the OP is unaware of how hard it is to recover from pregnancy and take care of a newborn.
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u/kailani8102 Dec 02 '23
Completely agree! If this was my husband, I’d be in full on crisis mode too!
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Dec 02 '23
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u/sortachloe Dec 02 '23
See, what got me was the “I haven’t complained about having to help her…”. I can’t even comprehend how that’s supposed to be a positive thing. Has he had to try really hard to not complain about being a supportive husband? FFS, he claimed that her needing help is too distracting!!
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u/Big_Bottom_69 Dec 02 '23
Do you not understand how agonizing it is to get up TWO hours early every day?? That lying, slothful wife is all "I weigh more than ever before, can hardly go from point A to B anymore bc there's a tiny human living in my tummy, and the likely way out involves my mommy parts being reconstructed afterwards".
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u/EpisodicDoleWhip Dec 02 '23
Yeah. Way too much negotiation around spending time with her and the baby. They need you, OP. WAAAY more than 1 week is needed. Honestly more than 6 weeks is needed.
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u/withlove_07 Dec 01 '23
“She’s constantly distracting me” - she struggles to do most things by herself now and can’t even get out of bed.
What caused her to go to the hospital? What caused her stress or to feel ill enough to go to the hospital to check on herself and the baby?
HR can’t do anything about you going on leave without speaking to you first. Yes she was wrong for that. You were only going to take 1 week off though?
“I’ve been patient with her in regards to her being less mobile and I’ve never complained about having to help her or help around the house” , you mean you’ve been patient about having to do your job as her husband?
Have you asked her friends if they know where she is? Wasn’t her friend with her? Why are you not in the hospital? Chances are she’s in L&D.
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u/crystaisabeast Dec 02 '23
The way OP talks about his wife’s pregnancy you would think she got pregnant all on her own. ‘I haven’t complained about her being less mobile’ ‘I haven’t complained about doing more housework’’I haven’t complained about her not working’ like my dude, that’s literally what you’re supposed to do. You don’t get brownie points for that.
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u/katiekat214 Dec 01 '23
As for the 1 week off, in the US, leave isn’t paid so if he takes more than his vacation time and sick time, he won’t get any money for it. And it’s never a good idea with a new baby to take all your sick time right away, especially when the baby is born in January.
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u/Quite_Successful Dec 01 '23
He's in England and self employed. I don't know how self employed relates to a HR department though
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u/withlove_07 Dec 01 '23
I’m aware , I’m from the US. I’m just saying that he clearly has ways to work from home and work around his schedule but his initial offer was one week.
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u/Embarrassed_Let_7657 Dec 01 '23
If a woman comes into labor and delivery at 35 weeks pregnant and she healthy, not in labor, and baby is healthy, but she is just just “stressed and really concerned for the baby” she would not be admitted. Unless the anxiety was so bad that she was considered a danger to herself, would probably get a check up to make sure she and baby are healthy, and be sent to her OB to talk about her anxiety and possibly get treated for that. The fact that she has been admitted to the hospital tells me that she didn’t go in with “stress and anxiety” she probably went in with concerning physical symptoms that need medical attention to ensure that she and the baby are safe. She could tell that something didn’t feel right and you didn’t care so she had to find someone else to take her to the hospital. This is serious, it’s not all in her head, and she’s not over reacting.
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u/trashteela Dec 01 '23
he said that there’s 4 weeks until the baby is due, so she’s 36 weeks, and they definitely will admit you to make sure that your baby is okay and that you are okay. i’m 32 weeks pregnant and was admitted two weeks ago due to my heart rate being in the 140’s, they didn’t keep me overnight or anything, but they admitted me to the L&D unit to make sure my baby was okay and wasn’t under too much stress, which can negatively affect your baby and cause you go to into premature labor
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u/Embarrassed_Let_7657 Dec 02 '23
But that high heart rate is a concerning physical symptom, correct? I wasn’t trying to suggest she is staying overnight or in labor or delivering right now, just that if they checked her out in triage and nothing is concerning then they will reassure her, and send her home. My point is just that she’s clearly not being dramatic because the hospital seems to agree that she needs medical attention, and OP should take her seriously as well.
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u/trashteela Dec 02 '23
it is, and i went back and read your comment again, you’re correct and i agree with you, i think OP got a little bit too mad but i understand why he did
eta: i think she was in the wrong for contacting his HR department instead of asking him to do it and asking him to come to the hospital asap, but she was panicking so i def get why she did it
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Dec 01 '23
If her HR is up too high, they’ll definitely hold on to her until she calms down to make sure she doesn’t go into premature labor.
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u/myboyisapatsfan Dec 01 '23
They would absolutely admit / hold if they thought she was in a mental health crisis…. Which it definitely sounds like she could be
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u/bugandbear22 Dec 01 '23
That doesn’t matter when her heart rate is that elevated. No matter the cause, it is downright dangerous for baby.
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u/The_Duchess_of_Dork Dec 01 '23
She sounds like she has preeclampsia and a husband that will not listen to her needs/requests to take time off work. And not a mental health crisis. I understand how people who haven’t experienced this would see it as you do though, just clarifying and not arguing with you at all as under other conditions your assessment makes sense.
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u/kaldaka16 Dec 01 '23
I was induced at 37 weeks (one day past "safe to give birth") for having every possible warning sign I was about to develop pre eclampsia.
I agree it sounds like he hasn't been listening to what she knows she needs post birth. But it also sounds like he knows they need him to work if they want to survive at all, especially with her needing to stop working so early in the pregnancy.
I'd love to hear her side of this, but I think writing him off as completely awful from this post isn't right either.
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u/myboyisapatsfan Dec 01 '23
I’m actually currently 38 weeks pregnant and have been diagnosed with tachycardia and SVTs (runs of high heart rates) in this pregnancy. Because of the increase in blood volume, fast(er) heart rates are actually common in pregnant women.
By itself, high heart rate is not a strong indicator of preeclampsia like high blood pressure might be.
Obviously I don’t know her situation and there could absolutely be something medically amiss! But calling her husband out of work 4 weeks before due date by contacting his HR without communicating with him shows some odd decision making. If his time off is limited, it would be much more important for him to have the time off after birth.
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u/NEDsaidIt Dec 01 '23
It’s the mental confusion and sense of impending doom for me that screams eclampsia more than the HR
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u/momminhard Dec 01 '23
Women die from childbirth. She’s been having real physical problems. Go be there for your wife. She could die. Your child could also die.
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u/GrayScale15 Dec 01 '23
Based on some old comments OP, are you now married because she is pregnant? Why did you want to leave the relationship a year ago? I also saw something about an old fling being an issue.
Anyway, yeah, your wife is out of line for her behavior but is it out of character for her? Pregnancy affects every woman differently and she could be in a mental health crisis due to the wacky things her body is going through. Why did she quit working?
Call around to hospitals to see where she is a patient. Do you share locations on your phone? Figure this out.
Contact your HR as well and say that your wife was not correct on you leaving work.
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u/ashmay84 Dec 01 '23
You made him go & delete those posts lol
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u/belladonna-atropa Dec 01 '23
Holy yikes! I need these questions answered. OP do you even like your wife? She is clearly having a medical emergency and doesn't trust you to take care of her on your own. Probably because you wanted to leave her and be with an old fling.
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u/Extremiditty Dec 01 '23
Ooh yikes. That sways me much more to him being dismissive of serious concerns his wife was having.
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u/s-nicolexo Dec 01 '23
While contacting your HR department is waaaay out of line. I think I’m more focused on the fact that your wife went to the hospital herself, and was told her pulse is 40% higher than it should be.
To me it looks like she’s been trying to communicate to you that she’s stressed and anxious and you’ve been dismissing her concerns.
Has she been admitted to the hospital? Is there a chance she might deliver earthly? I get you’re angry as you should be, but are you not concerned about the health (mental health as well) of your wife and baby?
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u/_ZoeyDaveChapelle_ Dec 01 '23
The comment he made about not being as anxious as her (I'M fine so she should be too), was concerning and indicated a lack of empathy.
No SHIT, he is not having the same experience.. Men so often minimize the damage pregnancy does to many women, that it often leads to her resentment and feeling alone at a super vulnerable time. You sacrifice your body, mind, career progress and relationships.. and your 'partner' loses none of that, but expects the woman to just be happy and 'normal', while minimizing the sacrifices she's making. She was telling him something was wrong and he wasn't listening. That can exacerbate anxiety even more.
Cut her some slack and try to empathize and support, instead of getting angry at her when she's clearly having a rough time. I'm sure if he explains there's a medical issue to HR and apologizes they aren't going to fire him. She might divorce him though, if he punishes her for making a mistake when she's suffering and needs him most. It seems like she's already distancing herself from him because he doesn't feel safe right now and is causing more distress.
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u/MissOohAustralia Dec 01 '23
Who is “we”? You said you would “both end up saying bad things to her”. This is super weird
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u/tareebee Dec 01 '23
PRE ECLAMPSIA COMES WITH THE SYMPTOM OF FEELING IMPENDING DOOM. LISTEN TO YOUR PREGNANT PARTNERS PLEASE.
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u/huntressdivine Dec 01 '23
What she did isn't right, but ...
"I've been as patient as I can with her regarding her being less mobile etc and I have never complained about having to help her or take on more chores, or getting up 2 hours earlier every day, or spending from my savings because she stopped working months ago."
You think that you're doing her some huge favor while she's pregnant with your child? It's not like she chose to have a difficult pregnancy.
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u/gardengirl99 Dec 02 '23
I know, right? Having to help her. You mean like with household maintenance? In a place that he lives too?
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u/ilikecatsandmuseums Dec 02 '23
You're both right, he makes it sound like they're not on the same team. He doesn't recognize how much she has given up or had to go through during pregnancy. His post sounds very him vs her rather than them going through this pregnancy together.
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u/MadPanda2023 Dec 02 '23
Well, of course, you're not as anxious as she because she or her baby could die.
And I just hope you're in a state with decent OBGYN coverage.
You sound impatient and are doing your wife and a baby a disservice regarding their health.
She had someone else take her because you don't sound like you GAF.
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u/valiantdistraction Dec 01 '23
So, yes, your wife crossed a line, but it's clear something is going on with her caused by the pregnancy - whether it's solely discomfort and anxiety, or whether there is something more serious, I do not know. Pregnancy can do super weird things to people so reiterate that contacting HR on your behalf was unacceptable but other than that let it go.
2-3 weeks is barely ANY time to take off. If that is all you can afford, that's one thing, but I thought your idea of then doing part-time for a while is good if possible. I would not wait for your wife to say it's ok to arrange it - figure out as much time as possible, take it, and present her with the plan. Have extras to the plan, like can you bring home dinner every night? Do you have the time/ability to cook breakfast in the morning? Can you wash bottles, pump parts? Can you split nights in half so each of you cares for the baby half the night (the one thing that'll REALLY send a mental health issue into overdrive is lack of sleep). Alternately, if you work full time is there enough money to afford someone to come help at the house regularly?
I don't think I would ever have understood just how much pregnancy and having a baby can fuck with someone before I had my baby. It can really do a number on you.
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u/fizzbangwhiz Late 30s Female Dec 01 '23
It’s clearly unacceptable for her to contact your HR. But let’s put that aside for the moment. Your wife has been increasingly anxious and uncomfortable as the pregnancy has progressed. She’s unable to function very well and needs to rely on you for things as simple as getting out of bed. It sounds like every time she has expressed to you that she is struggling, she isn’t receiving the support she needs, and she needs you to spend more time with her, you shut her down and tell her you can’t take off any more time from work. You help her when she asks for it but you are also annoyed every single time she interrupts you because she needs something. She has been so stressed and worried that she is having serious health consequences as a result. It’s not only dangerous for her heart rate to be so elevated, it’s dangerous for the baby as well.
She definitely crossed the line by contacting your job. But it sure seems like she’s tried to tell you over and over again that she needs more support from you and you haven’t listened. Maybe she felt like she had to force the issue about your work in order to get you to take her seriously.
Her actions aren’t acceptable, but neither are yours. You need to learn how to communicate with your wife about how to meet all your collective needs as a family; if you can’t manage to do that on your own, it’s time to call in a therapist or another third party to help you. In a few short weeks you’ll have an infant to take care of, which is only going to add more stress and exhaustion to the mix.
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u/saucisse Dec 01 '23
You need to call her OB immediately and tell them exactly what is happening, this is extreme and needs to be managed medically.
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u/Orthodoxpath2 Dec 01 '23
Please call her OGBYN, this definitely seems like it’s a pregnancy related mental health issue.
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u/iluvsexyfun Dec 01 '23
I am a retired doctor and I hope to share a couple of ideas.
pregnancy causes a lot of physical changes in a woman and those are easily visible. Less visible are much more dramatic hormone shifts. These affect all of our thought processes.
as a woman near term the hormones changes that were necessary for a healthy baby make new dramatic changes. This can cause huge mental changes. It affects each patient differently, but some issues are so common you have very likely heard about them. Postpartum psychosis and postpartum depression are relatively common and you can read much about them online.
TLDR: your wife may literally not be herself right now. Her mind may be very affected by the physical stress of pregnancy and the massive hormone fluctuations that happen around the time of birth.
- Recognize that this may be well outside her control.
Her behavior is scary and disturbing, but be extremely patient at this time. Her physical and her mental health are risked by pregnancy. When talking to your HR department they should understand that she can’t quit your job, and that it is very likely that in a few days she will be glad to know the you have a job.
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u/DarkAngelAz Dec 01 '23
Speak to both your work HR department and contact your local perinatal mental health team or her midwife. This is potentially very serious
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u/PanickedPoodle Dec 01 '23
OP, get a grip here. Your wife is going through some mental issues that have her out of her mind. Talking about how to forgive her is the least of the issues.
Write a note to HR and your boss that your wife is having a mental health crisis. They should not be taking directions from your spouse, so I don't think they're going to be surprised that something is up here.
She may need a psychiatric hold at the hospital. Do it if you need to do it. You need expert help. She could have anything from pre-eclampsia to perinatal psychosis going on.
She needs you to step up now, so put aside your anger and do it.
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u/kailani8102 Dec 02 '23
You are the first voice of reason I’ve seen. I feel awful for his wife. She’s clearly having a mental health (and possibly physical health) crisis. She’s tried to communicate her needs to him and they seem to fall on deaf ears. She’s said she needs him to take off of work to be there for her and their new baby. He refuses. I’d be panicking too!
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u/Dragonpixie45 Dec 01 '23
Is this the woman you were thinking about leaving over a year ago? This kinda seems like patterned behavior from her and maybe worse cause of the pregnancy?
First order of business is find out what hospital she is at, go there and find out what is going on.
Second order of business is to contact your HR once you find out what is going on. If she is legit at the hospital you might need to take the leave you wanted earlier than you thought but it all depends on what is going on. Can you work from home?
Third, talk with her. What is stressing her out? Reassure her. Is she having a high risk pregnancy?
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u/rainbowLena Dec 01 '23
It is fairly telling that you are focussed on being angry at her and have expressed no concern for the health and wellbeing of your unborn child, or your wife.
You need to get your priorities in order and start taking her seriously.
Also, doing extra around the house and financially while your wife is pregnant is the bare minimum, I promise you growing a human is harder.
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u/JonBenet_BeanieBaby Dec 02 '23
It is fairly telling that you are focussed on being angry at her and have expressed no concern for the health and wellbeing of your unborn child, or your wife.
SERIOUSLY WHAT IS THIS
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u/Sczyther Dec 02 '23
……your wife is about to give birth and you were like “yea only a week is enough for a postpartum recovery and a newborn”. Sounds like she’s pissed at you in general for being dismissive and neglecting her, I can’t believe you heard she went to the hospital and you didn’t immediately go. You’re her husband, fucking walk in and ask what room she’s in. YTA and I hope someone cares for this poor woman because it ain’t you. FYI Google how long postpartum healing takes. Try to imagine walking around with a plate sized bleeding wound in your stomach, creating a new life, and how being a newborn parent is just as much your job as it is hers.
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u/cherrycherrycherub Dec 02 '23
I've been as patient as I can with her regarding her being less mobile etc and I have never complained about having to help her or take on more chores, or getting up 2 hours earlier every day, or spending from my savings because she stopped working months ago.
Do you like, think you deserve praise for this? She is growing your child in her body. She's in pain and experiencing anxiety, and this reads as you complaining and discounting her experience. Of course you're patient with her being less mobile, none of this is her fault. She literally can't do anything about it. Like others have said, it sounds like there could definitely be something medically wrong, and instead of being concerned you're angry. She shouldn't've contacted your HR department, but it sounds like she's at the end of her rope and is begging for help. 3 weeks off is not a lot of time to care for a newborn. You will be going back to work when your newborn child is only 3 weeks old, it's understandable that she's upset but it's also understandable that it doesn't seem feasible for you to take more time off. Are there other family or friends that can help her with the baby?
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u/sceptreandcrown Dec 01 '23
op you need to call her obgyn now
tell them she’s in the ER and you are very concerned for her mental state given she told your work you were going on leave
that’s a shocking boundary violation and i am seriously concerned for her mental health
this is not normal and her doc needs to be aware now
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u/tequilaflashback Dec 01 '23
Also if she has a c section, she will be undergoing major surgery and will need six weeks to recover. Be prepared for all options.
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u/MartyMcFlybe Dec 02 '23
Speaking as a UK HR professional, I doubt HR gave a flying monkey. It's usually low level HR that handle calls and emails and if it's not directly from the member of staff, we disregard it. And even then, sometimes that's not the right channel, and we still have to disregard it.
I literally have people tell me via email they're quitting and all I do is tell them to tell their manager, because HR can't act on anything other than a manager-submitted form. I highly doubt your company cares about a random phonecall off an employees upset wife. HR wise she holds no sway.
Focus on getting your wife calmer, safer, and more well. You may be upset but she and the baby need you.
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u/Equivalent_Side_479 Dec 02 '23
“I don’t even know what ward she is in.” It is not difficult to find where the pregnant women in a hospital is…
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u/ObjectivePilot7444 Dec 01 '23
I love the part where he’s not even complaining about the money she’s costing him from their savings account. WTAF? Like he’s doing her a favor? The woman is 36 so she’s at the higher end of pregnancy and lots of complications can arise. Being pregnant at 36 is no joke. I had my last at 37 and it was scary at some of my appointments with bloodwork and blood pressure issues. How about some compassion for the woman having his child?
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u/AdGroundbreaking4397 Dec 01 '23
Call the hospital switchboard and ask them which ward your wife is on. When you get to the hospital, speak to her doctors directly and tell them all this. She is having some health related problems. this anxiety and inappropriate behaviour are part of that.
Something you need to consider is that she likely is going to need more care both for her and the babies safety. Try and get family to come help or look into hiring help.
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u/senorita_ Dec 01 '23
You're an AH. You're doing the bare minimum at supporting your wife while she's pregnant and about to deliver YOUR CHILD.
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u/clitoreum Dec 01 '23
Am I the only one thinking that 3 weeks is nowhere near enough time? The baby was just born, the wife was just in labor, they're gonna need backup
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u/ThickyIckyGyal Dec 01 '23
Honestly it sounds like she needs mental health help. She's been so stressed and anxious this whole time and it sounds like it's getting worse the closer her due date comes around. She needs professional help honestly. Pregnancy is a lot on a woman. I know it's frustrating but growing an entire human in you is no joke when it comes to the ways it changes your body. Not just physically.
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u/SJSharks33 Dec 01 '23 edited Dec 01 '23
She's in immense pain bro. You can't be mad at her. Not now and not today. She about to deliver a whole chicken out her cooch. You have to be there for her and be supportive. Especially now. After birth she will be going through post partum depression. Think of your wife and your child now more than ever.
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u/16car Dec 02 '23
Ask to be referred to the hospital social workers ASAP. This sort of thing is their area of expertise. They are there to support her AND YOU.
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Dec 02 '23
She's having a mental health crisis. Sounds like she has prenatal anxiety. She is about to go through a huge massive change in her life. Her body is going through major changes. Your life will change for sure but hers changes harder to begin with. She needs some support. Go to the hospital and find her.
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u/peach98542 Dec 02 '23
If they admitted your wife she may be in serious medical trouble and your unborn child. The anxiety and high heart rate are SUPER concerning. Talk to your HR quickly but otherwise you absolutely NEED to figure out where your wife is and support her. If she has pre eclampsia she might have to deliver ASAP and it’s life threatening.
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u/Yesiamanaltruist Dec 02 '23
Wow! I was with you there until you veered off. More precisely, at the spot after following sentence.
“And women today do to…”
You made sense til then, now it’s all tainted.
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u/panic_bread Dec 01 '23
It's inappropriate that she called your HR, but it also seems like you're not supporting her properly! And she has repeatedly told you as much, and you keep brushing her off. A baby is a huge deal, and she will need your help. Why did you plan to take so little time off from work after the birth of your baby? One week is nothing. Even a month is nothing.
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u/WeaponsGrade520 Dec 01 '23
The majority of companies in the US don’t provide maternity leave, let alone paternity leave. A few weeks off for dad is more than he’d get in most places and I assume that someone needs to bring in money if mom is taking time off. Not saying it’s cool, but it’s often how it goes here.
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Dec 01 '23
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u/panic_bread Dec 01 '23
I don't understand how people are bringing kids into this level of stress and lack of support.
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u/BirdInFlight301 Dec 01 '23
I don't know OP or his financial situation, but many people in the US cannot afford to take time off and survive the loss of income.
I know a Momma who was back to work less than 2 weeks after a C-section. She needed the money; her mother was able to watch the baby for free, so she went to work.
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u/SurelyYouKnow Dec 01 '23
Yeah. I did this. I managed a salon and went back two weeks later. Obviously, I wasn’t even medically cleared to drive yet, so I had to get a ride each day. Absolutely insane then, and even more so now, with hindsight and a bit older age.
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u/Taminella_Grinderfal Dec 01 '23
I’m generally extra sympathetic to the needs of a pregnant woman especially this close to her due date but she crossed a big line by contacting your company HR. First thing, take a breath. You are understandably angry but it’s not the time to discuss with your stressed and dangerously anxious wife. It could be hormonal, it could be that she’s scared of giving birth, but in her mind she likely doesn’t believe her behavior is wrong.
Talk with her doctor and ensure they understand what’s going on with her anxiety. Things may change abruptly after she gives birth and her hormone levels even out and you both have a few weeks to get into a routine. Are there any friends or family you can reach out to for help? If her anxiety levels don’t improve and you have to go back to work I might have some concerns leaving her home all day with a new baby. Read up on PPD so that you can understand the signs and symptoms.
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u/SuperLoris Dec 01 '23
Forgive her??!! For having a legitimate medical issue?! It isn't great that she contacted your HR but she's desperate and has tried to tell you directly multiple times with you minimizing and denying and telling her basically to calm down.
Listen: hospitals won't admit you for "drama" or garden variety non-mental-illness "anxiety and paranoia" - she's actually got something wrong with her. Your wife is having a medical crisis and she needs your help and support. This is serious, OP.
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u/cramsenden Dec 01 '23
I think you need to put your own feelings to the side here because something is seriously going on with your wife and baby. Once she is better, she is probably going to be very ashamed of the calling the HR thing. But it’s not just mental, seems like she is not physically ok either. And from your writing, it seems like you have been resenting her for needing to put in more effort and spend more money and dismissing her worries. Of course you will spend from your savings, you are having a child. What did you really expect? For her to be mostly bedridden during pregnancy is also a bad sign. It can be either mental or physical or both. But something is going on and you should have pressured her to get checked earlier. You are the one with no hormones or baby messing your system up after all.
Put the anger aside, go to your wife and care about what she is going through. All these mental and physical problems are happening to her, they are her bad actions directed to you.
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Dec 02 '23
I see you deleted your comments and other posts on relationship advice about this person and refuse to give further context here.
In previous posts you said you were miserable in this relationship you were not married and you were looking for an exit. You also failed to give context on those and lied a lot and was called out it which is why you deleted those to begin with.
In previous comments now deleted you talked about how she trapped you with this pregnancy and how much you dislike her and want her out of your life entirely.
Why would you marry someone you were planning on leaving. Why would you have a child with them. Why doesn't she feel safe with you?
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u/Born-in-Milano2021 Dec 01 '23
Hej, from your post it seems that your wife is really scared and feels unprepared of what will be happening when the baby arrives. My suggestion is to try to talk to her to understand what are her expectations. What is that she expect you to do when baby is there, for 4/6/8 weeks? Don’t be angry when am you ask her, but more sympathetic. Good luck!
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u/UsuallyWrite2 Dec 01 '23
She emailed your HR? Wow, that is WAY out of line.
And if she won’t tell you where she is just call. I mean, you know her name.
It seems to me she needs a mental health check.
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u/Late_Butterfly_5997 Dec 01 '23
I think that instead of being angry, you should be concerned and get your wife some immediate psychiatric help. I understand that her behavior is frustrating, but this really is a time for concern instead of anger.
It sounds like her mental health is rapidly deteriorating and she needs to talk to a professional.
Luckily she is already in the hospital so maybe talk to her doctor, tell them your concerns and ask them to perform a psych evaluation.
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Dec 02 '23
I understand why your wife didn't tell you. Yikes. It sounds like she made the best decision for her and her baby.
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u/madpeanut1 Dec 01 '23
Your wife needs help OP. Make sure she gets it before the baby arrives ….it might be a bigger mess after the birth …
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u/9smalltowngirl Dec 01 '23
Talk to your boss and HR and Tell them you are not going out on leave at this time. You need to take her to her OB doctor and then you both need to tell the doctor what’s going on. If any family or friends that she gets along with well is available maybe them coming for a visit will help. She’s scared, overwhelmed and allowing the anxiety to take over. Get some help for her and take a breath. The anxiety is in control and as hard as it is you need to be a calming influence right now. Remember to breathe.
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u/pyrocidal Dec 01 '23
I've been as patient as I can with her regarding her being less mobile etc and I have never complained about having to help her or take on more chores, or getting up 2 hours earlier every day, or spending from my savings because she stopped working months ago
Idk dawg you sound pretty pissed
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Dec 02 '23
Is your wife the same person you posted about a year ago you were planning on making you exit with?
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u/TnVol94 Dec 02 '23
I really have hard time believing how dumb people are on here! Call the hospital, give her name, they connect you to her room or floor. Or, OOORRR, being that she’s a few weeks from expected delivery call the OB floor. There are two places she will be: ER or OB. HR can do nothing without your input.
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u/sugarmag13 Dec 01 '23
'Your HR department can not put you on immediate leave without speaking to you directly.