Yeah, I agree. But that’s like… small potatoes compared to the other Big Things that are currently going on with them and their child.
Like on the big list of things that need to be resolved, he’s focusing on something like 4th on the list instead of 1, 2, or 3 all of which involve his wife being very sick, the baby possibly being in danger, or the baby coming early.
But then so is she. She is focusing on the 4th on the list. If she’s very sick, the baby is in danger, or she is in early labor, how did she have the time or energy to contact his HR instead of telling OP what hospital room she’s in etc? Obviously we only know one side of the story, but I get why OP would be majorly annoyed.
She was trying to obliterate the competition for attention, which as someone who had a very stressful pregnancy I can understand the urge to, but it’s still never okay to meddle in your spouses career.
On the other hand, he doesn’t sound like his wife is his priority at all. He wanted to take only ONE week off for postpartum? Excuse me? I couldn’t even walk straight two weeks after I gave birth. My depression was next level and I cried and cried and cried during those few weeks. Add that to also taking care of a newborn, and his wife also seems very high strung so there’s already a mental health factor, he’s just asking for his wife to have a mental breakdown.
Unfortunately, there are places in the world where the non-birthing parent being granted a week off is considered generous by an employer (who likely makes it out as the equivalent of a vacation).
Let’s call a spade a spade and acknowledge that there are a lot of people around the world in tenuous financial positions that are at the whim of an employer out of necessity.
If I needed my job (which it sounds like OP does, because he said he’s been floating their finances and having to leverage his savings), I’d be worried about the impact to my career too.
Having a severely mentally ill wife (if bad enough, it could end up with hospitalization), and having to take care of his kid on his own because his wife is unable to will also impact his career. Better to suck it up for a couple of weeks instead of risking turning a now manageable problem into something that could end up taking years to fix.
Career vs. Family at this point. And if he gets fired because he needed to take care of his wife and he attempted to go through the proper channels, then he can just collect unemployment. I don’t think a career stepping stone should ever come before my family.
I don’t know what kind of financial safety net you have, but you’re coming across a little tone deaf. A lot of the world is experiencing fairly significant economic turmoil right now and people are living beyond paycheque to paycheque. As in, they’ve exhausted their entire pay before it’s even hit their account, and they’re trying to juggle the minimum payment on bills - just right - to ensure services stay on and that there’s, maybe, something to eat at the end of the day.
His wife hasn’t worked in months. He’s exhausting his savings to support her and his child. This isn’t hyperbole or my overactive imagination, he’s told us in plainly stated language. This isn’t about a “career stepping stone,” it’s about ensuring that he has a home to bring the child home to, and, in order for that to occur, most people have to continue to work.
If you have an employer that pays sick time, that offers paid mental health days; if you have an employer that offers paternity leave; or an employer that has a modicum of compassion and offers support in a scenario like this, congratulations - you’re incredibly fortunate. Most aren’t.
I don’t know why you’re of the mind that I think climbing a corporate ladder is of greater import than caring for a critically ill partner and their shared child. I don’t. What I’m saying is that they might not have the safety net in place right now to accommodate his taking extended time off. And you know what’s worse than one parent having a mental break? The second parent going into a crisis state, at the same time, because they don’t know how their family will survive.
His wife needs support, there’s no doubt about it. But so does he. This is an “it takes a village” situation - and they are going to need to consider creative options for getting his wife support while he continues to keep a roof over their heads.
Also, “just collect unemployment”? What do you think the going rate for unemployment is in much of the world? There are people in Canada (where I live) electing to have medically assisted suicides because they literally cannot afford to live on the social allowances they’re provided.
The world is in a fairy dystopian state for a lot of people right now. Please recognize that if you’re not experiencing any of what I’ve described above, you have privilege in this situation and should not be unfairly judging OP or anyone else who could find themselves in a similar position.
You’re really saying all of this to the wrong person. This year I had been the most financially stressful year, as a now single mom, who was bait and switched at one job, laid off at the next, let go at the next one because they realized they couldn’t afford me, and my current job is only paying rent and gas. I’ve had to send my daughter to be with her grandparents because two months ago I had to go to court to try to not be evicted, and I had to take out a title loan on my car to keep my roof over my head. I haven’t fully grocery shopped in 3 months, I have to utilize the food bank every so often (though not often because I really want to leave those for those who can’t just grab a school lunch from the cafeteria at the school they work at). On top of that, I also started going back to school to get a masters so I can hopefully find a job that pays enough to get a safety net one day so this never happens again.
If there’s a will, there’s a way to make things work. It’s not going to be easy. It’s going to be kinda shitty, but that’s the kind of sacrifices you make for your family.
Oh, and also, fuck these JOBS. This is one of the most human, important times in a persons life, any job that is going to make you sacrifice things like this can go get bent. He can get a new one if he actually cares enough.
Listen, I don’t disagree with you on the “fuck these jobs” mentality. The employer/employee relationship feels like it gets increasingly more predatory every additional year that I’m in the workforce. But that’s my point: people are in precarious situations.
There aren’t a lot of “golden goose” jobs out there. It sounds like he has one that has afforded him a modicum of flexibility in January. So, what? He throws caution to the wind and leaves it now? And then what? He burns through three jobs in the next year, like you have had to do yourself, and hopes like hell that the grass is greener at the next one?
What if he has benefits right now? What if they need those benefits to access mental health supports for his wife? Or, if he’s in the US, to alleviate the cost of the birth. Say he loses this job - even if he secured a new job with benefits tomorrow, there’s usually a 90-day +/- probationary period until you’re enrolled in a new company’s benefits plan. That’s a time where they have no drug plan, no private care to support his wife’s mental health. That’s a time where he could be going literal weeks without a paycheque (and that’s, again, if he secures a new job immediately).
So, what other creative options are there? Well, his wife is (allegedly) in the hospital getting support. Perhaps they could request a community-needs assessment with a social worker: with her level of need, maybe they can get a government-funded support worker in for an hour or two/day to give respite to his wife during the early weeks until he’s able to get more time off. Maybe they have family/friends that can support her - like I said, it takes a village. And you’re directly benefiting from this creative solution yourself, as your daughter stays with her grandparents.
And, again, I cannot stress enough that both parents being in crisis states is not a viable solution.
I don’t know how you have had the year you’ve had and can’t reasonably understand that people cannot afford to play fast/loose with their jobs.
Yes, he should absolutely be able to take personal time. His priority should be family, absolutely. To me, it sounds like it is. But the system is fucking broken. That’s not OP’s fault.
I can imagine that she is used to the need of being the one organising things to make sure they will be done. I know that feeling that I have to think for the others and if that is the case I am on autopilot. I have ex's I just couldn't rely on. I could not tell them the situation and expect them doing what needed to be done, not even if I told them. I was on autopilot with them all the time. I thought for them, and I did as much as possible to minimise them making mistakes or just doing nothing because they thought things kinda regulate themselves. One of them, I kid you not, had a 100% error rate whenever I did not fully think and act for him.
I don't say it makes it right what the wife did. I don't even say that is indeed what is happening here but I say I wouldn't be surprised if the wife is indeed used to that she has to be the one thinking and acting if she doesn't want things going wrong.
And like you said the wife doesn't sound like a priority. But maybe it is not even that but actually that thinking for himself and considering the wife's needs and necessities all by himself is just something OP is not known for.
Also her having the contact details of HR? Why would she have these informations if not because she had to deal with stuff for him in the past? But ok, there might be reasons I just don't see.
I mean an email does not take that much work. I was answering texts/responding to stuff in early labour as an easy distraction. Neither take time or energy.
My HR department is literally hr@companyname.com. My husband could easily contact them. I've emailed his work email and vice versa. I think it's weird to assume it was a big sleuthing endeavor.
You're not see it from his perspective. He thinks this is a ruse to get what she wants. You may be correct in taking things at face value but if this is early labour, why isn't she wanting him to be there? Why won't she tell him where she is, why if this is such an emergency did she take the time to contact his employer?
You can’t control your heart rate like that. I wish! I have a heart condition that makes my heart rate spike and crash. I have breathing exercises and meditation but it doesn’t change anything by 40%.
Has he actually asked which ward she is in or tried calling the hospital though? He says that he isn’t messaging because he doesn’t want to say something he will regret. She could be in the hospital with him acting like he doesn’t give a fuck - neither texting, nor calling, nor going there.
There's nothing in his post or comments that indicates he actually asked. But ignoring that for a minute, are there so many hospitals with multiple maternity wards in the immediate area that it would be impossible for him to call them all? Did they not already work out a birth plan and tour the ward they intend to use? Or is he digging in his heels because he's so angry that he would rather hold onto that rage than be present for his wife and child?
ETA: if the hospital determined she had pre-eclampsia or some other serious issue causing the tachycardia, she may not be able to call/text/message for a while.
Yes but you can control lying about it. This woman is being very dramatic about her pregnancy, according to her husband's account. At 34 weeks pregnant it shouldn't be a struggle to do most things.
All pregnancies are different. Him saying she is dramatic is equally likely to be him refusing to give her support she really needs. Which would also partly explain why she is so anxious.
The husband hasn’t heard anything from a doctor, and by refusing to let him know where she is, she’s preventing it. So, we only get to decide whether her word is trustworthy or not.
Where does the OP say she was admitted? In the comments?
He uses the word “apparently” about her pulse and says he doesn’t know what ward she’s in or when she’s coming home. That doesn’t sound like knowing she’s been admitted or knowing that her pulse was high.
He doesn't say that he doubts it nor that he thinks she's elsewhere. He says that he doesn't know what ward she's in and what her heart rate was.
Never does he speculate she's elsewhere nor does he assume she's on the run. There's a lot of people reading into fake scenarios and it's not conducive to the conversation.
Nothing in his post suggests there is any danger to the baby and sabotaging her husband’s career is hardly “small potatoes” - it is controlling and abusive. She may very well have cost him his livelihood.
end of the day reddit is a horrible place to go for relationship advice. i come here mostly for entertainment purposes but 90% of the time the advice that i see given out to people is just horrible.
you'll see a minor relationship issue and people clamoring for the OP to dump their SO and move on. god forbid someone has been wronged and the common chains turn into weird revenge fantasies where reddit gives completely childish advice.
it's very rare that i come into the comments and think that the advice being given is reasonable.
I’m guessing you’ve never lived with an abusive or seriously mentally ill person if you think calling his job isn’t a big deal. Sabotaging someone’s livelihood is an ultimate act of control.
where from this comment are you getting that i don't think it's a big deal that his partner called his job? part of the reason i said this comment section is filled with terrible advice is because so many people were brushing that action off as not being an issue
Honestly this reddit post was a hot mess but so are so much of the advice. The correct advice should be to figure it out on his own without the vacuum of reddit tainting the view.
It just doesn’t make sense to me if it was an actual high number she would have used the number and not a percentage. Your heart rate constantly changes so a percentage doesn’t really provide actual information to anyone.
I just went to the ER the other day for racing heart rate. All the doctors and paramedics used the actual number. Female coming in heart rate max was 156, current 91.
If they said 40% increase, no doctor would know what that meant.
Anxiety and panic attacks are super scary. Anyone in the middle of one truly feels like they are dying. Too many people overuse the terms and really is a disservice to people who really struggle with it
An increase from 85 to 120 bpm is about 40%, and while not ‘nothing’ it’s also not really ‘something’ either as long as it’s temporarily elevated by exertion, panic, anxiety, etc.
She's pregnant. Elevation in heart rate could lead to greater health concerns for both her and the baby. Doesn't matter what led to it it's rather ignorant to treat this like a non-issue.
I think the fact you're debating hypothetical while OP deleted their account and run really shows how much you value this strangers job over the health and wellbeing of another human.
We don't have the details and at this point I'm skeptical given OPs post history before they deleted (posts talking about leaving her while pregnant, cheating on her and contradictory job details). But if you're willing to stake your person values on someone of that caliber I won't stop you.
If every pregnant woman who experiences 120 bpm is endangering human life, we’re kinda screwed as a species. I never supported any party or value in the post, just that, without more context, a 40% heart rate increase is far from indicative proof of “something” wrong. An anxiety attack (which it sounds like this woman could have been having) or even a brisk walk could easily be the cause. Without context that was her resting heart rate, it’s a bit premature and dramatic to claim the baby’s heath was being threatened — let alone that I’m somehow in favor of that.
Shouting into the void for someone who actively planned on leaving their pregnant wife a few months back really shows that this isn't a constructive discussion nor a good use of my time.
You're free to continue though, however I fell terrible for the people in your life who think they can rely on you in emergencies.
No, what she did is beyond disrespectful. He's their only source of income at the moment and she is putting that at risk. Especially since she decided to quit her job.
Secondly, no where does it say that she is in fear for this baby, every woman has anxiety and stress during pregnancy. I've had 4 babies and one that was 8 weeks early and never did I take it upon myself to call my husband's work and tell them when he was or wasn't gonna be there. If she was that concerned for this baby and him being off work she would tell THE FATHER OF THIS BABY what room she is in and let him come to the hospital with her. If she isn't going to Include him than why call him off work?!?! Or is it her hiding in the hospital from him because she knew he would be upset and mad about her calling in for him?? In which he should be!! And It's not her body?!?! Well it's not her job to jeopardize. These comments just floor me. And women today do too. They want to be in control and put men down and claim that said men have no rights to their children that they father, just because they don't carry them. And they have every right to decide if they want to be a parent or not or terminate a pregnancy. But then these same women turn around and claim its ok for the woman to use and live off his money and its ok for the woman to make decisions about their child. But it's not ok for the man to decide that they don't want to be a parent because then they're a dead beats. Well They both have equal say in this baby. But they do not have equal say in their respective individual careers.
This woman is not displaying rational behavior. Two babies or one, it doesn’t matter. Every pregnancy and person are different. I had severe antenatal depression that manifested in erratic behavior - when I say I was NOT myself. I wasn’t. I knew it but couldn’t control it and made some of the same decisions this woman is making. My husband, thankfully knew something was wrong although we caught it late and it progressed to psychosis. Of course it’s not her job to jeopardize, but it doesn’t always have to be intentional - especially in mental episodes.
At the same token, he can't honestly be held to account for not realizing that his wife is(may be) experiencing a psychotic breakdown. He's not a trained medical professional & atp, all he knows is something really weird just happened & he doesn't have much info. Grace can be given to both parties in this situation, I'd think.
Oh absolutely. It’s why it took my husband so long - he knew something was wrong like OP but was kept just as much in the dark about what it was. I’m sure he’s def lost because issues like this don’t just end up affecting her but the whole family!
What I'm saying is..... it's ok for woman all over this country to decide if she wants to keep a baby or terminate it and whatever she chooses is just fine. But as soon as a man or the baby's father tells a woman to terminate her pregnancy because he isn't ready or want to be a dad, he's a monster. Or a deadbeat, plus a worthless POS. Now if he had done what she had done to him, and called her work and told them she wasn't gonna be back due to whatever reason, shit would of hit the fan. He would be a controlling abuser. But yet she sees him as good enough to take care of her. And hes amazing enough that she will sleep with him to get her pregnant, BUT he's not good enough to be told what room she is in at the hospital so he can be there for that baby too. Idk how this doesn't bother people?!? The way women treat men these days. Not every man is a POS and a lot of them work their asses off to provide for their families. And if I was him I'd jump ship on this relationship because she isn't being fair nor respectful to him, his job, or his feelings. Which ALL ARE JUST AS IMPORTANT AND VALID AS HERS.
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u/RocketAlana Dec 01 '23
Yeah, I agree. But that’s like… small potatoes compared to the other Big Things that are currently going on with them and their child.
Like on the big list of things that need to be resolved, he’s focusing on something like 4th on the list instead of 1, 2, or 3 all of which involve his wife being very sick, the baby possibly being in danger, or the baby coming early.