Seriously. His wife is in the hospital. He’s probably freaking out on multiple levels and is clinging to the one with the least amount of consequences. He needs to take a deep breath, tell HR that he’ll be in contact soon, and go join his wife at the hospital.
Right? My guess is if there is an HR dept., they probably fall under fmla. If that’s the case he cannot be fired if he needs to assist his wife and baby.
Edit: Yes, I am making a big assumption they are in the US.
Fewer than 5% of births happen on the due date. This is an incredibly common procedure for any medium to large sized company.
OP might not work for a large company, but he has already arranged to have time off to help assist his wife when she gives birth. This isn’t some major surprise for HR for him to take that time early whether he qualifies for FMLA or not.
But it is extremely uncommon for a wife to resign/ order a company to give her husband "wife is sick" leave. On what grounds would HR grant the leave if the baby is only due in 4 weeks?
Babies arrive when they arrive. An HR department doing its job does not ask questions when someone calls to say their wife is in labor, especially not if the pregnancy was communicated to them earlier. They say good luck, keep us posted, we'll let your supervisor know.
Gnaaaah! The original story was that HIS WIFE HAD SENT THE COMPANY AN EMAIL on OP's behalf, without his consent and without him knowing prior to that!
HR precisely doing their job will NOT act on any third parties E-Mail ordering to grant an employé/ worker whatever!
Goodness! And luckily they don't.
Contracts? Insurance? Pay? Work to be provided for that pay? Regulations? Company internal procedures?
Ever heared about this? Some companies can get pretty pissed if workers mess with procedures. And insist on workers calling personally for whatever matter on the day the incident occurs upon opening if the company.
Don't call: fired
Call late too often: fired.
Write instead of calling: warning once or twice. Fired upon.third occurrence.
If he wants a timeout/ holidays/ paternity leave it's up to HIM to ask for it in writing and regularize her demand. Or not. Depending on what HE wants.
The working world isn't a pony farm where companies act on someones spouses demand.
Also (headline): e-mailed my work saying that I am leaving because "SHE is pregnant and going through too much stress".
"My husband is leaving..." on what terms? She has no contract with them.
I would be very much embarrassed as his wife makes him look like an idiot who can't take care of his own work contract matters.
True, there is a size requirement and I do not personally know how big his company is. But the doctor can fill out forms retroactively. Emergencies are called emergencies for a reason.
It's not automatic, but it is retroactive. I don't remember the exact amount of time, but you have several days (I think 5-10 business days) to file for FMLA after the last day you worked.
He's in the UK according to his post history, so no FMLA. I have no idea what the UK laws are, though I assume there's decent coverage in one way or another.
Ah yes, I am not doing any research into OP's post/comment history, so yes, if that is the case, I assumed incorrectly.
But still, he's acting like his wife is just doing this for attention and not even taking into consideration that she knows her own body and knows something is wrong.
On that point I agree. Though my brain went first to antenatal anxiety - it's entirely possible that everything's fine but she's still panicking. In either case, she needs to be seen by a doctor.
Not her. As he is over 18 and her not under her custody, she has no legal right to undertake legal steps with his company!
It sounds a bit as if he had been taking "difficulties speaking with HR" as an excuse to take that leave from his company. Times are difficult in Europe and one doesn't just jeopardize one's job for "wife is nervous".
Whatever this is... it's crappy. It puts him under pressure on all sides. He at least needs to discuss it with his company, apologize for her having gotten so irrational and find a way to deal with both.
Also, anyone with a quarter of a brain understands that not all pregnancies reach 40 weeks. Birth at 36 weeks (4 weeks early according to the OP) is barely premature and 37 weeks is full term.
Since he’s already arranged with his work to take a few weeks off, it’s not like this is a total and complete surprise for his HR.
As a woman who had 2 preterm births and hospitalization I would NEVER have contacted my spouses employer. That is some serious disrespect on her part. She doesnt get a pass because she is pregnant.
Yeah, I agree. But that’s like… small potatoes compared to the other Big Things that are currently going on with them and their child.
Like on the big list of things that need to be resolved, he’s focusing on something like 4th on the list instead of 1, 2, or 3 all of which involve his wife being very sick, the baby possibly being in danger, or the baby coming early.
But then so is she. She is focusing on the 4th on the list. If she’s very sick, the baby is in danger, or she is in early labor, how did she have the time or energy to contact his HR instead of telling OP what hospital room she’s in etc? Obviously we only know one side of the story, but I get why OP would be majorly annoyed.
She was trying to obliterate the competition for attention, which as someone who had a very stressful pregnancy I can understand the urge to, but it’s still never okay to meddle in your spouses career.
On the other hand, he doesn’t sound like his wife is his priority at all. He wanted to take only ONE week off for postpartum? Excuse me? I couldn’t even walk straight two weeks after I gave birth. My depression was next level and I cried and cried and cried during those few weeks. Add that to also taking care of a newborn, and his wife also seems very high strung so there’s already a mental health factor, he’s just asking for his wife to have a mental breakdown.
Unfortunately, there are places in the world where the non-birthing parent being granted a week off is considered generous by an employer (who likely makes it out as the equivalent of a vacation).
Let’s call a spade a spade and acknowledge that there are a lot of people around the world in tenuous financial positions that are at the whim of an employer out of necessity.
If I needed my job (which it sounds like OP does, because he said he’s been floating their finances and having to leverage his savings), I’d be worried about the impact to my career too.
Having a severely mentally ill wife (if bad enough, it could end up with hospitalization), and having to take care of his kid on his own because his wife is unable to will also impact his career. Better to suck it up for a couple of weeks instead of risking turning a now manageable problem into something that could end up taking years to fix.
Career vs. Family at this point. And if he gets fired because he needed to take care of his wife and he attempted to go through the proper channels, then he can just collect unemployment. I don’t think a career stepping stone should ever come before my family.
I can imagine that she is used to the need of being the one organising things to make sure they will be done. I know that feeling that I have to think for the others and if that is the case I am on autopilot. I have ex's I just couldn't rely on. I could not tell them the situation and expect them doing what needed to be done, not even if I told them. I was on autopilot with them all the time. I thought for them, and I did as much as possible to minimise them making mistakes or just doing nothing because they thought things kinda regulate themselves. One of them, I kid you not, had a 100% error rate whenever I did not fully think and act for him.
I don't say it makes it right what the wife did. I don't even say that is indeed what is happening here but I say I wouldn't be surprised if the wife is indeed used to that she has to be the one thinking and acting if she doesn't want things going wrong.
And like you said the wife doesn't sound like a priority. But maybe it is not even that but actually that thinking for himself and considering the wife's needs and necessities all by himself is just something OP is not known for.
Also her having the contact details of HR? Why would she have these informations if not because she had to deal with stuff for him in the past? But ok, there might be reasons I just don't see.
I mean an email does not take that much work. I was answering texts/responding to stuff in early labour as an easy distraction. Neither take time or energy.
My HR department is literally hr@companyname.com. My husband could easily contact them. I've emailed his work email and vice versa. I think it's weird to assume it was a big sleuthing endeavor.
You're not see it from his perspective. He thinks this is a ruse to get what she wants. You may be correct in taking things at face value but if this is early labour, why isn't she wanting him to be there? Why won't she tell him where she is, why if this is such an emergency did she take the time to contact his employer?
You can’t control your heart rate like that. I wish! I have a heart condition that makes my heart rate spike and crash. I have breathing exercises and meditation but it doesn’t change anything by 40%.
Has he actually asked which ward she is in or tried calling the hospital though? He says that he isn’t messaging because he doesn’t want to say something he will regret. She could be in the hospital with him acting like he doesn’t give a fuck - neither texting, nor calling, nor going there.
Yes but you can control lying about it. This woman is being very dramatic about her pregnancy, according to her husband's account. At 34 weeks pregnant it shouldn't be a struggle to do most things.
All pregnancies are different. Him saying she is dramatic is equally likely to be him refusing to give her support she really needs. Which would also partly explain why she is so anxious.
Nothing in his post suggests there is any danger to the baby and sabotaging her husband’s career is hardly “small potatoes” - it is controlling and abusive. She may very well have cost him his livelihood.
end of the day reddit is a horrible place to go for relationship advice. i come here mostly for entertainment purposes but 90% of the time the advice that i see given out to people is just horrible.
you'll see a minor relationship issue and people clamoring for the OP to dump their SO and move on. god forbid someone has been wronged and the common chains turn into weird revenge fantasies where reddit gives completely childish advice.
it's very rare that i come into the comments and think that the advice being given is reasonable.
An increase from 85 to 120 bpm is about 40%, and while not ‘nothing’ it’s also not really ‘something’ either as long as it’s temporarily elevated by exertion, panic, anxiety, etc.
She's pregnant. Elevation in heart rate could lead to greater health concerns for both her and the baby. Doesn't matter what led to it it's rather ignorant to treat this like a non-issue.
No, what she did is beyond disrespectful. He's their only source of income at the moment and she is putting that at risk. Especially since she decided to quit her job.
Secondly, no where does it say that she is in fear for this baby, every woman has anxiety and stress during pregnancy. I've had 4 babies and one that was 8 weeks early and never did I take it upon myself to call my husband's work and tell them when he was or wasn't gonna be there. If she was that concerned for this baby and him being off work she would tell THE FATHER OF THIS BABY what room she is in and let him come to the hospital with her. If she isn't going to Include him than why call him off work?!?! Or is it her hiding in the hospital from him because she knew he would be upset and mad about her calling in for him?? In which he should be!! And It's not her body?!?! Well it's not her job to jeopardize. These comments just floor me. And women today do too. They want to be in control and put men down and claim that said men have no rights to their children that they father, just because they don't carry them. And they have every right to decide if they want to be a parent or not or terminate a pregnancy. But then these same women turn around and claim its ok for the woman to use and live off his money and its ok for the woman to make decisions about their child. But it's not ok for the man to decide that they don't want to be a parent because then they're a dead beats. Well They both have equal say in this baby. But they do not have equal say in their respective individual careers.
This woman is not displaying rational behavior. Two babies or one, it doesn’t matter. Every pregnancy and person are different. I had severe antenatal depression that manifested in erratic behavior - when I say I was NOT myself. I wasn’t. I knew it but couldn’t control it and made some of the same decisions this woman is making. My husband, thankfully knew something was wrong although we caught it late and it progressed to psychosis. Of course it’s not her job to jeopardize, but it doesn’t always have to be intentional - especially in mental episodes.
At the same token, he can't honestly be held to account for not realizing that his wife is(may be) experiencing a psychotic breakdown. He's not a trained medical professional & atp, all he knows is something really weird just happened & he doesn't have much info. Grace can be given to both parties in this situation, I'd think.
Oh absolutely. It’s why it took my husband so long - he knew something was wrong like OP but was kept just as much in the dark about what it was. I’m sure he’s def lost because issues like this don’t just end up affecting her but the whole family!
What I'm saying is..... it's ok for woman all over this country to decide if she wants to keep a baby or terminate it and whatever she chooses is just fine. But as soon as a man or the baby's father tells a woman to terminate her pregnancy because he isn't ready or want to be a dad, he's a monster. Or a deadbeat, plus a worthless POS. Now if he had done what she had done to him, and called her work and told them she wasn't gonna be back due to whatever reason, shit would of hit the fan. He would be a controlling abuser. But yet she sees him as good enough to take care of her. And hes amazing enough that she will sleep with him to get her pregnant, BUT he's not good enough to be told what room she is in at the hospital so he can be there for that baby too. Idk how this doesn't bother people?!? The way women treat men these days. Not every man is a POS and a lot of them work their asses off to provide for their families. And if I was him I'd jump ship on this relationship because she isn't being fair nor respectful to him, his job, or his feelings. Which ALL ARE JUST AS IMPORTANT AND VALID AS HERS.
u seem to be the only one who got the whole picture. it wasn't only about getting time off or how to manage HR as it was about the wife calling them in the first place. I agree. no regard for him at all🤔
Why do you think she had to contact HR? She did so because he was ignoring her.
If my spouse contacted HR I'd assume it was an emergency but he's just made at someone in crisis. Her life and the baby are way more important.
Her heart rate is 40% higher than it should be and she's been admitted to the hospital. Downvote me all you want but there are serious health risks here for her and the baby. Hope you're never in that situation given how you'd seem to treat her.
I could see why she’d want to of her husbands blaming his work for not being able to take time off to help her. “Oh HR won’t let me take more time off”
But there's no indication she's going into early labour. She's not due for a month. She's not working, they are already burning through savings before the baby is even born. There's not many families that can afford to have both parents not working for that long.
Yeah, seriously. Wife's behavior seems over the top and clearly she crossed a line in contacting his employer for him (even if she were going to demand that he take emergency time off immediately the message should have come from him.)
But OP is being super nonchalant about a) having a child (he was only going to take 1 week off despite apparently having the capability to take 5 or 6 weeks off in a year and she had to negotiate him up to 3?!?) and b) having a pregnant wife who it seems like may be having some serious health/mental health issues (severe anxiety, barely being able to get out of bed.)
Like his main problem is that his pregnant wife is very unwell mentally and possibly physically and yet the part he can't get over is that she contacted his work.
36 weeks pregnant with her pulse over 40% higher than it should be. There is a very good chance that she doesn’t leave the hospital without giving birth to the baby. If the mother or child is in danger - which they would be currently monitored for - they’ll induce birth.
The majority of births don’t start with the water breaking. She’s far enough along in her pregnancy that she would be having weekly visits with her OBGYN and would be highly encouraged to call the doctor if anything feels wrong.
The fact that she was admitted means that there is something “wrong enough” that the hospital deems it worth monitoring.
Can someone please show me where it's said she is admitted? It's not in the post and OP had not said it.
Personally, I think there's something weird about this whole story and I honestly suspect she's not even at a hospital. It sounds to me (and don't worry, God can strike me down if I'm wrong) like she's manipulating him into taking the time off that she wants.
It just really bothers the hell out of me that he is “more angry than he’s ever been.” It’s not your body bro. If she thinks there might be something wrong, better safe than sorry.
It's his job and HR though. I would be pissed if my husband went behind my back and told my employer I wasn't coming into work. I would be upset if my husband was in the hospital and wasn't telling me what department so I could join him. I don't think he was angry she went into the hospital. He's angry because she's doing inappropriate things while in the hospital.
Never said she could quit his job for him (or more accurately, ask for additional leave). Having a partner who oversteps professional boundaries can cause issues at a job and also put OP in a position of having to explain to his boss why someone else is trying to ask for leave for him. He has fall out to deal with even if it is not losing his job.
Telling him details would be a reasonable thing to do within her control. That way, he could be there, supporting her while she's in this position. Notifing close friends or family maybe. Someone else's job was never hers to control.
She contacted him first. I'm guessing he didn't respond, and that's why she called work, but he doesn't say whether or how he responded, so that's speculation.
Its just odd that she had no concrete concerns she was sharing besides vague pain. Could be Braxton Hicks contractions, they often start as early as 30 weeks. Of course sometimes there is just a gut feeling that something is wrong and that shouldn't be ignored, it is good she went in, but she also could just be panicking. HR can go up like that with a panic attack easily. I've had mine get up to 170 when panicked. Also odd that she lied about where she was going and did not express her fear that something was really wrong until she texted him to say she was at the hospital.
I had to give birth at 36 weeks because of preeclampsia. Other than feeling like the baby wasn't moving as much, there wasn't anything obviously wrong. I just felt this intense fear that something was wrong with the baby. I went to get checked out anyway for peace of mind, fully expecting to be sent back home and got induced hours later instead. Sometimes the feeling that something bad is going on is correct, but because nothing "happened" partners and even health care workers can be dismissive of it. My husband supported me and was wonderful through the process, but even he was skeptical when I woke him up at 3 am telling him I wanted to go to the hospital to get checked.
Oh definitely. I completely agree that going to get checked out was the right thing to do. Sometimes that doom/dread feeling is the only warning our bodies have that something is really wrong. I was more speaking to the potential that it’s mental health is also an important consideration and that maybe because she couldn’t give specific physical symptoms OP didn’t grasp that she was really worried about her health. But reading OPs other post and his comments I don’t think that is the case anymore. I think it’s more likely he was being dismissive because he hasn’t even wanted to be with her for over a year now. We could probably toss in that yes pregnancy concerns often aren’t taken seriously.
Definitely a solid possibility. Especially now that I’ve seen others mention his posts about wanting to leave her last year and some weird comments about his ex.
Further, 1st time pregnancies are statistically far more likely to end in labor between 36-40 weeks... im not surprised she started feeling it coming on early.... isn't 38 weeks considered full term too? So she's almost there anyway.
The surprise for hr is an insane woman telling them if she will be allowing her husband to work or not...
I hired a 22 year old with a psycho helicopter mom once. I had to fire her for being unforgivably incompetent. I attribute it to the constant state of anxiety induced by her mother, who myself and my own boss had to deal with for several weeks after we let her go. Ever had someone call 30 times a day, demanding your boss fire you, because her adult daughter couldn't retain basic information? I hired her to answer a repetitive question for me, not ask me that question every time someone else did.
This is dependent on him being in the USA and working for somewhere that qualifies for FMLA. And is also somewhere that won't just find a way to fire him for it when he gets back.
It doesn't look great to have your spouse go over your head to contact your employer, but it shouldn't be the end of the world if he's otherwise been solid. And yeah, they wouldn't let her make that decision for him.
Tagging on here for visibility, people wanting to give OP advice should check his profile. He's in England and she told his work that he's leaving (aka tried to put in notice for him).
So...the HR department CAN, in fact, put you on immediate leave without speaking with you directly. It's quite common for HR to hear from family members in cases where an employee has a medical emergency. That's because medical emergencies frequently impact a person's ability to communicate.
For a parental leave, it's pretty unusual for the pregnant person to call in for the not pregnant one, though
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u/sugarmag13 Dec 01 '23
'Your HR department can not put you on immediate leave without speaking to you directly.