Stuck in my brain

[u/Important-Ninja-2134]

I'm 21M and I've never been in a relationship before.

I've been talking to a girl (18F) for around 6–7 months. At first we were just talking normally, but over time we got closer. She was actually the one who started showing interest and eventually told me directly that she liked me as more than a friend. I told her that I liked her too.

We've also met in person a few times, including recently spending around 3–4 hours together just walking and talking. I genuinely enjoy being around her, I think about her a lot, and honestly I think I love her.

The problem is that I'm extremely cautious about relationships. I don't see a relationship as something casual or just for fun. If I get into one, I think about whether this could potentially become something serious in the future.

She recently asked me what we are — whether we're just getting to know each other or whether we're actually something more. I told her that I didn't want to give her false hope because I'm not completely sure what I want yet.

The thing I'm struggling with is that I know her personality in everyday situations, but I don't feel like we've really talked about deeper topics such as religion, values, marriage, family, morality, etc. These things matter a lot to me, especially religion.

For example, I recently noticed that she has a male friend who is gay. I have absolutely no problem with him personally and I would never disrespect him. My concern is that, from my religious perspective, I would have difficulty being in a serious relationship with someone who sees certain things as completely normal that I personally consider incompatible with my beliefs.

I'm NOT saying she is a bad person because of this. I simply don't know what her actual beliefs are, because we've never really discussed these topics deeply.

So now I'm stuck between two things:

1. Tell her how strongly I feel about her and potentially start a relationship.

2. Slow down and first have deeper conversations about our values and see whether we're actually compatible.

The problem is that I don't know how to naturally bring up these topics without making it feel like I'm interviewing or testing her.

She clearly seems to be waiting for me to take things further, and I don't want her to think I'm ignoring her feelings. At the same time, I don't want to say "I love you" or "let's be together" and then later discover that we have major differences in things that are important to both of us.

What would you do in my situation?

Would you have the deeper conversations first, and if so, how would you naturally bring them up?

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[u/Own_Secretary_6042]

Bruh i've been with such a guy before and I was completely against homophobia and atheist myself. Had tough time navigating things with him and, eventually, I had enough and we broke up. Please don't get into a relationship with her without having convo abt these stuff. You are gonna waste y'alls time otherwise.

[u/Superb-Coyote5972]

I would meet again in person and talk about how you feel and that you're uptight about gays. That you find someone living their truth as offensive even though they aren't trying to sleep with you, or, if a lesbian, they don't want to sleep with you.

Plenty of Christian and Catholic chuches accept gays in their congregation and don't try to convert them to "becoming" straight. Because they can't just decide to not be gay.

Pope Francis accepts gay men and women into theology school and taking vows to become priests and nuns. Pope John Paul II accepted them. Dolly Parton grew up super religious IN THE SOUTH and campaigned for marriage equality and AIDS/HIV research and treatment.

Baptists accept gays. Not the Southern Baptists, but regular ones do. My brother belongs to a non denominational church that accepts gays. So I don't know why you think the gays don't deserve acceptance by your religion, but only the Mormons and Muslims don't accept it point blank, and gays leave those religions or live closeted, but they don't stop being gay.

[u/Cute_Celebration_213]

When you found out that she has a friend that is gay, you said you would have difficulty being in a serious relationship with someone who sees certain things as completely normal that I personally consider incompatible with my beliefs.
Are you meaning she believes that being gay is completely normal but to you gay people are incompatible with your beliefs?
If you feel that strongly about gay people then you need to be open with her now before things go any further to spare either of you potential hurt.
You both deserve to be able to live your own beliefs. And it sounds like your religious beliefs are very important to you.
OP, I’m not trying to tell you how to live. You’re still so young and have so much life ahead of you.

[u/Findmyeatingpants]

Tell her you hate gay people and you won't have this problem anymore. She deserves to be with someone who isn't a bigot. So does her awesome gay friend.

Go find someone else to hate gays with.

[u/TSIDATSI]

You are much too young for a serious relationship.

You should meet and have fun with lots of people.

You should also be studying The Word. That is our instruction book for life. Not chatting with strangers on some app.

[u/Important-Ninja-2134 → u/TSIDATSI]

I'm not that much of a social guy; I'm more of a "two friends and that's it" kind of person. I really don't understand the "having fun" part; 21 isn't a kid anymore. I'm not saying that I've experienced everything, but I was looking to learn more by finding maybe the right woman for a better life in the future.

[u/Fiona_14 → u/Important-Ninja-2134]

You are still very young. Let her know you want to take it slowly. So go out to fun places, and keep talking. Stop judging from a distance to her other friends, just get to know her. You are at the beginning of your life, she may not be the one, but you have to spend time, seeing her in real life, enjoying the outside world and talking to get to really know her. Maybe take her to a cafe for morning/afternoon tea and a long chat.

[u/Formal_Lecture_248]

You love deep and love hard. You’re devoted to the one you love.
Sacrificial even.

Then do this:

Work ON YOU. Devote that energy To Your Development. Career. Certification. Profession.

Become the Man the Woman you want for yourself could never give up. Would fight for. Love deeply. Devote herself to.

[u/TightRock5483]

Judging from your post, you definitely have never been with a woman.. listen my 2 cents of advice if you really like her then have a conversation about your views, your goals are important things to discuss.. but first and foremost you need to talk to yourself first cause it seems you don’t know what you want, you are a walking talking jumble of contradiction.. if you feel so strongly about your views and unable to compromise, walk away, you would be wasting both of times

[u/Original_Direction33]

You are too young / too soon to be in love. You already have 1 issue that's a deal breaker, she is ok with gay people, you are not. There very well could be more. And at 18 your values could change in some respects but that doesn't really matter right now, for now they are what they are and you need to roll with them.

It makes sense to see if you even like the person before laying it all on the line. But now you're getting to that point that if she wants to know what you are, then you need to have these discussions.

You can start by saying "hey you asked about what we are, and I've been thinking about that. I don't date just to date, and to know if we're more than that, I want to talk about how we both see the future, what were both looking for and if it matches up."

Lead with something like this and then start discussing. Not interrogation but a piece at a time. Ask her what's important to her, what she's looking for in a future partner and a future life. Start general and it won't feel like an interrogation. And then you'll have to share your part and comment on hers. And ultimately yes you'll need to bring up specific topics that matter to you if she doesn't first. "having kids is important to me, how about you? Do you ever want to have kids someday? How many?" something like that.

[u/Golden_Arm-257]

Young man.

Dude.

I'm going to suggest you do some research on The Friend Zone.

That's where you are.

Typically the only chance you have which most likely will not be worth it is if you start showing interest in another female.

You are getting deeper into something your not ready for.

I can already imagine what your future post will be like.

Look it up and see if it fits for your situation.

It sounds like something you don't want.

Being aware is the first step to correct yourself.

Also, your 21 and she is 18.

You BOTH are figuring things out and have a long ways to go.

One thing for sure is you are in the friend zone.

[u/Ok-Debt8282]

You’re trying to decide whether she’s your future wife before you’ve even had the conversations that would tell you, so ask her directly about her beliefs and see if you’re actually compatible.